363. IRRATIVE PROCESS PART 1 – WHY I SUBMIT

That’s not a typo. I did mean “irrative.” You’ll have to read this post to find out why. Of course, you can scroll right down to the last section if you don’t care to submit yourself to my ramblings.

Picking up where I left off on the last post. Why do I submit?
Again, you can read many posts about my views on submission and happiness by going to my Shortcuts and choosing from my favorite posts on this topic.

I tried to do my best not to repeat my former ramblings and give you all fresh new ramblings, but I think most of this post turned out to be a re-hash of things I’ve previously opined. It may take me one more post to get to some newer, fresher, thoughts on my submission.

BOYS TO MEN

I will start going back to my formative years of youth and how I approached my relationship with boys and eventually with men, including why I was attracted to Mike. As shared before, I met and dated Mike in high school where we dated off on and for several years. We had a different group of friends which made it difficult, but we always remained on friendly terms even when not dating each other. We reconnected shortly after high school – and the rest is history.

What attracted me to Mike, even in high school, was that he always seemed to want nothing more than to make ME happy. I never felt like I had anything to prove to him. Contrast that with other boys I dated who clearly wanted me to make them happy. I say “clearly” but as I look back on it, it was less about them and more about my own perceptions. For some reason most boys made me FEEL like it was my job to make them happy. As I look back, I can say it was more about my own perceptions than anything they overtly did.

Maybe it was “societal norms” influencing my perceptions. Whatever the case, being in charge of a adolescent male’s happiness is a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone an adolescent female. It leads to a lot of self doubt and worry about whether you are being a “good girlfriend.” Feelings that are pretty normal even without any added pressures. But for some reason, I just never felt that way around Mike.

I “DIDN’T CARE” ABOUT MIKE

I think I was a better girlfriend and a better person to Mike because I never cared how he saw me. I know that sounds strange. I mean, I wanted him to like me, and later love me and marry me. But I could be more myself around him versus anyone else. I think that raised my self esteem and made me more attractive to him. And funny thing, he says the same about me. He said he always felt more confident around me, less insecure, more himself. I guess that’s why we clicked!

I strongly believe we attract those who like the vibe we put off. If you are negative, nagging, anxious, insecure, you attract men who like and thrive on that. Yes, there are plenty of men who seek that in a woman. When you truly embrace your feelings, go from needy and anxious to relaxed and sensuous, your vibe attracts an entirely different person. And yes, some men are intimidated and repelled by that.

I always felt deliriously safe with Mike. I believe it was because I didn’t feel compelled to focus on him, and could focus on me. A good man wants to make you happy. When you’re happy, he’s happy, when he’s happy, you’re happy, and the happiness just feeds on itself.

HAPPINESS CAN BE A FOUR LETTER WORD

The challenge is, figuring out what truly makes you happy. The trick is, it’s really hard to know what truly makes you happy. You might be pursuing some idealized version of “happiness” that leaves you very empty, yet you continue your pursuit of it. That type of happiness is a four letter word.

For a long time I thought happiness had to be the “do-it-all-wife.” Work, kids, the whole works. As a parent, I had to be the super-parent, taking on any and everything without asking Mike for help. Why was I so reluctant to involve Mike? I think I figured that out, but will get to that later. For now, let’s soak in my attitude at that time.

I doubled down on my efforts once I became a stay-at-home-mom. My thinking was that if I am not working, I had to take even more parenting and household stuff off of Mike’s plate. Then when our youngest was born and had special needs, I made a conscious effort to take on even more to help minimize the impact our son’s needs had on Mike.

You’re probably saying, “where was Mike during all this.” Oh, he was there, but I was doing my best to keep him at a distance. Over time I pushed him out of a lot of things, even interacting with our kids. At least he had the gumption to insert himself, despite my protests, else he would have missed out on many experiences.

For instance, I would be happy to take the kids on an outing on the weekend to give Mike a free day off of work to relax. He had to practically beg to come along to an outing as I insisted he relax. While my motives were well intended, I eventually learned they made him feel unwelcome in joining his own family on outings . Ouch!

I was not happy, and neither was Mike. No need to re-hash my first few posts about my life pre-DD. You can read them starting here.

In summary, I was doing what I thought made me happy and I thought Mike needed. And Mike, being who he is, was giving me a lot of latitude in doing those things as he wanted to make me happy. But in doing so I was wearing myself down, shutting him out of a lot of things, and not feeling fulfilled by all the things I was doing. And instead of changing, I would just double down even further at what I was already doing. I had this attitude that if was I was doing wasn’t making me happy, maybe if I did it even harder I would be happy.

Doh! Easy to see the error in that thinking now, but at that time, there was no telling me otherwise. Thus, this small shred of mutual resentment appeared. It then started to get larger over time. Then along came DD and our world and marriage and life changed for the better!

BUT WHY WAS I DRAWN TO SUBMISSION?

DD forced me to think about what made me happy. I realized that the happiness I thought I had was false. Post 30. I Found My Thrill sums it up the best, so I won’t rehash it here.

Well, this post has dragged on and on with no real resolution as to what may be behind the tremendous fulfillment I get from serving my husband. Hey, getting to the bottom of such things can be an iterative process, but I will there. It just may take another post or two.

IRRATIVE?

Ha. I made a typo when I first wrote this and typed “irrative” process” instead of iterative. Maybe a Freudian slip! Irrative isn’t a word, but it should be! It’s quite irritating to me to not understand what is at the root of things I think and feel. Hence the reason I started my blog as it helps me to do so.

Anyways, maybe I’ll just have to torture you with one more post about me rambling on about myself. I know you’d rather hear about something sexy or raunchy. Sorry, but if you’re a long time reader, you know you have to suffer the occasional slings and arrows of my outrageous ramblings before you’re rewarded with the “good” stuff. Hey, who just said, “Since when has anything Jen posted been good?” Stop that!

NEXT: Part II. Why I am a submissive wife

152. Vanilla Time

IMMERSION 2.0 – LAST CHAPTER
10 days without posting!   Let’s see, so, the last day-and-a-half of our Immersion was very intense.  We jokingly called it “Festivus” (from Seinfeld) because it required many “feats of strength.”  That is, a lot of physical endurance as Mike honed his rope tying skills via  Shibari, and a lot of extended “discomfort” regarding beads, clamps, plugs, and the like.  In short, it was bliss, but with a literal physical twist!

Despite these things, overall it seemed less intense than last year.  Partly because I knew more of what to expect, and partly because we had a day and half break near the end because our middle son was home.  Also, I think having Kayla with me made it seem less intense for some reason.  I guess having someone taking on the same or similar challenges helps provide added strength and endurance.  

VANILLA TIME
The HARDEST part actually came the week after the immersion!  Mike told Kayla and I that he was ordering a break.  A complete break from our dynamic.  He said it would last at least three days and he would then decide if to add more days.  He said there would be no punishments, no calling him “Sir,” no acts of service, no household expectations, no nudity, no sex, and none of our TTWD routines.  He locked up our “toys” and kept the keys hidden.  He also asked me not to post, not to reflect, not to journal – and of course, no masturbating!  He called it, “Vanilla Time.”  

The sub in me knew not to question this, so initially I did not.  But once he decreed the start of  “Vanilla,” I was free to question, so I did.  He said that he just wanted us all to gain some perspective that could only be obtained through abstinence.  He said it was not for any particular reason other than an experiment to see if taking a break changed any of our thinking about our dynamic.   He said he had no ulterior motives.  He wasn’t hoping for a change, nor is he against any change.  He just felt it was worth the effort to see if our perspectives changed if we got away from it for a while.  

It was hard not to stick to our daily household chores, but Mike told us that once “Vanilla Time was over, he would assess how well Kayla and I adhered to it.  We could be punished based on that – thus, he said, considered Vanilla Time an act of service in and of itself.  It helped to think of it that way, and the first few days were okay.  It was strange wearing clothes all day, and strange not thinking of the next thing I needed to be doing.  The upside was a bit more rest and relaxation.   

By the third day I was feeling antsy but took comfort in the fact only a day remained – then Mike extended it for four more days.  A FULL WEEK DD-Free!

By day five I was so ready for it to be over.  I was missing my old routine, missing the acts of service, and just plain missing the submissive mindset.   At one point Kayla and I put on a “Vanilla strike” and told Mike he would just have to spank us now because we had enough.  We stripped and bent over and egged him on.  It was somewhat in jest, but we were also serious.  We needed a spanking.  Mike simply said no and walked away, and said if we tried that again he would add more Vanilla Time.  

We eventually got through it, and when Mike officially ended Vanilla Time it meant that Kayla and I both received spankings for the many times we failed to adhere to the Vanilla rules, let alone our failed strike attempt.  

I learned that the oxytocin and other feel good chemicals elicited from spanking and overall submission is clearly addictive.  I felt real withdrawals, as did Kayla.   No joke.  It did remind me a bit of the “blues” that I got when I stopped breastfeeding oh so many years ago.  It’s the same chemical reaction as oxytocin levels drop when you stop breastfeeding.

I have mentioned before that our dynamic is such that there is always some sexual charge in the air.  If it could be measured, I would say that our sexual arousal never dips below a 3 on a scale of 1-10.  So 24×7 it is at least a 3, let alone the many times a day it is a 6 or 7, or of course, the 10.  I don’t know the last time I went 24 hours without an orgasm, let alone 7 days!  So we went from there always being some “electricity” in the air down to there being basically none.

I also just didn’t like it, plain and simple.  I didn’t like not doing things for Mike, not serving his every need and desire.  I felt unproductive, uncaring, and unloving.  I know that sounds dumb because you don’t need to submit to your husband to feel otherwise, but I guess that’s the point.  For me, I do.  (The pre-DD Jenny would gag at that).  

Mike was hoping this experiment would provide perspective – and it did.  It solidified all three of our beliefs that our dynamic is what works best for us.  I appreciate the lifestyle we have created.  It is our own.  It is not degrading, humiliating, violating and torture.  While it happens to fit into the tendencies of a patriarchal culture, it is not about gender for us.  It is simply about us.  Kayla and I enjoy and thrive in being submissive, and Mike enjoys and thrives in being Dominant.

I am happy our Immersion is over, and definitely happy Vanilla Time is over.  I look forward to repeating the former next year, and hope Mike never calls for a repeat of the latter.   The way you “torture” a submissive is to not allow her to be submissive!

NEXT:  153. Kayla the Master

127. About Compersion, Sex, and Change

Two posts in one day!  A few more things to catch you up on that are changes from stuff I previously shared, and then I think I will wax poetically in reflection.  Okay, probably more like a self-indulgent prosing on of my life, but whatever.  Suffice to say, I am likely gonna’ share some stuff and ramble esoterically.  

Update to Nighttime Routine
I shared before that we had a bedtime routine (108. Our “normal” evenings) where Kayla sleeps with Mike and me from Monday through Wednesday, and Mike sleeps with Kayla in her bed on Thursdays, and then with me in our bed from Friday to Sunday while Kayla sleeps alone.

We’ve changed that up.  Kayla only sleeps alone on Sunday’s, and on Monday’s she gets Mike by himself.  The rest of the week we all share the bed. And, instead of Mike going to sleep in Kayla’s bed, Kayla comes to our bed and I sleep in her bedroom by myself.

I mentioned before that originally I asked Mike to sleep in Kayla’s room on nights she had alone time with him as I wanted to stay in our bed.  My feeling at the time was that the bed represented something that was mine.  I know it sounds irrational.  Yes, sure, have sex with my husband in your room while I sleep alone in my room.  That’s totally cool!  But, you can’t have it in my room while I sleep in yours!  

I think it was an insecurity thing.  Whatever it was, Mike was agreeable and that was that, he would sleep in her room. Something eventually clicked in me where I saw the silliness of it all and told Mike that he should stay in our bed (it’s bigger and more comfortable) and Kayla and I would just swap rooms for her nights.  

I think the change for me was that a part of me felt threatened by her and that part no longer feels that way.  I look at her as part of Mike and I, and I don’t feel “less than” anytime she does something that puts her in a position of attention or special treatment from Mike, even if that attention or treatment comes at the expense of my own attention or treatment from Mike.   I love Mike and I love being with him any and all times. And I also love Kayla, and I know having one night together alone with Mike is special to her (because I get such a night myself and it is special to me).  I also know Mike enjoys it.  Ultimately, I don’t want to deny or minimize their night together by forcing it to be different, thus, I offered to sleep in her room on her nights with him.  

I get a triple dose of pleasure.  One dose is in the feeling of compersion that fills me when Mike is enjoying Kayla’s company, whether sexual or not.  The other is in that same feeling over Kayla enjoying Mike.  And the last dose is from doing something that submits to Mike’s enjoyment over mine.  

WHO HAS THE MOST SEX WITH MIKE?
Sister 2 asked me if Mike has more sex with Kayla than with me.  The answer is, he has a whole lot of sex with both of us, but overall, more with Kayla.  This shocked her and of course required an explanation for how I reconciled that in my mind.

Truth is, until she asked I hadn’t thought about it.  It simply was what it was.  It also depends on what you define as “sex.”  She certainly gives him way more head than me.  She really loves fellatio and admits to it, and she loves swallowing.  It really turns her on as she looks at it as a significant sign of submission.  She even sometimes has an orgasm while giving head – something I’ve never done.  I like giving head, she LOVES it. Of course Mike loves it too, so, why should I feel bad about letting the two of them do something they love?    

It has become sort of blasé.  I’ve walked into a room many times to find her on her knees going at it.  Or sometimes I am already in the room and Mike makes some subtle gesture to her and she promptly goes to town on him.  It can be in the middle of watching a show or even in the middle of a conversation we are having.  

Prompted by my sisters questions, I asked Mike and Kayla if they thought they had more sex together than Mike and I do.  They agreed that Kayla probably has more, but you have to put “more” in the right context.  Mike and I have a lot of sex.  It is not like we have it once a week and Mike and Kayla have it daily.  It is more like Mike and I have it 10-15 times a week and Kayla has it 15-20. (yes, Mike’s a busy guy!).  And again, I am putting all sexual acts under the category of “sex” and not just penis/vagina penetration.  

Suffice to say I am not left wanting.  Kayla is younger and has more sexual energy, and Mike loves it, so, let them have however much they want.  One thing that came from our discussion was that Mike observed the sex with Kayla is a bit rougher.  More from behind, more aggressive, more loud.  His comment was no surprise to any of us and Kayla and I agreed!  I’ve seen it and heard it plenty as most of the time I am there or nearby when they have sex.    

While a lot has changed since first embracing DD two years ago, and since Kayla moved in three months ago, the one thing that has not changed is that I enjoy the vulnerability of it all.  I’ve talked vulnerability before in 67. An Esoteric Ramble.  I re-read that post and all of that is still true.  I believe that greater vulnerability has led to even greater fulfillment which in turn has led to one significant change in our DD.  As I mentioned at the end of my last post, it is less about “Jenny style” and more about Mike.

When I first set about my DD journey, it was all about me and what I wanted.  In one of my early posts I wrote about it as being a surrender of myself, but a surrender on my terms. That is true.  Over time I found my greatest fulfillment was in doing things where Mike would ad-lib.  That is, he did things that were not explicitly permitted in our Contract. The contract allows him lots of discretion, but it also spelled out some specific things.  So it was really more about him using that discretion within the spirit of the Contract, versus doing something that was not allowed.   At first he was reluctant to show much discretion and tried to keep within the things that were explicitly agreed upon in advance.  In hindsight that was a very good thing as I don’t know if I was ready for much “discretion.” But over time he came to understand what I wanted and needed, as well as what he wanted and needed.  He has slowly showed more discretion and I am ready to serve him at his complete discretion now. 

Now, while our contract is not up for another year, I am already thinking ahead.  I know that our next version will be far more focused on what he wants than what I want.  We don’t have to wait for a contract to make that happen, but I’ve found that putting things down on paper help serve as cement on your own commitments.  It’s like the fact you don’t have to always tell your loved ones that you love them, but it sure goes a long way when you do!

In looking back on my DD journey I feel that all along I was on a path towards a greater submission to Mike, but Kayla has helped speed up my pace along that path.  Watching her submit and watching Mike be more of a Master than simply a Dom, has really excited me. While I don’t want the things that Kayla wants, I do want some of those things.  

Kayla is all-in on submitting to Mike.  Her latest contract was very short.  There wasn’t really much beyond her preamble of “I serve you and all your desires, no matter how silly, strange, or dark they may be.  I am at your command to do whatever, whenever, and with or to whomever, that you order.”   She had a few hard limits stated, but not many. 

I discovered that I was way more turned on than I thought when I watched Mike be Dominant, and there was some of that Dominance that I wanted directed at me.  I’ve shared this with Mike (as I share every thought and desire) and he has accommodated.  I guess in that way it is still DD Jenny Style, but that style is now based more on Mike’s whim.  I love that!  

NEXT: 128. Transforming through Journaling

 

121. Questioning my Kink – 20 Questions from Sis

Okay, it wasn’t 20 questions.  It also was my sisters, plural, not just one of them…just taking a bit of literary license with the title.

My sisters peppered me with a variety of questions and I thought their questions, and my answers, were worth sharing.  They didn’t ask me much when I first revealed my lifestyle to them (Post 116).  They’ve become curious now that they’ve had time to cogitate on it.

Before I get into that, a quick apology/clarification on my last post/rant.  I should have made it clear that I do consider myself a feminist AND further, a humanist.  In my mind, the former is a subset of the latter. You can be the former without being the latter, but you can never be the latter without being the former.   Okay, enough of that.    

So, here we go!  Questions from sis. . . 

What if Kayla gets a boyfriend/girlfriend?
The three of us have talked openly about this.  Nothing prevents Kayla from dating but she has made it clear she is not “in the market.”  She feels her relationship with us is the relationship she is in, she doesn’t want or need another.

We talked about how this could change and the potential challenges it could pose.  As we are required to be completely open and honest, that openness can be tricky.  How would it make Kayla feel if Mike or me (or both) did not like this person?  Would Kayla tell this person about her relationship with us, and if not, why not, and if so, at what point?  We aren’t looking for a fourth, but wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to it, but again, that could be awkward.  How would it make Kayla feel if we “rejected” this person she was attracted to?   Then there is the risk the partner would reject her when/if they were told about her relationship with us.  Then there is the issue of being confident that Kayla was practicing safe sex.

I am sure there are even more issues that would have to be addressed.  Suffice to say it gets complicated. It is good that the three of us have talked through these in advance, to the extent you can even anticipate the various complications.  I am not sure how serious Kayla took those conversations because in her mind she isn’t going to date.

What if people at Mike’s work found out?
 Mike and I have become very comfortable and confident with our lifestyle.  While we don’t publicize it and consider it private, we aren’t worried over who finds out. We have a “so what?” attitude about it now.

Kayla and Mike have gone out on dates, have held hands and even kissed in public (like a peck or typical PDA, not like a make out session).  They don’t overly flaunt it, but it is no different from when Mike and I are out together.  Even Kayla and I have held hands or give each other a peck on the lips while out in public.  At some point someone we know will see something.  Let their imaginations run wild!

What if Kayla’s parents found out?
We also talked about this.  You’ll find that there isn’t much that me, Mike, and Kayla haven’t discussed.  I mentioned before I am a bit obsessed with setting expectations and part of that is talking through the various situations we could face in the future.  While you can never anticipate all the turns in life, nor anticipate how you will feel and react when they are real and not just hypothetical, let alone guarantee your feelings won’t change between now and then, it is still helpful to talk them through when they are just hypothetical.  

Kayla feels the chances are that at some point they will find out, probably hearing from someone who saw something in public like I mentioned before.  That is the primary reason she does try to be discreet and not overly flaunt it in public, but at the same time, she will still hold hands with one of us at times, or even give a quick kiss in public.  She is comfortable just telling them it is her life.  She would tell them she isn’t going to discuss her choices.  As for us, we are prepared to do the same.  

What if Kayla tells everyone?
I mentioned this before in a prior blog where Kayla has confided in a friend of hers, with our consent.  That has actually changed in that we have told Kayla she is free to tell whomever she wishes, we just want to know who she tells.    She has since shared it with her circle of friends.

Kayla has found a lot of strength and confidence from being able to share it with her friends.  Explaining it to them, much like me explaining it to my sisters, is a reaffirming thing.  It feels good to verbalize and share, with pride and not shame, what is deeply important to us.    

What about when Kayla leaves?
We have talked about the fact that we are “Mr and Mr. Right-Now” for Kayla, and that we don’t look at this as a lifelong commitment.  However, we aren’t opposed to that either and leave it up to Kayla to indicate when she is ready to take on a new chapter in her life.  Kayla said that emotionally she can’t ever imagine leaving, but philosophically thinks that once she finishes grad school (spring or fall of 2019), she can better assess her needs and plans for the future.   She reiterates that her feelings right now are such that it hurts her to even think about leaving.  We feel the same way.  Mike and I truly love her.  We love what she adds to our household, our relationship, our family.  There is so much more to it than the DD, D/s, and sex.  

What if someone gets physically hurt?
The “kink” life can be a contact sport for sure.  Accidents can happen. I’ve shared an extremely deep bruising I got in Post 52. The Spanking that Keeps Giving.  There’s also been the occasional bump on the head, redness or soreness from a restraint (ankles or wrists), or rawness/extreme sensitivity of genitals or breasts.  And not so much for Kayla, but for us nearing 50, there is the occasional joint or muscle pain after a particularly contorted and demanding activity.   Other than those things, I don’t think we do anything that is extreme enough that it risks injury that would require medical attention.

The key is communicating needs, limits, and how you are feeling.  If something is sore from the day before, you say something.   Of course, if someone were seriously injured, it makes no difference if it were the result of TTWD or just a more typical household accident.  We’d seek appropriate treatment. 

What’s it like?
More specifically, sis asked what it was like being in a three-way relationship.  This is the type of question you can’t really answer to someone’s satisfaction.  

I told her, “You know what it is like to be in your relationship with your husband?   Well, it’s like that.”

I told her there is a lot of mundane and normal stuff that you have in any relationship.  Being submissive is more than a role in the bedroom.  It is a day-to-day, moment to moment mind-set.  And being in this “triad” with Kayla is no different.  It is more than what we do in the bedroom.  It is the day to day, moment to moment interactions that we value the most.  And what those interactions like?  Well, they are like the normal interactions my sister has with her husband.   

Having said that, we clearly have more sexual energy and emotional openness than most relationships.   We spend a lot of time on understanding and reacting to the needs of each other.  I told my sisters that this should be the norm, but unfortunately, typically isn’t for most people. Most relationships lack the proper degree of willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Not so with a DD, and not so with polyamory.

I told them that the secret DD revealed to me is that your willingness to be vulnerable to your partner is directly related to your fulfillment in that relationship.  I’ve posted about vulnerability before.  My favorite is a reblog I did on Post 68. REBLOG: To fall in love anyone, do this.

What kind of equipment or toys did you buy?
That was easy, I told them next time they were over to the house I would show them. I’ve shared a post on my first “shopping spree,” (Post 41. Christmas in July ), but we have continued to make frequent purchases and have a large assortment of stuff.  Kayla has a chest in her room that is her personal choices.  

Of course I followed my answer with, “Why are you asking?  Looking for recommendations?” She slyly said, “Maybe, maybe not.” 

You are okay with Mike having sex with Kayla?
Yes. And he is okay with me having sex with her too.  

What do you enjoy the most?
I told her this was another question without a definitive answer, no more than if I asked her what she enjoyed the most about her marriage.  It is basically the same things about feeling fulfilled.  It is that feeling that is the most enjoyable.  Of course, how I get that feeling is very different from how she gets it.  So the question really is, what activities give me the greatest fulfillment. 

That’s tough to answer.  It isn’t about one thing or one action.  As far as my submissiveness, it is about the full package of being submissive.  I think I summed it up best in Post 30. I found my thrill. I did my best to share those sentiments to her.  I finally just decided to tell her about this blog and told her to read for herself.  (Yikes, maybe that wasn’t a good idea, but too late, my sisters now know of my blog). 

What, you blog about this?
My sisters were dismayed that I blog about this.  I told them it provides sufficient anonymity and it serves as a tremendous affirmation for me.   She countered with my prior statement of being comfortable with people finding out, so why the anonymity.  I told her again I consider this private, and being comfortable with people finding out whatever bit or piece they discover is way different from publicizing all the details that can be shared with a click of the button.  

I’ve been very tempted to share more about myself, pictures, etc.  Mike is totally against this and, while tempted, I too wouldn’t want to do that (yet).  Mike has a total “social media” ban on any salacious pictures of any of us or even non-salacious ones that tie us to TTWD.   I had to agree to that in order to have his permission to blog.    And Mike has access to my email, blog, and all social media so he is able to check up on me.  He knows I have a tendency to overshare, just as I did by telling my sisters of my blog.  

Why don’t I consider this abuse? 
Sis, it is all about consent and intention!  Without those it is absolutely abuse.  DD or D/s or anything we regard as kink is not one-sided exploitation when there is consent and the right intentions.   

Well isn’t this all so nice for Mike? (said sarcastically)
Yes, it is, but don’t think it is easy.  A submitted wife requires a committed husband, and a submitted person requires a committed dom.  These are equally important responsibilities. By equal, I don’t mean “the same.”  It means that the whole thing falls apart if one of us fails in our responsibilities.  But to really answer your question, absolutely, it is very nice for Mike, and that gives me immense pleasure.

Other questions
My sisters also asked questions that I covered in Post 98. Three’s Company Housekeeping.

Their questions were delivered with some skepticism, but were non-judgmental. There was never a “How could you?”  They were truly curious, and remain so, regarding how I got to this point.  They know me well enough to know I have thought through all the angles.  I shared with them that while I put a lot of thought into our journey into DD, almost from the moment I considered it, I knew it was right for me.  

Last question…
Do you have regrets about this?
No, and further, I still have that same enthusiasm today as I had when my journey started. And while my enthusiasm hasn’t waned, my appreciation as increased.  I think of the path my life was on pre-DD and know that there was no way I could be as happy and as fulfilled as I am as a submitted wife.  The relationships with John and Donna, and of course with Kayla, are unexpected and joyful additions to that journey. 

NEXT: 122. Mischievous Mike and the Little Girl

 

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55. Agreement vs. Acceptance: A Spanking disagreement

I hope you enjoyed the prior post.  It was fun to write but it is still not in my nature to share such stories.  I don’t dislike writing about details of sexual adventures, it is only that I don’t have this compelling urge to share such details.  It was still fun!

Getting back to what’s going on regarding my DD and my submission. . .

I have finally come down a bit from my “submissive high.”  I am still getting a lot done every day and am enjoying every moment, but the fever pace I initially went at it has subsided.   Partly because there is less to do – you can only scrub some things so many times.  Our house is immaculate, I feel great, Mike feels like a god (or at least he better, j/k), and our son is doing well.   No complaints.   Well, okay, maybe one.

I got a punishment that I really didn’t like.  Not because the actual punishment itself, although it was not particularly enjoyable, but the reasons for getting it.  I don’t think I ever disagreed with Mike’s reasoning for spanking me as strongly as I disagreed with this one.

Agreement versus Acceptance
Just a quick submissive check — While I don’t agree with Mike I am not feeling any resentment.  I accept Mike’s verdict and accept all the consequences that come with it.   That still doesn’t mean I agree with it.  Not sure what the Submissive Rules Committee would think about that, but for me, I believe I can be submissive and not agree with something as long as I still accept it.  Acceptance is not agreement.

Agreement would mean I have to adopt the same perspective as Mike.  I believe I can be fully submissive and still disagree.  My perspective will never be the same as Mike’s.   It is obviously a hell of a lot more aligned with his than it was in my pre-DD and pre-submissive days, but it won’t ever be the same.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to feel all warm and fuzzy.  It means I accept his perspective is valid, even if not aligned with mine.  I accept that his perspective can be different than mine without invalidating my perspective.  I also accept I do not need to prove his perspective is invalid, nor he mine.  Acceptance is not Agreement, nor more than oneness is not sameness.  There I go again with that U2 lyric. . . “we are one, but not the same….” I think I’ve quoted that three or four times now on different posts.  I digress.

Disagreement
I don’t mean that I would display disagreement such as verbally or behaviorally.  I would never do that.  I just mean inside my head, in my own thoughts, I can definitely disagree in the moment, while at the same time accepting the situation in a submissive state.  Our Maintenance Session will give me an opportunity to seek understanding and seek to be understood.  As that is two days away, that gives me time to vent a little here and get my thoughts together for what I want to say.

What happened is rather trivial, which is one of the reasons it irks me.  The specifics don’t matter, but suffice to say Mike was explaining something to me.  It was very unclear to me what he was saying and instead of asking for clarification, I stated a particular conclusion that seemed logical to me based on what I understood.  Mike basically said no, that conclusion was incorrect and again explained the situation to me.   He was nice and it was a normal conversation at this point.  Basically the same thing happened and I restated the same conclusion that apparently didn’t jive with what he was explaining.  Now things escalated a bit.  This went another round with the same outcome.   Escalate some more.

Now this is definitely one of those stupid petty arguments about nothing.   I use the word argument even though we didn’t get loud.  But it was clear we were both getting irritated.  Mike was explaining the same thing over and over, from the beginning, and I kept coming back with the same “incorrect” conclusion.   He finally just said, “That’s it, drop your pants.”

This occurred during the day and our son was over at a friend’s.  We were in an area of the house where we have this arched entry way that transitions from the kitchen to a short hallway that leads to our front living room and entry way.   There are several windows in the living room and around the front door and the blinds were open.

Mike told me to get completely naked, so I did.  Until then all “immediate spankings” required me to drop my pants, get a fast paced spanking, and then pull them up.  “Shock and awe” as we call it.  But Mike was frustrated, and I guess it felt better for him to have me get naked.  He told me to put my arms out and lean against each side of the arch way, so one hand was on the left side of the arch way and one hand was on the right and I was leaning just slightly forward.  I felt very exposed even though I know it is difficult, but not impossible, for people to see in and I could clearly see out.

Mike pulled his belt out and gave me 30 and had me count them all out.  He asked me why I received the “Reward”, which is per our “reward ceremony.”  I wasn’t exactly sure how to best phrase it.  I felt like saying, “Because you are irritated with me.”  I thought better and went with, “Because I have frustrated you sir, by not understanding what you have repeated to me over and over and I clearly began irritating you with my tone.”

“Yes,” he said, “and we are going to do this over as well.”  He gave me another 30.   I was crying a bit at the end, something I don’t often do.  It was due to the emotions I was feeling, not any pain I was feeling.  I really felt the spanking was out of line, but I did not object.

He then said, “And since I am in a repeating mode, let me repeat that again.” He gave me 20.

Seek to understand before being understood
He then said, “Let’s try again.”  He again explained what it was he was trying to explain to me.  This time, I sought to understand him, versus seeking to be understood.  I simply asked him, “if x and y occurred, I am not understanding why it is that z isn’t possible.”    “Aha!” he said.  “You weren’t understanding me.  I never said x and y occurred, I said if either x OR y occurred, then….”

Doh!  Basically, although each time he was prefacing his statement with “x OR y”, I kept hearing it as “x AND y”.   Thus, I kept coming to the wrong conclusion.   The actual issue was a bit more complex than that, but this was the easiest way for me to explain it.  It all hinged on me not hearing one key word he was saying.  Even though he was saying it, I was processing it in my head as something else.  Basically, it was all just a trivial thing that was stupid to escalate into what it did.

We followed our Aftercare process and all was forgiven.   I got dressed and the afternoon continued.

So my disagreement is that it appears to me that Mike used a punishment in anger or frustration.  Not only in the fact he spanked me, but in the manner he did it.  One of our tenants is not to give a punishment in anger.  I’ve mentioned before that Mike is a sweet guy and mild mannered.  Not to say he has never been mad at me before, but this seemed outside what we both have agreed to in our D/s dynamic.   It is clearly outside our DD contract.

I can’t simply dismiss it as doing so can lay the ground work for it to be repeated.   Plus, as long as it bothers me I am compelled to share it.  That is part of our agreement – in fact, it is one of the best parts of our agreement.  Share what is on your mind – respectfully!   We obviously need to talk about it.  I’ve surrendered a lot to him.  I am so happy with how Mike has taken to his dominant role, but as the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility.  He must wield it appropriately.

I look upon this incident like any other “bump” in the road.  I don’t dwell on the bump and instead look upon it as an opportunity to increase our shared understanding around what we expect and need from each other in our relationship.   I am sure we’ll have a meaningful and positive Maintenance Session on Sunday.

I am excited about tomorrow night and know that on Sunday I can seek to understand and be understood and put this stupid incident behind us!  I’ll let you know what happens both about tomorrow night with John and Donna and about discussing this punishment with Mike.

NEXT: 56. Family Time, Adult Time, and Easy like a Sunday Morning