302. Livin’ Libido Loca – Commas over Exclamation Points

HIGH SEXUAL DRIVE
My sexual drive has been off the charts.  From “off the charts low“ to “off the charts high.  Can’t seem to regulate it into some consistent middle ground.  After some time at the “low” end, I am currently riding a big high of sexual energy and appetite.  Luckily my lifestyle presents a daily all you can eat buffet – literally and figuratively speaking.

I know I’ve shared having sex, whether it be with Mike, John, or Matt, as well as with Kayla or Donna.  But I don’t think I’ve really talked directly about my sexual proclivities.  Sharing my fondness of one act or another is likely grounds for turning some of you off.   After all, everyone knows that everyone’s kink is disgusting, except their own.  Well, you will just have to be disgusted because I am in the sharing mood.   Actually, I don’t think I will share a bunch of details, but enough that your imagination can fill in the blanks. 

Lately, I wake up horny, like a ten on a scale of one to ten.  I stay aroused all day, maybe hitting five shortly after an orgasm, but staying around six or seven, even when doing nothing remotely sexual.  The bubbles are always there.  You know, those electrical tingles that rumble and flicker in your tummy and parts south.   While I may put them out of my mind for a moment or two, it doesn’t take much for them to demand my attention. 

Masturbation helps, but I noticed a jump from five back to seven very quickly.  Whereas, having sex with someone seems to keep me at a manageable five for a little longer before the sexual urges slowly start dialing themselves back up.   Hormones!!  or is it, Whore moans?  hee-hee.   Oh, I better not go there, else I may be spanked. 

Suffice to say, I’ve been actively seeking out sex lately, and often one orgasm just isn’t enough.  Fortunately, with my sex dial at maximum, I often climax first, and after reciprocating the delight, I can usually count on my partner to “come through” for me and deliver me a second. 

SEX AND MORE SEX
Mike doesn’t like to go down on me after cumming in or around my hinterlands.  So with him, it typically means my first orgasm is through oral sex and the second through vaginal or anal.   Of course, if Kayla is there, which she often is, she doesn’t hesitate to “clean me up” so to speak.   

Historically, I can reach orgasm from giving oral sex, but it is rare.  It’s far more common lately.  And sometimes I am lucky to have two in quick successions, such as when I am sucking on Mike while Kayla is going to town on me, or vice versa.  And if they aren’t done, it’s a bonus for me to see them through to their orgasm which just might bring me to number three.   

Pre-DD I was never multi-orgasmic.  It was like the orgasm was the exclamation point on the end of the sentence.  Now, it’s more like a comma.  It simply means marks a brief pause and that there is more come..er, I mean, more to come.  And come I do.  hee-hee   

It made for a fun Sunday at John and Donna’s.  Matt was there as well as he still joins us for our Sunday Football (or Sunday Ball’in as the guys lovingly call it).  Yeah, I admit it, I was the center of attention on a mini-gangbang.   Hey, I like it, and Mike loves the cuck.  And it was great because Kayla was there the whole time as well since J was out most of the day with his cousins.   So, between three guys and two women, there typically was always someone ready for another round of fun with me.   It was a nice day of debauchery. 

While I’ve done the “one in each hole” thing before, this time I really got into it.  They each had turns at different “stations of the Jennifer” as I jokingly called it.   I am so bad!  Anyway, that was something new.  

Also, while we keep discipline and sex separate, I have wanted the sex rougher lately.   Like, really getting my ass smacked hard while in doggy, or a harder nipple pulls or breast slaps than usual. I think the aggression and the mix of pain and pleasure helps. And even being handcuffed.  Yummers!   Not my usual sexual m.o., but I am not complaining – and neither is Mike

OTHERS?
It crossed my mind that maybe a new sexual adventure might help quench my thirst.  I thought of my friend Valerie and perhaps offering my help in their quest for a threesome.   However, I advised myself against it.   The friendship vibe I have with her doesn’t seem conducive to a threesome.  Plus, she doesn’t like even talking to me about the things we’ve talked about.  She is very private.  She will sometimes bring up a specific question or comment, but once she is satisfied with an answer, she switches the conversation to more mundane things.   If it is that awkward for her to talk about, then, I can only imagine how uncomfortable she would be with me as the third.  

MIKE’S THOUGHTS?
There aren’t any other prospects out there unless Mike has any requests for me, and he does not.   Mike’s take on my high sex drive has been great.  He can only do so much, and said it’s nice I can find release, however fleeting, without him.   That’s not just the “cuck” in him speaking, but.. well, wait a minute.  Yeah, that would be the “cuck” in him speaking.   ha!   

Although, to be honest, yes, he enjoys sharing me, but it isn’t just that.  He also enjoys my enjoyment, whether it be with Kayla or Donna or one of the other guys.   The way he puts it is he likes seeing me being sexually pleasured whether I am masturbating or having sex with someone else.  He likes to see me and think of me as a sexual being who enjoys sex.  Luckily, I make it so that he doesn’t have to think very hard, hee-hee.  Point is, my pleasure and enjoyment is at the center of his pleasure and enjoyment.  How thoughtful!  lol.

There you have it.  That’s what’s been going on sex-wise.  I hope it levels out soon.  I can’t believe it is almost contract time again!  It will be up on March 17, less than two months away.  If I am still in this sex frenzy, I am afraid it could distort my judgment.   We’ve already talked a little about it and there is not much we plan on changing.  Just codifying a few things that we basically already changed in practice. 

Yeah,  I have a feeling at some point I won’t have the same appreciation as I do today over the thoughts of having a vibrator in me 24×7.   Although I don’t think that is even necessary.  I am so horny that my heartbeat is enough to get me going.  Yep, those electrical tickles are at it again making their way to the hinterlands.   I need to excuse myself. . .

Next: 303. A kink in our routine

301. Pervertables

And now for something completely different.   Okay, not exactly completely.  It is kink related after all.

Classroom participation required!   I want to hear your ideas for pervertables.

WHAT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT PERVERTABLES?
We’ve probably spent close to $4,000 over the last three years on creating and growing our joy-box.  There is the $600 that I shared in Post 43. XXX-Mas shopping, and the whopping $1,540 we spent as chronicled in 130. Growing our Joy Box.  Let alone the nice cabinet (with locks!) that Mike bought to store all this in.   And there have been a few other small purchases along the way.   This doesn’t even address how much I was allowed on new clothes per my dress code or what we spent on my etiquette lessons.

If you are considering expanding your pleasure chest, here’s my thoughts on how meaningful some of our purchases have been or if, in hindsight, I should have stuck with a pervertable.

PERVERTABLE? 
Watch this video from Go Eat a Carrot for a detailed explanation.  Simply put, a pervertable is anything you can repurpose or Macgyver for kinky purposes.   If you aren’t’ familiar with the American slang, Macgyver is a term for improvising.  Such as, “Using a stick, duct tape, nail clippers, and his socks, he Mcgyvered the stalled car to get it running.”   Okay, not a pervertable example, but, I am sure you can think of something kinky to do with a stick, duct tape, nail clippers, and socks.   Discuss!   

So here’s a rundown of my thoughts on pervertables.  

BONDAGE GEAR
We have some handcuffs, restraints, gags, and the more intimidating, spreader bar.  These are more commonly used by or on Kayla as she enjoys being restrained more than I do.  I don’t hate it, but it’s not my go-to thing.   While I gave the spreader bar a try, it’s entirely Kayla’s thing.  

• Bondage Gear Pervertables?
  –  Restraints: Zip ties can be used as restraints but could be hard or to remove or even dangerous if you have to cut them off.  Cheap rope can also be used.
  – Gags:  Get a small wiffleball, you can find them about golf ball sized.  Thread a string through it and tie it around the head.  Viola!  Breathable ball gag. 

My thoughts:  You can try the pervertable, but I believe the real thing is a good kinky investment.  Less likely you’ll get hurt (in a bad way).  I feel our $ was well spent. 

BOOB PLAY
As sung in the Sound of Music. . . “Wartenburg on areolas and firm nipple suckers, tight nipple clippers and warm vacuum cup suction.  Bound, big bosoms tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things.”

(er, no, sorry.  THESE are a few of my favorite things).   I digress.  Point is.  I love breast play and breast punishment. 

• Boob Play Pervertables?
  – Nipple clips:  clothespins, chip clips.  Very inexpensive, and very effective.
  – Suction:   I can’t imagine anything being a good alternative to the real toy, other than a mouth!  But even then, a mouth gets tired!   
  – Wartenburg wheel:   There are plenty of things that can be used for sensation play; feathers, fingernails, clothes of different textures,
• My thoughts:  If this is something you enjoy, spend the money on the real toy.  The exception is the nipple clamps.  Clothespins are inexpensive and are a great substitute.  The only downside is that some nipple clamps come with a mechanism to adjust them so you can customize the grip.  You can’t do that with a pervertable.   Oh, there is also my homemade tack bra.  It took a little effort to make.  A few repairs now and then as my sewing skills are sub-par, but overall, it works fine.   

SPANKING IMPLEMENTS
This is where we probably spent the most money.  Lots of paddles, crops, floggers, etc.    

• Spanking Pervertables?
  –  Belts by far are #1 in my book.  Not just for how effective they are, but there is more of an emotional attachment.  It’s something Mike wears.  It’s his.  I get to see it in public and know where it’s been!  Yummy to think about!    Wooden spoons and hair brushes are tied for my #2.   You can use a long-handled bathbrush too, but beware, some implements may pack a surprising wallop. 
• For the past several months Mike’s go-to is a board he has, pine I think.  About 18 inches long, 3/4 inch thick, and two-and-half inches wide.   Not sure where it came from, just something he had lying around.  But it works great as a paddle.   The only downside is that it is not rounded off for a grip.  It gets uncomfortable for Mike to hold it after a while.   Good thing for my butt!
• My thoughts:   Stock up on spanking pervertables and minimize your purchases of “official” implements. The stuff we bought isn’t used very often.  They were fun to try out and occasionally fun to pull out for different sensations, but for someone who uses spanking as discipline and not part of play, we should have purchased fewer spanking implements.   If your spanking is part of the play, then, yeah, you probably want the real spanking gear.   The real stuff also gives a pleasurable visual.  Looking at a piece of wood just won’t give you the same visceral reaction as seeing him go for the prison strap.
  

VIBRATORS / DILDOS
Vibrators can be expensive.  While you can get some that are more moderately priced, my experience is that pleasure correlates to price.  As does durability.   But what can one do if needing to save on their pleasure budget? 

•  Vibrator pervertables? 
  – Washing machine.  Hee-hee.  I’ve never tried it, but I’ve heard the spin cycle can be really something.  If you need something smaller, I guess a cell phone could work?  Anyone ever actually try that?   Turning the bass up and straddling a subwoofer?  Seems like you’d really have to crank the volume up to make that work.  An electric toothbrush is a good option.  Can be intense and very focused on the clit, so said a teenage Jennifer {cough, cough}.
• Insertable pervertables? 
  –  The vegetable bin in the refrigerator is one place to start.  Yeah, I must admit, I’ve had a cornucopia of phallic edibles up my cooch over my lifetime.   It’s actually been a long time though.   Also, I guess just about anything with a slender handle can work – hairbrush, certain kitchen utensils, etc.   The key is to make sure it isn’t jagged or otherwise dangerous – and long enough not to get lost!    Then there’s always the banister or bedpost finials if you’re adventurous!
• My thoughts: From a vibrator perspective, nothing beats an actual vibrator designed for stimulating a woman’s genitals.  So spend the money!   As for dildos, yeah, there are a lot of pervertables from which to choose,  but many may be too long, too short, too wide, too skinny, or simply too dangerous.   Like, for me, yeah, I’ve got bedpost finials, but, if I wanted to masturbate with them, I would have to be fully effaced!  Ouch!

FINAL THOUGHTS
Sometimes a pervertable has to be used out of necessity.  If you are young and at home, you can’t really have dildos or vibrators or such in your drawer, unless you have really progressive parents.  Or, maybe you have roommates and you don’t want them to know anything about your masturbatory practices.  Or heck, maybe you are even married and want to keep it on the down low.  But if you are willing to have a budget for your joy box, consider where a pervertable will suffice and where the “real toy” is a must.   

I want to hear from some of you?  What have you used, or thought of using, or suggest someone try?   Heck, if I like it, I may be willing to try it, except the finial thing.  That would be a hard no.  

Next: 302.  Livin’ Libido Loca – Commas over Exclamation Points

300. Don da da don! 300th post – and it’s Intense!

Wow.  I never imagined I would do 300 posts.  I thought my need to share was complete at post 13.   Hey, who just muttered, “Yeah, it should have been.”  I heard that.  Be nice!

Yes, this is one of those self-congratulatory “look at me” sort of posts.  Uh, that sort of describes a lot of my posts.  Okay, this is an especially self-congratulatory post.

THE FIRST 100
It was back in December 2016 that I posted #100.  In it, I stated, “I am no longer surprised by my thoughts, desires, and actions.”  Yep.

I boasted of 45,000 views and about 8,800 visitors since starting the blog in April of that year.   My how things have grown. 

THE SECOND 100
Was completed about a year later, in December 2017 when I posted #200 where,  in a rant, I used balloons as an example to explain to my sister why my DD doesn’t buy into the mindset of a misogynistic culture that does little to discourage sexual misconduct by men.  Yeah, I did that.  Balloons.  The connection should be obvious, but if it isn’t, read the post.

Oh, and in the second 100, in between posts about some surprising thought, desire or action, I wrote of how I am no longer surprised by my thoughts, desires and actions.

THE THIRD 100
I did better than balloons!  I wrote of “managing the cans” and even mathematically calculated a Domestic Discipline Readiness Score.  And if that’s not evidence of an insightful yet evolving blog, then surely this is — even more posts about the same topic, vulnerability!

Oh.  And yeah,  more posts on how I am no longer surprised by my thoughts, desires and actions.

TODAY
I am still writing about how I am no longer surprised by my thoughts, desires, and actions.  Well, this time I really mean it.  At least, until something happens that surprises me.

And analogies?  I am great with analogies.  Sometimes my analogies are so good that they are as good as like, as like, . . . whatever.  So yeah, as long as my sisters keep questioning my DD, I will continue to create whatever analogies I can to make my point.

And apparently, it resonates with some of you.  I had 481,000 views from 88,000 visitors in 2018, about double from the year before.  And since the beginning, I have had over 750,000 views.  I could reach a million by mid-year.  Yeah, that’s good for a hit of dopamine or two.  Thank you for that.

MOST POPULAR PAGES IN 2018
Same as last year and by a wide margin.  Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II with 33,807 views.   And the odd thing, the prior post, Part I, only had 2,497.  The difference is Part I talks of my feelings and Part II explains the actual punishment.  Clearly, those who read Part II saw no need to read Part I.  And all this time I thought you were mostly here for my heartfelt journey of rebirth and renewal.  Well, I never!!  

The second most popular was at 9,832 views – a huge gap between #1 and #2.   It must be one where I share my mind-stimulating, life-altering philosophy for endless fulfillment.  Well, no it mustn’t.  Another spanking post re Post 133. Intense Punishment.  Hum.  Is the word “intense” somehow a magnet for views?  I wouldn’t dream of simply adding it to a title just to see if it attracts views. 

And #3 was the first Domestic Discipline Contract I posted, 12. Our DD Contract with 5,613 views.   Yeah! I am proud of my contract!  Hopefully, it serves as fodder for others.  No, not to burn in effigy, but as inspiration for codifying their own dynamic. 

COUNTRIES
U.S. was tops in 2018 by far with 351,801, followed by the UK at 28,776 and Canada at 19,006.  Top countries where English isn’t the primary language was Germany at 9,354, India at 8,006 and Sweden at 4,396.   Way to go Swedes!  Is it perhaps because they love our age gap with Kayla?  This report says they do.  Scandinavians are so cool with their kink, and basically about life in general.  I love the Scandinavian mindset about a lot of things in life.  I often thought if I had to live in some other country, it would likely be one of the Scandinavian or Nordic countries.  I digress.     

SPECIAL THANKS – REFERRERS
The top referrer to my blog was once again Bottomsmarts, a Blogspot blog that is all things spanking.  

Next up on the referrer list is a blog that no longer exists.  It was Ournaturistblog.  They reblogged one of my posts when we were just becoming nudists.  I hope I didn’t so offend their readers that they had to shut down their blog!  hee-hee.  Of course not.  If that were the case, they would just delete their reblog.   It’s too bad they left, as they had some great nudist-culture content.  

Third up is Sayyidsgirl.  Interesting story and someone I chatted with at the beginnings of her journey.  Started out seeking a submissive role, and ended up more as a Domme, or as she puts it, “a switch who dominates.”  

SPECIAL THANKS – COMMENTORS
Naughty Nora topped the comment list and had 1,533 click-throughs to her page.  See, it’s good to make comments!  Check out her great musings on DD in her marriage and kink in general.

Next up was Sweet Girls Journal, another forty-something mother who found bliss in D/s.    And third was so close that I had to include both of them.  Collared Michael and Kdaddy. 

What’s cool about them is that it illustrates a broader community within TTWD.   Both have very different dynamics than me.  Check out Michael and learn about his journey in a FLM, including caged male chastity.  And check out Kdaddy – a bisexual, polyamorous guy providing meaningful insights into his own unique lifestyle.  

SPECIAL THANKS – THE EMAILERS
I won’t name you by name, but you know who you are.  I appreciate those who take the time to email me and share their story, or ask a question, or hound me mercilessly.  Just kidding.  No one does that.  Everyone is so kind and I enjoy every email. 

Thank you, and may the next 100 be as interesting to you as it is cathartic to me.  May they make you laugh in delight rather than puke in disgust!  Goals!

299. PSA – Stop Being so Hard on Yourself

Wow, three days in a row of posting! Yea me!

I ended a prior post with,  “Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. “

I need to add, “Love YOURSELF without limits, and you can then love without limits, and get loved without limits.”

NEGATIVITY BIAS
Sometimes it’s worth taking a break from the salacious kinky stuff and make sure emotionally we are dealing with any negative thoughts that may arise from our hedonism.  I wrote of this in 277. Understanding myself and my submission, and even a bit in 246.  Subconsciousness of Wrong.  I only recently came across an article that has prompted me to revisit that topic

Let’s face it, when it comes to our kinks, society conditions us to feel guilt, shame, and more shame, and then more guilt mixed in with a bit more shame, all in nice big guilt wrapper with a giant shame-bow at the top.  There’s an undeniable negativity bias regarding our feelings when it comes to our kinks.

BIAS BIAS EVERYWHERE
I have always been intrigued by bias.   I believe I included this link before about the 12 Common Biases that Affect How We Make Everyday Decisions.  or perhaps the 15 Logical Fallacies You Should Know Before Getting Into a Debate.  Yeah, we all have biases and we all fall for various logical fallacies at times.  And since no one seems to teach critical thinking, society seems to be falling for more and more of these.  But Trump followers notwithstanding, “negativity bias” is especially insidious.  

“It can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and it can impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging.”  (That sentence sounds better when said with an English accent in my head.  Try it and I think you’ll agree). 

Sure, those aren’t my words, they are from the article.  But it’s saying, negativity bias can literally kill us.   Instead of me giving my dime-store analysis on negativity bias, I encourage you to read the article linked below.  It is absent any kink (sorry you pervs), but has real-world application to everyone, especially kinksters who may sometimes have negative thoughts about their proclivities.

I do want to add this comment though – I consider myself very self-compassionate.  Sure, I tease myself about different things.  Did you know my boobs are saggy?  Yeah, I’ve never mentioned it, except maybe once or a hundred times.  hee-hee.  Anyway, my favorite line of this article is that self-compassion spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.

I think my Domestic Discipline journey has been all about positive adjustments in the face of regrets.  In fact, being spanked is in many ways a positive adjustment in the face of regret.    Yeah, I just connected self-compassion with allowing my husband to spank me.  {Mic drop}.

Okay, enough from me.  I strongly encourage you to check out this article.

Next: 300. Don da da don! 300th post – and it’s Intense!

 

298. Beware I.S.D.’s – Improvised Spanking Device

Trying my best to shake my posting doldrums per my last post.   I thought it would be a good time to share a spanking, just in case you might wonder if I am still spanked.  Actually, that’s not why.  It’s because I know without an occasional spanking story, you spankos will leave me.  Be honest.  Yes, I am talking about you.  Although sorry if this one disappoints, not really a lot to this one. 

So I got this spanking yesterday.   Not a big deal, sort of a typical spanking.  No catharsis or anything like that.  But it was with a new implement of sorts, so I thought it blogworthy.  

Mike used the dog leash.  I was spanked because I forgot to walk the dogs – part of my scheduled routine.   In fairness, my schedule got off track because something came up and I had to run to J’s school.  I had errands to run and figured it best to just do them after I was done at the school.  Well, once the routine was all off, I was, well, out of my routine.  Thus I completely forgot to walk the dogs. 

Even worse, I forgot that I forgot.  It wasn’t until Monday when I went to walk them that it dawned on me that I didn’t walk them on Friday.   Of course, I had to inform Mike of this. 

Always looking to try and have the punishment fit the crime, he had me fetch the dog leash.  Having never used it before to spank me, he gave me three swats with it and then asked me how it felt.  “Wonderful.  Give me lots more please!”  Just kidding, I didn’t say that.   It was more like, “It’s fine, Sir, you can continue.”  (Tip: always test out improvised spanking devices least you avoid painful welts on your boobs, not that there’s anything wrong with that if that’s what you like).

I then got 15 in quick succession, no pause in between.  About halfway through I started to squeal a little, and then a little more, and a little more.  It wasn’t too loud (J was home), but reflected just how much it stung.  It was more like a whip than a spank. 

Mike then lectured me, and then said those 15 were for forgetting to walk the dogs, and I would now get more for forgetting that I forgot.  He said they would be harder than the first set, and they were.  Fortunately, he stopped at 7.  I had three or four pink stripes across my butt.

As it has been cold, it isn’t uncommon for any one or more of us to wear some clothes around the house.  Naturism be damned as sometimes you just gotta keep warm.   So J didn’t question why I was covered and had to stay covered the next day before the marks were sufficiently gone.  

So there you go, a spanking story!  And a short post from Jen!

No waxing philosophical and no ramblings about feelings of a humbling deliverance.   I shall eschew the obfuscation of a non sequitur, and minimize my predisposition for acute prolixity.  Yes, indeed.  This is the end of this spanking story.

Or maybe not.  You know, this got me thinking. . .  nah, never mind. 

Next: 299.  PSA – Stop Being so Hard on Yourself

297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

296. Piercings and Pubes

If you haven’t figured out by now, I lack an ability to be succinct.   I am not one to say in a few words what I can exhaustively analyze, deconstruct, and put back together in hundreds of words.  See, even then I couldn’t just leave it as an inability to be succinct.

I thought this would be a quick post.  Simply to state that I let my nipple piercings close and have been growing my pubic hair.    

Done.  End of post!

Not.

JEN IS EMBARRASSED?
I am not one to normally feel self-conscious about things, whether it is what people think about TTWD, or about my appearance, or really about anything.   However – I found myself becoming more self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic hair.  

It’s ironic that our nudism was part of the trigger for this uneasiness.  After all, I’ve found that nudism makes you less self-conscious and more accepting of your body.   Yeah, I get it.  I can try to rationalize away my uneasiness, but sometimes, you just can’t.  You feel what you feel and you just have to deal!  Emotions don’t care about logic.   

Pre-nudism, my piercings and pubic hair were private and limited to the purview of those involved in TTWD.  But now that we are full-fledged nudists, well, it ain’t so private anymore!  And had a growing self-perception was that I was putting out a message that didn’t represent me or my thoughts.  Something had to change.  Those thoughts weren’t changing, so, the piercings had to go, and the hair had to return. 

HAIR DOWN THAIR
For the longest time, Mike had me and Kayla with the same “look” down there, whether it be hair or no hair.  But then Mike went through a phase where he had one of us sporting one look while the other sports another.  “Visual variety” as he calls it!   Um, okay, as if our different physiques weren’t visual enough.  Mine is not to question why.  Mine is but to do or get spanked!   lol

My self-consciousness over this started when I was bare and Kayla was bushy.  It started to feel to me like I was putting out the perception that I was trying too hard to do what the young folks do.  

And it wasn’t just my mind comparing myself to Kayla.  When we are at T & E’s farm, I am often the only one bare down there.   At times the 17-year old has been bare, but it messes with my mind either way.  When she is bare, I feel like I am trying to “style” myself after the teenager.  When she doesn’t, it compounds my self-consciousness that I am the odd one.  

NIFTY 50
Part of what was going through my mind is that I am going to be 50 later this year.  I also think my tattoo added another wrinkle to a weakened psyche.  Not to say a 50-year old can’t rock a new tat along with her nipple piercings and bare pussy. . . but THIS 50-year old?  Why do I want piercings drawing more attention to my vein-marbled-droopy-boobies along with looking like I am trying really hard to “compete” with Kayla?

Adding to what was influencing my emotions — I am only around naked women who are younger than me, and sometimes much younger.  Kayla is the 24-year old with the awesome figure, yet no nipple piercings.  (She did pierce her nipples and clit shortly after moving in with us, but let them close-up only after a few months).  

Again, I get it.  I know there is nothing wrong with anyone of any age piercing whatever they want to pierce, or having their pubic hair in whatever shape or length that they want, or getting a new tattoo at any age.    It was just for me, all this added up to something my psyche wasn’t comfortable with it. 

THE GUYS?
For whatever reason, the pube situation in the men and boys has no influence over my uneasiness.  If you are keeping score, you can mark down Mike as one who goes back and forth with his look.  Frankly, he would probably leave it grown out but Kayla enjoys shaving him and he never refuses when she asks.  And as for other menfolk, it’s a mixed bag of various looks from bare to full to all things in-between.  

MIKE’S SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
In discussing this with Mike, he shared that he also was starting to feel a bit self-conscious about the pube thing, but with Kayla.  He said the first time we were around others and Kayla was bare and I wasn’t, he started to think others might be inclined to think he wants Kayla to look like a little girl.  Like, it isn’t enough that she is so much younger than him, and is very youthful in her physique, but she makes herself look more like a little girl.  Wow, that never crossed my mind, but once he said it, I too had a hard time getting it out of my mind.

REFLECTION
We both know that the chances are good these thoughts are only in our mind and not what others are thinking.  And even if they aren’t thinking such things, so what?  Right?  Well, again, you can’t rationalize away some thoughts.   

It would be different for us if the “others” we are talking about were strangers at a nudist beach or kink-friends involved in TTWD.   But we are a family of nudists in a growing family of nudists.  I think that’s why, in this particular situation, I am more sensitive to thinking about what others might be thinking. 

I don’t mind people thinking odd or ill thoughts of me regarding our relationship with Kayla or any aspect of TTWD that they may be privy too.   If they don’t like it, well, too bad.   But, it bothers me to think that others may believe that I feel I am in competition with Kayla, and it bothers Mike to think others may believe he is into little girls.   To be clear, no one has ever indicated or implied any such things.   These are just things in our minds, but they are powerful enough that we have addressed them. 

And don’t think I am some fragile self-conscious timid and insecure person.   I am not.  But when it comes to my nipple piercings and my bare pubic area —  well, guilty!  

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW?
So piercings are gone and hair is growing back. 

I remain committed to sporting whatever type of pubic hair, or lack thereof, that Mike wishes, and will pierce whatever part of my body he wants me to pierce.  But for now, he has allowed me to remove the piercings.  And he had Kayla shave so that both she and I were bare together, and then we both have been growing it in for about a month now.

I sense at some point I will look back at this and not relate to feeling self-conscious and find my feelings silly.  But frankly, it is not up to me anyway.  I will share with Mike whatever it is I am felling at whatever time he may ask about it, and will abide by his demands.   I just hope he doesn’t ask for a bejeweled butterfly a la the image I used on this post!  Then again, maybe I can usher in a new trend for the newly 50-somethings!

Next: Post 297. Love without Limits.  My Ode to Blogging. 

295. The one about the comment (the “Fuck You John” troll)

I wrestled with whether I was going to do a post about this, but clearly, my internal “Post it” camp beat out the “Don’t Post it” camp.

You have to read the comments by “Inspired by Music” on Post 289. The Holidays- Thanksgiving.

I really feel for her as she obviously was messed up by her experience with some guy named John, who she mistook me for.   With each successive comment, I began to worry that what I said could actually influence her emotional and possibly physical well being.  It was a bit unsettling for me, but I imagine even more so for her, as initially, she believed I was John (and maybe still does?).     

She stopped commenting and I never received an email from her.  She also deleted her own blog which had a handful of posts.  I think she finally accepted that I was not this John fellow.   I am going off that assumption and thus decided to do this post. 

Her comments definitely have me wanting more.  Who is John?  What other blogs has she thought were him?  Were any of them actually him?  What is it that I have in common with him that made my blog feel like John wrote it?    What did John do to her?  What’s her story?  

I hope she is able to move beyond her disgust for John and see the humor in the mistaken identity.  If not, at least I hope that you do.  Take a look at those comments. 

Wow, a short post by Jen!  (Hey, I heard that!).  

.

.

.

or is it John?   lol.

Next Post:  296. Piercings and Pubes

294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex

KEEPING THE OVARIES
No hysterectomy!  I rescheduled back in October because I felt uneasy.  Not sure exactly what it was, but something in me left me unconvinced that it was the right thing for me.

After more reflection and continued dealing with various lady-part problems and symptoms, I decided I should move ahead with it; after all, the doctor was clear that I would benefit.  It was set for December. 

The hospital called the day before the surgery to go over the intake process.  I was ready.  About an hour later, my phone rings and it is the doctor’s office.  My doctor, whom I’ve had for about 22-years and who delivered two of my children, was “no longer with this practice.”  Surgery is canceled.  I would have to schedule a consultation with a new doctor and see what they recommended.   WTF??

As it turned out, they fired my doctor for performing unnecessary surgeries.  After my consult with the new doctor, she made it clear to me – a hysterectomy was not indicated based on my medical issues.  Many of my symptoms were just menopause related, and those that weren’t directly related could be treated with various meds and/or therapies.  JUST AS I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.

I learned a long time ago that no one knows your body better than you, not even your doctor.  And doctors can be wrong.  Medicine is not 100% science.  There is an art to it and the artisan skills are molded by the logical fallacies humans are predisposed to when we aren’t diligent to avoid them.  Add to it, even the most “flawless” doctor can’t account for everything.  Then throw in the possibility that some doctors may be motivated by something other than the standards of care. 

Moral of the story.  Trust yourself regarding your own body!  If something doesn’t sound right to you, get a second opinion!

Side note — my new doc is a female, a first for me.  I don’t know why, but, I had always preferred a male gynecologist.  I liked my new doctor and plan to stick with her (and female gyno’s going forward).  Oh – and in case you wonder – I’ve been honest with my doctors about my sexual activities.  I am sure my new doctor had quite the story to tell her husband when she got home!

IN A RELATED STORY
I had very little sexual desire through much of October and December.  In fact, I had little motivation to do much anything.  If not for my dedication to Duties and Obligations, it would have been a very lazy and unfulfilling Fall.

This lack of overall desire for much of anything was also one more piece of why my blogging respite went on for so long.  I was unmotivated to blog or do much of anything.  Finally, with my hormones in order, things have returned to normal.  Well, my version of normal anyway!  lol. 

The experience provided me with a unique perspective.

SEX WITHOUT SEXUAL ENERGY
We’ve all likely had times where we weren’t feeling frisky, but this went way beyond that.  I lacked any sexual response to sex.  Emotionally I wasn’t feeling it, and that lack of emotion had physical manifestations.  My nipples didn’t perk up, heart rate and breathing didn’t accelerate,  I didn’t get that “flush” feeling in my stomach, chest, or face, and no tensing of the muscles in my thighs and hips, no tingling in my nether-regions.  . . and certainly no orgasm.

I didn’t feel connected to my own body.  It all felt a bit impersonal.   Sounds awful, yes?

Well, actually. . . No.  It could have been awful if it went on longer, or if I feared it might be permanent.  I somehow knew it was all just related to hormones and compounded by the death of my father. 

I made the best of it.  After all, it wasn’t like I had a negative response to sex.  I wasn’t feeling guilt, sadness, or disillusion regarding sexual activity.  I just had no feelings at all, one way or the other.  I was this sexually emotionless body going through the motions.  No excitement, no plateau, no orgasm, no post-coital bliss.  And it was great!  Okay, great is an overstatement.  But, it was good.  

HOW TO HAVE FULFILLING “JOYLESS” SEX
I discovered a key ingredient that makes for fulfilling sex despite an absence of sexual energy.  Intimacy!    I still felt intimacy but in a whole new way.

I found myself 100% focused on the other person.  I felt the rhythm of every movement they made.  I felt the heat of every breath they took.   I felt the crescendo of sex in them. And I experienced their orgasm in a way that I can’t adequately describe other than to say it was very fulfilling.  (This is when I wish I had more literary skills as “very fulfilling” just doesn’t do it justice).

In addition to the feelings, there were the observations.  I mean, think about it, how often do you really watch the other person and think about every little thing you are seeing.  Sure, a glimpse or thought here and there, but I am talking about a prolonged look.   The closest I’ve come to this is in threesomes or group settings when I watch others, but typically I am also part of the sexual energy as well.  To be part of it all but not feel any of that sexual energy made for a very different experience.

I am not one to only focus on myself during sex; however, I have never been 100% focused on the other person.  Let’s be honest.  You can’t help but feel the tingles, the yearnings, and all that comes with the crescendo that ends in your own climax.  Since I wasn’t feeling any of those things, 100% of my focus was on the other person.

In some ways, it felt a bit clinical.  Like I was observing others having sex, even though I was part of it.  But it also felt like I was connecting with the other person in a new and more profound way.   Instead of experiencing sex from my point of view, (a point of view driven by all the electricity going through my body), I was experiencing it from their point of view and I was fully tuned into the electricity going through their body.   

While it was wonderful to be exclusively focused on their enjoyment, at times it felt more like I was simply providing a service.  After all, I was doing something solely for their benefit, absent any sexual satisfaction of my own.  Normally, the feeling of service will tickle my submissive spot, but that spot was also numb during this time. 

JOYLESS SUBMISSION?
Yeah, I wasn’t feeling particularly submissive throughout this period.  It made it difficult to get through my chores each day until I found new motivation.  Since submission by itself wasn’t motivation enough, where could I find it?  

I found it through my dedication to my submission.  I took it all as a new challenge.  Basically, performing my Duties and Obligations absent my normal joy would become my new act of submission.   In other words, I wanted to demonstrate to myself a new level of commitment to my DD by adhering to all my Duties and Obligations at a time I just wasn’t feeling it. 

I’ve done that before, but that was only mild ebbs and flows of “not feeling it.”  This time, it was a tsunami of “not feeling it.”

I WAS LUCKY
The moment I first felt the hint of indifference I chalked it up to hormones and felt confident it was temporary.  I think that is why I was able to experience this in an upbeat manner.  I can imagine how hard such an occurrence could be on other women who can’t put their finger on the cause or worry that it may be permanent.

I also think about what this experience would have been like pre-DD.  While I believe I’ve always been fairly well intuned with my body, that wasn’t always the case when it came to sexual energy.   This would have caused me a lot of self-doubts and stress, which would only compound all the issues.

Further, I doubt I would have been as vocal in sharing my funk with Mike, thus he would have been largely in the dark over what was going on with me.  All he would see is an unattentive wife, in the household and in bed.  I am sure tensions would start to run high, an outburst here, an argument there.   Yeah, it would be have been bad.

MORE KUDOS FOR MY DD
I was motivated to demonstrate a new level of commitment to serving Mike.  Yes, I wanted to show him, but more importantly, I wanted to prove it to myself.   And yes, it definitely helped that this was backed up by knowing there would be consequences (i.e. spankings) for failing in my Duties and Obligations. 

My DD helped this be a positive experience, albeit one that I am glad has ended.  I mean, a girl needs the excitement of the build-up, the plateau, the climax, and the post-coital bliss.  Okay, let’s be honest, while that other stuff is nice, it’s the “BIG O” that I missed the most!  

Next: 295. The one about the comment

293. Love is not Pie

2+1 DOES NOT EQUAL 3?
Kayla’s submission continues to evolve based on her needs and desires, not mine.  That is how it should be.  Her rules and rituals have a greater mix of M/s than do mine.  And out of love and concern, there have been times I have asked questions and provided my own insights and thoughts.        

Mike not only welcomed this but also solicited my advice, as did Kayla.  I was encouraged to speak up and speak often.   After all, we all had a lot to learn.  It’s one thing for me and Mike to experiment and learn within the backdrop of a 25+ year marriage.  It’s another when you are talking about a brand new relationship with someone over 25 years younger than you.   So yeah, any additional insights were valued by everyone.   But people grow and relationships evolve.  

I was slow in fully recognizing the growth and evolution.  It should have been more apparent to me, especially after our Relationship Bonding Ceremony, a ceremony designed to publicly recognize and acknowledge that growth and evolution.  (See my P.S. below re that Ceremony).   And by slow, consider that it was a year ago when I shared a somewhat similar situation.  You think I’d have figured it out sooner.  (Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year).

With what I shared on my prior post, it is finally very clear to me — my feedback is no longer needed, nor appropriate, at least in the manner in which I previously provided it. 

It’s about understanding that our relationship is NOT three separate relationships (Mike/me, Mike/Kayla, Kayla/me).  It is ONE relationship with three people.   In other words, it isn’t that 2 + 1 = 3.  It is that 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.   In math, it’s the same, but in relationships, the difference is night and day.

ON TO THE PUNISHMENT
Okay, so what was the punishment she received that had me concerned?

Mike took a lot of vacation time in December as he needed to use it up or lose it.   A few weeks ago while J was at school, Kayla asked Mike for permission to go to the bathroom, as is customary.  Instead of the typical, “You may go,” Mike, he told her, “Go get a diaper, put it on, and return here.”   This is not something he had ever previously commanded. 

Kayla responded, “But Sir…”

Mike cut her off, told her to bend over, and he spanked her with his hand about ten times in quick succession.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No Sir,” and she did as she was told and returned wearing the diaper.

“Now, go. Right here, right now.  Go,” Mike ordered.

“Sir, I need…”

Mike again cut her off.  “Pull down that diaper and bend over.”  He spanked her again by hand, at least thirty times.    He then reminded her that if she has important information to share, she needs to know how to properly share it.

There are no “buts” when it comes to responding to Mike.  We never respond with a “but.”  For me, I always try to remember to replace “and” with “but.”   Instead of, “No Sir, but…”  It is, “Yes Sir, and. . . ”  Sometimes it’s hard to remember this when he asks something unexpected, and his request clearly caught Kayla (and me) off guard.

This time Kayla said, “Sir, I have something I would like to tell you that you might find important to your demand that I go in my diaper.”

Simply put, she had to poop, not just pee.  Mike’s response was, “That changes nothing. Let me know when you are done.”   She complied.  And even stranger for both Kayla and me was that Mike took care of cleaning her.  Diaper play, at least when it comes to a bowel movement, has almost exclusively been limited to our Immersions,  and even then, Mike didn’t partake in any cleanup.

I was puzzled but didn’t say anything at the time, but as I shared in my prior post, I used our Maintenance to question it.  

LOVE IS NOT PIE
I have always felt that love is not pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared. 

While labels are always tricky, they do help serve as a sort of compass, to at least give us general direction.  And the needle of our relationship is now pointing a bit less toward polyamory, and a bit more towards polygamy.   Obviously not in any legal way – but in a way that more accurately describes our relationship.  

I am happy about the evolution of our relationship.  I am sure it will continue to grow, nurtured by love and respect.  Oh, and submission to Mike!   

P.S.  I just realized!  I never really posted about the party we had in mid-October.  We invited friends and family over for a party that we promoted and celebrated as a recognition of our relationship with Kayla.  It was our way of saying we are not doing anything to try to hide what she means to us.  Our family knows.  Mike’s co-workers know.  Our friends know.  We memorialized it with the tattoos I shared on that post.
It was a lot of fun and felt very rewarding.  While it meant a lot to me and Mike, it meant even more to Kayla.

Next: Post 294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex