In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess. I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit. I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts. Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective. I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey. From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow. The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike. In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship. And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability. Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues. Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike. Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.
In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at. And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.
Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU. Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes. Share EVERYTHING about your body. Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you. Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable. It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding. As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.
VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable. I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going. Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.
I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom. I am not so sure. In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s. In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive. Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me. While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try. I went into it eagerly and with gusto. Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes. So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.
Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable. Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way. But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands. Especially when those demands have to do with sex.
Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes. At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do. Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy. I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far. Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.
Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows. He is bolder and more authoritarian. His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before. He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually. And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).
Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before. In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.” He communicates more clearly regarding expectations. Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.
You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?” Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee). But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.
Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day. He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug. Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him. He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.
Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love. I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual. And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.
I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine. It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.
NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.
13 thoughts on “129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?”
Excellent points and post.
I find the link between work and home interesting, so I’m going to take a tangent here.
You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?” = Brown nosing. Been in plenty of workplaces where the common theme is “How did he/she get that position?” Well, it comes from being submissive to the boss(es) and licking and sucking up to get the job. It’s not a healthy situation for anyone, but a reality I have witnessed all too often. This leads to people in leadership positions that shouldn’t be there, and who use fear and intimidation to force false submission.
“It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.” Respect is the most difficult thing to both give and earn, not only in a personal relationship, but in the workplace. The entire concept of employment by others is a type of D/s relationship. The boss gives the orders, and the employees are expected to obey. Without respect, those orders are often ignored, sabotaged or otherwise mangled so that the boss looks bad. It’s not surprising that Mike has become more dominant at work based on his home life.
The idea of love in the workplace should not be confused with romantic love: [See below] but with the concept of affection towards co-workers and even bosses. A platonic friendship must include love and respect to have any chance of being real.
Although there are many parallels between D/D and D/s at home, and the corporate management tree, the sexual aspect gets all tangled up with power and authority. It doesn’t take much thought to recall sexual scandals in the workplace, at church, in schools and in politics, to realize that respect and love can be quickly corrupted by stupidity and cruelty.
Which leads into the last observation: Vulnerability. In the workplace, the employee has no power, except to quit if the boss is an asshole. Unlike D/s however, it’s easier to find another job, than another Dom or life partner. People write all the time about abusive Doms, but rarely complain about abusive bosses. Why? Because employees are vulnerable. HR either doesn’t care, or does not have the power to enforce harassment laws. It’s safer to accept a paycheck, than hope for a favorable court judgement. For those not in a D/s relationship, the submissive may seem to powerless, but anyone reading this blog, or many others, quickly realizes that it is not the case.
The transition from hard-shelled, numb employee, to open vulnerable submissive, is a junction fraught with danger. I feel many D/s relationships founder on this very shoal for the lack of love and respect for the process of communicating in an honest and vulnerable manner.
Thanks, Jen, for letting me ramble a bit.
Wow. Fantastic analogy. The best bosses and employers are those that are great at communication – both giving and receiving . And I laughed out loud when I read “brown nosing.” I referenced the literal act of brown nosing and didn’t even realize it! Still laughing. Thanks!
I’m not sure I totally agree with your last statement about love and respect but I do know that fear coming from being totally honest and putting things out there for your partner to react to. ThT vulnerability is scary. Still every time you do this and are affirmed by your partner life gets a little bit better! This is what has happened in my relationship and what bad happened with you. Really it doesn’t get any better!
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Thank you, yes, I agree, doesn’t get any better. I know any generalization is at best, imperfect, and at worst, unfair, but the axiom fit my observations about why Dominance was so fulfilling for Mike. Thanks again. Vulnerability is scary, and awesome!
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You have an insight to the (often suppressed) vulnerability that Doms have because their role requires a level of “confidence”…even if they don’t feel it.
I also admire your ability to coax Mike into the dominant role and how he has responded well to it. In this respect, it shows how the sub really sets the framework for the DD (and many other D/s) relationships despite the admonition of “topping from the bottom”.
I commend you for having thought this out so well. It’s easy to get lost in a subject with so many nuances.
Your best observation is that women prefer love and men, respect!
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Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
Are subs more vulnerable than Doms? This post points out Doms can also be vulnerable
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