There are several things I want to write about. I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post. I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post). So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me. “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…” As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18. The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause. Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.
18.3 pounds to be exact. I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8
I am confident I’ll make it. The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable. Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average. Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″. By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s. I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015. I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it. It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.
I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated. I think my submissive mindset helped. It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule. Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever. I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.
HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal. If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic. It reeks of self-serving misogyny, a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy. It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men. It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.
Or not. Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige.
My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight. I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me. And it’s not like I am thin. I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.
If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.” We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue. As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.
WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself. He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment. Well, he is falling short. He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks. Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights. Now is that fair?
FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife. I’ll try not to repeat myself.
Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment? In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior? Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist? D/s seems inherently unfair.
I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept. To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair. Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.
I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness. Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair. I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role. They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria. They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.
It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too. That is not the point. His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established. His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to. It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules. So what!?!!? It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.
Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him. He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it. But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship. It isn’t a stated requirement.
And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine. He has to consider the impact of his decisions. The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship. It is a big responsibility. He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla. With power comes great responsibility.
Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine. That’s how D/s works. Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment. The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.
6 thoughts on “202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)”
“Fairness means that everyone gets what he or she needs.” is my favorite quote and I think it describes you, Kayla and Mike perfectly (regarding this post). You/Kayla are getting what you all need via Mike and I have no doubts that Mike gets what he needs via you/Kayla. Since everyone’s needs are worked to be met to the best of your alls ability, then it is fair. It is also important to keep in mind that each person has different needs… I digress ;D! Thank you for creating this blog! It really helps me to see that my desire to one day be disciplined by my distant future husband is just as “normal” as any other desire. I have realized through reading this, that the word normal is very subjective. Truly, I hope you all have a wonderful day!
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Thank you so much. Your comments warm my heart! And yes, normal is totally subjective. May your distant future husband fall in love with all things about you, normal or abnormal.
I suppose your opening paragraph is really relating to your next post… or the one after that. lol. Hmm. Now is that fair??? lol
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