280. You can’t beat that! (a spanking story)

280

Mike is going out of town on business for a couple of days next week.  He hasn’t told us what his plans are regarding WWAA! (When We Are Apart).  Typically it is some combination of me or Kayla spending a night with John and Donna, or they stay the night at our house, or Matt stays the night or I stay a night at his place.   We shall see. 

If you’re keeping score, it’s actually been awhile since the three of us have had sex with John and Donna.  Now that it is football season, I suspect tomorrow may be an opportunity to all play together.  One thing or another has just limited our play with them the last month or two (other than Immersion when we played a lot with them). Maybe tomorrow – J is spending the weekend at his brother’s house and John and Donna are coming over for “game day.”  As in, football — and yes, sex!  

SPANKED LAST NIGHT
I got quite a spanking last night.  My butt is very sore and bruised and my boobs still are bit polka-dotty (is that word?  It is now!).  Actually, much of it looks a bit more like a rash than polka-dots, but “polka-dotty” sounds so much for fun than “rashy.”    Anyway…. so, what happened? 

DISRESPECTFUL
I was dealing with an issue with J and talking to him about it.  Mike chimed in and I took exception to what Mike said.  In hindsight what he said was very supportive of the point I was trying to make to J, but it was just a slightly different angle and a little bit different than the point I was trying to reinforce with J.   I reacted as if Mike was undermining me, not supporting me.  I snapped back at Mike, in front of J. 

Now in the history of spouses “snapping” at each other, my little snap probably ranked as a two on a scale of 1-10.  Regardless, disobedience is an absolute.  I am either obedient, or not, and I was not.  My tone and words were disrespectful. 

This occurred just as J was going to bed.  Mike sent me to my room in as subtle way as possible.  “Jen, I know you are frustrated, why don’t you go to our room and relax and I will make sure J gets to bed.”   I knew that “relax” was code for, “prepare for discipline.”  I went to the bedroom and stood in the corner awaiting his arrival. 

SOAPING
To my surprise, Mike came in after just a few minutes.  He walked me to the tub and had me stand in it.  I knew what that meant.  He lathered up a bar of soap and told me to stick out my tongue.  He rubbed the soap on my tongue and then around my lips before putting it in my mouth and telling me to bite down.  “I need to see teeth marks when I take it out.”  I was told to stand there, with my hands clasped behind my head, until he returned.   

It seemed like forever before he returned.  It was about thirty minutes which, in “soaping time” is just short of forever.   He asked me if I had ever put my arms down during that time.  I nodded as the soap was still in my mouth.   A few times I had lowered my arms just to stretch them and relax them and I returned them to position as quickly as possible.   He told me I just earned some extra spankings. 

He had a glass which he filled with water.  He took the bar out of my mouth — it had clearly visible teeth marks — and let me rinse with the water in the glass.  He then told me to kneel and as is our typical soap discipline, he peed in my mouth and I rinsed with his piss.   With a soaping it is mostly just rinse and spit, but I often am required to swallow at some point.

I still have this strange relationship with this whole pee thing.  I don’t like talking about it — I am sort of forcing myself to do so now.   Yeah I post about it here and there, but I often skip sharing most of my pee related punishments.  The idea of it is so repulsive to me.  But the reality of it just isn’t nearly as repulsive as the thought of it.   For me it is the most submissive thing that I do.  Emotionally I like the idea that I allow Mike to piss in my mouth and yes, that I often drink it.  There, I said it.  I like it.  You are probably puking about now.   Anyway, it feels good to just own it!  Let’s move on. 

A PADDLING, OR TWO, OR THREE
Mike then turned on the shower and used the wand to rinse off the drool, suds and pee that was on me.  He told me to get out and dry off as he went to our closet to choose a spanking implement.  He emerged with two different wooden paddles – a long thin one and one very wide one.  Before he paddled me, he told me to just get it all out and let’s talk about what my issue was. 

We calmly discussed it.  It was unreal just how calm the discussion was.  I wasn’t upset – at him or at myself.  I already realized that he was trying to be helpful and that I over reacted.  And I also had reconciled that my over reaction wasn’t some monumental failing on my part.  Just something that happened “in the moment” as a reflex on my part to responding to what I perceived as a threat to my “mommy authority.”   What he said to J clearly was no threat and if anything, was supportive of what I was saying.  All of this to say that my mindset was simply, “Yep, I screwed up, and I hope this discipline can influence that ‘reflex’ so that I don’t repeat my behavior. 

I even had thought about the fact that my snapping at him, while unacceptable, was very mild and illustrated how far I have come.  There was a time my retort would have been anything but mild.  I was feeling a sense of accomplishment with my DD, and fully accepted that I had earned this punishment.  Thus, I was able to discuss what happened very calmly.   It helped that Mike was also calm, which 99.9% of the time he is.   As a quick aside – he strives to make sure he disciplines me in a calm manner.  Now calm doesn’t mean he isn’t stern — he can be very stern – but he always exudes a sense of control and calm.  

We talked a bit and I apologized for my behavior.  He then had me grab my ankles and he went about spanking me, pausing from time to time to lecture me.  The spankings were very hard and I had no sense of just how many I got.  Maybe fifty, maybe more?  

He then took me the bed and had me lay on my back.  He raised my legs and had me grab a hold so that I was in a diaper position.  He spanked me some more.  This position is particularly painful as the butt is pulled tight and he can (and does) strike at  the top part of my legs just below the butt cheeks.  Again, I don’t know how many I got.  But it was plenty. 

TACK BRA
When he was done, he had me put on my tack bra plus another bra over it.  I have an older bra that is too tight to wear, and instead of getting rid of it, Mike had this idea that it was perfect for tack bra punishments.  I put it on over the tack bra, so it is even more tight.  It presses the tacks more into my skin and just adds to the overall discomfort.  I then was told to stand in the corner and he left the room.

He returned, maybe fifteen minutes or so later.  He told me to get ready for bed and that I was to leave the bra on and I could shower in the morning.  “And when you are ready, you will go to the other room and get to bed as you will be sleeping by yourself tonight.”   
Ug.  Now that hurt more than the throbbing butt or the tacks scratching and poking into my breasts.  Mike rarely imposes this is a punishment and I think I dislike this one more than anything.  While I am just in the next room, it feels so isolating – as if I have been banished and not worthy to be in anyone’s presence.  It really hurts emotionally. 

I got ready for bed and went to the spare room and laid down, ready to go to sleep as best I could with the tack bra still on.  I had never head to sleep with it on before, and in addition to the tacks, the straps were uncomfortable as they were tight around my shoulders.  Fortunately, Mike came into the room just as I was finally dozing off.  

He was naked as is normal.  He told me to sit up.  He was standing over me and as I sat up on the bed he reached around and removed both bras.   We both looked down at my breasts which were covered in tiny polka dots of redness and pock marks.   I don’t think it was his plan, but he reached out and fondled me gently, as to sooth them.   As he fondled, his thumbs rolled over my nipples several times.  As if instinct, I reached out and grabbed his cock and it quickly became hard in my hands.  This is not how my discipline typically goes.  We keep sex and discipline separate, but, it was just one of those things that neither of us planned, and neither of us wanted to stop.

So we had sex.    

When we were done, he kissed me goodnight, had me recite my Evening Mantra, and said he would see me in the morning.  He turned out the light and closed the door behind him.  I no longer felt any isolation.  I felt warm inside…maybe because I literally was, hee- hee.   That feeling of, “Yeah, it’s not my preference to sleep alone tonight, but it is the consequences of my action and of my submission, and I cherish my DD soooo much.”

This morning he was up before I was, which is rare.  He came into the bedroom and woke me.  We hugged, and “all was forgiven.”   

REFLECTION
Once again, I contrast this outcome with the pre-DD outcome.  Pre-DD my snapping would have scored a 9 or 10 snap-scale, and it would have most certainly triggered a bigger argument about semi-related and totally unrelated things.  It would not have resolved itself.  The anger would linger for days, even weeks, before finally suppressing itself waiting for the moment to rear its ugly head in the future. 

Instead.  All is truly forgiven.  Peace, reconciliation, and growth.  Personal growth and growth in our relationship and love for one another.   

You can’t beat that!  

NEXT 281: Why Domestic Discipline? Reflection

279. And baby makes three — age play

279

Click bait!  Yeah, this post is about a baby, but not what you are probably thinking.  Then again, knowing some of you, it may be exactly what you are thinking.  lol

I’ve been dealing with some recurring migraines that now appear to be gone, and my son was sick for a few days.  All that added to my blasé desires for posting lately. 

Life continues to chug along in a pretty uneventful manner.  Of course, for me that means nudity as a nudist, spankings as a submissive, and lots of sex as a…well?  I should just let you fill in the word (re Post 271).  Hee-hee.   

It’s like I’ve stated before.  There just isn’t anything noteworthy or any new revelations I’ve made about myself and my journey with DD.   I am not lamenting the fact – after three plus years of growth and evolution, it’s about time things settled into more of a routine.

My previous post focused on my friend, Valerie.  Since I once again lack anything interesting to say about myself, I will focus this post on a Kayla update.

KAYLA AND IS US
She recently started her second year towards her Master’s degree.  By May she should be done with school and ready to join the ranks of the underpaid working class.

When she moved in with us (it will be two years this December), our discussions centered around the thought she may move out on her own upon graduation as she would look nationally for the best job opportunity.   Now, her thinking is she will stay here.  The job prospects here are fine and more importantly, she wants to live with us indefinitely.  We are 100% on board with that.  

We try to remain cognizant of reality – the reality of our age difference.  To remind everyone – I am 49, Mike is 50, and Kayla is 24.   For me and Mike, we often talk to her about our concerns for experiences she may miss out on regarding life among her peers.  For her, she retorts with all the experiences she has had and will continue to have regarding life with us that she would never be able to experience with her peers.   And it isn’t like she doesn’t have friends a bit closer to her age – she does (well, most are in their early 30’s, but that’s still a lot closer than us).   Bottom line is we love her.  I love her.  And she loves us.  We are three!

I am going to share some very personal things about Kayla, but I have her permission and she reviewed this before I posted it.  

ABDL/AGE-PLAY
I mentioned our foray into ABDL as part of our annual Immersion.  Practically since the time she moved in with us, Kayla has experimented with a bit of age-play and ABDL.  But it was more a curiosity and not as a regular thing.  Well that has changed. 

And she is very open and honest about what she gets from such play.  It serves as a type of therapy for her.  She says she emerges from each “play” session feeling a bit more reconciled with her upbringing.  I’ve shared before that she wasn’t physically or sexually abused, but the emotional abuse came in the form of being ignored and verbally abused – and her mom was/is an alcoholic.   The way she describes it — She leaves our “play” sessions feeling secure and loved as a little girl, replacing  the feelings of insecurity and fright that she experienced as a little girl.    

DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHTS?
I have no insights into age-play.  I don’t know if the value it serves Kayla is common or not.  Although I assume for some it is about reconciling a past trauma, I also assume for some it is simply a fun way to express yourself.  Not all kink is born of trauma. 

All that really matters for us is that it benefits her.  I don’t need to know any more than that as far as my concerns for Kayla go.  However, I am interested in how others feel about this.  So if you are a little, or are a “daddy” or “mommy” to a little, I hope you’ll comment.   

WHAT A SESSION LOOKS LIKE
I’ve read of age-play that can involve hours of play, in an elaborate child-like setting complete with décor and furnishings to match the mood.  That’s not for Kayla (and if it ever is, we are totally willing to accommodate her needs).   

Most of the time our sessions involve just me and her, but Mike has participated at times.  We don’t have any set schedule for this play.  It’s whenever Kayla needs it.   There have been some days we’ve done it two or three times in a day, and some days none at all.  She tells us when she is needing it.

The details vary based on the time we have and whether or not J is home.  Typically it has occurred when J is at school.   It goes something like this . . .

Kayla will simply say, “Can Mommy feed me.”   Although the last few days she now just takes her finger and taps it against her puckered lips as a signal that she is hungry – after all, babies don’t talk!   

I take her by the hand and we go into our spare bedroom.  Yeah, this baby can walk when needed.  I am just not strong enough to carry her.  If Mike is there, he will pick her up and carry her to the room.  

We don’t have it made up to look like a nursery or anything child-like about it, but we have put together a “baby drawer.”  It has a blanket, diapers, baby powder, baby wipes, pacifier, and stuffed animal (it’s a little unicorn).   These things aren’t hidden, but if we are to have guests staying at our house we would obviously remove these contents. 

I spread the blanket on the bed or the floor and she lays down on it on her back.  I put a diaper on her, complete with a few shakes of the baby powder.  I put the pacifier in her mouth, hand her the stuffie, and then go to the kitchen and prepare her bottle.  I warm up some milk and make two bottles and return to the room.

The bed is lengthwise against the wall.  I get on the bed and prop my back up against the wall with some pillows.  She then gets in my arms.  If Mike is there, he lifts her up and places her in my arms.  He might also put on the diaper while I get the bottles.   I cradle her as best I can. She curls her legs in a semi-fetal position with her head resting in my cupped hand, another pillow propping up my elbow.  and the bottom part of her legs and her feet resting on the bed.   Hey, she’s about 5’4” so is just a tad too tall to be fully comfortably cradled in my arms.   

If Mike is there, he sits down in a chair.  We are all quiet.

I position her head in front of my breast.  I lift my breast so that my nipple is on her lips.  She sucks for as long as she needs.  When she stops sucking, it’s my cue to get the bottle.  I hold it just to the side of my breast and she takes the bottle until it is gone.  We change sides to my other breast and repeat this.

It’s all very quiet while she feeds.  Nothing is on in the background.  I sometimes will hum and stroke her hair.  It’s very surreal and serene.  If Mike is there he might comment once or twice during the feeding.  Something positive like, “Look how beautiful she is.”   When the bottles are done I just hold her. 

It’s been amazing.  She has fallen asleep a few times, has even cried a few times from the emotional release it gives her.  Eventually she will get restless – she never speaks – as a way to tell me she wet her diaper.  I change her into a fresh diaper.  I then leave the room (as does Mike if he is there). 

Kayla stays by herself for as long as she needs.  Sometimes she naps or just lays there awhile before getting up.  On a few occasions she has even masturbated.  She eventually gets up and takes off her diaper and emerges from the room when she is ready.  She gets a big hug from us and the play session is over.  

It’s amazing to be part of this experience for her.  Kinky? Sure.  Weird? Fine.  Bizarre? Whatever.  We don’t care what it’s called or how it looks.  It just works for her and I am happy that we can fulfill that need for her.   We will support her as her need for it increases, diminishes, or evolves.

Next: 280. You can’t beat that! A spanking story

278. Spanksome before you threesome

278

Things are in such a good groove!  School year has started off well for J, as well as for Kayla.   We are in a nice routine in all aspects of the household, including the DD.  Yes, an occasional punishment here and there for me, but nothing transformative or worth writing about.   Except perhaps to mention that twice I’ve had to wear clothes during the day to cover marks.   

Right after Immersion I still had some noticeable marks on my butt and thighs, so I only went topless around the house.  J didn’t even ask as he knows we dress (or don’t dress) based on whatever we feel like that day (Reality — any given day Kayla and/or me might need a day or two for marks to fade).    However, J questioned me when I went without bottoms but kept a shirt on.   Yeah, I got a breast punishment recently that left a bruise or two.  It fully faded in a few days.  My answer was that my back was bothering me and I wanted to wear a bra for extra support.   Oh the lies we must tell!

REMEMBER VALERIE?
Without anything noteworthy to report in my DD, I thought I’d talk about someone else’s.   Back in Post 267 I shared that my friend, Valerie, came to me for some “martial advice” of sorts, namely, a “how to” on introducing some elements of DD in her marriage.

Before I get into an update on her….

I re-read Post 267 and saw that it connected a lot of dots with my prior post.  In the post about Valerie I even used the word “suffering” to describe her – she has been “suffering her emotions” for 20-ish years because of society/family/religious influences told her that suffering was righteous and fulling.  That’s just total b.s. and is exactly what those in power want us all to believe.   Anyway, as I shared in the post about her, she had this drive to be “free to be me” as she put it.  She had this burning desire to take all of who she was and present that to her husband, and in return, she wanted all of who he is.  In other words, be 100% vulnerable to each other.  (There, I met my DD Jenny requirement of bringing up vulnerability on every post – hee hee).

I ended that post without insight into how things went when she finally opened up with her husband.  I thought I’d share some insights now that I have them. 

JENNY, DD ESQUIRE 
I helped her in creating a contract of sorts for them.  It wasn’t as formal as mine, but spelled out her Duties and Obligations and gave her husband latitude in determining the punishments.  From everything she says, they are enjoying their journey and feel closer than ever – and they are having more sex than they’ve ever had!   Vulnerability can be very sexy!!    

This led them to also open up with each other about their sexual history and fantasies.  Valerie shared with him that she had sex with women before they were married – and it was more than just a one-time thing.   Her first experience was in high school, then another in college, and one just before they got married – but they were engaged at the time.  She was prepared for him to get upset.  He did not and, in stereotypical style, he thought, “You know, I’ve always wanted to try a threesome.”  

As a quick aside — While it may not be 100%, I bet the 80/20 rule applies here.  Anytime a woman shares with her male partner that she had sex with another woman, 80% of the time the male partner will ask for a threesome.  And the other 20% – well, they will definitely think it in their head!   Men!  hee-hee. 

SEEKING A THIRD?
I took it as a good sign that her husband verbalized this.  It shows a level of vulnerability and trust – or maybe just a level of, “finally, my chance to have a threesome!”   Well, whatever the motivation, he said it.  

I asked her what she thought about it.  She said she’s on board and the deal is Raul (her husband) could watch her and the other woman, and could have sex with her (Valerie), but not the other woman.  With those terms, she was all for it if they could find the right person. 

Valerie said she wasn’t asking me, “since I was married.”  Keep in mind she knows all about  Kayla’s relationship with me and Mike and know that we “swap” in a foursome.  I didn’t question her reasoning and figure she just didn’t want me to be the “third.”  However, she did want my ideas on who might be a good match.   Valerie is a very reserved person, even though she has obviously opened up to her husband, and shared a lot with me.  I could tell that she would be mortified at actually approaching anyone else with this idea.

We ruled out our lunch bunch gal pals because according to her criteria, they are all married.  And she also felt she didn’t want to include any closer friend as it would just be weird and she didn’t know if she could trust her friends to keep quiet as they don’t want this “getting out.”   

I don’t know Valerie and her husband, Raul, well enough to feel I could help play matchmaker with anyone else I know that they don’t know.  I knew right away that I might be the right person for them and I sensed she felt that way too.   I was not in a position to offer that without Mike’s approval.  So I tucked that idea away until talking with Mike. 

Mike said no, for now.  We need to get to know them better – so Raul and Valerie were invited to our first “football day”  last Sunday.  John and Donna agreed we would tone it down as the purpose was just to get to know them better.  There wasn’t any nudity or sex or kink of any kind.  Yawn!!  LOL.   It was just a sort of meet-and-greet.  Even though the only consideration is whether to offer me as a “third” for them, in a lot of ways they would be part of our “Circle of Trust,” or at least partial-members, so certainly we all needed to know them better, especially Mike.

I didn’t tell Valerie that Mike was evaluating them or that I was considering offering myself as their third.   Doing so would be awkward if Mike eventually says no.  And if Valerie flat-out asks me at some point, I will just politely decline, figuring I could always come back later and say I reconsidered.    

NOT ME!
It’s too early to know for sure, but for now, it’s still a “No” from Mike.  We plan on hanging out more with Raul and Valerie, so we will see how it goes.  They are nice, but they do have a different vibe than our current Circle of Trust.   We sense that while clearly they have opened up to each other, they are still uncomfortable (afraid?) to admit it or demonstrate it in any way.   They still put on a very conservative, vanilla front.

Mike feels it’s one of two things.  One, they are unable to be honest in who they are, thus too risky for us to get involved with.  Or Two, they are not being honest with each other, and thus still too risky for us to get involved with.   Not that he expects them to shout their kink from the rooftops, but, they come across as still coming to terms with their own kinks.   That’s just not a good environment to drop a “third” into.

And during our meet and greet another idea came to me.   It just might be that Donna would be a good candidate as their third.  It’s not really Donna’s thing, and I suspect John would have to be there which may be a no-no to Raul and Valerie.  But Donna seemed to hit it off pretty well with Raul and Valerie.  So who knows what’s to come?!

Going back to my prior post, they need to get  to the point they understand their emotions and actions, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  And they just don’t seem to be there yet, not that they can’t get there.   Simply put, they need to gain more confidence in their newfound DD.

They need to walk before they run.  Or is it, look before they leap?  No wait, I got it, it’s spanksome before they threesome!  

ha ha ha ha 

Next: 279. And baby makes three

277. Understanding myself and my submission

277

I think if my blog has one consistent lesson, it is this:

Don’t suggest your husband spank you as you may get what you asked for. 

Ha!  No, that’s not it.  It’s this:

Don’t chew ice.

Okay, not that one either, although if the consequences are “chilling” enough, you might not ever chew ice again.   

Alright, maybe the lesson isn’t a lesson, but a question. 

That question is  —  It is more fruitful to understand our emotions and actions than to hate, ridicule, or ignore them?

Aha!  Yes, that’s it!  And maybe there should be a second part to that sentence of, “… and whether you understand them, hate them, or ignore them, a good spanking can cure what ails you.”   LOL!

IT’S ESOTERIC RAMBLE TIME
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped some Jenny-style psycho-babble.   I’ll do my best to try and make this a coherent as possible, as I have a lot of disparate thoughts rolling around my head.  

I was doing some thinking as I am prone to do, trying to come up with one idea or theme that I felt was the predominant thread in my blog.  Sure, it is a blog about Domestic Discipline, but I feel a consistent theme I’ve gone back to time and time again is that we should take the time to understand our emotions and actions.

Another word for this can be self-awareness, but this word can be tricky.  Your awareness of yourself is always limited.  It is limited by, well. . . by your awareness of yourself.  While you can do things to be more aware – complete awareness can not exist (any Buddhist’s out there may respectfully disagree).   To me, what can exist is a better understanding of yourself.  This becomes a constant journey and not a final destination of 100% self-awareness.

And if you are a long time reader, I will flunk you now and send you to the principals office if you can’t answer the question, “And how does one better understand themselves?   It’s all about the “V'” word –  vulnerability.   

WHAT SELF AWARENESS MEANS TO ME
I don’t want to repeat myself as there are probably a dozen posts dedicated to the “V” word and a dozen others that touch on it.  (Beavis:  “Aa-huh. . . she said touch the V.”  If you need a refresher, here’s one post I often find myself referring back to Post 67.

Vulnerability is only the catalyst.  It is not the end-all, be-all.  It is the catalyst that helps me increase my self-awareness.  And if you buy my definition of self-awareness as being  a “better understanding of oneself,” then vulnerability allows me to better understand myself.

This begs the question, What is it about myself that I am trying to understand?”   

I believe it comes down to me trying to answer this question, “What is giving rise to the different feelings I am having?”   I’ve always been highly self reflective, but I have only been fully honest in my reflection for the last 3-4 years.   It can be very difficult as the things that give rise to your feelings can be highly complex and a combination of external influences and things that are just from our own nature.   Navigating that complexity is made even harder due to the many built in bias’ we all have. 

Here’s a great article on bias.   While not tied to self-awareness, it gives a great lesson on the bias’ we all have.   The point this article helps make is that if you don’t take time to really question yourself, your motives, your feelings, your reactions, you likely will never get to the root of what gave rise to them.  You will discount/ignore any “bad” or unhealthy motivations and assume only the “good” or positive motivations applied to you. Thus transformation/growth is not possible, and ultimately happiness and fulfillment will allude you.  

My drive to try and understand myself comes from a perspective of boiling life down to two choices:

  1. Understand your emotions and let that understanding be transformative and manifest themselves in positive ways. 
  2. Suffer your emotions – hate them, ridicule them, or ignore them, and let them manifest themselves in negative ways.     

And recently I added a third part to this:

3. Understand that #1 and #2 can also apply to those you allow into your life re “understand their emotions or suffer their emotions.” 

If you strive for #1 as I do, keep in mind that if you have done #2 for too long, you may need professional help to break out of it.  That’s the core of what a psychologist and psychiatrist does – it is about helping you understand your emotions.  Doing so requires you to be honest (vulnerable) to them and pour out all your “truths” to them.  Or, you can just be vulnerable to your significant other and let them spank you.  lol

Thus, I am compelled to try and understand my thoughts and emotions behind Active submission vs Passive submission which I wrote about in Post 275.

ACTIVE SUBMISSION?
I think I used the word “Active” because up until recently, practically all my submissive acts were caused by me.  The motivation of those acts were borne in me.  They flowed from within me, and flowed out of me. 

PASSIVE SUBMISSION?
Contrast that with “Passive.”   That is where I find my submissive acts are becoming only partially from me or even not all from me.  That is, they are requirements of Mike to which I am willing to meet.

Both are worthy submissive acts.  Both are fulfilling.  One is not better than the other.  They are like water from a different well.   There is no substantial reason they are different.  But emotions are typically not reasonable.  It is in the emotions where you find the difference.   

If  you are a submissive, it doesn’t matter if you more closely identify as Active vs Passive.  There is no right or wrong way, or even an absolute.  You can be half-and-half, or lean a little, or completely, one way or the other.  It isn’t about what I have come to understand about my emotions.  It is about what you discover when you come to understand yours.   Of course, this is my blog so I will talk about what I’ve come to understand fro mine.

POWER EXCHANGE IS ABHORRENT?
I’ve written that I am finding passive submission is as equally rewarding as active.  As I am beginning to understand it better, the truth is, at least for now, it isn’t!    Passive submission is MORE rewarding to me.  I think the reason has to do with power, and as a submissive, I thrive in giving up power to my husband.

As humans, I think we are wired to derive joy from power.  It’s what makes wanting to be submissive so counter-culture (Post 27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission).   It doesn’t have to be overwhelming power, unless you are an egotistical, unstable, self-absorbed narcissist, but enough about Trump.  It can be as simple as the power of persuasion. Think of the little shot of joy we all get when someone “likes” a post.  It’s like, yeah, at a minimum, I persuaded them to consider what I had to say.   

Whatever it is, it is human nature to derive joy from power.   If you agree, then the antithesis of this is that there is sadness when power is diminished.  Thus, if we lose influence, lose certain controls, it is human nature to become sad.

Therefore — now stick with me — whatever increases our power makes us happy and we value those things as being “good.”  And whatever decreases our power make us sad and we value those things as being “bad.”   

Thus – a person who voluntarily gives up power must be sad, bad, and violating  human nature.   It is only natural to conclude that Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship is abhorrent.   

But for a submissive, there is no joy in retaining and demonstrating power.  It’s more clear said in the positive  — for a submissive, there is joy when power is given away. 

Clearly a submissive defies our natural instinct to enjoy power.   I find it odd that society looks down upon someone who gives up so much power, and looks up to someone who craves total power – even abusing that power along the way.   It is the power-hungry who destroy lives, oppress and harm people for inhumane reason simply because they can.  Far from submissives being “abhorrent,” there is something wrong with those who derive all their joy from power…and that goes for people who idolize (and vote) those that do so.  Deplorables indeed!  I digress. 

Like most things, this is not an absolute.  It is not a choice between “all powerful” and “completely powerless.”   I do not seek to be completely powerless.  I have a voice and I have influence over Mike.  But by evolving from my active submission to my passive submission, I have given up more power.  And that was the final step in reaching the level of submission I was looking for.   

IN CONCLUSION
I’ve been fulfilled each step of our DD journey.  And every step was critical to allowing me to reach this destination point in my journey.  I’ve stated before that when we started, I would have never accepted the level of submission I was at a year into our DD, or two years into it, or now, three-and-a-half years into it. 

I’ve been fortunate in that it seems like I have always had the level of submission that I needed at the time. I believe it is because I remained vulnerable to Mike, and he to me, and we’ve cherished being completely open and honest with each other and most importantly, with ourselves.  It’s about taking time to reflect and trying our best to understand our emotions and actions, and the emotions and actions of each other, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  

Here’s a quote I found that connects the importance of honesty in D/s.  It is from Byron Cane: 

D/s is a true partnership between equals who find things they both enjoy in a loving, respectful and most importantly, honest relationship with full knowledge, consent and trust.

Next: 278. Spanksome before you threesome

276. “My submission” becomes “His Dominance”

276

You’ll want to read the prior post as this picks up where that left off.    Once again, a post filled with arcane thoughts rolling around in my head.  

I WANTED HIM TO FEEL DOMINANT
I’ve had very few punishment spankings the last several months.   I’ve been an extremely compliant submissive!   I was looking forward to the Maintenance spanking with the thought that I’d like Mike to spank me hard.   In addition to just “needing it,” it was the perfect opportunity  – J was away and not to return for a week.  We not only didn’t need to worry about any noise, but I had time for marks to heal.      

I remember telling myself I shouldn’t wish for such a thing since we were starting Immersion the next day.  Surely it will be filled with spanking and assorted physical demands.  But I told myself that those would all be in the context of Immersion.  I wanted one in the context of our “everyday” domestic discipline.  Make sense?  Of course not, but such is the mind of this submissive!

I didn’t say anything to Mike, so I was pleasantly surprised when he used the cane as hard as he did.  (again, refer to prior post for the details of that spanking).  Perfect!  Just what I was hoping for.  And when he repeated it the first time – it was surprising but a perfect surprise!   But the third time?  Then the extra hard ones at the end?   Not what I had in mind.   But something in my head flipped.   Actually, two things flipped

One – I had this feeling of being dominated.  I’ve never felt that.  Instead of me being and feeling submissive, this spanking gave me a feeling of being dominated.   There is a difference.  In that moment this new feeling of being dominated cascaded over me and I loved it and wanted more.   

Two – I had a sense that Mike was feeling dominating.  I’ve never sensed that.  And in that flash of a moment I felt some shame.  Shame in being selfish in my submission.  Up to that point, I always thought of our DD as revolving around my submission.  For the first time, I was seeing it, feeling it,  based fully on Mike’s dominance.   Again, sounds subtle, but the difference is significant.    

And I loved it.  I wanted to feel every ounce of his dominance and wanted to sense every bit of dominance he was feeling.  Thus my request to repeat the caning.

The amount of pain was surpassed by the amount of pleasure.  It was like a whole new sensation for me.  It’s been years since a spanking evoked a new feeling, let alone one this intense and satisfying.  

HE WANTED TO DOMINATE
Afterwards when we talked, Mike said the most amazing thing.  Now remember, I hadn’t said a thing to him about what was going through my head.  Mike said, “Gosh Jen, when we started I planned on just the typical amount for a Maintenance, maybe a little harder, but not more strikes.  Then, I just had this need to give you more, then more, and more again.  Something told me I needed to really get your attention and demonstrate I am in charge.  I don’t know where that came from.  Are you okay?”   

As we talked, it basically came down to a change in Mike in that moment.   Instead of me being his submissive, he wanted to be my Dominant.   He was feeling the exact same thing I was!  It is a spooky coincidence.  Consider that we adopted Domestic Discipline three and half years ago and simultaneously arrived at this need for a monumental shift in our thinking.   Really amazing – at least to me.

He said he felt he needed to give a meaningful Maintenance to instill that Dominance.  There wasn’t anything going on that made him feel like his dominance had been slipping, or that my submission had been lacking.  Far from it, we both have been very happy with where we were.  But, clearly there was something in our subconscious that recognized a need to change the dynamic.   And we amazingly had this “thing” erupt from us at the same time.  It’s more amazing than cumming together!  LOL!

MIKE IS A DOM
With Mike fully recognizing and acknowledging the need to feel Dominant, I suddenly felt the final piece of the puzzle click in.   Coupled with all that I shared previously about “passive submission” I knew I finally arrived.  I was at the level of submission I was always seeking.

This wasn’t a journey to be more submissive for him, it was a journey to be his submissive.   

I’ve touched on that theme before.  I sort of sensed this last October, leading up to our new Agreement.  I even posted about it – Post 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive?  But it took ten months to really get connect with that feeling and both both of us to recognize it’s where we want to be.   Previously, my submission flowed from my desire to be submissive.  Now it flows from my desire for Mike to be my Dominant.   My DD is truly no longer mine.  

I AM CONCEITED – ANOTHER EPIPHANY
There were other contributing factors to my writing funk.  Another is that I was feeling like I sort of betrayed my prior writings.  All the stuff about “My DD” and being the one in control of my dynamic – and now this revelation?  I just felt like a different “DD Jenny,” and in some ways wasn’t unique or special.  As if I was special for doing DD “my way” versus Mike’s way.  I know that sounds so conceited, but I am being honest.

I know that  all the things I’ve learned along the way have contributed to, and were absolutely necessary ,to get me where I am today.  Every experience and emotion shared was authentic and true in that moment.   And who is to say it won’t continue to evolve?   Maybe even devolve back to “My DD.”   I don’t see that happening, but I didn’t see this happening either.

So yeah, that sounds rational, but emotions are rarely rational.  And like I wrote in Post 33, emotions reveal your true essence.  And as part of this epiphany I realize  how conceited and self-centered I can be.  I’ve always sort of known it, but tried to justify it as a positive trait.  It’s probably what makes me so open and is what gives me my bouts of “verbal diarrhea” as Mike calls it when I feel compelled to share every fleeting thought I have.  It isn’t from a lack of shame or over abundant confidence.  It is because I am vain!   There, I admit it.

It was my self-centered thinking that created the condition my marriage was in pre-DD.  It was my self-centered thinking that got us into DD as this was 100% my idea and was started 100% on my terms.   Sure, it all worked out, but unlikewhore,vain is not a term I want to own.

Thus, my new journey in submission is to be the sub that Mike wants me to be, not the sub I want to be.   Sort of a chicken-and-egg thing because the sub I want to be is the sub Mike’s wants me to be.   But unlike the chicken/egg conundrum,  in this case, we know what comes first – Mike!    Yes, there is some balance in order for it to work, but the scales will be tipped less towards me and more towards Mike.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
As monumental as I made all this out to be, the reality is, nothing has changed except my perception.    Even though it feels very comfortable and “perfect” to both me and Mike, our dynamic is still a journey.   It’s now had the benefit of three and half years of being on this trek, so the scenery is familiar, the path is more clear, and there are fewer unknowns.

We follow our typical routines and rules and nothing notable is different.  Mike has said he is very happy where things are and if he feels his dominant mindset is in need of a boost,  he wouldn’t necessarily look to my butt as the remedy!   Much like I would verbalize my need for more submission, he will do the same regarding any need for Dominance.  The result of which is that I may very well offer my butt as remedy!   Hee-hee.   Although I probably shouldn’t laugh as that statement is not rhetorical. 

NEXT!!
This all got me thinking.  I am long overdue for posting an esoteric ramble!  I am already thinking of a doozy!    I’ve been searching deep within myself to better understand my neediness regarding my new perceptions on submission.   I’ve come up with a theory. 

And hey, if you want to start on your own esoteric ramble, here’s some fodder as this is what I think I will write about next — 

We are better off understanding our emotions and actions versus hating them.

Post 277. Understanding myself and my submission