320. Domestic Discipline Contract Version 3.1

Here’s our latest contract.  I refer to it as our 3.1 Version as it isn’t that much different than the one we completed in October 2017.   I touched on some of the differences in Post 313.

And the 2017 version was a big step from our October 2015 version that I refer to as our “2.0” version.   Our 1.0 versions were the two we had from March 2015 to October 2015.  I don’t have copies of those. 

Our very first agreement was just for 30 days as we were trying to figure this out, and the second was for six months.  Confident in what we learned those first seven months, we did a two-year agreement.  Then a two-and-half year agreement.   We did it for 2.5 years because we wanted to sync up the date with our “DD Anniversary” of March 17.  Hey, even kinksters can be sentimental! 

As part of our contract ceremony, once we have agreed on all the changes, we plop our agreement into the barbeque grill and light it on fire.  We then just hold each other and watch it burn.  At that moment, we have no written agreement regarding our dynamic.  We then go inside and sign our new agreement.   

The reason for this is that we don’t want each agreement to just mark an extension of our commitments to each other.  We want them to technically all be NEW commitments, as they did not exist until we signed the new document.  Even though it may only be a matter of minutes between the burning and signing, it is symbolic and very emotional. I get teary-eyed as I am signing.  

I am so happy to have this blog as a reflection.  Like last time, contract time prompted me to go back and read my first dozen or so posts.  I just can’t believe where I was and how far I’ve come in consistently being the wife, mother, sister, friend, and person I want to be.

Okay, enough sentimental stuff.   By the way, we talked about paring it down quite a bit.  We really don’t need such much detail any more as we have internalized so much of it.   The agreement boils down to three simple things – Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  Ultimately, we decided to leave the detail in.  It was really fun to re-read it and go through each and every word.  Sort of a recommitment, a restating of our DD vows!   Ahhhh, isn’t that sweet?  I guess I wasn’t quite done with the sentimental stuff.   Now I am. 

Or am I?  I also had this one last thought.  I’ve read various things on DD contracts and they often are structured around the “negative” of three D’s – Dishonesty, Disobedience, and Danger.  Early on I choose to make those more positive and state them in a way that is conveying the outcome I was seeking, not the behavior I was trying to avoid.   Sounds subtle, but it meant a lot to me then, and still does today.   Thus, Honest, Obedience, and Safety are what I strive for and for which I am accountable to Mike.    

Here’s our latest masterpiece!  hee-hee.   Apologize for any formatting errors I didn’t catch.  WordPress acts a bit funky with the formatting.

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DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

 TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Purpose
   II. Definitions
   III. Effective Date, Term, and Negotiation
   IV. General Duties and Obligations
   V. Jennifer’s Specific Duties and Obligations
   VI. Discipline
   VII. Maintenance Sessions
   Exhibit A.  Mantras

Whereas Michael and Jennifer voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, are entering into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement codifying and reinforcing their commitments, duties, and obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE

This Agreement codifies Jennifer’s desires to conduct herself in ways that serve Michael and allows her to live the life she desires for herself and to love life, every moment, and every day.
This Agreement codifies Michael’s desires to conduct himself in ways that support Jennifer’s desires to serve him.

Michael’s statement of intent: Jennifer, my love for you is absolute, without limits or conditions.   I admire, respect, and love all that you do for me and our family.  I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated.  Thank you for the immeasurable trust and confidence you place in me, and most importantly, for your love.  I intend to consistently adhere to your wishes in helping you live the life you strive to live and to be the person you strive to be.

Jennifer’s statement of intent: Michael, I can’t imagine a better partner in life.  Words fail to fully express my thanks, joy, admiration, fulfillment, and love that I receive from you and feel towards you.  I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as yet another chapter in my desire to submit to you.  I look forward to consistently meeting my commitments with your leadership to guide me.  I surrender myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you are without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS

1. DISOBEDIENCE: A violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations. 
2. DISCIPLINE: A consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. Other commonly understood terms for such consequences include but are not limited to “correction,” “discipline,” “punishment,” “reprimand,” and “reward.”  The forms of Discipline are specified in Section VI.7.

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND NEGOTIATION

1. TERM and TERMINATION: Michael and Jennifer agree to these terms effective March 17, 2019.  These terms remain valid until March 17, 2021 (“Termination Date”). This contract shall terminate on March 17, 2021, unless amended as mutually agreed upon.
2. NEGOTIATION DATE: Michael and Jennifer shall meet starting no later than February 17, 2021 (“Negotiation Date”), to begin negotiation on a new agreement. If the parties are unable to meet by the Negotiation Date or are unable to complete the negotiations on that day, both parties must mutually agree on alternative and or additional Negotiation Date(s).
3. NEGOTIATION MEETING:  Michael and Jennifer will discuss and agree upon any desired changes to this Agreement.  It is not a critique of anyone’s past performance under the Agreement and discussions are focused on what is desired for the future. Michael will call the meeting to order by declaring, “Negotiation of our Domestic Discipline Agreement shall now begin.”
4. SUSPENSION OF THIS AGREEMENT: Upon Michael’s declaration that negotiations have begun, all aspects except Section III of this Agreement are suspended.  Jennifer enters the Negotiation Meeting on equal terms as Michael, no longer submissive to him.  Jennifer speaks first to recognize that she is the author of this Agreement and can consider Michael’s input at her discretion.  If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, Jennifer will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time} and I am once again bound by our existing Agreement.”  Upon that declaration, the Suspension of this Agreement ends and the existing Agreement is in full effect until Michael calls the next Negotiation meeting to order.  Once this Agreement is signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Negotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.”

SECTION IV. GENERAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

1. FOR JENNIFER: Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding the moral commitments she has made under this Agreement.  It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be accountable to Michael for any and all of her behaviors.  Jennifer shall defer to Michael’s judgment in determining if her behavior is Disobedient and defer to Michael’s judgment in determining proper Discipline.  If Jennifer has any concerns about Michael’s execution of her Discipline, she will respectively discuss it only during Maintenance Sessions.  Jennifer accepts Michael’s commands not because she is any less than Michael, but because Jennifer accepts Michael’s authority over her
2. FOR MICHAEL: Michael shall strive to never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable for her behavior.  Michael commits to sharing his desires with Jennifer, however prurient, patriarchal, or misogynistic they may be interpreted by Jennifer or others, and Michael will inform Jennifer if he demands her to help fulfill those desires in any way. Michael will strive to be stern and maintain a somber and serious tone in administering Discipline.

SECTION V. JENNIFER’s SPECIFIC DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations consist of Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.

1. HONESTY:  Jennifer’s shall always be unquestionably honest with Michael, behaving in a way that cannot be disputed or doubted.  Evaluating her honesty is at Michael’s discretion.  Any doubt Michael has to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest.  Dishonesty includes embellishment, deceit, disingenuousness, withholding whole or part of the truth, and failure to share with Michael information that he deems Jennifer should know is important to share with him.
2. OBEDIENCE: Includes (1) Respect Michael as Head of Household, (2) Physical Self Care, (3) Emotional Self-Care, (4) Finances.
   1. .RESPECT MICHAEL AS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLDconsists of 10 (ten) components:
      1. Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement:  Jennifer shall maintain, at all times, whether in public or in private, a respectful tone in speaking to Michael; avoiding a tone that Michael interprets as rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him; responding to Michael with “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” or “Thank you, Sir” as appropriate; never cuss at Michael.
      2. Promptness: Jennifer shall do what Michael tells her without hesitation and without body language that Michael may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Michael’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Michael.  This includes instructions Michael gives on any topic, any time, in any place.
      3. Sexual Obedience: Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and anywhere and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer will adhere to “Anytime.    Anything.  Anyone.  Without hesitation.”  Jennifer shall behave in a way that Mike perceives as oblivious as to the time, place, activity, and/or person(s) involved.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Michael demanded.  Michael shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  Jennifer must share with Michael all sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has.
      4. Homemaker: Jennifer shall remain joyful, scheduled, and optimized regarding her homemaker duties which include all household chores regarding organization and cleanliness, and presentability, including ironing.
         1. Joyful: Jennifer shall never refer or imply to anyone that her Homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience or react to her Homemaker duties in a way that is displeasing to Michael.
         2. Scheduled: Jennifer shall create, maintain, and adhere to a written schedule of chores, errands, events, and masturbation, and submit the schedule and any changes for Michael’s editing and approval.  Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when the schedule is not complete.  Jennifer is allowed to have music on while she performs her household chores unless she has sought Michael’s permission to have the television on.  Jennifer shall not behave in a manner that increases any household chores such as leaving her own trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out, towels on the floor, etc.  Further, she is to immediately pick up any such items others have left out.
         3. Optimized: Jennifer shall research the optimal way to perform various duties that she has not previously researched. Such as tips on ironing, cleaning, folding fitted sheets, or other household tasks. She will share such research with Michael and incorporate what she learned, as well as Michael’s preferences, into her methods.
      5. Mantras: Jennifer shall begin each morning and end each evening by correctly reciting her Morning Mantra or Evening Mantra three times as per Exhibit A.  If Michael is home she will recite it in his presence.  If Michael is not home, she will recite them over the phone to him.  If a call was not possible, she will record herself reciting them out loud and text the recording to Michael.  Jennifer’s Morning Mantra shall be the first words she speaks for the day, and her Evening Mantra shall be her last.  If she speaks again that evening, she will again have to repeat her Evening Mantra so that it remains her last spoken words of the day.
      6. Availability and Awareness. Jennifer shall let Michael know where she is at all times. She is to provide Michael an appropriate and timely reminder of scheduled events she attends outside the house.  She must keep her cell phone battery charged and have a way for Michael to reach her at any time.  Jennifer shall ask Michael’s permission before doing something that could mean a change in the usual routine or that could result in a delay in the performance of her Duties and Obligations.
      7. Permission: Jennifer shall ask Michael’s permission when; leaving the house for other than scheduled errands, faced with decisions regarding her social calendar, such as friends asking her to lunch, when a repairman asks for approval on work to be done, or when family members make a request of her time.  When such decisions are needed she is to let the person know using wording similar to:  “I need to check with my husband.”
      8. Deference: Consistent with the respectfulness, dutifulness, and obedience that Jennifer desires, Jennifer shall defer to Michael’s judgment on any matter that Michael and Jennifer may disagree on.  She may calmly discuss the matter at a Maintenance Session and any discussion ends when Michael says it ends, and any decision he makes will be accepted by Jennifer.  Jennifer shall also consult with Michael on any major decisions before Jennifer makes her opinions known to anyone other than Michael.  Jennifer will always defer to Michael in public, never questioning his statements and never offering her opinion unless Michael has asked.
      9. Loyalty: Jennifer shall never complain to others about Michael or about any of her responsibilities.  Complaining includes coming across as burdened, frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced by Michael or by her Duties and Responsibilities.  Any of Jennifer’s concerns or complaints should be aired only to Michael.   Further, accounts Jennifer provides to others regarding Michael or her Duties and Obligations should always be done in positive terms with reverence and joy.
      10. Assignments At any time and at his full discretion, Michael may provide Jennifer with a specific Assignment such as reading a particular book or doing research, as well as providing a written report to him on the book or research.  The Assignment may also encompass any other tasks that he may assign for any reason.
   2. PHYSICAL SELF-CAREconsists of four components:
      1. Physical Well-Being: Jennifer shall look after her physical well-being; bathing, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities),  maintaining weight acceptable to Michael, exercising to Michael’s satisfaction, going to regular doctor, dental, optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed, getting the flu shot, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.), and getting good rest, including adhering to a bedtime prescribed by Michael.
      2. Physical Appearance: Jennifer shall maintain a physical appearance pleasing to Michael and subject to all his demands.  These demands include but are not limited to; maintaining hair that is presentable and styled to Michael’s liking, maintaining or attaining a weight to Michael’s liking, putting on sufficient make up as early in the morning as reasonable, and maintaining pubic hair according to Michael’s demands, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, shape, or grow out. Jennifer shall seek Mike’s permission and approval before obtaining any body piercings, tattoos, or any type of body modification, including the removal of existing piercings.
      3. Attire: Jennifer shall be fully nude at home unless given permission by Michael to the contrary.  Jennifer has Michael’s implied permission for things such as a solicitor or delivery person who comes to the door but Jennifer shall inform Michael of this.  Michael may deem that Jennifer is in violation if he feels the situation did not warrant her to be clothed.   Whenever possible Jennifer should ask Mike for permission to be clothed before donning clothes in the house.  When Jennifer is dressed, whether in public or in private, Jennifer shall dress consistent to Michael demands, including whether or not she is to wear a bra or panties.  Jennifer shall always ask Michael’s permission to remove her nipple piercings.
      4. Gracefulness: Jennifer shall walk gracefully, sit down smoothly, and assume a pretty sitting posture, in public at Michael’s discretion. Michael shall correct her if she is not presenting herself gracefully.
   3. EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE Consists of five components:
      1. Feelings: Jennifer shall avoid overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Michael regarding decreasing or eliminating her attention on others.  Jennifer shall always share with Michael any negative feelings she may be having about any person, experience, or subject.  Such negative feelings include but are not limited to anxiety, boredom, irritation, sadness, stress, and jealousy.  Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings.
      2. Relationships: Jennifer shall maintain healthy, positive relationships with friends and family.  Jennifer will cut off relationships that Michael believes are unhealthy; however, Maintenance Sessions can be used for open and respectful dialogue and Michael must allow Jennifer to make reasonable attempts to improve a questionable relationship before Michael forbids it.
      3. Workload: Jennifer shall only take on tasks she can handle.  It is at Michael’s discretion to determine if she has taken on too much.  Behaviors Jennifer is known to exhibit when overworked include but are not limited to: missed deadlines, missed appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or other items needed for that errand, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged).  Other indicators are at Michael’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report as soon as she begins to feel burdened by her workload.
      4. Masturbation: Jennifer shall masturbate alone and to climax three times a week, not including any additional demands from Michael.  Two of the three masturbation session must be written into her weekly Homemaker Schedule per Section V.2.1.4.2.
      5. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain a handwritten daily journal addressing these topics
         1. Jennifer’s reflection on significant events of the day, including any Discipline she may have received that day.
         2. Any Disobedient act of Jennifer’s that Michael was not aware of.
         3. Insights into her required masturbating, including details of when, where, how, and for how long she masturbated.
         4. A detailed account of any sexual activity she had with anyone other than Michael if Michael was not present during the activity, including details on the acts performed and how she felt before, during, and afterward.
         5. Points of clarity she is seeking regarding any topic Jennifer wants to address at Maintenance.
         6. Any concerns or troubling thoughts she has on any topic, including any moments she may not have felt submissive or acted as submissively as she would have liked.
      6. Self-disparaging Remarks: Jennifer shall never disparage herself for any reason, such as referring to herself as a whore, slut, or any other negative term.  While she may do so for humor, it is at Michael’s discretion as to whether the humor was appropriate.  
   4. FINANCES: Jennifer shall keep within the budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities, as defined by Michael, such as food and toiletries without Michael’s permission, regardless of the cost of the item.  If something needs to be returned, she is to promptly return it.  She does not leave lights on in a room if she is the last to exit and she is not to waste water or any household materials.
3. SAFETY consists of the following:
   1. RISK OF ACCIDENT, INJURY, OR THEFT: Jennifer shall not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others.  This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Michael will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.  Jennifer shall never run out of gas while driving, shall make sure the house is locked when she leaves it unoccupied, shall not leave her credit or debit card or drivers license at any store or office, and shall make sure the garage door is closed after she comes home.
   2. RISK OF JUDGMENT OF FAMILY OR FRIENDS: Jennifer must show discretion and respect for her and her family’s safety regarding sharing aspects of her lifestyle with others.  Such aspects include but are not limited to Domestic Discipline, Dominant/submissive, Polyamory, or Swinging. Jennifer shall not initiate disseminating such information but is free to answer any direct question someone may have of her about those aspects of her lifestyle.  Such answers should provide the minimal amount of information necessary to truthfully answer their question.  This includes sharing additional details with people who are already aware of some or all aspects of her lifestyle.  Jennifer shall promptly share with Michael any such disclosures she made to someone.  It will be at Michael’s discretion to determine if such disclosure was consistent with Jennifer demonstrating appropriate discretion and respect for Safety.

SECTION VI: DISCIPLINE

1. GENERAL GUIDELINES:
   1. MICHAEL’S AUTHORITY: Jennifer grants Michael full and ultimate authority to determine the appropriate Discipline Jennifer is to receive.  Michael may use his discretion to provide any Discipline not explicitly defined or explained in this Agreement.
   2. DISPUTES: If Jennifer feels her Discipline was not consistent with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Discipline and accept it without complaint or use her Safe Words to modify or stop the Discipline.  She can then use the next Maintenance Session to discuss her concerns about the Discipline she received.
   3. SAFEWORDS: Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving Discipline.  Use of a safe word will not subject Jennifer to additional Discipline for her use of the said safe word.
      1. Yellow instructs Michael to pause.  Michael will ask Jennifer if it is okay to resume that specific activity that caused her to call “Yellow” or if he needs to alter the Discipline.  The Discipline will not resume until Jennifer indicates it is okay to either proceed with the Discipline that was being given or she indicates that different Discipline is needed.
      2. Red instructs Michael to stop.  Michael and Jennifer will discuss whether or not the Discipline can resume in some alternative form.  It will be at Jennifer’s discretion to resume; else it will be considered complete and After Care will commence.    
   4. HARD LIMITS: Jennifer may alter, add, or remove any Hard Limits at any time.  Current hard limits include Blood, Branding, Breath Play, Gun Play, Fire Play, Knife Play, Piercing (in the context of play or Discipline), Scat, and any illegal activities.
2. DISCIPLINE TIMING/LOCATION: Michael will strive to promptly administer all Discipline.  When Michael determines it is not possible to quickly administer Discipline, it will be administered as soon as reasonably possible.  Jennifer agrees to be subject to Discipline at any time, at any place, without regard to how public or private it may be, regardless who else may be present, and regardless the type of Discipline Michael chooses to administer, whether verbal, physical, bare bottom, or otherwise.  If Michael is comfortable administering the Discipline at a given time and place, Jennifer must accept the Discipline in that given time and place.  When Discipline is provided at home and Michael directs Jennifer to go to her room, it will follow the Discipline Ceremony as per Section V.4.; otherwise, it will follow Section V.5.
3. DISCIPLINE INTEGRITY: Discipline shall generally be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner, with the exception of lectures.  Jennifer expressly desires Michael to be as stern, serious, and mean as he chooses when lecturing her.  Michael may use condescending and/or degrading terms of his choosing.  Michael shall determine the type, duration, and intensity of the Discipline necessary for Jennifer to be Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered.  Jennifer’s demeanor and body language shall be consistent with being Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered, and is subject to Michael’s interpretation.  Michael shall perform appropriate After Care and perform the Closing Ceremony to mark the end of that Discipline.
   1. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is expected to be for both letting Michael down for failing to be Honest, Obedient, or Safe, and for letting herself down for failing to uphold her Duties and Obligations in being submissive to Michael.
   2. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically and emotionally surrendered while being Disciplined, granting Michael complete ability to deliver the Discipline.  This means no pulling away, pushing Michael’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Discipline. Unless instructed otherwise, Jennifer will avoid eye contact with Michael.  If she is standing, her head and eyes should be facing downward with her hands clasped behind her back. Jennifer encourages Michael to verbally demand her to present and maintain specific surrendered postures.
   3. Aftercare: Michael is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintaining a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus is on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. 
   4. Closing Ceremony: At the completion of the Discipline, Michael will say, “All is forgiven.”  Jennifer will respond, “All is forgiven.”  This serves as a sign that Michael has forgiven her and that Jennifer has forgiven herself.   Further, Michael harbors no negative feelings towards Jennifer for her need for Discipline, and Jennifer harbors no negative feelings towards Michael for his administering Discipline.  Life moves on in peace.   
      .
4. DISCIPLINE CEREMONY:  When Jennifer is directed to go to her room to be Disciplined.
   1. Upon entering the room Jennifer will disrobe if not already nude. 
   2. Jennifer shall stand facing the designated corner waiting for Michael. Absent any other instructions from Michael regarding her posture, her default posture will be to stand upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. 
   3. Jennifer will not make eye contact or even acknowledge Michael when he enters the room. Jennifer is to remain silent and await any command.  Michael may demand that Jennifer retrieve an implement or he may have already selected one.  Michael will then call Jennifer over.
   4. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Michael with her eyes open and her head bowed.
   5. Michael speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is being Disciplined.  Jennifer must look up and into Michael’s eyes and accurately state why.   If she does not know or is inaccurate, Michael may choose to increase the severity of the Discipline.  When Jennifer speaks she must speak clearly, calmly, and matter-of-factly so that Michael can easily hear.  While maintaining eye contact with Michael, Jennifer must recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.  Jennifer is then to return to bowing her head and avoiding eye contact until After Care.
   6. Michael shall thank Jennifer for recognizing her Disobedience and her acceptance of his leadership and authority.  Michael may begin or continue to lecture Jennifer.
   7. Michael will instruct Jennifer as to the position she must take.  Michael will then administer the Discipline and may continue lecturing throughout. Michael may assign other Discipline(s) such as writing lines, corner time, or anything else at his discretion before initiating the Closing Ceremony per Section VI 3.3 and Section VI.3.4
      .
5. IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINE:  When Michael administers Discipline on the spot, without sending Jennifer to her room.
   1. Michael will provide Jennifer instructions regarding a location suitable to him to provide the Discipline, including on the spot she where she stands.  She is to follow Michael’s instructions regarding the removal of any or all clothing and as to what position she is to take.     
   2. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply without regard to the surroundings.
   3. Michael will deliver her initial Discipline.  Immediate Discipline is given without warm up, with strokes that are in quick succession and continue as long as Michael wishes.   The intent is to create a sort of “Shock and Awe” such that Jennifer knows that she may be subject to quick and immediate Discipline the moment she is Disobedient. 
   4. Michael will ask Jennifer why she is being Disciplined.  Michael will administer additional Discipline if Jennifer is uncertain or incorrect.  Michael will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Discipline. 
   5. Jennifer shall receipt her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.
   6. Michael may lecture Jennifer as he deems necessary and will then Discipline Jennifer a final time.  Michael may assign other Discipline such as writing lines, corner time, or anything else at his discretion before initiating the Closing Ceremony per Section VI.3.3. and Section VI.3.4.
6. MAINTENANCE DISCIPLINE: All Maintenance Sessions will begin and end with a spanking at Michael’s discretion.  These are not intended as punishment, but as a reminder of Jennifer’s submission and to provide her appropriate release as per Michael’s discretion. 
7. CATEGORIES OF DISCIPLINE
   1. SPANKING DISCIPLINE consists of Jennifer being spanked with an implement of Michael’s choice, or by hand.  She may be spanked on any part of her body that Michael determines is appropriate for her Discipline.
   2. NON-SPANKING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINEconsists of any physical discipline other than a spanking.  It includes but is not limited to breast bindings, nipple clamps, tack bra, butt plug, nipple and/or clit clamps, enemas, or any other device or implement intended to cause appropriate discomfort consistent with the Discipline Michael wants to administer.
   3. NON-PHYSICAL DISCIPLINEincludes but is not limited to corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet or seeing family or friends.  Any restrictions on seeing family or friends is not to exceed one week. 
   4. VERBAL DISCIPLINEconsists of any verbal admonishing and/or lecturing Michael may direct at Jennifer.  It is rarely given by itself as behaviors requiring Verbal Discipline most often require other forms of Discipline be administered.

SECTION VII. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS

1. SUNDAY SESSIONS consist of  Michael and Jennifer meeting to discuss certain topics allowing Jennifer to seek clarification on any Discipline or any other aspect of their dynamic, have Michael review Jennifer’s behavior and progress, have Jennifer present her Daily Journal for inspection, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Discipline as per guidelines in Section VII.3.
2. THURSDAY SESSIONSconsist of Michael and Jennifer meeting with Kayla to review the collective triad dynamic with the intent of maintaining and fostering health and open communication between the three of them.  Jennifer will receive Maintenance Discipline per Section VII.3.
3. MAINTENANCE SESSION CEREMONY Jennifer shall be nude throughout and will begin with Michael administering her first Maintenance Discipline.
   1. Much like After-Care, Michael and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Michael.  Michael will, in turn, express his love for Jennifer and thank her for the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.
   2. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  They will then discuss Jennifer’s behaviors and Discipline that week.  All discussions will focus only on that week.  Jennifer will not bring up past issues as those issues are considered resolved. Jennifer will present her Daily Journal to Michael for his review and inspection.
      Jennifer will self-report on any Disobedience that occurred that week for which Michael was unaware. Michael will administer any Discipline he deems necessary for any of Jennifer’s self-reported Disobedience, as well as for any Journal shortcomings.
      Michael will lecture Jennifer as to his expectations of her for the coming week and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer.
      Jennifer will be given corner time for self-reflection as determined by Michael.  Michael may choose to leave the room, stay, or come and go during her corner time.  When corner time is up, she is to masturbate to climax.  After Jennifer’s orgasm she is to lay in bed, meditate, and it is acceptable for her to fall asleep as she waits for further instruction.
      When Michael determines her self-reflection time is complete, he will call Jennifer over.  She is to kneel in front of him, look up into his eyes, and recite her Morning and Evening Mantras per Exhibit A.  She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.  Michael may wait for as long as he chooses before holding her outstretched hands.  While holding her hands, Jennifer will remain kneeling with her head bowed.
      When Michael is ready, he will instruct Jennifer to take a position and receive her last Maintenance Discipline.
      Appropriate After-Care is administered and the Maintenance Session is over
   3. THURSDAY SESSIONS: After Maintenance Discipline is given, the remainder of the Thursday sessions are unstructured and at Mike’s discretion.  They may include a final Maintenance Discipline.
      .

EXHIBIT A:  MANTRAS

1. MORNING MANTRA
   “Today I desire submission;
   through humility, not humiliation,
   through service, not suffering, 
   through being present, not in pain
   through being useful, not used,  
   through discipline, not punishment, 
   through focusing on Michael’s desires, my only need and purpose.”
2. EVENING MANTRA
   “Thank you, Michael. 
   Thank you, Michael, for leading, as I follow you.
   Thank you, Michael, for working, as I serve you.
   Thank you, Michael, for providing, as I appreciate you.
   Thank you, Michael, for guiding, as I trust you.
   Thank you, Michael, for deciding, as I obey you.
   I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.
3. DISCIPLINE MANTRA
   I accept your leadership and authority over me.
   I accept whatever discipline you decide that I have earned.
   I accept and appreciate the punishment I have earned
   I apologize for {transgression} as that does not represent the person and wife I want to be.
   I apologize that you have to take the time to correct me
   I am ready to be punished.

Next: 321. Perception is Reality

263. Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant.  Ah!  A time to rejoice!  I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.”  So, Yes!  He is finally expressing he wants more!  Yes, yes, yes! 

NO!
As I stated before.  I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me.  From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s.   But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity. 

THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be.  I am his submissive, yes?  True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply.  BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so.   It kind of goes like this . . .

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT 
JEN:  Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated.  While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands.  Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause.  In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.   

MIKE:  Your honor,  our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,”  Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.”  Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline.  She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe.  Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.”  Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here.  I rest my case.     

JEN:  I object, your honor.  That statement is incomplete.  The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience.   In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior.  Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.”  And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence.  In other words, a precursor to Discipline.  The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement.  It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.

And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause.  In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation.  However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action.  As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on.   If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it.  If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible.  If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.   

Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations.  The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties.  Our Agreement is clear.  Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.        

THE JUDGES:   Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).

The committee voted 5-2 in my favor.  However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause.  Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened.  Really!  What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA?  Not buying it?  Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .  

MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him.  Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent.  I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike.  So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if  I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.  

Yes, that would have been a good opening remark.  But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements.  In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract.   And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post).   Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part.  And now he wants more?

HYPOCRITE? 
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.”  It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here.  And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.”  No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things.  It is about Equity and Fairness.

Well, poop!  I am human.  There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress).   In addition, I was feeling vulnerable.  I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve.  I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.

BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me).  As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself.  I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.”  Hee-hee.  Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.  

I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me.  I apologized for bringing them up.  He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment.  It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now.  “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing.  Can we talk about that first?”   

So we did.

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you.  After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted?    Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform.   But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.

His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.”   Yep.  I thought he would have a list of things he wanted.  He did not.

It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted.  Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want.   But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is.   At least it got some dialogue rolling.   It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.

RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.”    Here is what concluded: 

• Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time.  After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now).  It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon. 
• Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings.  I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples.  We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
  
• We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus.  When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for.  In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well.  Very equitable!  And these things weren’t really new. 

This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did?  This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased?   Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission?  The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post. 

By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:

• Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement  
  As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect. 
• Sexual Obedience
  Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt.  I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission.  Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it.  Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place. 
• Household Duties
  Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months. 
• Availability and Awareness / Permission
  I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule.  This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.  
• Leaving Home Reminders
  This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit.  I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike.  And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.  
• Weigh-in
  This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip.  My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.  
• Gracefullness
  I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this.  While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
• Attire
  Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out.  Something he rarely asks of me.  He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary.  This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code.  He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra.  I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra.  The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
• Nudity be damned
  Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc)  He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason.  No more!  Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks.   J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
  
• Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
  Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it.  What of his Dominance?  Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?”   He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note:  this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive).   After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
  This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.

In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation.  My sentence?  My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!

NEXT: Post 264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

 

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

132. Good Groove/ Bad Move – Spanked!

Three weeks since posting and IMHO I have a good reason.  Simply put, nothing much was going on.   It was three weeks of a routine Domestic Discipline household.  I have been very good with my Duties and Obligations and, while I don’t keep track of this, I believe I’ve gone my longest time without a punishments.   In the past, if ten or so days went by with no spanking, I would end up asking for one (Maintenance spankings help, but aren’t enough).   I shared such “mercy” spankings before such as in Post 126 and Post 42.

GOOD GROOVE!
This time was different.  Fulfilling my duties and obligations was fully satisfying and I did not feel a yearning for a spanking.   I can’t fully explain why that is.  If I could put my finger on it I’d certainly try and bottle it for future use.  I think it is just how life works sometimes.  You just get in a positive grove that feeds on itself.  Just like there are times you might get in a negative rut that feeds on itself.

At the same time I’ve been in this groove, Kayla has completely settled into her submissive/slave routine.  She seems to have found the level of submission she has been seeking (and it’s much deeper than mine).  She too hasn’t been yearning for more and more.  I credit Mike for a lot of this as he has been extremely responsive to Kayla’s needs.  I know for some this sounds like a violation of the M/s principles, but to each his (or her) own.  I believe for submission to work it has to start with the submissive.  The submissive must achieve a level of submission that delivers them emotional prosperity.   That prosperity is facilitated by the Dom, but can’t be dictated by the Dom.   Of course, I don’t mean to state this in absolutes.  I am sure there are different dynamics that work fine for other D/s, or M/s  relationships.   But for me personally, it is an absolute.  

So while I have gone some time without a spanking, Kayla can’t say the same — but she is very happy with that.  She has many more Duties and Obligations and is precisely held to them.  Even her Duties and Obligations include acts that to me, are punishments.   With Kayla in her own “positive groove” and with me in mine, well, there just hasn’t been much to share you with.   Until now!

BAD MOVE!
I was having lunch with some girlfriends of mine – 5 to be exact.  An old high school friend and her sister, a former co-worker and one of her close friends (so a friend of a friend), and a friend I met years ago through someone else.  These are all non-kink girlfriends,  as in, platonic, “normal” friendships with other women.   We probably get together four or five times a year. Beyond that, it is Facebook, Twitter, and texting.  

We got together recently and the topic of sex came up.  Now I said these were “normal” friends, and I don’t know about you, but us girls talk about sex.  Not overly graphic, mostly innuendo, humorous type references, but sex none-the-less.  One of them has a husband who just turned 50 and someone asked her, “So, what’s it like sleeping with a 50 year old?”   That turned the conversation to sex.  I made some comment and someone jokingly said, “What would you know, Mike’s not 50.”   My snarky come back was, “Well, who said I was talking about Mike?”  

I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth that I had done a “no-no.”   There was a fleeting moment where I thought I should just laugh and tell them I was kidding and that would be that.  So in that fleeting moment what did I say?.  “Oh wait, no, he is under 50 also.” 

I don’t  know what compelled me to say such things.  I believe, in part, it is the fact that I am not ashamed of my lifestyle and in fact, am grateful for it.  Another part is that I was riding a wave of contentment – that “positive groove” I mentioned earlier.  Whatever the motivation, I said it, and there it was.  I just told them I slept with someone other than Mike.

This, of course, led to questions.  Again, instead of ending it all as simply a silly joke, I answered them honestly.  I did show some discretion.  I didn’t give names, but ultimately shared that Mike and I have swapped and had foursomes and continue to do so.  What I shared with them basically dealt with our relationship with John and Donna, but I never named them.  I didn’t reference anything about our relationship with Kayla, domestic discipline, or submission.   

Their reactions were pretty cool.  They were inquisitive, jovial, and even supportive. If they were judgmental, shocked, or even disgusted, they hid it well.   Anyway, this isn’t about their reaction.  It is about Mike’s. 

Of course I told Mike that I told them.  He got upset.  We agreed that any decisions to share anything about TTWD would be made mutually – it is even stated in my DD contract.  Mike knew that I am fully aware of this as it is not some vague item in the contract that we’ve forgotten about.  We’ve talked about this issue before, such as when I wanted to tell Kayla or tell my sisters about TTWD.   Mike felt I boldly and blatantly chose to ignore my Duties and Obligations under the contract.  Moreover, even if the contract didn’t exist it was very discourteous of me to share this with anyone without discussing it with him.  

Mike said that this was more than just me not doing some act of service that I agree be responsible for.  It was more than disobeying or disrespecting him.  In his mind it was a total disregard of his privacy.  For that, I would be punished.  

I knew I shouldn’t have told them and I knew there would be a punishment in the offing. I wasn’t prepared for how significant a punishment it was going to be.   After the punishment I shared in Post 131, it seems like perhaps when I fail, I fail big!    This was another big one.  The fact I didn’t anticipate it also made it a bigger deal.  

The punishment is over, but suffice to say my nipples are raw, my ass is sore (inside and out), and I still have a lingering bad taste in my mouth.  I’ll share the details on my next post.  SPOILER ALERT.   As always, it has a happy ending!  And I don’t mean that in the cliche euphemism of “happy ending.”   Although I guess in some ways it was happy in that way too. Hee hee.  Oh, the life of a submissive!

NEXT: 133. Intense Punishment

 

66. A Quick Spanking Story

I can’t believe it’s been nine days since my last post.   Things have been pretty routine around here.  John and Donna went out of town for the long holiday weekend, so no adult time with them last weekend.

I will give you a two-fer today in two separate posts.

• The first is a spanking story to give you pervs something to get all warm and tingly about.
• The second is a more of an  esoteric ramble to give you philosophers, truth-seekers, and dreamers something to percolate in your mind.

Spanking Story
I did get a punishment over the weekend from Mike that was notable due to the severity.   I don’t get spanked often as I seem to have hit a stride with our routine and am consistently able to fulfill all my many duties and obligations.  The notable exception was last weekend.  I had gone out with my niece (she is in her twenties) for some shopping and a day out.   I forgot my cell phone, which is a no-no.  I called Mike from my niece’s phone to make him aware I didn’t have my phone on me.   When I called him I didn’t expect him to scold me or tell me there would be consequences later.  He knows that I know that there will be consequences, so no need to point it out.  What I wasn’t sure of is whether he would tell me to come home now and if so, spank me of course and then he may or may not allow me to go back out.

He just matter-of-factly said that if he needed something he would call my niece’s phone.  I was relieved he didn’t want me to come home right then.  My days out are not just for fun, but are needed as part of decompressing and re-energizing myself to take on the primary care duties of our son.  I mentioned before he has a disability and caring for him can be physically and emotionally demanding.  Of course, add in all the domestic duties I have willingly taken on, and mentally I need my occasional days out.

I knew what was in store for me when I got home, although I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of it.   As I pulled into the garage and closed the garage door, Mike entered and said, “Drop your pants right there.”  He shared that our son was over at a friends and wouldn’t be back for about an hour.   I did so and leaned against the car and Mike proceeded to spank me by hand, very hard, probably about 30 times in rapid succession.

He then told me to undress and go to our room.  I did so, and took the customary stance in the corner, awaiting his arrival.  Mike came in the room and without moving from the corner took off his belt and gave me about 15, again in pretty rapid succession.  He then told me to clasp my hands behind my head and continue standing in the corner.  He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later.  He got the infamous prison strap and spanked me pretty hard five times, then called me over across his knee.  He spanked me countless times by hand, perhaps 200.  Not hard, but just a steady rhythm of spank after stinging spank.   Needless to say I was quite teary eyed and my ass was completely covered in the brightest shade of pink I’ve ever seen.   When he was done he had me stand in the corner about another 15 minutes and then we concluded the episode per our Rewards Ceremony and that was that.

It was while I was in the corner that I began to reflect and ponder, which leads me to the next post . . .

NEXT:  67. An Esoteric Ramble

45. Argument – Part 2

If you missed it, read Argument – Part I first.

I didn’t intend to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I ran out of time, plus the last post was kinda long anyway.  Hopefully the suspense was fun.

What was on the bed?

On the bed was the Prison Strap, and our Contract.  Laying on top of the contract was a pair of scissors.

The message was clear.  Mike was giving me a choice.  Either forget our DD, or not.

I got to give Mike credit.   He has always remained so calm and cool throughout our DD journey.   He has been unwavering in using our DD in the way I designed it and for honoring the intentions I had for DD.  He has always been sure to make DD about me and my commitments to myself, and nothing else.  His gesture with these two objects was a reminder that I had choice – either my Duties or Obligations that I created and I committed to are important and valuable, or, they are not.  In fact, this was eerily similar to the exact same reminder I had justgiven him a week or so ago when he suggested we defer our Maintenance Sessions and I asked them to continue because I didn’t want us drifting off course with our DD.

So, what was my choice?  Strap or the scissors?

The scissors of course.  Hell if I am going to endure that Prison Strap.

Domestic Discipline Out.   End of Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style!

 – Goodbye! – 

Just kidding!  I went with the strap.

I cried because it was the perfect gesture at the perfect time.  I needed something to cut through the noise of life and get me refocused on what is most important to me.   It also reminded me that our DD is about me and what I want.  Mike is willing to take it or leave it.  He participates because he knows it is important to me, and by being important to me, it is important to him.  It reminded me that in some ways he is also a submissive.  He is submitting to my desire to be submissive.  I can’t believe I just yelled at him and told him I can’t believe what he is doing to me.  Everything he has done under DD is what I’ve asked for. What I said to him was horrible.

I undressed, picked up the strap, and walked to his office, despite the proximity to my son’s room.

I walked in and he didn’t say anything.  I took a submissive pose and knelt before him and raised up my arms to present the strap to him.  He did not immediately grab it.  I was still crying a little as I was emotional about the mere thought of cutting up the Contract and I felt terrible about my behavior.

Mike said, “Jen, why are you due this Reward?”

It wasn’t lost on me that he said “Reward.”  We had got into the habit of just calling these “punishments,” although in our Contract we called punishments “rewards.”  It was another indicator that we were recommitting to honoring our Contract.

We went through our Reward Ceremony as usual where I state my transgressions and apologize for not living up to the standards I set for myself.  Mike then took the strap and placed his outstretched fingers on my chin and raised my head up so I was looking him in the eyes.  He kept his lecture short,

“Jen, your Rewards always represent failing to meet your own standards.  They are never given in anger, or with malice.  They are given because you want them and because you want them, I want them for you.”

He sat in his chair and motioned me over his knee.  He gave me the 10 warm ups by hand.

“Now” he said, “bend over and prop your elbows on my desk.”

I felt the fire on the first swat and gave out a little yell.  More in surprise than in pain.  This strap is very long and wraps around the ass so that it not only fully covers both cheeks, it catches a bit of the side.

The second came with more force than the first.  I let out a groan, clenched me teeth, and gave out a long “ERRRRR.”  Mike paused a bit and let me regain my composure and position.

Third one. Whack!   Had this been any other punishment I would have used my safe word and asked him pause, but I was of a mindset that I needed to take this full Reward.   I started crying.  I don’t cry a lot from Rewards, and when I do, it is more about the emotional release – letting go the frustrations, the stress, the negative behavior – than it is about pain. While this spanking hurt, the reasons for this cry were no different.

Fourth one.  Whack.  I don’t know if it was on purpose or Mike just missed a bit, but the end of the strap hit just one cheek, giving it an extra powerful sting.   I cried louder and frankly, this time it was more about the pain.  I called “Pause,” our safe word meaning to give me break.  It doesn’t mean stop.   Mike then said there would just be one more and to just let him know when I was ready.  I caught my breath and eventually told him I was ready.

The fifth one came and my ass was on fire and I had to quickly start rubbing it.

We followed our normal after care process and ended with our routine where Mike says, “All is forgiven” and I say back, “All is forgiven.”

And that was that.  We are back on track with our Domestic Discipline!

Next:  46. Reflections: Service, Submission, Brass Tacks, and Colonel Jessup?

44. Argument – Part I

I planned on this post being about the fun of unveiling the new toys.  While the unveiling has begun, I will save most of those stories for another post.  This post is about a disagreement Mike and I had a few days ago.

There is one new toy I want to mention before getting into details about the disagreement as it ties into this story.   The Prison Strap is a menacing looking and ominously named strap.  I ordered it because it looked so cool and I thought perhaps it would just be a novelty to own and that we wouldn’t use it in my punishments.  As part of the reveal, we of course tried it out.  It packed a wallop and had to have Mike stop even just after a few playful swats.  Suffice to say, while I couldn’t prohibit Mike from using it in a future punishment, I did tell him that he would need to be careful as it was very powerful.

So, here’s what happened regarding our argument.

My niece Emma has been going through a lot lately and she has often turned to me for advice.  As her issues impact her mother (my sister), invariably I end up talking a lot with my sister whenever Emma reaches out to me.  The result is I’ve been spending a lot of time with numerous lengthy phone calls to both of them.  (Thus a potential issue per our  Contract – Section 4.2.3).

Add in the demands on daily life, which, as I shared, have been further compounded by my son’s injury.   When he was first injured I was quite proud of doing well in keeping my commitments.  Plus Mike stepped up and did a lot more to help me out around the house.  Lastly, we backed off a little on our DD rules.  Even so, I still credit our DD lifestyle with keeping me focused and energized, the lines of communications clear and open between Mike and me, and with keeping Mike engaged in the needs of the family as a whole.  We were handling this “crisis” well.

Then, my niece’s issue arose.  Several household chores went by the wayside, plus, over about a two day period I was being messier than usual and not picking up right away (leaving dirty dishes around, cups around, trash like napkins and paper towels out, leaving towels on the floor, stuff like that). Mike had already picked up a lot of the slack due to our son’s injury, but now was doing so because I was spending several hours on the phone every day.

After the first day of spending a lot of time on the phone, Mike simply mentioned that I need to be careful as I seemed to be drifting off course.  I could talk with anyone, but it is not to interfere with my duties and it was interfering.   I dismissed it and told him I had control of it and it was just a one-time thing.  I could have been punished but I think given the recent additional stresses, Mike gave me a pass.  When it happened a second day, Mike said WE needed to return to giving all the rules our fair attention.  Our son had healed enough that we are pretty much back in our normal routine, and clearly things have drifted away from our DD structure.  Again, a punishment was in order, but Mike asked that I agree that from now on we were back to full DD-mode.  Instead of agreeing, I got mad.

I interpreted what he said as being about him having to do extra chores, so I snapped and rudely said, “Our rules do not say I do all the chores and Emma needs my help and I am going to give it.”

He calmly said,

“Yes, you do not have to do all the chores.  The agreement is that you would not talk on the phone when there were chores to do.  And it has always been our mutual expectations that we clean the kitchen, typically together, right after dinner.  And, the rules also say that you are not to be messy and you’ve been very messy lately, adding to the workload.  And I could probably name many other transgressions over the last week or so.  I gave you pass and just picked up after you, but now perhaps that was a mistake.  The situation with Emma has just compounded the distance between what you actually do and what you’ve committed to do.  Lastly, you specifically agreed not to overextend your time and emotions to family members and you agreed to that specifically because you know you tend to get enveloped in other people’s problems.”

“Oh yeah,” he added, “and you agreed to respect me in tone and manner and you did not do that with your remark.  So just how far from the Agreement do you want to get?”

Wow.  While I wasn’t in any mood to show appreciation for his knowledge of the contract, I really had no valid retort.  In hindsight I know he was making it about my commitments to myself, and not about his extra work, but at the moment I was too mad to see it.   Luckily, I wasn’t mad enough to say anything more than, “Yes, Sir.”

Mike responded, “So drop you pants and bend over.”  I complied.  He gave me a few warm up swats with his hand and then whipped off his belt and gave me about 20.   As part of our Ceremony I have to say what my transgressions were.  Part of what I said was that it included me being messy and not cleaning up.  Mike corrected me.  He said given all that had been going on with our son he was, up until that point, still willing to let the cleaning issue go with just the verbal reminder. What he was asking for was a re-commitment to our agreement going forward and that the spanking was only for rudely snapping at him.

He lectured me more than usual.  He reminded me that our contract represented my own commitments to myself and about how important I’ve been saying those commitments were.  He even reminded me that he had wanted to suspend our Maintenance Sessions given what was going on with our son and I did not agree because I felt it was extremely important not to start any deviations from our Agreement.  Yet, I was the one who deviated in other ways.  He said that after tonight he would be fully back on upholding his part of the Agreement and enforcing the commitments I have made to myself.

NEXT DAY
The next day was uneventful.  I kept all my commitments, Mike and I cleaned the kitchen together after dinner and he was looking forward to me revealing another toy.  We had planned to get right to our fun as soon as our son was asleep but Emma called just as our son went to bed.  I told Mike I would make it quick and would meet him in the bedroom in a minute.

I went to the living room to talk on the phone.  45 minutes later Mike walked into the room and gave a disapproving scowl, tapped his wrist as if tapping a watch, and mouthed “off the phone.”  I told him it would be just a few more minutes and I’d be done – basically just telling him “no.”   It was really bad timing as far as the discussion with Emma was going and I wasn’t about to just cut her off and hang up.  Whatever my reasoning, I was clearly violating my Duties and Obligations.

Mike walked out of the room and returned about a minute later and handed me a note as I was still on the phone.  It said, “Two things on the bed waiting for you.  Choose one.  I’ll be waiting in my office.”

I wrapped up the call fairly quickly.  I couldn’t get my mind off what punishment was in store for me.  I remember having this imaginary dialogue in my head where I was telling Mike how unfair this was and I couldn’t believe HE was doing this to me.  The more I repeated this imaginary dialogue, the angrier I became.

I imagined there would be two spanking implements from which I would have to choose. In addition, he wants me to meet him in his office?  It is too close to our son’s bedroom and he knows that, so he is obviously doing this for spite.  As I went to our bedroom I took a detour to Mike’s office.  I stuck my head in and said, “I don’t know what all you have in mind, but this so unfair. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

These are words I have never spoken since we began our DD relationship. I had never blamed him for a punishment or made it about anything he was doing to me.  Only now as I write this do I realize something.  Not only was my thinking unlike anything I thought since our DD journey, it was in fact unlike my normal thinking ever.  I was trying to make him regret his upcoming actions.  I was trying to make him feel shameful.   Shame is a terrible thing to try and unleash on anyone, especially someone you love.  I really let my anger get to me.  I’ll have to reflect more on why that was, but, whatever the reason, I was angry.  My verbal volley to him made me feel even more emboldened which served to further fuel my anger.  I couldn’t wait to “defend” my actions and show him how wrong he is.

I walked into the bedroom and looked on the bed.

Two things were on the bed.  What I saw made me cry.

Next:  45. Argument – Part 2

13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”

In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD.  I have now done that. Now what?

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I  plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.

MY STYLE?
Not sure.  Blogging may bring out a different side of me.  I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way.  Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that.  If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.

So, instead of,  “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”

I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.   

I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.

DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?

Yes and no.  I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog.  We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.

I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations.  So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later.  Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information.  Mike did agree I could use our real first names.  Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already.  Perhaps that is story #2?).

Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so.  I can’t wait to hear his comments.

Next – 14. Year One Reflections, the Good, the Bad, and the growing Sexual Subtext

12. Our DD Contract

The length of this post will probably discourage you to read it, but I am so proud of our “creation” that I wanted to share it in its’ entirety.

Although we wanted a simple contract, we also wanted to be concise regarding intent, as there is a lot that is left to Mike’s discretion.  Remember, this is our third iteration of a contract and some of the details were added to specifically address real-life situations that came up so that the contract would continue to guide Mike as close to my wishes as possible.  If you read my other posts, you know that my version of DD is a selfish one where the rules are established on my terms.

I am happy to answer any questions about any part of this.

So, if you have some time to kill, have at it.   – and I apologize in advance for some formatting glitches as this didn’t copy and paste well. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Discipline Agreement for Mike and Jennifer

Table of Contents

1. Purpose
2. Definitions
3. Effective Date, Term, and Renegotiations
4. Duties and Obligations
5. Rewards
6. Maintenance Sessions
7. Journal Requirements

Whereas Mike and Jennifer wish to voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, wish to enter into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE. Establish a caring, consensual, fair set of obligations and duties that will have a positive impact on the life of Mike and Jennifer by codifying and reinforcing their commitments to one another with the purpose of helping Jennifer live the life she desires for herself, thereby allowing her to love life, every moment, and every day. The word “always” is intended to precede every condition set forth in this agreement, even if the word “always” was not used, as Jennifer and Mike agree to always be bound by the Agreement without exception, during the term of this Agreement.

Mike’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Jennifer, I love you with all my being and admire and respect all that you do for me and this family. I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated and together we can continue growing our love and respect for each other. Thank you for your tremendous trust and confidence, and most importantly, for your love. I enter into this agreement with the promise to adhere to your wishes in helping you fulfill the obligations you have committed to.

Jennifer’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Mike, I can’t thank you enough for taking this journey with me and having the love and respect necessary to do this. I have always held myself to high standards, first and foremost to myself, but also for you and our kids. I take responsibility for myself and I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as it was my idea and largely of my writing. This Agreement gives me the framework, with your assistance, to help me meet my own standards more consistently. I surrender so much of myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS.

1. Transgressions: Violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations
2. Rewards: A consequence of Jennifer’s Transgression(s). Other commonly understood terms given to such consequences include but are not limited to “punishment,” “penalty,” “spanking,” or “discipline.” Jennifer selected to use the term Reward to reflect Mike’s and Jennifer’s agreement that the consequences for Transgressions are the key to achieving her goal to continue to grow towards the person she wants to be. Anything that helps her towards this goal is therefore a Reward.
   1. Physical Rewards are those that include physical contact of Jennifer by Mike, such as a spanking.
   2. Non-Physical Rewards are those that exclude physical contact of Jennifer by Mike, such as a time-out or withholding of privileges.
   3. Additional Rewards are those that Mike may add in addition to the Rewards specified in this agreement, subject to Section V of this Agreement.
   4. Immediate Rewards begin with an immediate Physical Reward. For instance, a spanking that is administered immediately on the spot. Its purpose is to provide an element of “shock and awe” when Mike determines it is needed in order to provide the most effective Reward. It allows Jennifer to know that at any time she could be seconds away from a Reward if Mike determines her behavior calls for it.
   5. Prompt Rewards do not immediately begin with a Physical Reward. For instance, Jennifer is directed to her room to wait for Mike to come and present the Reward. It is Jennifer and Mike’s expectation that most rewards will be Prompt.
   6. Delayed Rewards can not immediately begin with a Physical Reward or Prompt Reward, such as when in a public place or when an Immediate or Prompt Reward is not practical.

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION

1. 1. TERM Mike and Jennifer agree to these terms effective October 17, 2015, and these terms remain valid until changed by Renegotiation. The next scheduled Renegotiation Date is in two (2) years, on October 17, 2017, and any changes, suspension, or termination of this Agreement are subject to the Renegotiation Stipulations.
   2. RENEGOTIATION
      1. Renegotiation Stipulations All terms and conditions of this contract remain in effect until commencement of the negotiation process. Mike and Jennifer shall meet on October 17, 2017 to discuss renegotiation of this Agreement. If the parties are unable to meet on the Renegotiation Date, both parties must mutually agree on an alternative Renegotiation Date.Any alternative date must be set no later than November 17, 2017. Failure to meet by that date will result in automatic renewal of the contract under its present terms and the Renegotiation Date will be reset by one full year, to October 17, 2018. If future Renegotiation Dates do not result in completion of the Renegotiation Process, the contract will continue to automatically renew in one-year increments in perpetuity.If either party purposely avoids a Renegotiation, this contract can be terminated with cause by either Jennifer or Mike by November 17, in the year the Renegotiation was avoided.
      2. Renegotiation Process / Suspension and Resumptions of Rewards
         The Renegotiation is to review this contract and update it as necessary.   It is not a review or critique of anyone’s performance under the contract. Such performance reviews are exclusive to Maintenance Sessions.At the prescribed date and time of the renegotiation, the parties will meet to discuss the changes they wish to make.The meeting will begin by Mike declaring “The Renegotiating Meeting is now in order.”Upon that declaration, the terms of this contract become suspended. Jennifer is free to express herself in any manner, no longer bound by any of the terms of this agreement. This allows Jennifer to speak freely and frankly and fully express herself without concern of punishment, retribution, rewards, or any other negative consequences. While Jennifer is free to speak without conditions, Jennifer understands the importance of maintaining an environment that is in keeping with the love and respect she desires for herself and her relationship with Mike. As such she desires to keep the conversation forward thinking, and not resurface long settled issues. For example, instead of a critique of “I wish you would have…” or “I hated it when…” she will strive to frame things in a forward thinking manner such as, “Next time I would like…” or “Going forward I want to…”Jennifer will speak first and discuss what has worked well and what can be improved. Allowing her to speak first recognizes that this Agreement is ultimately her Agreement that she is in control. Mike will then speak and dialogue will continue until all changes in terms have been agreed upon and a new contract is signed by both parties.When signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Renegotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.”If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, then Mike will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time}.”Upon that declaration, the suspension is over and all duties and obligations are in full effect until Mike calls the next Renegotiation meeting to order.

SECTION IV. DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

1. 1. General Duties and Obligations
      1. Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding her moral commitments she has made under this Agreement. She shall defer to Mike’s judgement as to the interpretation or application of any Transgression or Reward.
      2. Mike shall strive to reflect the spirit of this Agreement and never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable to her promises she made to herself.   It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be responsible to Mike for any and all of her Transgressions. Jennifer wishes, requests, and demands that Mike address every Transgression with an appropriate Reward as quickly as possible. If Jennifer feels Mike is performing otherwise, she will respectively discuss it during Maintenance Sessions.
   2. Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations
      1. Honesty: It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to always be unquestionably honest in all her interactions with Mike. It is at Mike’s discretion to determine if that honesty is in question and the mere doubt as to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest, as her honesty must be unquestionable.
         Dishonesty includes withholding the truth, embellishing a story, or withholding important information from Mike. Important information is any information that Jennifer should know is important to Mike. Jennifer should not bother Mike with trivial things or unnecessary details. Important information is any information that Mike labels as such at his complete discretion. Jennifer must learn to recognize what is important information to share with Mike and what is trivial. 
         
      2. Obedience:  Obedience includes Respecting Mike as the Head of Household, Physical Self-Care, Emotional Self-Care, Household Cleanliness, and Finances.
         1. Respecting Mike as head of household.
            – It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to be unquestionably obedient to Mike and do what she is told without hesitation and without body language that Mike may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Mike’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Mike. This includes any instruction Mike gives her on any topic.
            – Jennifer must always respond “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” when having conversations with Mike whether in public or private. The only exceptions are when we are in the presence of family or friends who are unaware of their DD lifestyle.
            – Jennifer is not permitted to cuss at Mike. Cussing at Mike will result in both being subject to both an Obedience and Emotional Self-Care transgression.
            – Sexual Obedience: Jennifer may ask for any sexual act to be performed upon or by her and it is at Mike’s discretion to allow or deny it. Mike may ask for any sexual act to be performed upon or by Jennifer and Jennifer cannot refuse, regardless of the act. Jennifer must also share any sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has. She may address concerns regarding any sexual acts at the next Maintenance Session following the performance of the act. If she does not wish to do that act again or requests a change in how it is done, Mike must either discontinue or modify said act the next time it is to be performed.
         2. Physical Self-Care: Jennifer must look after her own physical well-being; bathing before bedtime, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities), maintaining combed hair that is neat and controlled, going to regular doctor, dental, and optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking any meds as prescribed, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.) as agreed upon, and getting good rest. Jennifer will maintain her pubic area according to Mike’s wishes, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, or grow out her pubic hair.
         3. Emotional Self-Care: The facets of this care include Feelings, Workload, Masturbation, and Journaling.
            1. Feelings: Jennifer must never sacrifice her own feelings for someone else’s other than Mike or their children. This includes overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Mike will tell Jennifer if she needs to decrease her attention on others and Jennifer will comply with his instructions.   Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings and any cussing directed at Mike will be subject to both a Transgression of Obedience and of Emotional Self-Care.
            2. Workload: Jennifer must not take on more than she can handle. Mike will know when this has occurred because of how Jennifer is impacted when she is over worked. That impact manifests itself through things that include but are not limited to: missed deadlines for completion of various tasks, missed doctor appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or any other item that was needed for that errand, leaving the house without a fully charged cell phone, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged). Other indicators are at Mike’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report.
               Workload also includes completion of household chores. Neither Jennifer or Mike intend for Jennifer to do all the cleaning but Jennifer is responsible for identifying any household duties that need to be completed, whether or not she is able to immediately address them. This ensures Mike is aware that Jennifer is aware of the need, and they can set expectations on when those chores must be addressed. Mike will continue to perform household cleaning as is able, and Jennifer will do the same; however, Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, socialize in any manner, be on the computer, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when there are household duties to perform. At some point Mike may assign a time at which Jennifer must complete the chore. In addition, Jennifer will not behave in a manner that increases the household chores such as leaving trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out on end tables, towels on the floor, etc.
            3. Masturbation: Jennifer must make time to masturbate to climax at least once a week not including Maintenance Session and such time can not include time when Mike is in bed with her as this is meant as her own personal time alone. If Mike is home, she needs to ask permission if she can go masturbate; otherwise, she is free to do it when can so long as it occurs once a week.
            4. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain an adequate daily journal as described in Section VIII. Journaling.
         4. Finances: Jennifer must keep within her monthly budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities such as food and toiletries without Mike’s consent. If something needs to be return, she is to promptly return it.  
         5. Safety:
            1. Risk of Accident or Injury: Jennifer must not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others as determined at Mike’s discretion. This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed it or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Mike will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.
            2. Risk of Judgment of Family or Friends: As Jennifer and Mike recognize that others may unfairly judge them for their DD lifestyle, or may misconstrue the meaning of that lifestyle such that Jennifer or Mike may be at risk of harm, Jennifer and Mike agree not to share their involvement with this lifestyle with anyone unless they mutually agree to do so.

SECTION V: REWARDS

1. Rewards General Guidelines:   It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to fully accept any and all rewards prescribed under this Agreement. Jennifer had significant input and accepts that she is the sole author of these Rewards even if she had input from Mike. Jennifer created these Rewards for herself and of her own free will. They reflect her full wishes and she gives her full and complete consent to Mike to administer these Rewards and agrees to hold Mike harmless of any and all injury that results.
   1. It is Jennifer’s intent that the Rewards remain significant enough as to cause an appropriate level of discomfort for her such that she will wish to avoid such a Reward in the future.
   2. Jennifer gives Mike full and ultimate authority to determine an appropriate Reward and Mike may use his discretion to provide Additional Rewards if he feels the prescribed Reward is not providing the level of discomfort that Jennifer intended for her Rewards. Other reasons for Additional Rewards include but are not limited to Delayed Rewards where Rewards could not be given promptly where Mike feels Jennifer should not have put herself in the position of a Delayed Reward. Other reasons for Additional Rewards can be repeated transgressions for the same or similar Duty and Obligation.
   3. If Jennifer feels a Reward was not in keeping with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Reward and accept the Reward as given without complaint. Jennifer may journal any concerns and the next Maintenance Session will provide her opportunity to seek clarification.
   4. Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving a Reward. “Hold on” would instruct Mike to slow down or lessen the intensity. “Mercy” would instruct Mike to stop the Reward. The Reward would not be canceled, but would be postponed an appropriate amount of time or modified to allow Jennifer to ultimately accept her Reward. It is at Mike’s discretion to postpone or modify but Jennifer is free to continue using safe words throughout the continuation of a Reward and Mike must continue to postpone or modify as needed. No additional Reward is given due to the use of any safe word.
2. Reward Timing:   Rewards are to be primarily administered promptly, but may be Immediate if Mike feels Jennifer will benefit the most from immediate action. When a Prompt or Immediate Reward is not possible, it is to be administered as soon as reasonably possible and will be referred to as a Delayed Reward.  When out in public, reasonable actions must be taken to ensure a Prompt Reward. Those actions include but are not limited to finding a family bathroom that Mike and Jennifer can go into, pulling over to a reasonably private area and administering the Reward in the car, or leaving an event to return home for the Reward. Deciding how or if to Reward while out in public will be at Mike’s sole discretion. If the Transgression occurs at home and there are guests or kids present, Mike has discretion to give a Prompt or Delayed Reward.
3. Rewards Ceremony:
   1. 1. Ceremony Integrity: Rewards are to be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner. The purpose of the Reward is for Jennifer to remain Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered and appropriate After Care is required. Mike will close the Ceremony with a clear and declarative statement to indicate with the Ceremony has ended.
         1. 1. Reflective: Sufficient discomfort should result so that Jennifer is reminded to reflect on her duties and obligations and how she could have avoided her transgression. In addition to the discomfort, Mike may lecture Jennifer, either before or during the Reward so that she may properly reflect on her Transgression.
         2. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is only to herself, and not to Mike or anyone else, as she has made these commitments to herself alone, and thus can only feel remorseful to herself for letting herself down.
         3. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically surrendered during the Reward, granting Mike the authority to deliver the Reward he feels is in keeping with the intent of this Agreement. This means no pulling away, pushing Mike’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Reward.
         4. After care: Mike is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintain a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. Neither Mike nor Jennifer will talk about the Reward she just received as all focus is on their love and on reassurance for Jennifer.
         5. Closing Ceremony: Mike will say “all is forgiven” and Jennifer will respond “all is forgiven” as a sign that she has forgiven herself for her Transgression and also holds no negative feelings towards Mike for administering the Reward and that Mike holds no lingering feelings about the Transgression. Life moves on in peace. Any aspect of Prompt, Immediate, Delayed, and Additional awards may be modified by Mike at his discretion so long as they maintain Ceremony Integrity. Jennifer is never to question a Reward and always accept the Reward given. She may later ask for clarification during a Maintenance Session subject to the terms of a Maintenance Session.
      2. Prompt Awards:
         1. 1. Mike will instruct Jennifer to go to her room. This instruction may be direct and verbal, or may be a non-verbal, disapproving nod from Mike (to be used when kids or guests are present).   Jennifer will excuse herself and go to her room.
         2. Upon entering the room Jennifer will disrobe completely (if no guests or children are present/awake in the house), or remain clothed if there are others in the house or children that are awake.
         3. Jennifer will stand facing the designated corner waiting for Mike. Absent any other instructions from Mike, her posture will be upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. Mike may prescribed a variation, such as sitting in a chair or kneeling, or standing with a quarter pressed against Jennifer’s nose and wall, or standing with arms out to her side.
         4. Upon Mike’s entrance into the room, Mike may remain silent and leave Jennifer in the corner until he is ready to continue the Reward. Jennifer is to remain silent. Mike will then instruct Jennifer to either retrieve an implement or he will simply call Jennifer over.
         5. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Mike with her eyes open and her head bowed.
         6. Mike speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is due this Reward. Jennifer must look up and into Mike’s eyes and accurately state why she is receiving the Reward, else Additional Rewards may be earned. Her statement should be spoken clearly and matter-of-factly so that Mike can easily hear. If Mike has to ask her to repeat herself she will earn additional Rewards. She must apologize for not living up to the standards she has set for herself and letting no one down except herself. She must thank Mike in advance for recognizing her transgression and for presenting her Reward, and accept and ask for the reward that is to come. She is to maintain eye contact with Mike as she speaks and return to bowing her head after she has completed speaking. While it does not need to be verbatim, her statement should sound something like this, “Mike, I am sorry for doing x, as that does not live up to the standard I have set for myself and I have let no one down except myself. Thank you for noticing the transgression and for presenting me with this reward so that I may reflect on my transgression and not repeat it. I gladly accept the Reward you are about to give me. Please give me my Reward now.”
         7. Mike will thank Jennifer for recognition of the transgression and Mike will lecture Jennifer as he deems appropriate. When Mike has completed lecturing Jennifer, he will instruct her as to the position she must take. Mike is free to continue lecturing during the Reward.
         8. Jennifer will go across Mike’s knee unless Mike has prescribes an alternative position.
         9. Warm up of 10 swats by hand.
         10. Commencement of Reward.
         11. Appropriate After-Care.
         12. Closing Ceremony.
4. Immediate Rewards
   1. Jennifer agrees to be subject to an Immediate Reward at any time, at any place, with no exception. If Mike is comfortable administering the Reward in a given location, Jennifer must accept the Reward in that location, regardless of how public or private it may be.
   2. Mike will immediately direct Jennifer to pull down or remove her pants and panties. He does not need to explain why.
   3. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply. She is not to move from the spot she is standing and must immediately and quickly bare her bottom and immediately and quickly bend over without Mike instructing her to do so.
   4. Mike will then give her the Reward. There are no warm-ups as the purpose of Immediate Rewards is to administer the Reward as swift as possible.  Strokes will be in quick succession and continue as long as Mike wishes.
   5. Immediate Rewards must maintain the integrity of the Ceremony.
   6. While Jennifer is still bent over, Mike will ask Jennifer why she earned that Reward.
   1. 1. 1. If Jennifer is uncertain, incorrect, or just does not know why, Mike will administer another Reward. Mike will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Reward. While maintaining her bent over position Jennifer will then apologize consistent with the Prompt Reward apology. Mike will give a third a final Immediate Award.
         2. If Jennifer was able to identify why she received the Immediately Reward, Mike will let her know she was correct and while maintaining her bent over position Jennifer will apologize consistent with the Prompt Reward apology. Mike will give a second and final Immediate Award.
   1. 1. 1. Jennifer may receive further instructions from Mike, such as to stand in the nearest corner. Jennifer is not to pull up her pants until instructed to do so.
         2. Appropriate After Care.
         3. Closing Ceremony.
      2. Delayed Rewards follow the same ceremony as Prompt Awards, but often include Additional Rewards at Mike’s discretion.
      3. Additional Rewards follow the same ceremony as Prompt Awards.
   2. Reward Levels: Mike has full discretion as to type, length, and severity of rewards with the understanding that all Rewards are intended to help Jennifer meet her duties and obligations to herself, her family, and to her husband by providing sufficient discomfort such that it serves as a physical and emotional reminder as to the goals Jennifer has set for herself.   Rewards consist of Common Rewards, Escalated Rewards, Intense Rewards, and Maintenance Rewards.
   1. 1. Common Reward As the name suggests, these are the most commonly prescribed Rewards. They are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand to bare buttocks
         2. 30 swats total. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek. It can be all 100% one cheek if he so chooses.
         3. About 1/3^rd force.
      2. Escalated Reward This is for situations that call for greater Reward so as to fulfill the stated purpose of Rewards and are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand and/or implement of Mike’s choosing. Common implements are hair brush, wooden spoon, paddle board, or belt but may be anything that Mike chooses.
         2. Number of swats may vary based on implement. Typically no more than 60 in total with about half being by hand. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek.   It can be100% one cheek if he so chooses.
         3. About one-half force.
      3. Intense Reward For the most egregious of Transgressions or for repeating the same Transgressions many times.   These call for the greatest Reward so as to fulfill the stated purpose of Rewards and are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand and/or implement of Mike’s choosing.
         2. No limit to the prescribed number of swats. This is typically a timed event, where Mike may tell Jennifer the Rewards will continue for a set amount of time, or, he may simply keep the time limit to himself so Jennifer has no sense of when it will end. There may be breaks as Mike deems appropriate where Jennifer will be left alone and for Mike to return later to continue.
         3. Typically the level of force will vary during the Reward and include up to any level Mike chooses.  As the purpose of an intense reward is to deliver an extended Reward experience to Jennifer, Mike should use a level of force necessary as to allow for an extended Reward Ceremony. In other words, too much force will likely result in a short session, thus negating the purpose of an Intense Reward. The intent of Intense Rewards is to deliver a prolonged experience.
      1. Maintenance Reward These are delivered each week at the Maintenance Session. This Reward cannot be substituted, altered, or changed. It is intended to be a consistent and reliable reminder to Jennifer’s commitments to herself, her family, and her husband and something she is to look forward to and know what to expect.
         1. Bare hand to the buttocks
         2. 15 swats with two-thirds force in rapid succession. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek.   It can be 100% one cheek if he so chooses.
5. Spanking Substitutions and Other Rewards
   1. Spanking Substitutions: Spankings may be substituted with swats across the palms with a ruler or belt at Mike’s discretion.
   2. Other Physical but Non-spanking Rewards:  Mike may provide other physical but non-spanking Rewards at his discretion. These are intended to be in addition to Rewards already given and intended to be applied either concurrently with a Reward or as part of a time-out or corner time. Other Physical but Non-spanking Rewards include application of breast bindings, nipple clamps, and insertion of a butt plug. These Rewards are administered at Mike’s discretion and are intended to provide heightened sensitivity and/or discomfort. Use of these implements will be timed events where Mike will instruct Jennifer to set a timer and she may remove the items when the time expires. Mike my require use of these implements while Jennifer goes about her household duties or even out in public.
   3. Other Non-Physical Rewards:  Include extended corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet, and grounding such that Jennifer may not see friends or family for prescribed time that is not to exceed one week.

SECTION VI. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS Maintenance Session are weekly meetings (typically Sunday evenings) where Mike and Jennifer meet to discuss the events of the week and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Rewards both at the beginning and the end of the Session. The Maintenance Session will follow this order.

1. Mike will have Jennifer join him in the bedroom and advise her it is for their Maintenance Session (or alternate location as needed).
2. Upon entering the room Jennifer shall disrobe without instruction from Mike and will remain nude throughout the Session.Mike will administer the Maintenance Reward. The purpose of starting the meeting with this Reward is to remind Jennifer that while the Maintenance Session allows her to ask questions of Mike, she must maintain respect and a matter-of-fact tone to avoid a Transgression.
3. Mike and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Mike. Mike will in turn express his love for Jennifer and thank her the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.
4. Mike will instruct Jennifer to get her journal. Jennifer will retrieve it and then kneel down in front of Mike. She will open the journal to where she may have noted anything she wants clarification to. Jennifer must do so from a point of wanting to clarify so as to perform better in the future. She shall not whine or be argumentative and her tone will remain matter-of-fact. Jennifer must keep her inquiries to things that occurred in the prior week only as all previous issues were closed as of the last Maintenance Session.  Mike and Jennifer will then have a dialogue regarding the issues Jennifer raised. Jennifer will remain respectful at all times.
5. Mike may bring up any concerns he had during the week where he believe Jennifer may want clarification or bring up anything else he wishes to address. He will never express disappointment in her performance for the week as all Rewards will have been given and thus those issues are resolved and closed.
6. Mike will ask Jennifer to read any self-reported transgressions from her Journal. She must present them matter-of-factly, no excuse or reasons. Just state the Transgression. Mike will thank Jennifer for staying true to her commitments and self-reporting her Transgressions. Mike will determine the appropriate Reward for those self-reported Transgressions.
7. Jennifer shall present her Journal to Mike for inspection. Mike will review to ensure it meets the Journal Requirements.
8. Mike will administer any Awards necessary regarding self-reported Transgressions or journal deficiencies. If no such Awards are needed, he will administer another Maintenance Reward so that she has some sensations to see her through her self-reflection time.
9. Mike will give Jennifer some self-reflection time where she first is to masturbate to climax. Jennifer will choose the location in the bedroom where she wishes to masturbate. She may ask Mike if she can use an aide such as a vibrator. Mike may allow it at his discretion. Mike may stay present during her masturbation but will remain silent and away from her immediate proximity.
10. Upon climaxing, Jennifer will lay relaxed, in thought, reflecting on her past week and the week to come. She may nap or otherwise meditate in thought. Mike will leave Jennifer alone if he has not already left the room.
11. Mike will return to the room after a period of time of choosing, usually 45 minutes to an hour later.
12. Upon Mike’s return, Jennifer will kneel in front of him and looking him in the eyes will recommit herself to her duties and obligations and her hopes to meet her expectations for herself for the coming weeks. She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.
13. When Mike is ready he will hold her outreached hands while Jennifer remains kneeling with her head bowed down. They will maintain that position until Mike asks her to stand.
14. Mike will instruct Jennifer to bend over and receive her last Maintenance Reward. This is to remind her again of the commitment she has made to meet her Duties and Obligations to herself.
15. Mike and Jennifer will embrace and cuddle as per After Care procedures.
16. Mike will call the Maintenance Session to an end.

SECTION VII. Journal Requirements

Jennifer shall keep an adequate hand-written daily journal that Mike will check at Maintenance Sessions. Entries do not need to be written in complete sentences and there is no requirement that it be a certain length – however, it must be easy to read and must be easily understood. “Adequacy” is at Mike’s discretion. The journal must be stored in the safe in the master closet. The journal will consists of daily entries regarding:

1. What Jennifer was most proud and thankful of for that day.
2. Jennifer’s reflection on any Rewards, if any that day. She does not need to document every Reward, but is expected to reflect in general on the Reward(s) of the day and comment on whether the considered them a bit light, just right, or a bit tough.
3. Any Transgressions that occurred that Mike was not aware of.
4. Noting any masturbating she did (exclusive of Maintenance Session) including details around when, where, and how she masturbated.
5. Any points of clarity she wants to ask for during a Maintenance Session.

   UPDATE:  You can view our October 2017 contract HERE!

Next – 13. Now what?  The sting of the paddle. . .

10. My Approach to Our DD Contract

This is going to be a lengthy post as there are so many important points to share about creating a DD contract with your husband.   Not every couple actually creates a contract, but I believe most do.  I can’t imagine not having one.

The exercise of writing the contract was cathartic.   We had to reveal very personal thoughts and feelings and talk about things we never talked about in 20+ years of marriage and couples would never have reason to talk about absent putting together a DD contract. I wonder if putting together a DD contract would be good couples therapy, even if you never planned on going through with it?

Oh, remember when I said my life changed on March 17, 2015.  That was the date of our initial contract.  (Renegotiation is something I’ll explain in a bit). We made some changes at the 30 day mark.  We made our second contract good for six months and then our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We are more confident and comfortable in what we are doing and thrilled with the results.  It is that confidence and the success we’ve had that led me to decide to blog about my experience.

Tips to writing the contract:  I will share an overview of our approach and what we learned, and then I will share our actual contract with you on my next post.

I describe the authorship of our contract as somewhat collaborative, but I had the lead.  I know some DD relationships are based on the man setting the rules.  That wasn’t happening here.  This was about me surrendering myself to him, but it was a surrender on my terms.  It was a gift I was giving him, and I got to pick out the gift – with some suggestions from him.  Note some DD relationships explicitly say the woman is not giving a gift, as it is not hers to give, but is for her husband to take.  That’s not our version of DD.

Don’t overwrite:  At first we found ourselves putting in too many details.  You need to resist this as ultimately a DD contract is one of utmost trust in your partner and one of you submitting yourself to them.  If you water it down by trying to precisely prescribe every action, you take away power from your partner and are basically saying you do not trust them.  In addition, too many rules make the contract hard to follow and enforce, and will just bring frustration.

Think of the contract as a place to set basic expectations, and to refer back to for clarification of each other’s intent, but never to be used as a rule book to decide what action will be taken.  I was clear with Mike that I wanted him to take the action he deems appropriate and then we can refer back to the contract later if there are questions as to whether that action was in the spirit of the contract.  Doing so ensures that we ultimately stay consistent with what I intended while both not interfering with the power I am giving him and not causing a delay in punishments.  We concluded it was better to receive a punishment that ultimately is agreed to be outside my intent than to have had the punishment delayed because you had to find and interpret the contract.   Lastly, as we have now renegotiated our contract for the third time, there have been clarifications that we added to address ambiguities that arose that either I or Mike felt necessary to clarify and codify.  That’s another reason it is good to put a term limit on your contract.  I’ll talk more about our renegotiation process later.

Words are Power
I highly recommend taking time to talk about the meaning of the words you use in the contract.  I took our contract seriously and once signed there was no going back.  I wanted to be fully committed to seeing it through and living with the consequences.

It is important to ask your partner what a word or concept means to them to ensure you both have a common understanding.  I recall there were many words we spent a lot time talking about.  Here were the words and concepts I recall as being the most important to us to ensure we were on the same page.

• Promise Statement: Mike had the idea that we start the contract off with a statement that each of us would write.  A promise directly to each other. It is a bit sappy, but think of it is as a short love letter to each other.  Mike felt it was important that we shared and documented our individual reasons for establishing a DD lifestyle.  I told you he was a great guy!
• Duties and Obligations: I wanted everything I was agreeing to do to be referred to as my “duties and obligations.” I felt strongly about this wording as to me it conveys a strongly held conviction that you perform without condition.   A rule is something anyone can set, but a Duty and Obligation is a personal term.  It is something I own, I create, I commit to myself.   It was not just about some rules.
• Renegotiation: We wanted to be committed to the contract but also have an opportunity for change. We agreed to an initial 30 day term for our contract and then renegotiated a new six month agreement.  Our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We also set up rules for the renegotiation so that we could have candid discussions.  Mike and I entered renegotiations on the same “level” as we were on when we did our first contract – that is, I am not bound by any contract during the renegotiation.  Remember, I am in control here.  It is about what I want for myself, my husband, and my family, and I could not be submissive during a renegotiation.
• Reward: I was fine with referring to consequences as a “punishment,” but Mike felt that word was demeaning. (Remember, words mean different things to different people).  At first he wanted to call them “consequences” which again I was fine with.  But then I had an idea… We would call them Rewards. Since the punishments would be extremely important in helping me attain my goals, anything that helps me towards those goals would be a reward.  This term had the added impact of reminding Mike that I agreed to and wanted these punishments and it made it easier for him to accept delivering the punishments.  He would not be doing something that had a demeaning connotation to him or to me.  He was just “giving me my reward.”
• Purpose of Rewards It was extremely important to give meaning to my punishments.  I felt every swat on my bottom or every privilege revoked or whatever the “reward” was, must have a consistent meaning.  That meaning was to make me the person I want to be, for myself, for my family, and for my husband.   A spanking was not because my husband wished to inflict pain, or not because I wished to feel pain, but because I agreed, in advance, that the punishment was uncomfortable enough for me that I would likely not want it repeated. In setting the specific “rewards” we had to consider what would be appropriate to deliver the desired results in my actions.  This is where DD contracts need to be highly personalized as I image this must be different for everyone.  I am sure some of you would see my punishments as too light, while others too severe.  Also, the Rewards in our current contract are more severe than in our initial contract, as I have developed a greater tolerance and I wanted to ensure they continued to be effective.
• Transgression: So, what would we call it when I did something wrong?  “Infraction” sounded like “oops” which to me is weak and meaningless.  “Violation” sounded too dramatic or police-like.  “Rule” sounds arbitrary or infers they were handed down by someone else.  These were ours and ours alone.  I wanted a word that reflects a violation of a moral principle as I felt my duties were moral obligations to myself, my family, and my husband.  Thus, I came up with Transgression.
• Ceremony: We referred to the punishment session as a Ceremony.  There is often a ceremony to present awards, so we figured, why not call it a Ceremony when I received my Reward.  This was Mike’s idea by the way. This is another example of words being powerful.           Instead of….“Break a rule, get sent to my room for a spanking.”          It became….“I Transgressed and was going to a Ceremony to receive a Reward.”   Thinking of it this way often helped keep me from sulking and helped Mike in delivering the Reward.   We established procedures for the Ceremony to ensure Rewards were given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike should never deliver them in anger.  Even if I did something that directly hurt him, the Ceremony “dignity” must always be maintained.  We made it clear the Ceremony was to ensure I would be reflective, remorseful, and surrendered, and we took time to identify what those words meant so that we were both on the same page.
• Sex: We had to address if this contract was going to include anything sexual.  In my mind sex and discipline are distinct, although I believe many DD contracts can be highly sexually based. Frankly, I’ve never seen another contract so who knows.  Our first contract did not have anything overtly sexually based – if you agree nudity and spanking are not inherently sexual.  However, we both realized that sexual based consequences could be extremely powerful.  In our latest contract I added in a “sex” clause.  I  went “all in” giving Mike full authority over my body regarding any sexual activity.  It was important to me to show him I was trusting him with everything, without exception.  That trust had to include my body.  It still excites me today to know he has this authority, which I regard more as an open invitation to experiment more than complete authority.  In case you wonder, Mike really hasn’t taken advantage of this clause as you might be imagining (not to say he has never evoked it – but that’s to share at another time).  My recommendation is initially leave it out – again sex is not discipline.  But as your DD relationship evolves you might find some sexual based consequences highly effective and desirable.  So what are my sex based Rewards?  At Mike’s suggestion we added in some mandated masturbation time (oh, darn, I guess I would just have to agree to that one).  And we added in Rewards that included breast binding, nipple clamps, anal plugs and palm slapping. (Nothing sexy about that last one).   I was finding that sometimes spanking wasn’t always giving me the level of discomfort I felt was effective. I always had a high pain threshold and was becoming desensitized to some degree.  We needed to escalate the sensations else the spanking session would have to get very lengthy and that would just not always be practical.  I mean, I didn’t want to tire out Mike’s hand!  In any event, I am sure some DD contracts are highly sexually charged and others completely devoid of sex.  I am glad we started with nothing pertaining to sex and allowed things to naturally progress.
• Always: Another word we used throughout the contract was “always.”  I felt it was important that expectations for myself were to be consistent and always expected without any exception.  In other words, I was asking Mike to strictly interpret things.
  I believe it is very important to make it clear that I was fully surrendering to him and that there would be no exceptions to what I was expecting of myself.
• Vague or Missing Terms: Every DD contract should make it clear where ultimate authority rests.  In case we forgot something or realized that what we wrote was hard to interpret in a real life situation, we wrote in a clause that made it clear that any ambiguity in the contract would be interpreted at Mike’s full discretion without consult or protest from me.  If I disagreed I could not immediately say anything. Instead, I was to accept his verdict and if I wished, discuss it at our Maintenance Session.  This is why words are so important.  I was giving him a lot of authority and I wanted to make sure he and I were on the same page regarding how the contract would help guide that authority.
• Maintenance Sessions:  Another extremely critical part of our contract and we approached this like no other DD relationship I read about.  It established a time where I can respectively ask for clarification regarding something that went on during the week.  Some DD couples would never do this as just the thought of such questioning would be considered disobedient.   It was important for us to have a common understanding of things and there is no way to have that without two-way conversation.Mike had ultimately final authority, but at least there was an avenue for me to get clarification.  Note I could seek clarification, but was not questioning his decision nor asking him to change it.  I could ask for clarification to ensure the Reward had the full impact that I intended for myself.In addition, Maintenance Sessions included a review of my journal, self-reporting of any transgressions and if any, Mike’s administering my reward for those transgressions, a “maintenance” reward, and alone time for self-reflection.  It got to the point that I very much looked forward to every Maintenance Session as it served as a milestone for marking my progress towards the person I wanted to become.  It also had a type of intimacy that I can’t describe but that I could never experience outside a Maintenance Session.  How many couples spend designated time where they both intimately focus on the needs of one of them?  Oh, and I also very much enjoyed the “meditation time” for self-reflection (i.e Mike’s mandate I mentioned earlier).

Now you understand a bit more about our approach to the contract.  Eventually I will share the actual contract, but next I’ll share an overview of how we structured it.

NEXT  – 11. Structure of our Contract