So here’s something different. Let’s talk about discipline! It’s been awhile since I’ve written about being disciplined. I don’t have any epic submissive fails or extended or dramatic punishments to share. So I’ll just share a quick fire list of some things. Basically like I did on 213. Speedy Spanking Summations.
SMELLS LIKE JENS SPIRIT
Before I get into the discipline, here’s another Jenny blog throwback. I good old fashion esoteric rant, Jenny style.
I am keenly aware that my reaction to my discipline is different now. I think it took our first two years of DD before I got significantly down the road of truly accepting discipline. And it wasn’t until perhaps the start of this year that I think I fully got to the end of that road and fully accepted it.
There were parts of me that still were not 100% comfortable with it. Why did I need it? Why is it so effective? Why wasn’t I strong enough to be the wife, mother, and person I wanted to be without relying on my husband’s discipline?
When I think (and read) back through my discipline experiences, I can tell I spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct what certain punishments meant – about me, about Mike, about our relationship. I always concluded in one way or another that my disciplining brought me fulfillment, joy, pleasure (perhaps not in the moment) and a oneness with Mike. While I have always appreciated my DD, I only recently accepted that feeling of appreciation.
I accept DD as right for me – unapologetically and unashamed. And I don’t mean that in an outward sense. Obviously if you read my posts, I’ve never outwardly felt i needed to apologize or feel ashamed for adopting DD. . . but inwardly? For a long time, especially early on, I felt I needed to apologize to my old self (that self empowered woman who would never cower to any man, especially her husband).
And as for shame, I don’t mean it in the context of humiliation. I never felt humiliated (humbled, yes). The shame I needed to overcome was more about what I can only think to call a subconsciousness of wrong. Like, I had this “thing” that I couldn’t really identify but now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see it. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was this part of me trying to ask myself if all of this is just wrong for me and I am just too naive, insecure, blind, ..okay, even stupid… to realize it.
It was the the tension of this feeling that influenced my behavior. It made it easier for me to discount a rule, or conveniently forget an obligation. This added to the fact I was still adjusting to life as a submissive. Not every fail was due to some subconscious urge to rebel. But clearly, the part of me that hadn’t accepted submission wasn’t making adhering to my rules any easier.
Slowly I started to lose the feelings of needing to apologize or feel shameful towards myself. It probably took two years for the ball to get rolling on losing those things. And now, I realize, they are gone. I think our October contract was the impetus for the final purge of those feelings. Coupled with the discipline I got at the start of the year, and coming out to our family about Kayla and to some degree about my submission – and whammo – those feelings were replaced with a subconsciousness of right, of joy, of fulfillment.
Whatever the final straw, all I know is now when I am disciplined, there is no suffering nor sense of self. I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the emotional uneasiness that came with the need to apologize to myself and deal with that subconsciousness of wrong. And when there is no suffering nor sense of self, well, Buddism has a name for that. Nirvana. (. . . a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido… sorry, I can never say the word Nirvana without thinking of that).
The result is, I simply am not as motivated to write about my spanks and “go esoteric” like I typically do regarding what they mean to me. I know that is disappointing to you spankos out there, but you know, for you spankos there is navigation on this page to my Discipline archive. Have fun and bust a nut. ha. Is there an equivalent slang for women? Poon monsoon? Diddle the Skittle? Sorry, I didn’t intend to imply a masturbatory predilection amongst spankophiles. We all know spankos are into such stories for their literary virtue. I digress!
OUT OF TIME
Well, now look what I did. I used up this whole post waxing philosphical (is there an opposite of that? “waning unknowledgeably” perhaps?). Okay, stop it Jen!
I am in such a silly mood!!
I promise. My next post will share some discipline I’ve received over the last three months or so. I may even get it up today. I have it mostly written and then realized it was too long to include here. If not today, tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed the post anyway!