Tag Archives: kink

196. This, That, and Some Other Stuff

Things are getting somewhat back into a normal routine.  It won’t last because as Christmas approaches, our middle son, T2, will be home for the holidays.  That will put a kink in our kink!

THIS  —   A COMING OUT (sort of)
Mike and I did share a bit of our lifestyle with our kids and, when appropriate, with anyone else we mingled with over the Thanksgiving.  It was high level information.  Basically that I decided to defer more to their dad, allow him to be more of the decider of things, and stuff like that.  Nothing negative about it.  Growing up they were accustomed to me being more of the domineering one, so it isn’t like there is any kink attached to who the primarily leader or follower is in a marriage.  It just so happens there is a lot of kink attached to ours, but, we left that part out – Ha!

The change was surprising to them, but they were fine with it.  They didn’t even ask too many questions of me.  Basically I just said this is how I choose to be, and they were like, “Okay, Mom.”  

We also told them that Kayla has decided to follow my lead and also look to Mike for guidance and she too is extending the same “respect” to Mike that I do – such as addressing him as “Sir.”  My middle one who is always quick to share what’s on his mind said, “Is it just her respect that she is extending to Dad?”   To which I calmly replied, “I am not sure what you mean, but whatever she extends or doesn’t extend is between your dad, me, and Kayla.”  I think they all understood that there was more going on, but for once my inquisitive son got the hint and decided not to inquire further.   I think part of it is that they just don’t want to know.  Regardless how old you get, you never think of your parents as having any sex life, especially an adventurous one.  

THAT  —  KAYLA AND MICHAUD UPDATE
I mentioned in my last post that the two of them have had sex.  So far their relationship seems to be going well.  I am not sure what to make of Michaud’s acceptance of her relationship with us.  I mean, it’s great he accepts it.  I would much rather he accept it than not.  But a part of me wonders what type of person would accept it?   It has to be tough to know you have a girlfriend who won’t open up and share certain parts of herself  with you.  And not only exclude you from certain parts of herself, but at the same time is including someone else in those parts.   In many ways he is sharing Kayla with us, especially with Mike.  That has to be hard. 

I wonder if it is hard on Kayla too?  She says she is happy with how things have progressed thus far.  She sees her relationship with us as very distinct and separate from Michaud.  She does not defer to Michaud any more or less than he defers to her.  It is a very “normal” relationship, as she puts it, where neither one of them is dominant.  That’s how she wants it.   She says there is the “submissive” Kayla and the “non-submissive” Kayla and she loves both of them.

I did ask her what she would do if she had to make a choice.  She said she doesn’t want to have to do that, but right now, her needs for submission trump her other needs.  But she admits that could change over time.  She just hopes that any changes can go smoothly without anyone being hurt.   We continue to be very supportive of her and made it clear she is not obligated to stay with us.  Of course we want her to stay, but we understand there could come a day where she feels it is best to move on, whether in whole or in part.

Michaud passed a big test in Kayla’s eyes (and mine too) when she was naked in front of him and she had a bruised bottom.  It wasn’t a huge bruise, but a bruise none-the-less.  Kayla said she didn’t try to hide it and told him to go ahead and take a close look at it.  She shared with him how she felt about it (which were all positive feelings) and used the opportunity to again share with him what being submissive means to her.  She said it was a good conversation and Michaud asked a lot of questions, never getting upset or animated by her answers.  She even told him there may be times she has bruises elsewhere, such as on her breasts or thighs.  She doesn’t get bruises often, but she wanted him to be prepared and deal with his concerns now versus later. 

After they talked she ended it with asking him how he was feeling about being with her.  He told her he loved her and while she is a bit “out there” when it comes to what she needs in life, he is happy that he can fulfill and experience whatever part she is looking to share.  He did say that it all does make him feel a bit awkward and insecure at times, but he is trying.  And with that Kayla told him how much she loves him and hates that a part of her makes him feel that way.  She told him she loves him for allowing her to get fulfillment in whatever way she desires it, even if that means it was with someone else.

He did ask the inevitable question of, “Will it always be like this?”  To which she said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know what ‘always’ even looks like.  I just know what I need from life right now.  And I need my submissive life with Mike and Jen, and I need you and I am so happy you allow me to have both.  If we reach a point you aren’t happy with me having both, or I am not happy with both, then we owe it to each other to talk about it, but until then, let’s keep enjoying this.”   And from all appearances, they are. 

SOME OTHER STUFF – THE NEW KAYLA AS A GIRLFRIEND
Kayla shared with Mike and I that her relationship with Michaud is unlike any she has ever had.  Not because of Michaud, although that is a big part of it, but because of her.  She really is a different person than she was in any previous relationship.   She said she is more open and honest with what is on her mind, what she is feeling, what she is needing.  She has never articulated it so clearly and so frequently than she has with Michaud.  She says it feels liberating.   No hidden agenda, no unsaid concerns or unresolved emotions.   She’s just 100% “out there” with him and it feels amazing that he accepts it.

She only hopes Michaud is doing the same on being open and honest.  It sounds like he is not shy to share whatever doubts or needs for information that he has.  How he is reconciling her answers may not be clear, but I think it is a good sign that he isn’t shying away from asking questions 

SOME OTHER STUFF – OH SUBMISSION!
With the passing of Mike’s mom and Thanksgiving, I went two weeks without a spanking.  This time it wasn’t the spanking I missed as much as my overall routine.  But I also missed the sensations.

One night when Mike and I were having sex I asked him to squeeze my nipples really hard, harder, harder.  I then asked for nipple clamps.  Mike obliged both with the nipple suckers first, then the clamps.   It felt so good to “feel the burn.”   

Mike will sometimes slap my breasts when we have sex, but that too needed to be harder this time.  I asked him to slap them harder, and harder still.  It was much like the intensity of a punishment. 

This was different for us in a way, but not really.  Our sex play can get pretty physical.  This was just more than our usual physicality.  I’ve shared before that I don’t mix discipline with sex.  This wasn’t discipline.  It was more about mixing a little pain with the sex, not about mixing sex with the pain.  There is a difference.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it is self-explanatory?  Anyway, it felt good.  I needed that sensation.  I needed that dominance from Mike.  I needed that submission.   

NEXT:  197. Do ya wanna have sex?

158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline

158a

I feel I am a bit of an expert on DD, but I also know my expertise is limited to what it means for me to be submissive.  Yes, I have some insights into Kayla and Donna, but their journeys are their own, and Kayla’s is still rapidly evolving.   So, yes, I know I am no expert, but, I have learned a lot in a short amount of time.  

I enjoy reading “newbie” blogs – those who are new to DD or D/s or in exploring kink in general.  I feel compelled to impart some wisdom, perhaps to save them from struggling, feeling anguished, or giving up too soon.  However, those struggles and feelings may be necessary for growth.  Sometimes you can’t explain something away for someone — they  just have to experience it in order to truly reconcile it.   With that, what am I going to do?  Well, I am going to give my advice anyway.  

MY ADVICE TO SUBMISSIVES
Advice #1 – Take all advice with a grain of salt.  If it resonates with you, great, but if not, then just dismiss it and move on.  Your journey will be unique, because D/s or kink in general is such a diverse thing.  You may find one thing in common with another D/s relationship, but 100 things that are different.  So seek information, lots of it, but don’t try to force what you read or hear into your situation.   

Advice #2 – Recognize that being submissive is not playing or acting submissive.  It is a real mindset.  It is who you are.  Of course, unless it is not who you are and you just want to put on the submissive role when it suits you.  That’s fine too.  See, I told you, take all advice with a grain of salt.  No one will kick you out of the kink club for just using it as an occasional escape and release. 

But — and this is Advice #3, — if it is more than just play acting, then it is important to have a Dom who understands how to feed and nurture your submissive mindset.  This can be extremely difficult.  You don’t need a good Dom, you need the right Dom.  If your Dom is a newbie too, you are on the right path if your Dom is open to learning some Dom basics, and open to feeding and nurturing your mindset.

MY ADVICE TO DOMS
Although an infraction in the D/s rule book, I, a submissive, am going to give some advice to Doms.  Hey, they aren’t my Dom!  If this offends you, then just consider it my advice to submissives regarding what they should look for in a Dom.   Better?  

Advice #1:  For me the biggest thing for a Dom to learn and understand is that consistency is absolutely required.  Whatever the rules are, they need to be consistently applied.  A good submissive wants to please their Dom.  The submissive spends a lot of energy on concentrating on the rules.  The submissive makes every effort to excel at their tasks and do an excellent job everyday.  It really sucks when a Dom is nonchalant about a rule that a sub is heavily invested in and trying hard to focus on.

Advice #2:   Or perhaps it is 1a.  Whatever.   Make sure the rules you have are actually important and have meaning to the submissive.  Of course, the caveat to that is you may have a sub who enjoys random rules that only serve the purpose of displaying the control you have over them.  If that’s the case, fine.  Again, grain of salt.

But for me, especially early on, it was extremely important that every rule had a special meaning to me, the submissive.  Every rule was tied to addressing a behavior that I wanted to adopt, change, improve, or eliminate.   It wasn’t until later that one of the behaviors I wanted to adopt was serving Mike in the manner he wanted to be served, independent of whether it addressed a behavior I wanted to address.  I guess the better way to put that is that the behavior I wanted to address was behaving more submissively to Mike’s will.  But I had to evolve to that.  My DD would not have lasted long if Mike had imposed the things in the beginning that he imposes now.  I would have dropped DD in a heartbeat.

And if my DD never evolved past the more selfish form that was all about me and my needs, that’s okay, as long as it continued to satisfy both me and Mike.   So again, no right or wrong way to kink, as long as you are getting the satisfaction you seek. 

MY GOLDEN RULE OF DD – ADVICE TO BOTH DOMS AND SUBS
Make sure both of you recognize the effort and performance of the other.  

  • For the Dom, it means giving praise.  
  • For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

When a Dom praises the sub it helps reinforce the importance of the task.  It shows it is important to the Dom, thus is becomes even more important to the sub.  It shows it has meaning to the Dom, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the sub.  Thus, it feeds the submissive nature of the sub.

When a sub thanks the Dom, it helps reinforce consistency in applying the rules.  This can be especially important for a new Dom who doesn’t want to come across as a hard ass or mean-spirited.  The Dom needs to know the sub appreciates the discipline that was administered, as it shows the discipline had meaning to the sub, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the Dom. Thus, it feeds the dominant nature of the Dom.

This giving praise/giving thanks is always important, but even more so early on when both people are new to their roles, still finding themselves, and trying to understand the needs of the other.  Giving praise/giving thanks help address the insecurities and even embarrassment that both Dom and sub are likely to have when first starting out.  Being successful with your kink requires you to be vulnerable.  Praise and thanks go a long way to build confidence to be vulnerable to your partner(s).  

That’s it.  Those are my top tips!   Happy kink!

NEXT: 159. Follow the Leader

150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

150

Welcome to my 150th post!

Immersion 2017 is here. . . starting tomorrow to be exact.  (See prior posts re Post 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0).

KID FREE
J is heading to my parents for a week leaving us child-free and carefree, with one hitch.  Our middle son T2 called to say he would be coming home for a few weeks.  He is away at college and will take some summer courses but has a gap with some free time so he decided to spend it at home.  How inconsiderate!  Doesn’t he know we need to get our kink on! 

The good news is we still have several days at home that will be kid free, and the better news is that Mike was able to quickly find us a getaway for the other days.  He rented a cabin in the Texas hill country.  It is on something like 15 or 20 acres so is secluded enough that we will be far from prying eyes.  I am very excited about this as it is really our first “vacation” with just the three of us.  The secluded nature of it presents new possibilities for kink exploring.

NEW ENERGY!
I am going into this “immersion” invigorated and excited.  Mike’s handling of what I shared on Post 148. Dom/sub Therapy Session really got me out of my self pity-spiral. Intuitively I always knew that it was detrimental to hold myself to some elusive ideal of the perfect submissive – submissive in all thought and action.   I never intended to strive for perfection.  I just wanted and still want to be “more” submissive.  But my inability to achieve progress that was satisfactory to me turned it into a burden that sent me down emotionally.  I already feel that burdened has lifted.  

Always the cunning linguist, Mike made it clear that from now on my progress as a submissive is at his “pleasure and measure” and he is extremely happy with my submission.  It would have been very un-submissive of me to not accept his “pleasure and measure” proclamation.  By accepting what he was saying, not only did it mean I was thinking submissively, but by giving up my unrealistic ideal and subjecting myself only to Mike’s ideal, it meant all the burden was lifted.  Voila!  My pity party was immediately over!  Mike’s a genius!

I do seek to think more submissively, but I have no arbitrary timeline in my mind or set definition of what that actually means.  I simply continue to be more submissive to the degree it suits Mike.  Odd, but giving up such control should be scary – for instance, what if Mike was more demanding of me than I was to myself?  It seems like that my desire to please him would create more pressure than the desire to please myself.  But, it was just the opposite for me.  I don’t know why that is.  I guess I trust Mike so much and perhaps know that my expectations of myself can often be unrealistic, but Mike’s expectations of me never are.  It’s odd, but in order to achieve the level of submission I want for myself, I had to stop wanting it for myself and instead want it for Mike.

ENTERING THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
On top of this much improved emotional state is the fact I have been looking forward to our Immersion for some time.  Last year was intense, and I was so glad when it was over, but I look forward to doing it again.  I like that we have set aside some time to throw out our routine and experiment with some crazier kink.   It’s like going into the laboratory and just mixing up stuff to see what you get.  We have given ourselves permission to try things we wouldn’t normally want to try, explore new sensations and experiences, all for the sake of experiment.   It helps us all identify and separate what is pleasurable versus tolerable, or what is tolerable versus what is intolerable.  

Mike thought it would be good if we had a slogan for our Immersion each year.  Sort of way to “market” to ourselves a particular theme or idea.  We threw around some ideas and Mike picked one of mine as our slogan — Entering the Forbidden Zone!  

Here’s a preview:   

PUPPY
Day 1 is my “puppy” day where basically I am treated like a dog.  Eat (human food) and drink water from bowls, sleep on the floor, and use a litter box.  Okay, that last one would make me a cat, not a dog, but just go with it.   Mike engineered a human sized litter box.  And yes, it is for both peeing and pooping.  The added twist is that Kayla will address hygiene issues for “cleaning the dog.”   Ugh, similar to last years “activities of daily living.”   I’ll be bathed and groomed.  Mike had me not shave my legs, pits, or pubes for the last week or so.  Mike and Kayla will “groom” me.   I also can not speak and must get around on all fours and stay off furniture.   It also comes complete with leash and collar.

The odd thing is that none of us have a Pet Play fetish.  It reinforces an owner/owned dependency and Mike just thought it would be entertaining for all and challenging for me.  Not something I would have chosen, but I am game!

BABY GIRL
On Day 2 my pet play is over and it is Kayla’s turn.  She will be diapered and treated like a baby.  She too can only crawl, and has to be helped with bathing, dressing, and eating.  She can not use the toilet because, well, she’s a baby!  That’s what the diapers are for.  She also can’t talk – just whine or cry when she needs something.   This experiment comes complete with pacifier, bottle feedings, and a make-shift high chair.

SHIBARI SENSATION DAY
No, Shibari Sensation is not the stage name for a Japanese stripper, but you have to admit, it would be a good one.  Anyway, Mike said Day 3 will be focused on experiencing as many different sensations as possible.  He said, “It will involve some ice, some food, the wand, lots of clothes pins, some bengay, and a surprise.”  He also has purchased some more rope for bondage play and has “some hogties and various other tied up positions” he wants to try.  And he added, “and of course, this includes spanking and flogging and more!”   Oh my!

Country Time
Once at our secluded get-away, Mike said to expect a lot of nakedness, both inside the cabin and out.  The way he put it was, “Expect a lot of open air high-jinks.”   I hope this comes complete with plenty of mosquito repellent!

Mike also said there would be other things in store for us that we would learn about when the time comes.   Oh that creative man! 

 

 

  

 

138. Party time! The naked bench.

TheBench

I wrote before about Mike and I attending some FetLife functions. One was a public meet and greet at a restaurant and one was a private party at a private club.   We enjoyed our time at both functions but ultimately decided not to continue to attend such functions or socialize with those that we met.   We met some nice people and it was great to be so open about our relationship.

Our disinterest in continuing to go to such events was simply that we felt “our cup runneth’ over.”  Both our social dance card and our sexual and kinky appetites were full. Both Mike and I agreed that if the right opportunity arose we would be open to going to a function.  That opportunity has arrived.

John and Donna have become active in FetLife and attended many functions.  They can thank Mike and I for opening up to this.  Before we “came out” to them, they were very private in TTWD, despite a desire to be more open.  Well, we’ve opened them up, as they have opened us.  They don’t swing, but they enjoy putting their relationship on display. They also enjoy the company of other like-minded kinksters. 

 John and Donna decided they want to host their own private party at their house with a somewhat small circle of kinkster friends that they have met.   Of course, Mike and I are invited, and Kayla too.   It’s something like three or four other couples, so with the three of us and John and Donna, something like 14 to 17 people.

When Mike told me and Kayla about the party, he told us that we would be helping John and Donna host it and as hosts, were responsible for some of the entertainment.  He told Kayla that she was going to be a “centerpiece” of sorts to great the guests. They plan to place a bench near the entry way just inside the house.   Kayla is to be tied to it, fully nude and blindfolded. Her arms and legs will be tied such that she is spread out and very exposed.  At some point after everyone has arrived Mike will untie her and walk her to the living room and Kayla and I will both masturbate for the crowd.  Kayla will leave her blindfold on the entire time.

Mike said there may be more “entertaining” that will be required of the two of us, as will be required of Donna as well.  He told us there would not be sexual penetration with strangers, but there could be certain other sexual acts and we are subject to whatever he feels would entertain the guests.  This is all within the bounds of our DD contract as well as within Kayla’s. 

Mike asked Kayla what she was feeling and why, and if she had any concerns or questions.  She simply replied, “I am both excited and nervous, Sir.  I am excited because you are asking this of me and I love to please and serve you.  I am nervous, maybe a bit scared,  cuz’ I’ve never done such things in front of strangers.  While I am open with you two, I am still self-conscious about my body.  But other than that, I don’t have any concerns or questions as I trust whatever you come up with will be safe while still pushing my boundaries.  Thank you for this opportunity, Sir.”    

Mike then asked me the same question.  I was less accepting, but my concerns were on behalf of Kayla and not for me.  I’ve written before that I am a closet exhibitionist (Post 20.  Putting on a Show) and love the idea of sexually performing for others.  But, I am concerned about how these strangers might treat Kayla.  I can imagine the party will be sexually charged and her is this young woman on display for their amusement.  I decided not to cast any doubts or concerns in front of Kayla, so I simply replied that I too trusted in his judgment and that it sounded like fun — but, I did give Mike this certain “stare” that I have that he recognizes.  It is the I-have-more-to-say,-but-let’s-talk-later-stare.    

Sure enough, Mike interpreted that stare (that’s what 25+years of marriage does for a couple).  When Kayla wasn’t present he asked me what was on my mind regarding the party.  I asked him if it would be okay to make sure that one of us would always kept within eyesight of Kayla at all times, especially when she was on the bench.  My concern is people getting carried away and touching or doing something inappropriate.  We don’t really know these people.

Mike agreed and added that everyone who is coming is coming with a partner, so if they need a sexual release, they should be with a partner willing to help with that.  However, it would be prudent to make sure one of us was was always with her or at least within eyesight of her at all times.    

What to wear, what to wear!   Oh, Mike took care of that.  How thoughtful!   A nice new dress?  Nope.  Our my birthday suit will suffice!   Oh, and another funny little factoid – John and Donna thought ahead and scheduled this so that Kayla would not be on her period.  How thoughtful!  Ha!   Just one of the logistics of having a nubile sub at your service.   Party in two weeks. 

P.S. Got my first Thursday maintenance caning.  I’d say, “Oh, how I despise the cane,” but the fact is, it is simply my least favorite spanking implement.  I love getting spanked too much to despise any implement, but the cane is testing that sentiment.

NEXT:  139. A very Adults-only Party!

 

 

116. Revealing DD to my sisters!

reveal

With Mike and Kayla in Orlando (last week) my cover story for Kayla’s absence was that she was spending a weekend with friends.  That Saturday afternoon I left J with his cousins and uncle and my sister’s and I went out for lunch.  I figured that was as good as time as any to “come out” about my DD lifestyle. 

Before I share the details of what happened, know there was a lot more questions and answers than I cover here.  I needed to condense their reaction and questions to keep the post from getting too long while still capturing the essence of what went on. 

THE REVEAL
I started by mentioning that they had both previously told me some time ago that they noticed a difference in Mike and I. They described it as a “zest,” as if we seemed to have an extra spring in our steps.  They sensed greater joy and contentment.  At the time I told them that I attributed this to just a maturing in our relationship.  Two kids basically out of the house and doing well, our finances in order, Mike’s job going well with a great flexible schedule allowing him to frequently work from home, and most importantly things going well with J.  While he is far from independent, his physical needs have lessened as he is stronger and more agile than ever before.  Add to that his anxiety and obsessiveness has lessened, reducing stress for everyone.  In reminding them of this I stated that my explanation at the time was true, but incomplete.  I left out one more ingredient to our mid-life peace and joy.  

I said, “Well, there is one more thing to which I can attribute the things you’ve noticed.  Almost two years ago I made a choice to be a submissive wife and give Mike authority over many things.”

They both had this sort of crooked half-smile peeking through tightened lips with a scrunched face, as if you are trying to get your lips, nose, and eyebrows to touch.

Sis 1 said, “What in the world do you mean?”

I repeated myself and nonchalantly and added, “Yeah, you heard it right.”

Sis 2 was quick to say, “Submissive how?”   This reminded me so much of when the word “spanking” was uttered for the first time when introducing my idea of DD to Mike (Post 9. So…Like a Spanking?).  There it was, the BIG question!   I already had planned on an approach that would be like trying to peel an onion – I would reveal just one layer at a time versus just giving them a big bite of the onion. 

LAYER 1
“Well, I simply defer to him on pretty much every decision.  I still can share my thoughts, but often do not, and when I do, he can consider them or not, it’s his call.   And we set up clear communication rules that we both follow.  We share what is on our minds, but typically through a planned and constructive manner, such as a weekly meeting.  It’s these meetings were I can bring up issues during the week that bothered or me or that I want clarified.  Doing it this way, away from the heat of the moment, allows us to easily address those things but again, ultimately if Mike says ‘that’s the way it is’ then I accept it.  Fortunately, he rarely has to be so definitive or demanding.”

There was more discourse between my sister’s and I, mainly consisting of me assuring them this was my idea.  There was also the inevitable question, ”Why?”

LAYER 2
I tried not to focus too much on the “why” and instead focus more on the results, sharing with them much of the sentiments I shared on many posts, such as 26. Submission = Transparency = Love or 30. I Found My Thrill.  I reminded them that they witnessed the change in me and in my relationship with Mike.  I told them I couldn’t be happier.  I also was clear that I don’t advocate this for anyone.  My choice was not my commentary on what relationships or women’s roles should be.  I don’t believe in women being submissive – I do believe in ME being submissive.  I shared with them that I surprised myself with my initial interest in even trying this, and was surprised and relieved at Mike’s acceptance of it, and of course, have been thrilled with the results.  I told them that whatever the amount of shock and disbelief they have with this, it pales with the level of shock and disbelief I had with myself when it all started.   

LAYER 3
At some point Sis 2 brought up the Fifty Shades reference and said, “Are you submissive like that?”   My response was, “I don’t relate to that as analogous to what Mike and I have, because that relationship is way different, but, if you mean, does Mike spank me, well, the answer is yes.”

Now their faces contorted in the opposite direction.  Instead of “scrunch face” they had “stretch face.”  As if you are trying to push your eyebrows to the top of your head while also trying to touch you chin to your chest. 

Sis 2 was again quick to chime in.  “You don’t mean like spank you spank you.  You just mean like some spanking with sex?”

Again, as calmly and nonchalantly as possible I said, “No, I mean spank me as in punish me if I break a rule.”

Both of their heads exploded.  My sisters are dead.   Just kidding.  Their shocked reaction was the “No way!” type of shock, not the “Oh no!” type of shock.   They had these half smiles as they continued to ask questions.  I was a bit coy, and told them that they don’t need to know all the details.

LAYER 4
I told them the story of how this all came about, much like you can read about in Post 2. The Backstory and Post 3. The Search.  I shared with them the term “Domestic Discipline” and that while Mike has a lot of discretion, I created my rules and the structure for the punishments.  I then told them that Mike and I have even “played” with others.

I anticipated Sis 1 wasn’t going to like that and Sis 2 would be like, “tell me more” and that was pretty much the reaction I got.   Sis 1 was like, “That’s fine if it works for you, but I don’t want to know about it.”  Sis 2 was like, “Oh I gotta’ hear this, you can tell me more later.”   I told them there wasn’t more to tell. I just felt compelled to share this with them as we share so much together and being a submissive wife and being open to sexual exploration with Mike is an integral part of who I am and I don’t want to hide that from them.  I told them that my intent is not to share all the details, but for them to know that this is an important part of my life, so important that I felt they needed to know.   And now they do.

My sisters and I are loyal to the core.  We always strive to understand each other, thus lots of questions. We are never judgmental. Never uttering the “how could you!”  But we do help each other think through the pros and cons.  In this case, I’ve analyzed my choices to death, and have considered every angle, more than once. So there wasn’t anything they asked or said that gave me pause.   A lot of the questions were due to their preconceived notion of what “submissive” meant to them.  Eventually I believe I got them to understand what it means to me.    

LAYER 5
They had questions about how we kept this from our kids, especially J, and they rightfully were concerned about how the kids would react to this if they found out.  I jokingly said that Mike and I had a “mental health savings account” to set aside money to help them with their therapy if they found out.   In all seriousness, what kid wants to know anything about their parent’s kinks?   Yuck!!   I don’t think they would be the least bit interested in knowing anything about TTWD.   There is always a risk that they walk in on something or hear something.  We take a lot of precautions to prevent that but nothing is guaranteed.  While having children shouldn’t keep a couple from their kinks, you do have to be creative and cautious to keep it under wraps.   I didn’t give them details and just assured them we take proper precautions.

LAYER 6
Leave it to Sis 2, whose got the wilder imagination sex-wise, to connect the dots re Kayla.   She suddenly blurted, “Oh my god, what about Kayla!”   I slyly said, “Well, what do you think?”   Suffice to say it was another barrage of questions and answers.   Their biggest concern was her age and I echoed that. I reminded them that she is 22 and not 16, and that we have been very careful to allow her to set her own pace with things.  Ultimately, I was able to make it clear that her living with us involves more than just a place for her to live, and that she is mature, but young, adult who is able to make decisions for herself.  I reminded them that not only was I married at 22, but Sis 1 already had a three-year old when she was 22.  While we all agree that today we are much smarter about life than we were at 22, none of us regret the decisions we made at that age.  And even if, in hindsight, we can cite unwise decisions we made in our youth, there was nothing anyone could have told us at 22 that would have changed those decisions. 

Sis 2 said something about whether I am spanked in front of Kayla.  That’s when I said, “It happens, as well as her getting spanked in front of me.”   Yet another round of questions!   They hadn’t connected that the rules and punishments applied to her. 

So, my sisters know I live a DD lifestyle, sans many of the details.  They know that we have been with at least one other couple (I didn’t name John and Donna specifically as I didn’t think it fair to John and Donna for me to share this).  And they know that Kayla is a live in “girlfriend” as they framed it.  I didn’t feel it necessary to elaborate and explain that she means more to us than that label conveys.  I believe I gave them enough news to digest for now. 

Overall it went well, as well as I was expecting.  It felt good to share.  I felt even more committed and appreciative of my submission.  There is something about a verbal affirmation to others that invigorates and reassures oneself.  Much like this blog has done for me – but more so.  

Next: 117. The Stick of Truth, Part I 

 

 

 

85. Bright or Dark? Source of Submission.

lite

If you read my last few posts (82 or 84), you know that Donna is staying with us while John is out of the country on business.  The first part of last week was hard on Donna as John required her to be subject to all my rules, and only my rules.  Having to forsake her normal routine and acts of submission was emotionally difficult.   She enjoyed the later part of the week and the weekend as John required her to only follow her normal rules, with Mike filling in for John.

Direction, Discipline, and Service.
I’ve always known John and Donna follow a different D/s relationship compared to Mike and me.  Donna really enjoys, craves, and is fulfilled by direction, discipline, and service. As for me, I like the Service the most, Discipline is good – a nice mix of pain and pleasure – but I don’t really delve into the Direction part.  I don’t seek Mike’s input on a lot of daily decisions. Part of it is that so much of my day is being a mother, and the decisions need to be made quickly.  I will give this more thought.  Perhaps there are more things I could be doing to be more submissive around “Direction.”  I kind of look at is as a nuisance to Mike if I have to seek too much direction from him.  I do defer a lot to him as it is, but I am sure I could do more.  Humm…something for me to think about and talk about with Mike.

Anyway, John set out the rules for this week and it surprised me.  He once again ordered Donna to follow my rules, from this morning (Monday) through when she wakes up on Friday.   I thought this might be devastating to Donna but she took it well.  She told me that it is much easier this week and I was surprised by her reasoning.  She said she is upbeat about it because she knows it will be difficult for her and more importantly, John knows it too, but John wants her to do it anyway.  It’s like, she feels more submissive, and thus more comfortable doing it, precisely because it is difficult for her and John knows it and is requiring it anyway.  Bottom line, she feels more like “his” submissive this week, even though she is following my rules.  Interesting!

SubmissionThe Dark Side or the Bright?
Spending all this time with Donna means we’ve been able to talk a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our personal motivations and satisfaction regarding submission.  I’ve always admitted that my submission is a bit “light” compared to Donna’s, but she made an interesting observation about my submission.   She said that she feels my submission comes from a “bright” place, and that hers is more from a “darker” place.  And, while she has not known many people who are submissive, her belief is that most cravings for submissiveness comes from a “darker” place and that I was not the norm.

What she meant by dark is that in her mind the submissive has some history that includes perhaps at least some neglect or belittlement, or at worst some physical or sexual abuse.   If not any of those, then at least a depression or high anxiety of other origin.

I’ve only known one submissive –Donna. She has met a few other than me, but didn’t know them well, so our sample size is basically limited to our personal experiences.  I disagreed with her and told her that I think it is her own personal confirmation bias talking.  We all relate best to our own experiences, and tend to assume that people who are like us must have also had similar experiences and have similar motivations.   I told her I’ve never read anything about this so can only assume that like most things in life, people involved in various TTWD run the gamut of life experiences.  That includes whether or not TTWD include D/s or any other kink.  My guess is there is no set profile of “dark” or “bright” (as she called it).

I do admit that her past has some physical, emotional, and sexual trials and tribulations that I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience.  I also admit that those experiences play a role in the colloquial “things we do” as well as in the kink culture TTWD.  I do not believe a specific set of life experiences predisposes someone to seek out a D/s relationship.  As this is just a gut feeling, I am open to the fact I could be wrong.

I also sensed condescension in her tone.  As if she was a “real” submissive and I was just playing like one.  That’s a bit of an over dramatization, but, I still felt that she was inferring this.  Funny thing, but I know in my discussions with Kayla that I’ve done far worse than just infer this.  When I was still feeling resentful about the Kayla situation I told Kayla that this was a serious life choice for me and I couldn’t accept her just doing it as a lark.  Funny how the tables have turned and Donna was basically saying something similar to me.

I avoided feeling offended by Donna as I was able to relate to what she was feeling.  I even told her how I related this to my situation with Kayla.    I agreed her submission is “deeper” than mine, but mine was made to fit me and Mike, not her and John.  It also made me realize even more that it is extremely important that Kayla is allowed to create something that fits Kayla, assuming submission is even a route she decides to go.  And so what if she is just “trying it on for size?”  There isn’t anything that says she has to be committed for life.  Heck, even I eased into the current level of submission I have with Mike.  We don’t owe the submissive lifestyle a certain “level” of submission.  My conversation with Donna just reinforced with me that we should encourage each other to find and maintain a lifestyle that brings us the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that lifestyle may be. 

I wonder if there have been any studies out there about submissives?  Specifically in the Domestic Discipline sense and specifically with the woman as submissive – although it would be interesting to see if the findings are similar with male submissives.  And I don’t mean Christian Domestic Discipline.  I mean regarding women who clearly had options and alternatives and sought out a D/s or a Domestic Discipline relationship of their own volition, absent any family or community/religious expectations.

My bet is we would find that we come from all walks of life, all ages, and a wide range life experiences.  Some great, some good, some not-so-good, and yes, some very bad too.  Oh, what do I know?  I’ve apparently got the “bright” form of submission which according to Donna predisposes me to see everything with rose-colored glasses.  Maybe so.  Maybe not?

86.  Nature vs. Nurture.  Finding my DD.