376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

1. Make your expectations clear
   This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
   
2. No wrong answers
   Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
   
3. No backseat driving
   Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.
   
   That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”
   
   Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.
   
   #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
   
4. Failure is part of the process.
   Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
   
5. Reward and Support
   Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.
   
   It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

324. My husband reads my emails!

Mike was reading my blog, something he occasionally does.  BTW, he has access to all my accounts – email, blog, Facebook, Twitter, you name it.  It’s been that way since the start of our DD.  He doesn’t check them often and probably checks my emails more than anything else.   

It just dawned on me we have never stipulated this in our contract.  Is that a loophole for me to change all my passwords?   My butt thinks not.   

I think I would lose an appeal to the D2C3.   You know, the Domestic Discipline Contractual Compliance Committee.  I thought of consulting the D2C3 presiding judge, the Honorable Judy Back (of course, we know her better by her nickname Honor Back).  I decided against it as I really don’t mind this rule.  I’d rather save submitting a formal D2C3 request for something really big.    

Is there a point, Jen?   

Why yes there is.  Mike teased me that I couldn’t do a short post about a topic if my life depended on it.  He’s probably right, but maybe I could if the stakes were avoiding a red bottom!  So, was this short enough?   

No?  Shorter still?  Okay, I’ll give it another try on my next post. 

Next: 325. 14 Orgasms

 

245. Synchronizing Expectations

This post can be filed under T.M.I.  It’s probably more than you care to know.  I am trying not to hold back and just write it like it is.  Some of the detail may not be an interesting read.  I wanted to show a bit more of the gears and cogs behind what forms the foundation of our communication style.  And show how we deal with my pursuit of a relationship with Matt.

By the way, don’t know how easy it was to catch, but, see that image above?  Yeah, it’s a door mat.  Door mat.  A mat.  Get it.  As in Matt.  You know… Matt.   Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?    {crickets}  

MORE ON THE REVEAL
I want to revisit what Mike and I first talked about when I asked for the date night with Matt.  I wrote previously that I surprised myself in that once I recognized it was something I would like to do, I did not hesitate to ask Mike.  I wasn’t apprehensive or fearful.  To add to that, I don’t think at any other time in our marriage I would have been so calm and confident about such things.  I believe it reflects the level of “oneness” Mike and I are currently experiencing. 

I admitted to Mike that I am infatuated with Matt.  That “puppy love” type feeling that I haven’t felt since I started dating Mike eons ago.  By the way, this feeling isn’t just emotional.  The feelings are chemical. 

LOVE DRUGGED
When you are at the “infatuation” stage of a relationship, your body produces higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.  And those chemicals feel good! 

Typically when you come down from the “puppy love” drugs, your body then pumps you with vasopressin and oxytocin.  Basically they feel pretty good too and assist with producing an “attachment” type feeling.  They can help create a bond that further cements the relationship.   Love is indeed a drug!  

Ever have that feeling of, “I don’t understand why I am so attracted to that person, I know they are no good for me?”  Well, it’s hard to fight the natural feel good drugs in your system that the person somehow triggers in you. 

That concludes this public service announcement.  Now back to our regular program.

BACK TO OUR DISCUSSION
So here are more details on the discussion that transpired between Mike and I when I asked to date Matt.  Mike was not upset by my revelation.  He grinned and nodded his head, “Yeah, I can see how you would like him.”  He asked me how I felt about it.  I said it was hard to describe as it was so foreign to me and I asked, “What did you feel when Kayla came into our relationship?”

He said that my reactions and support regarding Kayla gave him the confidence to  pursue things with her.  He never felt guilty per se, but there were times he wanted to show me extra attention, love, reassurance.  He didn’t think of it as being driven by guilt over Kayla, but by his love for me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  Ultimately, my acceptance was the most important part of making him comfortable with it.

Yeah, I can relate to that.  I sensed Mike was going to be supportive and that is important to me.  If he had any reservations, I would not not pursue this.

Mike said he was not completely surprised by my request.  He had a hunch something was brewing.  He noticed something in watching me with Matt and said he saw it the first he watched us have sex.  With John the sex is more mechanical – just sex – and Mike enjoys watching me experience that.   But with Matt, Mike saw that there was more tenderness from the start,  a hint of a bond between us – and Mike was thrilled in watching me experience that.  

Mike said it surprised him that I didn’t seem that enthusiastic when we first talked about how I felt about the sex.  I had a “take it or leave it” attitude about it.  I liked Matt okay, and I was happy that Mike enjoyed it so much.  I’ll do it for Mike and the sex wasn’t bad  Yep, that was my attitude.  However, Mike said my attitude didn’t seem to match my body language.  Mike said he sensed a bit of a “spark” between Matt and I and it especially showed during the sex.  Unlike with John, I was really into it. 

In hindsight I agree with Mike’s observation, but at the time I chalked it up to the naughtiness of it all.  I was feeding off Mike’s delight over it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I was and things changed, or maybe I just thought I was and was suppressing the attraction.  No matter.  We’re here now.  

Mike asked me what I envisioned in a relationship with Matt.   

“I don’t know.  No vision really.  Just enjoy and see where it goes.  A lot depends on how Matt acts and behaves.  Now that you approve, I plan to have a discussion with Matt and maybe you should talk to him to make sure we stay on the same page.”

Mike thought for a bit and at first said, “Yes, the three of us should get together and talk about it.”  But then he said, “You know, nix that.  It may be intimidating to Matt if I try to impose certain behaviors.  You are both adults.  I’d like to see how your relationship evolves on its own.  It’s not like I won’t be around.”

This led Mike to state he wants us to alternate between Matt’s place and our house regarding where we have sex.  This is where Mike also gave me some rules regarding keeping him informed throughout the date and calling him after I have sex.

WHAT I SEE IN MATT
Mike had asked me what it was that I like about Matt.  For starters, some of Matt’s peculiarities that remind me of him – there are just certain mannerisms he has that are Mike-like.  As for differences, Matt kind of reminds me of a lost puppy.  He still seems a bit traumatized by his divorce.  He is not self assured like Mike.  My compassion just oozes out to want to help Matt.  

I am keenly aware of my proclivity to want to fix people.  I don’t see Matt as someone who needs fixing.  He isn’t broken, just a bit shaken and down on himself.  The person I have seen thus far has a lot to offer.  Kind, caring, compassionate and witty.   He doesn’t appear to have any unhealthy vices (drinking, drugs, gambling) other than this one vice about sleeping with his friends wife. (ha!).  I see glimpses of a confident Matt.  It’s like this egg shell of doubt that already has lots of cracks.  No, he doesn’t need fixing, just a little chisel and polish to bring back the original Matt.   

Matt tends to be very closed, not forthcoming in showing his vulnerabilities… but he wiill if you prod him a little.  I get a lot of satisfaction each time he opens up a little more.  I wouldn’t say I am in love with him.  Perhaps I will be.  But I am attracted to him, infatuated by him…yes, there is a passion for being with him and of course, the sex.  I enjoy his company.  

THE SEX WITH MATT
Mike was clear with me from the beginning that he didn’t have any specific rules for me regarding sex with Matt.  If I was comfortable doing it, “Go for it,” was his exact words.  And as I shared before, I tell Mike all the details of what Matt and I do.   Mike recently asked me a pretty loaded question.  “Of the things you do with Matt that you do with me, what you like better from Matt than from me?”   

Ouch.  He really wants to go there.  Eject, eject, eject!  Just kidding.  I didn’t hesitate to answer honestly.

The first thing that came to mind is simply the thrill of the unknown.  I still don’t know what Matt may do and the uncertainty adds some fire to the moment.   The sense of adventure and even the awkwardness we both have as we learn each other’s likes and dislikes.  All of that adds an emotion that gives it an extra spark.  In Mike-style wit, Mike responded with, “So in other words, what makes it good is that it simply isn’t me.”  Hey, that’s not what I said!

The next thing isn’t that it is better than something Mike and I do, but just different. (Luckily Mike allowed the “not better, just different” loophole to stand).  

I am a lot louder with Matt. At home I always felt the need to be a little restrained so not to wake the kids.  I think years of this has conditioned me to not be too loud with Mike, even if no kids are around.  In addition, sex at home pretty much means in our bed, because sex on the kitchen table doesn’t work with kids in the house.  So yeah, 25-ish years of sexual habits have conditioned me to be a certain way with Mike.  I can forget that conditioning when I am with Matt.

In addition to louder, I am just more vocal.  With Matt, I will tell him “fuck me right here,” whether still in his doorway, on the kitchen table, living room floor, or wherever.  The air of the illicitness of it all adds to the passion.  Part of that I blame on Mike – he started it.  Mike likes to talk dirty to me when he watches me have sex with Matt, and he gets me to respond in kind.  Now, even when Mike isn’t there, I just have this need to scream those things to Matt.  After all, it’s important to maintain precedent!   That’s my explanation and I am sticking to it! 

Actually, it also helps when you first start having sex with someone that you communicate what feels good.  It also helps Matt overcome some of the hesitancy he has because I am Mike’s wife.  Although each time we’ve had sex he seems to be less and less hesitant about anything.  I’ll keep being loud just in case, tee hee. 

And the elephant in the room, ahem, okay, not quite THAT big. . . yes, Matt has a big penis, bigger than Mike’s, bigger than anyone I’ve been with (8.4 inches).  It’s nice to look at, but honestly, I don’t really feel any difference other than when it is in my mouth.  BTW, I can’t take him all in…sorry, not a skill I’ve honed.  Anyway, yes, nice to look at.  The visual conjures up thoughts of amazing orgasmic sensations, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or in this case, the orgasmic intensity by the size of the dick.   That’s my experience anyway, you’re welcome to differ in the comments!

In all honesty, there isn’t anyone better at sex than Mike.  No one can match the feeling I get from being with him.  Sure I can feel some differences and get satisfaction from those differences, but nothing is better than sex with my husband.   And frankly, it is probably 80% mental/emotional and only 20% physical that makes that statement true.   For me, sex with my lifetime  partner is tops!    

So that’s pretty much it.  Mike and I do share everything.   Try having that conversation with your significant other, I dare you!

WHAT’S NEXT WITH MATT
It’s been two weeks since that initial “date request.”  Matt and I have gone out twice.  We went back to his place for sex and then I came home.   And just yesterday Mike set my official date night with Matt to be on Tuesdays.  So if you keeping score, with Mike’s new edict, one Tuesday Matt and I go out and return to his place, and the next Tuesday we go out and return to mine.

I’ve had great discussions with Matt regarding my expectations and his.  I believe we are on the same page, as well as one can ascertain such things at this point.  And clearly Mike and I are on the same page.  So I think we are off to a proper start, as evidenced by Mike’s next suggestion. 

OVERNIGHTS?
“Jen, would you like to spend the night at Matt’s when your date nights end at his place?” 

Yep, Mike just asked me that last night.  It would have be easy to say, “Whatever you like, Sir.” or even just an “Okay, Sir,” but those answers aren’t acceptable.  When Mike asks me something it isn’t because he wants me to agree (he doesn’t need my agreement).  He wants to know how I feel.  It took many spankings over quite a long time to make me finally break my habit and understand that when asked for my opinion, “Okay” is not an answer.    

I thanked him for offering this and told him I would like that.  We will give J a cover story that I had an early doctor’s appointment.  So it’s settled.  Next Tuesday I go on a sleep over! 

MAID SERVICE?
Mike then added, “And can Matt use some help at his apartment?  Cleaning, laundry, stuff like that?”  I responded that I suppose he could and I stated that this sounded like a step towards being submissive to Matt (I already shared with Mike that I am not looking for that).  Mike said he wasn’t asking me to be, but thought it would be yet another bonding opportunity if I performed some acts of service for Matt – not out of submission, but out of caring.

I expressed concern with it taking away from my current duties and obligations in our own household.  I am already extremely busy meeting those commitments. Mike paused for a moment then responded, “On the nights you spend with Matt, in the morning I want you to prepare him breakfast and after he goes to work I want you to stay and clean his apartment.  You can leave there at noon.” 

“Yes, Sir.”

WHERE’S THE GREAT COMMUNICATION IN THAT?
There are differences in our communication depending on the situation.  For instance, I might bring something up to him at any time that prompts a meaningful discussion. These “somethings” are ideas or thoughts I am having about something we haven’t discussed before, such as my request for a date night with Matt.

Then there are the discussions that lead to Mike making a decision and stating what he wants.  At that point the discussion is over.  I am not to argue, plead, or hesitate when he states something in a declarative way.  I am to simply obey.  I can use our next Maintenance Session to respectfully express my concerns. 

I’ve learned to be attuned to how Mike states something.  He is typically very clear when he is soliciting my feedback and when he isn’t.  And when he isn’t, it is my duty to obey without question.  I like that.  Every time he states something in a commanding way, I get a little tingle in my tickle-spot. 

WHAT WILL I SAY AT MAINTENANCE? 
I’ve learned to think before I speak.  So let’s look at the evidence.  In this case, we had agreement that he was not expecting me to be submissive to Matt, no need to reiterate that.  I stated my concern about performing my own household duties, so no need to repeat that either  (repeating the same plea could result in discipline).  The thing I think I will bring up at Maintenance is that at first Mike said he wanted my relationship with Matt to evolve on its own.  Now here he is, imposing things.  That’s it!

Now, I have to think carefully about how to word my concern.  I can’t ever phrase things in a way that sound like I am saying “got ya’, so there!”  Very disrespectful.   I know Mike is coming from a loving place, but I really want to know if his general approach is going to be hands off or not.  It is just that… wait, hold on.  You know what?  This is why I love writing.  Epiphany!

It doesn’t matter that Mike said he wanted to just “see how it evolved.”  He is always free to modify anything he says.  He doesn’t have to forever commit to that statement.  And I shouldn’t expect him to give a commitment on how he wants to handle this.  Heck, I can’t even commit to how I will handle this.  It’s too new.  

I shouldn’t have put so much weight on his statement of “let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.”  He said it in the context of having a face-to-face three way discussion about ground rules.  He didn’t say it in the context that he wasn’t ever going to be involved, in fact he ended it with, “it’s not like I won’t be around.”

This is what I love about my DD!  

It may not seem like it, but what I am sharing here is huge.   Think of it this way — Suspend the fact that pre-DD Jenny wouldn’t be talking to Mike about date night rules with another man – just pretend that little fact doesn’t apply.   Okay, got it?  Great.

Here’s how I imagine pre-submissive Jenny would have dealt with this —  When Mike said to clean Matt’s place, pre-submissive Jenny would say, “I already said I have too much to do.  What are you going to take away from my responsibilities here so that I can tend to Matt?  And you’re exact words were ‘let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.’  Well, now you are sticking your nose in and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing for Matt.  Make up your mind!”

A far cry from “Yes, Sir.”

So what will I say at Maintenance?   Nothing. 

I am good.  I’ll adjust my calendar as best as I can and like always, if I run into challenges in meeting my Duties and Obligations, I’ll talk to Mike.  My tending to Matt’s place is as important as any other Duty and Obligation because Mike wishes it.  That’s good enough for me.

AND EVEN MORE WHAT’S NEXT?
Lastly, this morning Mike told me to think of ideas to spend more time with Matt.  Mike said he feels if it is all just “dinner and a fuck” (his words), that I won’t really be getting to know him better. He told me to talk to Matt and come back with suggestion.   “Yes, Sir.”

I’ll talk to Matt.  Here are some things that come to mind:

• Perhaps I spend all day on a weekend with him.  Not sure how my schedule can swing that or what kind of cover story we can come up with J. 
• Maybe he comes to our house more often…dinner and hang out, stuff like that.  Not great one-on-one time, but it isn’t always about one-on-one stuff.  Sharing mundane daily life can be bonding. 
• Maybe we go somewhere together?  I am not opposed to it, but I really don’t want to be away from Mike and J like that.  I can handle an overnight, but a weekend or something like that?   I don’t think so.   And Mike would definitely have to give me special dispensation from my Duties and Obligations. 

We’ll see.  Mike asked me for ideas on how to spend more time with Matt, not for excuses on why I shouldn’t.  

Enough Matt-talk.  Did you know that my husband sometimes spanks me?  Yes, shocking isn’t it.  You may not know that from my recent posts.  Maybe it’s time to share about a punishment or two?   Next post?     

Next: 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

 

 

 

236. Domestic Discipline works for me

Mike has been rationing my internet time (re Post 217).   In addition, my new volunteer work is impacting my “me” time more than I expected.   Thus, the combination of the two has decreased the pace of my posts following a frenetic posting streak (at least for me) in January.

It seems childish that my husband would have to limit my internet time.  Well, I agree, it is . . . in-so-far as we assume that, as adults, we always make decisions that are in our best interests.  Well guess what, we don’t!  And I am fortunate to have a dynamic in my relationship that holds me accountable to my husband and subject to consequences for failures in my agreed upon duties and obligations.

I was being consumed with social media and it actually created an anxiety that I didn’t see at the time.  I had to get online… I had to check what was going on here, going on there, what so-and-so was saying, what I could add to this conversation or that conversation, let alone, my own emails and posts. 

You would think this anxiety would cause me to want to unplug for a while, but it was just the opposite.  I wanted more.  I don’t want to call it an addiction, but it did share some of those traits.  In the moment I felt relieved, excited, fulfilled… and once I stopped, I felt anxious, like I was missing out, and just had to get back online. 

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
It may surprise you that I’ve thought a lot about what could have been at the root of my social media fixation in January — ha, that was a joke, as any regular reader knows “Self-reflection” is my middle name.    To some extent that fixation is always there — it is how many of us engage the world.  But in January it reached a tipping point for me and went from “engaging” to “counter productive.”    

REVISED DD
I think part of it was that I was adjusting to the new requirements in our latest contract.  (I wrote about some of them in Post 168, Post 169, and Post 173).   Even though the new contract started mid-October, the holidays interrupted a lot of our DD routine such that much of it couldn’t be fully practiced and refined until January.

SUBMISSIVE FAILS
Part of it was also the string of disciplinary actions I got myself into from around December through January had me feeling a little defeated – like I was failing at my submission.  Missing the Super Bowl party really stung.  In hindsight, it was a great motivator in adjusting my behavior.  It really put things in the right perspective for me.

REVEALING D/s AND KAYLA
Lastly,  I can now see that I had anxiety over the prospects of our being more public with our dynamic – both the D/s and relationship with Kayla.  I welcomed this, and have been very happy with all that has transpired thus far because of it.   But, prior to actually doing it, I was feeling some anxiety about the unknown.  Fear of rejection? Fear of being thought of in a negative way?   I know I had those fears.  And even if I thought I had them under control, fear can be insidious and manifest itself in ways you don’t realize.   I can totally see how my need to engage people (be accepted) was heightened because of those underlying fears I had.

FIXING IT!
The volunteer work has helped because I think part of it was that I was needing more real life connections.  I have my “lunch bunch” friends but we don’t get together as often as I’d like.  Oh – and I never mentioned this, but, Donna, who is my best friend, has been working more hours (she normally works part-time) thus my commiserating with her has been limited.  And Kayla has school, so is gone chunks of the day, and until recently, had her boyfriend to spend time with.   So yeah, I needed more IRL connections!

And while the volunteering has helped, the biggest “cure” was in Mike restricting my online time.  It made me hone in on what and who was truly important to me regarding which social media I would engage and how much I would engage it.

I’ve given priority to blogging and communicating (via email, text, etc) with specific people I enjoy communicating with.  Even with that priority, my time is more limited so I don’t get to do it quite as much as I would like, but, I no longer feel any anxiety over it. Because Mike commands it, it is as if I allow myself an acceptable excuse for not always “keeping up” as much as I would like.   Yep – that’s the mind of a submissive!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!
So yeah, it may sound childish to some of you that my husband has to discipline me, but hey, it works!  I no longer feel the anxiety I was having in January.  I am energetically and effectively performing my duties and obligations  (And thankful for our Maintenance Sessions as the need for discipline has been few and far between over the last 6-8 weeks or so). 

I know the pre-DD Jenny would be gagging over the thought of her husband restricting her internet time.  But today’s Jenny is more happy, more fulfilled, more optimistic, more joyful, and is a better person, wife, mother, and friend – so that pre-DD Jenny can just suck it!!  Oh wait, that sounds like something the today Jenny is more apt to do.  lol!!

Speaking of sucking, NaughtyNora commented in my last post, asking me about Matt.  There’s some fodder for my next post!   Ha.  How’s that for a segue?

Next: 237. Weird in a Good Way – Cuckolding

220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, “Can submission lead me to healing?”

I remember pre-DD Jenny.  The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like.  It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control.  It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.

It’s too early for me to forget my anger.  No, it won’t be forgotten that easily.  But, I can put it aside momentarily.   Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.

So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again?  Oh, anger!  I thought I put you down.  Let me try again.

So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it.  Anger, I thought I put you down.  Let me try again. 

So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there.  Let me try again.  

So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away.   Let me try again.

Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate.  What does that matter anyway?   I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.   

I got to find my happy place.  Just for a little while.  The anger will be there later for me to pick it up.   Happy place?  Hum.  I got it.  Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party. 

{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage }  Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike.  Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.

ONE ETERNITY LATER
Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization.  A very important truth about discipline.  At least, it is a truth to me.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves.   That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).

But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF.  We all have rules we must abide by.  Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society.  Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline.  (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope). 

For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner.  And for me, that discipline, more so than SD,  provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down.  If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline!   Oh wait, I got one!  I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.

This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me.  It completes my self-discipline.

THE ACT AND THE RESULTS
With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS. 

The act of discipline is NOT punishment. 
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline.  Spanking, chastisement, being shunned.  Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?  

The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD.  Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability.  And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline.  It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.  

The result of discipline is NOT pain.  The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments.  Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves.   DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.

MIKE IS CAPABLE
I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!).  He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me!  He has done amazing things for Kayla as well.  His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different.  Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.

Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust.  Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful.   In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little.  While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful.  Once again, progress, not perfection 

DOM MIKE IS A BETTER LISTENER
Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires.  He does that MORE since DD than ever before.  Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him.  Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited.  Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.

MIKE IS WORTHY
Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline.  Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this?  I know he put a lot of thought into his decision.   Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself.  Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision.  Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue.  especially on this issue.  

Submission is not easy.  Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike.  My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt.  I can begin to heal my anger through submission.

STILL CAN’T “SUBMIT” THE BAD FEELINGS AWAY
So maybe I am like 80% there.  I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling.  So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.

MOTIVATION
What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party?   He wants me at the party, I know it!  He enjoys having me there.  But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun.  The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it.  My behavior warranted it.  Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.

And what of my motivations to be angry?  Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.”  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom?   I can.

No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now.   While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment.   So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?

There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross.  But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges.  What is the risk for my heart?   It doesn’t feel good to feel angry.   At least, not long term.  Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good.  It is very self-serving…. downright selfish.  But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.

I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order.  I appreciate that Mike feels this way too.  To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.

When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.  While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head. 

You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.     

P.S.  I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger.  I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net.   Lot’s of great practical advice.  While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission.  I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.

NEXT: 221. Restriction Pleasure?

217. Domestic Discipline 1, Self Discipline 0

The hand of self discipline may best come from the hand that spanks you.

I’ve been meaning to share what happened at my girlfriend “lunch bunch” get together. (The one I mentioned in Post 211. Eek! Dom Fail).   But, I keep thinking of other things to share and now, well, now it will have wait.   Here’s the thing — 

MY GROWING OBSESSION
This is my 17th post this month, that’s a lot for me.  I have felt this increase impulse to share – almost an obsession.  This month I also joined a couple of different online DD communities.  I also have a few pen pals so to speak – people I email with back and forth.  People I met through my blog or those communities.  On top of that, there is my “vanilla” online self via Facebook and Twitter, and the texts and emails I exchange with friends and family members.  I have spent many more hours this month on every one of the things I’ve listed here.  

I have shared before I have this tendency to want to be everyone’s problem solver.   Not in a “you should do this” sort of way, but more like a therapist.  Listening and guiding, not dictating.  Mike recognized I was spending an increasing amount of time on these things – any down time I had would be spent with my head buried in my phone, or typing away at the computer.  Mike warned me he felt it was interfering in my duties.  Nothing concrete he could point to, just a sense, thus, it was just a warning. 

HAPHAZARD HOUSEWIFE
Yesterday, I was in our bedroom putting laundry away when Mike came in.  He commented on how sloppy our bed looked.  I had made it, but clearly not to his liking.  He looked at things I had folded and also noted they were not up to my usual standard.

He was right, I was going about my chores haphazardly, and to be honest, I admitted to Mike that I was hurrying to make more time for myself.  Kayla and Michaud were taking J to the movies, and I wanted to use the time for some “me” time, which lately means “online time.”  (And yes, Michaud was coming over to our house afterwards, but that’s another post).

Mike told me to go stand in the corner and he would be back once Kayla and J left, which was not for another thirty minutes or so.  I undressed and stood in the corner.  I hope we don’t end up worrying J about “mom’s headaches.”  That’s our go to excuse when I am indisposed in the bedroom for extended periods of time.   I digress. 

Eventually they left and Mike returned to the room.   I was called over to kneel before him. “Keep your eyes down,” he commanded as he stood over me.

He lectured me for some time, about how my past tendencies seem to be surfacing. He covered issues that he knows push every one of my “buttons” regarding what is important to me. He said he was disappointed in himself for only warning me instead of disciplining me. He thought by now I would have the self discipline to deal with it on my own, but clearly, I did not. 

He sat down in a chair and called me over, across his knee.  He spanked me countless times by hand.  I started to cry.  It was a hard spanking, but I’ve had much harder.  It was more about the emotional release of guilt.  I truly felt guilty.  He was absolutely right.  (I’ve written before about crying).   I was absolutely too immersed in my online world and too immersed in every one else’s problems.  Typical pre-DD Jenny.

He then told me to fetch “The Beast”, our 32 inch rubber prison strap.  It’s been awhile since he has used it (now I wish I hadn’t made that post about nicknames).  Nervous and crying, I brought it to him.  I was keenly aware that no one else was home, so my impending shrieks were of no concern.

He told me to get on the bed and lay on my stomach. He then went into our toy box and came back with various restraints, cuffed my wrists and ankles, and secured them to the bedposts.  “These are going to come quick.  I want to hear you clearly and quickly count these out, else we start over.”

“Yes, Sir.”

He started with fairly moderate whacks, only three to five seconds a part.  By the third my butt was stingy, and by the fifth I could tell they were coming with increased intensity.  I screamed, “Six, thank you Sir” and before I could catch my breath, “Seven, thank you Sir,”  Number eight came down very hard, and I yelled, “Eight, thank you Sir.  Yellow Sir, yellow!”

Mike pauses and rubs my butt.  “You deserve two more, so I’ll give you a minute or two so we can finish.”  I sob with my face buried in a pillow for the entire time and eventually manage to say, “Okay, Sir, I am ready.”  

“Nine, thank you Sir.  Ten, thank you Sir.”   

Mike rubs my ass and gives it about ten quick swats with his hand.  He doesn’t say anything and for a moment I thought he was retrieving another implement, but then I realize he simply left the room.  Adding to the discomforts of being splayed out with my arms and legs spread wide and having a red hot butt that I want to rub so badly, is the fact my pillow is wet with the slobber and tears of a a good cry, which hasn’t yet fully subsided. 

It is almost thirty minutes before Mike returns and the punishment is over.  Before he formally called it to an end, he says, “I want you to figure this out.  You don’t need me policing everything you do.  Fix this.  Do your online stuff so that it doesn’t interfere with your responsibilities around here.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir,” 

As emotional as this punishment was for me, I totally appreciate it.  I know myself, as does Mike, that left unchecked it was clear things would have only gotten worse.  While I enjoy doing those things online, my fulfillment is found in my duties and obligations to Mike and my family.  While I have free time, I need to manage it better.  That was only made more clear by what happened about an hour later. 

I finished my morning chores and was preparing some lunch for Mike and I.  After lunch I had some “me” time that I planned to use to work on the blog.  I went to go boot up my laptop so it would be ready, and found it was already on.  “Oh goody, let me just quickly check one thing.”   Well, you know how it is.  The rabbit hole of social media!!  Looking at one thing became responding to one thing, which became looking at another, etc.

“What’s that smell?” I said to myself.   Oh no, I left some beans on the stove.  Yep, they were burned – what a smell.   Mike had been outside doing stuff in the yard, and when he comes in, I had to fess up. 

“I’ll make my lunch today, go to your room,” he commands.

 To be honest, the thought in my head was simply, “SHIT!”  I was very disappointed in myself.

I was crying from just standing in the corner. Mike eventually comes in.

He calls for me to again go over his knee. He spanks me by hand for a very long time, making sure to repeatedly and thoroughly cover every inch of my ass in redness.  Again I am told to lay on the bed, this time on my back.  My wrists and ankles are again shackled.   He goes into our closet and comes out with the blindfold, violet wand, and a crop.  The crop actually belongs to John and Donna, but I wasn’t even wondering how it go here as my mind was clearly focused elsewhere.  It is the thin riding crop with a heart shaped end to it.  

To make a long punishment short, while blindfolded, Mike proceeds to zap me, and zap me, and zap me.  Side of one breast, then the other, one nipple, then the other, my sides, my belly, my thighs, my pussy, and even my clit.  He then gets the crop and spanks my thighs and pussy harder than he has ever done so before.  I have been swatted a few times here and there on my pussy, but never had a full punishment focused on it.  This was, how shall I say it?  It was all about the thighs and pussy. 

My emotional tears became tears of pain.  Not unbearable, at first, but eventually, I called yellow, then red.  I don’t remember the last time I called red?  I probably posted about it.     

Mike calls the discipline session to a close, and tells me, “I am keeping your phone the rest of the day.  If someone calls or texts, I will let you know if you can respond.  I will also take your phone in the evenings when I get home from work, or I will keep it with me all day if I work from home.  I will be checking your accounts, emails, and phone for any activity.  I don’t want you responding to anyone or posting anything on any site or form of social media without my permission.  That includes your blog.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir.” 

“Oh, and I want you to blog about today’s events, so you have permission to do that, but I don’t want to see you as much as comment or like or anything else without my permission.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Suffice to say, it may be a quiet week or so from me regarding posting or responding to people.  He didn’t say I couldn’t, and he didn’t say he would always say no.  But, I still think easing off a bit on my own will be good.

Quick reflection
I would have done this in another post, but since I don’t know when that would be, well, here it is.   Odd thing was, when I admitted to Mike that I was rushing through my chores, part of me expected him to say, “Oh, darling, let me help so you can get in your me time.”

I am glad his response was to send me to the corner and discipline me. It is so clear to me where things were heading, and the burning of the beans was the icing on the cake (ew, burnt beans would not be good icing).   Ha, you get the point.   I was falling into an old habit.   It wasn’t just perusing the internet or keeping in touch with people.  I was becoming invested in helping too many people solve their problems.  

Helping people is not a bad thing and that is NOT a habit I want to rid myself of – nor does Mike.  It is the tendency I have to let it overtake me, consume me, hypnotize me.  It’s like my own dramatic television show that I get hooked on and have to binge watch.   All things in moderation!  Even helping people. 

My plan is to better prioritize my online activities.  I don’t really like Twitter, so I have deleted that account – no more getting sucked into the Twittersphere (and no longer reacting to the latest tweet from President Twitler).  Facebook?  Meh, an occasional check here or there, but no need to look up every friend at once and start commenting and liking everything they post.

If friends and family want help, well, the best way that should be done is in person.   I don’t need to know their every passing thought, concern, hang up, problem, etc.  If they want to talk, come over for lunch or something!   That leaves me my blog and my “email” friends – people I have met via my blog or other online communities that I exchange emails with.   THAT will be the focus on my “me” time — that is, whenever I am not using it to just chill in front of the tv or go out and about with no particular purpose (window shopping!).

Pre-DD, this would have been left unchecked and would have resulted in conflict with Mike.   Instead, it has been solved, and my resolve to not repeat this is strengthened.

When self discipline fails, domestic discipline sails!  hee hee.

NEXT: 218. Other forms of discipline: Restrictions

213. Speedy Spanking Summations

I went through my journal and noted some spankings I received since the start of the year that are not as “epic” as the one’s I typically share.  I thought it might be of interest to see the more “mundane” things I mess up on.     

As a point of clarity, I am not diminishing their importance.  Every transgression and punishment has meaning to me.  I just feel all of them are not going to be of interest to readers nor indicate a milestone for me.   

I also want to note as far as severity of the punishment, none of them are mild or moderate — every one is high intensity.   Lately Mike has been in a habit of giving what he calls a “6×6 spanking.  Six sets of six spankings, three on each cheek in very fast (and hard) succession.  He lectures in between each set and the final six are of maximum intensity.   I leave every spanking with a very red, warm, and burning butt.

They definitely are serving their purpose as a deterrent.  I’ve noticed that when I am in the corner awaiting my punishments that my mind is thinking about what is to come. This isn’t a bad thing.  It is just what it is. 

I made this recap fun (okay, fun for me) in that I looked up what part of the contract applied to the particular transgression.  

TRANSGRESSION:   left my debit card at a restaurant.
I remembered soon after leaving and doubled back and retrieved it.

• Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload
• Discipline:  Palms slapped with ruler, then  thirty minutes in the corner with a butt plug in, hands cuffed behind me, then 100 lines, and then 18 spankings by hand, 2 each for 9 errors/sloppy lines, then the “6×6” with a paddle.  Worst part – not being able to scratch an itch while in the corner! j/k, the paddle was worse!

TRANSGRESSION:  Cussing
I am not a big cusser.  It is rare, but I stubbed my toe and in pain and between my clenched teeth I let loose with “God Damn It!”  Luckily my son wasn’t around.

• Violation of Section V.2.3.1 Feelings
• Discipline:  Mouth soaping and 15 minutes in the corner with the bar of soap in my mouth, pee rinse and drink, and a “6×6” with the hairbrush.  In addition we had a lecture/talk about whether I was frustrated with other things that may have led to my cussing.  I couldn’t identify any, but I wanted to note this because there are times Mike will use a discipline session as an opportunity to talk WITH me, not just at me. 

TRANSGRESSION: Left a pot of stew on stove 
I had left it to cool before putting it in a container and in the fridge.  I forgot about it!

• Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload and/or V.2.1.4 Homemaker
• Discipline: Mike called me to the kitchen and gave me a “6×6” with a wooden spoon.  I was a bit apprehensive since our son was home (asleep).  It is very rare for him to ever wake up, but, you just never know.  I accepted it without hesitation but did talk to Mike about it at Maintenance.  He agreed it was not worth the risk and said he would be more discreet.  He praised me for not hesitating and not showing any signs I was put off by it, despite my apprehension.  (Remember – Thanks and Praise!) 

TRANSGRESSION:  Dress code violation
Hey, it’s winter and it gets cold!  I was naked, as is required when J is in school, but I put socks on because my feet were cold.  I should have asked Mike for permission.  He would have easily granted it (because he has always done so).  I just got lazy and decided not to ask him since he always says yes anyway.  Oops. 

• Violation of Section V.2.2.3 Attire
• Discipline:  Always looking to be creative, he took a pair of his socks (mine are too short) and wrapped a sock around each of my breasts and then tied each end of the sock tightly together – sort of homemade breast binder.  It worked surprisingly well — see, you can MacGyver your kink gear!
  He then had me get a handful of ice, clenched my fists, and I held it for 30 seconds.  That doesn’t seem like much, but try it!  He then gave me 30 seconds to pause without the ice in hand, then repeated it, another 30 second break, and then a final 30 again holding the ice — not all punishment involves impact and at least the ice was just in my hand (Post 63) LOL!  He didn’t do a 6×6 – he gave me  lots by hand over his knee.  There was no count, just lots of spanking and lecturing on remembering to ask permission.  

TRANSGRESSION:  Not showing deference to Mike
Mike and I were at John and Donna’s and in conversation I said something about “Mike asked me…”   Mike does not ask me, he instructs, demands, or tells me, things.  I am not to refer to such demands as being “asked.”   The only exception is if indeed Mike was asking me a question, such as for my opinion on something.  I can refer to that as being “asked.”  But if he is giving me something to act upon, he is not asking.   
This was a new rule that we added to our recent Contract and I anticipated it was going to be difficult for me.  In reality, it took me a few weeks to fully master it but after that, I never forgot, until this slip up. 

• Violation of Section V 2.1.8 Deference
• Discipline: As what has become the “standard” for things dealing with words I say or don’t say, I received a mouth soaping along with the pee rinse and drink.  As this was at John and Donna’s house and they were witness to my disobedience, they also watched the discipline.  He borrowed one of their hairbrushes  and ended it with a 6×6.  By the way, their hairbrush was more like a paddle disguised as a hair brush.  It was much harder and larger than mine.  This was all extra humbling for me because John and Donna watched.  They’ve seen me punished before, but it has been a long time.   

TRANSGRESSION:  Slouching and not being graceful. 
This is another item that is new to our Contract.  I need to be more graceful in my movements.  This was such a big challenge for me that Mike agreed to pay for classes for me.  Etiquette classes, complete with private sessions with a tutor!  I just started them two weeks ago. The classes are a bit boring, but the private sessions have been a hoot. 
Mike had been lenient on my “gracefulness” because he recognizes it is very challenging to change life long habits of how you carry your body when you walk and sit.  He would often give me reminders and I would not be punished as long as he didn’t have to persistently remind me over a short period of time.
Now that I have attended two classes and 4 private sessions, he expects me to better adhere to the things that have been covered in class and the sessions.  
Over the course of a few days last week he had to remind me several times regarding how I was walking and sitting.  He decided he had given enough reminders and discipline was in order. 

• Violation of Sections V.2.2.4.1, V.2.2.4.2, V.2.2.4.3, Gracefulness
• Discipline:  A straight forward old-fashioned belt spanking with my face down on the bed.  I got a 6×6 on my butt and then got several on each thigh. He then had me turn over on my back, spread my legs, and he struck me several times on my inner thigh, just missing my pussy.       

That’s it.  And that’s a lot!  Add to this the two Maintenance Sessions per week, and the “reset” (Post 204), and my butt is a bit shell-shocked.  It has been three weeks and there is still some bruising left from the New Year’s Eve spanking.    

While I admit my butt is sore, emotionally I am very upbeat.  The “reset” is over, I feel highly focused, deeply submitted, and overwhelmingly fulfilled.  I do feel I have a lot on my plate but I am very organized.  I keep a detailed calendar and leave myself little “reminder’ notes here and there.  I am not seeing a lot of repeated misbehaviors regarding the same topic.   I have no complaints . . . which is good, because my Contract requires that I shall remain joyful, scheduled, and optimized regarding my duties. Contract or not, that is my current state!

Next:  214. Nicknames: Opening our Joy Box

212. Another Weigh I am Submissive

Weigh in day was yesterday!  I shared that Mike required me to get my weight down to 135.  My official starting weight on October 18, was 153.3.   My official weight is an average of my morning, afternoon, and evening weigh-in.   I was at 136.8 two weeks ago.  The pounds were getting more difficult to shed.   Would I make it? 

My weigh-in?  134.6, then 134.8, and then 134.9, so officially 134.76.  I just made it!

I was a little disappointed I didn’t lose more over the last three weeks, but, I am not complaining.   Oh, and if you are thinking that I should strangle my husband for making me lose weight, I shared my thoughts in  Post 202.   The short of it, yeah, I get it.  Weight and appearance can be a touchy subject and there was a time even a comment about such things would have offended me.  No more!  I submit to him regarding dress, make up, overall appearance, and yes, my weight!

Mike has added a weigh-in to my Maintenance Sessions.  I must stay under 135.  I think I’ll shoot to get to 132 before thinking about easing up a bit – I’d like to get back to having at least the occasional sweets and treats.  I will stick with my exercise routine as I’ve enjoyed exercising way more than I use to.  I think DD has made my body addicted to endorphins, thus exercising feeds that addiction!  That’s my theory anyway.    

By the weigh, as a show of support, if you recall I shared that Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He ended up losing 9 — loser!!  Ha ha.  He knows I am joking.  And again, if you think it is unfair that he didn’t reach his goal and I did, refer back to Post 202. 

NEXT QUARTERLY GOAL
My contract calls for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me. The purpose of this is for Mike to choose some things that he feels will help me in overall self-improvement.  For the next quarter, he is  putting together 13 topics that he wants me to research – one per week.  I basically write a paper, just like a school assignment.  He thought about making me hand write it, but thankfully decided typing was acceptable!   

He doesn’t have all 13 topics selected yet.  The ones he has are all kink related.  The bonus is these papers may serve as good topics for a blog post!  Sort of killing two birds with one stone.  I’ll share the topics once he has completed them. 

That’s it.  Just a quick update on my Quarterly Goal!

Next:  213. Speedy Spanking Summations

86. Nature vs. Nurture? Finding my DD.

This post picks up where I left off on my prior post and I apologize in advance if I meander a bit in thought and revisit some topics from some of my initial posts.  I am just laying the emotional backdrop to an epiphany I had today that I will share on my next post.

Donna continues to stay with us until John returns on November 19.   In my last post I shared that Donna perceives the source of my submission as coming from a “bright” place in that my past lacked experiences with abuse, belittlement, neglect, etc.  I felt she was stereotyping and the comments I received seemed to agree. Submissives come from all walks of life with varied experiences!

The one common thread is simple – submissives get immense satisfaction from being submissive. The “why” will vary, but the end result is the same – it provides fulfillment in ways we haven’t found in other lifestyles. My About page highlights several of my posts about what I get from submission. My ongoing discussions with Donna have given me the opportunity to think more about why I get that fulfillment. Simply put, I have needs.

NEEDY 
I looked up the definition of “needy” and it is – destitute, indigent, deprived, disadvantaged. The definition seems to only address economic issues, not emotional issues.   Why is that? Because when it comes to emotions, we all have needs, therefore by default, we are all needy.   Satisfying our non-economic needs is a combination of cultural influences and our individual biology. The age-old combination of nurture and nature that influences everything about us.

NURTURE?
My embrace of DD certainly wasn’t from the “nurture” side of things because nothing in my upbringing supported a path to submissiveness. I know that there are some who had their submissiveness nurtured from an early age. This could be due to religion or other influences where submission was modeled by others around you and expected from you. That’s not me. While my dad was a misogynist, my mother instilled in me that I was free to live life as I see fit and didn’t need anyone (like a man), or anything (like a drug) to complete me. My family is full of strong females who modeled very non-submissive attitudes and behaviors for me.

My dad was present, but not active, in my life and that of my siblings. He went to our various school events, but never was as invested in what we were doing as my mom was.   In other words, he never asked us questions about what we were doing, what we liked, disliked, etc. It was more, “What time do you need me to be there?”

My parent’s relationship is/was odd. They were loving towards me and my siblings, but I simply describe their relationship with each other as amicable. I know my dad cheated on my mom and there was a time they even separated. While they reconciled, they kept separate bedrooms and to this day still maintain separate bedrooms. They act and behave more like best friends and roommates than husband and wife. Some of this may be because my mom didn’t conform to the submissiveness my dad desired from her. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I always related to my mom and her sense of self and self-empowerment and not my dad’s desire for a “barefoot and pregnant” (and quiet) housewife.

NATURE?
My body rewards me when I think of submission, let alone actually submit.   Whatever “pleasure” endorphins or neurochemicals the brain naturally produces all go into overdrive when I submit (or even just think about it). Simply put, these pleasure chemicals feel good!   My mom said I didn’t need any drugs in my life, and while I know she meant the illicit type, oh how wrong she was. Endorphins and the various natural neurochemicals our body produces are heaven!

Interesting, but I’ve read stuff that indicates some people get a release of these pleasure chemicals when they think of their religion. Brain scans of people who identify as highly religious show a lot of activity in their “pleasure centers” when they are asked to think about their religion. Religion is a form of submission. Interesting that the brain “rewards” some of us for submission.

Of course, the debate is, was there something in our nurturing that “trained” our brain as to what it deemed pleasurable, or were we hard-wired at birth?    Studies agree it isn’t one or the other, but a mix of both, and likely more nature versus nurture (at least from what I have read).

FINDING DD (Revisited)
I cover this in more detail in my Back Story and will summarize it here. I didn’t get into Domestic Discipline until I was 45 and married for 23 years.   I “had it together” during those 23 years.   Things pretty much had to be my way and Mike pretty much conceded.

I found myself seeking greater and greater control of everything. Part of this was to compensate for my son’s special needs. By controlling his environment to give him every possible opportunity to thrive in every moment of every day, I could at least yield some influence over a condition I couldn’t cure.   Mentally I dismissed every act of my control as an act of love for my son, no matter if it really related to his care or not.   In my mind, the more problems I could solve (control), and the more deeds I could do, the better my son would be. It didn’t matter if it was solving his problems, or my sister’s, or my nieces or nephews, friends and neighbors, Mike’s, my other kids, or Kayla’s. Their problems became my problems and I was going to help solve them.   Suffice to say, I burnt myself out.

OPEN TO ANY SOLUTION
My overload led me to seek a change in my life which to me, meant reading and researching to figure it out. I stumbled across Domestic Discipline. My first thought about DD was “that’s dumb, move on.”   However, I have this odd habit that the more negative my initial reaction is to something, the more I want to read about it.  I have found that I have learned so much by opening myself up to things that are contrary to my gut reaction.

I encourage everyone to fight through any initial gut reaction they have to a topic and instead say, “Okay, I’ll hear you out.” The trick then is to actually hear the message and not just go through the motions. It is hard, as you have to be humble and assume the best intentions from the contrary point of view. Easier said than done. If you don’t believe me, what’s your gut reaction when you hear something contrary to your beliefs about race, religion, or politics? How open are you to really listening to someone whose thoughts are different from yours?  It’s not easy and admittedly, I don’t always do it well.

I digress, but this “lesson” is worth sharing — Keeping your mind open and really hearing the other side is amazing in finding personal growth. There are times when I do this that I find reinforcement and support for my gut reaction – but there are more times where I at least shift my beliefs to something more moderate, as I find greater understanding regarding the motivations and desires of the “other side.”   And then there are the rare occasions where I completely change my point of view. DD was one such time.

I knew I was on to something after only about thirty minutes or so of reading about DD.  It just resonated with me and my mind was already “rewarding” me with those pleasure chemicals. I remember getting excited and my heart beating faster as I began to formulate how I could incorporate DD into my life. The rest of that journey is laid out in my other posts, basically from posts 1-12.

BRIGHT PATH?
All of what I stated above was a long way of simply saying that while Donna may feel my path to DD was “bright” compared to hers, mine still came about due to a void, a yearning, a missing piece from my life that only submission could fill for me. It also came from a point of just being exhausted trying to do it all.  I loved the thought of giving up my self-imposed responsibility to lead everything in exchange for a self-imposed responsibility to simply follow Mike.

I see the irony in that my DD is akin to what my mother rebelled against – but the BIG difference is that I chose this. It comes down to giving consent versus being controlled.   I think if I had married a domineering man, I too would have rebelled. He was not going to demand submission from me. If I were to give it, it would be because it was my gift. It was not because someone expected it from me.  In fact, I married a man who was willing to defer to me, and perhaps because he deferred too much (or I demanded too much), I reached a point where I was willing to give up all control and fully submit to him.

Not sure where I intended to go with this post, but I needed to get these feelings out. The discussions with Donna these last few weeks has been like a submissive-group therapy session that got me to reevaluate my reasons for choosing this and reinforcing my commitments.  Not that I had doubts, but it’s always a good thing to periodically review your motivations for getting into something and ensure the benefits are aligned with those motivations and that they still hold true for what you and your loved ones need today.

All this talk with Donna even helped lead to a moment of clarity that I didn’t see coming.  Let me just say that emotions often come with an entourage of associates, allowing their presence to go unnoticed as they influence you while hiding amongst the others.

More on that on the next post.

NEXT POST: 87.  AND THERE IT WAS

49. Revealing More

This post is a bit of a ramble and probably dry for many of you.   I want to reveal more about myself outside of DD.  It is mundane, but I wanted to give some insight that parts of my life are probably not all that different than yours.

Writing all this also reminds me how fortunate I am. I feel I generally exude an appreciation about my lot in life.  I am an upbeat person, which I hope comes across in my writing.  I find the good in life.  Typically the only attention I give to the bad is whatever time it takes to subdue it with a glance.  Okay, maybe not as easy as a glance.  Anyway, this self-reflection has helped serve as a deeper reminder of my fortune.

First, my life has been far less hectic and stressful over the last year, sans a few exceptions.  I credit several things with that, including our DD lifestyle (which began in March 2015).  But another change that was just as significant was that we put our youngest back in school last fall.  I home schooled him prior to that.

KIDS
I mentioned before our youngest has special needs.  I don’t work outside the home and as a former school counselor who considered being a teacher, I felt up to the task of home schooling.  We tried the public schools early on and despite their best efforts, they couldn’t provide what I knew I was capable of providing of him.  So we home schooled until last school year.  He started high school last year, a grade behind, and with special ed classes.  His emotional needs have decreased significantly, perhaps a combination of the 3 M’s – maturity, medication, and mom.  He still is probably three years or so younger than his peers from a maturity standpoint, and depending on the subject matter, 1-3 years behind intellectually.  While some kids with his condition actually go to college and live independently, his form and his degree of the condition will preclude that.

We felt he could possibly succeed in school so we gave it a try.  Our expectations were low and I was certain I was going to have to pull him out at some point — but the school did a great job and he thrived.  So, having him in school during the school year not only has benefited him, but it lessened a major responsibility that I had.  I was still very involved and spent a lot of time volunteering at the school, but that’s a far cry from having to home school him.

Of course, it’s been summer time which means no school.  I have a great support system in place to help out.  Mike is wonderful, and often gives me a day out on a weekend where he stays home or takes our son somewhere and I am free to relax, go shopping, or whatever.  My sister also tries to pick up our son once a month and take him on an outing.  Then we have my parents who take him for two weeks out of the summer.  All of that support helps me keep my batteries charged.  Despite his tremendous improvements over the last few years, caring for his needs requires tremendous patience, love, and attention.

As I mentioned, I stay at home.  Our middle child is away at college and was only home for a few weeks this summer as he went back for summer school.  Our oldest is on his own and doing very well for himself.   My husband, Mike, works in sales and splits time between the actual office and his home office.  He typically works from home every Friday, and it isn’t uncommon for him to go in the office in the morning, then come home for lunch and work the afternoon from home.

HUSBAND
Mike makes good money.  We aren’t wealthy, but we are comfortable.  We haven’t always been, but Mike’s worked hard and moved up within the ranks of his company to a well-paid position.  Well enough that I don’t have to work, we get all the bills paid, and have enough left over for a vacation or two each year.

Anyone who has read through my blog will see that he has grown a lot in our DD journey.  He is a kind and gentle person, and being Dominant is as contrary to what people would think of him as being Submissive is to what people would think of me.  It is interesting that our personas outside the household are very different than within the household.

Mike and I have been married 25 years now (recently had our 25^th anniversary).  He just turned 48 and I am turning 47 this month.   We knew each other in high school and actually dated on and off a couple of times in high school.  Even when we weren’t dating each other, we were good friends.

SHOPPING
Since I mentioned finances, let me talk shopping!  They are related after all.   Early in our marriage I let my compulsion for shopping get out of hand.  Over time we were able to climb out of the debt hole, and then there was still the occasional momentary lapse into a shopping spree.  I became really good at returning things.  DD has helped in that I now have to ask permission to purchase anything beyond the groceries, toiletries, and cleaning supplies.

I am the type of shopper that looks at an object and immediately experiences the potential of that object.  I don’t mean just thinks of the potential, but actually feels it emotionally.  Consider a beach towel.  I’ve got a dozen of them.  I don’t need another.  But I see a really cute one and my buying decision is not about need. It is about feeling the sound of popping the towel on a sunny beach as I spread it across the sand.  The warmth of the sand between my toes, the sound of the ocean waves gently tapping against the beach.  The feeling of relaxation with not a care in the world.  These sights, sounds, and emotions would just rush in at the sight of the towel.  I want that experience to continue and buying it will give me that experience at least a little longer.   Pre-DD I had eventually learned some coping skills to try and suppress these emotional rushes.  They were highly successful but not perfect.  DD has been fool-proof.  I simply must ask anytime I want to buy stuff.  Definitely a buzz kill.

CHORES
I’ve talked a lot about chores before and it may sound like I do everything.  I do a lot, but I am home a lot.  Mike does help out.  Mike has always been a “clean as you go” kind of person.  He still is and is not one to leave his own things laying around.  That helps, especially for someone who is a “clean it later” kind of person.  We have two laundry baskets and the rule is we do laundry as soon as they are full, whatever day that may be.  It is my duty to take care of this but there are times Mike will take it upon himself to put a load in early, even put them in the dryer, fold, and put them away, just because he could.

Cooking-wise, we typically eat out anywhere from once to twice a week.  Mike likes to cook, but it isn’t always practical with his work schedule.  He typically cooks on Saturdays, and sometimes he does so Sunday and a weekday if he gets off early.   So, I am typically cooking 3-4 times a week.

I’ve got in the habit of vacuuming and sweeping every day, so I got that covered.  Not the entire house, but at least one or two rooms every day.  The one area Mike would get an “F” if I were grading him is the bathrooms.   It’s been that way since we were first married.  Somehow that was always my domain.  Oh well, the yard work is entirely his domain!

ADULT TIME
We were fortune to find a great sitter, but she isn’t always available.  She is a college student studying education with emphasis on special-ed.  She should get credit hours for watching our son!!  While he is in high school now, he can’t be alone.   My sister is often the go-to person to watch our son.  That gives Mike and I at least one date-night a week.   We either go out on our own to dinner and movie, or sometimes go out with John and Donna, or, we go over to John and Donna’s to hang out (i.e. some very adult time).

I mentioned before that Mike and I went to a couple FetLife functions.  Since my son was injured shortly after we went to our first functions, we had to put that extra socializing on hold as we couldn’t’ expect anyone to watch him with his increased needs.  Things are finally back in order and we plan to revisit that.  We don’t have any specific expectations, other than mingle with some like-minded folks and see where the mingling takes us.

POLITICS and RELIGION
You don’t think I would seriously go there?  Talk about a major buzz kill!  Let me just say my beliefs regarding those topics are anchored deeply with my strong belief in equality, empathy, and liberty.  Therefore, it goes without saying that my politics are x and my religious beliefs are y.

ALONE TIME
I get a reasonable amount of alone time.  It is even prescribed in our DD.  Mike may actually order it from time to time.  I am not talking about punishment oriented alone time like standing in a corner or writing lines.   I mean time alone at home when Mike takes our son out, or time alone at home while Mike attends to our son and I just relax (watching tv, web surfing, reading, blogging, masturbating, or whatever).

You can tell just how much free time I have by how often I blog.  The last four or five days have been great regarding my free time, but I worked hard to get that free time!   Maybe I should have been masturbating more and blogging less?

OUR NEW DYNAMIC
If you read the last post, you’ll know we are entering a bit of a different dynamic in our Domestic Discipline.  Mike continued to be strict last night and all day today.  There are some new rules but pretty mundane stuff, mostly various household organizational stuff.  Basically, it’s all his pet peeves that I must now adopt.  I am not saying that sarcastically or in a bothersome tone.  It is just the simplest way to explain it.  We all have our pet peeves, and now he has his “pet” to address his… hee hee.   I am happy to take that on as it is part of the service and submission that I want to give.

That’s a bit more about my days. See, it isn’t all just living one punishment to the next.  Of course, that’s the more interesting stuff to read about and the more interesting stuff to write about.  Speaking of interesting stuff, I mentioned before that Mike got a waxing kit and we were going to go over to John and Donna’s and she was going to give me a Brazillian.   Well, she had some issue arise. They didn’t share the details with us but suffice to say as part of a punishment John was not allowing her to have friends over.  We’ve come to really enjoy our time with them.  Perhaps I should share more of those stories?   Maybe next time!

Thanks for sticking with this post and learning more about my daily life.

Next:  50. Five Acts of Service