Tag Archives: swingers

306. Cuck, Swinging, and NRE. Huh???

306

HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
I’ll save all the “I’ve been busy” stuff.    It will likely stay like that for a while, but today,  “Yea!  I got some ‘me’ time.” 

Mike decreed a day off for me.  No appointments, no commitments, no chores.  Mike took Kayla and J out for the entire day so it’s just me at home by myself.  So, I slept in a bit, which was really nice, and I surfed some television and had a relaxing morning.  And now I am blogging!    

With so much to share, I wasn’t sure where to start.   How about a bit of Jenny-rant on the topic of swinging?   Anyone?   Okay,  that’s one, two… alright, swinging it is!

CUCKS OR SWINGERS?
First a vocabulary check.  What’s the diff between cuck and swinging?  The line is fuzzy and there is overlap.  In my observation, like with most labels, the differences are more clear at the extremes. 

A “pure” cuckold never participates in the sex and either simply knows their partner is with someone or perhaps even watches.  They may not even have any say over who their partner is with. The less control, the greater the “cuck” and it can have strong feelings of humiliation for the cuck, which they thrive on.  Contrast that with a “pure” swinger who is a couple who likely agree on their own “rules of engagement” regarding the sex they both have with others.  No humiliation, just mutual sexual enjoyment with others.  

Thus, I describe TTWD to be both cuckolding and swinging, depending on the context.  Philosophically we feel more aligned with swinging than cuck, but, our swinging definitely can include cuck.  Clearly, we are not Swinger-purists.  So there you have it!  

WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS?!?
I was prompted to give this topic some thought because we recently expanded our “Circle of Trust” and have some new friends in our life.  I am sure I will write about them at some point.  As this couple was new to the lifestyle, I was put in a position to answer the question, “Why?” 

Great question.

WHY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE?
I shared a little bit about my thoughts on this topic back on Post 237.  Weird in a Good Way.   But I figured I should explore those thoughts a bit deeper. 

I researched swinging when we first opened up our marriage about three years ago because I had that same question.  But now I had to answer it to someone else.  I am sharing the concept that I shared with the couple who asked me this.  I’d love to give credit to wherever I first read about these concepts, but I don’t know where it was.  Of course, I’ve added my own opinions to it.  Here’s how I internalized all that I recall reading about and how I answered the question, “Why have an open marriage?”

Quick disclaimer – I am not saying why you SHOULD have an open marriage.  I am simply answering the question of why I do. 

DESIRE VERSUS COMMITMENT
It comes down to desire versus commitment

Desire:  It’s all the sizzle. . . 

  • It is the promise that comes with novelty
  • It is the anticipation that comes with mystery
  • It is the excitement that comes with the unknown  
  • It is the endless possibilities of our imagination
  • It is the pain of yearning that comes with distance from the object of your desire 
  • It is the challenge of a puzzle that beckons to be solved  
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person we desire

Commitment:   It’s all the “boring” stuff. . . 

  • It is the familiarity of routine
  • It is the security of the known and predictable
  • It is the comfort of a foregone conclusion
  • It is the constant closeness that precludes distance
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person to which we are committed

The “desire” that I describe is often summed up as NRE – New Relationship Energy.  It tends to ONLY exist at the beginning of a relationship.  If the relationship continues, it evolves into the Commitment phase.  The only constant is the attraction.  Yes, you are still attracted to the person, but, all the sizzle, all that NRE, is long gone.   Simply put, everything that really turns us about someone — I mean, really lights that fire of desire in our belly — eventually fades.  

Mystery becomes familiarity, novelty becomes routine, uncertainty becomes security, anticipation becomes a foregone conclusion, and the yearning of distance gets contracted into a near constant closeness.

The more attached we become to someone, the more we fear to lose them.  To keep from losing them, we increase our commitment to them.  In turn, if they fear losing us, they increase their commitment to you.   By default, this increase in commitment decreases desire.   Relationship rules and expectations begin to form to help us maintain commitment.  These rules and expectations become a subconscious way we place controls on each other.  Controls meant to add certainty, add familiarity, i.e., to add commitment.    

We think commitment alone will keep our relationship safe.  In fact, it can destroy the things that turned us on at the beginning of the relationship.  It’s ironic that we want to know everything about someone so that there is no mystery, and by doing so, we choke the life out of our desire for them. 

The relationship controls that we willingly accept in order to show and maintain our commitment can actually turn us off.  Those controls can eventually choke the desire out of our own daily routine and impact how we view ourselves.  They can fester and grow into resentments and feelings that actually undermine our commitment to the other person.         

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
About four years ago when I connected to all that I have stated here, in Jenny style I looked at it as a problem to be solved.  We adopted DD and eventually opened up our relationship.  Opened it first to each other, then to others.   We did it by increasing the desire in our relationship. 

We didn’t just increase one or two of those components but increased ALL of them.   I am sure there are countless other ways we could have done that, but, the way that resonated with me and with Mike was via sharing ourselves sexually.  First, 100% with each other (complete transparent communication and vulnerability)  and then, yes, even sharing ourselves sexually with others.   

This immediately and instantly increased every piece of the “desire equation” that I referenced in the above bullets. Instant NRE!   And the cuck element is that we each feed off the energy of the other and find immense pleasure in the others pleasure.  We also get a thrill from the taboo of it all.

Mike finds me irresistible when I find someone else attractive or I want to explore sexually with someone – or he tells me to explore and I comply.  It’s full of mystery…What will it be like?  Will I like it?  What does the future hold?    Everything is new, nothing is certain and the implicit danger and taboo enhances the erotic appeal.  It’s a full-on adrenaline release.  And I feel the same about him.  

And whether we are watching the other or simply knowing the other is with someone, the lack of togetherness actually stokes the flames of desire.  It raises the feelings of passion we have towards each other.  It revives our routine, it opens us up to further sexual experiences and exploration together.   BUT…

WARNING – RISKS!
It does have risks if you don’t have the right foundation for commitment.   And because we first started with 100% openness towards each other and made ourselves 100% vulnerable to the other,  we developed complete and total trust in one another.   That foundation of an unbreakable commitment to each other allows us to explore life in endless ways, including sexual, without fear of losing that commitment from the other person.   And all that exploration, whether sexual or not, only serves to flame our desire for each other.  Thus we maintain BOTH desire and commitment towards each other.  That’s very special and something we both cherish.

Next 307. Posting Blues

74. Interview with Sir

notes

I figured I’d change this up and share a conversation I had with Mike, but in the form of an interview.  I asked him if I could do a Q&A and share it with you all, and this is the result. I hope you enjoy.

After reading it I think my interview skills are lame, so if there are other questions you would have, let me know.  

Jen:  What did you think when I first suggested DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I didn’t know what to think.  I wasn’t sure what you really meant, how far you wanted to take it, or any of that.  My initial reaction was to try to understand what you were feeling and what you felt it would help address, and then, it was all about understanding what DD was in general, let alone the version you wanted for yourself.   What do you think about my initial reaction?

Jen:   Hey, I am asking the questions, Sir, but as always, I was amused by how serious you took it.  You didn’t seem aroused by the sexual overtones or shocked by the fact I was willing to be submissive.    You approached it in your matter-of-fact style you approach everything.   Why do you think that was?

Mike:  You know my style has been to always try to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.   This was no different.  I really wanted to understand what it all means, what YOU meant by it, and then form my own thoughts and feelings about it. 

Jen:  And once you formed those thoughts and feelings, what did you think?

Mike:  As you know, I was for it.  You were very fervent in your belief on what it could do for you and for us.  It was convincing.   Once I understood what it meant and what it meant to you, then I was able to let my imagination run a bit and think about the possibilities.  Honestly, it was a turn on, but even so, I wasn’t sure how far you really would go with it.

Jen:  That’s my Sir, mister analyze and survey the area before making a decision.

Mike: Yes, and when it comes to our relationship, I think that is why in the past you’ve perceived me as more submissive.  I am not prone to just give you my off the cuff reaction to something.  I’ll hear you out and, because I love you, my inclination is to look for ways to make you happy and have what you want. 

Jen: Has it been difficult to adjust to being Dominant?

Mike:  Yes, but clearly you’ve had to make the far greater adjustment, so, anything I had to adjust to pales in comparison.  

Jen:   Thank you for recognizing that, Sir, but tell me about the adjustments you had to made?

Mike:  It really comes down to having to be more assertive, and when assertive,  I don’t always have time to think through a situation for the length of time as I’ve been accustomed to thinking things through.  And, I don’t always seek understanding when coming to a conclusion.  I simply seek to be understood as quickly and clearly as possible.  It means I have to not only make quick decisions, whether it means to give you quick instructions or a quick punishment, but I have to do so very emphatically and with confidence.  

Jen:  How has that impacted you?

Mike:  It helps in that I know that you know I won’t be perfect.  That the way we structured things allows you to give me feedback and help me know what I need to do better.   At first I needed a lot of validation in what I was doing.  We finally reached a point where I don’t rely on that validation.  I still like to hear it, but it isn’t a requirement anymore.  Early on, I needed you to help guide me so I that I understood that I was actually delivering what you were looking for.

Jen:  And if you have to sum it up, what is it that I was looking for, and still want?

Mike:  You want to truly serve me.  The real me.  Not that version of me that may suppress my inclinations or desires in favor of yours, but the actual me.  And I learned that it is okay if I am irrational at times, as that is part of being human.  For some time I had this thought that you would think less of me if I asked you to do something or if I did something to you that you didn’t like.  It took me some time to know that you wanted me to show you all of myself, all of my thoughts and desires, and that you were completely willing to fulfill them.   When I think of how I was prior to DD, I think part of what you were missing is that I wasn’t giving you all of me.  It seems odd, but, by you giving all of yourself, it has made me reveal all of myself.   You know every impulse I have, and you not only accept them, but you embrace them.  I am very lucky to have you.

Jen:  Aw, shucks.  Thank you, Sir.   How would you sum up our differences?

Mike:  That’s easy, I’ve said it many times before.  I was raised to value planning.  I thought things through, planned what I was going to do, and then executed the plan.  I did this to avoid mistakes in life.
You, on the other hand, were raised that if you aren’t making enough mistakes in life, you aren’t living.   That’s what always attracted me to you.  Much more impulse, less thinking.  While it is still my nature to be planning oriented, you’ve helped me be more spontaneous and less concerned with negative consequences.  Our DD has taken that to another level, especially our evolution towards a more D/s relationship.   And it has influenced me outside the house.  At work I am far more decisive and commanding.  While I’ve been in a leadership role for most of my career, I believe I am far more effective now than say two years ago.   

Jen:  So you are more dominant at work?

Mike:  No, I wouldn’t call my style more dominant, just more decisive.  I am deciding things faster and more decisively than before.   I still get all the appropriate inputs, but I don’t dwell on them for as long.

Jen:  What do you like most about our DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I do enjoy the control.  Who wouldn’t?   It is empowering to be given such control over someone.  But it isn’t the control itself, it is the fact that you wanted to give it to me.  In other words, it isn’t my dominance that I like the most, it is your submissiveness.  I also enjoy the intimacy.  The intimacy that has resulted in both of us fully revealing ourselves to each other, but also the specific physical intimacy of the punishments and the sex.

Jen:  Talk about the sex.  How is it different now?

Mike:  If you are just talking about the two of us, it is just far more passionate and physical.  We have freed ourselves of anything that could possibly hold us back.  We ask for and receive whatever we want.  That’s pretty amazing. 

Jen:  What about sex with John and Donna?  How do you feel about that?

Mike:  I am fine with it.  I don’t give it much more thought than if you enjoyed spending time with them just talking and having a barbecue.   I want you to enjoy yourself, and sex is just another way to do that.  It turns me on that you are sexual and that you like sex.   I enjoy watching you enjoy yourself and I enjoy knowing you are enjoying yourself, even if I am not there.   It doesn’t minimize your love for me or negatively impact our love in any way. 

Jen:  Had you had thoughts of sharing me with others before?

Mike:  I don’t think of it as sharing you.  Maybe more of allowing you to share yourself.  And, no, other than fantasies of threesomes – which I thought would never actually happen – it hadn’t even been something that came to mind before. 

Jen:  Does it surprise you that basically you and I are now swingers, albeit with just John and Donna?

Mike:  Hell yes.  Don’t really need to elaborate on that.  I am very surprised.  But in a good way.

Jen:  Are there things you wish I would do better?

Mike:  Yes, and we have talked about this before.  I wish you would rest more.  I like the fact you keep the house immaculate, but frankly I don’t mind if you skipped dusting or vacuuming here and there.  The reason I don’t decree that you rest is because you make it clear you enjoy it and want to maintain responsibility for doing it.   Although, I do give you permission to take time off now and then.

Jen:  Yes you do, and I appreciate it.  Speaking of which, it’s been awhile since I had a spa day, Sir.

Mike:  But aren’t those special days special because I surprise you with them?  Where’s the surprise if you have to ask for them.

Jen:  Yes, Sir, I understand.   Just sayin’.

Mike:   Noted.

Jen:  Are there sexual things for us that you are looking forward to exploring?

Mike:  Yes, but nothing specific.  Just knowing we practically have no boundaries is what excites me.   Right now we are both good with our routine and our time with John and Donna.  We haven’t sought out anything more.  We did attend those two FetLife functions some months ago, and perhaps we will get back to that, but, there isn’t this pressing feeling that we need to push those limits right now. 

Jen:  You aren’t’ giving my readers anything spicy, Sir.

Mike:  Okay then.  I’ll share a fantasy with them that I’ve shared with you.   It is you, tied up naked with many people watching as one or more from the crowd, male and female, come up and use you sexually and when they are done, others step up and continue.

Jen:   What would you put the likelihood on that happening some day?

Mike:   What’s the likelihood you would do it?

Jen:  100% if it is what you wanted, Sir.

Mike:   I thought so.  Actually, I’d put the chances at very slim.  It would take knowing a lot more people who were into such things and with us being as comfortable with them as we are with John and Donna.  I don’t see it happening, but I guess you never know.  I never thought that one day I’d be spanking you.

Jen:  Do you have a favorite spanking implement?

Mike:  My hand is my favorite.  Far more control and much more intimate.  I like the tawse and I like the wide paddles.  In order I would say I enjoy the ones that cause you to make more sounds – more grunts and moans, and the ones that make louder sounds when they impact, and by the marks they leave.

Jen:  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share your thoughts today Sir.

Mike:  No problem.  By the way, you asked me several questions without calling me “Sir”

Jen:  (drops pants and bends over).

NEXT:  75.  Public Display of Submission.