Tag Archives: rules

263. Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

263

As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant.  Ah!  A time to rejoice!  I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.”  So, Yes!  He is finally expressing he wants more!  Yes, yes, yes! 

NO!
As I stated before.  I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me.  From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s.   But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity. 

THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be.  I am his submissive, yes?  True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply.  BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so.   It kind of goes like this . . .

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT 
JEN:  Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated.  While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands.  Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause.  In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.   

MIKE:  Your honor,  our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,”  Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.”  Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline.  She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe.  Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.”  Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here.  I rest my case.     

JEN:  I object, your honor.  That statement is incomplete.  The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience.   In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior.  Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.”  And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence.  In other words, a precursor to Discipline.  The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement.  It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.

And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause.  In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation.  However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action.  As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on.   If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it.  If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible.  If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.   

Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations.  The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties.  Our Agreement is clear.  Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.        

THE JUDGES:   Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).

The committee voted 5-2 in my favor.  However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause.  Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened.  Really!  What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA?  Not buying it?  Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .  

MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him.  Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent.  I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike.  So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if  I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.  

Yes, that would have been a good opening remark.  But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements.  In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract.   And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post).   Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part.  And now he wants more?

HYPOCRITE? 
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.”  It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here.  And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.”  No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things.  It is about Equity and Fairness.

Well, poop!  I am human.  There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress).   In addition, I was feeling vulnerable.  I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve.  I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.

BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me).  As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself.  I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.”  Hee-hee.  Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.  

I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me.  I apologized for bringing them up.  He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment.  It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now.  “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing.  Can we talk about that first?”   

So we did.

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you.  After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted?    Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform.   But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.

His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.”   Yep.  I thought he would have a list of things he wanted.  He did not.

It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted.  Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want.   But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is.   At least it got some dialogue rolling.   It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.

RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.”    Here is what concluded: 

  • Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time.  After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now).  It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon. 
  • Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings.  I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples.  We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
  • We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus.  When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for.  In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well.  Very equitable!  And these things weren’t really new. 

This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did?  This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased?   Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission?  The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post. 

By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:

  • Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement  
    As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect. 
  • Sexual Obedience
    Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt.  I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission.  Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it.  Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place. 
  • Household Duties
    Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months. 
  • Availability and Awareness / Permission
    I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule.  This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.  
  • Leaving Home Reminders
    This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit.  I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike.  And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.  
  • Weigh-in
    This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip.  My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.  
  • Gracefullness
    I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this.  While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
  • Attire
    Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out.  Something he rarely asks of me.  He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary.  This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code.  He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra.  I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra.  The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
  • Nudity be damned
    Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc)  He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason.  No more!  Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks.   J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
  • Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
    Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it.  What of his Dominance?  Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?”   He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note:  this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive).   After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
    This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.

In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation.  My sentence?  My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!

NEXT: Post 264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

 

168. New Domestic Discipline Rules

168

Mike and I had a long meeting regarding revising our contract that expires on October 17.  We made a lot of headway on changes.  

There are seven primary category of things we are looking to change:

  1. DUTIES & OBLIGATIONS  (i.e. rules) 
  2. RITUALS (or as Mike is calling, “refocusing” activities – this is new!)
  3. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS  (Mike wants to codify our Thursday sessions and make them permanent).
  4. HARD LIMITS  (I am looking to expand them).
  5. CONDENSE disciplining measures to give Mike more latitude (more of a formality since we have long since mutually deviated from some of the specifics of the contract). 
  6. VOCABULARY CHANGES  (Re-label “Rewards” as “Discipline” and possibly other miscellaneous changes).

We started from #1 and are working our way down.  I’ll post about each one separately – which means many of you will probably find this a bit boring re no discipline stories.  Perhaps you’ll find it entertaining to imagine the spankings I’ll get as I learn to incorporate these new rules!  No?  Well, sorry, but I discovered I enjoy going back and reading my early musings and thought processes.  Older posts serve as a marker regarding where I was and how far I have progressed and changed.  So if for no other reason than to amuse myself for future reference . . .

CHANGES TO DUTIES & OBLIGATIONS
While I shared with Mike that I did not want to dictate things in the way I did for our last contract, he did tell me he wants my feedback.  He said perhaps I could still “influence” without dictating.  He reminded me that ultimately our DD is still for my benefit and he needs my help in ensuring it stays that way.  He also pointed out that in some cases he has more of a general desire for what he feels is right for me and he needs my input coming up with the specifics to fulfill that desire.  In other words, “Jenny, you got to give your two cents!”

My current Duties and Obligations are broken into three parts:
1. Honesty.  2.  Obedience.  3.  Safety.

Obedience has several sub-sets, three of which are Household Cleanliness, Physical Self-Care, and Emotional Self-Care.  (You can read about all my Duties and Obligations in our Contract).

HOUSEHOLD CLEANLINESS (i.e. Chores)
Mike would like me to have a set schedule that I create.  Such as laundry Tuesdays, ironing day, etc.  He wants at least two separate half-days dedicated to baking (pies, cookies, whatever).  He also wants at least one half-day a week dedicated to something specific that I would choose and commit to during our Maintenance Session.   For instance, I might commit to reorganizing the closet or some other irregular task.    

These things are pretty much (but not exactly) all things I do anyway (I don’t bake much).  And Kayla can still help (and she helps a lot, although not as much since she started back at school).

EMOTIONAL SELF CARE
He said part of the goal with a structured chore schedule was to better organize my household duties into smaller daily bite sizes.  Once done, I was done for the day.   He said the expectation – in fact, the RULE, would be no jumping ahead to the next days chores.  And by setting expectations as to what would be done when, I would avoid my occasional habit of over committing to my duties of the day.   His plan is that the end result would be a furthering of my “Emotional Self-care” obligations because I would be more organized and avoid the stress of over committing.   Lastly, my schedule would include structure down time as well.   It was not about doing more chores (other than the baking), it was about better organizing them.  This sounded great to me!

PHYSICAL SELF CARE – GRACE AND ELEGANCE
Mike wants to implement rules about my “style,” as he put it.  This would fall under my “Physical Self-Care” requirements.  He noticed I was a bit taken aback by this and he quickly clarified it in a more positive light.  He said he wants to add more “grace and elegance” for me – and he clarified, “Grace and Elegance aren’t two women I met.”  He wants me to “walk, sit, dress, and speak” more gracefully and be more sensitive to my appearance regarding clothes, hair and make up – and he wasn’t just talking about when I go out.  He wants to see this at home.   He wants fewer t-shirts and more skirts, sundresses, and stuff like that. 

Wow!  This was not what I was expecting.  It seemed very un-Mike like, but I recognize that is only because we have never really focused this much on his preferences for me.  Mike was quick to say that he was never bothered by my style.  I am not a slob and look and dress just fine — but he wants to take it up a notch.  He felt my inward submissive changes deserved some outward changes as well.   I joked, “So, Sir, may I buy a petticoat or two?”       

He smiled and said the specific attire would be somewhat up to me.  He asked me to present him with my specific ideas that I felt supported a greater “grace and elegance.”
I am glad he is allowing my input on this.  I love him, and he is my Dom, but women’s fashion, albeit circa 1950, is not his forte.

I‘ll peruse those old 1940’s and 50’s “How to” books on being a housewife.  I’ve read bits of them before and always thought they were a bit hilarious.  I never thought I’d be using them as reference material!  I think I’ll go all-in and get a really cool 50’s retro-housewife hairdo.  Second only to satisfying Mike’s wishes, I am very excited that this means there is a shopping spree and visit to my stylist in the offing.  Yea me! 

PHYSICAL SELF CARE – DIET AND EXERCISE
Also under Physical Self-Care, Mike wants me to exercise every morning after I drop J off at school.  It would entail walking or running around the block or at the park – he would come up with the distance and may increase it over time.   Mike said, “time to put your Fitbit to greater use.”   He also said that I must ask permission for cookies, cake, ice cream, pie, or any other deserts, any time I want them, and abide by any other food or drink restriction that he may impose from time to time (See Post 163 re the “tea” incident).  Again, I am game.  Kayla and I try to walk a few times a week, so this will just make it more frequent and make it mandatory.   I am in!

SAFETY
Currently our Safety provision includes “Risk of Judgment of Family or Friends” which recognizes that others may unfairly judge or misconstrue our lifestyle.  As such, we don’t share TTWD with anyone unless we both mutually agree.  Mike wants to change this so that he is the only decider in this, not me.  Further, he wants us to more outwardly live our lifestyle.  Not that we tell people, and not that he would reprimand me in front of others, and definitely never punish me in front of others.  But, calling him Sir and everything else about my submissive demeanor should be on display at all times.  THIS IS BIG.  I’ve usually refrained from calling him “Sir” in front of others.  

I am willing to do it and put aside my reservations as it is what Mike wants.  We talked about how to handle comments we are sure to get from family members (our older kids?), or even his coworkers, and others.  We basically will take a “no comment’ stance.  A matter-of-fact, “Yeah, I am treating Mike very nicely, and?”

Oh, and also, at least for now, other than in private, Mike said that when I ask him something I don’t have to say, “Sir, may I…” or “Sir, would you like…” or whatever it may be.   I would just refer to him as Mike in my statements or questions about or to him; however, all my responses to him would be “Yes, Sir,” or “No, Sir,” or, “Well, Sir….”  

This will take a little getting use to and it will be interesting to see how people react.  Part of me gets a tingle, but part of me is a bit apprehensive.

Overall, I am very happy that Mike has taken to heart the things I have told him re me wanting this to be his DD FOR ME and not simply MY DD FOR ME.  

Next I’ll post about “Rituals” that Mike wants to incorporate in our new agreement.  My Dom is on a roll!

NEXT:  169.  Adding Ritual to our DD

 

 

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

85. Bright or Dark? Source of Submission.

lite

If you read my last few posts (82 or 84), you know that Donna is staying with us while John is out of the country on business.  The first part of last week was hard on Donna as John required her to be subject to all my rules, and only my rules.  Having to forsake her normal routine and acts of submission was emotionally difficult.   She enjoyed the later part of the week and the weekend as John required her to only follow her normal rules, with Mike filling in for John.

Direction, Discipline, and Service.
I’ve always known John and Donna follow a different D/s relationship compared to Mike and me.  Donna really enjoys, craves, and is fulfilled by direction, discipline, and service. As for me, I like the Service the most, Discipline is good – a nice mix of pain and pleasure – but I don’t really delve into the Direction part.  I don’t seek Mike’s input on a lot of daily decisions. Part of it is that so much of my day is being a mother, and the decisions need to be made quickly.  I will give this more thought.  Perhaps there are more things I could be doing to be more submissive around “Direction.”  I kind of look at is as a nuisance to Mike if I have to seek too much direction from him.  I do defer a lot to him as it is, but I am sure I could do more.  Humm…something for me to think about and talk about with Mike.

Anyway, John set out the rules for this week and it surprised me.  He once again ordered Donna to follow my rules, from this morning (Monday) through when she wakes up on Friday.   I thought this might be devastating to Donna but she took it well.  She told me that it is much easier this week and I was surprised by her reasoning.  She said she is upbeat about it because she knows it will be difficult for her and more importantly, John knows it too, but John wants her to do it anyway.  It’s like, she feels more submissive, and thus more comfortable doing it, precisely because it is difficult for her and John knows it and is requiring it anyway.  Bottom line, she feels more like “his” submissive this week, even though she is following my rules.  Interesting!

SubmissionThe Dark Side or the Bright?
Spending all this time with Donna means we’ve been able to talk a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our personal motivations and satisfaction regarding submission.  I’ve always admitted that my submission is a bit “light” compared to Donna’s, but she made an interesting observation about my submission.   She said that she feels my submission comes from a “bright” place, and that hers is more from a “darker” place.  And, while she has not known many people who are submissive, her belief is that most cravings for submissiveness comes from a “darker” place and that I was not the norm.

What she meant by dark is that in her mind the submissive has some history that includes perhaps at least some neglect or belittlement, or at worst some physical or sexual abuse.   If not any of those, then at least a depression or high anxiety of other origin.

I’ve only known one submissive –Donna. She has met a few other than me, but didn’t know them well, so our sample size is basically limited to our personal experiences.  I disagreed with her and told her that I think it is her own personal confirmation bias talking.  We all relate best to our own experiences, and tend to assume that people who are like us must have also had similar experiences and have similar motivations.   I told her I’ve never read anything about this so can only assume that like most things in life, people involved in various TTWD run the gamut of life experiences.  That includes whether or not TTWD include D/s or any other kink.  My guess is there is no set profile of “dark” or “bright” (as she called it).

I do admit that her past has some physical, emotional, and sexual trials and tribulations that I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience.  I also admit that those experiences play a role in the colloquial “things we do” as well as in the kink culture TTWD.  I do not believe a specific set of life experiences predisposes someone to seek out a D/s relationship.  As this is just a gut feeling, I am open to the fact I could be wrong.

I also sensed condescension in her tone.  As if she was a “real” submissive and I was just playing like one.  That’s a bit of an over dramatization, but, I still felt that she was inferring this.  Funny thing, but I know in my discussions with Kayla that I’ve done far worse than just infer this.  When I was still feeling resentful about the Kayla situation I told Kayla that this was a serious life choice for me and I couldn’t accept her just doing it as a lark.  Funny how the tables have turned and Donna was basically saying something similar to me.

I avoided feeling offended by Donna as I was able to relate to what she was feeling.  I even told her how I related this to my situation with Kayla.    I agreed her submission is “deeper” than mine, but mine was made to fit me and Mike, not her and John.  It also made me realize even more that it is extremely important that Kayla is allowed to create something that fits Kayla, assuming submission is even a route she decides to go.  And so what if she is just “trying it on for size?”  There isn’t anything that says she has to be committed for life.  Heck, even I eased into the current level of submission I have with Mike.  We don’t owe the submissive lifestyle a certain “level” of submission.  My conversation with Donna just reinforced with me that we should encourage each other to find and maintain a lifestyle that brings us the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that lifestyle may be. 

I wonder if there have been any studies out there about submissives?  Specifically in the Domestic Discipline sense and specifically with the woman as submissive – although it would be interesting to see if the findings are similar with male submissives.  And I don’t mean Christian Domestic Discipline.  I mean regarding women who clearly had options and alternatives and sought out a D/s or a Domestic Discipline relationship of their own volition, absent any family or community/religious expectations.

My bet is we would find that we come from all walks of life, all ages, and a wide range life experiences.  Some great, some good, some not-so-good, and yes, some very bad too.  Oh, what do I know?  I’ve apparently got the “bright” form of submission which according to Donna predisposes me to see everything with rose-colored glasses.  Maybe so.  Maybe not?

86.  Nature vs. Nurture.  Finding my DD.