Tag Archives: kink

379. IT’S DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT TIME

When we first adopted Domestic Discipline (DD) in 2015, we felt it was important to codify our meaning of DD. Thus we created a written agreement.

I won’t repeat our history of agreements. You can read Post 320 where I go over that history in the first few paragraphs. And our approach to the agreement hasn’t change much from what I shared back in Post 10 or Post 11.

Our newest agreement is shaping up to be similar to the current one, thus I would classify it as a 3.2 version of our agreements.

WORDS ARE POWER

I don’t really like the term “renegotiation.” That sounds too adversarial; an exchange of point / counter points with each point requiring concession. Sure, there is an element of that, but, the exercise is more of an updating, validating, and reinforcing of our commitments to each other.

This exercise requires completely open and honest discussion about our needs and desires . No hidden agenda, no keeping chips in our back pocket, or any other common negotiation tactics. It’s not a zero sum game. His gains are my gains, my gains are his gains, and losses hurt both of us. I don’t know the right term for such a situation, so for now, I am stuck with “Renegotiation.”

Maybe you can help? It’s more like a time of discovery and validation. An attempt to discover facets of our relationship and of ourselves that we want to explore, codify, and outwardly commit to. Maybe that’s the word. Discovery! We sit down and discover ways to enhance what we are doing and adjust our agreement accordingly. Discovery & Calibration perhaps? I kind of like that. Open to your thoughts.

Why is it important to think about the word, “Renegotiation?” Because words are power. Words can have different meaning to different people. They set a narrative in our mind as to what we think was truly meant by the other person. “Negotiation” always has a negative connotation, so I want to replace it.

While this word is not that big of deal in the overall context of our Domestic Discipline, it illustrates that every word in our agreement should receive the same scrutiny. For the most part we’ve done that with each agreement. The result — we are both highly calibrated as to the needs and expectations of the other. I believe this calibration is the foundation of our success in DD.

SIMPLIFY, or EVEN CHUCK, THE AGREEMENT?

Each time we go over our agreement one of the first things we tell each other is that it seems more intricate than it needs to be. But as we go through it, we find we don’t want to remove much.

Ultimately, it isn’t about the length, it’s about girth (That’s what she said! lol). I mean to stay, it doesn’t matter if it is short or long, as long as each person feels their needs and desires have been communicated clearly and concisely. As some topics are complex, “concise” is a matter of opinion as it may take a lot of words to fully convey what you mean in order for the other person to understand. If you can communicate fully in fewer words, fine.

We’ve been at this long enough now that we could just get rid of our Agreement. We both have come to adhere to the Agreement as a reflex, like breathing. Do we really need to write it down anymore to remember what is expected?

I say, Yes! Mike agrees. It’s not about having the piece of paper to refer to. It’s about the exercise of putting that paper together. That process is invaluable. In fact, other than very early in our DD, the agreement itself is rarely looked at. When it is, it’s more of, “Hey, let’s read through it and see if we are living it as we expected.” Sometimes we find something and are both like, “Oh yeah, I forgot we agreed to do that. Do you want to start that today?”

My point is, I know some will say an agreement is unnecessary. For me, it was absolutely necessary and a critical part of our foundation to a successful DD dynamic. You won’t be kicked out of the DD club for not having an agreement. As with every part of your relationship – go with what works for the both of you. My only caution is I’ve found that people tend to struggle without having an agreement because they never went through the EXERCISE of fully articulating their needs and expectations.

RENEGOTIATION DISCOVERY & VALIDATION

We each took a copy of the current agreement and went through it and made our own notes and circling things we wanted to discuss. We then sat down and talked through those notes.

During a “renegotiation session,” all my rules are suspended. This is to ensure I have no influences over expressing myself other than my own personal choices. It’s my time to call him a power-hungry prick without fear of a spanking.

LOL. That was a joke. He is nothing of the sort, and our sessions are all positive! There is never a “I wish you would have…” or, “How come you didn’t…” It’s always FORWARD thinking. “Going forward I’d like…” as well as THOUGHT PROVOKING, “How do you think that would benefit you/me/us?”

By suspending our Agreement, it puts us in the mindset that we are NOT in a DD relationship at that moment. It puts our focus on what we need to codify in order to have a fulfilling and purposeful DD relationship going forward. Thus, we end up not making nearly as many edits as we thought we would.

WHAT’S CHANGING?

  • Orgasm Control. Although well within the “sex” clause of our current agreement, OC was not specifically mentioned. It will be now
  • We are going to make this one for three years. That’s the longest term we’ve ever used. It reflects that we have reached a bit of a plateau in terms of the evolution of TTWD. We’ve both found our comfort zone in DD, D/s, and all TTWD. We don’t anticipate significant changes going forward.
  • We will be making some other changes to the “Sex Clause,” “Self Care” (i.e. masturbation), and to the “Dress code.” Minor things to codify what we already do but either didn’t specifically address in the contract or we were no longer adhering to nor want to going forward. Why add these things? Because they are fun to talk about and clearly and unambiguously committing to them gives me good chills and tingles.
  • Two areas we plan to condense are the Discipline section and the Maintenance section. We’ve so engrained these in our routine of daily life that we don’t feel the need to be so specific with these topics. They are like breathing. We don’t need it in the agreement to remember what/how to do it.
  • The Mantra’s. Mike asked me to take a hard look at them to see if I want to change them. He didn’t say to change them just for the sake of change, but simply to make sure they say all that I want them to say. I am not sure I will change them. I really like them. They are like little prayers to start and end my day, or to start a spanking I earned.

I’ll post the latest agreement once it is done!

Here’s a list of the contract’s I’ve posted before:

12. Our Domestic Discipline Contract (Oct 2015 – Oct 2017)
174. My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract (Oct 2017 – Mar 2019)
320. Domestic Discipline Contract Version 3.1  (Mar 2019 – Mar 2021)

Next: 380. Our Domestic Discipline Contract, version 3.2

378. Two Million Thanks, Covid, and a $281 Venti Latte?? Where’s the Kink?

Yeah, I haven’t posted in six weeks. No reason other than just wasn’t in the mindset to post. Several notable things occurred in that time.

2 MILLION VIEWS

Look at me, look at me! Around February 4, I went over 2 million total views since inception of my blog in April 2016. I hit a million in Sep 2019.

I am in awe. It feels a bit weird. I never intended, and never thought, it would come to this. I went into this with no plan to post anything after my first dozen posts. Yet, here we are!

I think about blogs I follow and why. For the non-kink blogs, it’s less about their specific lifestyle and more about the way they write. Some people write in a way that beckons me into their thoughts or world. I follow blogs ranging from fitness, to fashion, to homemaking. And the “Day-in-the-life” blogs are not all kink related (but many are). Many are just musings of daily life from people that most would describe as “normal.” Well, normal compared to me. That’s not saying much!

While it does feel good and I felt proud enough to want to share it, NOT focusing on “followers” is something I like about the WordPress community. It seems people write because they are compelled to write, readers be damned. The joy in writing comes across in many blogs. I hope it does in mine. I like sharing the goings on in my life. It’s great self-therapy. And when I don’t feel like posting, like the last six weeks, then I don’t post.

Thank you for reading. I will continue to post whenever the urge to do so is there. That way I can continue to deliver only the finest quality posts worthy of your time and benefiting your mind. Such as only the best posts about orgasm denial you could ever hope to read. LOL!

Anyway, thank you. It does stroke the ego to know that there is enough perv in people to take interest in my life.

COVID HITS HOME

Covid hit home with our middle son, affectionally referred to as T2 on this blog, coming down with Covid. He lives in the San Diego area. I think I shared that before. After college he got a great job there. Anyway, he lives with his girlfriend and another roommate. Overall they were being cautious but, everyone seems to justify their own reasonable exceptions here and there. Not judging, it’s just human nature. Well anyway, their roommate took one too many exceptions and brought Covid home to all of them.

This just happened two weeks ago and they are still not 100%. Their roommate had mild symptoms, fever and aches, that lasted about three days. T2 had the same, except he lost the ability to taste and smell and it has not yet returned. They say it can take a long time for that to return. Unfortunately, T2’s girlfriend got it the worst. She had a fever for 10 straight days, all in the 102-103 range. Severe muscle aches as well where she couldn’t even stand without assistance. She had a little trouble breathing the first two nights, but self treated with inhalers and nebulizer. The hospital didn’t want her in unless her fever stayed over 103 and/or if she had significant trouble breathing.

She ended up with fluid in her lungs, but still, no hospitalization. They came to their apartment and performed on infusion called Bamlanivimab. She responded very well to that and the fever broke and she’s been feeling better every day, but still not 100%.

Both T2 and his girlfriend had their 25th birthdays in the last two weeks. Those are birthdays they’ll never forget. And let that be a cautionary tale for you 20-somethings out there. It can happen to you and it can be worse than just a regular virus.

Also, John and Donna both got Covid late last year. While their fevers and aches only lasted 3-4 days, John had respiratory issues that have not 100% resolved. He basically ended up with some lung damage that is not expected to be permanent but may take several more months to fully heal. He now uses an inhaler every day – something he never did before.

Our youngest has received his first vaccine shot and gets his second one tomorrow. He has always been our biggest worry because we know he might not survive it. I think I’ve shared before that he has been hospitalized with “routine” respiratory infections before.

This would be a good time to go on a political rant about Texas and our governors decision to lift all Covid-related restrictions so that businesses could make money for Spring Break. We have all sacrificed so much over the last year and the finish line is in sight. Now, because of failed leadership, more people won’t be crossing that finish line. Speaking of a lack of leadership. . .

TEXAS WINTER STORM

We were hit with a winter storm a few weeks back that was the worst Texas has ever seen. We were without power for a 15 hour stretch when temps were below 10 degrees AND after only having power about 5 minutes per hour the previous 4-5 hours. The house was already cold before the 15 hour stretch.

Our youngest was at the farm during this and it got scary for us because he has temperature regulation issues and they were without power longer than we were. While I could trust my eldest and his wife were doing everything to keep J warm, it just felt helpless not being the one to make sure he was getting what he needed. Thankfully, a fire place at the neighbors was sufficient to keep him warm – Covid protocols be damned.

While such a storm would have been a challenge for any power supply structure, we do have a point of comparison of how it COULD have been. El Paso had a few thousand residents without power for less than 30 minutes. The rest of the state experienced what I did, and even worse in some areas.

Why? Because El Paso did things no other area of Texas did to be better prepared (i.e., spent money to better winterize their power supply). Clearly, leadership matters. Just ask those families who lost loved ones due to freezing to death.

Just as in healthcare, a system based on supply-and-demand where there is zero incentive to produce any more supply above what is normally demanded, and to be allowed to price gouge anytime the demand exceeds supply, is a crappy system for electricity. The power companies raked in BILLIONS during the storm, and their political allies in Austin will be justly rewarded. Residents were stuck with massive electric bills.

I’ll try and limit my rant, but consider that nationally in America, the average cost per megawatt hour of electricity is $133. At certain points during the storm, the cost in Texas reached $9,000. Keep in mind it didn’t cost that much more to produce the power, but because the price is based on demand, since more people wanted it, the price was raised.

Let’s put that in perspective. You go to the store to buy milk that is usually $3 a gallon. At checkout they tell you, sorry, it was $3 when you walked in, but now it is $203. Oh, and your $200 total grocery bill? Sorry, that’s $13,530 now. Pay up!

More? That $1,500 rent. Nope, it is $102,500 this month. Your venti coffee? $281 please. And with electricity, you don’t have a choice, other than DIE! ALL THE WHILE it did not cost more to produce another megawatt of power. It is simply legalized price gouging courtesy of Qtrumplikkklans who run Texas.

While the Texas “leadership” is to blame for the degree of failure, to be honest, it isn’t just a problem created by the reichwing. Nationally our power system was built in the 50’s with a 50-year lifespan. Of course, it was built back when the top corporate and individual tax rates ranged from 70-90%, but that was communism and was oppressing everyone so it had to be stopped and replaced with trickle-down economics. And that’s what Texans got during the storm – a trickle of power from those in power.

WHERE’S THE KINK?

Prior to the storm we had been getting together with John and Donna again. Just hanging out as friends and of course, as friends with benefits. I won’t explain our rationale because honestly, it was faulty. Please don’t complain in the comments. We understand how stupid we were. We just reached our own tipping point and needed some normalcy and we all caved. I will note that we made sure that if J was coming home from the farm that we isolated for two weeks before having him home. But still, it was dumb for us to do what we did.

We came to our senses and have resumed our social distancing. As T2’s experience taught us, why get careless now? It would be offensive to our own sacrifices of the last year. Whatever our form of cabin fever, we can hold out another three months or so.

CONTRACT RENEGOTIATION

Our current Agreement expires March 17. “Negotiations” in full swing. More to come on my next post!

Thanks again for reading my blog!

NEXT: 379. It’s Domestic Discipline Contract Time

376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

  1. Make your expectations clear
    This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
  2. No wrong answers
    Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
  3. No backseat driving
    Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”

    Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.

    #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
  4. Failure is part of the process.
    Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
  5. Reward and Support
    Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.

    It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show how “tough” I was. I didn’t say a word either and waited to see what happened at bed time.

Well, at bedtime we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!

NEXT: 371. So long to Sex? Submissive Wife.

367. No-vember: Orgasm Control

I should give you an update as to the conclusion of Chelsea’s stay with us and where things stand between her and her husband. Perhaps another post. I am overdo for sharing a kink-related story. . . as if the whole Chelsea thing is just normal vanilla stuff! lol. Anyway, I thought it was time to write about something fun and even a bit silly, ORGASM CONTROL.

Mike decided I would be subject to NO-vember. As in no orgasms all month. In fact, perhaps even no sex at all! But before I elaborate, let’s get on the same page regarding Orgasm Control.

I’ve shared that late last year I agreed to give control over my orgasms to Mike. That is, I can only cum when he has given me permission. As part of that, I can not even masturbate without explicit permission. I also shared that back in June, both me and Kayla were subject to Juno.

BACKGROUND

Mike was the one that came to me with the idea and, always willing to consider anything that gives Mike more control and influence over me, I was game. It all seemed a lot like a game to me. It’s such a silly thing for a couple to do, even in the context of our less-than-vanilla lifestyle. Or so I thought! I’ve learned it’s serious stuff!

Serious in that it has had profound consequences – positive consequences. It has had a far greater impact than I thought it would. It may be silly, but it’s also serious in a uniquely kinky way!

Orgasm Control isn’t just about abstinence. In fact, it’s less about abstinence and more about simply not being allowed to orgasm during sex. There’s a lot of “edging” that goes on. Here’s a link for the uninitiated. Also, here’s another great article on Kinkly.

The folklore is that edging turns a woman into a constantly dripping brain-dead sex-crazed goon who is ready, willing, and able to perform any sexual act on command. I learned that this folklore is actually fairly accurate. Of course, with me, Mike was starting with someone that isn’t far removed from already being that caricature.

I’ve shared before that Domestic Discipline has given me a heightened sexual feeling 24×7. On a sexual desire scale of 1 to 10, I feel I my “baseline” state is a 2. For context, think of it as being in a constant state where I am 20% of the way to an orgasm. I believe it is because I am so happy and fulfilled and my mindset of constant submission stimulates me sexually even though I may not be thinking sexual thoughts. Submission is just sexy to me! Orgasm Control (OC) added to that baseline. . . yep, “dripping sex crazed goon” is not too far off.

I must ask permission to masturbate or for any sex I have, as well as ask permission to have an orgasm. He may also tell me to edge at any time. Since adopting OC, it reduced how often I masturbate to climax. And maybe about a third of the time I am not allowed to cum during sex. So I’ve gone from daily-cummer to maybe twice a week on average, three or four in a good week.

This increased my “baseline” sexual desire to at least a 3.3 or maybe even a 4. That may not sound like much, but think of it as being 33% of your way to an orgasm — as your default state throughout the day. OC can be summed up like this:

Even when I’m not horny, I’m still a little horny.

When Mike tells me to edge it doesn’t take me long to go from 33% to 99%. And then I have to stop. No orgasm. The more days I am only allowed to edge, the more my baseline increases, until, indeed, as foretold by the kink prophecies, I am desperate to have an orgasmic release.

And when finally allowed to cum, it’s almost never just an “Okay you can cum.” It’s an edge, then a stop. Another edge, then a stop. Another, and maybe another. And then finally, usually with me begging to be allowed to cum, he allows it. Typically, I am not a very vocal cummer. But the best way I can describe orgasms after extended OC is this:

I beg him with my words, my eyes, my body.
I scream my desire, squealing phrases
that will make me flush in shame
when I recall them tomorrow.

These are by far the strongest most earth shattering orgasms I’ve every had. It makes OC worth it!

And as a bonus, it just tickles my submissive spot to know that I can only orgasm if Mike allows it. I often have to ask permission to do so. The act of asking, sometimes begging, for it has its own impact. It tickles my submissive spot even more, and at a time I can’t stand much more “tickling.”

NOvember

Like Juno (June-no), NOvember is another month one can dedicate to OC. While I live 24×7 with OC, (ha, sounds like the beginning of a pharmaceutical commercial), these “special” months are designated for more intense and focused OC.

Mike decided that he didn’t want me and Kayla to both be subject to his NOvember. He announced that Juno will be for Kayla, and NOvember will be for me. So, yea me!

Further, while our first Juno had a lot of edging and sex with no orgasm, Mike said he would make these “events” to be more about overall abstinence with some of the edging thrown it. But no cumming, so yep, November will be an orgasm free month for me, unless I mess up.

Oh – speaking of messing up. What happens if I let an O slip in? For one, I am expected to handle a UO by making it a UFO. That’s our-speak for Unauthorized Orgasm and Unauthorized Failed Orgasm. A failed orgasm, better known as a “ruined orgasm” is one where I am expected to NOT enjoy the moment. I do my best to distract or disrupt what’s going on down there and everywhere else in my body. Basically, try and make it as weak of an O as possible. In addition to UFO, I would also be subject to disciplinary action and perhaps a prolonged period of abstinence.

Have I ever slipped and released a UO! Yes, once!
What is a typical day in NOvember been like? Perverted minds want to know.

Next post, maybe?

NEXT: 368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

362. ALMOST FORGOT: CLIFFHANGER & SEX BLOGGER AWARDS

Two things I forgot to include the last post.. . .

CLIFFHANGER – DICK & BELT OR TAKE THE OUT?
I meant to close out the cliffhanger from Post 360. Finger Spankin’ Good. Did I choose Dick & Belt, or did I take the out Mike offered me?

I only had moments to formulate a response. I quickly assessed all the pros and cons and —- I took the out!

I can get dick any time, and as for the belt, as much as I accept spankings, guess what? They hurt! So given the opportunity, I’ll opt-out. I was already spanked a bit and I think my orgasm also contributed to my dick-free mood. Plus, I wanted to make a point that, as much as I appreciated the “deviation from the norm,” (aka “the nice finger fuck”), I strive to keep sex and discipline separate.

And that’s the perfect segue. . . .

SEX BLOGGER RESOURCE & AWARDS
I encourage you to check out Kinkly and subscribe! tI’s one of my favorite sites. Their Sex Blogger Directory is a great resource for finding blogs that relate to your tastes and desires.

I’ve been listed in their Superheroes List in the past. Something like #360-ish out of 500. Nice to be listed! They are currently taking votes for their updated list.

You can Vote Here.
Sort alphabetically and look for Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style

If you have a blog you’d like to be listed, you can be added to Kinkly’s list by going here.

Whether you give me a nod or not, I encourage you to check out Kinkly if you’re a reading perv or register your site if you’re a kink-related blogger-perv, like me.

Post 363. Irrative Process Part 1 Why I Submit

346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

346

Since I haven’t been posting regularly I plan on continuing doing an update on the people in my life.  I’ve posted about Mike and Kayla, and will share a family-friendly update about my kids, and then our friends within our “Circle of Trust,” and maybe my lunch bunch friends as well.  But before I do, I figured I should cover our 2020 Immersion. 

2020 P.C.?
There is a new way to mark time.  “PC” as in “Pre-Corona.”  (and conversely, AC for “After Corona).  Immersion was right on the cusp of Corona.  In hindsight, much closer than we imagined and we are fortunate we didn’t cause our own outbreak.  Immersion ran from March 6 – March 12, which in Corona time seems like years ago. 

I also want to mention that I put off writing about it because the idea of talking about overindulgent sexual gratification may be insensitive during these trying times.  However, I also feel it may be just the mental break we all need.  Dive into your fantasies and pick some to actually live out with a partner.   One positive of troubling times is that it underscores that that is no time like the present.

IMMERSION?
Our “Immersion” tradition began in 2016 as an idea we came up with to explore and experiment beyond our normal TTWD.   Setting aside specific “exploratory” time to fully immerse ourselves into all things kink is a great way to open your mind to new things.  There’s a psychological benefit to knowing that it is likely temporary and part of an experiment of sorts.   It allows us a greater psychological freedom to really explore our kinks.    

  • Our first immersion was about exploring a Total Power Exchange dynamic where I gave Mike ultimate control over everything.   Keep in mind up to that point we had been practicing a “DD for me” that was about discipline and rules that were on my terms, not Mike’s.
  • Our 2017 Immersion was dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” and was our first immersion with Kayla.   John and Donna even joined in part of it.   We explored all sorts of dynamics from Pet Play, Shibari, DD/lg.
  • For 2018 the theme was “Got Milk?”  Yep, exploring lactation fetish, among other things.   John and Donna also joined us and while we did explore other things, the notable “event’ was the lactation.
  • And last year, it was a group event with the main theme of Con/NonCon.  We jokingly refer to it as Con-NonCon-Con as in Consensual Nonconsent Convention.   The consensus is that this was our least favorite Immersion. No regrets, as Immersion is about new experiences and finding what turns you on or off.   The best part of it was the deepening of friendships within our Circle of Trust.  It had a total of 15 participants, although we weren’t all together at the same time.  

This year?  The theme was SwapFest!.  The idea was to take expand on the best of 2019’s Immersion and use it as an opportunity to better forge individual and collective relationships within our “Circle of Trust.”  We’ve become a very unique group of friends!

CIRCLE OF TRUST (COT)
If you’re new here, our COT is what we call our close group of friends with whom we kink.  This kink can involve swapping partners or various other sexually or kinky oriented play.   The official COT for us includes John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.  Auxiliary members include Valerie and Raul, with ad-hoc membership from Mister and Nurse Ann.   A cornucopia of debauchery!

IMMERSION 2020 PC: SWAPFEST
Not sure who exactly came up with the idea.  It was a collective idea that emerged from the guys.   It would include the three of us, of course, along with John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.

There was planning involved such that people took time off from work and TJ and Kim arranged for childcare.  TJ and Kim arranged to have all three of their kids visiting or vacationing elsewhere.  

The idea was simple, we would rotate through a mix of “couplings.”  These would be groups of two or three people who would spend the day and night together.  The idea of these swaps would be to get to know each other better and use that time to not only explore new activities but to learn more about each other.  I hope this image displays properly.  It shows how people were paired with each other:

Group

You read it like this – Day 1, Jill and Chelsea spent the day and night with Jaime, while Donna spent it with Mike, I spent it with TJ, Kayla with Matt, and Kim with John.  The women spent the day at the house/apartment of the respective man.  The rules were we (woman) would serve and submit to that man.   As always, limits and safe words were respected.

This was a big deal on many levels.  Not every couple considers themselves swingers.  They may have done some swap/soft swap here and there, but not as a lifestyle.  Not that we were intending for this to start such a lifestyle — it was meant as exploration and play.  But still, it was a big deal for many involved, especially Jaime and Chelsea.  But everyone was excited about it.  

Day 1 started at 10 a.m. when the women went to the homes of “their man.”  It didn’t end until 10 a.m. the next day when the women would go to their “next man.” 

It allowed us to get to know each other in a more meaningful way.  I learned more about certain kinks that some people have.  For instance, TJ surprised me the most in that he liked to be on the receiving end of certain humiliation play and punishments.  I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised since I knew he liked being pegged, I just didn’t realize what else he was into in that regard.  

Being one-on-one with Jaime was also interesting.  He’s shy and quiet but once he got comfortable he let loose in ways that surprised me.   I could share details, but I think I’ll leave some things to your imagination.   It would take too long to give you a blow-by-blow (both literally and figuratively, hee-hee) of each of my pairings.

The threesomes were also interesting.  I drew one, with Chelsea and TJ.  I was glad I got to be with Chelsea on that one as she didn’t really know what to make of TJ and I was able to help her and keep her feeling safe and secure.   TJ is a freak – and I say that in a non-judgmental affectionate way.  I can enjoy a freak.  I can handle a freak.  Chelsea, well, she was a bit perplexed and unsure at times.   We got through it.  

In addition to my own fun,  Mike and Kayla loved the experience as well.  We all swapped lots of interesting and sometimes funny stories!

We had planned a Day 6 gathering of everyone and canceled it due to the oncoming Corona and the expected early return of Kim and TJ’s kids.   Oh, the things we have had to give up due to this pandemic!   

FILL IN THE ‘IN
Sorry that I was light on the explicit details.  Just know there was a lot of f’in and suckin’ and whippin’ and lickin’ and pokin’ and prodin’ and all sorts of in’in and out’in.   May your imagination run wild!  

Let’s hope life A.C. is as fun and kinky as life P.C.!

NEXT: 347. Update on the Fam

 

341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking, . . . and Blanket Forts!

covid

I feel a bit like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  Of course, my fiddling involves my clit! LOL.

Seriously though, with all that’s going on it seems rather self-indulgent to talk about my sexploits.  We had our annual Immersion the week of March 8.  The theme of Immersion 2020 was “Swapfest.”  Think of it as the complete opposite of  “social distancing.”  At least our “fluid exchange” was limited to just a small group of friends who all were, and are, reporting that they are completely healthy.   In hindsight, it was dumb of us to have done that, but March 8, was a different world than March 23.

I had a TTWD-related post ready to go,  but before I post that one I felt compelled to throw in my Covid-19 commentary.   So let’s put aside the kink and get serious for a moment and remind ourselves of some things we may easily forget in these times —

ANXIETY
People
who deal with anxiety, depression, cognitive impairments, or mental illness may be more severely impacted by the added stress and worry.
Even if you or a family member doesn’t have any of those issues, anxiety levels are higher for all of us, even the otherwise “normally” functioning people.  (Hey, who just said, “Jen, sorry to tell you, but YOU are NOT “normally functioning!”  I heard that.  Come on, admit it.  It was you!).

CHILDREN
Children process information differently and can be more stressed than adults, which in turn can cause added stress for the parents.   Creating a routine can reduce stress, so find a way to structure their days at home and give them something fun and exciting to look forward to.  A family game night, or movie night (pretty much endless movies available on streaming services).

Your family may be distancing from society, but don’t isolate from each other within a household.  Find things to do collectively.  

Use it as an opportunity to teach kids how to prepare a meal (or if that doesn’t excite them, make a cake or cookies).  There are all sorts of things you can do to try and keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.   Go through old photo albums or your high school yearbook with them.  Walk around the block together, google arts and crafts – it’s amazing what you can do with a toilet paper roll and some glue.  Build an awesome blanket fort with them, google how to make cool paper airplanes…. there’s a lot of fun things you can do to keep kids entertained beyond video games.    And finding things you can do with them will allows you an opportunity to do this thing with them called “talking” which is the very best activity you can do with them right now.   

Even if there aren’t kids at home, it might be fun to do some of these things with a spouse or an older child.  Who doesn’t love a cool blanket fort?  

CERTAINTY AND CONTROL
Everyone deals with uncertainty by trying to add a level of certainty and control to whatever they can
.   For some it may be subtle and positive – organize that closet, garage, or room that is in disarray, or simply re-arrange the furniture in your house.  For others it may not be so subtle or positive – demand those around us behave and act a certain way, become controlling, demanding.   Or it may be more innocuous – buy all the toilet paper you can get your hands on.

Another constructive thing is to sit down and review your finances – make a budget for the first time – look and see where you money has been going.  Look into any insurance you may need, assuming you feel good about your income and ability to pay for it.   We are all living the unexpected, so some people may feel better about owning insurance that deals with other unexpected things in life.

All of these are things some people may do to try and feel a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.   It’s our way of coping and saying, “you may have disrupted a significant part of my life, but I’ll be damned if I have get reduced to using an old t-shirt to wipe my butt.”  That sounds like it is a joke, but it isn’t.  Really.  Buying certain essentials, like toilet paper, has a positive psychological benefit in times of uncertainty.

What have you done to get your mind of things and that gives you some semblance of order and control? Would love to see you share that in the comments.

DONATE
Donating can give us a positive emotional lift!  Social services will be stressed in many areas.   Donate to Meals on Wheels or some other local charity that will be challenged to provide more services.  If you prefer to help animals, most Zoo’s are ran as non-profits relying on attendance to stay afloat.  Close the zoo and their primary source of revenue stops. They need donations.

Even if it is just $10, it feels good and makes you feel like you are doing something more than just organizing a closet or buying toilet paper.  

Realize that most businesses are NOT multi-billion dollar corporations.  They often have enough cash on hand that if they close their doors they might be able to make payroll once, maybe twice if they are lucky.  Then – they are done.  And that small business that supplies services or materials to larger businesses — if the small business is gone, the larger business can’t get what they need.  I am no financial prognosticator, but 4 out of 5 submissive kinky housewife’s agree that we could see 20% unemployment in the U.S.   While the government works out stimulus and bail out options, WE can all choose empathy and compassion.  It’s free, but admittedly can be in short supply.

TALK!
Another free activity!  We don’t always know what the next person or family member is dealing with or how they are dealing with it, so be extra compassionate.    Don’t add the their dread.  Throwing a pity party will only bring both of you down.  Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can be very therapeutic.    Call friends, call family members, even those you haven’t connected with in a long time.  They may not want to talk, which is fine, but you might be surprised.  If they do talk, then just talk to them.    Just show empathy and compassion and try not to project your own worry and stress on them – because here’s a tip — they’ve got plenty already!

Don’t add to the uncertainty by saying, “I heard this happened,  I heard that is going to happen…”   Be in listen only mode.  Think of it as an  opportunity to be a calm and friendly voice.   These folks may have only talked to other concerned friends and relatives, or is getting all their news from Facecrook, er, Facebook.  You might be the only person they’ve talked to who hasn’t freaked out over the fact that, most certainly, the virus is a precursor to a bigger attack by alien demons who are controlled by the devil who has been set free because of gay marriage.

HELP MAY BE OUT THERE
People often aren’t aware of the social services that may be available in their area, so remind them they shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to local services if they or a family member needs help.   Almost every community has Meals on Wheels type programs for elderly.   There’s typically mental health crisis support and a host of other services, many of which can be accessed just by phone.  A google search is typically all it takes to find out what social services or charity services are available in a given city.   

There may be a wait lists and it’s not an end-all be-all solution, but it’s worth knowing and they can start looking into it if they are concerned about an elderly relatives access to food (or their own access).   Or, they may not have ever used Grub Hub or other food delivery service (if available in your area).   If you have, share with them how easy it was.  It can be expensive to eat that way all the time, but having occasional take-out at home can at least break up some monotony (assuming restaurants are open, and in some areas they are for take-out only).                  

So if you’ve already stocked up on toilet paper, it’s time to clean your closet. . . or build that blanket fort!  

Stay safe, and for now, suspend the kink, unless it is with someone you are isolating with.  (Hum…worldwide baby boom in December?)

Next: 342. Kayla Interview – Part I

338. Jen, just shut up already!

338
This is my last post. . . .

 

talking about my hiatus!  lol.  

Gotcha!

Of course, I am going to keep blogging!  I am too into me to stop!  There’s plenty of domestic discipline debauchery to dole out to you  – at a slower pace.  It’s just that I had an epiphany that helped me understand what I think was at the core of my lack of motivation to blog.  And that realization has actually helped increase my interest in blogging again.  

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD
In the past, I couldn’t wait to write about a blogworthy topic that popped in my head.  Now?  Meh.  In a prior post I shared reasons behind the multi-month respite and slower pace of blogging.  But recently I came to realize there was another reason, a more compelling and powerful reason than what I previously stated.

I’ve always been a bit of a loudmouth, quick to share my thoughts about any topic.  You’d think I would have been an awful guidance counselor, but I behaved differently in a clinical setting.  I was good with the open-ended questions to help people “find their truth” or reconcile some internal conflict.  But I’ve always been quick to share what’s on my mind outside of that setting.  There is a mantra of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   I love this saying, but I rarely followed it.

When we adopted Domestic Discipline almost 5 years ago, it was one of the things I wanted to improve about myself.  I knew reigning in my reflex to demand to be heard would help make me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, you name it.   My blog became one place where I didn’t have to reign that it.  I could go on a rant about anything at any time, such as An Esoteric Ramble, or a politically fueled, We Are Not Okay, But We Will Be.

It was my interactions on the site I mentioned in the last post, Sister’s in Submission,  that woke me up to the fact I once again was going down a path of seeking to be understood before understanding others.  I realized I was not only too quick to throw in my two cents on a topic, but my responses seemed to have the effect of shutting down dialogue, not continuing it.   Of course, I’d like to think it is because my responses were so thought out that they resonated with everyone’s “truth” thus there was simply nothing left for anyone to add.   That MUST be the reason.   Either that or it was because I was dominating the conversation, not furthering it.  Hum.  Maybe the latter?

And I noticed this old habit started appearing IRL.  With friends, family, coworkers, and yes, even with Mike.  (BTW, I’ll talk about my new job at some point. It’s part-time).

So I decided that while I would still chime in now and then, I would be less demonstrative and more suggestive in my online responses.   I also recommitted to myself to be a better listener with everyone I interacted with, whether it was online or IRL.

And I loved it!

I was getting something rewarding and fulfilling out of being  quieter – out of “seeking to understand before being understood.”   I was enjoying reading what other people had to say, being more inquisitive in my statements versus pushing my own conclusions.  It was nice hearing a different voice than my own.  And thus, the thought of “telling all” or ranting via my blog no longer motivated me. 

Also, I think there is some level of authority we all give to someone who goes on and on about a particular topic, in my case, Domestic Discipline.  And as I stated, I felt a bit intimidated with my million views and sex blogger ranking.   Like,  don’t listen to me.  I am no expert.  I do consider myself an expert on MY LIFE, but no one else’s.  I told myself, “Jen, just shut up already!”   So I did!

YAWN.  ENOUGH!  GIVE US SEXY TIME!
But now my “quiet period is over.  No need to “be quiet.”  Maybe quieter, but not quiet.  As I stated in a prior post, I needed to “get over myself.”    My obscure little blog is not intended to change the worldview on human sexuality, gender roles, marriage, or kink.  It’s simply a way for me to think through things while scratching my itch to be a bit of an exhibitionist (and for some of you more pervy folks, maybe masturbatory fodder).

With that – guess what?  We’ve been making plans for Immersion 2020 It’s become an “event” in our Circle of Trust where people have planned to take time off work – a bit of a sexual exploration vacation!  The guys are coordinating a “Swap-fest” of sorts where we will be spending some meaningful one-on-one time with other members of our group.  As in, spending the evening and night with someone other than your significant other(s).   I don’t know all the details and will happily share them when I do. 

AND — we are about a month away from our FIVE YEAR DD-VERSARY.  That’s right!  Five years of committing to a Domestic Discipline dynamic.    And there is still a lot I’d love to fill you in on regarding the last several months.    More blogging to come!

NEXT: 339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

332. The Kink Resources Department

332

I have resigned to the fact I have become an infrequent blogger.   I enjoy it, but am just not making it a priority.   So there you have it.

My prior post was about a kinky slippery slope that I referred to as Kinkthink!  While I use that term somewhat in jest, I do believe it is a real thing and couples exploring their sexual horizons should be mindful and avoid it creeping into their mindset.  

We certainly have explored greater and greater sexual adventures over the last few years and we remain open to exploring more charted and uncharted sexual territory.   I think we’ve avoided making unhealthy decisions via Kinkthink.  But to be honest, I think we did it more by chance than by clearly understanding and acknowledging the risks of Kinkthink.

One phrase that can help avoid Groupthink applies to Kinkthink as well,  That is –

“NONE OF US IS AS DUMB AS ALL OF US.” 

That really sums up the risks and the momentum a “crowd mentality” can unleash.  And the more singularly focused and homogeneous a group is, the easier it is to create that momentum.  Hum, kind of like the GOP!  I digress.

COOL YOUR JETS!
One thing that we do  is to have a “cooling” off both during and after Immersion.  This was Mike’s idea and started back at our first Immersion.   Mike would essentially call a random “time out” during our festivities where we would just relax.  A warm bath, quiet music, not much talking.  No, not because we couldn’t talk with our mouthful of whatever body part.  There is no sex during “cooling off.”   Oh, with one exception —  

This year he brought along all sorts of oils and he gave me and Kayla a massage.  Of course, that led to sex, but the slow, soft, tender, and sultry vacation-sex.   And it was definitely a “lay there, relax, it’s-all-about-you-sex.”  That’s different than immersion-sex.

These time outs were like extended aftercare sessions.   A physical and emotional re-set before resuming our exploration.

When we returned home Mike had us take an “indefinite” time off from ALL our duties and obligations.  A “submissive-free” time period that went on for four days.   Submission is a default for me.  It is not something I consciously do (with some exceptions).   It was actually more difficult to be sub-free than you would think.

Mike also stepped up and did more chores around the house.  He also treated me and Kayla to a spa day, complete with mani, pedi, facial (the cosmetic type, hee hee), and professional massage.   Not to denigrate Mike’s massage skills, but let’s face it, it’s hard for Mike to compete with a professional masseuse.  Well, sans the sex part, lol.

After three days Mike gave us the heads up that it would be one more day “D/s free” and then back to our normal routine (or abnormal routine if you insist, lol).   Both me and Kayla were ready.  We were re-energized, re-set, and re-focused on returning to what is our default mindset of serving Mike.

KINKTHINK AVOIDANCE TIPS

  • Encourage and remain open and accepting of everyone’s feelings.
    If someone expresses hesitation don’t take that as a signal that they just need a nudge to convince them to do it.
    Don’t gloss over their feelings  – “Ah, come on, you can do it.”   

    Do validate their feelings – even if you don’t agree  – Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way, that’s really insightful.”

    After you validate what they are feeling you can still explain how it makes you feel and have an open and honest discussion about it.

    I think we were fortunate once again, thanks to Mike.  I believe it is part of his natural leadership skills and why he does well in business.  If we are discussing a scene or particular activity, he is good at getting “the quiet one” to express themselves.  “We haven’t heard from Jillian on this one,” or, “So Jaime, what are your concerns about that?”

    Of course, in business he isn’t soliciting feedback about whether you are okay with your breasts being flogged or prefer this butt plug over that one.   At least I don’t think he does that at work?   Hum… maybe I shouldn’t assume??

  •  Diversity 
    It isn’t enough to accept everyone’s thoughts and feelings because there is a risk that the people you surround yourself with, our friends in this case, already share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.For instance, I find that the three of us are far more daring and willing to explore with John and Donna, but were a bit more cautious with the other couples.   Part of it is that we feel John and Donna are pros at TTWD and have confidence in knowing and expressing their limits.  But part of it is that we share a lot in common with them.  This shared mindset often leads to a feeling of, “if they are willing to do it, so are we.”   That’s Kinkthink!

    Having a diverse group of friends helps with this, and we certainly have that.  That’s why we didn’t have all six couples together at the same time – we knew some may feel pressured to try things they shouldn’t.   Also, hearing the concerns from each of the couples helped remind us of things we should stay aware of.   We would not have had those reminders if not for the diversity in our group.

  • Healthy questioning – Dom or sub.  
    Again, I credit Mike for this one.  While we have a lot of insight into the unique dynamics of each couple, we don’t know everything about them.   A good example is Matt and Jillian.  Jillian is very quiet.  We believe it isn’t because Matt doesn’t want her speaking and it is just that she is a quiet person.  But regardless, it was important to check in with her and make sure she is on board.   I think Mike’s open-ended questions to everyone helped set an environment where everyone was comfortable expressing themselves.   And the quieter ones, like Jillian, soon learned that if she didn’t speak up, Mike would likely be calling on her anyway.
  • Kinkthink awareness and avoidance is everyone’s job
    This is something we haven’t done.  I talked with Mike and he agreed we need to bring up Kinkthink with everyone so that we are all more sensitive to it.  It’s easy for one person to become a kink-bully without even knowing it.  They may use subtle statements that discourage dialogue and encourages conformity.   It’s easy to forget that anything you say that furthers the majority opinion can intimidate the minority view, even if that was not your intention.Having thought about it, in hindsight all three of us agreed that this sounded a bit like Matt.  Not that he was intentionally doing anything, but he would often be the one saying, “Ah, come on, you can do this.”

    It’s subtle.  You want to encourage people, which I believe is how he always intended it.   However, you can also unduly influence someone, which sometimes I think he did as well.   It’s not about intent, it’s about impact!  It’s a fine line and lot of it is tone and context.   Matt will have a talk with Immersion HR about some Kinkthink training.  hee-hee!

This all sounded a bit like a kinksters human resources guide.  I like that idea and frankly, it is an appropriate analogy.   Part of HR’s role is for employees to work better together, understand each other better, amicably resolve disputes, and training and development.   All with the goal of achieving mutual goals.  Ha, I didn’t realize it until now.  Immersion 2019 functioned like a Human Resources department. . .ahem, a Kink Resources Department!

The three of us agreed that while we did a good job, we need to improve our KR if we are going to do this again and want to ensure continued healthy outcomes.

Hey, I think I am overdue from sharing a spanking story.  After all, yes, my husband spanks me!  What’s DD without some discipline?  Next post perhaps!

NEXT: 333. Mike says tomato, I get in a pickle.