297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS. 

 In their minds, submission is

• degrading
• unfair
• unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

120. Is this submissive a feminist? (MAGA rant)

I mentioned that I revealed my Domestic Discipline lifestyle to my sisters. (Post 116. Revealing DD to my Sisters).  In further discussions, one of my sisters stated, “I thought you were a feminist, I guess not!”

I found this interesting on a two of levels.  One, I never identified as a feminist before, so why did she assume I did?  The other is that my thoughts on the equality of women are mutually exclusive from the choices I make for myself. 

My response
Just know my rants are not limited to my blog.  Nope.  I rant in real life and my sister’s statement got me on roll of a rant.  

I told her that I never thought of myself as a feminist, but also never disagreed with the basic premise of feminism.  I boil it down to simply the difference between right and wrong, just and unjust.  

I always feel I stood up against ideas that promote social inequality.  The empowerment of women is part of that, but no more or less important to me than the empowerment of all individuals.  None of us should have any human rights arbitrarily restricted from us because of age, gender, race, religion, economic status, sexual preference, sexual identity, kinks, etc.  And I also believe that those categories should not have the right to arbitrarily restrict the rights of those in any other category.  

I explained to sis that I have made decisions about how to live my life that are contrary to the meaning of empowerment.  I do so knowingly and willingly and for me, it is immensely rewarding and fulfilling in ways I have shared many times.  However, my decisions are about my role within our household.  I serve Mike, I submit to Mike, but I do not serve mankind and do not feel submissive toward anyone else.  

INVESTED IN HATE
I recognize that people are heavily invested in their discrimination – so much so that they are blind to its’ harm.   And let’s just call discrimination what it often is – hate!   People become so invested in their hate that they believe it is justified.  Their investment typically comes from being indoctrinated from birth…”My parents thought that way,”  “My community thought that way,” “My schools, religion, country, ancestors, etc., thought that way.”  “I taught my children to think that way.”   Yep, pretty invested.

Furthering that investment is the fact they join social circles, churches, or other organizations that resonate the same messages regarding their hate.  And even further, they only watch “news” organizations that do the same.  Yep, people get heavily invested in their hate. 

And they are so invested in their discrimination that it is not sufficient for them to just accept that their beliefs are right for them.  No, they are so insecure about the validity of their thinking that they do all they can do impose their thinking on others.  If they truly felt their way of thinking was so “right” and so “self-evident,” then why not allow that thinking to be scrutinized?  If they are correct, then that scrutiny would only lead to more people thinking as they do.  

Of course the thought of even entertaining scrutiny is very painful for them because they are so heavily invested.  “You are saying my parents were wrong?”  “You are saying my culture is wrong?”  “You are saying my religion is wrong?”  You are saying my political affiliation is wrong?”   They are so invested that they don’t allow themselves to ever question such things, so how could they possibly entertain questions from others?   To question is to doubt, and that doubt is just too painful to consider.  Hate is just easier.

And to go a step further, that “hate” is not always directed at others.  Sometimes it is directed at yourself, but we call that type of hate, “guilt.”  These same organizations that I previously mentioned are great at trying to instill guilt as a way to control. 

All of this is why, over the years, a democratic government tries to force people to not discriminate – to not hate!   By and large it works, as more people are exposed to other thinking, the “others” become more humanized to them.  Unfortunately, as more people divest themselves from the hate, the remaining haters have become even more desperate to cling on to their dehumanizing thinking.  They tend to wrap that thinking in their faith and in the flag.  Thus the current political environment in the U.S.   A decreasing population of “haters” who are ever more desperate to cling on to hate, to the point they will undermine democratic mechanisms to do so (voter suppression, gerrymandering, voter fraud/hacking, bribes, etc). 

POLITICAL HISTORY – DUMB SOUTHERNERS 
A political history side note – interesting that until the mid-1960’s, the U.S. political party that was socially progressive was the Republican party.  Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, etc.

 If you look at the social platform of the Republican party of the 1950’s, you’d swear you were looking at the Democratic platform from the 80’s through today.  Nixon converted the racist Dixiecrats to the GOP as those southern democrats were alienated by Kennedy’s progressive social stances, thus hate found a new home.  

What didn’t change was that the South continued to vote against its own self-interest.  Which is why the South has the highest divorce, murder, STD/HIV/Aids, teen pregnancy, single parent homes, infant mortality, and obesity rates, while having the poorest health care and lowest rates of high school graduation.  And don’t think it is the minorities.  The food stamp capital of the U.S. is white (Owsley County, Kentucky).  Oh, but all of this happens to be the “bible belt” so, at least they believe in the right God and at least they are focused on keeping trans kids in the “right” bathrooms.       

FEMINIST  HUMANIST
So, sis, no, I don’t specifically identify as a feminist, I identify as a humanist.  And of course that includes women, and I believe that gender should not grant someone special privilege, nor relegate someone to a lesser status in life.  

For me, I look at the choices adults get to make about their lives and if their decisions don’t restrict other people’s freedom, then fine by me.  While I have biases (we all do) I try to challenge them (when I recognize them).  And while I have a variety of personal beliefs that I promote (such as what DD has done for me), I am in a continued mode of self-reflection and inquiry.  This is all in attempt to ensure an honesty about my choices.  I welcome questions and doubts and concerns from others.

I also try to divest myself of negative stereotypes that my upbringing reinforced in me and that society continues to reinforce.  I think of it more like the color I choose to paint my house (it’s called Carriage House).  I like it, it works for me and my situation (works well with the bricks).  But I don’t expect other’s to choose it for themselves and I don’t feel offended if they don’t like my choice. I accept that just so long as they don’t act in a way to restrict my choice (homeowner association bylaws excluded, but hey, I made a choice to abide by those bylaws).  Unfortunately, in this analogy, there are too many people who, at best, want to keep someone down because of their choices, and at worst, want to kill those people because of their choices.      

And sis, while I have found beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in submitting to Mike, I have no expectations that others will embrace this lifestyle for themselves.  And while I find that same beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in my sexual explorations, again, I have no expectations that others would find the same.

I am proud and excited to say, “I can’t do that without checking with my husband.”  I am not okay with me or anyone saying, “You can’t do that without checking with your husband.”  So, sis, in simple terms, yes, I am a feminist, but I believe I am much more than that. 

Sis:  “Wow, Jenny, that was intense.  So, tell me, what do you feel about Trump?”

We laughed.  The truth is, I probably would not have gone on such a rant if not for our so-called President. 

The fact that hate has been validated and empowered requires us to resist, expose, fight, ridicule, deny, and extinguish it at every opportunity.  

Such as my opportunity to state in a long-ass rant when my sister asked me a simple question. 

NEXT: 121.  20 Questions from Sis

26. Submission = Transparency = Love

Where am I today with my DD?  No, this isn’t going to be about the latest punishment.  This one is going to be more the emotional touchy-feeling part of DD.  It’s my favorite part to share, but probably the least fun to read about.  So, “no pull-down your pants and bend over” stories today, but I hope you find it enlightening and thought provoking.

I am sure of me.
Technically I am a relatively newbie to DD, having started this lifestyle 14 months ago in March 2015.   However, I already feel like a veteran.  I have received far greater personal satisfaction from DD than I ever imaged.  I am at peace with myself, my thoughts, my aspirations, and my desires.  I am “sure” of myself.

I am sure of Mike.
My relationship with Mike is almost indescribable.  I can describe it, but it would likely sound like a fairy tale, almost delusional.  But the fact is, we are closer than ever.  We absolutely share everything and do so without judgement and with full acceptance.  The most succinct way I can possibly describe it is that we are sure of each other.  Sure of our intentions, sure of our love, and sure of respect.  This sureness translates into a oneness that again is hard for me to put into words.  I again refer back to the U2 lyric that goes, “We are one, but not the same.”   That’s Mike and I.

Path to Oneness:  Transparency, not Surrender
No question, we could have not have reached this point or have moved there so quickly if it wasn’t for DD. I often think about why that is.  I believe in order to get to complete oneness, someone in the couple must surrender themselves to the other.  To me, surrender is not about enslavement, it is about revealing oneself, it is about transparency.

A full and complete surrender breaks down every emotional wall that stands between you and your partner.  All sense of shame, embarrassment, and self will vanish.  Even though technically you are the submissive one, if you have the right partner they too surrender parts of themselves to you.  Once the “full reveal” is complete, both parties will have achieved total transparency with themselves and with each other.  They can now see, feel, touch, and explore both themselves and the other like never before.  This creates the self-actualization within both individuals, and leads to the oneness with each other.

Is DD the only way?
Of course not.  But it was the way for me.  For me, I can’t imagine getting to the level of surrender that would lead to complete transparency in any way other than DD.  If you can find some other way that works for you, go for it – but I encourage you to find that way, because complete transparency is truly amazing!

Why must one first surrender to the other?
I lack any research and can only surmise that it is much like a “you go first” mentality that humans have about revealing themselves.  Absent something dramatic, “the reveal” can take many years of incrementally sharing more of yourself with your partner.  I believe most of us go through life without ever fully revealing to our partner our thoughts, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, compulsions, hang-ups, kinks, etc.  And I don’t mean just hinting around those things, but actually clearly and consistently sharing those things.   It is just too uncomfortable, even with a life-long partner.

Once one person fully surrenders, something magical happens that causes the other to surrender as well. Each person becomes “sure” of themselves, and in turn, becomes “sure” of each other.  While technically only one person has “surrendered” and is the submissive, both people have given of themselves to achieve total transparency in the relationship.

Thinking about that is so sad to me now.  I think of all the years that I wasn’t 100% present to Mike, and that he wasn’t 100% present to me.  In the past I would have told you our relationship was great.  I was oblivious to what “great” really meant.  Frankly, I didn’t realize this level of greatness existed.  I didn’t understand transparency.  Thanks to DD, I do now.   Submission equals transparency equals love.
Next – 27 Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

 

16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies.

I was asked what’s been the most difficult part of my DD lifestyle.  It’s being able to be discreet with a child in the home – DD isn’t always convenient.  We’ve found ways to accomplish a Reward Ceremony when our son is home and awake, but it’s tough.

Other than that, the hardest thing had to do with my “sex clause.”  In case you haven’t read my contract (please do), there is a clause that requires me to share my “sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, or fantasies.”  This was only added to our contract last October, so it is still fairly new.

I found that it initially was the most difficult part of our contract, but it is getting a lot easier.  It has been incredibly rewarding and Mike has reciprocated.  I think having such frank and honest discussions about myself made him comfortable to share the same with me.  But starting that conversation was very very uncomfortable, even after almost 25 years of marriage, we have never talked so frankly about sex.  It’s funny because it is now getting to the point that when we share, the other person is like, “yeah, yeah, whatever.”  We’ve come to understand that when it comes to what’s in our minds, we can all be sick as fuck and that is normal.

Couples Therapy Anyone?
Here’s some “couples therapy” to try if you want to have some amazing conversations with your partner. It’s only for couples who unconditionally trust in their love for their partner, and in their partner’s love for them.
– – – – If you’re insecure, then do not try this at home! – – – –

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Not only share them in that discussion, but do so each time you had such a thought, dream, desire, or fantasy.  That is what Mike and I do!

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. So step one for us was to agree on what the definitions where.

This is what we came up with for our definitions — any comments?   

What is a Sexual Thought?
Any idea that pops in my head about anything sexual and that idea is fairly short lived is a sexual thought.  Some examples include

• We are having sex and I have this thought of, “oh, I hope he goes there.”
• I see someone sexually attractive and think, “I wonder what they’d be like in bed.”
• Something brushes against my nipple and I think, “oh, that was kinda’ nice.”
• It is in and out of my head fairly quickly. My mind moves on to other things.

What is a Sexual Dream?
A dream are those things you have when you are asleep.  They are not those things you aspire or wish for, as we called those Desires.  So, it’s simply sharing our sex dreams. These can get crazy and include all sorts of weirdness and physically impossible sex acts.

What is a Sexual Desire?
These are the things we aspire to do, where we have strong feelings of wanting or wishing for.  The amazing thing about sharing these with your partner are that you can actually then do a lot of those things together.  The worst thing is that you find they just aren’t into even wanting to try that. Yes, that just sucks, and not in a good way.  Once you both share enough of your desires, you start to lose your concerns about shocking the other person or feeling embarrassed.  Believe me, after almost 25 years of marriage and a lot of desires already acted out, our remaining desires were pretty shocking and embarrassing.  Of course, then there are the desires that the other person can’t immediately fulfill for various reasons of which I’ll let your imagination determine.  But even if you can’t fulfill those things with your partner, you can still talk about whether or not you both agree on pursuing that fulfillment.   Here are some examples using the same situations from Sexual Thoughts:

• We are having sex and I tell him, “Please go there.”
• I see someone attractive and tell Mike, “I must take them to bed.” (Not saying this has happened, but not saying it hasn’t).
• Something brushes against my nipple and I immediately want my nipple clamps.
• It is in my head every time I think about what I want to do sexually.

What is Sexual Fantasy?
Ah! The things we fantasize about but wouldn’t actually want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.  I added the “for now” because sometimes a fantasy turns into a desire.  For us, this exercise of sharing caused us to be so open and comfortable to sexually explore together, we both moved some things from the fantasy box to the desire box (and the “did that” box, giggle giggle).  But mostly, the fantasies stayed fantasies.  Again, using the same situations as before, the fantasy would look more like this

• We are having sex and my mind visualizes Mike’s cock going into both my ass and pussy at the same time.
• There is a group of friends of ours that I think about having an orgy with.
• Something brushes against my nipple and my mind envisions that it turns into lips and suckles me, then makes it way down to eat me until I cum.
• It is a recurring theme or even one time theme in my head when I want to escape in sexual thoughts or need something “more” to get myself turned on.

The fantasies are definitely the most fun and outrageous while also potentially the scariest to share.  Again, you must have complete confidence and trust in your love for each other with no hints of insecurity, else sharing these will cause distrust and jealously.

What did we share?
Of the fantasies I shared with Mike, probably the most shocking to him was the group sex/orgy fantasy with men and women that included Mike in the mix. Also there was the “stranger in the night” fantasy as I call it where I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  He also was pretty shocked at some of the humiliation type fantasies I have.   Mike asked me if I had any rape fantasies.  I would say the answer is no, but some similar elements.  For me that fantasy is more about being dominated with permission, and the dominant then won’t stop when I want them to.  They aren’t hurting me badly, but I definitely want them to stop and they won’t.  Oh, and that dominate can be male or female depending on my mood.

Of the fantasies that Mike shared with me, some of the more shocking ones were that his fantasies often involved me, either lots of people watching me or having sex with me.  He also had some pretty far out humiliation/submissive type fantasies.  By far the most shocking to me was the sharing me with a bunch of guy, like five or six at a time.

We did find one fantasy in common and that is I often fantasize about being the “center of attention” (COA).  Groups of people watching me masturbate or have sex.  Mike said he also fantasized about me being the COA.  So, if we both have the same fantasy does that mean we act on it?  Of course not, at least, not necessarily or not completely.   Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

One-time deal?
Sharing is not a one time proposition.  The fantasies don’t change that much but thoughts, dreams, and desires do.  Plus, all of them can recur over and over again.  We’ve got to a nighttime routine where we share our sexual thoughts of the day.   It can be comical and fun at times.  It means Mike may tell me about where his mind went at work because someone wore a low-cut blouse that day, or I may tell him I had visions of dick while I had a banana that day.

Our DD lifestyle has opened us up in so many ways, and sexually is one of those ways.  We have sex just about every night, and a good number are marathon sessions.  We’ve found we have to go to bed earlier so that we can still get a good night’s rest.  After all, one of my self-care requirements is that I get good rest.  I’ll joke with him that we both need to cum quick else he will have to spank me for staying up too late.   Hum….maybe if he did the latter, we could accomplish the former?

That leads me this…. Is spanking a part of sex for us?  Prior to DD, no, not really.  Some light spanking sometimes when we did doggy, but that’s it.   Now, we actually both spank each other.  Not the “bend over for a spanking” spanking, but the slapping of the ass as we fuck…and sometimes some very hard slapping.  While the “bend over” type spankings are reserved for Transgressions, overall our sex is more physical.  He slaps my breasts and pussy harder than before, and I slap his cock harder than before.  We also use a lot more toys than before and I almost always wear the nipple clamps during sex.   Overall there is more physical “pounding” of our bodies and at the same time a lot more “play” that isn’t just penetration.

Okay, I thought maybe I could distract you with changing the subject.  I know what you’ve been wanting to ask since about half way through this post.  “So, Jennifer, what things went from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box to the “did that” box?  

That will have to be for another post!
Next – 17. Short Post

13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”

In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD.  I have now done that. Now what?

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I  plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.

MY STYLE?
Not sure.  Blogging may bring out a different side of me.  I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way.  Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that.  If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.

So, instead of,  “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”

I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.   

I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.

DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?

Yes and no.  I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog.  We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.

I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations.  So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later.  Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information.  Mike did agree I could use our real first names.  Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already.  Perhaps that is story #2?).

Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so.  I can’t wait to hear his comments.

Next – 14. Year One Reflections, the Good, the Bad, and the growing Sexual Subtext

11. Basic Structure of the Contract

Our contract had these sections:
1. Purpose.
2. Definitions.
3. Term and Renegotiation.
4. Duties and Obligations.
5. Rewards.
6. Maintenance Sessions.
7. Journal Requirements.

Purpose
We started the agreement with a preamble that clearly stated what we both were looking to get out of this.   Basically stated our intent to create a caring, consensual, fair structure of rules and responsibilities that would positively impact our life and relationship by reinforcing our commitments to one another, thereby deepening our intimacy, respect, and love.

Definitions
We took time to define a few terms so that it was clear those terms would have the same meaning and impact to both of us.

Term and Renegotiation
This addressed how long the contract was good for and how we would renegotiate the contract at a specified time.

Duties and Obligations
This is where we state the behaviors I was agreeing to.  We then created rules around the 3D’s:  Dishonesty, Disrespect, and Danger, but reworded them in the positive of Honesty, Respect, and Safety.
We wanted to keep the rules simple. We knew we couldn’t be referring back to the contract every time something happened to see if I broke a rule or what the punishment should be.  But we also needed to be on the same page regarding what actions had consequences and what those consequences would be.  I believe we found a balance but we probably ended up with a little longer contract than we intended.  What we found was that as we “lived” the contract, it became easier to identify actions and consequences without having to refer to the contract.  Also, regardless how short or long the contract is, it should not be used as an arbiter.  My husband is the only arbiter.  He is the judge and the jury.  The contract only helps provide him guidance on the appropriate sentence but he is still free to deliver any punishment he deems necessary and I must accept it.  You’ll see that we did provide some checks and balances through the Maintenance Sessions that would give me an opportunity to seek clarification if I felt a prior punishment exceeded the contractual terms.

So here is how we tackled each of the Duties and Obligations:

• Honesty.   This one was interesting for us, as I feel I have always been honest with my husband.  I don’t know that I ever lied to him.  So I felt this was sort of a give-away.   He was ready to just accept the rule as being I could not lie and leave it at that, but this did not feel challenging to me and I felt I needed to be challenged if I were to be the person I wanted to be.  He agreed on this definition:  Dishonesty included not only telling a lie, but also withholding the truth or embellishing the truth.  It was my duty to keep him informed of anything that should be important to him, but also not bother him with petty details.  This included self-reporting of Transgressions.  Turns out that Honesty would become the first transgression I committed, but that is for sharing at another time
• Obedience.  This one was tough for us, because it is the broadest.  Is it simply, “not listening to Mike?” While we knew that was an element of it, it seemed incomplete. What ultimately helped us define this one is when Mike suggested it was about my obedience to achieving the goals I set out for myself.  From there, the terms became crystal clear and would address any actions that moved me away from my goals.
• Safety.    This one was pretty simple for us.  It included my activities that may pose a danger for me or others.   Things like speeding, texting while driving, leaving trip hazards on the floor.  Funny, but of all the duties and obligations, I thought this one would be the toughest for me to accept a punishment.  Really? I would be spanked for leaving my shoes in the middle of the floor?  So be it.

Rewards.
We ended up calling the punishments “Rewards” and the act of receiving the punishments was the “Reward Ceremony.”  Also, my infractions would be called “Transgressions.”  We established a procedure for receiving a reward and agreed upon the overall framework of tying certain transgressions to certain rewards.   Again, it was important to state that ultimately Mike had full discretion in giving a reward.  We would go back to the contract when a reward was needed as it may not always be timely or possible, but the contract would serve as a reference and we would use our Maintenance Sessions to help ensure consistency.

Maintenance Sessions.
I explained our approach to Maintenance Sessions in the prior post, so won’t repeat it here.  Suffice to say I set up a fairly detailed process that took us some time to learn as I used this as one of the “controls” in the contract.  As I explained in a prior post, it allowed for the opportunity for me to clarify certain things that occurred during the week.

Journal Requirements.
I am required to journal daily and I have to hand write the journal. We agreed on the things I would write about and that I would share the journal with Mike.  Journaling is great for self-reflection and hand-writing it causes you to write more in the moment, no editing.

So that’s it. The only thing left to show you is our contract. That’s coming next.

NEXT – 12. The Contract

10. My Approach to Our DD Contract

This is going to be a lengthy post as there are so many important points to share about creating a DD contract with your husband.   Not every couple actually creates a contract, but I believe most do.  I can’t imagine not having one.

The exercise of writing the contract was cathartic.   We had to reveal very personal thoughts and feelings and talk about things we never talked about in 20+ years of marriage and couples would never have reason to talk about absent putting together a DD contract. I wonder if putting together a DD contract would be good couples therapy, even if you never planned on going through with it?

Oh, remember when I said my life changed on March 17, 2015.  That was the date of our initial contract.  (Renegotiation is something I’ll explain in a bit). We made some changes at the 30 day mark.  We made our second contract good for six months and then our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We are more confident and comfortable in what we are doing and thrilled with the results.  It is that confidence and the success we’ve had that led me to decide to blog about my experience.

Tips to writing the contract:  I will share an overview of our approach and what we learned, and then I will share our actual contract with you on my next post.

I describe the authorship of our contract as somewhat collaborative, but I had the lead.  I know some DD relationships are based on the man setting the rules.  That wasn’t happening here.  This was about me surrendering myself to him, but it was a surrender on my terms.  It was a gift I was giving him, and I got to pick out the gift – with some suggestions from him.  Note some DD relationships explicitly say the woman is not giving a gift, as it is not hers to give, but is for her husband to take.  That’s not our version of DD.

Don’t overwrite:  At first we found ourselves putting in too many details.  You need to resist this as ultimately a DD contract is one of utmost trust in your partner and one of you submitting yourself to them.  If you water it down by trying to precisely prescribe every action, you take away power from your partner and are basically saying you do not trust them.  In addition, too many rules make the contract hard to follow and enforce, and will just bring frustration.

Think of the contract as a place to set basic expectations, and to refer back to for clarification of each other’s intent, but never to be used as a rule book to decide what action will be taken.  I was clear with Mike that I wanted him to take the action he deems appropriate and then we can refer back to the contract later if there are questions as to whether that action was in the spirit of the contract.  Doing so ensures that we ultimately stay consistent with what I intended while both not interfering with the power I am giving him and not causing a delay in punishments.  We concluded it was better to receive a punishment that ultimately is agreed to be outside my intent than to have had the punishment delayed because you had to find and interpret the contract.   Lastly, as we have now renegotiated our contract for the third time, there have been clarifications that we added to address ambiguities that arose that either I or Mike felt necessary to clarify and codify.  That’s another reason it is good to put a term limit on your contract.  I’ll talk more about our renegotiation process later.

Words are Power
I highly recommend taking time to talk about the meaning of the words you use in the contract.  I took our contract seriously and once signed there was no going back.  I wanted to be fully committed to seeing it through and living with the consequences.

It is important to ask your partner what a word or concept means to them to ensure you both have a common understanding.  I recall there were many words we spent a lot time talking about.  Here were the words and concepts I recall as being the most important to us to ensure we were on the same page.

• Promise Statement: Mike had the idea that we start the contract off with a statement that each of us would write.  A promise directly to each other. It is a bit sappy, but think of it is as a short love letter to each other.  Mike felt it was important that we shared and documented our individual reasons for establishing a DD lifestyle.  I told you he was a great guy!
• Duties and Obligations: I wanted everything I was agreeing to do to be referred to as my “duties and obligations.” I felt strongly about this wording as to me it conveys a strongly held conviction that you perform without condition.   A rule is something anyone can set, but a Duty and Obligation is a personal term.  It is something I own, I create, I commit to myself.   It was not just about some rules.
• Renegotiation: We wanted to be committed to the contract but also have an opportunity for change. We agreed to an initial 30 day term for our contract and then renegotiated a new six month agreement.  Our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We also set up rules for the renegotiation so that we could have candid discussions.  Mike and I entered renegotiations on the same “level” as we were on when we did our first contract – that is, I am not bound by any contract during the renegotiation.  Remember, I am in control here.  It is about what I want for myself, my husband, and my family, and I could not be submissive during a renegotiation.
• Reward: I was fine with referring to consequences as a “punishment,” but Mike felt that word was demeaning. (Remember, words mean different things to different people).  At first he wanted to call them “consequences” which again I was fine with.  But then I had an idea… We would call them Rewards. Since the punishments would be extremely important in helping me attain my goals, anything that helps me towards those goals would be a reward.  This term had the added impact of reminding Mike that I agreed to and wanted these punishments and it made it easier for him to accept delivering the punishments.  He would not be doing something that had a demeaning connotation to him or to me.  He was just “giving me my reward.”
• Purpose of Rewards It was extremely important to give meaning to my punishments.  I felt every swat on my bottom or every privilege revoked or whatever the “reward” was, must have a consistent meaning.  That meaning was to make me the person I want to be, for myself, for my family, and for my husband.   A spanking was not because my husband wished to inflict pain, or not because I wished to feel pain, but because I agreed, in advance, that the punishment was uncomfortable enough for me that I would likely not want it repeated. In setting the specific “rewards” we had to consider what would be appropriate to deliver the desired results in my actions.  This is where DD contracts need to be highly personalized as I image this must be different for everyone.  I am sure some of you would see my punishments as too light, while others too severe.  Also, the Rewards in our current contract are more severe than in our initial contract, as I have developed a greater tolerance and I wanted to ensure they continued to be effective.
• Transgression: So, what would we call it when I did something wrong?  “Infraction” sounded like “oops” which to me is weak and meaningless.  “Violation” sounded too dramatic or police-like.  “Rule” sounds arbitrary or infers they were handed down by someone else.  These were ours and ours alone.  I wanted a word that reflects a violation of a moral principle as I felt my duties were moral obligations to myself, my family, and my husband.  Thus, I came up with Transgression.
• Ceremony: We referred to the punishment session as a Ceremony.  There is often a ceremony to present awards, so we figured, why not call it a Ceremony when I received my Reward.  This was Mike’s idea by the way. This is another example of words being powerful.           Instead of….“Break a rule, get sent to my room for a spanking.”          It became….“I Transgressed and was going to a Ceremony to receive a Reward.”   Thinking of it this way often helped keep me from sulking and helped Mike in delivering the Reward.   We established procedures for the Ceremony to ensure Rewards were given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike should never deliver them in anger.  Even if I did something that directly hurt him, the Ceremony “dignity” must always be maintained.  We made it clear the Ceremony was to ensure I would be reflective, remorseful, and surrendered, and we took time to identify what those words meant so that we were both on the same page.
• Sex: We had to address if this contract was going to include anything sexual.  In my mind sex and discipline are distinct, although I believe many DD contracts can be highly sexually based. Frankly, I’ve never seen another contract so who knows.  Our first contract did not have anything overtly sexually based – if you agree nudity and spanking are not inherently sexual.  However, we both realized that sexual based consequences could be extremely powerful.  In our latest contract I added in a “sex” clause.  I  went “all in” giving Mike full authority over my body regarding any sexual activity.  It was important to me to show him I was trusting him with everything, without exception.  That trust had to include my body.  It still excites me today to know he has this authority, which I regard more as an open invitation to experiment more than complete authority.  In case you wonder, Mike really hasn’t taken advantage of this clause as you might be imagining (not to say he has never evoked it – but that’s to share at another time).  My recommendation is initially leave it out – again sex is not discipline.  But as your DD relationship evolves you might find some sexual based consequences highly effective and desirable.  So what are my sex based Rewards?  At Mike’s suggestion we added in some mandated masturbation time (oh, darn, I guess I would just have to agree to that one).  And we added in Rewards that included breast binding, nipple clamps, anal plugs and palm slapping. (Nothing sexy about that last one).   I was finding that sometimes spanking wasn’t always giving me the level of discomfort I felt was effective. I always had a high pain threshold and was becoming desensitized to some degree.  We needed to escalate the sensations else the spanking session would have to get very lengthy and that would just not always be practical.  I mean, I didn’t want to tire out Mike’s hand!  In any event, I am sure some DD contracts are highly sexually charged and others completely devoid of sex.  I am glad we started with nothing pertaining to sex and allowed things to naturally progress.
• Always: Another word we used throughout the contract was “always.”  I felt it was important that expectations for myself were to be consistent and always expected without any exception.  In other words, I was asking Mike to strictly interpret things.
  I believe it is very important to make it clear that I was fully surrendering to him and that there would be no exceptions to what I was expecting of myself.
• Vague or Missing Terms: Every DD contract should make it clear where ultimate authority rests.  In case we forgot something or realized that what we wrote was hard to interpret in a real life situation, we wrote in a clause that made it clear that any ambiguity in the contract would be interpreted at Mike’s full discretion without consult or protest from me.  If I disagreed I could not immediately say anything. Instead, I was to accept his verdict and if I wished, discuss it at our Maintenance Session.  This is why words are so important.  I was giving him a lot of authority and I wanted to make sure he and I were on the same page regarding how the contract would help guide that authority.
• Maintenance Sessions:  Another extremely critical part of our contract and we approached this like no other DD relationship I read about.  It established a time where I can respectively ask for clarification regarding something that went on during the week.  Some DD couples would never do this as just the thought of such questioning would be considered disobedient.   It was important for us to have a common understanding of things and there is no way to have that without two-way conversation.Mike had ultimately final authority, but at least there was an avenue for me to get clarification.  Note I could seek clarification, but was not questioning his decision nor asking him to change it.  I could ask for clarification to ensure the Reward had the full impact that I intended for myself.In addition, Maintenance Sessions included a review of my journal, self-reporting of any transgressions and if any, Mike’s administering my reward for those transgressions, a “maintenance” reward, and alone time for self-reflection.  It got to the point that I very much looked forward to every Maintenance Session as it served as a milestone for marking my progress towards the person I wanted to become.  It also had a type of intimacy that I can’t describe but that I could never experience outside a Maintenance Session.  How many couples spend designated time where they both intimately focus on the needs of one of them?  Oh, and I also very much enjoyed the “meditation time” for self-reflection (i.e Mike’s mandate I mentioned earlier).

Now you understand a bit more about our approach to the contract.  Eventually I will share the actual contract, but next I’ll share an overview of how we structured it.

NEXT  – 11. Structure of our Contract

8. NOW I am ready to get hubby aboard

How do I even bring up this subject?  What will he think?  What if he refused?  What’s my plan B?

At this point about two weeks have gone by and I had become completely invested in seeing this through.  I already wrote down my initial list of Duties and Obligations to myself.  I was convinced my version of DD was the right thing for us to try.  How do I bring it up in a way that he understands it isn’t because he has been inadequate in any way?   I also recognized that level of selfishness in this. It was really all about me and what I wanted.  Sure I needed his buy in, but I really needed his buy in.  It became very important to me that we try this and remember, I am used to getting my way.  But I also realized that if it works it can’t be forced on Mike.  He has to really feel and understand it from my perspective.  It was hard enough to convince myself, how would I convince him?

It was unfair for me to think that he had the easy part thus should be easy to convince. The reality is, he isn’t dominant by nature, and I effectively conditioned him to defer to me.  So I needed a strategy to help him conclude it was right for him and for us, and not that it was all about me.  I did that the way I often tackled problems – focus on the outcome. 

Getting Mike to agree and accept that the outcome is what we both want…for each other and for our family.  Then work backwards from that outcome to come up with what DD would mean for us….and I wouldn’t use the term DD.  I didn’t want to give any preconceived definition of what I was talking about and as it turns out, he hadn’t heard the term before.  What I would be suggesting is a change in lifestyle that was our own, without label.  It just so happened to conform to many DD principles.  Okay, I was convinced I had the approach that would work in theory, but how do I start the conversation?  

I don’t recall exactly how I started it, but it was something like this. “Mike, I want us to make some changes in how things work around the house.” 

I shared with him that I have been concerned about my turning into a slob and leaving him my own big messes to clean up.  I was concerned about my forgetfulness, my clumsiness, my short temper with him and the kids, etc.  My inability to give everyone the time I wanted to give them because I just couldn’t stop myself from trying to solve everyone’s problems and meet everyone’s needs.   I told him I needed his help.  With his help we can have less stress, more together time, an overall better managed household from cleanliness to finances and we could become closer as a couple.

I asked a couple of questions that I knew the answer had to be “yes”, such as “Have you noticed those things of me?”    That’s kind of a Jedi-mind trick I learned.  Get the person saying “yes.”  It creates momentum that makes it hard for them to say no later, and it helps build confidence in yourself to keep asking increasingly tougher questions.   Then came the golden “what would it mean to you…” question that I love to ask everyone.  I asked him, “What would it mean to you if we could accomplish those things together?”  He responded with all the personal gratification he would get from having those things and seeing me happy, etc.  So, at that point, I knew he was going to be open to considering any suggestion I had that could potentially give him that satisfaction.

At this point Mike’s on board that some things need to change about me and that he is all ears on how he can help me with that.  I then said something like, “I believe the best way to accomplish these changes would be for me to give up certain responsibilities.  Not that I would be doing less, in fact, I want to do more, but, I feel that I haven’t been able to be responsible to myself for the things I want to do, and that is where I need your help. I want to take the responsibility for myself and give it to you as a gift, with love.”  I remember that phrase as I had practiced it over and over in my head.

Mike was puzzled and I stated it again, and then a third time, all with the same puzzled reaction from Mike. I then had this panic like, “oh god, he doesn’t understand, quick Jennifer, think of more to say.  How could I have thought that this was all I was going to have to say.  Say something, say something!”   There was quite the awkward pause.   In hindsight, I am glad I didn’t rehearse beyond the initial phrase as now it was time to speak directly from the heart with the raw and true emotions that can only come from speaking what I was feeling at that very moment.  These weren’t my exact words, as I am sure it was more babble and less eloquent, but I recall it sounded something like this:

“Mike, I haven’t been myself, and need your help in being the person I want to be. The person I want to be for myself, for you, and for the kids.  I believe the best way I can get to being that person is with you taking responsibility for my actions.  Where I agree to do certain things and behave a certain way, and you hold me responsible.  For some reason I just can’t be that person on my own anymore but I know I can be that person if I know I have clearly committed to being that person and that you will be there to hold me accountable.”

I think adding in the terms “responsibility” and “accountability” really helped him to begin realizing what I was suggesting.   Now, instead of puzzlement, I got a response that went to the heart of the matter.

Responsible for what actions and accountable in what ways?”   Wow, he said it.  There it was.  That is the question that everyone considering DD has to address.  And the answers are as varied as there are people – there is no right or wrong answer – only the one that works for your relationship.  Here was the very question whose answer would determine our path forward.

My answer went something like this.   “I haven’t thought all of this through and will need your help in doing that, but right now when I think of you being responsible for my actions it means that you could help inforce the behaviors I want from myself.  You can remind me of my promises that I made regarding what I will do and how I will behave.  For instance, you wouldn’t be responsible for doing all the cleaning, but would be responsible for reminding me to get certain chores completed.  Those reminders will help me.  That is what I mean by being responsible for me. Does that make sense?”

He said he thought he understood, but okay, so he would take on some responsibility in helping me, but what did I mean about accountability?  Yikes, there it is.  The punishment conversation.  While I had reconciled this in my mind, I was still very uncomfortable talking about this with him and I didn’t want to be the first to say spanking or punishment or anything like that.

My answer was that it meant he would hold me accountable beyond just the reminder.   I told him if all he could do is constantly remind me, he would just be a nag and neither of us want that.  Instead, we would agree on certain consequences if I failed to do something.  I remember asking him if that made sense.   His answer was spot on.   “Do you mean a consequence like a punishment?”

I can still see his face the moment he said those words. It was the “moment of truth” in this discussion.  It would now be about Domestic Discipline no matter if we called it that or not.   The word “punishment” had been spoken for the first time.

My mind raced. I started thinking about way too many details dealing with punishment and visualizing the actual act of spanking.  I didn’t know what to say so after another long awkward pause I uttered fairly softly, “Yeah, a consequence like a punishment.”

Mike’s reaction was a half-smile, like his imagination was at work, but I could tell he wasn’t sure what I was saying.  His half-laughing response was, “Are you serious?  What type of punishments are you talking about?”   I was nervous to say specific things, and in hindsight, am glad I did not.  I feel my answer put us on the path towards success, as this punishment thing could have gone horribly wrong if we went in with misconceptions about what it was.  So, how would I explain the type of punishments I was talking about?

NEXT – 9 The “S” word… gulp… Spanking.

 

7. Accepting Punishment

The thoughts of my husband spanking me at best seemed silly, and at worst uncomfortable, demeaning, and humiliating.   I am not a child – and I don’t even believe in spanking children.  Even just thinking about the submissive nature of positioning my body to be spanked.  That didn’t “sit” well with me (ha – some spanking humor).  Oh yeah, and then there is the pain part.

Yep.  I was pretty convinced that I would never get comfortable with the thought of physical punishment.  But my mind kept working at it because as I shared in my prior post, I was convinced there was something DD could do to help my life in a profound and meaningful way.

I tried a Pro and Con list but it didn’t really work.  The only positive is that I have always liked a little pain with sex – light spanking when in a doggy position or very hard nipple twisting (I would often tell Mike to twist/pull harder!).  But that was sex, not punishment.  And then there were the non-physical forms of punishment.  The withholding of privileges or corner time.  I kept thinking maybe I could come up with something that has the rules but other consequences.  But what consequences?

Anything I thought of short of what DD calls for seemed shallow, and I wanted to be fully committed and wanted my husband to fully commit. I realized that because the thought of punishments was so abhorrent to me, that perhaps that is the point.  I should have a punishments consistent with providing an incentive to uphold my commitments to myself.  Since nothing else seemed like an appropriate way to be held accountable, I started warming up to the idea of being spanked.

I went back to the fact that I realized my life was not in good order.  In good order according to my wishes and desires – not anyone elses.  I was not living up to my own standards and I was not happy and it was mostly of my own doing.

The thought of giving my husband many of the controls continued to intrigue me.  I felt it would reduce my burdens, and give me structure to accomplish the things I want to accomplish as a person, a wife, and a mother. To really commit to my duties and obligations, I needed a strong consequence when I failed.

Ultimately, I never fully reconciled it in my mind to the point I was “for” it.   I simply decided to put aside my issues with the punishment and take a chance with DD.   A tremendous release came over me once I resigned myself to the idea of punishment. I knew I was ready for DD.  Now, how do I get my husband on board?

NEXT – 8.NOW I am ready to get hubby aboard.