I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge. This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well. Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.
This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.
What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail? F*ck-buddies? Would she partake as a submissive? It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well? What would that be like? These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.” And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so. While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle. The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part. Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.
And, just what kind of relationship would this be? I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?
Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy. I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.
Waves of Resentment.
- I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game. I resent all of that.
- What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
- Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
- Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses? It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!
Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us? See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.
I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried. Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional. I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it. I know my tone was somewhat biting. I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.
All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers. Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.” But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.
Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us? In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.
We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so. I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem. But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners. So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses. Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback. That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.
While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous. And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts. Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.
All these bad feelings.
Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings. I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do. I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla. If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.
Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.
Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings. That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit. Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.
One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her? She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better. I hope that for myself as well.