In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess. I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit. I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts. Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective. I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey. From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow. The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike. In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship. And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability. Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues. Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike. Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.
In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at. And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.
Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU. Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes. Share EVERYTHING about your body. Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you. Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable. It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding. As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.
VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable. I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going. Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.
I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom. I am not so sure. In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s. In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive. Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me. While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try. I went into it eagerly and with gusto. Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes. So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.
Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable. Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way. But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands. Especially when those demands have to do with sex.
Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes. At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do. Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy. I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far. Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.
Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows. He is bolder and more authoritarian. His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before. He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually. And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).
Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before. In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.” He communicates more clearly regarding expectations. Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.
You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?” Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee). But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.
Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day. He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug. Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him. He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.
Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love. I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual. And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.
I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine. It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.