37. Uggh! Assistance with Activites of Daily Living

Yea! I have some unexpected free time and get to do another post today. In typical Jenny style, I can’t just jump in and share my most dreadful experience during our immersion. It needs a little set up.

I already shared the most challenging rule of the immersion and now I will share the most humbling.

When Mike and I first talked about what our immersion would be like, we talked about how far he should push things. Mike had shared several ideas with me prior to our immersion, but I told him not to tell me everything he had planned. I wanted there to be the element of shock and awe.   And for everything he did share I was quick to reassure him I was comfortable with those things and was willing to go deeper. I told him to go far, even if he felt it was humiliating to me. I told him I don’t and wouldn’t look at any of the things he was thinking of as humiliating. I vividly remember telling him that I would take anything he thought was humiliating and at worst I would just likely be humbled by it, not humiliated.  Well, I guess I lied. After all, humbled, mortified, and embarrassed, are all meanings of the word humiliated, and I felt all of those things.

Mike had this idea that I could not be responsible for any of my self-care; eating, dressing, bathing, and yes, using the bathroom.

Eating: I would fix Mike’s meal and he would eat it as I waited, kneeling nearby, getting up only to fetch anything else he needed. When he was done I would clean up, and then could make myself something. I would bring it over to Mike and then kneel down next to him.   He would cut my food and feed me. I could not use my hands at all, even to use a napkin. (There were a few times Mike “invited” me to dine with him as a special treat, although frankly, it was probably because feeding me was pretty tedious). A few times we had John and Donna over and they would take turns feeding me. Oh, keep in mind I also had a standing rule at all times that I could never speak unless spoken to.

Dressing: I was always naked when we were home, but we did go out in public a few times during our immersion (those outings can be another story I can share). Mike would pick out my clothes and dress me. He really couldn’t handle my hair and would call Donna over to brush and fix it nicely. Oh, and when we got home, I couldn’t undress myself. He had to undress me.

Bathing: I could not lift a hand and had to be bathed by someone else. It included a very thorough washing and drying of every nook and cranny. The water was always cold, except one night when Mike rewarded me with a warm bath.  Mike also enlisted the help of both John and Donna.   Sometimes Mike would bathe me, other times it was John and other times it was Donna. While Johnf had seen me naked before – heck, he had seen me masturbate – having him bathe me was a bit eerie.   Mike was not present when one of them would bathe me so it seemed a bit more personal, a bit more intimate. And again, I could never speak unless spoken to.   One time I said something to John and when he reported it to Mike, Mike had John spank me for the infraction.

Bathroom: This was the most shocking and humbling and yes, I will say humiliating. Having to always ask permission to use the bathroom was no big deal. It was the only time I could speak without being spoken to. What was a big deal is that I couldn’t use the bathroom alone. Someone, usually Mike, always had to be with me. Worst yet, I could not attend to certain things on my own. Okay, I’ll just say it. I was not allowed to wipe myself. When it came to #2, Mike thought such a task was not going to fall on him either, so, I had to call Donna when I needed assistance with that. Yes, just imagine the phone call. “Donna, this is Jen, can you come over and wipe me?” There were a few times Donna was not available and Mike made me call and ask John. Luckily, John declined the invitation each time. I guess he even has limits. Ha!   But Donna didn’t have the luxury of declining. John loved the idea of her having to do this that he soon had me return the favor and Donna was calling me when she needed assistance.   Of course, this was the first thing I said had to go once our immersion was over. I was not going to carry this over to become routine.

So, there it is.   I wasn’t going to share this one but Mike reads my blog and insists I share. Uggh!

I imagine there can’t possibly be anything that would be more difficult for me to share than what I just shared with you (or is there?).

Next: 38. Bow-chicka NOPE!  plus Tattoo Parlor Confessions

36. Vocabulary Lesson: Fetch the Rubber Paddle

It’s been hectic lately. With school out our youngest is home all day and our middle child is home for about two more weeks before he heads back for a summer session at college. We’ve had to modify our DD a bit. As I’ve said a few times before, TTWD can be inconvenient with kids around. Enough about that, let me get back to sharing our M/s immersion experiment.

In this post I will share my greatest challenge during the immersion. It isn’t what you would likely guess. It all had to do with vocabulary. Oh, by the way, I didn’t forget that I promised to share my most humbling and horrific experience from the immersion. I will share that on my next post. I need to build up the courage to share that, and think through how I can delicately address it.

So, the most challenging — Mike came up with some vocabulary rules for me. One of which is that I must acknowledge I heard whatever he last said. I do so by verbally answering, not just nodding my head.   My answer must refer to him as “Sir,” and I must rephrase or repeat what he said as a way of conveying I heard him completely. Only then could I add my response or answer to his question. I also had to speak clearly and confidently without hesitation.

It sounded something like this:

Mike: “Jen, I need a sandwich.”
Jen: “What kind would you like?”

Mike: “That’s one. Remember, how to properly phrase your responses to me.”
Jen: “Yes sir, you need a sandwich, what kind would you like?”

Mike: “That’s two. The last thing I stated was about how to properly phrase a response. It was not about my sandwich.”
Jen: “Yes, sir, I will remember how to properly phrase my responses to you.”

Mike: “Will you?  Well, that’s three because my last statement was not about telling you to remember anything, it was to point out that my prior statement was about how to properly phrase a response.”
Jen: “Yes sir, you were not telling me to remember anything, you were pointing out your statement about how to properly phrase a response.”

Mike: “Good girl, you got it right.”
Jen: Silence.

Mike: “That’s four. You failed to respond to what I said.
Jen (meekly): Yes sir.   That was four as I failed to respond. That you sir for acknowledging I got it right.

Mike: “Okay, but that’s five because you responded too softly. I must hear you clearly and hear conviction in what you say.”
Jen (boldly): “Yes sir, it is five. I must speak clearly.”

Mike: “About that sandwich”
Jen: “Yes sir, you would like a sandwich. What kind would you like me to make?”

Mike: “Ham and cheese with lettuce and tomatoes would be good.”
Jen: “Sir, shall I toast your bread?”

Mike: “That’s six.”
Jen: “Sorry Sir, yes, that’s six. Sir would like ham, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. Would you like me to toast your bread, Sir?”

and so on!

There were many examples like this one, some went on a very long time where I would actually get up to “10” in one basic conversation.   I got better at it but it was not until about half way through the immersion that I actually got good at it.

Oh, and what did the “6” or “10” or whatever number refer to?  There were two punishments attached to that number. When Mike felt the particular exchange was concluded, he would have me fetch the “rubber paddle.” This was one of several new implements he ordered. I would bring it to him and he would immediately administer the number of swats that corresponded to whatever number of vocabulary infractions I had during that conversation.   We then had a paper posted on the refrigerator that kept a running tally of my vocabulary infractions (and when we went out, I carried a notepad to keep tally).   Each time I got to 10, he would then administer the Jumping Jacks of Doom.

We couldn’t continue this vocabulary rule into our daily life, but I am now in the habit of always calling him Sir when the kids aren’t around and out of habit I have even do so several times in front the kids. I had done it before in front of our youngest and he never commented or seemed to think anything of it, but our middle child did. I just chalked it up to being playful and silly (which is true, just not all the truth).

Oh, and I’ll comment about this rubber paddle. I hate it. It is odd.  The sting from it is not all that greater than other items, but it seems to have a longer lasting effect. The sting seems to stay around for quite a bit after the spanking. It makes my ass a bit raw and thus not only stings for longer, but if I get spanked again soon after, that spanking stings a whole lot more than usual, regardless of what implement is used.   I don’t know if this is due to the type of paddle, how Mike is using it, or just how my ass reacts to it. Whatever the reason, it is not a favorite of mine.

Next: 37. Uggh.  Assistance with Activities of Daily Living. 

 

38. Bow-chicka…Nope! plus Tattoo Parlor Confessions

I’ve got so many stories from our experiment to share and since tonight is a rare night with time on my hands, I will share two more.  These are related as the both involve some exhibitionism.  Exhibitionism is pretty tame compared to my prior stories, so I doubt these will be very titillating, but they do serve as another footnote in TTWD.

Bow-chika wow wow?

Mike called a plumber to fix a problem with our water heater.  Naturally I thought I would either get dressed or just wait in our bedroom until he left.  Mike thought otherwise. He told me I would remain nude and I would be the one to explain the problem to the plumber as he was giving me permission to speak as necessary in order to converse with the plumber. When the plumber arrived Mike had a brief talk with him, just in case the plumber saw one too many pornos and was thinking “bow-chicka wow wow” he would understand this was “bow-chicka nope!” He gave the plumber some story that I lost a bet and had to stay naked.  He told the plumber there was nothing sexual about it, and that he needs to treat it matter-of-fact as if I was clothed.  He asked the plumber if he had a problem with that and if he did, he would have me wait in another room.  The plumber actually joked, “Is she good looking? “ And then laughing said he would be “cool with that.”

Mike let him in and I met him just outside our pantry, where our water heater is located.  In the most casual and normal way I could muster, I said, “Let me show you where it is.”   I walked him over to the water heater and explained the problem. All the while Mike was just standing there smiling.  The guy would say something but look over at Mike and Mike would quickly say, “Talk to her, she is handling this.”   I could tell the guy was more embarrassed than I was.  The rest of his service call was uneventful, and after checking it all out he said we just need a new water heater. It was so funny because I could feel the muscles in his eyes struggling to stay focused on my face.   Finally, as he was leaving, I said, “okay, you’ve been such a great sport about it go ahead and take a good look at my boobs and body.”   He looked over at Mike and Mike said, “Obviously I don’t mind as I invited you in knowing she was naked.  Go ahead and have your look.”  With that he gave me about a five-second once-over look and blushed even more.  He then seemed very eager to return and reassured us they’ll call as soon as the replacement arrived and he and a coworker would come to install it.  Mike and I joked that when he returns with a partner to help with installing the new heater, I’ll be fully clothed and if the guy mentions anything about me being naked before we will act like he is crazy and deny it, just to mess with him.

Tattoo Parlor Confessions  (technically a nipple piercing, not a tattoo).
We celebrated the end of our M/s immersion with me getting my nipples pierced.  It was actually the last day of our experiment so the M/s rules still applied.  When we got to the place we had to decide between 12 or 14-gauge (went with 14 as that is what they recommended) as well as pick out some jewelry. I had to follow our
vocabulary rules anytime Mike asked me a question, including calling him Sir.  When they would ask me a question, I would answer, “Whatever Sir wants.”   This was uncomfortable for me, but I psyched myself up for it by imagining I was in a play and was simply playing a role.  The gal helping us caught on pretty quick and started directing her questions to Mike.

There was a young couple there and the young woman was considering piercing her nipples and her boyfriend was definitely encouraging her.  She was being hesitant so Mike asked her if it would help if she watched as I got it done. Mike told them that her boyfriend was welcomed to watch too.  They agreed.

When we were ready the girl at the desk took us to the back, although it really wasn’t behind anything. It was an open area and the piercing and tattoo stations were more like open cubicles.  They did have one private room and offered it, but Mike declined.  She had me sit with Ramon and I took my top and bra off and away he went.  The pain was tolerable and they’ve healed nicely – still just a tad tender, and I am still getting used to having them – ouch, when a towel catches on them!  In the scheme of things, this story is a bit of a yawner.  Nothing crazy happened and I got the sense that women drop their tops in this place all the time.

Maybe Ramon was more entertained.  Not by the boob-show, but by the conversation.  Right after mine, we got to watch the young lady get hers done.  They asked us a lot of questions about our relationship, specifically asking if it was a “Fifty shades” thing.   Mike told them it was something like that, but that each dominant/submissive relationship was different and he went into honest details about our DD, that we were experimenting with a master/slave dynamic and the piercing was to celebrate the end of that experiment.  The girl especially had lots of questions.  She admitted to liking to be spanked and when her blushing boyfriend said that he spanked her sometimes, she said, “Uh, your love taps don’t count as a spanking.”  While it didn’t seem like DD would be their thing, it was clear to me that she has some harder spankings in her future.  Ramon must have been very entertained by our entire conversation.  I think HBO should do a series like the old Taxicab Confessions but call it Tattoo Parlor Confessions.

Next:  39. What’s in a Name?  A Spanking!

35. Calisthenics of Doom (and a tease on more to come).

I have a lot to share from our 10-day M/s immersion, so much so that I am not sure where to start. I will say that there was one element of what we did that I found the most horrific. Horrific in the sense of it being dreadful, pushing the envelope on what I would allow. Horrific in that it was shocking to me that Mike came up with it (and John and Donna went along with it), venturing into embarrassment and teetering on disgraceful. However, in the end though, like most things, within a few days I got used to it and while still shocking, it became routine.   What was is that Mike had me do? Well, I will just tease you for now and leave it at that, and share the specifics on another post. For one, I still need to build up the nerve to share it.

So, what I will share today is this less disconcerting aspect of our fun – two new punishment techniques.

By the way, while I still occasionally refer to my punishments as “rewards” and we still follow our Reward protocol per our Contract, I pretty much always just refer to them as punishments now. I think the term has lost the stigma I previously attached to it. Actually, after our immersion, pretty much everything lost its’ stigma with me. I am now far less sensitive about the words I use to describe TTWD. Perhaps I shouldn’t be as words are power (as I’ve mentioned on several posts).  I have wanted you to be able to understand my perspective on things and thus have tried to be careful with my words so that they convey the meaning I want to convey to you.  Call it lazy, as at this moment I am not wanting to invest in finding the perfect words to use.  I prefer to call it confidence – as I am less concerned about people misconstruing some element(s) of TTWD.  Anyway, it’s a bit of futile effort as we all attach different meanings to words, even the ones I diligently select.

Enough babbling.  Here’s the fun stuff –

So Mike came up with this “push up” position for certain spankings. He would strike me as I would assume the position as if I was doing a push up. If my knees touched the ground, he would start over. My arms got quite a workout. That’s one way to build upper body strength!   This position is now part of our repertoire to be used as Mike sees fit – and lately it is a favorite of his.

Then there is the dreaded “I-don’t-know-what-to-call it.” Perhaps, “the jumping jacks of doom?” He got me these new nipple clamps that are more like clips that have very heavy ends to them. I start out with “earning” 100 strokes and then have to try and do 10 jumping jacks without hesitating or stopping. For each one I do, 10 strokes are removed from the punishment. I never made it past 5 jumping jacks. Those clips start to really tug and burn, even after just one jump. Mike has become deviously creative!  Luckily we put the use of this one on hold as my nipples adjust to their new piercings.

I’ll end by sharing a bit about how Mike handled the immersion.  He handled it beautifully. I was clear to him up front that I wanted him to feel completely free to do and try anything and that if there was any moment where he thought I would be mad at him, he should remember that I promised him, in advance, that I would not ever be mad.  If he had a moment of doubt I asked him to think of me on his shoulder saying, “Yes, Mike, I want you to try that.”  The only hard limit I put on him was that scat was off limits. I felt silly telling him that but, not only did I mean it, but I think actually giving him a boundary, as far out as it was, was helpful for him to understand that everything else was acceptable to me. Beyond that one hard limit, the only limits were his imagination and my threshold for pain.

Next – 36. Vocabulary Lesson:  Fetch the Rubber Paddle

34. M/s immersion complete

Immersion complete!

I don’t know where to start or what to share first.  I believe it will take many posts to share some of the ups and down of our foray into a Master/slave dynamic.

To summarize, it was exhilarating and exhausting, arousing and mundane, sensible and absurd.  While always in the veil of serving Mike, it also had moments of self-absorption and self-reflection.  Overall it was a positive experience and I am glad we did it.

I learned that M/s is not for us; however, there are elements we are taking back to what now appears to us as our tame and “normal” domestic discipline arrangement.

I’ll share some specifics on future posts but want to share now that the most surprising part of it for me was how physically demanding it was.  I had thought of quitting at one point as I was just exhausted.  I was trying hard to not show my fatigue but Mike could clearly see it.  The night of day 7 he allowed me to take a warm bath, (all bathing prior to this was with cold water).  He then put me to bed early and put a blindfold on me, put on some sound effect app that played the sound of water rushing through a river, and he turned out the lights.  In addition to going to bed early, I got to sleep until I woke up on my own.  That rest and lovely gesture was just the medicine I needed as I was ready to take on the last three days with a full head of steam.

As a tease, some of the more interesting stories were when we needed a plumber and Mike made me stay naked during the service call, or some of the things Mike and John worked out regarding me and Donna, or our attending two FetLife functions, or the several new toys/implements Mike surprised me with.  Mike also came up with two new punishment techniques, both of which are easily at the top of my least favorite list.  Also, I will share the things we are taking into our daily DD routine/rules.  Lastly, we “celebrated” the end of the immersion with getting my nipples pierced, which also has a fun story attached (although not as salacious as I had hoped it would be).

We have a few days to mentally and physically re-set and our son will be back home. Given that it is summer, our DD and TTWD will occur less frequently since our son will mostly be home.  DD is so inconvenient, but Mike and I have already devised a plan to make sure we don’t ignore it.

Next: 35. Calisthenics of Doom & a Tease 

33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment.

Just a quick post as soon my parents are picking up my son for a two-week stay with them. Mike and I are eager to begin our M/s immersion!   Mike has been sharing the rules for our immersion with me so I can be prepared and suffice to say, I am excited. There are some things that are quite shocking for me and that will be very uncomfortable (not just physically, but emotionally), but I am eager to please and willing to try everything he has laid out thus far. It seems so odd that the more I submit to Mike, the more I want to submit. It feeds on itself.

I’ve shared some of the reasons I believe are behind this in posts like Quick Reflections. I have another quick thought on why this has been so fulfilling for me. I have always tended to be more “reason-based” in my thinking. I would think through the various angles and then arrive at a conclusion. “Reason” is good that way. It results in conclusions.

One of the best rules of our DD is that I share everything and share it immediately, including my thoughts, dreams, and desires. The result is I am thinking more freely, thinking and sharing more on emotion, sharing what I am feeling in that moment, without any filters of “reason.”  I have found it liberating to share those thoughts. What I’ve found is that while “reason” is a good way to arrive at a sound conclusion, it is “emotion” that leads to fulfillment and action.

It is emotion that reveals the essence of who you are. Sharing that essence with Mike, and having him accept it and reciprocate that sharing is at the heart of why this has been so rewarding to me.

Okay, enough of my esoteric ramblings. It’s time for my immersion to begin. I may not post for a while. Mike has said no posting (or even asking for posting time) unless he specifically tells me to do so.

NEXT: 34. Immersion Complete

32. Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, Serve.

I’ve re-written this post several times before publishing. I’ve gone from wanting to share my thoughts and plans for next week (it starts Wednesday) to wanting to share nothing. It’s an odd feeling. I’ve shared a lot in my posts, but for some reason I don’t feel like sharing much about what’s going on at this moment. It’s like I want what Mike and I are about to embark upon to be just ours – no one else’s.   It’s not due to any sense of shame (I have none), or from fear (I have some, but that’s not why). It’s just I want this to be ours, and ours alone.   Maybe I’ll feel differently when it is over.

Anxiety Soup
I will share a few things. I am feeling a bit of anxiety soup. . . excitement with a dash of fear, peppered with anticipation and anxiousness to get started.   And it isn’t the type of fear as in a fear from danger, but a fear in that perhaps it will not be what I hope it to be. I am trying to not think about what I hope it will be and simply just let it be.   A journey into the unknown, a test of limits, and exploration that will take me wherever it takes me, no expectations.

No Expectations
Okay, maybe some expectations.  I expect I will enjoy this, but also enjoy that it is only for 10-days.  I’ll be wanting it to end, not because I wouldn’t be enjoying myself, but after 10 days I will be ready to return to our “normal” DD lifestyle. My expectation is that we will take a few “nuggets” of what we learned in our experiment and apply them to our lifestyle going forward. The rest we will remember as a fond memory but not seek to repeat it. Like that once in a lifetime trip to Paris, except for the pain, degradation, and humiliation part.   Just kidding.   While we plan to go dark, I can never feel humiliated in front of Mike.   Intensely uncomfortable, perhaps a bit of embarrassment, but not degraded or humiliated. We have done a couple of “training days” (more like training “hours” because private time has been hard to come by lately) where Mike has subjected me to some of the rules that will be in place next week. There’s no consequences at this point, just reminders that certain behaviors are expected or no longer tolerated.   I will share a few of them, but most of the stuff I’m keeping between Mike and me, at least for now.

No Please
One thing I am having trouble with is that Mike said I cannot say the word “please.” He said that is a word of manipulation, as if I am pleading with him to try and influence him. I am simply to state whatever it is I may be asking, without saying please, else I will be punished. I also have to acknowledge everything he says, even if there is nothing for me to say, with a simple, “Yes, Sir.”  Think of it as a substitute for when you otherwise say, “Okay.” Also, I cannot speak to him until spoken to, period, no exception. That is really difficult. Couple of other things — I also am only able to drink tepid water, no ice and no other drinks.   I must ask permission for everything I do and there are certain things I am not allowed to do on my own.

FINAL SHARE
Because I am weird that way, we did write down these rules for our 10-day Immersion:

Without condition, hesitation, or any reservations;

  • Jennifer commits to Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, and Serve Mike both proactively and in response to any and all demands he makes of Jennifer.
  • Mike commits to Lead, Protect, Provide, and Decide for and on behalf of Jennifer for any all things that occur in every aspect of daily life.

Okay, that’s enough to share for now. If you want to know more, just let your imagination run wild   If you can think it, we are probably doing it, with very few exceptions:

6 more days to immersion!

NEXT: 33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment