208. Inspiration from Kayla

I’ve rewritten this post many times before publishing, finally getting it to a less than epic size.  Too many disjointed thoughts…maybe now it’s finally coherent.  Regardless, the process was beneficial to me as I find it therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings, even if I don’t publish them.  Maybe I’ll stop typing out every conversation in my head.  Maybe I won’t.  But then again, maybe I will.  Humm, no, maybe not.  lol.  

I do have a spanking story for you that I’ll share on another post.  Yep, Jenny got a pretty good one today.  But that story will have to wait.

I ended Post 203, asking Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react?  Did he actually get turned on by it?”

KAYLA AND MICHAUD
Kayla and Michaud have forged quite the unique relationship.  At Kayla’s urging, they committed to a “100% “Authentic” policy as she calls it.  They share with each other whatever whim they are thinking, without regards to political correctness, relationship correctness, or anything else.  A very “in the moment” way of being.  

Kayla said she was inspired by me and my incessant need to get to the root of a feeling (aw shucks).  She thought it would be interesting experiment and take some things she has learned as a submissive and try to apply them to a “normal” relationship.  Put aside the fact that Kayla and Michaud’s relationship doesn’t follow any “norms” that I am aware of.

She said the two of them are often asking the other, “Why?” or “How does that make you feel?” or, “What is it you want me to do?”  They have the habit of starting sentences with, “I feel…”  Neither one of them has ever been so transparent and straight forward in a relationship before. 

SELF CONFIDENCE SNOWBALL
Kayla told me she feels that both her and Michaud have developed a strong sense of confidence.  The confidence gives them the bravery required to reveal more and more of themselves and it feeds on itself.  The more genuine she is, the more she learns about herself.  With confidence high, she reveals more.  This new aspect isn’t rejected, fueling more confidence, more self awareness, which is again shared, and the cycle repeats.     

She also said that in learning so much about Michaud makes her see how unique he is.  She finds the increasing individuality she sees in him makes him even more attractive.  In her words, “He’s gotten sexier since we started this.” At the same time, I sense Kayla is learning a lot about herself, and Michaud is seeing this unique person emerge with her own strong individuality, making her even more attractive to Michaud.  Sounds a lot like Post 68.  To fall in love…do this.  Either that or the sex is just amazing.  Ha!  

Kayla feels all of this started a year ago when she moved in with us.  The self discoveries she made are the foundation for what she has with Michaud.  She said the joy, happiness, and clarity of her “internal monologue” has greatly improved.  She is excited to share that monologue and have it accepted in a relationship.

She knows Michaud could have rejected her from the beginning, or once she shared the news of our dynamic, or once he started experiences the implications of that dynamic, or for countless other reasons people decide not to pursue or continue a relationship.  If she had been rejected she believes it would not have been pleasant but she would not have been crushed – and prior to moving in with us, even the thought of rejection crushed her.   Her new found self confidence doesn’t make room for feeling threatened by rejection.  Of course, Michaud fully accepted her, which clearly is an affirming experience that gives her even more confidence.

And Michaud has fully accepted her.  He has not shown any behaviors I was expecting, at least not anything Kayla has shared with us.   No jealousy, no resentment, no frustration.  I think it’s because Kayla was so honest and clear up front regarding what he was getting into.  Not that he hasn’t had a few complaints.  

He told Kayla he wishes they could spend more time together.  Reasonable!  They do spend a lot of time together, but between school and family expectations, I understand why Michaud wants more.  Btw, I say “family” expectations because we feel Kayla is very much family.  Mike has eliminated a lot, but not all, of her household duties.  Kayla also sees and communicates with her mom and dad. 

Michaud also wants Kayla to spend the night with him.  Mike told Kayla from the beginning that there would be no overnights at Michauds.  Mike has indicated he might change this.  He did allow for a later curfew on New Year’s Eve and has indicated he might be willing to consider okaying an overnight or two. It may seem silly to have a curfew and these restrictions on a 23-year old.  It isn’t about age, it is about submission.  Kayla accepts and appreciates these restrictions.

JEN’S TAKE
I think this is all about authenticity.  Authenticity is highly attractive!  And being authentic requires one thing?  Here it comes again, I’ve only talked about it a bajillion times – vulnerability!  (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 and probably a bunch of others).

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you express your beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations without feeling threatened by the knowledge that some people will take exception.  You also are not threatened by your own faults, so readily admit to them.  You are not judgmental of others, because you want others to be comfortable being vulnerable, because it is where you thrive.

Kayla said it can be exhausting at times, and when it is one of them just says, “I don’t want to play right now, can we just enjoy the moment without dissecting why we are enjoying it?   They’ve both learned to respect the other when one of them reaches this point.  Sometimes there is power in quiet stillness.

JEN’S INSPIRATION
I took several things from Kayla’s example.  I have always taken pride in my self-reflection and dedicated many posts to being authentic, vulnerable, blah, blah, blah (just checking to see if you are actually reading this).  Despite that, as I shared in my last post, I still often fail at being authentic in the moment.  At times I still hold back my feelings until I felt I formulated the “correct” feeling.  By then, the moment is gone.  What is left is bottled up, repressed, unexpressed.  Thus feelings of angst, uneasiness, and anger would manifest themselves out of nowhere in controlling, passive aggressive ways.

With inspiration from Kayla, I am doubling down on my making sure I express myself.  Reminding myself to separate “thoughts” from “feelings” and to just allow myself to feel and express that feeling, without the filter of thought.  I have definitely been doing a better job of this the last three years, but still not where I want to be.  I think finally connecting with the likely “source” of my bad habit (per prior post) will help me purge it entirely – if that is even possible to undo a habit ingrained since childhood.

EXPRESSIVE SUBMISSIVE?
Being submissive doesn’t mean being passive when it comes to sharing feelings.  In my DD we have created the perfect forum for expressing myself in a constructive manner.  My DD requires me to be respectful, truthful, and forthcoming.  And when it is one of those times where the only acceptable response is, “Yes, Sir,” I still have ways to express my feelings.  In those situations I have my journal and then in a Maintenance Sessions I can share what I was feeling in the moment.

I am not required to always agree with Mike, nor am I not allowed to take exception to something he does.  But my means of disagreement or objection are structured — not to quiet them, but to give them more impact.  I’ve found that being submissive has resulted in Mike being more attentive to my needs and feelings.  

ENOUGH, WHAT DID MICHAUD SAY ON NEW YEARS EVE?
I had this all written out in sexy, lurid, and nether-region tingling detail.  But when I shared it with Kayla she thought it was weird for me to write about what she told me.  So I decided to omit the blow-by-blow, titillating details (pun intended). 
Kayla told Michaud that Mike had sex with her just before she left the house.  In what has become his habit, Michaud asked her about the details, and Kayla obliged.  Kayla then told him, “Sir did this specifically with you in mind as he wanted me to have a good sex story to tell you.  And he specifically told me not to clean up”  

Michaud got this sort of “Ewww” look to his face and then said, “So, are you a bit messy down there?”  And in keeping with their “authentic” ways Kayla said, “I think so, I kinda feel it, let’s take a look.”  And she pulled her pants and panties down to reveal some wet panties. 

At that point I think they cheated.  Michaud said, “fine, just so happens I was hoping we would have sex in the shower.”  Kayla wasn’t sure what Mike would think of this but she went along and later that evening they had shower sex.  She was pretty sure Mike was going to spank her for this but he didn’t.  Mike said it wasn’t about trying to cock-block Michaud.  It was primarily focused on giving Kayla something to think about regarding a command from him and her submissiveness to him.  Clearly it was on her mind when she was Michaud, so mission accomplished.

DON’T CALL ME SOMETHING TO SHARE (exception)
I don’t know if there will be a point where Michaud tires of “sharing” Kayla with us.  I put that in quotes because when Kayla first read this she told me she is sensitive to using the word “share” regarding time with Michaud.  She said Michaud used that word once and she told him quite sternly she is not his to be “shared.”  She may choose to split her time with other duties in life, whether it be school or anything else, but it isn’t about sharing her time with him. 

She feels the word “share” should be reserved for something like dessert, or an Uber, or some other “thing.”  Not a person.  Then she was quick to add, “or reserved for a submissive, because if Sir is wanting to share me in some way, then yes, I can be shared.”

I found this to serve as further evidence that Kayla is not looking to be submissive to Michaud.   She has always said this, but it is stories like that which show she really means it.  And of course she does, because she tell us if she felt otherwise – her authenticity demands it!

P.S. I discovered I left Kayla off my updates I did to my ABOUT section.  Shame on me.  I wrote it out but forgot to cut and paste it into the post.  I will get on that now!  Sorry, Kayla!

NEXT: 209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

This is the postscript on Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.

THE MYSTERY
I’ll start with revealing the mystery behind Kayla’s response, then I’ll then share my reflections on my behavior. Then for you pervs out there I’ll wrap it up with the final part of the punishment I received. 

When Kayla shared her thoughts, she ended it with, “It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  While it was clear to me that Kayla appreciated what Mike did, I had no idea what she was referring to.  So I asked Mike and Kayla if they were willing to share what it was they talked about that made her appreciate the impromptu “suck and fuck” as we have come to jokingly calling it.

CATCHING UP WITH KAYLA AND MICHAUD
First some background to catch you up on Kayla and Michaud. (I wrote about the beginnings of their relationship in Post 186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend).  Kayla has shared her big attraction to Michaud is his laid back, accepting style.  She feels so comfortable talking with him and they see eye to eye on so many issues.  However, she has made it clear she doesn’t think of him as potentially being “the one.”  She says she doesn’t see herself considering marrying anyone until she is at least 27, if not 30.  She wants to enjoy and explore life, unencumbered.  She has shared those sentiments with Michaud.

Kayla recently told Michaud she wants to explore a “unique” relationship with him, sort of an experiment – as if their relationship wasn’t already unique enough.  Inspired by Mike and I, Kayla told Michaud she wants them to share everything — every thought, every desire, every pet peeve, every impulse, every fantasy.   Not necessarily act on them, but share those things verbally.   Even down to a quirky thing that we do in our household (when no kids are home).  She asked Michaud to accept a “no closed doors” policy.  That is, you don’t close doors to the bathroom, whether someone is showering, using the toilet, or whatever.  Basically, there is no “personal space” as all space is shared, even when using the crapper!  

Michaud was game and they implemented this “openness” about three weeks ago. What I didn’t know is that Michaud shared some things with Kayla regarding his sexual turn on’s.  Apparently he is turned on by Kayla telling him about sexual acts she performs with us.  He likes her to tell him every detail.  Kayla said it makes for great foreplay with Michaud.

Kayla also shared her sexual fantasies with Michaud, including the one about having four guys at one time.  With that in mind, Michaud told her that he wouldn’t mind “sharing her” at the same time with Mike.  Kayla told him that this wouldn’t happen, as Mike and I already told Kayla we don’t want Michaud to be part of our dynamic or play.  Nothing against him  We just don’t want to get entrenched in a relationship she has.  We believe it is good for her to explore her relationships on her own.  In addition, our dance card is pretty full and life is good.  We don’t want to complicate things.

MYSTERY UNVEILED
I was generally aware of Kayla’s “openness” experiment with Michaud, but I wasn’t aware of Michaud’s turn on regarding Kayla sharing her sexual experiences or his thoughts on sharing her with Mike.  Kayla didn’t purposely keep this information from me.  There just wasn’t an opportunity for her to bring it up to me and she isn’t compelled to tell me such details.

She told Mike about it during one of her Maintenance Sessions.  When she did that, Mike suggested that they do something specifically for Michaud’s benefit.  That way, not only would she have a juicy sexcapade to share with him, but she can let him know that Mike arranged it with him in mind.  Kayla loved the idea.  Mike simply told her that he would think about the details and let her know.   Well, apparently he thought about them and thus the now infamous “suck and fuck.”

DOUBTING MIKE’S INTENTIONS
Clearly, Mike’s action had Kayla’s support and endorsement, at least in general, if not specifically.   I felt so foolish for reacting as I did and doubting Mike’s intentions.  This is not the first time my doubts have got me into trouble.  I thought I was past having these moments of doubt.  At a minimum, I thought I was at least past ACTING on any doubts without first calmly and respectfully clarifying the situation.   Clearly I am not.

I think it was a combination of factors that led me to have that doubt. 

• It caught me by surprise.  Kayla was practically heading out the door when Mike stopped her for the blow job.  
• Kayla’s reaction didn’t seem joyful to me.  I now realize that I was reading too much into it.  Sure she didn’t jump for joy, but she often has a resolute look about her.  In hindsight I can see that her reaction was simply that of a compliant submissive.   
• I have a “mama bear” instinct about Kayla, and if I think she is unhappy or being mistreated, I react, often without additional thought. 
• Instead of assuming loving intentions, in an instant I created this false narrative in my mind.  I assumed Mike was just being a stupid alpha-male, flaunting his power and authority over Kayla as a “take that” to Michaud by in effect telling him all he can have is “sloppy seconds.”   Not only does such behavior repulse me, but using Kayla in that way also triggered “mama bear” to come out. 
• I wasn’t in a particularly deep submissive mindset.  The holidays messed with our D/s routine.  I couldn’t even do simple things like being naked around the house.  Since before Thanksgiving a lot of my energy and focus was on holiday activities and not on submission.  Not that that is wrong, as such focus is good for my kids and the family overall.  But still, it softened my submissive mindset, leaving me vulnerable to mistakes. 

Whatever the reason(s), I am more committed than ever to stay diligent and not repeat this.  Ideally I wish I never have such thoughts again, but realistically, it is not about never having those thoughts.  It is about recognizing when I have them and controlling my reaction so that it is loving, purposeful, and effective in facilitating a healthy and respectful conversation.  I know I can do that!

This issue is a big one for me as it is not something that just arose with our DD.  I have always had this problem.  Pre-DD it was a common occurrence — jumping to conclusions, feeling attacked or feeling Mike had ill intentions.  I credit Domestic Discipline with helping me towards eradicating this terrible habit.

As Mike often reminds me, “Progress, not perfection!”   

FINAL PUNISHMENT – CLOSING CEREMONY
I shared with you that my punishment was not complete.  Mike gave me until the next day to write my 100 lines, which I completed.  As in keeping with our “lines rules,” I am spanked for mistakes or sloppy lines – two spankings for each error.  Mike “grades’ me very strictly.  He counts it as a mistake if words don’t line up very closely underneath the matching word in the row above.

I was thankful to have the entire day to work on the lines, thus I didn’t have to do them in one sitting.  This was a first, but was necessary because the family interruptions that occurred throughout the day.  Thus I didn’t become as fatigued in my writing and the result was Mike only found three errors, thus six spankings.

Because our middle child hung around the house most of the day, we had to arrange to go over to John and Donna’s for me to be spanked.  They are accustomed to us using their house as a get-away when a spanking is needed.  When we use their house the spankings are always done in one of their bedrooms.  We don’t let them watch.  These are solemn occasions.  I am not allowed to make eye contact or speak with John or Donna until after our Closing Ceremony.  Mike simply asks them, “Can we use your room for moment.”  They know what that means.  Once the punishment is over, we then “turn off” punishment mode and act as if we are on a social visit.

Mike brought a small paddle with him.  Thankfully Mississippi is too big to smuggle out of the house discreetly!  I couldn’t have taken any more with that beast.  As is our protocol I immediately get undressed when I enter their house.  My bottom was very bruised from the night before and I know they saw it as I walked past them towards a bedroom.  I am sure they were like, “Wow, what did she do!?”

Once in the room Mike had me lay across his knee.  He even commented how bruised my ass was, “Wow, I’ve never seen it this bad.  I have a feeling these six are going to hurt.”
He then proceeded to lecture me as he rubbed my bruised and sore butt.  I thought I was over the extreme emotions of the events but I started to cry, even before he spanked me.
He then spanked me.  I let out a shrill on number three and dramatically increased the volume on numbers four,  five and six.   I know John and Donna could hear me. 

We then had our Closing Ceremony.  It felt so good to completely put this behind me.  Mike told me to go wash my face and get my clothes on.   He said I could take a few minutes and he left the room to go talk to John and Donna.  I composed myself, got dressed, stopped off at the bathroom to wash my face, and emerged as if nothing happened.  We talked about what each of us did to ring in the New Year (the family and festivities stuff, not the “suck and fuck” or punishment).  Then we returned home.  All is forgiven.   

I love my Domestic Discipline!

Oh, almost forgot  – I asked Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react? Did he actually get turned on by it?”   That’s for another post!

Next:  204. Returning to Submissive Headspace