If you read my last few posts (82 or 84), you know that Donna is staying with us while John is out of the country on business. The first part of last week was hard on Donna as John required her to be subject to all my rules, and only my rules. Having to forsake her normal routine and acts of submission was emotionally difficult. She enjoyed the later part of the week and the weekend as John required her to only follow her normal rules, with Mike filling in for John.
Direction, Discipline, and Service.
I’ve always known John and Donna follow a different D/s relationship compared to Mike and me. Donna really enjoys, craves, and is fulfilled by direction, discipline, and service. As for me, I like the Service the most, Discipline is good – a nice mix of pain and pleasure – but I don’t really delve into the Direction part. I don’t seek Mike’s input on a lot of daily decisions. Part of it is that so much of my day is being a mother, and the decisions need to be made quickly. I will give this more thought. Perhaps there are more things I could be doing to be more submissive around “Direction.” I kind of look at is as a nuisance to Mike if I have to seek too much direction from him. I do defer a lot to him as it is, but I am sure I could do more. Humm…something for me to think about and talk about with Mike.
Anyway, John set out the rules for this week and it surprised me. He once again ordered Donna to follow my rules, from this morning (Monday) through when she wakes up on Friday. I thought this might be devastating to Donna but she took it well. She told me that it is much easier this week and I was surprised by her reasoning. She said she is upbeat about it because she knows it will be difficult for her and more importantly, John knows it too, but John wants her to do it anyway. It’s like, she feels more submissive, and thus more comfortable doing it, precisely because it is difficult for her and John knows it and is requiring it anyway. Bottom line, she feels more like “his” submissive this week, even though she is following my rules. Interesting!
Submission – The Dark Side or the Bright?
Spending all this time with Donna means we’ve been able to talk a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our personal motivations and satisfaction regarding submission. I’ve always admitted that my submission is a bit “light” compared to Donna’s, but she made an interesting observation about my submission. She said that she feels my submission comes from a “bright” place, and that hers is more from a “darker” place. And, while she has not known many people who are submissive, her belief is that most cravings for submissiveness comes from a “darker” place and that I was not the norm.
What she meant by dark is that in her mind the submissive has some history that includes perhaps at least some neglect or belittlement, or at worst some physical or sexual abuse. If not any of those, then at least a depression or high anxiety of other origin.
I’ve only known one submissive –Donna. She has met a few other than me, but didn’t know them well, so our sample size is basically limited to our personal experiences. I disagreed with her and told her that I think it is her own personal confirmation bias talking. We all relate best to our own experiences, and tend to assume that people who are like us must have also had similar experiences and have similar motivations. I told her I’ve never read anything about this so can only assume that like most things in life, people involved in various TTWD run the gamut of life experiences. That includes whether or not TTWD include D/s or any other kink. My guess is there is no set profile of “dark” or “bright” (as she called it).
I do admit that her past has some physical, emotional, and sexual trials and tribulations that I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience. I also admit that those experiences play a role in the colloquial “things we do” as well as in the kink culture TTWD. I do not believe a specific set of life experiences predisposes someone to seek out a D/s relationship. As this is just a gut feeling, I am open to the fact I could be wrong.
I also sensed condescension in her tone. As if she was a “real” submissive and I was just playing like one. That’s a bit of an over dramatization, but, I still felt that she was inferring this. Funny thing, but I know in my discussions with Kayla that I’ve done far worse than just infer this. When I was still feeling resentful about the Kayla situation I told Kayla that this was a serious life choice for me and I couldn’t accept her just doing it as a lark. Funny how the tables have turned and Donna was basically saying something similar to me.
I avoided feeling offended by Donna as I was able to relate to what she was feeling. I even told her how I related this to my situation with Kayla. I agreed her submission is “deeper” than mine, but mine was made to fit me and Mike, not her and John. It also made me realize even more that it is extremely important that Kayla is allowed to create something that fits Kayla, assuming submission is even a route she decides to go. And so what if she is just “trying it on for size?” There isn’t anything that says she has to be committed for life. Heck, even I eased into the current level of submission I have with Mike. We don’t owe the submissive lifestyle a certain “level” of submission. My conversation with Donna just reinforced with me that we should encourage each other to find and maintain a lifestyle that brings us the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that lifestyle may be.
I wonder if there have been any studies out there about submissives? Specifically in the Domestic Discipline sense and specifically with the woman as submissive – although it would be interesting to see if the findings are similar with male submissives. And I don’t mean Christian Domestic Discipline. I mean regarding women who clearly had options and alternatives and sought out a D/s or a Domestic Discipline relationship of their own volition, absent any family or community/religious expectations.
My bet is we would find that we come from all walks of life, all ages, and a wide range life experiences. Some great, some good, some not-so-good, and yes, some very bad too. Oh, what do I know? I’ve apparently got the “bright” form of submission which according to Donna predisposes me to see everything with rose-colored glasses. Maybe so. Maybe not?