This post picks up where I left off on my prior post and I apologize in advance if I meander a bit in thought and revisit some topics from some of my initial posts. I am just laying the emotional backdrop to an epiphany I had today that I will share on my next post.
Donna continues to stay with us until John returns on November 19. In my last post I shared that Donna perceives the source of my submission as coming from a “bright” place in that my past lacked experiences with abuse, belittlement, neglect, etc. I felt she was stereotyping and the comments I received seemed to agree. Submissives come from all walks of life with varied experiences!
The one common thread is simple – submissives get immense satisfaction from being submissive. The “why” will vary, but the end result is the same – it provides fulfillment in ways we haven’t found in other lifestyles. My About page highlights several of my posts about what I get from submission. My ongoing discussions with Donna have given me the opportunity to think more about why I get that fulfillment. Simply put, I have needs.
I looked up the definition of “needy” and it is – destitute, indigent, deprived, disadvantaged. The definition seems to only address economic issues, not emotional issues. Why is that? Because when it comes to emotions, we all have needs, therefore by default, we are all needy. Satisfying our non-economic needs is a combination of cultural influences and our individual biology. The age-old combination of nurture and nature that influences everything about us.
My embrace of DD certainly wasn’t from the “nurture” side of things because nothing in my upbringing supported a path to submissiveness. I know that there are some who had their submissiveness nurtured from an early age. This could be due to religion or other influences where submission was modeled by others around you and expected from you. That’s not me. While my dad was a misogynist, my mother instilled in me that I was free to live life as I see fit and didn’t need anyone (like a man), or anything (like a drug) to complete me. My family is full of strong females who modeled very non-submissive attitudes and behaviors for me.
My dad was present, but not active, in my life and that of my siblings. He went to our various school events, but never was as invested in what we were doing as my mom was. In other words, he never asked us questions about what we were doing, what we liked, disliked, etc. It was more, “What time do you need me to be there?”
My parent’s relationship is/was odd. They were loving towards me and my siblings, but I simply describe their relationship with each other as amicable. I know my dad cheated on my mom and there was a time they even separated. While they reconciled, they kept separate bedrooms and to this day still maintain separate bedrooms. They act and behave more like best friends and roommates than husband and wife. Some of this may be because my mom didn’t conform to the submissiveness my dad desired from her. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I always related to my mom and her sense of self and self-empowerment and not my dad’s desire for a “barefoot and pregnant” (and quiet) housewife.
My body rewards me when I think of submission, let alone actually submit. Whatever “pleasure” endorphins or neurochemicals the brain naturally produces all go into overdrive when I submit (or even just think about it). Simply put, these pleasure chemicals feel good! My mom said I didn’t need any drugs in my life, and while I know she meant the illicit type, oh how wrong she was. Endorphins and the various natural neurochemicals our body produces are heaven!
Interesting, but I’ve read stuff that indicates some people get a release of these pleasure chemicals when they think of their religion. Brain scans of people who identify as highly religious show a lot of activity in their “pleasure centers” when they are asked to think about their religion. Religion is a form of submission. Interesting that the brain “rewards” some of us for submission.
Of course, the debate is, was there something in our nurturing that “trained” our brain as to what it deemed pleasurable, or were we hard-wired at birth? Studies agree it isn’t one or the other, but a mix of both, and likely more nature versus nurture (at least from what I have read).
FINDING DD (Revisited)
I cover this in more detail in my Back Story and will summarize it here. I didn’t get into Domestic Discipline until I was 45 and married for 23 years. I “had it together” during those 23 years. Things pretty much had to be my way and Mike pretty much conceded.
I found myself seeking greater and greater control of everything. Part of this was to compensate for my son’s special needs. By controlling his environment to give him every possible opportunity to thrive in every moment of every day, I could at least yield some influence over a condition I couldn’t cure. Mentally I dismissed every act of my control as an act of love for my son, no matter if it really related to his care or not. In my mind, the more problems I could solve (control), and the more deeds I could do, the better my son would be. It didn’t matter if it was solving his problems, or my sister’s, or my nieces or nephews, friends and neighbors, Mike’s, my other kids, or Kayla’s. Their problems became my problems and I was going to help solve them. Suffice to say, I burnt myself out.
OPEN TO ANY SOLUTION
My overload led me to seek a change in my life which to me, meant reading and researching to figure it out. I stumbled across Domestic Discipline. My first thought about DD was “that’s dumb, move on.” However, I have this odd habit that the more negative my initial reaction is to something, the more I want to read about it. I have found that I have learned so much by opening myself up to things that are contrary to my gut reaction.
I encourage everyone to fight through any initial gut reaction they have to a topic and instead say, “Okay, I’ll hear you out.” The trick then is to actually hear the message and not just go through the motions. It is hard, as you have to be humble and assume the best intentions from the contrary point of view. Easier said than done. If you don’t believe me, what’s your gut reaction when you hear something contrary to your beliefs about race, religion, or politics? How open are you to really listening to someone whose thoughts are different from yours? It’s not easy and admittedly, I don’t always do it well.
I digress, but this “lesson” is worth sharing — Keeping your mind open and really hearing the other side is amazing in finding personal growth. There are times when I do this that I find reinforcement and support for my gut reaction – but there are more times where I at least shift my beliefs to something more moderate, as I find greater understanding regarding the motivations and desires of the “other side.” And then there are the rare occasions where I completely change my point of view. DD was one such time.
I knew I was on to something after only about thirty minutes or so of reading about DD. It just resonated with me and my mind was already “rewarding” me with those pleasure chemicals. I remember getting excited and my heart beating faster as I began to formulate how I could incorporate DD into my life. The rest of that journey is laid out in my other posts, basically from posts 1-12.
All of what I stated above was a long way of simply saying that while Donna may feel my path to DD was “bright” compared to hers, mine still came about due to a void, a yearning, a missing piece from my life that only submission could fill for me. It also came from a point of just being exhausted trying to do it all. I loved the thought of giving up my self-imposed responsibility to lead everything in exchange for a self-imposed responsibility to simply follow Mike.
I see the irony in that my DD is akin to what my mother rebelled against – but the BIG difference is that I chose this. It comes down to giving consent versus being controlled. I think if I had married a domineering man, I too would have rebelled. He was not going to demand submission from me. If I were to give it, it would be because it was my gift. It was not because someone expected it from me. In fact, I married a man who was willing to defer to me, and perhaps because he deferred too much (or I demanded too much), I reached a point where I was willing to give up all control and fully submit to him.
Not sure where I intended to go with this post, but I needed to get these feelings out. The discussions with Donna these last few weeks has been like a submissive-group therapy session that got me to reevaluate my reasons for choosing this and reinforcing my commitments. Not that I had doubts, but it’s always a good thing to periodically review your motivations for getting into something and ensure the benefits are aligned with those motivations and that they still hold true for what you and your loved ones need today.
All this talk with Donna even helped lead to a moment of clarity that I didn’t see coming. Let me just say that emotions often come with an entourage of associates, allowing their presence to go unnoticed as they influence you while hiding amongst the others.
More on that on the next post.
NEXT POST: 87. AND THERE IT WAS