As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant. Ah! A time to rejoice! I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.” So, Yes! He is finally expressing he wants more! Yes, yes, yes!
As I stated before. I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me. From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s. But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity.
THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be. I am his submissive, yes? True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply. BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so. It kind of goes like this . . .
IF IT PLEASES THE COURT
JEN: Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated. While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands. Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause. In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.
MIKE: Your honor, our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,” Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.” Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline. She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe. Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.” Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here. I rest my case.
JEN: I object, your honor. That statement is incomplete. The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior. Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.” And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence. In other words, a precursor to Discipline. The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement. It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.
And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause. In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation. However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action. As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on. If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it. If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible. If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.
Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations. The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties. Our Agreement is clear. Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.
THE JUDGES: Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).
The committee voted 5-2 in my favor. However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause. Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened. Really! What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA? Not buying it? Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .
MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him. Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent. I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike. So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.
Yes, that would have been a good opening remark. But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements. In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract. And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post). Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part. And now he wants more?
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.” It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here. And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.” No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things. It is about Equity and Fairness.
Well, poop! I am human. There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress). In addition, I was feeling vulnerable. I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve. I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.
BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me). As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself. I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.” Hee-hee. Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.
I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me. I apologized for bringing them up. He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment. It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now. “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing. Can we talk about that first?”
So we did.
HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you. After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted? Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform. But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.
His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.” Yep. I thought he would have a list of things he wanted. He did not.
It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted. Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want. But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is. At least it got some dialogue rolling. It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.
RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.” Here is what concluded:
- Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time. After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now). It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon.
- Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings. I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples. We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
- We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus. When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for. In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well. Very equitable! And these things weren’t really new.
This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did? This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased? Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission? The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post.
By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:
- Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement
As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect.
- Sexual Obedience
Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt. I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission. Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it. Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place.
- Household Duties
Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months.
- Availability and Awareness / Permission
I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule. This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.
- Leaving Home Reminders
This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit. I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike. And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.
This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip. My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.
I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this. While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out. Something he rarely asks of me. He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary. This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code. He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra. I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra. The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
- Nudity be damned
Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc) He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason. No more! Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks. J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
- Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it. What of his Dominance? Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?” He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note: this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive). After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.
In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation. My sentence? My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!