Tag Archives: kink

346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

346

Since I haven’t been posting regularly I plan on continuing doing an update on the people in my life.  I’ve posted about Mike and Kayla, and will share a family-friendly update about my kids, and then our friends within our “Circle of Trust,” and maybe my lunch bunch friends as well.  But before I do, I figured I should cover our 2020 Immersion. 

2020 P.C.?
There is a new way to mark time.  “PC” as in “Pre-Corona.”  (and conversely, AC for “After Corona).  Immersion was right on the cusp of Corona.  In hindsight, much closer than we imagined and we are fortunate we didn’t cause our own outbreak.  Immersion ran from March 6 – March 12, which in Corona time seems like years ago. 

I also want to mention that I put off writing about it because the idea of talking about overindulgent sexual gratification may be insensitive during these trying times.  However, I also feel it may be just the mental break we all need.  Dive into your fantasies and pick some to actually live out with a partner.   One positive of troubling times is that it underscores that that is no time like the present.

IMMERSION?
Our “Immersion” tradition began in 2016 as an idea we came up with to explore and experiment beyond our normal TTWD.   Setting aside specific “exploratory” time to fully immerse ourselves into all things kink is a great way to open your mind to new things.  There’s a psychological benefit to knowing that it is likely temporary and part of an experiment of sorts.   It allows us a greater psychological freedom to really explore our kinks.    

  • Our first immersion was about exploring a Total Power Exchange dynamic where I gave Mike ultimate control over everything.   Keep in mind up to that point we had been practicing a “DD for me” that was about discipline and rules that were on my terms, not Mike’s.
  • Our 2017 Immersion was dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” and was our first immersion with Kayla.   John and Donna even joined in part of it.   We explored all sorts of dynamics from Pet Play, Shibari, DD/lg.
  • For 2018 the theme was “Got Milk?”  Yep, exploring lactation fetish, among other things.   John and Donna also joined us and while we did explore other things, the notable “event’ was the lactation.
  • And last year, it was a group event with the main theme of Con/NonCon.  We jokingly refer to it as Con-NonCon-Con as in Consensual Nonconsent Convention.   The consensus is that this was our least favorite Immersion. No regrets, as Immersion is about new experiences and finding what turns you on or off.   The best part of it was the deepening of friendships within our Circle of Trust.  It had a total of 15 participants, although we weren’t all together at the same time.  

This year?  The theme was SwapFest!.  The idea was to take expand on the best of 2019’s Immersion and use it as an opportunity to better forge individual and collective relationships within our “Circle of Trust.”  We’ve become a very unique group of friends!

CIRCLE OF TRUST (COT)
If you’re new here, our COT is what we call our close group of friends with whom we kink.  This kink can involve swapping partners or various other sexually or kinky oriented play.   The official COT for us includes John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.  Auxiliary members include Valerie and Raul, with ad-hoc membership from Mister and Nurse Ann.   A cornucopia of debauchery!

IMMERSION 2020 PC: SWAPFEST
Not sure who exactly came up with the idea.  It was a collective idea that emerged from the guys.   It would include the three of us, of course, along with John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.

There was planning involved such that people took time off from work and TJ and Kim arranged for childcare.  TJ and Kim arranged to have all three of their kids visiting or vacationing elsewhere.  

The idea was simple, we would rotate through a mix of “couplings.”  These would be groups of two or three people who would spend the day and night together.  The idea of these swaps would be to get to know each other better and use that time to not only explore new activities but to learn more about each other.  I hope this image displays properly.  It shows how people were paired with each other:

Group

You read it like this – Day 1, Jill and Chelsea spent the day and night with Jaime, while Donna spent it with Mike, I spent it with TJ, Kayla with Matt, and Kim with John.  The women spent the day at the house/apartment of the respective man.  The rules were we (woman) would serve and submit to that man.   As always, limits and safe words were respected.

This was a big deal on many levels.  Not every couple considers themselves swingers.  They may have done some swap/soft swap here and there, but not as a lifestyle.  Not that we were intending for this to start such a lifestyle — it was meant as exploration and play.  But still, it was a big deal for many involved, especially Jaime and Chelsea.  But everyone was excited about it.  

Day 1 started at 10 a.m. when the women went to the homes of “their man.”  It didn’t end until 10 a.m. the next day when the women would go to their “next man.” 

It allowed us to get to know each other in a more meaningful way.  I learned more about certain kinks that some people have.  For instance, TJ surprised me the most in that he liked to be on the receiving end of certain humiliation play and punishments.  I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised since I knew he liked being pegged, I just didn’t realize what else he was into in that regard.  

Being one-on-one with Jaime was also interesting.  He’s shy and quiet but once he got comfortable he let loose in ways that surprised me.   I could share details, but I think I’ll leave some things to your imagination.   It would take too long to give you a blow-by-blow (both literally and figuratively, hee-hee) of each of my pairings.

The threesomes were also interesting.  I drew one, with Chelsea and TJ.  I was glad I got to be with Chelsea on that one as she didn’t really know what to make of TJ and I was able to help her and keep her feeling safe and secure.   TJ is a freak – and I say that in a non-judgmental affectionate way.  I can enjoy a freak.  I can handle a freak.  Chelsea, well, she was a bit perplexed and unsure at times.   We got through it.  

In addition to my own fun,  Mike and Kayla loved the experience as well.  We all swapped lots of interesting and sometimes funny stories!

We had planned a Day 6 gathering of everyone and canceled it due to the oncoming Corona and the expected early return of Kim and TJ’s kids.   Oh, the things we have had to give up due to this pandemic!   

FILL IN THE ‘IN
Sorry that I was light on the explicit details.  Just know there was a lot of f’in and suckin’ and whippin’ and lickin’ and pokin’ and prodin’ and all sorts of in’in and out’in.   May your imagination run wild!  

Let’s hope life A.C. is as fun and kinky as life P.C.!

NEXT: 347. Update on the Fam

 

341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking, . . . and Blanket Forts!

covid

I feel a bit like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  Of course, my fiddling involves my clit! LOL.

Seriously though, with all that’s going on it seems rather self-indulgent to talk about my sexploits.  We had our annual Immersion the week of March 8.  The theme of Immersion 2020 was “Swapfest.”  Think of it as the complete opposite of  “social distancing.”  At least our “fluid exchange” was limited to just a small group of friends who all were, and are, reporting that they are completely healthy.   In hindsight, it was dumb of us to have done that, but March 8, was a different world than March 23.

I had a TTWD-related post ready to go,  but before I post that one I felt compelled to throw in my Covid-19 commentary.   So let’s put aside the kink and get serious for a moment and remind ourselves of some things we may easily forget in these times —

ANXIETY
People
who deal with anxiety, depression, cognitive impairments, or mental illness may be more severely impacted by the added stress and worry.
Even if you or a family member doesn’t have any of those issues, anxiety levels are higher for all of us, even the otherwise “normally” functioning people.  (Hey, who just said, “Jen, sorry to tell you, but YOU are NOT “normally functioning!”  I heard that.  Come on, admit it.  It was you!).

CHILDREN
Children process information differently and can be more stressed than adults, which in turn can cause added stress for the parents.   Creating a routine can reduce stress, so find a way to structure their days at home and give them something fun and exciting to look forward to.  A family game night, or movie night (pretty much endless movies available on streaming services).

Your family may be distancing from society, but don’t isolate from each other within a household.  Find things to do collectively.  

Use it as an opportunity to teach kids how to prepare a meal (or if that doesn’t excite them, make a cake or cookies).  There are all sorts of things you can do to try and keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.   Go through old photo albums or your high school yearbook with them.  Walk around the block together, google arts and crafts – it’s amazing what you can do with a toilet paper roll and some glue.  Build an awesome blanket fort with them, google how to make cool paper airplanes…. there’s a lot of fun things you can do to keep kids entertained beyond video games.    And finding things you can do with them will allows you an opportunity to do this thing with them called “talking” which is the very best activity you can do with them right now.   

Even if there aren’t kids at home, it might be fun to do some of these things with a spouse or an older child.  Who doesn’t love a cool blanket fort?  

CERTAINTY AND CONTROL
Everyone deals with uncertainty by trying to add a level of certainty and control to whatever they can
.   For some it may be subtle and positive – organize that closet, garage, or room that is in disarray, or simply re-arrange the furniture in your house.  For others it may not be so subtle or positive – demand those around us behave and act a certain way, become controlling, demanding.   Or it may be more innocuous – buy all the toilet paper you can get your hands on.

Another constructive thing is to sit down and review your finances – make a budget for the first time – look and see where you money has been going.  Look into any insurance you may need, assuming you feel good about your income and ability to pay for it.   We are all living the unexpected, so some people may feel better about owning insurance that deals with other unexpected things in life.

All of these are things some people may do to try and feel a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.   It’s our way of coping and saying, “you may have disrupted a significant part of my life, but I’ll be damned if I have get reduced to using an old t-shirt to wipe my butt.”  That sounds like it is a joke, but it isn’t.  Really.  Buying certain essentials, like toilet paper, has a positive psychological benefit in times of uncertainty.

What have you done to get your mind of things and that gives you some semblance of order and control? Would love to see you share that in the comments.

DONATE
Donating can give us a positive emotional lift!  Social services will be stressed in many areas.   Donate to Meals on Wheels or some other local charity that will be challenged to provide more services.  If you prefer to help animals, most Zoo’s are ran as non-profits relying on attendance to stay afloat.  Close the zoo and their primary source of revenue stops. They need donations.

Even if it is just $10, it feels good and makes you feel like you are doing something more than just organizing a closet or buying toilet paper.  

Realize that most businesses are NOT multi-billion dollar corporations.  They often have enough cash on hand that if they close their doors they might be able to make payroll once, maybe twice if they are lucky.  Then – they are done.  And that small business that supplies services or materials to larger businesses — if the small business is gone, the larger business can’t get what they need.  I am no financial prognosticator, but 4 out of 5 submissive kinky housewife’s agree that we could see 20% unemployment in the U.S.   While the government works out stimulus and bail out options, WE can all choose empathy and compassion.  It’s free, but admittedly can be in short supply.

TALK!
Another free activity!  We don’t always know what the next person or family member is dealing with or how they are dealing with it, so be extra compassionate.    Don’t add the their dread.  Throwing a pity party will only bring both of you down.  Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can be very therapeutic.    Call friends, call family members, even those you haven’t connected with in a long time.  They may not want to talk, which is fine, but you might be surprised.  If they do talk, then just talk to them.    Just show empathy and compassion and try not to project your own worry and stress on them – because here’s a tip — they’ve got plenty already!

Don’t add to the uncertainty by saying, “I heard this happened,  I heard that is going to happen…”   Be in listen only mode.  Think of it as an  opportunity to be a calm and friendly voice.   These folks may have only talked to other concerned friends and relatives, or is getting all their news from Facecrook, er, Facebook.  You might be the only person they’ve talked to who hasn’t freaked out over the fact that, most certainly, the virus is a precursor to a bigger attack by alien demons who are controlled by the devil who has been set free because of gay marriage.

HELP MAY BE OUT THERE
People often aren’t aware of the social services that may be available in their area, so remind them they shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to local services if they or a family member needs help.   Almost every community has Meals on Wheels type programs for elderly.   There’s typically mental health crisis support and a host of other services, many of which can be accessed just by phone.  A google search is typically all it takes to find out what social services or charity services are available in a given city.   

There may be a wait lists and it’s not an end-all be-all solution, but it’s worth knowing and they can start looking into it if they are concerned about an elderly relatives access to food (or their own access).   Or, they may not have ever used Grub Hub or other food delivery service (if available in your area).   If you have, share with them how easy it was.  It can be expensive to eat that way all the time, but having occasional take-out at home can at least break up some monotony (assuming restaurants are open, and in some areas they are for take-out only).                  

So if you’ve already stocked up on toilet paper, it’s time to clean your closet. . . or build that blanket fort!  

Stay safe, and for now, suspend the kink, unless it is with someone you are isolating with.  (Hum…worldwide baby boom in December?)

Next: 342. Kayla Interview – Part I

338. Jen, just shut up already!

338
This is my last post. . . .

 

talking about my hiatus!  lol.  

Gotcha!

Of course, I am going to keep blogging!  I am too into me to stop!  There’s plenty of domestic discipline debauchery to dole out to you  – at a slower pace.  It’s just that I had an epiphany that helped me understand what I think was at the core of my lack of motivation to blog.  And that realization has actually helped increase my interest in blogging again.  

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD
In the past, I couldn’t wait to write about a blogworthy topic that popped in my head.  Now?  Meh.  In a prior post I shared reasons behind the multi-month respite and slower pace of blogging.  But recently I came to realize there was another reason, a more compelling and powerful reason than what I previously stated.

I’ve always been a bit of a loudmouth, quick to share my thoughts about any topic.  You’d think I would have been an awful guidance counselor, but I behaved differently in a clinical setting.  I was good with the open-ended questions to help people “find their truth” or reconcile some internal conflict.  But I’ve always been quick to share what’s on my mind outside of that setting.  There is a mantra of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   I love this saying, but I rarely followed it.

When we adopted Domestic Discipline almost 5 years ago, it was one of the things I wanted to improve about myself.  I knew reigning in my reflex to demand to be heard would help make me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, you name it.   My blog became one place where I didn’t have to reign that it.  I could go on a rant about anything at any time, such as An Esoteric Ramble, or a politically fueled, We Are Not Okay, But We Will Be.

It was my interactions on the site I mentioned in the last post, Sister’s in Submission,  that woke me up to the fact I once again was going down a path of seeking to be understood before understanding others.  I realized I was not only too quick to throw in my two cents on a topic, but my responses seemed to have the effect of shutting down dialogue, not continuing it.   Of course, I’d like to think it is because my responses were so thought out that they resonated with everyone’s “truth” thus there was simply nothing left for anyone to add.   That MUST be the reason.   Either that or it was because I was dominating the conversation, not furthering it.  Hum.  Maybe the latter?

And I noticed this old habit started appearing IRL.  With friends, family, coworkers, and yes, even with Mike.  (BTW, I’ll talk about my new job at some point. It’s part-time).

So I decided that while I would still chime in now and then, I would be less demonstrative and more suggestive in my online responses.   I also recommitted to myself to be a better listener with everyone I interacted with, whether it was online or IRL.

And I loved it!

I was getting something rewarding and fulfilling out of being  quieter – out of “seeking to understand before being understood.”   I was enjoying reading what other people had to say, being more inquisitive in my statements versus pushing my own conclusions.  It was nice hearing a different voice than my own.  And thus, the thought of “telling all” or ranting via my blog no longer motivated me. 

Also, I think there is some level of authority we all give to someone who goes on and on about a particular topic, in my case, Domestic Discipline.  And as I stated, I felt a bit intimidated with my million views and sex blogger ranking.   Like,  don’t listen to me.  I am no expert.  I do consider myself an expert on MY LIFE, but no one else’s.  I told myself, “Jen, just shut up already!”   So I did!

YAWN.  ENOUGH!  GIVE US SEXY TIME!
But now my “quiet period is over.  No need to “be quiet.”  Maybe quieter, but not quiet.  As I stated in a prior post, I needed to “get over myself.”    My obscure little blog is not intended to change the worldview on human sexuality, gender roles, marriage, or kink.  It’s simply a way for me to think through things while scratching my itch to be a bit of an exhibitionist (and for some of you more pervy folks, maybe masturbatory fodder).

With that – guess what?  We’ve been making plans for Immersion 2020 It’s become an “event” in our Circle of Trust where people have planned to take time off work – a bit of a sexual exploration vacation!  The guys are coordinating a “Swap-fest” of sorts where we will be spending some meaningful one-on-one time with other members of our group.  As in, spending the evening and night with someone other than your significant other(s).   I don’t know all the details and will happily share them when I do. 

AND — we are about a month away from our FIVE YEAR DD-VERSARY.  That’s right!  Five years of committing to a Domestic Discipline dynamic.    And there is still a lot I’d love to fill you in on regarding the last several months.    More blogging to come!

NEXT: 339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

332. The Kink Resources Department

332

I have resigned to the fact I have become an infrequent blogger.   I enjoy it, but am just not making it a priority.   So there you have it.

My prior post was about a kinky slippery slope that I referred to as Kinkthink!  While I use that term somewhat in jest, I do believe it is a real thing and couples exploring their sexual horizons should be mindful and avoid it creeping into their mindset.  

We certainly have explored greater and greater sexual adventures over the last few years and we remain open to exploring more charted and uncharted sexual territory.   I think we’ve avoided making unhealthy decisions via Kinkthink.  But to be honest, I think we did it more by chance than by clearly understanding and acknowledging the risks of Kinkthink.

One phrase that can help avoid Groupthink applies to Kinkthink as well,  That is –

“NONE OF US IS AS DUMB AS ALL OF US.” 

That really sums up the risks and the momentum a “crowd mentality” can unleash.  And the more singularly focused and homogeneous a group is, the easier it is to create that momentum.  Hum, kind of like the GOP!  I digress.

COOL YOUR JETS!
One thing that we do  is to have a “cooling” off both during and after Immersion.  This was Mike’s idea and started back at our first Immersion.   Mike would essentially call a random “time out” during our festivities where we would just relax.  A warm bath, quiet music, not much talking.  No, not because we couldn’t talk with our mouthful of whatever body part.  There is no sex during “cooling off.”   Oh, with one exception —  

This year he brought along all sorts of oils and he gave me and Kayla a massage.  Of course, that led to sex, but the slow, soft, tender, and sultry vacation-sex.   And it was definitely a “lay there, relax, it’s-all-about-you-sex.”  That’s different than immersion-sex.

These time outs were like extended aftercare sessions.   A physical and emotional re-set before resuming our exploration.

When we returned home Mike had us take an “indefinite” time off from ALL our duties and obligations.  A “submissive-free” time period that went on for four days.   Submission is a default for me.  It is not something I consciously do (with some exceptions).   It was actually more difficult to be sub-free than you would think.

Mike also stepped up and did more chores around the house.  He also treated me and Kayla to a spa day, complete with mani, pedi, facial (the cosmetic type, hee hee), and professional massage.   Not to denigrate Mike’s massage skills, but let’s face it, it’s hard for Mike to compete with a professional masseuse.  Well, sans the sex part, lol.

After three days Mike gave us the heads up that it would be one more day “D/s free” and then back to our normal routine (or abnormal routine if you insist, lol).   Both me and Kayla were ready.  We were re-energized, re-set, and re-focused on returning to what is our default mindset of serving Mike.

KINKTHINK AVOIDANCE TIPS

  • Encourage and remain open and accepting of everyone’s feelings.
    If someone expresses hesitation don’t take that as a signal that they just need a nudge to convince them to do it.
    Don’t gloss over their feelings  – “Ah, come on, you can do it.”   

    Do validate their feelings – even if you don’t agree  – Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way, that’s really insightful.”

    After you validate what they are feeling you can still explain how it makes you feel and have an open and honest discussion about it.

    I think we were fortunate once again, thanks to Mike.  I believe it is part of his natural leadership skills and why he does well in business.  If we are discussing a scene or particular activity, he is good at getting “the quiet one” to express themselves.  “We haven’t heard from Jillian on this one,” or, “So Jaime, what are your concerns about that?”

    Of course, in business he isn’t soliciting feedback about whether you are okay with your breasts being flogged or prefer this butt plug over that one.   At least I don’t think he does that at work?   Hum… maybe I shouldn’t assume??

  •  Diversity 
    It isn’t enough to accept everyone’s thoughts and feelings because there is a risk that the people you surround yourself with, our friends in this case, already share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.For instance, I find that the three of us are far more daring and willing to explore with John and Donna, but were a bit more cautious with the other couples.   Part of it is that we feel John and Donna are pros at TTWD and have confidence in knowing and expressing their limits.  But part of it is that we share a lot in common with them.  This shared mindset often leads to a feeling of, “if they are willing to do it, so are we.”   That’s Kinkthink!

    Having a diverse group of friends helps with this, and we certainly have that.  That’s why we didn’t have all six couples together at the same time – we knew some may feel pressured to try things they shouldn’t.   Also, hearing the concerns from each of the couples helped remind us of things we should stay aware of.   We would not have had those reminders if not for the diversity in our group.

  • Healthy questioning – Dom or sub.  
    Again, I credit Mike for this one.  While we have a lot of insight into the unique dynamics of each couple, we don’t know everything about them.   A good example is Matt and Jillian.  Jillian is very quiet.  We believe it isn’t because Matt doesn’t want her speaking and it is just that she is a quiet person.  But regardless, it was important to check in with her and make sure she is on board.   I think Mike’s open-ended questions to everyone helped set an environment where everyone was comfortable expressing themselves.   And the quieter ones, like Jillian, soon learned that if she didn’t speak up, Mike would likely be calling on her anyway.
  • Kinkthink awareness and avoidance is everyone’s job
    This is something we haven’t done.  I talked with Mike and he agreed we need to bring up Kinkthink with everyone so that we are all more sensitive to it.  It’s easy for one person to become a kink-bully without even knowing it.  They may use subtle statements that discourage dialogue and encourages conformity.   It’s easy to forget that anything you say that furthers the majority opinion can intimidate the minority view, even if that was not your intention.Having thought about it, in hindsight all three of us agreed that this sounded a bit like Matt.  Not that he was intentionally doing anything, but he would often be the one saying, “Ah, come on, you can do this.”

    It’s subtle.  You want to encourage people, which I believe is how he always intended it.   However, you can also unduly influence someone, which sometimes I think he did as well.   It’s not about intent, it’s about impact!  It’s a fine line and lot of it is tone and context.   Matt will have a talk with Immersion HR about some Kinkthink training.  hee-hee!

This all sounded a bit like a kinksters human resources guide.  I like that idea and frankly, it is an appropriate analogy.   Part of HR’s role is for employees to work better together, understand each other better, amicably resolve disputes, and training and development.   All with the goal of achieving mutual goals.  Ha, I didn’t realize it until now.  Immersion 2019 functioned like a Human Resources department. . .ahem, a Kink Resources Department!

The three of us agreed that while we did a good job, we need to improve our KR if we are going to do this again and want to ensure continued healthy outcomes.

Hey, I think I am overdue from sharing a spanking story.  After all, yes, my husband spanks me!  What’s DD without some discipline?  Next post perhaps!

NEXT: 333. Mike says tomato, I get in a pickle.

331. Kinkthink

331

“THAT’S DISGUSTING!!!              Unless you’re into it.”

That pretty much sums up everyone’s reaction to anything kinky.  As I have often written in my blog, EVERYONE’S KINK IS DISGUSTING EXCEPT YOUR OWN.

The reason this is top of mind is that Immersion this year included a lot of “guest appearances.”   In the past, it was just something we did as a couple (or with Kayla once she joined the relationship).  But this year included SIX other couples.

Before DD I barely had six close friends, let alone SIX couples ready and willing to explore sexual kinks with me.  How did this happen?

It reminded me of something I wrote about a long time ago.  Over three years ago – Post 16 to be exact.  Whereas part of our journey into DD I agreed to always share my sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  As stated in that post, it was one of the MOST DIFFICULT parts of our adopting Domestic Discipline.

A MEGA-FORTRESS AROUND OUR PRURIENT INTERESTS
For many of us, even a spouse of 25 years isn’t allowed into our sexual thoughts, not even a peek!   We would rather take those desires to the grave than reveal what perverted, demented, awful, and gross people we are.  We erect a mega-fortress around our prurient interests.

Until. . .

We give an ever so small glimpse.   Maybe it’s the slip of the hand “accidentally” coming down hard on her breast.   Maybe it’s that millimeter by millimeter approach of your finger to his butthole, waiting for him to pull away and he doesn’t.

Or maybe you finally verbalize it.  If you do, more than likely it is a nebulous reference to just wanting to “spice things up.”  But it’s a start.  It’s a crack in the fortress!   Typically that response can lead to at least a small breach and then eventually a crumbling of the walls.

This is only possible if ONE thing happens.   Acceptance and reciprocation.  Oh, that’s two things.   This is only possible if TWO things happen.

ACCEPTANCE / RECIPROCATION
So you finally “go there.” Your biggest fears about your deep dark secrets are about to come to fruition.  And guess what?

Unlike what you thought would happen, the world didn’t end.  Your partner didn’t puke nor run out of the room like their hair is on fire.  They may not have agreed to indulge all your interests, nor you theirs, but you can bet that you found some commonalities and agreement to explore them.

Armed with someone else’s comfort and acceptance of your kinks allows you to be more comfortable and accepting of yourself.    In turn, they become armed with your comfort and acceptance of their kinks, allowing them to be more comfortable and accepting of themselves.  And thus the snowball begins to roll!

Sexual confidence soars once you both have the armor of love and understanding.  You’re both sexually empowered and connected like never before.  It leads you to share the next slightly more kinky desire, and the next, and the next.  With each “reveal” the other person sees it as permission to reciprocate and share their kinky desire (or their variation of your kinky desire).

Again, it doesn’t mean they are into everything you are into.  Only that your kinks are accepted and become relatable.  As an example, I am not turned on by feet, but Mike is.  I don’t share that “fetish” but I totally relate to the feeling it evokes because I have my own fetishes that evoke that feeling.

ADD IN SOME FRIENDS
Things can get very interesting when you add a group of friends who start to share their sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Such discussions normalize everyone’s wide and varied kinks.  Eventually, this experience causes you to be more accepting of even a wider range of kinks.   Yeah, I can now hang with the guy that likes to be pegged by his wife, and with the wife that likes to peg her husband.  Not my thing, but that’s cool.  We’re all equally “disgusting” in our own ways.

These six couples all felt our request to join us for some immersion into their sexual dreams and desires was as normal as asking them to join us on the ski slopes somewhere.   That’s pretty cool.

A DARK SIDE?  Illusion of Invulnerability
Being the self-reflective person that I am, I spent some time in thought about the Immersion this year.  While reveling in the fact that we have such diverse friends who share a common (but not identical) bond in TTWD, something dawned on me.

As friends, there is a natural desire for harmony or conformity in the group.  So you go along with the kinks of others, even if it is outside your comfort zone.  You might do so just as an observer, but you might also decide to join in.   After all, you don’t want to be rude and once you’ve seen them do it, you feel like perhaps it isn’t that big of a deal so you dive in yourself.

It can get to the point where people in the group may avoid raising controversial issues such as calling out a specific kink as “wrong,” or “crazy.”    This can lead to a loss of individual uniqueness and independent thinking.   This dysfunctional group dynamic can eventually produce an “illusion of invulnerability.”  This inflated certainty that the right decision has been made to pursue whatever prurient thought any one person verbalized.

There’s a psychological term for this.   It’s called Groupthink.  Of course, for my group of friends, I refer to it as Kinkthink!

Groupthink is not good.  And Kinkthink can be just as bad.  It can lead us to pursue increasingly dangerous activities, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

We’ve actually done some things to minimize or even avoid Kinkthink without even knowing it.   I’ll share some of that on my next post.

Any interesting thoughts or comments bubbling around your head regarding Kinkthink?  Please share.

Next:  332.  The Kink Resources Department

328. Immersion 2019: Take it to 11

328

I wish I hadn’t taken the break from posting.  I find it difficult to post about something that is “old news” to me.  I enjoy writing “in the moment” where I am still in awe of what happened or still trying to reconcile what it all means.   By now my Immersion is like, “Yep, that happened, no biggie.”

I’ll at least give you the Cliff Notes.  Are those even still around?  Am I showing my age, which, by the way, is now 50!   Yep!  And that’s good cause for an old-fashion Jenny rant about reflecting on life, aging, and a host of other mid-life issues.  As much as I know you would prefer a rant, I am instead going to indulge myself and write about kink.  Yeah, I know, boring, right?  Don’t worry, (I know you are worried).  I’ll rant some other time.

As I mentioned in my prior post, we once again held our annual Immersion, where we take a headfirst dive into exploring our sexual and kinky boundaries (emphasis on the “head” in headfirst, hee-hee).    This was our fourth such “Immersion” which this year we themed, “Take it to 11.”

MISTER AND NURSE ANN
Mister and Nurse Ann joined us for an afternoon like they did last year. We stayed in touch with them since last year.  They’ve been over to our house a few times as well as over to John and Donna’s.  We got to know them well enough that Nurse Ann even made a few visits to our house by herself just to breastfeed Kayla.

BTW, it’s been about a year since Kayla seriously explored age play.   I believe I wrote somewhere that over time she progressed, or sort of “aged-up” from a near infant-like play to more toddler.  She continued that progression and most play puts her about 5 years old.  She will still jump around a bit, and clearly, the breastfeeding is more infant-like.  I won’t re-hash this topic since I covered it in last year’s Immersion post, 274. Got Milk(ing)? Immersion 2018.  It was pretty much a repeat of that.

Oh, so you can mark your scorecard, yes, it included us having sex with Mister. hee-hee.

TAKE IT TO 11
Our “Take it to 11” activities were the “new ground” that we wanted to experiment with during Immersion 2019.   It involved a variety of things, most notably more Master/slave exploring, more BDSM, and the most daring one for us, playing around with “Consensual non-consent.”

MASTER/slave Exploring
There was some of what we’ve done before.  Again, you can refer to last year’s post for that stuff.   Orgasm denial was something new.  Not that any of us are against it, it just never resonated as something we wanted to explore, until now.

It is its own unique form of torture and pleasure.  Being on edge for four hours is as painful as it is pleasurable.  And when I was allowed to release, let’s just say it was intense.  Intense enough that I emptied my bladder as well.  I’d love to say it was because it was THAT intense of an orgasm, but perhaps I’m getting a bit incontinent in my advancing age.  I digress.

Honestly, I would chalk it up to it being THAT intense.  I was verbally louder than I’ve ever been, I shook more than usual, got lightheaded, and yeah, spilled the pee as well! The aftershocks went on for about ten minutes.

Kayla had a harder time with denial.  She’s always been very orgasmic and can orgasm without being touched.  She often orgasms just from giving head.  Mike had to really back off on the stimulation with her and she came many times without permission and was punished accordingly.

I guess since I sort of “mastered” the course, Mike isn’t that interested in adding this to our routine.  That’s fine with me.  It was fun but not something I crave.   Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for Kayla, this is something she will be repeating (and already has).

I got an email from someone recently who follows this blog that wrote of essentially “orgasm training” where, like Pavlov’s dog, he trained his wife or girlfriend to be able to cum on demand by using the sound of his voice.  I mentioned this to Mike and he had this grin like, “That’s it, that’s what I’ll work on with Kayla!”   Sorry, Kayla.  Or maybe not.  I think she’s going to enjoy it.

Another M/s type things we did that was new was . . . I am not sure how to best describe it. . . We spoke poorly of ourselves?   Basically, that we were nothing more than objects for Mike’s pleasure and expressed no will of our own other than to serve him, be his slave, his cunts, his whores.   Yeah, we did that.

Like a lot of things we do during Immersion, I can do it knowing it is part of exploring and likely for a limited time.  It’s not my thing and isn’t going to become my thing – not that there’s anything wrong with it if it’s your thing.  Honestly, I had a hard time doing it without laughing at times because it just seemed silly to me.  Clearly, I didn’t connect to that on a submissive level.  More power to you if it connects with you.

Kayla likes the “deeper/darker” stuff more than I do, but she didn’t particularly like the self-degradation or degradation from Mike.  She loves to serve Mike and be under his authority, but she thrives with the “warm stuff.”  She loves the hugs, the “good girl” and all the affirmations that Mike regularly gives her.

MORE BDSMRope.  Lots of rope.  
Mike researched Shibari, (and as he learned, more correctly known as Kinbaku), which are Japanese rope tying techniques.  He was anxious to apply the research.  BTW, here’s some info he liked about the type of rope of use.

There are all sorts of tips and safety measures you should learn about.  Just search Shibari and you can find the details.  I won’t go into them here.

I don’t particularly like being suspended or restrained beyond just my hands tied.  Although I liked the breast bondage stuff.  Shibari seemed like an awful lot of work and time for minimal pleasure.  I guess I am just not rope-bunny material.

Mike enjoyed the challenge of figuring out the various ties but admitted that in the end, he wasn’t that turned on sexually.   Kayla loves to be restrained but said she is good with the handcuffs, bed restraints, and spreader bars we already use.  Maybe it just requires more practice or we went about it the wrong way?  Any thoughts out there?

MORE BDSM – Wax on.  Wax off.
We also spent several hours in wax play.  We did this with some of our guests, which I will write more about later.   While we’ve done a little wax play here and there, we did a lot of wax play during Immersion.  Practically several full-body waxings as well as playing with different types of wax of different temperatures.

We all enjoyed it and have always enjoyed it when we’ve dabbled in it.  Frankly, for whatever reason, it’s more of a social thing for us.  We’ve done it many times with John and Donna, but rarely as part of play between the three of us.   I’m sure that’s normal whenever a bunch of friends get together.  “Hey, let’s all get naked and pour wax on each other!”   Well, normal for us anyway.

CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT & PLAYING WITH OTHERS
These two topics overlap because our “ConNonCon” also included playing with others.
As this post is long enough, I’ll cover those last two parts of our Immersion in another post.   Here’s a hint though.  It includes a lot of sex.   Surprised?   No?   What kind of person do you think I am?   Oh… that kind?   Well, okay, you’re right.

Next: 329. More Immersion 2019: Playing with Friends

317. Contrast on a theme of sexual aesthetics

317

Look at me!  Two posts in two days!

Not sure why I chose this image.  I believe the ridiculousness of it spoke to me and summed up a theme of this post.  “To each their own” as it pertains to what turns you on, even if it is a clown in a bathroom with a pretty woman and massive stacks of Benjamins.   Now that’s a unique fetish!

This post is a bit weird, but I am in a weird mood.

TURN IT TO 11
Full disclosure — All 11 of us have yet to get together at the same time.  There always seems to be a couple or two that can’t make it on any particular gathering, but I am sure it will happen at some point.   Hey, football season is right around the corner! 

Speaking of sex, we actually have dialed down our sex lives a tad.  It’s definitely been at 11 since about the start of this year (not as in 11 people, but as, dialed up to 11.  Just click the “been at 11” link).  Maybe that’s why I haven’t been posting as much.  I am exhausted.  hee-hee.   We’ve explored some new sexual terrain in the last five months.   We played with some other couples that we met at a swingers club.

It was interesting and different than some of the FetLife connections we made in the past.   While I am sure our experiences are unique to the specific groups of people with whom we met, I wonder if our observations could be consistently applied across the board?   I hate labels as they are always incomplete and full of exceptions.  But they do help ground us and convey what we are thinking.   So here it goes.

TO FET OR TO SWING? THAT IS THE QUESTION
I think Tofet Ortoswing would be a cool name of a character.  What nationality does that sound most like?   Is that a male name or female?   I digress.

We felt the swingers club was a more sophisticated and conservative group.  I don’t mean that in a political sense, although come to think of it, that could be a part of it.  It felt a bit more upscale, sophisticated, and at times, even fake.   Whereas FetLife functions were more blue-collar, more casual, more real.

I guess women in cupless leather bustiers and men with no underwear and crotchless pants lend themselves to a more raw aesthetic than women in a dress with a hint of cleavage and men in kakis and a blazer.

Maybe fake is a bit too harsh of a word.  I struggle to articulate it.  There was nothing fake about the sex and swapping.  Subdued?  A bit methodical, bordering on play-acting or pretending?   A bit more rehearsed!  Yes, that’s getting closer to describing it.  The Swing club seemed to have unspoke protocols that no one could articulate, but everyone knew existed.  A level of politeness and formality.    That’s it!  Subdued, polite, formal. 

Contrast that with our FetLife gatherings.  Spontaneous, authentic, and free-flowing.   No rules other than respect everyone’s likes and dislikes and the way you found out what they liked or didn’t like is this trick called “asking.”  You just put it all out there, nothing is unspoken.  Sharing what’s on your mind can come across noisy, impolite, and informal.

RESPECT!
I respect both vibes and enjoyed both of them.  It makes sense that they would be different.

Just think about what draws people to each of those scenes.   FetLife is simply more fetish related.  After all, it is Fetlife.   And the ranges of fetishes are immense and very diverse.  Gatherings are about exploring and enjoying not just your particular fetish, but in observing all the other kinky shit that is out there.  It makes you feel normal and more confident about your fetishes because as we all know, everyone’s kink is disgusting, except your own.

Swingers tend to be more singularly focused on one fetish – swapping.  And the swapping seems to be more straight sex.   Missionary.  Doggie.  Oral.  Yes, exceptions exist, but that sums up about 90% of it.  The variable is mostly limited to whether you watch your partner or do you swing separately?   By the way, I am not complaining nor dissing the Swing-scene.  There is a huge thrill in swinging and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  I am just trying to articulate the differences all three of us felt.

Oh, and we were also a bit odd in that “we” were three.   It made us a bit of the “freaks” with the Swingers.  Not in an uncomfortable way, although I assume some people could have been made to feel uncomfortable with that vibe.  Not us.  We reveled in it.  And it led to a lot of fun!  A lot of wives and girlfriends playfully joking with their partners, “Hey, no fair, this swap is a two for one and I am just getting the one.”   Swapping humor!

TURN IT DOWN A NOTCH OR TWO, (BUT NOT THREE)
After several months at “11,” Mike called for us to cool it down a bit.  He felt we were getting a bit sex-crazed, and he was right.  It was feeling a bit like an addiction.

We were all looking forward to our next adventure, but that anticipation was more than just a craving, it was becoming a “can’t live without it” lusting.  While all three of us had it, Kayla really had it the worst, but none of us were immune.  Mike noticed a decrease in our level of tolerance for everyday things and towards each other.  We were all a bit more irritable and both mine and Kayla’s bottoms became clear evidence of the consequences of that irritability.

While perhaps it wasn’t related to a sex-seeking frenzy, once Mike said something about it, it resonated as true to all of us.  We recognized it and agreed we were becoming very focused on when our next play session would be with anyone other than our Circle of Trust (COT).   The result was Mike has put a moratorium on any activities outside our COT.

As evidence that perhaps we had gone a bit crazy, there was a bit of feeling of withdrawal.  A feeling of anxiety and insomnia where your mind thinks of the amazing sex you are missing.  Luckily, that could be quickly remedied by a convenient antidote.  We would just have amazing sex together!

PORN AS AN AID
What also helped us was more role play between the three of us.  I mentioned a few posts back that we got an account on bdsmlr.com.  The three of us use it by logging in and making comments on the pics or gifs – snarky ones, suggestive ones, playful ones, nasty ones, you name it.  Some of it based on reality, some of it fantasy.   A little playground for us to use our imagination and share dirty thoughts.   

We each try to log in each day to see what comments the other two have made and to add more of our own.   We are Funsome Threesome if you want to see what it’s all about.   I caution you, bdsmlr.com is a bit raw and crude.  Misogyny and patriarchy reign supreme on most accounts. 

I know some of you are saying, “Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”   While I disagree, I won’t argue the point.   I get it, my lifestyle and COT is definitely not *misandry and matriarchy.   Well, at least outside of Kim’s bedroom it’s not!  lol. 

  (*hint:  those are the opposites of misogyny and patriarchy.  The fact I had to look up the opposite of misogyny just shows you how misogynistic our culture is.   Most of us don’t even know the term for its opposite.  If you did know, that’s great.  You just earned five points for social awareness.  And what can you do with those 5 points?  You can now be subject to Christian-sharia law if you live in the South.  Wow, did I digress or what?)

Stay kinky!

Next: 318. Master Kayla. She no longer submits?