305. Lectures. Let the expletives fly!?

Adding to my blogging distractions is that I am volunteering again at an animal rescue and rehab.   I’ve done this off and on in the past, and have started again with some fervor.  I’ve been going several times a week and sometimes on the weekend.    Of course, I have to complete all my chores still, but a little re-arranging of the schedule, with Mike’s approval, makes it all work. 

I think I needed some different “me” time.  It can’t all just be masturbation and blogging (not that I’ve let my volunteering keep me from the former, hee-hee).   In addition, I’ve got some new friends with whom I’ve been spending some time with.  Not a lot of time (and nothing sexual), but enough to further reduce my internet time.  I am anxious to write about them as there is a kink element to things.   But I first want to share something that has come up as part of our changes to our current Agreement set to expire in about a month.  

Codifying your expectations with your spouse is such an amazing experience.  Whether or not those expectations resemble DD, D/s, or strictly vanilla, it is an incredible experience that everyone should do.  Imagine the benefits of a scheduled and focused opportunity to reflect and share your hopes and desires, both for yourself, for the other, and collectively for your relationship.  The word “amazing” doesn’t do it justice.    

Our renegotiation is also an opportunity to think about any changes we’d like to see.  One of the things that came to mind for me was that I would like Mike to be more harsh with his lectures. 

EARLY YEARS OF DD
Wow.  We’ve been doing this for four years now, so I can start to think in terms of “early” and “later” years of my journey.   That sound so cool to me!   I had no idea when I started if this was truly a lifestyle for me or just a phase.

For the first two years of our DD journey, lecturing wasn’t a “thing” for us.  Mike might have made a brief statement about what I did, but it was far short of an actual lecture or scolding.  As part of our last contract (Oct 2017), I asked, and Mike agreed, to take on the responsibility to lecture me as part of my discipline.

At first,  a good scolding could sometimes bring me to tears, even before the spanking.  Not so much anymore.  Not because Mike’s lecture skills are lacking, but, after two years, it’s hard to not sound routine or predictable.  Also, Mike takes care to never come close to sounding demeaning.  It can be a fine line between humbling someone and humiliating them, or shaming them versus degrading them.   Every morning I remind us both of this via my Morning Mantra.

The challenge is the line between those things is indeed fine.  It can even move depending on context and mood.   Clearly, there are those that find my entire dynamic humiliating and degrading, unfair, and unhealthy.  And like many “lines,” you sometimes don’t know where they are until you actually cross them.   You sometimes don’t know your acceptable limits until you’ve breached them.   

We’ve found our limits with the physical discipline and other aspects of my submission.  Our annual Immersion is one way we test and explore limits.  We also have simply talked to make sure we stay calibrated in the level of discipline that feeds and fulfills my submission while also being fulfilling to Mike.  But — we seemed to left out doing this with lectures.   

The lectures I’ve received from Mike have always been more fact-based — You did x, you should know better…”  Also, he tends to position his words as failures in meeting my own expectations…”You know you want to be better than that.”   Some of that is baggage from our early-DD days where I needed the discipline to be focused on what was important to me.  It was my-DD, my way.

It was only through the recent discussions that we had this collective epiphany regarding lectures.   Our last renegotiation was very much about formally moving our DD from DD that is MINE towards being DD that is FOR ME; however, we didn’t really do that with the lectures. 

I think that is because the lectures were a new topic for us.  I’ve realized that when we are trying something new regarding TTWD,  I need to feel more in control and for it to be about being MINE before I am comfortable giving Mike free rein to determine what is FOR ME.    Yes, I’ve said it before, at my core, I am a bit selfish, which may be surprising to hear from a submissive.  It’s time to put the “lecture” into the same realm as we’ve put the other aspects of TTWD.   I shared with Mike that I would like him to feel completely unrestrained in his scolding of me.  Let the expletives fly!   

Just kidding.  Mike is not really much of a cusser, but the point is, I want him to feel free to take it where he wants.  My more specific request is to make it more about him – his disappointment and his expectations, than about mine.  And sure, he can test the waters with some more derogatory terms and expletives if it suits him.   It won’t be entirely new to him. He’s always been more stern in his lectures with Kayla.  I’ve used that as a baseline and suggested, “Similar to your lecturing Kayla, but push it little further.”

MIKE’S RESPONSE
Mike was supportive, as he always is with “Jen’s craziness.”   But he did share that of all the things in our DD journey, he found the lecture to be difficult for him.   

It took him a little time to adjust to spanking me and disciplining me in general, but he believes the lecture is a unique disciplining tool.  He said,

“With a spanking, it is easy to understand and learn how to avoid crossing over from a bruise to a wound.  But with words?  It is difficult to know which ones may be bruising and which ones may be wounding.” 

He added, “Unlike a spanking, where there are visible marks or body flinching or other signs that it is too much, what of a harsh scolding?”

He also pointed out the emotional component was very different.  Physical discipline, or even the non-physical things such as corner time, writing lines, or loss of privileges – have an element of emotion, but words… they are 100% emotional.  As such, a scolding can be a land mine where a bruise suddenly becomes a wound. 

WHAT WE AGREED
Mike made the observation that we need to treat a scolding just like a spanking or other forms of discipline.  That is, I have safe words to use.  “Yellow” if I need him to pause or “Red” if I need him to stop.   

Also, we have some PUAT coming up.   What’s that?  It’s Prolonged Uninterrupted Adult Time.   Think of it as an opportunity for a mini-Immersion.   T1 offered to have J stay with them a few days during spring break.  J loves spending time on their farm and has E’s cousin’s and their kids to hang with.  The farm is becoming a bit of a second home for J.   And it isn’t just because he gets to spend time with L (the daughter of E’s cousin, who lives next door).  Although I suspect that’s a part of it. 

Okay, so PUAT will be in just two weeks.  So while we will crank up various aspects of TTWD, we will also push and explore boundaries regarding the verbal scoldings.  So indeed, let the expletives fly!  hee-hee.

Next: 306. Cuck, Swinging, and NRE. HUH???

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.  I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.  It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.  It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.  My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.   We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.  Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.  I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.  

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.  It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.  I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136. 

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric – but I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.  It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.  

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?  The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.  People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.  So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity. 

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.  I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.  But I am saying their relationships with their husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).   And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.  Then let the conversation go from there.  I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.  If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.  So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?   More on that in a bit. 

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.  Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).  Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).  So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?   Oh!  It is about finding what it needs to be successful.  How do you do that?  It’s a learning process.  So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.  Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.  Nothing really selfish in that.  That is relationship 101.  Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.   Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.  In order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.  It is through that emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.  It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.    

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it – that is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.   And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?   That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?  To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.  Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.  You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.  So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.   Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.  This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.  

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?  Why stop there.  A fifth?  Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.  I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.  I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”  Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,  Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”    I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”  Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.  

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?   Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla

178. Embracing Shame

I posted before about how Kayla’s submission is different from mine (Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style).  I thought I’d revisit this as I’ve been thinking about the feelings I get versus the feelings she gets from being submissive and from being disciplined.  Writing about this then morphed into something a little different.  It led me to dive more deeply into my feelings, more specifically, my feelings of shame, and why I embrace that feeling.  Hey’s it’s been awhile since I’ve had an esoteric ramble.  Indulge me! 

Words won’t tell the complete story because words carry different meanings for each of us.  Whatever words I use will probably be taken to mean something different by some of you, and those differences may be small, or may be large.  Overall I would say Kayla’s submission has more “grit” to it than mine.  The discipline she receives is more harsh than mine.  I am tempted to use words like demeaning or humiliating but I know Kayla does not see it that way.  She likes to frame it as her finding growth, healing, and thus ultimately satisfaction, in feelings of shame and embarrassment in front of Mike.  She does not label what she feels as feelings of being demeaned or humiliated.

It made me think more deeply about the differences between humiliation and shame and led me to further embrace shame. 

HUMILIATE VS HUMBLE
Humiliation connotes disgrace or disrepute.  It infers feelings that clearly cross over from simple humility into, well, into humiliation.  But, the definition of humiliation includes “shame,” and “embarrassment.”   Hum. . . the exact words Kayla uses to define her feelings on being disciplined.

This just underscores for me that words are power and the same word can mean different things to different people.  It would be easy for me to label what she goes through as “humiliation” and while many of the feelings she gets fit that definition, she would never describe it that way.  Interesting.  And I am sure some of you would label what I go through as “humiliation” and I would never describe it that way.  Interesting indeed!

I know some of you may be like me and view humiliation as a more intense and unpleasant version of humility.  Other may see them as essentially identical, so much so you may be fine with exploring deeper and deeper senses of humiliation.   Nothing wrong with that, but that’s not me.  But, it does seem to be more to Kayla’s liking.

DEGRADE VERSUS SHAME
Clearly humiliation and shame are at least cousins, if not siblings.  They come from similar places but carry a different meaning.   And what “humiliation” is to “humbled,” I think “degrading” is to “shame.”  The definition of degrading also includes the word shame and humiliation. So again, in a lot of ways all these words are the same — but yet different.  The difference is in degrees as measured by each individual person.   To me, being degraded is like humiliation and shame on steroids.  To others, simply being made to feel shameful could be considered degrading.

One of my feelings during discipline is a feeling of shame.  Shame for my behavior and a keen awareness of my guilt.  I often think that is why discipline is so effective.   The various negative feelings anyone may have about their behavior is often locked up deep inside, behind their pride and arrogance.  Unlocking those feelings often require more than just a talk.  Domestic Discipline helps unlock those feelings.  More precisely, the shame that discipline evokes helps unlock and purge those feelings.

CRYING
Here was an interesting connection for me.  Kayla said the likelihood and degree of her crying during discipline correlates to the degree of shame and embarrassment she was feeling.  I sort of knew this, but never fully connected that.  When she said it, I immediately recognized that I feel exactly the same way!   While the actual physical pain might be part of any crying, it is more about the emotional release of the guilt through the shame.  Very much the reason I cried during the last spanking I shared.  The more shame I feel, the more likely I am to cry.

Both Kayla and I agreed that embarrassment also plays a small part in the “cry factor.”  The first ten times or so of being disciplined carried a lot of “embarrassment” factor, thus more tears.  Likely from a combination of nervousness from uncertainty along with the embarrassment from the vulnerability of being naked.  Of course, then there is the whole feeling of knowing you are going to be spanked.  There is still the occasional feeling of embarrassment when we do something particularly bad.  For me it is more likely to come with a repeated offense.

I have evolved in my submission where I feel greater absolution, greater nourishment, greater release of negative thoughts, a greater connection with Mike, a greater connection with who I want to be — all through feeling ashamed of my behavior or attitude.  I believe this is why I evolved from needing Mike to “correct me” when I failed myself, i.e., “My DD,” to needing him to do so when I fail him, i.e., “DD for me.” (Post 167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me”).  Further, it is why I wanted him to make lecturing or scolding me a regular part of my Discipline.  For me, it carries more shame to fail him than it does to fail myself.  Through that shame, I heal, I improve, I achieve, I love.

Any discipline I receive is a process that leads, sometimes painfully, to the point of awakening my sense of shame.  And the greater my shame, the greater the tears.  Discipline as a deterrent is not just about the unpleasantness of being spanked , it is about the even greater unpleasantness of being made to feel ashamed of my actions.

NUDITY
Thought I’d comment on this since I mentioned it as part of the “embarrassment” factor.  It goes beyond just embarrassment.  Heck, my husband has seen me naked countless times.  It is not about shame regarding my body.  Far from it.  It is about vulnerability.  We are naturally more humbled when we feel vulnerable, thus it feeds into the feeling of humbleness (or humiliation if you prefer).

Oh – nudity, at least being bare-bottom at a minimum, also serves a functional purpose in discipline.  It is wise for the Dom to be able to see the results of what they are doing so as not to inflict unintended injury.

LECTURING
In the past, Mike did not lecture or scold me during Discipline.  Sometimes he would say something briefly about what I did, but it didn’t amount to scolding.  I wanted to add this to our dynamic and Mike readily agreed.  While I have yet to experience it, I am more afraid of my first lecture than I am of my next spanking.   It makes my stomach turn to knots and I can almost cry just thinking about it.

I can imagine his lecturing will make it painfully clear (as in emotionally painful) that I let myself and him down.  That he must take and is willing to take this drastic action because he loves me and knows it is for my own good.  I know he prefers not to spank me, but his greatest preference is to not encourage my misbehavior.  He has that preference because he loves me and he knows it is also my preference.  Just thinking about all of this makes me want to cry – and then you add the physical discipline to it.   Yikes!

DISCIPLINE CEREMONY
I thought it would be helpful to add this.  I think having a Discipline Ceremony also feeds into my sense of shame.  You can read about our Ceremony in our Contract.  Having to remain silent, having to collect the implement, having to stand in the corner, having to assume whatever position he asks,  or whatever else is expected of me during the Discipline — all have a humbling, thus shameful impact on me.

Shame from the Ceremony.   Shame from Nudity.  Shame from Physical Discipline.  I am accustomed to those.  Now, we have Shame from Lecturing.  I talked with Mike and forewarned him I may cry like never before the first time I have to be Disciplined under our newest agreement.   I don’t want him to be caught off guard by it or misinterpret it.

I embrace shame.  I embrace it as my healer, as my absolution, as my willingness to submit to Mike.

NEXT: 179. Kayla’s Social Life

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS. 

 In their minds, submission is

• degrading
• unfair
• unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking