203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

This is the postscript on Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.

THE MYSTERY
I’ll start with revealing the mystery behind Kayla’s response, then I’ll then share my reflections on my behavior. Then for you pervs out there I’ll wrap it up with the final part of the punishment I received. 

When Kayla shared her thoughts, she ended it with, “It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  While it was clear to me that Kayla appreciated what Mike did, I had no idea what she was referring to.  So I asked Mike and Kayla if they were willing to share what it was they talked about that made her appreciate the impromptu “suck and fuck” as we have come to jokingly calling it.

CATCHING UP WITH KAYLA AND MICHAUD
First some background to catch you up on Kayla and Michaud. (I wrote about the beginnings of their relationship in Post 186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend).  Kayla has shared her big attraction to Michaud is his laid back, accepting style.  She feels so comfortable talking with him and they see eye to eye on so many issues.  However, she has made it clear she doesn’t think of him as potentially being “the one.”  She says she doesn’t see herself considering marrying anyone until she is at least 27, if not 30.  She wants to enjoy and explore life, unencumbered.  She has shared those sentiments with Michaud.

Kayla recently told Michaud she wants to explore a “unique” relationship with him, sort of an experiment – as if their relationship wasn’t already unique enough.  Inspired by Mike and I, Kayla told Michaud she wants them to share everything — every thought, every desire, every pet peeve, every impulse, every fantasy.   Not necessarily act on them, but share those things verbally.   Even down to a quirky thing that we do in our household (when no kids are home).  She asked Michaud to accept a “no closed doors” policy.  That is, you don’t close doors to the bathroom, whether someone is showering, using the toilet, or whatever.  Basically, there is no “personal space” as all space is shared, even when using the crapper!  

Michaud was game and they implemented this “openness” about three weeks ago. What I didn’t know is that Michaud shared some things with Kayla regarding his sexual turn on’s.  Apparently he is turned on by Kayla telling him about sexual acts she performs with us.  He likes her to tell him every detail.  Kayla said it makes for great foreplay with Michaud.

Kayla also shared her sexual fantasies with Michaud, including the one about having four guys at one time.  With that in mind, Michaud told her that he wouldn’t mind “sharing her” at the same time with Mike.  Kayla told him that this wouldn’t happen, as Mike and I already told Kayla we don’t want Michaud to be part of our dynamic or play.  Nothing against him  We just don’t want to get entrenched in a relationship she has.  We believe it is good for her to explore her relationships on her own.  In addition, our dance card is pretty full and life is good.  We don’t want to complicate things.

MYSTERY UNVEILED
I was generally aware of Kayla’s “openness” experiment with Michaud, but I wasn’t aware of Michaud’s turn on regarding Kayla sharing her sexual experiences or his thoughts on sharing her with Mike.  Kayla didn’t purposely keep this information from me.  There just wasn’t an opportunity for her to bring it up to me and she isn’t compelled to tell me such details.

She told Mike about it during one of her Maintenance Sessions.  When she did that, Mike suggested that they do something specifically for Michaud’s benefit.  That way, not only would she have a juicy sexcapade to share with him, but she can let him know that Mike arranged it with him in mind.  Kayla loved the idea.  Mike simply told her that he would think about the details and let her know.   Well, apparently he thought about them and thus the now infamous “suck and fuck.”

DOUBTING MIKE’S INTENTIONS
Clearly, Mike’s action had Kayla’s support and endorsement, at least in general, if not specifically.   I felt so foolish for reacting as I did and doubting Mike’s intentions.  This is not the first time my doubts have got me into trouble.  I thought I was past having these moments of doubt.  At a minimum, I thought I was at least past ACTING on any doubts without first calmly and respectfully clarifying the situation.   Clearly I am not.

I think it was a combination of factors that led me to have that doubt. 

• It caught me by surprise.  Kayla was practically heading out the door when Mike stopped her for the blow job.  
• Kayla’s reaction didn’t seem joyful to me.  I now realize that I was reading too much into it.  Sure she didn’t jump for joy, but she often has a resolute look about her.  In hindsight I can see that her reaction was simply that of a compliant submissive.   
• I have a “mama bear” instinct about Kayla, and if I think she is unhappy or being mistreated, I react, often without additional thought. 
• Instead of assuming loving intentions, in an instant I created this false narrative in my mind.  I assumed Mike was just being a stupid alpha-male, flaunting his power and authority over Kayla as a “take that” to Michaud by in effect telling him all he can have is “sloppy seconds.”   Not only does such behavior repulse me, but using Kayla in that way also triggered “mama bear” to come out. 
• I wasn’t in a particularly deep submissive mindset.  The holidays messed with our D/s routine.  I couldn’t even do simple things like being naked around the house.  Since before Thanksgiving a lot of my energy and focus was on holiday activities and not on submission.  Not that that is wrong, as such focus is good for my kids and the family overall.  But still, it softened my submissive mindset, leaving me vulnerable to mistakes. 

Whatever the reason(s), I am more committed than ever to stay diligent and not repeat this.  Ideally I wish I never have such thoughts again, but realistically, it is not about never having those thoughts.  It is about recognizing when I have them and controlling my reaction so that it is loving, purposeful, and effective in facilitating a healthy and respectful conversation.  I know I can do that!

This issue is a big one for me as it is not something that just arose with our DD.  I have always had this problem.  Pre-DD it was a common occurrence — jumping to conclusions, feeling attacked or feeling Mike had ill intentions.  I credit Domestic Discipline with helping me towards eradicating this terrible habit.

As Mike often reminds me, “Progress, not perfection!”   

FINAL PUNISHMENT – CLOSING CEREMONY
I shared with you that my punishment was not complete.  Mike gave me until the next day to write my 100 lines, which I completed.  As in keeping with our “lines rules,” I am spanked for mistakes or sloppy lines – two spankings for each error.  Mike “grades’ me very strictly.  He counts it as a mistake if words don’t line up very closely underneath the matching word in the row above.

I was thankful to have the entire day to work on the lines, thus I didn’t have to do them in one sitting.  This was a first, but was necessary because the family interruptions that occurred throughout the day.  Thus I didn’t become as fatigued in my writing and the result was Mike only found three errors, thus six spankings.

Because our middle child hung around the house most of the day, we had to arrange to go over to John and Donna’s for me to be spanked.  They are accustomed to us using their house as a get-away when a spanking is needed.  When we use their house the spankings are always done in one of their bedrooms.  We don’t let them watch.  These are solemn occasions.  I am not allowed to make eye contact or speak with John or Donna until after our Closing Ceremony.  Mike simply asks them, “Can we use your room for moment.”  They know what that means.  Once the punishment is over, we then “turn off” punishment mode and act as if we are on a social visit.

Mike brought a small paddle with him.  Thankfully Mississippi is too big to smuggle out of the house discreetly!  I couldn’t have taken any more with that beast.  As is our protocol I immediately get undressed when I enter their house.  My bottom was very bruised from the night before and I know they saw it as I walked past them towards a bedroom.  I am sure they were like, “Wow, what did she do!?”

Once in the room Mike had me lay across his knee.  He even commented how bruised my ass was, “Wow, I’ve never seen it this bad.  I have a feeling these six are going to hurt.”
He then proceeded to lecture me as he rubbed my bruised and sore butt.  I thought I was over the extreme emotions of the events but I started to cry, even before he spanked me.
He then spanked me.  I let out a shrill on number three and dramatically increased the volume on numbers four,  five and six.   I know John and Donna could hear me. 

We then had our Closing Ceremony.  It felt so good to completely put this behind me.  Mike told me to go wash my face and get my clothes on.   He said I could take a few minutes and he left the room to go talk to John and Donna.  I composed myself, got dressed, stopped off at the bathroom to wash my face, and emerged as if nothing happened.  We talked about what each of us did to ring in the New Year (the family and festivities stuff, not the “suck and fuck” or punishment).  Then we returned home.  All is forgiven.   

I love my Domestic Discipline!

Oh, almost forgot  – I asked Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react? Did he actually get turned on by it?”   That’s for another post!

Next:  204. Returning to Submissive Headspace