Tag Archives: subconcious

276. “My submission” becomes “His Dominance”

276

You’ll want to read the prior post as this picks up where that left off.    Once again, a post filled with arcane thoughts rolling around in my head.  

I WANTED HIM TO FEEL DOMINANT
I’ve had very few punishment spankings the last several months.   I’ve been an extremely compliant submissive!   I was looking forward to the Maintenance spanking with the thought that I’d like Mike to spank me hard.   In addition to just “needing it,” it was the perfect opportunity  – J was away and not to return for a week.  We not only didn’t need to worry about any noise, but I had time for marks to heal.      

I remember telling myself I shouldn’t wish for such a thing since we were starting Immersion the next day.  Surely it will be filled with spanking and assorted physical demands.  But I told myself that those would all be in the context of Immersion.  I wanted one in the context of our “everyday” domestic discipline.  Make sense?  Of course not, but such is the mind of this submissive!

I didn’t say anything to Mike, so I was pleasantly surprised when he used the cane as hard as he did.  (again, refer to prior post for the details of that spanking).  Perfect!  Just what I was hoping for.  And when he repeated it the first time – it was surprising but a perfect surprise!   But the third time?  Then the extra hard ones at the end?   Not what I had in mind.   But something in my head flipped.   Actually, two things flipped

One – I had this feeling of being dominated.  I’ve never felt that.  Instead of me being and feeling submissive, this spanking gave me a feeling of being dominated.   There is a difference.  In that moment this new feeling of being dominated cascaded over me and I loved it and wanted more.   

Two – I had a sense that Mike was feeling dominating.  I’ve never sensed that.  And in that flash of a moment I felt some shame.  Shame in being selfish in my submission.  Up to that point, I always thought of our DD as revolving around my submission.  For the first time, I was seeing it, feeling it,  based fully on Mike’s dominance.   Again, sounds subtle, but the difference is significant.    

And I loved it.  I wanted to feel every ounce of his dominance and wanted to sense every bit of dominance he was feeling.  Thus my request to repeat the caning.

The amount of pain was surpassed by the amount of pleasure.  It was like a whole new sensation for me.  It’s been years since a spanking evoked a new feeling, let alone one this intense and satisfying.  

HE WANTED TO DOMINATE
Afterwards when we talked, Mike said the most amazing thing.  Now remember, I hadn’t said a thing to him about what was going through my head.  Mike said, “Gosh Jen, when we started I planned on just the typical amount for a Maintenance, maybe a little harder, but not more strikes.  Then, I just had this need to give you more, then more, and more again.  Something told me I needed to really get your attention and demonstrate I am in charge.  I don’t know where that came from.  Are you okay?”   

As we talked, it basically came down to a change in Mike in that moment.   Instead of me being his submissive, he wanted to be my Dominant.   He was feeling the exact same thing I was!  It is a spooky coincidence.  Consider that we adopted Domestic Discipline three and half years ago and simultaneously arrived at this need for a monumental shift in our thinking.   Really amazing – at least to me.

He said he felt he needed to give a meaningful Maintenance to instill that Dominance.  There wasn’t anything going on that made him feel like his dominance had been slipping, or that my submission had been lacking.  Far from it, we both have been very happy with where we were.  But, clearly there was something in our subconscious that recognized a need to change the dynamic.   And we amazingly had this “thing” erupt from us at the same time.  It’s more amazing than cumming together!  LOL!

MIKE IS A DOM
With Mike fully recognizing and acknowledging the need to feel Dominant, I suddenly felt the final piece of the puzzle click in.   Coupled with all that I shared previously about “passive submission” I knew I finally arrived.  I was at the level of submission I was always seeking.

This wasn’t a journey to be more submissive for him, it was a journey to be his submissive.   

I’ve touched on that theme before.  I sort of sensed this last October, leading up to our new Agreement.  I even posted about it – Post 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive?  But it took ten months to really get connect with that feeling and both both of us to recognize it’s where we want to be.   Previously, my submission flowed from my desire to be submissive.  Now it flows from my desire for Mike to be my Dominant.   My DD is truly no longer mine.  

I AM CONCEITED – ANOTHER EPIPHANY
There were other contributing factors to my writing funk.  Another is that I was feeling like I sort of betrayed my prior writings.  All the stuff about “My DD” and being the one in control of my dynamic – and now this revelation?  I just felt like a different “DD Jenny,” and in some ways wasn’t unique or special.  As if I was special for doing DD “my way” versus Mike’s way.  I know that sounds so conceited, but I am being honest.

I know that  all the things I’ve learned along the way have contributed to, and were absolutely necessary ,to get me where I am today.  Every experience and emotion shared was authentic and true in that moment.   And who is to say it won’t continue to evolve?   Maybe even devolve back to “My DD.”   I don’t see that happening, but I didn’t see this happening either.

So yeah, that sounds rational, but emotions are rarely rational.  And like I wrote in Post 33, emotions reveal your true essence.  And as part of this epiphany I realize  how conceited and self-centered I can be.  I’ve always sort of known it, but tried to justify it as a positive trait.  It’s probably what makes me so open and is what gives me my bouts of “verbal diarrhea” as Mike calls it when I feel compelled to share every fleeting thought I have.  It isn’t from a lack of shame or over abundant confidence.  It is because I am vain!   There, I admit it.

It was my self-centered thinking that created the condition my marriage was in pre-DD.  It was my self-centered thinking that got us into DD as this was 100% my idea and was started 100% on my terms.   Sure, it all worked out, but unlikewhore,vain is not a term I want to own.

Thus, my new journey in submission is to be the sub that Mike wants me to be, not the sub I want to be.   Sort of a chicken-and-egg thing because the sub I want to be is the sub Mike’s wants me to be.   But unlike the chicken/egg conundrum,  in this case, we know what comes first – Mike!    Yes, there is some balance in order for it to work, but the scales will be tipped less towards me and more towards Mike.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
As monumental as I made all this out to be, the reality is, nothing has changed except my perception.    Even though it feels very comfortable and “perfect” to both me and Mike, our dynamic is still a journey.   It’s now had the benefit of three and half years of being on this trek, so the scenery is familiar, the path is more clear, and there are fewer unknowns.

We follow our typical routines and rules and nothing notable is different.  Mike has said he is very happy where things are and if he feels his dominant mindset is in need of a boost,  he wouldn’t necessarily look to my butt as the remedy!   Much like I would verbalize my need for more submission, he will do the same regarding any need for Dominance.  The result of which is that I may very well offer my butt as remedy!   Hee-hee.   Although I probably shouldn’t laugh as that statement is not rhetorical. 

NEXT!!
This all got me thinking.  I am long overdue for posting an esoteric ramble!  I am already thinking of a doozy!    I’ve been searching deep within myself to better understand my neediness regarding my new perceptions on submission.   I’ve come up with a theory. 

And hey, if you want to start on your own esoteric ramble, here’s some fodder as this is what I think I will write about next — 

We are better off understanding our emotions and actions versus hating them.

Post 277. Understanding myself and my submission

246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

246

So here’s something different.  Let’s talk about discipline!  It’s been awhile since I’ve written about being disciplined.  I don’t have any epic submissive fails or extended or dramatic punishments to share.  So I’ll just share a quick fire list of some things.   Basically like I did on 213. Speedy Spanking Summations

SMELLS LIKE JENS SPIRIT
Before I get into the discipline, here’s another Jenny blog throwback.  I good old fashion esoteric rant, Jenny style. 

I am keenly aware that my reaction to my discipline is different now.  I think it took our first two years of DD before I got significantly down the road of truly accepting discipline.  And it wasn’t until perhaps the start of this year that I think I fully got to the end of that road and fully accepted it. 

There were parts of me that still were not 100% comfortable with it.  Why did I need it?  Why is it so effective?  Why wasn’t I strong enough to be the wife, mother, and person I wanted to be without relying on my husband’s discipline?   

When I think (and read) back through my discipline experiences, I can tell I spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct what certain punishments meant – about me, about Mike, about our relationship.  I always concluded in one way or another that my disciplining brought me fulfillment, joy, pleasure (perhaps not in the moment) and a oneness with Mike.   While I have always appreciated my DD, I only recently accepted that feeling of appreciation.      

I accept DD as right for me –  unapologetically and unashamed.  And I don’t mean that in an outward sense.  Obviously if you read my posts, I’ve never outwardly felt i needed to apologize or feel ashamed for adopting DD. . . but inwardly? For a long time, especially early on, I felt I needed to apologize to my old self (that self empowered woman who would never cower to any man, especially her husband). 

And as for shame, I don’t mean it in the context of humiliation.  I never felt humiliated (humbled, yes).  The shame I needed to overcome was more about what I can only think to call a subconsciousness of wrong.  Like, I had this “thing” that I couldn’t really identify but now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see it.  I didn’t know it at the time, but there was this part of me trying to ask myself if all of this is just wrong for me and I am just too naive, insecure, blind, ..okay, even stupid… to realize it.   

It was the the tension of this feeling that influenced my behavior.  It made it easier for me to discount a rule, or conveniently forget an obligation.  This added to the fact I was still adjusting to life as a submissive.  Not every fail was due to some subconscious urge to rebel.  But clearly, the part of me that hadn’t accepted submission wasn’t making adhering to my rules any easier. 

DISCIPLINE NIRVANA
Slowly I started to lose the feelings of needing to apologize or
feel shameful towards myself. It probably took two years for the ball to get rolling on losing those things.  And now, I realize, they are gone.   I think our October contract was the impetus for the final purge of those feelings.  Coupled with the discipline I got at the start of the year, and coming out to our family about Kayla and to some degree about my submission – and whammo  – those feelings were replaced with a subconsciousness of right, of joy, of fulfillment. 

Whatever the final straw, all I know is now when I am disciplined, there is no suffering nor sense of self.  I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the emotional uneasiness that came with the need to apologize to myself and deal with that subconsciousness of wrong.  And when there is no suffering nor sense of self, well,  Buddism has a name for that.  Nirvana.  (. . . a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido…  sorry, I can never say the word Nirvana without thinking of that). 

The result is, I simply am not as motivated to write about my spanks and “go esoteric” like I typically do regarding what they mean to me.  I know that is disappointing to you spankos out there, but you know, for you spankos there is navigation on this page to my Discipline archive.  Have fun and bust a nut.  ha.  Is there an equivalent slang for women?   Poon monsoon?  Diddle the Skittle?  Sorry, I didn’t intend to imply a masturbatory predilection amongst spankophiles.  We all know spankos are into such stories for their literary virtue.  I digress!

OUT OF TIME
Well, now look what I did.  I used up this whole post waxing philosphical (is there an opposite of that?  “waning unknowledgeably
perhaps?). Okay, stop it Jen!

I am in such a silly mood!! 

I promise. My next post will share some discipline I’ve received over the last three months or so.   I may even get it up today.  I have it mostly written and then realized it was too long to include here.   If not today, tomorrow.  Hope you enjoyed the post anyway!

Next: 247. Hey, my husband spanks me!