Tag Archives: kink

226. Kink Research


As per our latest DD contract,  Mike comes up with something new for me to work on each quarter.  My first goal was weight loss.  I attained that goal and even lost about 2 more pounds.  I don’t plan on losing more.  I maintain an exercise routine (just less intense), and I still watch what I eat (and compensate a treat or two with some added exercise).    

Mike has me writing papers for my next goal.  It’s an opportunity for both of us to learn more about various “adult/kink/sex” topics.   The plan was a paper a week (13 papers), but Mike soon saw the benefit of more time/fewer papers.  Now, due dates vary, typically 10-14 days.  I am glad he did this as I not only 
want to do a good job, but we both learn a lot. 

At first I thought these papers would be easy and fun.  Well, they have been fun, but a bit more difficult than anticipated. 

I didn’t count on Mike prescribing specific guidelines like a college professor!   Things like, a definition section, complete citations from sources, provide insights into counter arguments that exist, and many many other requirements.  

Some people think a submissive is sometimes treated like a child.  In this case, it’s like being treated like a college student, with the caveat that a poor grade can result in a spanking!  But of course, I love it. 

My plan was to use each paper as a post.  Mike had other ideas.   After submitting my first paper, he read it several times, critiqued it, we discussed it, and then. . . he burned it!  He said it was for the same reason as the burning ritual we have when we replace an old DD contract with new.

What was interesting to me is that I always interpreted our burning of our old contract as representing that our contracts aren’t continuations, but new beginnings.  I mentioned before that we burn the old contract just prior to signing the new one, so in that moment, there is no commitment regarding submission.  I am not “officially” submissive until we sign the new one.  It is ceremonial, but meaningful.  

To Mike, our burning ceremony means those things and more.  One, it’s akin to  bit of shamanism – it is symbolic to take the words that guide us and release them as smoke and ash…a manifestation of what has guided and connected us is released to the cosmos.
More importantly to Mike is that it serves as a declaration.  We are saying we no longer need these words as lessons  We do not need to cling to feelings or conclusions expressed in the document.  We are proclaiming we have learned these lessons.  We are free to take those relevant parts down whatever path feels better and works best for us, unconstrained by the specific words in a document that no longer exists.   By destroying the document we are prevented from becoming a slave to the words.  Instead, we are forced to incorporate their meaning into ourselves and into a given moment.

Yeah, pretty deep.  Not that Mike is never deep, but, it surprised me he put that much meaning into it.

I told him I had planned to use them as blogs, but he said no.  He even deleted the soft copies.  He wants nothing to remain.  He told me I could show what I learned by posting a summary, so that is what I am doing.   

Do I get spanked as part of some grading system?  There is no specific grade, but I have been spanked.  On my first paper,  there were some instructions I failed to follow and my style was too much like a blog (too much editorial) and not enough research.  But other than that first paper, we have simply just talked… and talked.  

That was also an unexpected, but a pleasant, surprise.  We have a significant amount of dialogue about them (and include Kayla in the discussions).  That makes this effort feel even more worthwhile.  We all benefit and the discussions are a great bonding time.   

After typing the two summaries below,  I don’t know that I would have posted the actual paper anyway.  I don’t want to add to the already over abundance of junk-science, skewed by either personal experiences or personal bias.  After all, I didn’t do any actual field research. . . no empirical data other than relying on works of others and my personal experiences.  And unfortunately, a lot of information from others was based on their personal experiences.  There just isn’t an extensive amount of real research at our finger tips.  I am sure it is out there, with the likes of Kinsey Institute, but nothing easily accessible online.

Plus, I feel it gets away from why I blog.  I don’t intend to position myself as an expert on anything, other than expert on Jenny!  And even then I discover I have more to learn!  Ha.   Anyway, I am happy to provide a summary on the ones I find more intriguing or surprising.   So, here you go!

It’s this simple – “All things in moderation.”

Paper 1: Long Term Health Effects of Impact in TTWD
Specifically, I focused on spanking and bondage.  In summary, “all things in moderation.”

Spanking/striking:  The “no duh” rule – Strike anywhere too hard, and injury will occur.  

  • The “fatter” the area, the better.  Be careful of areas with little fat.  Palms of hands and feet… hit too hard/a bit off target – lots of little bones that could get hurt. 
  • Avoid lower back/top of buttocks, abdomen and sides – areas not well protected by fat or bone – as you can risk organ damage.   
  • Butt is the best target.  Thighs are also good “fatty” areas to target but be attentive to aim (see next bullet).  Breasts are good too, but there is some evidence that repeated heavy impact could pose a cancer risk.  To reduce risk, some recommended no impact for those over 40 if family history of breast cancer.  One piece of “advice” (don’t know if it was fully backed up by research) was to allow bruises to fully heal before repeating – sounds reasonable. A target area I never considered – the base of the forearm.  
  • Striking the vagina can increase risk of infection, including UTI’s, if it is enough to break the skin or the implement is not clean.  There are also many more nerves close to the surface of the skin, so risk of nerve damage if hit too hard.  Striking a man’s testicles is never a good idea.  Lots of blood vessels and other “tubing” that can tear or rupture.  
  • Deviance & Desire has a great color chart regarding Impact Safety Zones.

Constriction:  The “no duh” rule:  Don’t constrict any area too tightly or for too long.

  • Risk of nerve damage to the constricted area.  Pink no problem, Darker Pink/Reddish, okay but not too long.  Purple = stop – you really shouldn’t even let it get that far, and extremely dark purple is venturing into nerve damage zone.
  • Constricting all the way around the chest should also be done carefully and for only short periods so as not to restrict breathing.
  • Make sure the person being tied or constricted can breathe and is not at risk for falling over, rolling off bed, etc.  If they are unable to speak (gag, etc), have some other way they can motion to communicate safe words.
  • Surgical scissors are must haves so you can quickly cut away at whatever is being used to constrict.  You can typically find them for about $15.

My Recommendations:  Longer, lighter strokes carry less risk than shorter, harder ones, and risk is the smallest when done on the buttocks.   The lower forearm is interesting – it apparently can sting similar to a palm strike but carry less risk – let’s try it! Binding or constricting requires heightened attention and strict adherence to common sense – No area for too long / too tightly. 

Paper 2:  Pee
Specifically, I focused on drinking.   In summary, “all things in moderation.”

Disregard anything you read about positive health effects.  Urine is mostly water and it is WASTE.  As in, it contains the stuff your body says you have plenty of:  various vitamins, minerals, uric acid, you name it.  Re-ingesting your own pee simply gives your body what it already said it didn’t need.  While it typically won’t hurt you, what’s healthy in that?

The risk is that your kidneys have to reprocess it.  Drinking excess amounts of your own pee for an extended period of time can stress your kidneys.  Technically, if you are going to drink pee, it is better to drink someone else’s.  Their waste may be something your body needs to absorb. . . but, I said “technically.”  The pee of others often has things of which we all ingest too much.

The psychology of it is intriguing and is what seems to attract those who partake.  It can be about the thoughts of ingesting something that once was in your partner, or simply the taboo of it all – accepting the “ick” factor of it all is an extremely humbling and submissive act.  (Some would say “humiliating,” and I’ve already shared my thoughts on humble vs humiliate).  

Taste will vary immensely, from practically tasteless (like water), to putrid.  Speaking from personal experience, it is typically very tolerable, which surprised me.  The more physically active the pee-er has been and/or the more water they have been drinking, the more tasteless their pee.  If they take a lot of vitamins and/or have been inactive, the body gets rid of excess vitamins/minerals via pee, causing a worse taste.  And the pee drinkers biggest enemy?  Asparagus and garlic eaters!

Asparagus contains mercaptan, also found in rotten eggs and garlic.  The byproduct produced by the stomach in processing the mercaptan is quite pungent – in smell and taste.  This byproduct makes it way into our pee.  And here’s a factoid – not everyone experiences this.  Our genetic make-up may be such that our body effectively breaks down and absorbs mercaptan without the byproduct, meaning it doesn’t end up in our pee.    

I don’t know yet how many summaries I’ll share.  Here are the topics of others:  Perspectives on HOH/Spankings from Different Cultures and Religions.  The Ins and Outs of Anal Sex.  Beyond the Kama Sutra (positions involving FF, FMF, MMF).  Sex Toy Review.  Penis Size. Oral Sex: Techniques and Health.  Polyamory.

There are still two more topics that Mike hasn’t given me yet.  He is open to ideas.  Anyone?

While these papers have been an interesting exercise, when it comes to anything to do with sex and kink, it comes down to this – we all disregard any evidence that doesn’t support our personal experiences and views and tend to remember only the evidence that supports our personal experiences and views.

Researching sex and kink can be a lot like what you get out of researching religion and politics – your conclusions tend to support what you already believe.  I am not knocking religion or politics, and of course am not knocking sex or kink.  It’s just human nature.  Despite my efforts to always be open to other ways of thinking and being, and despite my efforts to try and always challenge my own biases, those biases can be very hard for me to recognize.  Anyway, wouldn’t you just rather hear about my D/s?  Afterall, I did get a spanking on Friday after almost three weeks punishment free!

Next: 227. Naturism Rant

222. It’s only kinky the first time


Mike went through my emails, blog, and social media while I was on restriction.  He knows all my accounts/passwords.  While he occasionally peruses them (and often reads my blog), he never spent a lot of time looking into my online world – until last week.  And it was very beneficial. 

He spent hours going through my stuff.  He admitted he got immersed into several blogs and into chains of various emails and text.  He said it’s like watching a television show or reading a novel and he wants to know what’s next.  He could see that I try to be helpful and it was clear to him people appreciate my insights.  He said it made him better understand the gratification I get from it all and the addictive nature of it.  

Not that I am going to have more “me” time, but, it was nice for him to acknowledge that he didn’t see my social media interactions as foolish or a waste of time.  Of course, he didn’t see the hours I wasted on Candy Crush and Two Dots.  Ha.  But seriously, he was very supportive of me continuing my interactions, so long as they don’t interfere with things. 

Not all of my interactions are with “virtual” friends.  Part of my recent time management challenge was that I also increased my time and attention with my real world friends.  My focus on them began to escalate about two weeks ago, and I think this was the tipping point in being unable to manage my time wisely.

A couple of weeks ago I had a luncheon with my “gal pals.” (I almost didn’t get to attend per Post 211).   I told them some time ago that Mike and I “swap” with a couple.  While astonished, they weren’t offended or freaked out by it.  Hey, I still got invited to the next lunch!

At the time my revelation was against our rules (Post 132) but Mike and I are now more open about things.  Not a “shout it from the rooftops” openness, but, just not going out of our way to hide to it and honestly answering any questions.  Thus, I went into the luncheon with the mindset I was open to share whatever came up.  I expected questions in the wake of first telling Valerie I couldn’t attend because “Mike told me I couldn’t.”

Joining me at lunch was Jill, Shawna, Valerie, Barbara, and Gennie.  Yeah, pronounced “Jenny” but spelled differently.

Everyone is married (some on their second).  I knew Shawna in high school and Jill is her older sister.  Valerie is a former co-worker of mine and just a few years younger than me.  Barbara is a friend of Shawna’s while Gennie a friend of Valerie’s.  They both joined our circle a few years ago.  Gennie is the “youngster” of the group, in her early to mid-30’s.

Keep in mind us gals have talked about sex before.  No explicit details, lots of innuendo and just fun giggly girl talk!   Yes, we tend to act very immature when we all get together.  Thus, while my revelation to them about swapping was “out there,” they all reacted well.  Shocked, but not like, “how dare you” shocked.

Casual dress code – for me that typically meant tee-shirts and blue jeans, just a bit of makeup.  I might even wear a spaghetti strap top and give no mind to whether I showed none, a little, or a lot of cleavage.  I never gave thought to “looking nice” for our lunch.  I mean, I wasn’t a slob, but my appearance was not a focus.    

It didn’t take long for the conversation to turned towards me.   

“So Jenny, any hot foursomes lately?” Shawna has always been the direct one and loves to instigate controversial conversations.

“On occasion,”  I replied without hesitation or alarm. 

My response was greeted with some giggles, smiles, and at least one “oh brother” roll of the eyes (Jill has always been the more negative, judgmental one of the group).  But no one questioned me further. 

Several of the women complimented me on my appearance.  Yes I was rocking a dress from my new wardrobe.  Most of my dresses are jewel neck (no cleavage), elbow length in the arms, mid-calf length on the legs.  I also had on more makeup than usual and my hair was more neatly styled.

“You’re all dressed up for us?” I was asked.  ” Gosh Jen, feeling modest today?” says another with a laugh.   “Have a date afterwards?” says one in a hopeful, excited manner.  Not to miss the opportunity for a jab, Jill added, “and is it with someone other than Mike?”

“Mike likes it when I make my outside appearance match what I am feeling inside.  Life is great, so why not look it on the outside and please Mike at the same time?”  I added, “And no, no date today with anyone but y’all.”  Yeah, I emphasized the word “today” for suggestive effect.  

That triggered Jill to ask in her typical “judgey” sort of way, “So, you can like date whomever you want and Mike is okay with it?”

Nonchalantly I answered, “No, it doesn’t work that way.  We just have a very small circle of friends that we have sex with.  And I leave it up to Mike to decide who is allowed in this circle.” 

And then Valerie said, “speaking of Mike, what was with him not allowing you to come, and then changing his mind.  Since when do you ask for his permission?”  And with that, the damn burst open.

Without going into exhausting dialogue, there was lots of questions and answers that led me to share many aspects of our D/s dynamic – questions similar to those my sisters have asked. (Post 200 and others).  

I confidently and calmly answer questions, never getting defensive.  I see it as an opportunity to explain how I found a level of fulfillment and joy that I never thought possible.  Behind the salacious aspects of discipline and sexual adventure, the core of my submission is about fulfillment and I kept the focus on that.   

At some point Shawna asked, “So are you bixsexual?”  She had this grin because she knew the answer.  But, I also knew that she has had her share of experiences — we’ve been friends since high school.  I knew she was asking it just to see what kind of reaction it would get from the other women.  But instead of being the one to provide the shock she was looking to give the group, in fun, I turned the tables.    

“Yes, aren’t you?”  I said playfully.  She answered no, to which I followed in a very leading way, “Come on, never?  That’s not what I heard.  Not even experimented?

She tried to deflect, “Hey, we are talking about you!”

Knowing I “got” her, I triumphantly replied, “I think you all have heard enough about me.  Let’s talk about Shawna’s experience with being with another woman.  Do tell.”

Long story short, Shawna proceeded to admit to her college experiences (yes, as in plural).  Instead of crossing a line in acceptable behavior, her answer broke the barrier I had weakened and suddenly everyone wanted to share.

Valerie, the more reserved one the bunch, fessed up she had multiple experiences, first in high school, another in college, and one she had in her mid-20’s.  Thus all eyes turned towards the three who hadn’t spoke of any experiences.  “No, not me,” said Barbara and Gennie.  “Not me,” said Jill, who surprisingly added, “but I did once take a shower with another woman and we played with each other’s boobs, but that was it.”   Of course, we had to ask for details, which she provided.  Ah, summer camp!

It led to more intimate questions and answers about threesomes and sex toys.  Valerie admitted one of her experiences with another woman was part of a threesome with her then boyfriend.  And Jill, who I think gained confidence in being forthcoming via her “playing with boobs” story,  then gave the group a shocker that I believe was bigger than anything I had shared.  I mean, the group already knew I was “different.”  Jill is a bit of a curmudgeon and typically not very forthcoming with personal details.

In a shocker, Jill then adds, “Well I had one with two guys.”  Turned out her first threesome was with her current husband and a friend of his, before they got married.  Basically, it involved a lot of alcohol and  they swore to each other to never bring it up again.  Then she added, “Okay, make that twice.  We did it one more time with the same guy before resolving to not do it again.”    

And as for sex toys, all but Valerie said they owned at least one.  Gennie shared they had a couple of toys, both his and hers, including blindfold and cuffs.  And while she didn’t share the details, Shawna said she had a “small arsenal” of toys.  As no one asked me for specifics, I didn’t provide details of my stockpile.

The conversations turned to more mundane things, what each other’s kids were doing, summer vacation plans, and what not.  Even so, I am sure anyone in the restaurant within earshot had a great story to tell their friends about the sexual exploits of this table of women they sat next to.

There were follow up one-on-one conversations, emails, texts, and  Valerie even came over to my house to talk.  She is “somewhat” submissive by nature with her husband and the thought of some of the formal elements of D/s intrigues her.

By the way,  I have to get Mike’s permission to have a guest, and he decides about my attire, or lack thereof.   In this case, he said since Valerie already knew so much, there was no reason for me to be clothed.  I forewarned her, and she said, “Fine, I get to see you in your natural habitat.”

While Valerie was the most inquisitive following the lunch, I did hear from some of the others.  It ranged from uneventful advice on a sex toy, to potentially life changing advice on how to approach their husband with the idea of a threesome.  I have sort of become the de facto sex therapist for the group!

I love it!  It fed my need to help people solve their issues.  The absence of rejection from anyone in the group emboldens me even further.  I am energized and excited about sharing my insights, even more so than I always am.  However – I let that energy and excitement morph into compulsion, leading me to improperly manage my time – thus the punishment.

I am still going to keep talking with them, and my “internet” friends as well.  Just doing so once I have met my household duties and obligations.  It fells so good to be more out in the open about my submission.  It felt even better to see how my revelation led my friends to open up about some kink in their lives.

I told them, “it’s only kinky the first time.”  After that, it is just routine!

This is why everyone else’s kink is weird and gross and indicates something is wrong with them, while your own kink is totally healthy and normal.

Next: 223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

216. In Search of Spanking


I am surprised someone hasn’t made a coffee table book from internet search terms.    (I did find this, and while interesting, isn’t what I had in mind.   While I don’t have access to any search term repository, I do have access to what WordPress provides me on the search terms used to lead someone to my blog.  

I thought I’d share some of the humorous ones. 

Whistling butt plug. 
I envision this kink includes requests, such as, “Can you play Freebird?  No, how about Yankee Doodle Dandee?”

Punish wife’s tits and breasts
Oh no, not both the tits AND breasts. 

Desperate bladder punishment
Bladder punishment isn’t enough, it must be DESPERATE.  And how exactly do you punish the bladder?  I get it, it’s about holding in pee, but still, they chose to search that term instead of say, holding your pee?

Punishment wife doggy spank
Call PETA!  Don’t spank your dog to punish your wife.  Or is it about using the dog as a spanking implement?  Either way, that’s animal cruelty.  

Naked girl hanging by nipple clamps
Well, isn’t that special?  I wonder if this person was disappointed.  I went ahead and searched it and yeah, plenty of nipple clamp pictures, even some intense tugging…but did this person really expect to find girls hanging by them?

 Jennystyle anal 
Hummmmm, there were several others that included my name.  I assume a coincidence – but it made me wonder, do people fetishize names?  Like, it gets you off even more to imagine the person has a particular name?   Anyway, in case you wonder about my anal style – it’s penis’, small plugs/toys, and occasional enema. TMI?     

Spanking helps need for attention
If this was kink related, the search only yields parenting advice on not spanking kids.  And I can think of a lot of other, less painful ways, to get my husband’s attention.  

How to give very hard spankings
Um, I may be going out on a limb here, because it’s complicated, but maybe, just maybe, try striking harder? 

Christian domestic discipline fiction
Existential crisis?   

“Writing lines” spanked discipline
…um, writing line in quotes, as if it is code for something else?

How to punish my submissive wife’s breasts
There we go.  Very to the point.  Nice search term.  And my blog is the first two results on Google!  Oh my!

Shaving party porn
Who would have thunk it? I actually did apost on this!!   I didn’t know it was a “thing.”

bra discipline
I scold my bras all the time.

And it appears some of these searches aren’t from spankos, but perhaps women seeking DD or husbands dealing with a wife who wants DD?   Here are some of those:

Vanilla wife wants discipline
Guess what bud? She ain’t vanilla no more!

Will husband spanking me help marriage
Maybe not marriage as in institution, but as for your specific marriage, yes of course!  Hee hee.  

Here are several that were straightforward, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that it appears some women at least entertain the thought of submission or DD: 
Can spanking make me better wife, accepting discipline from husband, how to be more submissive, can domestic discipline save my marriage, can spanking feel good, can I be submissive and feminist

Happy searching and happy kink!

NEXT: 217. Domestic Discipline 1, Self Discipline 0

196. This, That, and Some Other Stuff

Things are getting somewhat back into a normal routine.  It won’t last because as Christmas approaches, our middle son, T2, will be home for the holidays.  That will put a kink in our kink!

THIS  —   A COMING OUT (sort of)
Mike and I did share a bit of our lifestyle with our kids and, when appropriate, with anyone else we mingled with over the Thanksgiving.  It was high level information.  Basically that I decided to defer more to their dad, allow him to be more of the decider of things, and stuff like that.  Nothing negative about it.  Growing up they were accustomed to me being more of the domineering one, so it isn’t like there is any kink attached to who the primarily leader or follower is in a marriage.  It just so happens there is a lot of kink attached to ours, but, we left that part out – Ha!

The change was surprising to them, but they were fine with it.  They didn’t even ask too many questions of me.  Basically I just said this is how I choose to be, and they were like, “Okay, Mom.”  

We also told them that Kayla has decided to follow my lead and also look to Mike for guidance and she too is extending the same “respect” to Mike that I do – such as addressing him as “Sir.”  My middle one who is always quick to share what’s on his mind said, “Is it just her respect that she is extending to Dad?”   To which I calmly replied, “I am not sure what you mean, but whatever she extends or doesn’t extend is between your dad, me, and Kayla.”  I think they all understood that there was more going on, but for once my inquisitive son got the hint and decided not to inquire further.   I think part of it is that they just don’t want to know.  Regardless how old you get, you never think of your parents as having any sex life, especially an adventurous one.  

I mentioned in my last post that the two of them have had sex.  So far their relationship seems to be going well.  I am not sure what to make of Michaud’s acceptance of her relationship with us.  I mean, it’s great he accepts it.  I would much rather he accept it than not.  But a part of me wonders what type of person would accept it?   It has to be tough to know you have a girlfriend who won’t open up and share certain parts of herself  with you.  And not only exclude you from certain parts of herself, but at the same time is including someone else in those parts.   In many ways he is sharing Kayla with us, especially with Mike.  That has to be hard. 

I wonder if it is hard on Kayla too?  She says she is happy with how things have progressed thus far.  She sees her relationship with us as very distinct and separate from Michaud.  She does not defer to Michaud any more or less than he defers to her.  It is a very “normal” relationship, as she puts it, where neither one of them is dominant.  That’s how she wants it.   She says there is the “submissive” Kayla and the “non-submissive” Kayla and she loves both of them.

I did ask her what she would do if she had to make a choice.  She said she doesn’t want to have to do that, but right now, her needs for submission trump her other needs.  But she admits that could change over time.  She just hopes that any changes can go smoothly without anyone being hurt.   We continue to be very supportive of her and made it clear she is not obligated to stay with us.  Of course we want her to stay, but we understand there could come a day where she feels it is best to move on, whether in whole or in part.

Michaud passed a big test in Kayla’s eyes (and mine too) when she was naked in front of him and she had a bruised bottom.  It wasn’t a huge bruise, but a bruise none-the-less.  Kayla said she didn’t try to hide it and told him to go ahead and take a close look at it.  She shared with him how she felt about it (which were all positive feelings) and used the opportunity to again share with him what being submissive means to her.  She said it was a good conversation and Michaud asked a lot of questions, never getting upset or animated by her answers.  She even told him there may be times she has bruises elsewhere, such as on her breasts or thighs.  She doesn’t get bruises often, but she wanted him to be prepared and deal with his concerns now versus later. 

After they talked she ended it with asking him how he was feeling about being with her.  He told her he loved her and while she is a bit “out there” when it comes to what she needs in life, he is happy that he can fulfill and experience whatever part she is looking to share.  He did say that it all does make him feel a bit awkward and insecure at times, but he is trying.  And with that Kayla told him how much she loves him and hates that a part of her makes him feel that way.  She told him she loves him for allowing her to get fulfillment in whatever way she desires it, even if that means it was with someone else.

He did ask the inevitable question of, “Will it always be like this?”  To which she said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know what ‘always’ even looks like.  I just know what I need from life right now.  And I need my submissive life with Mike and Jen, and I need you and I am so happy you allow me to have both.  If we reach a point you aren’t happy with me having both, or I am not happy with both, then we owe it to each other to talk about it, but until then, let’s keep enjoying this.”   And from all appearances, they are. 

Kayla shared with Mike and I that her relationship with Michaud is unlike any she has ever had.  Not because of Michaud, although that is a big part of it, but because of her.  She really is a different person than she was in any previous relationship.   She said she is more open and honest with what is on her mind, what she is feeling, what she is needing.  She has never articulated it so clearly and so frequently than she has with Michaud.  She says it feels liberating.   No hidden agenda, no unsaid concerns or unresolved emotions.   She’s just 100% “out there” with him and it feels amazing that he accepts it.

She only hopes Michaud is doing the same on being open and honest.  It sounds like he is not shy to share whatever doubts or needs for information that he has.  How he is reconciling her answers may not be clear, but I think it is a good sign that he isn’t shying away from asking questions 

With the passing of Mike’s mom and Thanksgiving, I went two weeks without a spanking.  This time it wasn’t the spanking I missed as much as my overall routine.  But I also missed the sensations.

One night when Mike and I were having sex I asked him to squeeze my nipples really hard, harder, harder.  I then asked for nipple clamps.  Mike obliged both with the nipple suckers first, then the clamps.   It felt so good to “feel the burn.”   

Mike will sometimes slap my breasts when we have sex, but that too needed to be harder this time.  I asked him to slap them harder, and harder still.  It was much like the intensity of a punishment. 

This was different for us in a way, but not really.  Our sex play can get pretty physical.  This was just more than our usual physicality.  I’ve shared before that I don’t mix discipline with sex.  This wasn’t discipline.  It was more about mixing a little pain with the sex, not about mixing sex with the pain.  There is a difference.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it is self-explanatory?  Anyway, it felt good.  I needed that sensation.  I needed that dominance from Mike.  I needed that submission.   

NEXT:  197. Do ya wanna have sex?

158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline


I feel I am a bit of an expert on DD, but I also know my expertise is limited to what it means for me to be submissive.  Yes, I have some insights into Kayla and Donna, but their journeys are their own, and Kayla’s is still rapidly evolving.   So, yes, I know I am no expert, but, I have learned a lot in a short amount of time.  

I enjoy reading “newbie” blogs – those who are new to DD or D/s or in exploring kink in general.  I feel compelled to impart some wisdom, perhaps to save them from struggling, feeling anguished, or giving up too soon.  However, those struggles and feelings may be necessary for growth.  Sometimes you can’t explain something away for someone — they  just have to experience it in order to truly reconcile it.   With that, what am I going to do?  Well, I am going to give my advice anyway.  

Advice #1 – Take all advice with a grain of salt.  If it resonates with you, great, but if not, then just dismiss it and move on.  Your journey will be unique, because D/s or kink in general is such a diverse thing.  You may find one thing in common with another D/s relationship, but 100 things that are different.  So seek information, lots of it, but don’t try to force what you read or hear into your situation.   

Advice #2 – Recognize that being submissive is not playing or acting submissive.  It is a real mindset.  It is who you are.  Of course, unless it is not who you are and you just want to put on the submissive role when it suits you.  That’s fine too.  See, I told you, take all advice with a grain of salt.  No one will kick you out of the kink club for just using it as an occasional escape and release. 

But — and this is Advice #3, — if it is more than just play acting, then it is important to have a Dom who understands how to feed and nurture your submissive mindset.  This can be extremely difficult.  You don’t need a good Dom, you need the right Dom.  If your Dom is a newbie too, you are on the right path if your Dom is open to learning some Dom basics, and open to feeding and nurturing your mindset.

Although an infraction in the D/s rule book, I, a submissive, am going to give some advice to Doms.  Hey, they aren’t my Dom!  If this offends you, then just consider it my advice to submissives regarding what they should look for in a Dom.   Better?  

Advice #1:  For me the biggest thing for a Dom to learn and understand is that consistency is absolutely required.  Whatever the rules are, they need to be consistently applied.  A good submissive wants to please their Dom.  The submissive spends a lot of energy on concentrating on the rules.  The submissive makes every effort to excel at their tasks and do an excellent job everyday.  It really sucks when a Dom is nonchalant about a rule that a sub is heavily invested in and trying hard to focus on.

Advice #2:   Or perhaps it is 1a.  Whatever.   Make sure the rules you have are actually important and have meaning to the submissive.  Of course, the caveat to that is you may have a sub who enjoys random rules that only serve the purpose of displaying the control you have over them.  If that’s the case, fine.  Again, grain of salt.

But for me, especially early on, it was extremely important that every rule had a special meaning to me, the submissive.  Every rule was tied to addressing a behavior that I wanted to adopt, change, improve, or eliminate.   It wasn’t until later that one of the behaviors I wanted to adopt was serving Mike in the manner he wanted to be served, independent of whether it addressed a behavior I wanted to address.  I guess the better way to put that is that the behavior I wanted to address was behaving more submissively to Mike’s will.  But I had to evolve to that.  My DD would not have lasted long if Mike had imposed the things in the beginning that he imposes now.  I would have dropped DD in a heartbeat.

And if my DD never evolved past the more selfish form that was all about me and my needs, that’s okay, as long as it continued to satisfy both me and Mike.   So again, no right or wrong way to kink, as long as you are getting the satisfaction you seek. 

Make sure both of you recognize the effort and performance of the other.  

  • For the Dom, it means giving praise.  
  • For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

When a Dom praises the sub it helps reinforce the importance of the task.  It shows it is important to the Dom, thus is becomes even more important to the sub.  It shows it has meaning to the Dom, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the sub.  Thus, it feeds the submissive nature of the sub.

When a sub thanks the Dom, it helps reinforce consistency in applying the rules.  This can be especially important for a new Dom who doesn’t want to come across as a hard ass or mean-spirited.  The Dom needs to know the sub appreciates the discipline that was administered, as it shows the discipline had meaning to the sub, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the Dom. Thus, it feeds the dominant nature of the Dom.

This giving praise/giving thanks is always important, but even more so early on when both people are new to their roles, still finding themselves, and trying to understand the needs of the other.  Giving praise/giving thanks help address the insecurities and even embarrassment that both Dom and sub are likely to have when first starting out.  Being successful with your kink requires you to be vulnerable.  Praise and thanks go a long way to build confidence to be vulnerable to your partner(s).  

That’s it.  Those are my top tips!   Happy kink!

NEXT: 159. Follow the Leader

150. Entering the Forbidden Zone


Welcome to my 150th post!

Immersion 2017 is here. . . starting tomorrow to be exact.  (See prior posts re Post 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0).

J is heading to my parents for a week leaving us child-free and carefree, with one hitch.  Our middle son T2 called to say he would be coming home for a few weeks.  He is away at college and will take some summer courses but has a gap with some free time so he decided to spend it at home.  How inconsiderate!  Doesn’t he know we need to get our kink on! 

The good news is we still have several days at home that will be kid free, and the better news is that Mike was able to quickly find us a getaway for the other days.  He rented a cabin in the Texas hill country.  It is on something like 15 or 20 acres so is secluded enough that we will be far from prying eyes.  I am very excited about this as it is really our first “vacation” with just the three of us.  The secluded nature of it presents new possibilities for kink exploring.

I am going into this “immersion” invigorated and excited.  Mike’s handling of what I shared on Post 148. Dom/sub Therapy Session really got me out of my self pity-spiral. Intuitively I always knew that it was detrimental to hold myself to some elusive ideal of the perfect submissive – submissive in all thought and action.   I never intended to strive for perfection.  I just wanted and still want to be “more” submissive.  But my inability to achieve progress that was satisfactory to me turned it into a burden that sent me down emotionally.  I already feel that burdened has lifted.  

Always the cunning linguist, Mike made it clear that from now on my progress as a submissive is at his “pleasure and measure” and he is extremely happy with my submission.  It would have been very un-submissive of me to not accept his “pleasure and measure” proclamation.  By accepting what he was saying, not only did it mean I was thinking submissively, but by giving up my unrealistic ideal and subjecting myself only to Mike’s ideal, it meant all the burden was lifted.  Voila!  My pity party was immediately over!  Mike’s a genius!

I do seek to think more submissively, but I have no arbitrary timeline in my mind or set definition of what that actually means.  I simply continue to be more submissive to the degree it suits Mike.  Odd, but giving up such control should be scary – for instance, what if Mike was more demanding of me than I was to myself?  It seems like that my desire to please him would create more pressure than the desire to please myself.  But, it was just the opposite for me.  I don’t know why that is.  I guess I trust Mike so much and perhaps know that my expectations of myself can often be unrealistic, but Mike’s expectations of me never are.  It’s odd, but in order to achieve the level of submission I want for myself, I had to stop wanting it for myself and instead want it for Mike.

On top of this much improved emotional state is the fact I have been looking forward to our Immersion for some time.  Last year was intense, and I was so glad when it was over, but I look forward to doing it again.  I like that we have set aside some time to throw out our routine and experiment with some crazier kink.   It’s like going into the laboratory and just mixing up stuff to see what you get.  We have given ourselves permission to try things we wouldn’t normally want to try, explore new sensations and experiences, all for the sake of experiment.   It helps us all identify and separate what is pleasurable versus tolerable, or what is tolerable versus what is intolerable.  

Mike thought it would be good if we had a slogan for our Immersion each year.  Sort of way to “market” to ourselves a particular theme or idea.  We threw around some ideas and Mike picked one of mine as our slogan — Entering the Forbidden Zone!  

Here’s a preview:   

Day 1 is my “puppy” day where basically I am treated like a dog.  Eat (human food) and drink water from bowls, sleep on the floor, and use a litter box.  Okay, that last one would make me a cat, not a dog, but just go with it.   Mike engineered a human sized litter box.  And yes, it is for both peeing and pooping.  The added twist is that Kayla will address hygiene issues for “cleaning the dog.”   Ugh, similar to last years “activities of daily living.”   I’ll be bathed and groomed.  Mike had me not shave my legs, pits, or pubes for the last week or so.  Mike and Kayla will “groom” me.   I also can not speak and must get around on all fours and stay off furniture.   It also comes complete with leash and collar.

The odd thing is that none of us have a Pet Play fetish.  It reinforces an owner/owned dependency and Mike just thought it would be entertaining for all and challenging for me.  Not something I would have chosen, but I am game!

On Day 2 my pet play is over and it is Kayla’s turn.  She will be diapered and treated like a baby.  She too can only crawl, and has to be helped with bathing, dressing, and eating.  She can not use the toilet because, well, she’s a baby!  That’s what the diapers are for.  She also can’t talk – just whine or cry when she needs something.   This experiment comes complete with pacifier, bottle feedings, and a make-shift high chair.

No, Shibari Sensation is not the stage name for a Japanese stripper, but you have to admit, it would be a good one.  Anyway, Mike said Day 3 will be focused on experiencing as many different sensations as possible.  He said, “It will involve some ice, some food, the wand, lots of clothes pins, some bengay, and a surprise.”  He also has purchased some more rope for bondage play and has “some hogties and various other tied up positions” he wants to try.  And he added, “and of course, this includes spanking and flogging and more!”   Oh my!

Country Time
Once at our secluded get-away, Mike said to expect a lot of nakedness, both inside the cabin and out.  The way he put it was, “Expect a lot of open air high-jinks.”   I hope this comes complete with plenty of mosquito repellent!

Mike also said there would be other things in store for us that we would learn about when the time comes.   Oh that creative man! 

NEXT: Post 151. Immersion 2017 Forbidden Zone

138. Party time! The naked bench.


I wrote before about Mike and I attending some FetLife functions. One was a public meet and greet at a restaurant and one was a private party at a private club.   We enjoyed our time at both functions but ultimately decided not to continue to attend such functions or socialize with those that we met.   We met some nice people and it was great to be so open about our relationship.

Our disinterest in continuing to go to such events was simply that we felt “our cup runneth’ over.”  Both our social dance card and our sexual and kinky appetites were full. Both Mike and I agreed that if the right opportunity arose we would be open to going to a function.  That opportunity has arrived.

John and Donna have become active in FetLife and attended many functions.  They can thank Mike and I for opening up to this.  Before we “came out” to them, they were very private in TTWD, despite a desire to be more open.  Well, we’ve opened them up, as they have opened us.  They don’t swing, but they enjoy putting their relationship on display. They also enjoy the company of other like-minded kinksters. 

 John and Donna decided they want to host their own private party at their house with a somewhat small circle of kinkster friends that they have met.   Of course, Mike and I are invited, and Kayla too.   It’s something like three or four other couples, so with the three of us and John and Donna, something like 14 to 17 people.

When Mike told me and Kayla about the party, he told us that we would be helping John and Donna host it and as hosts, were responsible for some of the entertainment.  He told Kayla that she was going to be a “centerpiece” of sorts to great the guests. They plan to place a bench near the entry way just inside the house.   Kayla is to be tied to it, fully nude and blindfolded. Her arms and legs will be tied such that she is spread out and very exposed.  At some point after everyone has arrived Mike will untie her and walk her to the living room and Kayla and I will both masturbate for the crowd.  Kayla will leave her blindfold on the entire time.

Mike said there may be more “entertaining” that will be required of the two of us, as will be required of Donna as well.  He told us there would not be sexual penetration with strangers, but there could be certain other sexual acts and we are subject to whatever he feels would entertain the guests.  This is all within the bounds of our DD contract as well as within Kayla’s. 

Mike asked Kayla what she was feeling and why, and if she had any concerns or questions.  She simply replied, “I am both excited and nervous, Sir.  I am excited because you are asking this of me and I love to please and serve you.  I am nervous, maybe a bit scared,  cuz’ I’ve never done such things in front of strangers.  While I am open with you two, I am still self-conscious about my body.  But other than that, I don’t have any concerns or questions as I trust whatever you come up with will be safe while still pushing my boundaries.  Thank you for this opportunity, Sir.”    

Mike then asked me the same question.  I was less accepting, but my concerns were on behalf of Kayla and not for me.  I’ve written before that I am a closet exhibitionist (Post 20.  Putting on a Show) and love the idea of sexually performing for others.  But, I am concerned about how these strangers might treat Kayla.  I can imagine the party will be sexually charged and her is this young woman on display for their amusement.  I decided not to cast any doubts or concerns in front of Kayla, so I simply replied that I too trusted in his judgment and that it sounded like fun — but, I did give Mike this certain “stare” that I have that he recognizes.  It is the I-have-more-to-say,-but-let’s-talk-later-stare.    

Sure enough, Mike interpreted that stare (that’s what 25+years of marriage does for a couple).  When Kayla wasn’t present he asked me what was on my mind regarding the party.  I asked him if it would be okay to make sure that one of us would always kept within eyesight of Kayla at all times, especially when she was on the bench.  My concern is people getting carried away and touching or doing something inappropriate.  We don’t really know these people.

Mike agreed and added that everyone who is coming is coming with a partner, so if they need a sexual release, they should be with a partner willing to help with that.  However, it would be prudent to make sure one of us was was always with her or at least within eyesight of her at all times.    

What to wear, what to wear!   Oh, Mike took care of that.  How thoughtful!   A nice new dress?  Nope.  Our my birthday suit will suffice!   Oh, and another funny little factoid – John and Donna thought ahead and scheduled this so that Kayla would not be on her period.  How thoughtful!  Ha!   Just one of the logistics of having a nubile sub at your service.   Party in two weeks. 

P.S. Got my first Thursday maintenance caning.  I’d say, “Oh, how I despise the cane,” but the fact is, it is simply my least favorite spanking implement.  I love getting spanked too much to despise any implement, but the cane is testing that sentiment.

NEXT:  139. A very Adults-only Party!