377. Yes. No. Maybe. – Starting Your Domestic Discipline

I am in an advice-giving mood and thought I’d tackle another issue I often hear about from those venturing into Domestic Discipline for the first time. You reveal your desire to your partner, now what?

I’ve stated over and over that communication is key. Clear. Truthful. Open. Complete transparency and all the vulnerability that goes with it.

Easier said than done. Even if you agree in concept, how do you execute it? It’s even more challenging when you aren’t even sure of any of the details beyond you want accountability for your actions. Even more, your partner may still be processing the fact that you are apparently asking to be disciplined by them. Given all that, how do you start codifying and clarifying what it is you want and what the other person is willing to give?

When I first approached Mike with my idea of DD, I was armed with a list of “Duties and Obligations” that I made to help articulate the things for which I wanted him to hold me accountable. This helped him understand which behaviors I wanted his help with. From that, we were then able to talk about the consequences. Yes… gulp, the “S” word – spankings.

In interacting with other women, I found that many aren’t able to clearly articulate the “Duties and Obligations” they want, but they do have a vague idea. How do they “get it all out there” so the can discuss these things in a productive manner when you are still unclear on the details and they are still in a bit of shock over the idea of DD.

It’s like trying to place an order at a restaurant and not only do you not know what is on the menu, but they don’t yet fully comprehend that they are at a restaurant with you. What then?

Two bits of advice… or two-bit advice, after all, I always preface my advice with this disclaimer: Take it with a grain of salt. Relationships are complex enough that when you add in the range of emotions that come from considering DD, you can’t rely on a one-sized fits all approach. Seek input from those that have been there, but use it to form an approach that works for you, discarding what you feel won’t work. Your approach should be highly personalized and not based solely on what someone else says works.

BIT #1: SPACE

Give both you of you some space between introducing the topic and discussing the details. In my early posts I wrote of saying to Mike, “We don’t have to figure it all out right now.” I acknowledged that this was a lot to process.  I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together.  From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives. For the moment, I just needed him to understand my general desires and my need to be accountable to him. That’s plenty for him to process. No need to dive into details.

The key is that this “space” is not days or weeks. It could be almost immediate – go to the internet and show him things you read. Or it could be the next day, at most. Whatever it is, make a time bound commitment. “Let’s sleep on it and tomorrow after work, I can show you some things online that can help explain this better.”

Yes. No. Maybe.

A deep, honest discussion about DD is daunting. Recognize it isn’t just you, and that he, too, is feeling intensely vulnerable. Call it out. “This is so hard for me to articulate and I feel very vulnerable right now, but is so important to me that I know we can get through it.”

I didn’t invent this, but it’s a good time for a Yes/No/Maybe list. As you read through things you bookmarked online, talk about what each of you think. Is it something you want? Something they want? Yes? No? Maybe?

Heck, take my contract as conversation fodder. Go through it with them. Of course, you may need to add a fourth option of, “Hell no!” LOL.

I recommend for you to have already gone through it on your own. Then, as you ask him, after he response you. . . gulp. . . show him your answer. If it doesn’t match his, then stop and talk about it.

I also recommend you agree to put it on the collective “Maybe” list and commit that initially the two of you are only going to implement the matching “Yes’s” Talk about the “maybes” but don’t dwell on them or try to reconcile them at this point. The goal in talking about them is to better understand each other, not to necessarily reconcile them on the spot, as you’ve already agreed in advance they will go on the “Maybe” list to be discussed in more detail later.

And before you start, you need to agree on what is meant by Yes, No, Maybe.

Yes – I want to.
It can also mean, “I think I am willing to.” This exercise is meant to elicit conversation, not just “yes/no.” It’s okay to not be definitive. “I like the sound of that, it intrigues me. What this infers to me is… What does it mean to you? ”

No – I don’t want to.
Again, can also mean, “I don’t think I want to. What that means to me is…. what does it mean to you?”

Maybe – I might.
You might want to add your own conditions or limitations. “Maybe, if…..” Or, it just might be, “Maybe, I will have to think about that one.”

None of these answers are a commitment at this point. They are just assessments of how you generally feel about them. Once you’ve gone through it and identified your common answers, then go back and more formally agree on what exactly you are committing to — ideally, a written contract.

You might want to add one more category to your answers

Fantasy.
Meaning, “No, I don’t want to, but I love fantasizing about that.” It’s a great way to open up and share your fantasies. There are a lot of things we all fantasize about that are best kept on the fantasy list. I found sharing fantasies with my husband to be a way for us to connect more closely and feel more at ease being vulnerable to each other across a broad range of topics. It’s a great way to exercise your relationship muscle.

There’s my two-bits of two-bit advice on how you might go about introducing this topic to your mate!

NEXT: 378. Two Million Thanks, Covid, and a $281 Venti Latte. Where’s the Kink?

304. Driving my Dominant

Oh, no, no, no!  Not THAT kind of driving.  I mean, “driving” as in “motivating, influencing, have an effect on.”  As in, “What’s driving him to Dominant the way he does?”  Hee hee.  Yeah, Mike leaves the dildos for “female entrance” only. lol.   

I posted recently about my high sex drive.  Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you want to look at it), things of sort of leveled out to a more normal sexual urge.  Which still means lots of sex, just not so frenzied about it and craving it from one moment to the next.  

It got me thinking about the ebbs and flows of not just sexual appetite, but of my need for submission.   Although there is never a time I don’t want to feel submissive towards Mike, there are times I crave it more than others.  Even a few times where I requested a spanking, “just because.”    I posted about the first time I ever asked for one in post 42.  I’ve asked for a few here and there since then, but I don’t think I posted about them.   It hasn’t been a common thing for me.  

This, in turn, led me to think about whether Mike goes through such fluxes.   There has to be time’s his sex drive is higher than normal, or times he just feels the need to do something dominant – talk sternly, give orders, give harder discipline.  That would just be normal, no? 

MIKES SEX DRIVE
When it comes to sexual urges, he said he never feels it in the way I recently did regarding just not being able to get enough.  He thinks it’s because he gets it frequently and in many varieties.  He said the “thirst” never exceeds a certain threshold before it gets quenched. 

Not to say there aren’t times where he just wants it in a given moment, or, is excited about knowing he will “get it” soon.   But those feelings are soon remedied.   Yep, he is able to get a sudden quickie of either sex or a blow job just because he feels like it.  That’s how it goes when Kayla and I make ourselves available without hesitation.   

As they say, “Multiple blow jobs a day keep the urges away.”   

Do they really say that?  Well, we do.

Mike stated that there are times he is more turned on than others and that this usually shows up in his refractory period.  That is, the time it takes to regain an erection after climax.  There are times he is ready to go pretty quickly, and other times he has no interest after cumming.  Basically, if he is feeling particularly horny, he is likely to rebound quickly, thus, eventually able to satisfy his immediate craving.

OH, BY THE WAY . . . 
This is a little off topic, but since when does a Jenny post stay on topic?   When we are having sex, as in sex sex, Mike is very good at making sure the woman/women involved climax, even if he has already done so.  But, in the case of the quicky blow jobs,  it is all about his need to get off.   These bj’s can occur at any time, and practically anywhere.

For me, not being able to finish myself isn’t often a big deal.  I love the submission of a giving a bj without notice, but I typically not so turned on sexually that I feel the need to get to an orgasm.  The few times I have had that feeling I simply have to take matters into my own hands, literally!    It happens way more with Kayla. I think I mentioned before that she has actually climaxed from giving head.  She really gets turned on by it.  

There are times when Mike is working from home and she gives him a quick bj in the hallway.  He has to get back to work and will sometimes tell her to masturbate until she cums, or call me over to “help her.”   Oh, the things we submissive do for our Sirs!

Okay, where were we? 

MIKE’S DOMINANCE DRIVE
As for craving Dominance, Mike said he feels he never craves it.  He chalked it up to the fact that any need he has for Dominance is constantly being fed.  He said that between me and Kayla, there is always someone waiting, serving, deferring, listening, obeying or submitting to him in one way or another.  And as for spanking, he says he doesn’t ever recall thinking, “Man, I really just want to punish her a certain way just for the sake of how it makes me feel.” 

He said he is always thinking about what we “expect and deserve” out of a punishment.  He bases that on previous infractions and punishments and his sense of what we are needing from a submissive and atonement aspect.   He said he has felt the “need” to perhaps hit a little harder, or punish a little longer.  But it comes from balancing what I deserve based on my needs and expectations.  The closest thing he related to thinking about himself is when he sometimes just wants to change things up.  For one, he likes to surprise us sometimes with something a little different, and, he enjoys thinking up different things, especially when it comes to trying to be creative in having the “punishment fit the crime” so to speak.    

MY THOUGHTS
It was nice to hear this.  But I am not like, “Aw, that’s so thoughtful and nice of him.”  I mean, he could always have some day where he just needs to dominate more than usual.  That wouldn’t make him unthoughtful.  It’s bound to happen.  However, it did warm my heart to hear him express how, even after almost four years of DD (something that I imposed on our relationship), that he still strives to stay focused on my needs and those of Kayla’s.  Even though our need is to be submissive to him, doesn’t mean our need is for him to Dominate us. 

This may sound inconsistent with what I shared six months ago in the post about our dynamic evolving to be more about his Dominance than about my submission.   But it’s more nuanced than that.  Our dynamic did evolve to where both of us wanted Mike to demonstrate his Dominance more often.  That is, I wanted him to exert more power and influence over our activities and it just so happens that Mike was also wanting to do just that.  This differed from the way our dynamic had worked previously where his Dominance had been more about executing to the things I explicitly expressed I needed as a submissive. 

My discussion with Mike regarding the topic of today’s post showed me that although Mike is now setting the tone for his Dominance, (versus me setting the tone for my submission) the tone he sets is still based on his perception of what I want and need.   Even though our DD has evolved, the needs of “his submissives” still remain the primary motive behind the power and influence he chooses to exert. 

I liked hearing that.  I do want his needs to be fulfilled over my own.  That’s my chosen role as a submissive.  And it is great to hear that his needs are to strive to fulfill my needs.  That makes for an amazing symbiotic relationship where his Dominance feeds my submission, and my submission feeds his Dominance.    

Although I can imagine some submissive prefer a more dominant Dominant, that’s just not my preference, nor Kayla’s.  I assume that could change someday, but I doubt it. 

It’s yet another reason I feel so fortunate in my DD journey.  Somehow we have been able to remain in sync regarding what each other is able to deliver (give) and what each other needs (takes).  It can be very difficult to keep the “gives and takes” in balance.   

I chalk up our success to 100% authentic and unfiltered communication and a deep desire to see the other happy and fulfilled wrapped in a complete willingness to be vulnerable to one another regarding our thoughts and needs.  And the most elusive element of all – luck.   I feel very fortunate and lucky that somehow we always make things work for us. 

Next: Post 305. Lectures. Let the expletives fly!?

293. Love is not Pie

2+1 DOES NOT EQUAL 3?
Kayla’s submission continues to evolve based on her needs and desires, not mine.  That is how it should be.  Her rules and rituals have a greater mix of M/s than do mine.  And out of love and concern, there have been times I have asked questions and provided my own insights and thoughts.        

Mike not only welcomed this but also solicited my advice, as did Kayla.  I was encouraged to speak up and speak often.   After all, we all had a lot to learn.  It’s one thing for me and Mike to experiment and learn within the backdrop of a 25+ year marriage.  It’s another when you are talking about a brand new relationship with someone over 25 years younger than you.   So yeah, any additional insights were valued by everyone.   But people grow and relationships evolve.  

I was slow in fully recognizing the growth and evolution.  It should have been more apparent to me, especially after our Relationship Bonding Ceremony, a ceremony designed to publicly recognize and acknowledge that growth and evolution.  (See my P.S. below re that Ceremony).   And by slow, consider that it was a year ago when I shared a somewhat similar situation.  You think I’d have figured it out sooner.  (Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year).

With what I shared on my prior post, it is finally very clear to me — my feedback is no longer needed, nor appropriate, at least in the manner in which I previously provided it. 

It’s about understanding that our relationship is NOT three separate relationships (Mike/me, Mike/Kayla, Kayla/me).  It is ONE relationship with three people.   In other words, it isn’t that 2 + 1 = 3.  It is that 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.   In math, it’s the same, but in relationships, the difference is night and day.

ON TO THE PUNISHMENT
Okay, so what was the punishment she received that had me concerned?

Mike took a lot of vacation time in December as he needed to use it up or lose it.   A few weeks ago while J was at school, Kayla asked Mike for permission to go to the bathroom, as is customary.  Instead of the typical, “You may go,” Mike, he told her, “Go get a diaper, put it on, and return here.”   This is not something he had ever previously commanded. 

Kayla responded, “But Sir…”

Mike cut her off, told her to bend over, and he spanked her with his hand about ten times in quick succession.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No Sir,” and she did as she was told and returned wearing the diaper.

“Now, go. Right here, right now.  Go,” Mike ordered.

“Sir, I need…”

Mike again cut her off.  “Pull down that diaper and bend over.”  He spanked her again by hand, at least thirty times.    He then reminded her that if she has important information to share, she needs to know how to properly share it.

There are no “buts” when it comes to responding to Mike.  We never respond with a “but.”  For me, I always try to remember to replace “and” with “but.”   Instead of, “No Sir, but…”  It is, “Yes Sir, and. . . ”  Sometimes it’s hard to remember this when he asks something unexpected, and his request clearly caught Kayla (and me) off guard.

This time Kayla said, “Sir, I have something I would like to tell you that you might find important to your demand that I go in my diaper.”

Simply put, she had to poop, not just pee.  Mike’s response was, “That changes nothing. Let me know when you are done.”   She complied.  And even stranger for both Kayla and me was that Mike took care of cleaning her.  Diaper play, at least when it comes to a bowel movement, has almost exclusively been limited to our Immersions,  and even then, Mike didn’t partake in any cleanup.

I was puzzled but didn’t say anything at the time, but as I shared in my prior post, I used our Maintenance to question it.  

LOVE IS NOT PIE
I have always felt that love is not pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared. 

While labels are always tricky, they do help serve as a sort of compass, to at least give us general direction.  And the needle of our relationship is now pointing a bit less toward polyamory, and a bit more towards polygamy.   Obviously not in any legal way – but in a way that more accurately describes our relationship.  

I am happy about the evolution of our relationship.  I am sure it will continue to grow, nurtured by love and respect.  Oh, and submission to Mike!   

P.S.  I just realized!  I never really posted about the party we had in mid-October.  We invited friends and family over for a party that we promoted and celebrated as a recognition of our relationship with Kayla.  It was our way of saying we are not doing anything to try to hide what she means to us.  Our family knows.  Mike’s co-workers know.  Our friends know.  We memorialized it with the tattoos I shared on that post.
It was a lot of fun and felt very rewarding.  While it meant a lot to me and Mike, it meant even more to Kayla.

Next: Post 294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex 

248. Secret Ingredients Revealed

If you thought I could end my last post the way I did and move on to something else, you must be new here.   I was dying to elaborate!  And in doing so, I’ll share two of the secret ingredients that I feel helped Mike and I flourish in Domestic Discipline.

My last post shared several “trivial” things for which I was punished.  Early on in our DD it was these “trivial” things where Mike had the most difficulty.  He didn’t want to be seen as being mean.  Even with me telling him it was okay and that it was what I wanted, it took time for him to be convinced.  I don’t think that is out of the ordinary for a DD dynamic that began at the wife’s behest.

But frankly, early on, I also had difficulty with accepting discipline for these “smaller” indiscretions for all the reasons I wrote on my post before last (in the “Smells Like Jens Spirit” section).  

INGREDIENT ONE:  CONSISTENCY
I hear sometimes from people who are struggling with adopting DD.  I remind them that I didn’t start from where Mike and I are today.  We had to go through a process of learning and accepting our roles.  It didn’t just happen over night, but what helped us immensely was a commitment to consistency.

I was extremely fortunate as a newbie sub, in that, while not perfect, Mike was highly consistent from the start.  He put aside his reservations and just “went for it” as he puts it.   He would overcome his hesitancy by telling himself, “Well, this is what she said she wanted.”  

Mike was extremely fortunate as a newbie Dom in that, while not perfect, I was highly consistent from the start. I put aside my reservations and just trusted my instincts.  Those same instincts that gave me my DD epiphany.

When you both adopt a firm commitment to consistency, it helps you overcome your doubts and anything that may cause you to otherwise hesitate (such a the things I shared in 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong).  Over time it all became more natural to us and more fulfilling and second nature for us.  Mike is a wonderfully consistent Dom and, if I do say so myself, I am a very consistent submissive.

INGREDIENT TWO:  COMMUNICATION
Our commitment to consistency was backed by our commitment to frequent, open, honest, and complete transparency in communicating our thoughts, dreams, and desires.

What’s tricky about this ingredient is that it isn’t an ingredient by itself.  It is a compound that is formed from lots of other ingredients.  The primary one being, you guessed it, vulnerability.   Showing all your vulnerabilities and accepting all of your partners vulnerabilities requires love, trust, compassion, empathy, respect, understanding, and host of other ingredients.  And guess what, you can’t just feel those things towards your partner.  You have to feel them towards yourself – and that is even more difficult. 

Love your partner?  Trust them?  Respect, empathize, etc, etc?  No problem.  Now, love yourself?  Trust yourself?  Respect yourself?   Humm, sometimes that’s really difficult.

Yeah, getting all those mixed into the powerful “communication” recipe is not easy.  You may be great in some, and need work in others, and if any aren’t “just right” then it will show in how fulfilling your final baked product is.

And both Mike and I agree that our Maintenance Sessions were invaluable in the successful development of our DD.  Not only are they phenomenal communication tools, but they aided early on in making our commitment to consistency easier.  Knowing that we were never more than six days away from discussing our concerns, allowed us to worry less about what happened in between those six days, giving us confidence to do what was necessary to be consistent in applying and accepting discipline.

Ultimately, communication comes back to vulnerability.  I won’t repeat all my thoughts on vulnerability, other than to say it is the most elusive yet most powerful ingredient in any relationship, DD or otherwise.  (several posts on Vulnerability are linked in FINDING MY HAPPINESS section of my Shortcuts).

And getting this recipe right is not a destination.  It is the proverbial journey.  It’s never perfect, and perfection can not be the goal.   Progress, not perfection!

MIKES PERSPECTIVE
Mike has told me that once he fully understood what I wanted — not just heard me say it, but understood it in his mind and soul – he found it easy to be consistent.  And what helped him understand it was my consistent feedback to him – especially when I would thank him.  He said he desperately needed my approval and gratitude.  Without it, he believes he would still be struggling with consistency.   And THAT is why a sub giving thanks is part of my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline.

And the other part of my golden rule is for the Dom to give the sub praise, and I told Mike that his praise was equally as valuable as my thanks was to him.  He never fed into my own “consciousness of wrong.”  He was always supportive, praising my efforts and my commitment to “finding myself.”

I realize Mike is Mike.  Everyone is different.  There are newbie Doms who don’t need such reassurance, and newbie subs who don’t need such praise.  Thus, while I believe the basic ingredients of my recipe can help improve all relationships, D/s or vanilla, the mix of those ingredients must be based on what works for each individual person and couple.  And you can’t figure out that mix if you don’t communicate.  So if you are looking where to start, start with communication.

MIKE LIKES TO DOMINATE ME
Mike told me that he realizes now that he enjoys the power and influence over me.  He didn’t always feel that way.  Just as I had to overcome my “subconsciousness of wrong,” so did Mike.  Just as society tends to view my submissiveness as a defect, they view Dominance as mean at best, brutal at worst. And those views once weighed on him. 

Even for those who accept D/s, I sense that there is a tendency to more readily accept the joy the submissive gets from being submissive than there is to accept the joy the Dom gets from being dominant.  Somehow the latter is more likely to be deemed as inappropriate.  Submission is soft, beautiful, vulnerable, evoking empathy.  Dominance is hard, brutal, and invulnerable, evoking disdain.  That’s unfair. 

It took Mike a long time to admit he enjoys disciplining me.  As he explained it, he misconstrued enjoyment as being a preference; meaning a preference to spank me, find reasons to do it, lookto do it above all else, delighting in my pain.  No, it is NOT any of that. It is not a preference he has.  But, he does enjoy it.

I can enjoy my submission, not because of the pain, but because it represents fulfillment, joy, and pleasure in my oneness with Mike. Yet, somehow we want to deny the Dom from enjoying his Dominance for the fulfillment, joy, pleasure in his oneness with the sub.  The truth is, Mike can enjoy it.  And he does.  It’s not a preference to the act of discipline.  It is simply my preference to be submissive and his preference to be Dominant.

TRIVIAL THINGS
So back to the topic that started this rant.  When it comes to “trivial” things for which I am punished – there really is no such thing.  A failure in a commitment is a failure in a commitment, no matter how small or large.  While the significance of the failure may influence the type of discipline, it should never influence whether or not I am disciplined. 

Not every transgression requires a physical punishment.  Sometimes sufficient discipline is simply Mike’s disapproval – a verbal discipline.  Mike sometimes gives me a warning when he believes my actions are inappropriate or teetering on the edge – but a warning is not the same as ignoring – and frankly, sometimes his disapproving words are as powerful as a smack on the bottom.

Consistency is sacred.  It is more important to be consistent than to give thought to ignoring a transgression.  And if you agree with that, then remember what it takes to be consistent. . . communication.  And what does it take to have great communication? All that stuff I already wrote about.

Experiment with your own recipe using my ingredients.  See what wonderful things you and your partner can create for your relationship. 

Next: 249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

245. Synchronizing Expectations

This post can be filed under T.M.I.  It’s probably more than you care to know.  I am trying not to hold back and just write it like it is.  Some of the detail may not be an interesting read.  I wanted to show a bit more of the gears and cogs behind what forms the foundation of our communication style.  And show how we deal with my pursuit of a relationship with Matt.

By the way, don’t know how easy it was to catch, but, see that image above?  Yeah, it’s a door mat.  Door mat.  A mat.  Get it.  As in Matt.  You know… Matt.   Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?    {crickets}  

MORE ON THE REVEAL
I want to revisit what Mike and I first talked about when I asked for the date night with Matt.  I wrote previously that I surprised myself in that once I recognized it was something I would like to do, I did not hesitate to ask Mike.  I wasn’t apprehensive or fearful.  To add to that, I don’t think at any other time in our marriage I would have been so calm and confident about such things.  I believe it reflects the level of “oneness” Mike and I are currently experiencing. 

I admitted to Mike that I am infatuated with Matt.  That “puppy love” type feeling that I haven’t felt since I started dating Mike eons ago.  By the way, this feeling isn’t just emotional.  The feelings are chemical. 

LOVE DRUGGED
When you are at the “infatuation” stage of a relationship, your body produces higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.  And those chemicals feel good! 

Typically when you come down from the “puppy love” drugs, your body then pumps you with vasopressin and oxytocin.  Basically they feel pretty good too and assist with producing an “attachment” type feeling.  They can help create a bond that further cements the relationship.   Love is indeed a drug!  

Ever have that feeling of, “I don’t understand why I am so attracted to that person, I know they are no good for me?”  Well, it’s hard to fight the natural feel good drugs in your system that the person somehow triggers in you. 

That concludes this public service announcement.  Now back to our regular program.

BACK TO OUR DISCUSSION
So here are more details on the discussion that transpired between Mike and I when I asked to date Matt.  Mike was not upset by my revelation.  He grinned and nodded his head, “Yeah, I can see how you would like him.”  He asked me how I felt about it.  I said it was hard to describe as it was so foreign to me and I asked, “What did you feel when Kayla came into our relationship?”

He said that my reactions and support regarding Kayla gave him the confidence to  pursue things with her.  He never felt guilty per se, but there were times he wanted to show me extra attention, love, reassurance.  He didn’t think of it as being driven by guilt over Kayla, but by his love for me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  Ultimately, my acceptance was the most important part of making him comfortable with it.

Yeah, I can relate to that.  I sensed Mike was going to be supportive and that is important to me.  If he had any reservations, I would not not pursue this.

Mike said he was not completely surprised by my request.  He had a hunch something was brewing.  He noticed something in watching me with Matt and said he saw it the first he watched us have sex.  With John the sex is more mechanical – just sex – and Mike enjoys watching me experience that.   But with Matt, Mike saw that there was more tenderness from the start,  a hint of a bond between us – and Mike was thrilled in watching me experience that.  

Mike said it surprised him that I didn’t seem that enthusiastic when we first talked about how I felt about the sex.  I had a “take it or leave it” attitude about it.  I liked Matt okay, and I was happy that Mike enjoyed it so much.  I’ll do it for Mike and the sex wasn’t bad  Yep, that was my attitude.  However, Mike said my attitude didn’t seem to match my body language.  Mike said he sensed a bit of a “spark” between Matt and I and it especially showed during the sex.  Unlike with John, I was really into it. 

In hindsight I agree with Mike’s observation, but at the time I chalked it up to the naughtiness of it all.  I was feeding off Mike’s delight over it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I was and things changed, or maybe I just thought I was and was suppressing the attraction.  No matter.  We’re here now.  

Mike asked me what I envisioned in a relationship with Matt.   

“I don’t know.  No vision really.  Just enjoy and see where it goes.  A lot depends on how Matt acts and behaves.  Now that you approve, I plan to have a discussion with Matt and maybe you should talk to him to make sure we stay on the same page.”

Mike thought for a bit and at first said, “Yes, the three of us should get together and talk about it.”  But then he said, “You know, nix that.  It may be intimidating to Matt if I try to impose certain behaviors.  You are both adults.  I’d like to see how your relationship evolves on its own.  It’s not like I won’t be around.”

This led Mike to state he wants us to alternate between Matt’s place and our house regarding where we have sex.  This is where Mike also gave me some rules regarding keeping him informed throughout the date and calling him after I have sex.

WHAT I SEE IN MATT
Mike had asked me what it was that I like about Matt.  For starters, some of Matt’s peculiarities that remind me of him – there are just certain mannerisms he has that are Mike-like.  As for differences, Matt kind of reminds me of a lost puppy.  He still seems a bit traumatized by his divorce.  He is not self assured like Mike.  My compassion just oozes out to want to help Matt.  

I am keenly aware of my proclivity to want to fix people.  I don’t see Matt as someone who needs fixing.  He isn’t broken, just a bit shaken and down on himself.  The person I have seen thus far has a lot to offer.  Kind, caring, compassionate and witty.   He doesn’t appear to have any unhealthy vices (drinking, drugs, gambling) other than this one vice about sleeping with his friends wife. (ha!).  I see glimpses of a confident Matt.  It’s like this egg shell of doubt that already has lots of cracks.  No, he doesn’t need fixing, just a little chisel and polish to bring back the original Matt.   

Matt tends to be very closed, not forthcoming in showing his vulnerabilities… but he wiill if you prod him a little.  I get a lot of satisfaction each time he opens up a little more.  I wouldn’t say I am in love with him.  Perhaps I will be.  But I am attracted to him, infatuated by him…yes, there is a passion for being with him and of course, the sex.  I enjoy his company.  

THE SEX WITH MATT
Mike was clear with me from the beginning that he didn’t have any specific rules for me regarding sex with Matt.  If I was comfortable doing it, “Go for it,” was his exact words.  And as I shared before, I tell Mike all the details of what Matt and I do.   Mike recently asked me a pretty loaded question.  “Of the things you do with Matt that you do with me, what you like better from Matt than from me?”   

Ouch.  He really wants to go there.  Eject, eject, eject!  Just kidding.  I didn’t hesitate to answer honestly.

The first thing that came to mind is simply the thrill of the unknown.  I still don’t know what Matt may do and the uncertainty adds some fire to the moment.   The sense of adventure and even the awkwardness we both have as we learn each other’s likes and dislikes.  All of that adds an emotion that gives it an extra spark.  In Mike-style wit, Mike responded with, “So in other words, what makes it good is that it simply isn’t me.”  Hey, that’s not what I said!

The next thing isn’t that it is better than something Mike and I do, but just different. (Luckily Mike allowed the “not better, just different” loophole to stand).  

I am a lot louder with Matt. At home I always felt the need to be a little restrained so not to wake the kids.  I think years of this has conditioned me to not be too loud with Mike, even if no kids are around.  In addition, sex at home pretty much means in our bed, because sex on the kitchen table doesn’t work with kids in the house.  So yeah, 25-ish years of sexual habits have conditioned me to be a certain way with Mike.  I can forget that conditioning when I am with Matt.

In addition to louder, I am just more vocal.  With Matt, I will tell him “fuck me right here,” whether still in his doorway, on the kitchen table, living room floor, or wherever.  The air of the illicitness of it all adds to the passion.  Part of that I blame on Mike – he started it.  Mike likes to talk dirty to me when he watches me have sex with Matt, and he gets me to respond in kind.  Now, even when Mike isn’t there, I just have this need to scream those things to Matt.  After all, it’s important to maintain precedent!   That’s my explanation and I am sticking to it! 

Actually, it also helps when you first start having sex with someone that you communicate what feels good.  It also helps Matt overcome some of the hesitancy he has because I am Mike’s wife.  Although each time we’ve had sex he seems to be less and less hesitant about anything.  I’ll keep being loud just in case, tee hee. 

And the elephant in the room, ahem, okay, not quite THAT big. . . yes, Matt has a big penis, bigger than Mike’s, bigger than anyone I’ve been with (8.4 inches).  It’s nice to look at, but honestly, I don’t really feel any difference other than when it is in my mouth.  BTW, I can’t take him all in…sorry, not a skill I’ve honed.  Anyway, yes, nice to look at.  The visual conjures up thoughts of amazing orgasmic sensations, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or in this case, the orgasmic intensity by the size of the dick.   That’s my experience anyway, you’re welcome to differ in the comments!

In all honesty, there isn’t anyone better at sex than Mike.  No one can match the feeling I get from being with him.  Sure I can feel some differences and get satisfaction from those differences, but nothing is better than sex with my husband.   And frankly, it is probably 80% mental/emotional and only 20% physical that makes that statement true.   For me, sex with my lifetime  partner is tops!    

So that’s pretty much it.  Mike and I do share everything.   Try having that conversation with your significant other, I dare you!

WHAT’S NEXT WITH MATT
It’s been two weeks since that initial “date request.”  Matt and I have gone out twice.  We went back to his place for sex and then I came home.   And just yesterday Mike set my official date night with Matt to be on Tuesdays.  So if you keeping score, with Mike’s new edict, one Tuesday Matt and I go out and return to his place, and the next Tuesday we go out and return to mine.

I’ve had great discussions with Matt regarding my expectations and his.  I believe we are on the same page, as well as one can ascertain such things at this point.  And clearly Mike and I are on the same page.  So I think we are off to a proper start, as evidenced by Mike’s next suggestion. 

OVERNIGHTS?
“Jen, would you like to spend the night at Matt’s when your date nights end at his place?” 

Yep, Mike just asked me that last night.  It would have be easy to say, “Whatever you like, Sir.” or even just an “Okay, Sir,” but those answers aren’t acceptable.  When Mike asks me something it isn’t because he wants me to agree (he doesn’t need my agreement).  He wants to know how I feel.  It took many spankings over quite a long time to make me finally break my habit and understand that when asked for my opinion, “Okay” is not an answer.    

I thanked him for offering this and told him I would like that.  We will give J a cover story that I had an early doctor’s appointment.  So it’s settled.  Next Tuesday I go on a sleep over! 

MAID SERVICE?
Mike then added, “And can Matt use some help at his apartment?  Cleaning, laundry, stuff like that?”  I responded that I suppose he could and I stated that this sounded like a step towards being submissive to Matt (I already shared with Mike that I am not looking for that).  Mike said he wasn’t asking me to be, but thought it would be yet another bonding opportunity if I performed some acts of service for Matt – not out of submission, but out of caring.

I expressed concern with it taking away from my current duties and obligations in our own household.  I am already extremely busy meeting those commitments. Mike paused for a moment then responded, “On the nights you spend with Matt, in the morning I want you to prepare him breakfast and after he goes to work I want you to stay and clean his apartment.  You can leave there at noon.” 

“Yes, Sir.”

WHERE’S THE GREAT COMMUNICATION IN THAT?
There are differences in our communication depending on the situation.  For instance, I might bring something up to him at any time that prompts a meaningful discussion. These “somethings” are ideas or thoughts I am having about something we haven’t discussed before, such as my request for a date night with Matt.

Then there are the discussions that lead to Mike making a decision and stating what he wants.  At that point the discussion is over.  I am not to argue, plead, or hesitate when he states something in a declarative way.  I am to simply obey.  I can use our next Maintenance Session to respectfully express my concerns. 

I’ve learned to be attuned to how Mike states something.  He is typically very clear when he is soliciting my feedback and when he isn’t.  And when he isn’t, it is my duty to obey without question.  I like that.  Every time he states something in a commanding way, I get a little tingle in my tickle-spot. 

WHAT WILL I SAY AT MAINTENANCE? 
I’ve learned to think before I speak.  So let’s look at the evidence.  In this case, we had agreement that he was not expecting me to be submissive to Matt, no need to reiterate that.  I stated my concern about performing my own household duties, so no need to repeat that either  (repeating the same plea could result in discipline).  The thing I think I will bring up at Maintenance is that at first Mike said he wanted my relationship with Matt to evolve on its own.  Now here he is, imposing things.  That’s it!

Now, I have to think carefully about how to word my concern.  I can’t ever phrase things in a way that sound like I am saying “got ya’, so there!”  Very disrespectful.   I know Mike is coming from a loving place, but I really want to know if his general approach is going to be hands off or not.  It is just that… wait, hold on.  You know what?  This is why I love writing.  Epiphany!

It doesn’t matter that Mike said he wanted to just “see how it evolved.”  He is always free to modify anything he says.  He doesn’t have to forever commit to that statement.  And I shouldn’t expect him to give a commitment on how he wants to handle this.  Heck, I can’t even commit to how I will handle this.  It’s too new.  

I shouldn’t have put so much weight on his statement of “let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.”  He said it in the context of having a face-to-face three way discussion about ground rules.  He didn’t say it in the context that he wasn’t ever going to be involved, in fact he ended it with, “it’s not like I won’t be around.”

This is what I love about my DD!  

It may not seem like it, but what I am sharing here is huge.   Think of it this way — Suspend the fact that pre-DD Jenny wouldn’t be talking to Mike about date night rules with another man – just pretend that little fact doesn’t apply.   Okay, got it?  Great.

Here’s how I imagine pre-submissive Jenny would have dealt with this —  When Mike said to clean Matt’s place, pre-submissive Jenny would say, “I already said I have too much to do.  What are you going to take away from my responsibilities here so that I can tend to Matt?  And you’re exact words were ‘let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.’  Well, now you are sticking your nose in and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing for Matt.  Make up your mind!”

A far cry from “Yes, Sir.”

So what will I say at Maintenance?   Nothing. 

I am good.  I’ll adjust my calendar as best as I can and like always, if I run into challenges in meeting my Duties and Obligations, I’ll talk to Mike.  My tending to Matt’s place is as important as any other Duty and Obligation because Mike wishes it.  That’s good enough for me.

AND EVEN MORE WHAT’S NEXT?
Lastly, this morning Mike told me to think of ideas to spend more time with Matt.  Mike said he feels if it is all just “dinner and a fuck” (his words), that I won’t really be getting to know him better. He told me to talk to Matt and come back with suggestion.   “Yes, Sir.”

I’ll talk to Matt.  Here are some things that come to mind:

• Perhaps I spend all day on a weekend with him.  Not sure how my schedule can swing that or what kind of cover story we can come up with J. 
• Maybe he comes to our house more often…dinner and hang out, stuff like that.  Not great one-on-one time, but it isn’t always about one-on-one stuff.  Sharing mundane daily life can be bonding. 
• Maybe we go somewhere together?  I am not opposed to it, but I really don’t want to be away from Mike and J like that.  I can handle an overnight, but a weekend or something like that?   I don’t think so.   And Mike would definitely have to give me special dispensation from my Duties and Obligations. 

We’ll see.  Mike asked me for ideas on how to spend more time with Matt, not for excuses on why I shouldn’t.  

Enough Matt-talk.  Did you know that my husband sometimes spanks me?  Yes, shocking isn’t it.  You may not know that from my recent posts.  Maybe it’s time to share about a punishment or two?   Next post?     

Next: 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

 

 

 

234. Calculate Your Domestic Discipline Readiness

Anniversaries are a wonderful time to reflect, reminisce, and take stock of where it all began.   March 17 marked three years since Mike and I formally adopted Domestic Discipline.  

There are so many positives in my life

• The Relationships:  Kayla, John and Donna, Matt.
• The Household Processes:  finances, cleanliness, order
• Marital Health:  absence of arguments and tension
• The kids:  all well on the children front (okay, 2 of them are adults, but, they are always your children regardless how hold they get).
• Mental Health:  overall “nourished” feeling about life.     

Our DD currently feel effortless – more so than at any other time.  We continue on this good groove,  attributed to finding the right balance after taking a few months to adjust to our October contract.  In it we adjusted our Maintenance Sessions,  added Rituals, the added mantras, a dress code, and other items.  Those changes completed the seemly subtle, yet significantly impactful, evolution of going from being “submissive to Mike” towards being “Mike’s submissive.”   

I guess 20+ years of working at it with negligible results gave us the motivation and mindset to work hard at mastering our DD.      

HOW WE’VE DONE IT
I’ve opined as to why DD has worked for us. If you’re new, go to My Shortcuts and check out the posts under “Finding My Happiness” or “Thoughts on Being Submissive.”  I re-read a lot of those posts and realize I’ve left off two foundational pillars of successfully exploring DD.  All else, the fun, the love, the vulnerability, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears, and the journey—are built upon consent and trust.   Let’s explore Consent and Trust, Jenny style.

CONSENT = PERMISSION + AGREEMENT 
I am not referring to the simple, “No means no” consent.   I am coming from the perspective of an established consensual relationship that is considering DD.  

There are two parts of my consent equation.    

• Part One:  Grant permission.
  Easy to understand, not always easy to execute.
  Requires communicating how you allow the person to treat you.
  Sounds simple, but not if you don’t yet know what it is you will or won’t accept. 

Jenny’s tip:  Not sure what you want?  Start with communicating how you feel and how you want to feel.  This gets you and your partner on the path towards filling in the blanks regarding what you both are willing to accept (rules, punishments, etc).

I had reservations about granting Mike permission to spank me or discipline me in any way.  I didn’t wait to fully reconcile those reservations — else I would still be waiting.  With enough communication, I felt he basically understood what I would allow and I felt I basically understood what he was willing to do.

• Part two:   Understand and Accept the permission being granted to you.
  Hard to understand, hard to execute.
  This requires being receptive to, and understanding of, what it is the other person wants to give.  Two potential areas of failure.
  –  One, you may not be receptive to what the other person wants.  Someone may give you consent to spank them, but if you don’t want to do it, there is no consent in the relationship for spanking.
  –  Two, you may be receptive, but you don’t understand it.  You think you understood what they wanted, and when you delivered it, they resisted or resented.This requires communication and trial and error (see Tip below).Before we started DD, Mike and I had lots of discussions – sharing our thoughts, concerns, research.  Once implemented, our Maintenance Sessions have been a vital communication and calibration tool – even three years later.  If either part of consent is absent, I see lots of starts and stops, ups and downs, and a very challenging time ahead.

Jenny’s Tip:   Don’t wait on perfection.  You can talk this to death and never get anywhere.  No matter how well you articulate your needs via the permission you grant someone (Part One), those needs will never be FULLY understood (Part Two) until you actually start doing it.   Some times to best understand something, you just have to experience it.  Communicate to the point you feel there is sufficient consent, such that, with Trust, you are ready to try DD.  What constitutes Trust?

TRUST
A DD myth is that it is about abuse and, well, weirdness.  Actually, it’s about trust (okay, and perhaps a little weirdness, so what?).  In DD, trust goes beyond a simple confidence in someone else.  Trust trumps the possibility of harm and embarrassment.  The result is incredible intimacy.  Once it starts, it snowballs.  The intimacy creates clarity in communicating, improving consent and trust, thus improving intimacy.  Repeat.

It is this feeling of trust that enables you to share your desires with your partner.  Without trust, you’ll never be able to share, thus never able to begin to truly address consent.  There are three parts to my trust in Mike: 

1. Part One:  Hearing each other
   Confidence that we listen to each other’s needs  – both stated and unstated. 
   
   Jenny’s Tip:  This can only happen if you actually communicate your needs.  And not in some “code” or inference, but directly stating what you need and want.  This is not easy.
2. Part Two:  Understanding each other.
   Confidence that Mike understands what I am saying (and I understand what he is saying).  Not just the words, as we often fumble for the right words – but we find an understanding about the intent and the meaning behind the words we say.
   
   Jenny’s Tip:  Sorry, but this is NOT done through osmosis like most relationships expect and believe.   Nope, it requires dialogue.  Not just a, “Okay” or “I get it,” response, but a back and forth, open and frank, self-revealing emotional conversation.   As such, Part Two tends to be the hard one!
3. Part Three:  I accept myself / Mike accepts himself
   If I am fearful or full of self-loathing, I may fool myself into believing I have accomplished Part One and Two of Trust.  If I am desperate, I may simply wish he heard my thoughts and feelings and read between the lines because I would be too afraid to fully reveal them.  Simply put, you can’t trust someone else if you don’t trust yourself.
   Jenny’s Tip:  Accepting myself doesn’t mean I have made sense of my feelings.  I can still have doubts.  I did not understand why DD appealed to me.  I accepted that it resonated with me in a way nothing else did.  I accepted my feelings without of shame or guilt. . . had to correct myself there.  I accepted my negative thoughts but didn’t let them impact what I thought about my worthiness as a person or wife.  I knew the idea of DD would sound irrational to Mike.   It is entirely okay if your feelings are irrational — just share them. THIS HAS BEEN HARD FOR ME because I tend to want to reconcile and rationalize my thoughts before sharing them.  I have come to understand that people relate to irrational thoughts — because we all have them.  Air them with your partner, and you’ll be on the path towards trust, and ultimately consent. 

THE COMMON FACTOR IN CONSENT AND TRUST
Clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication.  Yes, I already stated that before, but it was worth repeating because it is difficult.  Most couples don’t discuss their needs, especially not when it comes to DD or kink.  This diminishes intimacy, diminishes their ability to consent, and erodes trust.  DD absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion.

Delving into Domestic Discipline often means exploring parts of yourself and your relationship that you are unsure of.  How do you effectively communicate something that you are unsure of?   With difficulty.  But a foundation of consent and trust makes it less difficult and provides a means by which through ongoing communication, you become more and more sure of yourself, sure of your partner, and sure of you DD.

DD READINESS FORMULA
Since I stated happiness as a formula, I’ll summarize a “readiness formula” to evaluate the likelihood your relationship can successfully engage or sustain DD (or any kink).

The formula is: (( P + A ) (5T)) – 100O) = Readiness to engage DD

That is, Permission + Acceptance (aka Consent), multiplied by 5 times Trust, then subtract 100 times the frequency at which you rely on Osmosis versus open and honest communication with your partner.   Yes, if osmosis is your go-to communication technique, exploring DD or kink is probably not for you.

This will undeniably, irrefutably, indisputably, and incontrovertibly determine your relationships readiness to engage in Domestic Discipline (or kink in general).

At least I think so.  Maybe not?

Next: 235. Seeking inspiration

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS. 

 In their minds, submission is

• degrading
• unfair
• unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

112. Pillow Talk

Mike’s dad passed away, which is why I haven’t posted.  Not that such a thing is ever easy, but it was unexpected, making it extra hard on everyone.  Suffice to say it meant a lot of time with family and friends and not a lot of time to worry about our typical routines, submissive or otherwise.  There was still a spanking or two, (and three or four for Kayla), and Kayla’s nightly Maintenance Sessions were modified a bit – more talking, less spanking – given my middle son was with us for a couple of days plus our entire routine was off schedule.

The events of the last week led to two interesting conversations where some feelings were expressed.  One was something Kayla shared, the other was something I shared.  Oh – and I will throw in a spanking “reference.”  Not a full spanking story, as this post is long enough, but at least I’ll will leave you with something your imagination can fill in to your hearts (or other anatomy’s) content.

Oh – this isn’t going to be about what traditionally is considered “pillow talk.”  Pretty dry stuff to call it that – but, it was a relaxed and intimate conversation and was accompanied by various acts of cuddling and caressing,  so yeah, I think it qualifies (barely) as pillow talk.  It makes for for a better title than “Blah blah blah, come on Jen, just talk about spankings.”

Talk #1
Kayla was feeling bad about her “place” in our household.  With the death of Mike’s dad and the many comings and goings of families and friends, the funeral, and all that – who was she to the family?   It was common in just about every social interaction for people to ask her, “So how do you know James?” (Mike’s dad).   Somehow it didn’t seem appropriate to say, “Oh, I am living with his son, Mike, and daughter-in-law, and I am their submissive.”

To strangers she would introduce herself simply as a friend of Mike’s family.  If the conversation led to it being appropriate, she would mention she was living to us.  If we were directly introducing her we would say, “This is Kayla, she is longtime family friend who is living with us.”   People never questioned this.   Kayla sat with us and our kids, so her physical presence was pretty much as “one of the kids.”  However, there were times when the family would be mentioned or something would happen and of course Kayla was not included.

Kayla said she completely understand all of this and had no expectations of it being otherwise.  However, it served to remind her that she is not as connected to us as “family.”  She was apologetic for feeling the way she did and said it wasn’t about unmet expectations.  It was about the feeling it gave her to see how she is not as close to us as she could be.  Her sadness is in recognizing that this connection is missing.

She was very calm in talking about it.  She said she wasn’t about to have a “pity party” about it, but also knew she needed to state what was on her mind.  Overall, she just said the experience made her feel a bit distant from us, and she hated that feeling, especially because she feels so close to us otherwise.  And, she said she does not feel any regret or lingering negativity about the “missing connection.”  To the contrary, she said it made her value that closeness and more deeply appreciate the connection she does have with us.   The conversation was very sweet and loving, and hopefully reaffirming for her, as we made it clear how much we love her.

We all recognized that the “old” Kayla would have said nothing, and she would have concluded that there was something wrong with her that caused the missing connection.  She would have cried about it by herself, projected negative thoughts upon herself, and covered up her sadness in unhealthy ways.   This truly was a milestone for her – just shy of one month living with us.  The conversation demonstrated that Kayla has made progress in sharing her feelings, as it was something that I know was difficult for her to both articulate and “find” her feelings in her own mind, let alone turn around and share it with us.  It was also noteworthy that she shared her feelings so promptly, before anything could fester.

Talk #2
Just prior to the passing of my father-in-law, I had begun to question something in my mind.  I was wondering if Mike was treating me differently because of Kayla.   He had recently told me that he was “ramping up” my punishments as it seems like my tolerance had risen and they didn’t have the same impact any longer.   While true, my response was “What impact is that, Sir?”   He said that part of the punishments were to serve as not just a deterrent, but also as a consequence, and the consequence should be commensurate with the crime.  Of course, his use of the word “crime” was in jest.  In our DD vernacular, it is a “transgression,” but whatever the term, it was clear what he meant.

He was correct.  I have been sort of going through the motions of a spanking or other punishment without much thought to any actual discomfort or inconvenience that it is supposed to serve.  In so doing, I have noticed my submissive mindset has lessened, but I figured my diminished submissive feelings stemmed from our collective focus on Kayla.  I didn’t mind this “mini-vacation” from those submissive thoughts, as I know they are temporary and, I truly want to help Kayla as much as possible, especially early on in our relationship as she “finds her way.”   Whatever the cause, Mike was spot on, not that I wanted the solution to be more or tougher punishments.

Then this thought occurred to me – Is he doing this because of Kayla?  Kayla wanted (and is receiving) many more punishments.  Is he projecting what she wants onto me?   Also, Kayla does need a lot of attention from him.  I don’t say that in a bad way.  It is simply the fact right now, as she needs more attention from me as well.  I give it freely, and encourage Mike to give his freely as well so that he knows I support his efforts with her.  But, the thought crossed my mind – “Maybe he is frustrated with all that she is requiring of him, and he is taking it out on me?”

Before I knew it I was at least flirting with the idea that Kayla was perhaps at the root of something sinister.  Not a pleasant path to go down. Before I let myself go down it any further, I did make a conclusion that stopped the nefarious journey.  Two simple words – “So what?”

What would it mean if this were true?   Would it mean that Kayla is some evil bitch bent on my destruction?  Would it change Mike’s love for me? Would it change my love for Kayla?  Would it change my love for submission and DD?   No, no, no, no, and no!

Answering those questions didn’t resolve it in my mind, but it stopped me from going down the rabbit hole of negative emotions.  Now I was looking at it from the perspective of what if it were true?  Okay, so I know Kayla needs our love and extra attention as she finds the right dynamic that works for her.  Of course she will need more love and attention, so I am not upset about that.  And if Mike needs to “take it out on me,” then (within reason) it is simply another way I can submit to him and help him.

Although I was now coming at this from a positive perspective, I still wondered if it were true and that wondering gnawed on me.  It is clear to me that if I didn’t share this thought with Mike and Kayla, this issue would surely resurface again.  The longer I went without saying anything, the greater the chances my mind would wonder into assuming darker and darker motives on Mike’s part or Kayla’s part until finally, I’d burst in anger.  Motivated by Kayla’s willingness to share, I raised the issue and we talked about it.  Without going into all the details of the conversation, it was fairly short and definitely sweet.  Feelings were supported (which doesn’t necessarily mean “agreed up), and love and respect was shared between all of us.

I value the feelings of fulfillment and peace that I have achieved in my life, especially with what DD has done to help support that.  I value those feelings so much that I would not allow anything to chip away at them.  If I truly felt Kayla or anyone or anything could diminish those feelings, I would not only speak up, but I would take action to correct it.   Thus far, all my love and feelings about Kayla have served to intensify my satisfaction with life and my love for Mike.   Our ability to quickly share good thoughts and bad, can only serve to further deepen that love.

Oh – a spanking!
After I shared this, Mike sly asked, “So how long was that weighing on your mind?”  Without a thought I said, “Oh, maybe a week or so.”   He then told me to fetch a paddle!
You see, sharing our thoughts and feelings is not just something unique to Kayla.  It has been a part of my DD since the beginning, and the “reminder” of this is still visible on my sore behind two days later!

NEXT: 113. Contemplation

14. Year One Reflections. Good, Bad, Growing Sexual Subtext?

I had promised to share my first Reward session in this post, but I thought of one more important item to address before doing that.  While I will get into sharing some of the specific experiences that served as unique “landmarks” in my DD journey, I decided first it was important to share a few things I learned about DD in our year of practicing it.  So, here’s the good, the bad, and the growing sexual subtext.

The Good.
I thought DD would have to be a constant focus, but it has just become normal in my day-to-day life.  It doesn’t even seem like a “thing” anymore.  We just do it.  We’re just used to it.  It is part of who we are.

DD has been more effective in quickly helping me love life, every moment, every day, than I could have imaged.  I am happier than I’ve ever been, things are better than they’ve ever been with my relationship with Mike and my kids.  Things are more orderly (a sort of a managed chaos, so not perfect, but at least managed).

Mike and I are truly one.  Mike and I never fight.  Literally never.  Not figuratively, and not literally as in the way the word literally gets use to describe something figuratively – but the old fashioned sense of the word “literal.”  We just do not argue.  Now, argue is not the same as disagree.  We do disagree.  Less than before, but a disagreement is not rare.  The difference is we have this amazing mechanism for handling it.  We respectively address everything in a timely manner.

In addition, Mike looks for opportunities to help me. He is a partner in the things that are important to me, more than he ever was.  He is more attentive to me emotionally.  I cannot describe the feelings we have for each other, other than to say we are one.  As the U2 song goes, “we are one, but not the same…”   That’s us.

The Bad
I don’t think it is believable to say there is no bad.  But, nothing comes to mind that I honestly can say is a bad consequence of our decision to get into DD.  Not to say there weren’t a bad moment or two when we first started living it (like my first spanking), but those were moments in time and not something ongoing.  The first thing that comes to mind when I think of what I don’t like about our DD relationship is that it can be so damn inconvenient.  That’s primarily because we have a child in the house.  It is very common for us to administer spankings only after Mike has to turn the televisions up, lock our bedroom door, turn on the shower, and we go into our bathroom or master closet.

Growing Sexual Subtext?
At first I felt sex and DD were distinct, but I’ve come to see that they are definitely related.  Not the same, but related, and we can thank human physiology and psychology for that.

• Physiology:  Why is it that DD is so focused on the ass and/or breasts (in our DD) and/or even the pussy in other DD relationships?  It is easy to feel discomfort with slaps or pinches to the hands, back, ears or tongues, why not focus on those body parts? The difference is the sensation of blood flowing to our privates!  The spanking and pinching cause blood to flow to those area and while it still hurts, it just feels better to have it flowing in certain places.  And not only does it flow to your ass cheeks, but the same major blood vessel supplying your ass also supplies your privates (for both men and women).  So, yes, a spanking to the ass can actually deliver a tingle to your genitals.  Note this is true of parents spanking their children and why that is just F’d up.  Anyway, spanking is physiologically sexual, regardless of the intent.
• Psychology: There are no negative connotations with the hands, back, ears, or tongue.  If someone puts their hand on my back in public, nothing is thought of it.  But grab my boob?
  There is something naughty about it.  And something submissive about allowing anyone to touch you “there” and something dominant about touching someone “there.”  Just the thought of those touches becomes sexual, whether we admit it or not.

Okay, so if it is similar but not the same, how is it different?   I guess that is where it depends on the person.  I imagine many people are so sexually turned on by spanking that it is very much like sex.  For them, spanking is sex.  I get it.  That’s just not me.  I do feel a sexual stimuli.  I know it is there, I recognize it often, but it is faint.  The best analogy I can think of is spanking is to sex like alcohol is to getting drunk (at least for me). Now there are flaws in that analogy, but here’s my point – I can have a drink and not get drunk.  I can be spanked and it not be sex.

However . . .  

I do recognize a growing sexual subtext in our DD relationship.  We started with nothing sex based, and now have several sexual based items in our contract.  I often think about what led me to want those in the Agreement (they were my idea).  Clearly it is that I get a level of sexual gratification from a spanking.  As I said before, for me, that gratification is present, but it is light – but it’s good, and just a little good, so, I want a little more, and a little more, like a drug.  And the brain is very much treating it like a drug.  So, I need to increase the sensations and thus increase the punishments.  I am VERY AWARE OF THIS.  I often think about what this means as we continue on our journey.  I want to keep our sex life distinct from my Rewards.  Right now it is, but I can see where it could be heading.  This is partly why I wanted a two year agreement this time around.  I didn’t want to be tempted to add more sexual based Rewards.   I do sense the desire will be there when our contract expires.  I have to commit to some boundary.  I’ll deal with that when the time comes.

Okay, next post I will share our first experience where Mike spanked me.

NEXT – 15. My First  Day.  100 Spankings of Thanks

13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”

In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD.  I have now done that. Now what?

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I  plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.

MY STYLE?
Not sure.  Blogging may bring out a different side of me.  I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way.  Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that.  If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.

So, instead of,  “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”

I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.   

I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.

DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?

Yes and no.  I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog.  We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.

I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations.  So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later.  Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information.  Mike did agree I could use our real first names.  Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already.  Perhaps that is story #2?).

Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so.  I can’t wait to hear his comments.

Next – 14. Year One Reflections, the Good, the Bad, and the growing Sexual Subtext