253. What to title this one?

Uh, I cover a couple of different things in this post and struggled with a title.  What do you think of my solution?

I wrote in my last post about Matt inviting me to go to the coast with him.   When the idea first came up and Mike said he wanted me to go, I was very quick with a “Yes, Sir.”  It was more out of habit than out of a desire to go.  When I gave it some thought, I realized I would rather be at T1’s for the weekend than with Matt.  (Per my last post, we spent almost every weekend in May helping out at T1’s new house).  I like Matt, but I enjoy my family more, and have really enjoyed the time with T1, E, and her cousin’s family.

MIKE WANTS ME TO GO
I was going to ask Matt to reschedule our trip, but, before I could do that Mike said something that made me reconsider.  Mike mentioned how he thought it would be good for me to have that extended time with Matt and that it would be good for Kayla to have some time around family without me there.

“Without me there!” I imagine that sounds harsh.  It isn’t in the context from which I knew he was speaking.  Although we are no longer hiding our relationship with Kayla, it is easy for her to be made to feel like a “third wheel” or somehow in a “second class” relationship to what Mike and I have.

Don’t get me wrong – Mike and I have been married 26 years and what Kayla has with him and with me is nothing compared to our marriage.  No matter what any of us do, nothing will change the fact that the relationship Mike and I have trumps any relationship any of us have with anyone else.  (ug, you know, I don’t think I can ever use the word “trump” again.  It no longer connotes “rank above” and simply connotes “rank” – as in the slang meaning of something horrible, disgusting, and sick).  I digress.

My point is the unbreakable and enduring relationship Mike and I have doesn’t need to be rubbed in Kayla’s face.  And she deserves the opportunity to explore facets of her relationship with Mike in ways that don’t always involve me.  Mike and I have often talked about this and is why we have designated date nights with him and that Kayla sometimes goes with him on business trips.  And at least once a month Kayla and I go out on an official “date.”  We both love Kayla and want her to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.

It is in THAT context that I fully understood what Mike was saying.  Thus, I decided that my desires to be at T1’s were less important than my desire to give that experience to Kayla.  Kayla deserves the opportunity to experience Mike’s attention and affection around family without me there and when else might that opportunity come?

It made me feel good knowing that I was not only going with Matt because it was what Mike wished (and doing as he wishes always tickles my special spot), but I was also doing it for Kayla, who I love and care about.  On top of all of that, I enjoy my time with Matt and a weekend at the coast with no kids or worries?  Well, duh!   Sign me up!

MY WEEKEND WITH MATT
It was fun.  My mind drifted at times back to Mike and the family, but I took advantage of my time away.  I got a massage, got some sun, and of course, Matt and I had lots of sex.

The more time I spend with Matt the more I have realized something.  I wish he was more different from Mike.  In some ways he has the same easy-going personality.  They share a similar demeanor.  I mean, if I am going to explore outside my marriage, I kind of wish I was exploring vastly different terrain.  Not to say they are totally alike – but still. 

I enjoy my time with Matt but I wouldn’t say I love him.  Fond of him, yes.  But love?  No.  And we have talked about this.  We joke that in some ways were are glorified fuck-buddies (Mike allowed me to include that since that is indeed factual – we do joke about that).  It is more than just sex, but perhaps not by much!  Ha.   Anyway, as long as Matt and I are on the same page about it, and Mike as well, then it is all good.  

DAD, IS KAYLA YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
So how did that weekend without me go at T1’s?   It went great.   Mike was outwardly affection with Kayla…holding hands, quick little pecks on the lips, and of course the sleeping arrangement included them sleeping together.  It prompted J to ask, “Dad, is Kayla your girlfriend?”

While we haven’t been hiding things from J, we never blatantly told him anything like we did with T1, T2, and others.  We felt simply letting things “be” and allowing his awareness to evolve was a better approach then sitting him down and telling him about it.  Telling him something is always like a line in the sand for him.  Had we just told him, it would be like, “before we talked, Kayla was just Kayla, but as of this moment, it has changed, and she is now our girlfriend.”  

It would have been jarring for him.  His mind would have tried to fill in any uncertainty about what “girlfriend” meant.  This lack of sureness would have been very anxiety inducing (I’ve written about his special needs).   Thus, it was simply better for him to witness and experience what it means for us to love Kayla before actually putting a label on it.  Applying a label to something he already knows and has experienced is a clarifying event, versus the anxiety inducing event of hearing the label and being left to wonder what that label really means.

So what did Mike say?  Mike told him, “Yes, she is mom and dad’s girlfriend.  We both love her very much.”  To that, J just said, “Okay, I thought so.”  And that was it.  And believe me, if J had any unresolved emotions he would make it abundantly clear.  And while he doesn’t always clearly verbalize his emotions,  what he can’t verbalize will manifest itself in a variety of neurotic ways.  And Mike said he was not only fine in his response, but remained calm and happy the entire weekend.

An interesting aside is that J didn’t question my love for Kayla – he wasn’t thrown by Kayla being my girlfriend too.  However, he probably didn’t fully connect the dots about what that means about my sexuality.  We aren’t going to connect them until he presents them for connection.  I suspect that realization will come soon enough, but again, it will be in the context of what he has witnessed and experienced regarding a warm, loving, and fun relationship and not just some label.  

Of course, some of J’s happiness may be in that J is in love for the first time — with E’s 11 year-old niece!   But that’s a whole other story and post!   And it is rated PG!  I felt compelled to state that right away.  The thought of letting the imagination run wild for some of you kinky f’s is just not acceptable when my child is concerned!   

Of course, when it comes to anything about me, or Mike and I, well, feel free to imagine away!

Next:  254. Dating: Teens/pre-teen? Nudism? Disability? ???

121. Questioning my Kink – 20 Questions from Sis

Okay, it wasn’t 20 questions.  It also was my sisters, plural, not just one of them…just taking a bit of literary license with the title.

My sisters peppered me with a variety of questions and I thought their questions, and my answers, were worth sharing.  They didn’t ask me much when I first revealed my lifestyle to them (Post 116).  They’ve become curious now that they’ve had time to cogitate on it.

Before I get into that, a quick apology/clarification on my last post/rant.  I should have made it clear that I do consider myself a feminist AND further, a humanist.  In my mind, the former is a subset of the latter. You can be the former without being the latter, but you can never be the latter without being the former.   Okay, enough of that.    

So, here we go!  Questions from sis. . . 

What if Kayla gets a boyfriend/girlfriend?
The three of us have talked openly about this.  Nothing prevents Kayla from dating but she has made it clear she is not “in the market.”  She feels her relationship with us is the relationship she is in, she doesn’t want or need another.

We talked about how this could change and the potential challenges it could pose.  As we are required to be completely open and honest, that openness can be tricky.  How would it make Kayla feel if Mike or me (or both) did not like this person?  Would Kayla tell this person about her relationship with us, and if not, why not, and if so, at what point?  We aren’t looking for a fourth, but wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to it, but again, that could be awkward.  How would it make Kayla feel if we “rejected” this person she was attracted to?   Then there is the risk the partner would reject her when/if they were told about her relationship with us.  Then there is the issue of being confident that Kayla was practicing safe sex.

I am sure there are even more issues that would have to be addressed.  Suffice to say it gets complicated. It is good that the three of us have talked through these in advance, to the extent you can even anticipate the various complications.  I am not sure how serious Kayla took those conversations because in her mind she isn’t going to date.

What if people at Mike’s work found out?
 Mike and I have become very comfortable and confident with our lifestyle.  While we don’t publicize it and consider it private, we aren’t worried over who finds out. We have a “so what?” attitude about it now.

Kayla and Mike have gone out on dates, have held hands and even kissed in public (like a peck or typical PDA, not like a make out session).  They don’t overly flaunt it, but it is no different from when Mike and I are out together.  Even Kayla and I have held hands or give each other a peck on the lips while out in public.  At some point someone we know will see something.  Let their imaginations run wild!

What if Kayla’s parents found out?
We also talked about this.  You’ll find that there isn’t much that me, Mike, and Kayla haven’t discussed.  I mentioned before I am a bit obsessed with setting expectations and part of that is talking through the various situations we could face in the future.  While you can never anticipate all the turns in life, nor anticipate how you will feel and react when they are real and not just hypothetical, let alone guarantee your feelings won’t change between now and then, it is still helpful to talk them through when they are just hypothetical.  

Kayla feels the chances are that at some point they will find out, probably hearing from someone who saw something in public like I mentioned before.  That is the primary reason she does try to be discreet and not overly flaunt it in public, but at the same time, she will still hold hands with one of us at times, or even give a quick kiss in public.  She is comfortable just telling them it is her life.  She would tell them she isn’t going to discuss her choices.  As for us, we are prepared to do the same.  

What if Kayla tells everyone?
I mentioned this before in a prior blog where Kayla has confided in a friend of hers, with our consent.  That has actually changed in that we have told Kayla she is free to tell whomever she wishes, we just want to know who she tells.    She has since shared it with her circle of friends.

Kayla has found a lot of strength and confidence from being able to share it with her friends.  Explaining it to them, much like me explaining it to my sisters, is a reaffirming thing.  It feels good to verbalize and share, with pride and not shame, what is deeply important to us.    

What about when Kayla leaves?
We have talked about the fact that we are “Mr and Mr. Right-Now” for Kayla, and that we don’t look at this as a lifelong commitment.  However, we aren’t opposed to that either and leave it up to Kayla to indicate when she is ready to take on a new chapter in her life.  Kayla said that emotionally she can’t ever imagine leaving, but philosophically thinks that once she finishes grad school (spring or fall of 2019), she can better assess her needs and plans for the future.   She reiterates that her feelings right now are such that it hurts her to even think about leaving.  We feel the same way.  Mike and I truly love her.  We love what she adds to our household, our relationship, our family.  There is so much more to it than the DD, D/s, and sex.  

What if someone gets physically hurt?
The “kink” life can be a contact sport for sure.  Accidents can happen. I’ve shared an extremely deep bruising I got in Post 52. The Spanking that Keeps Giving.  There’s also been the occasional bump on the head, redness or soreness from a restraint (ankles or wrists), or rawness/extreme sensitivity of genitals or breasts.  And not so much for Kayla, but for us nearing 50, there is the occasional joint or muscle pain after a particularly contorted and demanding activity.   Other than those things, I don’t think we do anything that is extreme enough that it risks injury that would require medical attention.

The key is communicating needs, limits, and how you are feeling.  If something is sore from the day before, you say something.   Of course, if someone were seriously injured, it makes no difference if it were the result of TTWD or just a more typical household accident.  We’d seek appropriate treatment. 

What’s it like?
More specifically, sis asked what it was like being in a three-way relationship.  This is the type of question you can’t really answer to someone’s satisfaction.  

I told her, “You know what it is like to be in your relationship with your husband?   Well, it’s like that.”

I told her there is a lot of mundane and normal stuff that you have in any relationship.  Being submissive is more than a role in the bedroom.  It is a day-to-day, moment to moment mind-set.  And being in this “triad” with Kayla is no different.  It is more than what we do in the bedroom.  It is the day to day, moment to moment interactions that we value the most.  And what those interactions like?  Well, they are like the normal interactions my sister has with her husband.   

Having said that, we clearly have more sexual energy and emotional openness than most relationships.   We spend a lot of time on understanding and reacting to the needs of each other.  I told my sisters that this should be the norm, but unfortunately, typically isn’t for most people. Most relationships lack the proper degree of willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Not so with a DD, and not so with polyamory.

I told them that the secret DD revealed to me is that your willingness to be vulnerable to your partner is directly related to your fulfillment in that relationship.  I’ve posted about vulnerability before.  My favorite is a reblog I did on Post 68. REBLOG: To fall in love anyone, do this.

What kind of equipment or toys did you buy?
That was easy, I told them next time they were over to the house I would show them. I’ve shared a post on my first “shopping spree,” (Post 41. Christmas in July ), but we have continued to make frequent purchases and have a large assortment of stuff.  Kayla has a chest in her room that is her personal choices.  

Of course I followed my answer with, “Why are you asking?  Looking for recommendations?” She slyly said, “Maybe, maybe not.” 

You are okay with Mike having sex with Kayla?
Yes. And he is okay with me having sex with her too.  

What do you enjoy the most?
I told her this was another question without a definitive answer, no more than if I asked her what she enjoyed the most about her marriage.  It is basically the same things about feeling fulfilled.  It is that feeling that is the most enjoyable.  Of course, how I get that feeling is very different from how she gets it.  So the question really is, what activities give me the greatest fulfillment. 

That’s tough to answer.  It isn’t about one thing or one action.  As far as my submissiveness, it is about the full package of being submissive.  I think I summed it up best in Post 30. I found my thrill. I did my best to share those sentiments to her.  I finally just decided to tell her about this blog and told her to read for herself.  (Yikes, maybe that wasn’t a good idea, but too late, my sisters now know of my blog). 

What, you blog about this?
My sisters were dismayed that I blog about this.  I told them it provides sufficient anonymity and it serves as a tremendous affirmation for me.   She countered with my prior statement of being comfortable with people finding out, so why the anonymity.  I told her again I consider this private, and being comfortable with people finding out whatever bit or piece they discover is way different from publicizing all the details that can be shared with a click of the button.  

I’ve been very tempted to share more about myself, pictures, etc.  Mike is totally against this and, while tempted, I too wouldn’t want to do that (yet).  Mike has a total “social media” ban on any salacious pictures of any of us or even non-salacious ones that tie us to TTWD.   I had to agree to that in order to have his permission to blog.    And Mike has access to my email, blog, and all social media so he is able to check up on me.  He knows I have a tendency to overshare, just as I did by telling my sisters of my blog.  

Why don’t I consider this abuse? 
Sis, it is all about consent and intention!  Without those it is absolutely abuse.  DD or D/s or anything we regard as kink is not one-sided exploitation when there is consent and the right intentions.   

Well isn’t this all so nice for Mike? (said sarcastically)
Yes, it is, but don’t think it is easy.  A submitted wife requires a committed husband, and a submitted person requires a committed dom.  These are equally important responsibilities. By equal, I don’t mean “the same.”  It means that the whole thing falls apart if one of us fails in our responsibilities.  But to really answer your question, absolutely, it is very nice for Mike, and that gives me immense pleasure.

Other questions
My sisters also asked questions that I covered in Post 98. Three’s Company Housekeeping.

Their questions were delivered with some skepticism, but were non-judgmental. There was never a “How could you?”  They were truly curious, and remain so, regarding how I got to this point.  They know me well enough to know I have thought through all the angles.  I shared with them that while I put a lot of thought into our journey into DD, almost from the moment I considered it, I knew it was right for me.  

Last question…
Do you have regrets about this?
No, and further, I still have that same enthusiasm today as I had when my journey started. And while my enthusiasm hasn’t waned, my appreciation as increased.  I think of the path my life was on pre-DD and know that there was no way I could be as happy and as fulfilled as I am as a submitted wife.  The relationships with John and Donna, and of course with Kayla, are unexpected and joyful additions to that journey. 

NEXT: 122. Mischievous Mike and the Little Girl

 

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68. reblog: To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

This is all about making yourself vulnerable to someone. The effect of doing so causes them to reciprocate and the net effect is that you become closer to that person, perhaps even falling in love.

This was perfect in addressing some of what I was trying to convey in my post #67.

Next:  69.  Hot Dog!  Are you ready for some football?!?

Sex(uality) & the City

by Mandy Len Catron

This article was originally published in the Modern Love section of The New York Times.

UPDATED: You can now hear this essay read by the actress Gillian Jacobs in Modern Love: The Podcast. Look for the “play” button below or subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. You can also try “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” here or by downloading a free app for your phone, tablet or other device.

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with…

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