345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

Picking up where we left off . . .

Jen:  So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

Kayla:  It’s great, it’s plentiful, it’s great, it’s adventurous, it’s great, it’s fun, it’s great.  Did I say that it was great?  I enjoy sex.  I enjoy being sexual, and I enjoy that Mike enjoys all of that from me.  I am eager to please him in all ways, and sex is just one more way.

Jen: How adventurous were you before our relationship?  Tell us something about your first time and any other notable experiences before we so thoroughly corrupted you.

Kayla:  Maybe I was the one that thoroughly corrupted you?

Jen:  Touche’.

Kayla:  Let’s see. My first girl experience wasn’t much.  I kissed a girl when I was a freshman in high school.  She was a senior.  We kissed and rubbed each other over our clothing, but it didn’t go any further.  We did it a couple of times but then she got scared and said she wanted to stop.

I was fine with that.  I had my reservations and wasn’t bummed out by her wanting to stop, but I would have taken things as far as she was willing.  I didn’t think of myself as bisexual or gay.  I loved guys.  It was more like I was experimenting with a friend.  But the thoughts of sex with another girl didn’t turn me off, but it didn’t turn me on like guys did.

My earliest sexual experience – outside of touching myself or the “towel“ fun I previously mentioned – was when I was in middle school.  Seventh grade.  That would make me 12 or maybe I had turned 13.  How much detail do you want?  I could probably give you enough for an entire post.   I’ll cut to the chase.  It was in a treehouse with an older boy.  A freshman in high school, so like 15.  Really big stuff for someone in seventh grade.   Anyway, the short of it is that I got naked for him and let him touch, I then got dressed and he got naked for me and let me touch.  My first handjob.  And he came!   Success!  Ha.

We never got together after that.   Funny aside but he later came out as gay.  So I guess I was so bad I turned him gay?  And also, since we didn’t mess around after that one incident, maybe it counts as my first one night stand (laughing).

Jen?  Your first one-nighter?  So there were more?

Kayla:  Uh… no actually.  Oh, wait, one.  Yeah, and that one I don’t even remember his name.  I was about 19 or 20 and it was at a party.   And that was a for-real one-nighter.  Live and learn.

Jen:  And your first time having sex?

Kayla:  I was 16. He was 19.  I met him at a church retreat, but my first time didn’t leave me screaming, “Oh, God!”  (laughing).

The retreat was in the woods and there were a bunch of cabins.  He was one of the “counselors”  and, me being me, I befriended the older crowd who were all the counselors.  I was attracted to him and the short story is that he led me off to some unused cabins far from the main area and we had sex.   He brought a condom, so in hindsight, he was totally prepared.  I knew as we were walking there that we were going to mess around, but I didn’t think we would have sex.

Jen:  Why do you think you weren’t thinking of sex?

Kayla:  Inexperienced I guess.  But it wasn’t like I thought we weren’t going to have sex.  I just didn’t evaluate the situation one way or the other.  It was like, “Yea, this ‘man’ wants to fool around with me.”

I had boyfriends and had kissed and touched and been touched before.  But it was always up to the guy regarding how far things went.  I was always pretty passive.  I wanted to please and was too afraid to make a move they didn’t want. I figured if they wanted it, they would, well, it sounds bad, but, just take it.  Not in a rough way, but just, well, initiate it.  Maybe that’s a better word.  Initiate it.  Yes, much better.  Initiate, not take.  I have never felt someone “took” something sexually from me.  I’ve been fortunate that I have always been in a position to freely give, but they had to initiate.

Jen:  Going back to that experience in the treehouse, did he initiate it?

Kayla:  Oh, he did, for sure.  But I was for sure cool with it.  I wanted to please, even then.  And he sort of jokingly said something like, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”  That’s all it took.  I was like, “Okay.”  He said, “You first.”  I took my shirt off.  Very compliant. In hindsight I could have just snickered and said, “You wish” and that would have been the end of it.  But I am glad I didn’t.  I don’t regret the experience.

Jen:   What was that first time in the cabin like?

Kayla:  The guy was nice.  He wasn’t aggressive but didn’t have to be.  I didn’t resist anything, but he was clearly the initiator.  He totally pulled my pants and panties off, and after some foreplay, he pulled his pants down and well, did the deed.  My mind was not into the sexual pleasure of it.  I mean, parts of it felt good but my mind wondered and focused on the parts that were a bit uncomfortable or mundane. 

I was feeling some new sensations in my vagina and some nice swirls in my belly, but what I remember thinking of the most was the floor and the ceiling.  Yep.  Floor and ceiling, not fireworks and over the top passion.  It was an older unused cabin.  The planks that made up the floor were very rough, I kept thinking, “I am going to get a splinter!”   And I remember the ceiling.  I can picture it today.  Old planks of wood with occasional water stains.   No denying it,  I was not that into the sex and it was more like he was having sex with me than I with him.  He didn’t mind.

It seemed like he lasted a long time.  I would think about what I was feeling down there…combination of discomfort and delight…then think about the floor that was scratching my back, then think about the ceiling – almost like looking at clouds and imagine a bunny or funny face.  I was doing that with the water stains.   OH, and then back to the feeling between my legs for a moment, then back to staring at the ceiling.  As he got close I started to focus on his breathing.  I liked that part more than anything.  He let out the cutest noises that got louder and louder.  I didn’t fully understand it but knew that it was a sign he was enjoying it.  I liked that part more than anything.  Then he came.

Jen:  Did you go off to the cabins with him again after that.

Kayla:  Yes.  Twice more.  Also, it became the first time I gave and received oral sex.   He went down on me and afterward asked if I wanted to go down on him.  Again, that’s all I needed.  I was totally compliant as long as I didn’t have to initiate stuff.  He asked.  That was good enough for me.   I mean, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to have to initiate it. I know that was the insecurity in me.  I felt I didn’t deserve to ask or to presume he wanted what I wanted.  I only wanted to do what he wanted to do, so all he had to do was ask.

Jen: And your initial thoughts about oral sex?

Kayla:  Receiving?  Loved it.  I mean, really loved it.  No thoughts of the floor or ceiling during that.  He made me have an orgasm.  And while it felt incredible for me, I remember how happy it made him.  As someone who wanted to please, in my mind, I was like, “Oh, I get it.  I need to orgasm to make him that happy.”

At that point,  I think it was important to my psyche that my sexual pleasure was about the other person and not about me.  I told myself that my orgasms were for him.   In reality, believe me, they felt good to me.  I enjoyed them and wanted more of them, whether with a guy or by myself.  But I think at that point in my maturity I couldn’t admit that I owned my sexual desires or pleasure.  Maybe it was guilt or shame?  Not sure, but the way I reconciled my reluctance to accept my sexual desires was to rationalize they weren’t for me but for the person I was with.  I think that’s how I started finding my joy through their joy.

Jen: And what about giving oral sex?

Kayla:  As I said, he had to ask – but only had to ask once!  (laughing)

I remember that pretty vividly too.   If he loved my orgasm from eating me out, he took it to another level when I gave him head.  And his reaction during it all was totally turning me on.  I didn’t have an orgasm but I remember being very turned on after he finally came.  I was as out of breath as he was and I was wanting to go again.  I think if he lasted a little longer I would have cum.  To this day I’ve always been orgasmic when giving head.

Jen: So did you swallow?

Kayla: Yes.  I didn’t even think of it as an option.  I mean, I guess I would have spit it out if it had tasted gross.  It was fine and went right down.  No big deal.  In hindsight, he either didn’t cum a lot or it just slid right down.  The swallowing seemed uneventful at the time.

Jen:  What was your biggest takeaway from your cabin experience regarding your sexual evolution?  Any regrets?

Kayla:  Biggest take-ways from the camp were – Oral sex?  Totally rocks.  Penis-in-vagina?  Over-hyped.  But the most significant takeaway is that I actually had the ability to make someone feel that good and that someone could also take pleasure in me feeling that good.   No regrets.  He was a good guy to lose my virginity to.

Jen:  Interesting.  Even now you explain it in a way that is very focused on the other person.  Your ability to make THEM feel good.  THEIR finding pleasure in your feeling good.  All seem like submissive thinking.

Kayla:  Totally.  As I said, I was very compliant.  I was fortunate I generally hung around decent people.  Any of the guys, from the treehouse to the cabin, to first girl-on-girl kiss, could have asked me to do anything and I would have complied.   In reflection, it is easy to joke about, but no joke, I am lucky.  I don’t think I was ready for anything beyond what actually took place in each of those situations.  Of course, in hindsight, I think they weren’t either, which is why things happened the way they did.

Jen:  What of your first time with a woman, beyond the kissing and over the clothes stuff.

Kayla:  Shouldn’t I share my first threesome experience with two guys? I mean, if we are going about this chronologically?

Jen:   I don’t think my readers would object.  Do tell

Kayla: I was 17 and was dating a 20-year-old.  I met him in high school and he went on to college.  He seemed like a “man” and it was a big deal that I was dating someone in college.   We were having sex pretty regularly and all was good on that front.  His brother was my age and in my grade.   I was talking with my boyfriend and he told me his brother was a virgin.  I said something like, “maybe I could hook him up.”  My boyfriend said, “You’d do that for him?”  I was puzzled and was like, “Sure, why not.  He’s cute, he looks like you.”  My boyfriend then said, “Can I watch?” I was like, “What? Wait?  Watch what?”

Then it got awkward.  I had said, “Maybe I could hook him up,” which I meant to mean maybe I could find him a girlfriend.  But my boyfriend thought he heard me say, “Maybe I can hook up?”  which he interpreted as me saying, “Maybe I can hook up with your brother?”

Again, being the pleaser I was, and not finding the prospects the least bit objectionable, after a good laugh I told my boyfriend that if he wanted me to, I would do that.    Turned out that for my first time with his brother it was just me and the brother, no one watching.  But the next time it was all three of us — and no one was just just watching!  Yep, I had a threesome with two brothers.

Jen:  Was it a recurring thing?

Kayla:  No.  The threesome was just that one time.  But I did have sex with the brother again. That’s another story, but the short of it is that I bet I was the last girlfriend he shared with his brother (laughing).

Jen: What of your first time with a woman

Kayla:  That would be my friends I was living with right before I moved in with you.  I met her in my first year of college.   The short story is she wanted to surprise her boyfriend with a threesome and I said:  “Count me in.”   So my first time with another woman there was also a man involved, but eventually, just the two of us would get together.   They asked me to move in, which I did, and well, that’s where I was when this older couple took advantage of me, brainwashed me, made me join their marriage and be their sex slave.  Um, er, ah.  I mean, that’s when you confided in me about your dynamic and well, here we are today.

Jen:  And THAT’s the story of Kayla!

That will be the end of these interviews.  But I will post a quick rundown of where things are with our “Circle of Trust” couples since I haven’t shared much about them in a long time.  Oh, and of course, I still need to do a post about our Immersion 2020.

It’s so strange.  Our Immersion was just a few weeks ago, but it seems like a long time ago.  It was right on the cusp of our country taking COVID seriously.   We were being foolish as we were doing the exact opposite of social distancing.  Thankfully it was still within a limited number of friends, but still – dumb, dumb, dumb!  Anyways, we survived it unscathed and uninfected.  Which is the goal of any orgy!   It will be nice to remember the good ol’ days of a few weeks ago.

Hope you enjoyed the 4-mega posts with Kayla!

NEXT: 346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

 

 

 

 

 

344. Kayla Interview Part III

I know I’ve spent a lot of time posting about my “Interview with Kayla.”  Don’t you know that I am slightly fond of her?   Hee-hee.   Hopefully, you find that hearing from her is interesting and entertaining.    If you didn’t read the other parts, here ya go — Part I.    Part II.

PART III
Jen:  I had someone email me asking about finances.  They were in a long term committed poly relationship and found the finances to be a point of contention.

Kayla: I think whether it’s a traditional or non-traditional relationship, money can be a source of friction.   I think it is less about the type of relationship and more about any differences in how each person views money.  You probably understand the psychology better than I do.

Jen:   Yes, there is something universal about household finances as a potential point of conflict for any relationship.   Economic power is just one more area a couple in a power-exchange dynamic has to address.  Sometimes the submissive may be willing to submit in many ways except economically.   This can cause conflict if the Dom expects such submission.  No different than if talking sex or household rules of any kind.

There’s nothing wrong with a power-exchange that does not include an exchange of economic power.  There is no right way or wrong way for a submissive or a Dom to think about this.   The key is,  no relationship can ignore this topic and like EVERY aspect of their relationship, they have to find a solution that works for everyone involved.  You can assume a submissive is likely to submit financially, but they may not for many valid reasons.  No different than say a submissive who does not want to be sexually shared or that just doesn’t do windows.  Haha.  They just have to find a Dom that accepts it.  But this post isn’t about financial advice for kinksters, it’s about you.  So explain how your finances work.

Kayla: I think you posted about this (I did).   When I was going to school I paid you rent.  My dad was still giving me money for living expenses and I had a part-time job for a bit.  I would give all my money to Mike and he would give me an allowance.  He monitored my purchases and I had to get permission for most expenditures.  I didn’t have many expenses since you all took care of groceries, utilities, and stuff like that and my dad took care of school expenses.

When I started working a “career” job after finishing school, I didn’t hesitate to give all my money to Mike.  Direct deposit into his account.   We didn’t even discuss it ahead of time.   I just did it as it was natural to me and I expected it of myself, as much as Mike expected it of me.  The fact I was making significantly more money didn’t change this for me.

Jen:  Did he expect it?  What would you say to those that think he, or we, are taking advantage of you? 

Kayla:  If they are going to point to the money as the area of concern, and not all the other submissive things I do or that I am part of a relationship with a married couple, then to me that’s a positive.  At least they accept those other parts and if they want to focus on the finances, so be it.  To me, either I am being taken advantage of in every aspect of our relationship or I am not.  I know I am not.  What others think doesn’t bother me.  You all bought me a car (Post 283. We are three) with what I thought was rent money I was giving to you.  I have no reason not to trust you all. 

Jen:  I understand it, but what would you say to those that don’t?

Kayla:  I think they say that because they can’t understand how I could be secure in this relationship, emotionally or financially.  They assume my relationship with you all is tenuous and I should maintain an exit plan, including a financial one.  That’s b.s. to me.  I bet I am saving more money than my peers.  

Jen:  You have money in your own name?

Kayla:  Yes, Mike insisted.  But he does see my statement and I can not spend it – period.  But to be clear, I would have accepted having nothing in my name.  I was even willing to have the car in his name.  I was willing to have no assets to my name.  Mike was the one who insisted on an arrangement where I have money of my own.

Mike said that I deserved a semblance of financial security that you have as his legal wife.  While legally it can never be the same, he felt it important that I had a safety net.  I can’t get equity in the home, but I could build equity some other way.  His explanation made me feel better because honestly, I wanted to 100% submit financially – give everything to him.   Now, I cherish what I do have in my name because it represents a financial equity in this household and in our marriage, legal or not.

Jen:  Explain how the arrangement works.

Kayla:  All our money goes into our household “Bills” account that Mike controls.  He takes care of the mortgage, utilities, and any recurring monthly expenses.   There’s typically a set amount that he then transfers to our “Daily” account.  All three of us are on the Daily account and use it for groceries, gas, clothing, and things like that.   (I covered the basics of this is in Post 181.  Domestic Financial Discipline).   The two of us have rules on what we can buy without permission, like groceries and gas.  This account is like our allowance.  Mike rarely makes purchases from that account since we are responsible for day-to-day household needs.   We are free to spend that account down to zero if need be as it is the amount Mike has allocated for all those daily type household expenses.

And when he puts money in the Daily, he also puts some in our individual savings accounts and the family savings account.  That can be used for gifts for birthdays and Christmas and to build up for that rainy day.   So savings is already taken out as if it were its own expense.  Mike is so good with money.  I have no clue how to spend wisely or save anything.  Well, I do now.

I already have a nice savings balance, plus Mike was adamant I contribute a large amount to my employer’s 401(k).  Believe me, financially speaking I am way better off than most of my peers.  While it sounds ominous that my paycheck goes to Mike, I not only enjoy this arrangement, I am benefiting from it.  Mike also provides me a level of financial discipline I could not provide on my own. 

Jen:  Speaking of discipline, let’s talk DD, more precisely, how your journey into submission has evolved.   What’s your narrative to describe your journey?

Kayla:  The summary of it is, I was insecure, I was self-destructive and headed down a path of even greater destruction, I was scared, I was lost.  I was like a ship that on the outside seemed seaworthy but I had no rudder.  Then you all let me in.  From the moment you shared your dynamic with me I was intrigued.  Make that hooked.  (Post 77.  Heart to Heart with Kayla).  I remember immediately thinking, “I want Mr. H to treat me that way.”  I think I became very flirty in hopes of charming you.  I guess it worked!

Jen:  Ya’ think?   Speaking of me, at first, we dabbled with having me as a disciplinarian along with Mike.  Talk about that.

Kayla:  I liked the idea of being submissive and accountable to both of you.  In some ways I still do, but not to the degree I needed it at first.  I can’t explain it, but I think part of it was that I wanted to be accepted by both of you and a part of both of you.  I didn’t want just a one-way relationship that was only me and Mike while the two of you had your own relationship.  I wanted a three-way relationship and at the time I thought being submissive to you was one way to have that.   Over time I realized I could have a relationship with you that didn’t include being your submissive, and anyway, it was interfering with your submissive mindset, so we both sort of moved on from that.

Jen:  “Sort of?”  So would you prefer that I discipline you?

Kayla:  Sometimes.  But I know when I think through the implications, while I like the idea of it, I wouldn’t like the reality of it.  I love where things are between us and wouldn’t want to change it.  But, I wouldn’t mind a spanking from you now and then, even if just play.

Jen:  Noted.  We can make that happen.  How would you describe our relationship and your thoughts about the age difference?

Kayla:  You are my wife.  That’s how I describe it.  I love you.  Age exists but doesn’t change those feelings.  I figure there is probably some element of psychology at work regarding my relationship with my mom – or lack of.   When I was 12-15ish I thought of you as a motherly figure.  No escaping that.  I love the warmth of your nurturing soul, and I love to be the object of that nurturing.   And at one time that nurturing may have had more of a mother-daughter vibe, but that vibe completely changed when I became a part of the family.

Jen:  Thank you, and yes, it did.  You are confident and vibrant.  You are “adulting” very well.   You don’t need mothering.   But, you do like to be little?  What do you think that is about? (Post 279. And baby makes three)

Kayla:  We’ve talked about this a lot and I still can’t fully explain it.  I think the really young age play — infant level play — was part of “resetting” my childhood from the beginning.   I needed to start from that beginning.  Sort of role-playing it out where I got everything I needed psychologically.   And then eventually I “aged up” in that play from infant to toddler to young child.

Jen:  And where are you today in that play?

Kayla:  I don’t know any other littles, but from what I’ve read I am probably more in line with the more traditional little-play.  I still have that need to be little now and then.   It’s fun role play, but I get deeply into it, beyond a role.  I become little in my mind.  I’d say my little persona ranges from age 4 to 7 but occasionally may dip into age 2 or 3 regarding breastfeeding or diaper play.

Jen:  I love that breastfeeding and diaper play rolls off your tongue as if you were talking about a favorite dessert or dress.

Kayla:  What?  You mean they aren’t normal things to talk about?   If your readers could only hear some of our conversations!  Besides, those are my favorite desserts and dress. (laughing). 

Jen:  What about your need for discipline.  Do you think about why you need this lifestyle?

Kayla:  Not really.  I just accept it.  It fulfills me.  It just feels right.  It’s like if you asked a vanilla hetero woman what she thinks about why she needs her vanilla hetero lifestyle.  You just are what you are and should just be what you are.  Go with it if it fulfills you and doesn’t harm others.

Jen:  You’re right.  I think I project my feelings on this.  Coming from 20+ years of being that vanilla hetero wife, I guess it’s easier for me to think about why I changed.  I lived the other side for so long and thus it may be more natural to occasionally reflect.  But you never see a friend or co-worker or woman in the store or ever have thoughts of, “I wish I could do that.  I wish I could be free?”

Kayla:  Never.  I cherish my role in our marriage and love being submissive.  I am free!  Free to explore something that means everything to me.  Free to explore my submission and do so in a healthy and nurturing environment.  I wouldn’t want any other life or lifestyle.

Jen:  Your submission is deeper than mine, in terms of what you do and what fulfills you.  In kink terms, it is more Master/slave than simply Dominant/submissive.

Kayla:  Like you, I had to find my limits, that level of submission that fulfilled me and that Mike was comfortable with giving.  He’s such a perfect Dom in helping both of us find our individual limits and not dictating them.  I do love a more slave oriented dynamic than a submissive one.   It’s hard to explain.  I need Mike to know I am his in any and every way he wants.  It isn’t enough for him to feel it is true, I want him to demonstrate it is true.   No different than you.  It’s just a matter of degree.  Mike is awesome at recognizing the different degrees to set things for you compared to me.

Jen:  I agree, but I always like to note on my blog that while Mike is the perfect Dom, he’s our perfect Dom.  He’s perfect because he fulfills what we both need and want.  Someone else with different needs and wants may find him inadequate.  I like to tell my readers that the perfect Dom is the one that is perfect for you.  Fortunately, Mike is perfect for both of us.

Kayla:  Oh he sure is, and that makes it all the more fulfilling to serve him.  He deserves it.  He deserves you, and he deserves me, every ounce and fiber of me.  While I may have freely given myself to him, he has shown me that he deserves all of me.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

Jen:  Yes, it is.   When you first joined our family, I made several posts about adjustments I had to make, emotionally, dealing with feelings related to jealously.  Have you ever been jealous of me?

Kayla:  I don’t think so.  I love Mike.  But I don’t feel I need him all to myself.  Maybe I was fortunate that early on I was too insecure to consider jealousy.   That seems counter-intuitive as jealousy is rooted in insecurity.  But I felt so deeply insecure that I felt like I didn’t even deserve the feeling of jealousy.   Does that make sense? (yes!) 

He was your husband and I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, that I didn’t give my mind the chance to think anything negative.  I never once felt in competition with you.  I didn’t feel I was even entitled to feel like I was competing.

By the time I knew my position in the family was cemented, there simply wasn’t a need for any negative feelings.  If such feelings were bubbling around somewhere in my mind, I was in a place where they didn’t matter and I could reconcile them.

And what is there to be jealous of?  What would I be competing for?   Not legally being his wife?   When I think that through I feel terrible, not jealous.  If I were his wife, you would not be.  I would never take that from you, or from him, or the kids.  Their parents are married and in love.   I could never want something that would require others to experience so much pain and anguish.  Besides, I have everything I need from him and from you.  I don’t feel anything is lacking.  Like you, I love anything that brings joy to Mike, and there isn’t anyone that brings him more joy than you.   

 Jen:  Thank you, and know that you bring him a lot of joy as well.  He loves you, and I love you, and we both love that the other loves you.  Lots of love to go around.  As I stated before, Love is not Pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared.

You do a lot for Mike.  Things I don’t even do.  You clean his car every day, you run to put towels in the dryer when he showers so you can bring him warm towels when he is done.  The two of you have a lot of rituals as well and he communicates a lot to you in simple gestures, like your own form of sign language.  Mike is also a lot more strict with you.  You probably get 2-3 times the spankings I do.  And your discipline mixes in a lot of sex.  Do you ever look at my dynamic with Mike and wish your submission was less deep?

Kayla:  The question is, do you ever look at mine and wish yours was deeper?

Jen:  No, that’s not the question.  (I said in a mock stern voice). But I think I understand that as an answer.  In other words, your submission is where you and Mike want it to be and that’s that.  I totally get that.  And for the record, I love watching the two of you interact.  It always brings me joy to witness your submission to him.

Changing gears. You are changing your last name to match ours.  This is an amazing commitment on your part and we are overwhelmed by your decision.  It never dawned on us to even consider such a thing.  It’s so special.  I don’t have the right words to express just how special a gift that is to us.  No question for you.  I just needed to state that for my readers.   On second thought, I do have a question.  What gave you that idea and why did you ask both of us for permission and not just Mike?

Kayla:  Thank you.  And it isn’t my gift to you, but your gift to me.  I was very nervous when I asked you all.  I thought one or both of you might get upset and think I was taking things too far.  But I kept telling myself that you all have been so supportive and transparent with our relationship – the ceremony, the tattoos.   As for how it came to me, it was very sudden, like this lightning bolt.   I friend of mine is friends with a gay male couple who were married.  She was telling me that when her friends married, they created a new last name that was a mixture of their two names.  (here’s a name-mixing tool I found that can help you with ideas) 

In an instant it hit me.  I need to change my name.  And it was more than just needing it, I had to do it.  I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of it before.  Like I was lacking in trust in our relationship and every day I kept my last name was another day of not demonstrating my full trust.   I think that’s why I got nervous.  I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if you said no.  I thought you all would be happy, but no one can be 100% sure about that.  And I was mostly worried about your reaction, Jen.  

You’ve always been so supportive and inclusive of me – as part of your family when I was a child, and as part of your marriage as an adult.  But I still worried you might think I was going too far, that changing my name was a way to put myself closer to your level.  It was a name you had taken, and that maybe you would think I was trying to minimize you taking his name.  I felt it was important that I ask both of you and not just Mike.   As much as I know Mike is the ultimate decider of all things in our family,  I wanted your immediate reaction.  I would feel guilty if I thought you were just going along with it because Mike agreed.  I didn’t want you to just go along with it.  I wanted you to honor it, to invite it, to welcome it.  And you did. 

Jen:  Yes, we both did.  Thank you for considering my feelings like that.  It is a very big decision, but one I did not hesitate to support.  The moment you asked I was like, “Oh my god, I love it. Why didn’t we think of this?  It’s perfect.”  You were there.  I got reprimanded by Mike for not letting him speak first.   Again, it’s a wonderful gift to give us and demonstrates your commitment to the three of us as a unified triad.   So where do you see yourself in five or ten years?  What about kids?

Kayla:  I see myself a part of this family.  We are three!  In my mind, it is “until death do us part.”  I know I am still young and that the road in life has a way of throwing unexpected curves or present divergent paths.  If that happens, we deal with them at that time.  But I am probably not much different than anyone who gets married.  They don’t think about it as, “Well, what will I do when this is over?”    The thoughts are, “What will WE be like in the future?”  

I think we will be a lot like we are today.  Our dynamic may evolve, but the three of us will remain three.   And kids?  Sure, I see them at some point.  There’s always artificial insemination or good old fashion natural insemination. (laughing).   So when the time comes there will be decisions we all will have to make and I do consider it a three-way decision since it impacts all of us.

Jen:  For the readers, I think I’ve written before, Mike has been snipped, as coincidentally has John, TJ, and Matt.  The only man in our COT who isn’t sterile is Jaime (condoms and/or birth control!).  And we’ve told Kayla that we are supportive of her having a child at some point.  We don’t feel now is a good time, nor does she, but we see it happening at some point.

So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

AND WITH THAT

I think I will end this post and will most definitely wrap up this Q&A with Kayla on the next post.   I hope you all enjoy hearing from her and understanding more about her.  I am so proud of her and so happy to be a part of her life and her a part of mine.   Maybe I got too excited and am oversharing.  But I tend to be an over-sharer. It’s my brand for this blog and you wouldn’t want me to get off-brand would you?   So you’ll just have to accept it and skim through it or skip it if it is just too much blah-blah-blah for you.

Next Post: 345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

343. Kayla Interview Part II – Kayla Ours, the new addition

Let’s dive right back in where I left off on the prior post.

Good thing many of you are isolated with nothing to do but read stuff like this because this is a long one.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy sharing more about my dear Kayla!

Jen:  Kayla, let’s fast forward 2016 when you became a part of us.   What were your thoughts about us before the events that led us to where we are today?

– – – Kayla reminded me of a post she did on this blog.  I had forgotten.  Instead of repeating things, it turns out the answer to this question is covered in that post.  Check it out here.  Post 182.  Hello, my name is Kala. —

Jen:  Things moved pretty fast with us.  According to things I blogged about, it was October 2016 when I first told you about the “new” lifestyle we adopted.   About a month later, we were making plans for you to move in, which you did right after Christmas.
You went from the babysitter to a submissive in a triad with a married couple in a months time.

Kayla:  A month? That would be ridiculous, like, I was some kind of desperate and needy whore.  It was clearly six weeks!   Yeah, kinda fast.  A lot of thinking can get done in six weeks.  It really isn’t that fast.  And hey, I thought of myself as being more than just the babysitter.

Jen:  I didn’t say “just” the babysitter.  But sorry, you are right, you were much more than that.  It makes for a better narrative for my kinky readers.  But still, that was fast, wasn’t it?

Kayla:  I get it.  I know both of you thought fondly of me and I was always welcomed as part of the family, not just the babysitter.   I believe everything was just perfect timing for where I was in life, what I was needing and hoping for, and what you all were able to provide me.  I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, beyond just a young family friend.  I had zero reservations.  Did you?

Jen:  Hey, I am the interviewer here.  I think I blogged plenty about some of the things I went through at that time.  (There’s probably about ten different posts about this beginning from Post 79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt to about Post 101 Compersion with a side of Submission and Spanking.  Probably more after that as well).

– You can read those if you want the answer to Kayla’s question. Let’s move on. –

Jen:  Speaking of a good narrative for my kinky readers, you told us before your first orgasm was to thoughts of Mike.  Please elaborate.

Kayla:   Yes, pretty sure my first real masturbation and orgasm were to thoughts of Mike.  It wasn’t thoughts of sex with him, at least not at first.   Him just hugging me, which he did in real life, as well as thoughts of him just caressing my arm, which he did NOT do in real life.  Yes, the thoughts of a sexy man caressing my arm was enough to make young Kayla all warm and tingly inside. (laughing)

Jen:  In other words, no different than what it takes to make you that way today?  (more laughing).

Kayla:  I go way beyond warm and tingly today, but yeppers, it doesn’t take much, even today.   But those pubescent fantasies in my head eventually evolved beyond him caressing my arm.  At some point I imagined him disciplining me – as in spanking me.  Not at all in a kink way but like a real disciplining from someone who might spank their kids.  After running those thoughts through my head, well, I’d get all the tingles down there.  At first,my mind would shift to just focusing on the tingles and not thinking about Mike or about being spanked.  But that eventually changed.

Jen:  Why do you think that fantasy appealed to you?

Kayla:  I don’t know.  It’s hard to explain why something makes you feel a certain way, especially at that age when you can’t even comprehend what may be behind certain feelings.  But if I were to guess, I think I wanted his attention and for him to care enough about me to want to help me.  A fantasy of him being stern with me and spanking me was how those feelings were manifested. 

Jen:  At that time, did you ever think about what those fantasies might mean?

Kayla: Don’t forget, I was like 11 or 12 when those thoughts started creeping into my fantasies.   And a twelve-year-old isn’t going to self analyze.  Heck, most adults don’t even do that.  People aren’t like you, Jen, striving to get to the bottom of every feeling.   Most people are too afraid of what they’ll find.   But at that age, it wasn’t about fear or anything.  You just sort of feel how you feel and are confused by it.  At that age I lacked the ability to try and reconcile that confusion.  It’s called puberty!

I really didn’t understand sex or have a desire for it.  I would vacillate between being scared by those fantasies and being turned on by them.  I didn’t have thoughts of penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anything sex.  I recall that following my spanking fantasies, my earliest thoughts regarding anything remotely related to actual penetration sex was having fantasies of him knowing I touched myself.  I can’t remember the actual details of the fantasy, but it was basically like in my mind I would tell him that I do it and he would spank me for it.  Kind of messed up.  Part pleasure, part guilt, part older man fantasy.  And I didn’t even know the term at the time, but in hindsight, part submission fantasy. 

I also remember thinking how mortified and embarrassed I would be if I actually told him I touched myself.  But I also distinctly remember being turned on by the thoughts of being so mortified and embarrassed.  In your words, I guess I was pre-wired to be turned on by making myself vulnerable.  But I never fantasized about actual PIV or even oral sex with him.

Jen:  I think having mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure regarding sex is normal at that age.  It can be so confusing.   Even for adults who attach a lot of guilt to sex.  Did you feel guilty about those fantasies?

Kayla:   No.  I never associated those feelings with guilt or of them being naughty.  Maybe it goes back to my mom’s reaction when she walked in on me after a bath as I was rubbing myself rather aggressively with a towel.  She set the tone that it wasn’t a big deal, but something that was personal and private.  I do remember feeling a bit scared about my fantasies, like, “What does this mean?”  “Am I normal?”  “Is this weird?”   But I think every kid goes through that when it comes to everything, let alone something dealing with sexual desires. 

Jen:  As you said, a lot of adults still deal with those questions, especially when it comes to kink.   Do you remember your first orgasm?  You’ve said it was about those thoughts with Mike.

Kayla: I like to think my first was over thoughts of him, but honestly I am not 100% sure.  I think I had some mini-orgasms before I had the first big “O” regarding my fantasies about Mike.  I  just didn’t recognize them as orgasms until I had a really intense one.   Are we supposed to be talking about this?  I was like 11.  Mike had to be what, in his late 30’s?

Jen:  It’s your fantasies we are talking about, so spill the beans here.  What was going on regarding those mini-orgasms.”  Set the scene!  My readers like filth.  And the details of this will be news to me and well, I like filth too!

Kayla:  Okay.  My first sexual experiences may not qualify as sexual experiences.  I mean, can you have a sexual experience without knowing what sex is?  Is sex defined by the area of your body that is being aroused or is it defined by intent?   Don’t you have some committee that determines these things?

Jen:  Hum… I’d have to check with the kink authorities on that.  But continue.

Kayla:  Ew.  I don’t like to think of it as sex and I definitely don’t like to think of it as kink.  My earliest memories of anything we would call remotely sexual was when I was like eight-years-old for god’s sake!

Jen:  Okay, okay.  I’ll rephrase.  What was your first experience where today, you recognize it as something that felt good in a way that today you would equate to a sexual feeling?   Better?

Kayla:   Uh, that’s not much better, because there is nothing at eight years old that felt like what sex feels like today.  But I will quit arguing the point and answer your question.  I vividly remember it because it is actually one of the few mother/daughter memories I have where her actions may have had a positive influence on me.   It was the incident with the towel that I mentioned a few questions ago.

I remember drying myself off with a towel and liking the feeling when I dried between my legs.  I probably was even younger than eight but it was never more than just a passing thought of, “Oh, that felt pretty good” and I’d move on to dry the rest of my body.   But at some point, maybe when I was eight, definitely no more than nine, instead of just a quick wipe with the towel and fleeting thought of, “that was nice,” I decided, “Hum, I should give that another wipe.”   A few baths later and it became many wipes and eventually full on rubs.   Over time I spent more and more time drying between my legs than I did the time before.  Eventually, I would put the towel between my legs with one hand in front of me and one behind and sort of ride the towel like a horse.  A horse that moved rapidly back and forth under me, haha.  It became a bath-time ritual.

I didn’t equate what I was doing to anything sexual.  It just felt good, really good.  It’s like, you know how the warm sun can feel good on your face when you walk outside?  That’s not a sexual feeling, it’s just a good feeling.   It was like that, except it wasn’t my face that got warm.  Ew, did I just say that?   Anyway, I had no clue what sex was and didn’t equate it to anything other than just a good feeling.   And when I did it, I would just reach some point where I was like, “Okay, I’ll stop now.” Time to finish drying or getting ready for bed or whatever.  Never another thought about it.   

Then one day my mom walked in on me, humping away at this towel that was buzzing back and forth between my legs. 

Jen:  How did I never hear this story before?

Kayla:   It’s to your credit that you never asked me about my sexual experiences in second grade!  What kind of perv would that make you!    (laughing)   But for real, I thought I told you about this.  I guess not.

Jen: So how did your mom react and how did you react?

Kayla:  I was cool.  I was like, “Oh, hi mom.”  I didn’t even know enough to think what I was doing was a big deal.  I don’t think I even stopped.  Maybe I slowed down a bit.   And the fact I don’t clearly remember much about her reaction sums up her reaction.  She didn’t have much of one.  She just calmly said, “If you’re going to play between your legs its best done in private, so lock the door when you do that.”

And two things stuck with me.  For a long time, I thought “play between your legs” was an actual phrase meaning to rub or touch yourself down there.  And in my mind, it was just play.  I didn’t know it could be sexual, because I didn’t even know that term.  More importantly, my mom’s reaction was such that it did not equate what I was doing with something should evoke shame or embarrassment.

But I guess as a kid you still sort of pick up on certain things.  While I felt it was normal enough to keep doing it and not feel guilty about it, I not only now knew from my mom that it was supposed to be a private thing that I did behind locked doors, but somehow I also knew it wasn’t something you talked about.  Fortunately, I didn’t go around to my friends and ask them if they also played between their legs.  I was already a bit of the weird kid anyway.  That would have been disastrous.

Jen:  So did you do it more often after that?

Kayla:  Eew, no.  I am telling you, it wasn’t a sex thing!  It was just a way to feel extra good after a bath.

Jen:  But you certainly didn’t stop doing it?

Kayla:  Hell no. 

Jen:  So let’s switch gears.  You said you were a weird kid.  In what way?

Kayla:  There’s the 10-year old Kayla answer and the current Kayla answer.  Which perspective do you want?

Jen:  Too much to ask for both?  Let’s start with kid-Kayla.

Kayla:  Kid Kayla thought everyone else was weird.  Well, I mean, I knew I was the oddball, but I felt I was odd because my supposed cohorts were weird.  I didn’t like kids my age.  I think it goes back to me wanting to be as small as possible so as not to upset my parents.  Be that perfect kid, be mature, be thoughtful.   Not that 14-year-olds are any of those things, but at age 10 I modeled myself after what I thought a 14-year-old should be.  I befriended older kids and they seemed to accept me.  Probably because in my mind they were the “better” kids in terms of the “right way” to be.  I admired them, looked up to them, emulated them.   That made it easy for me to be their friend because they liked how I treated them.  

As I got older, my friends always stayed older.  As a freshman in high school, my friends were seniors.  And the following year when many of them went off to college, their new college friends became my friends and so when I was 16 I had friends who were 20 to 23.

Jen:  Okay, what does the current Kayla think about why Kid Kayla was like that?

Kayla:  Honestly, it wasn’t until the last year or so I’ve figured that out, thanks in large part to you.  It was a self-esteem thing.  I was never truthful with my feelings as a kid.  The truth was too frightening.  A mom who cared more about drinking than about me.  More about making our lives miserable than about me.  A dad who may have tried his best, but couldn’t compensate for all that was missing for me.  I was fortunate that the way I reconciled this turned out to be somewhat productive.  Instead of acting out and being a wild child, I worked harder to be what I thought was the best child. 

At that moment I felt like I had high self-esteem.  I just “knew” I was a good kid, even though it wasn’t enough to bring about change in my mom.  But I know now that our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves.  Because I was avoiding my true feelings and pretending that what I was doing was actually making a difference.  Not just pretending my actions helped my parents, but pretending my actions were helping me.  I was pretending I wasn’t being emotionally neglected.  And all the things I was doing to cope with that was not really addressing that.  When we aren’t truthful with ourselves, our self-esteem goes down.

I now know that is what led me to turn to alcohol as well.  You could say it was genetics, and maybe that played a part, but for me, I think it was the environment.  I didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t know myself, I never faced my emotions.  As I felt those emotions coming to the surface I had to work harder to drive them down, and drinking helped do that for me.   Fortunately, I had you all to stop that from ever reaching a critical point.   

And that is why, as a child, I loved being around you guys.  I felt loved, I felt respected, I felt valued.  Not just from the two of you but from all three of the kids.  It was such a warm and nurturing environment.

Jen:  Thank you for saying that.  At the time, we knew things weren’t good for you on the home front.  We didn’t know all the details, but knew we were your respite.  And it wasn’t like you were just a charity case.  We truly loved having you around.  You were so good with J and T1 and T2 enjoyed your company.

Let’s fast forward to the day I shared with you that me and Mike adopted Domestic Discipline.   It really seemed to connect and resonate with you.  Things happened so fast from that day forward.  Why was that?

Kayla:  Well, first, maybe it helps to understand I already knew I was bisexual.  I had been with other girls, and at the time was living with a friend of mine and her husband and we would have threesomes.   While I was basically a “friend with benefits” to them, I found I liked the idea of being part of three.  I don’t know why.  Two friends are just better than one, right?  And then, of course, there’s the sex.   But it was more than that.  I just really liked being part of three.  However, I was not really that close to them.  I was definitely not in love with them.   Deeply in-like?  Is that a thing?

Jen:  It is now

Kayla:  So I was already predisposed to love the idea of being in a thruple.  Then you add in the fact that by far the two of you are my favorite couple.  Like, “favorite” didn’t even come close to describing it.  I idolized your relationship.  So the thought of being any part of it as an adult, not just a babysitter or kid?  Count me in!

And I was feeling a lack of control at the time.  I wanted to still be the perfect daughter but was drinking more and more myself, and I would feel guilty about that.  It was this loop of working hard to be perfect to cover up my feelings of being neglected, drinking to cope with my true feelings, feeling guilty about drinking, thus, once sober, working even harder to cover up my feelings.  And the loops got bigger and bigger.  I wanted off that roller coaster.  

And I was just getting ready to finish up my undergrad and was facing a decision to get a job, go to grad school, or move back home.  I didn’t feel prepared to make that decision, mainly because of my drinking.  I was feeling very anxious about that.  Everything about the two of you just felt right.  It felt safe, it felt sane.  I was attracted to the two of you, you to me, and it all just felt so right.  I really was in awe and so excited.

Jen:  Beyond the more meaningful relationship with us, what were your thoughts about DD?

Kayla:  It also resonated with me.   Perhaps because of my earlier fantasies, but also because I had always been so self-disciplined for all the wrong reasons, I loved the idea of striving to be self-disciplined as a way to serve someone else.  It’s like I had this power of self-discipline and could finally use it for good, and in return, focus that discipline on what is truly good for me.  I just knew the two of you had my best interests at heart. 

Jen:  Thank you.  We did, and we still do.

There’s so much more we could cover.  And I received a few emails with questions specifically for Kayla.  Some were practical things like how finances work, others about where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years and beyond.   And then a few sex-related questions.   So — we will just have to do a Part III!

WONDERFUL NEWS
And the answer to some of those questions are revealed in some wonderful news that Kayla shared with us.  Should I wait for Part III to share it here?

Yes, I should. 

 

But, I won’t.

There will soon be a new addition to our family!

How long should I let that sentence linger?

A little longer?

Longer still?

Okay, long enough.

No, it’s not what you think.  Hum.  I really should save this for another post.

 

Okay, okay.  I will say it here.

The new addition isn’t really new, just new in name.

Kayla asked us, and we agreed, if she could legally change her last name to ours. 

Her name will soon officially be, Kayla Ours!   

Just kidding.  You know what I mean.  Her last name will be our last name.   It was something she thought of and very much wanted.  I will elaborate more on that in the next post.

What, you thought maybe the news was something different?

Next: 344. Kayla Interview Part III

342. Kayla Interview – Part I

Although I haven’t been posting much, I feel a renewed energy to do so.   It’s just that, well, things have been a little strange lately.  Do you sort of feel it too?  Can’t quite put my finger on what it is.   Just a different vibe in the world.   It’s probably just me.  

Mike and Kayla are both working from home.  Nothing new for Mike as he often worked from home.  His business pretty much runs as a virtual office.  Also, we’ve been fortunate that his business hasn’t slowed (yet).  For Kayla, the whole work from home is new for her company, but as I think many people are learning, there was no reason not to have previously allowed it.  She can do almost her entire job virtually.

Anyway, it’s different having them both home, although we don’t always stay at our house.  We are isolating within the family, limiting it to just the three of us and T1’s farm.  That means E, J, and by extension, interaction with E’s cousin’s next door to them.  That’s a group of 11 individuals.  A bit large but no different than a large family would have, and we all have become that – one large family.   In addition to the three of us spending more time at the farm, I’ve been going out to there a lot more just by myself, leaving Mike and Kayla at home for days on end.

I want to get you all caught up on my menagerie of relationships.   At some point, I want to share our Immersion 2020 experience.   And I wanted to at least acknowledge a very big anniversary for me — March 17 marked 5 years since we formally adopted a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. That is certainly worthy of a classic Jenny esoteric ramble!  But that will have to wait for another post.

Until then – I’ll catch you up with the latest from Kayla including some VERY BIG NEWS.  Suffice to say, we’ve come a long way since Meet the Baby Sitter.

KAYLA UPDATE
Kayla is now 25.  In October we celebrated a one-year commitment anniversary with her after she moved in with us at the end of 2016.  It’s been an amazing three years  (and three months) and the three of us are closer than I could have ever imagined.  It feels like she’s always been a part of us.  Incorporating her into our marriage and lives happened quickly and, by and large, very smoothly.

I shared that she started a full-time job last fall after completing her Master’s degree.  It was an adjustment as it was her first real job.  40 hour work weeks (sometimes more) can be quite the adjustment for anyone.  And for Kayla, who gets so much satisfaction from serving Mike, it meant adjusting to significant time away from that service.   She had to get creative to find ways to serve him while at work.

Some things that helped her with that transition include

• Love letters:   Sometimes from me, sometimes from Mike, sometimes from both of us.  Just a little letter that we put in an envelope that she opens on her lunch break.  It gives her something to look forward to and feel connected and thought of. . . and sometimes they are more lust-letters than love letters!   She sometimes leave us letters of her own.  Sure we could text, but letters are better!
  
• Sexy Selfies:   Simple and effective, both to her and from her!  She loves to send pics of herself flashing a boob or her butt. Normally from the bathroom, but sometimes a conference room.  Hopefully they don’t have cameras!   We don’t want her to get fired.
• Masturbation on command.  Mike may text her at any time and require she masturbate via Face Time.  She’s had to learn to quietly orgasm in the bathroom stall!  Mike does allow her to stay no if she has a meeting or working against a deadline.  Career over kink!

Jen:   Kayla, how do you explain your relationship status to people at work?

Kayla:  I’m married.  That’s where I start and usually, that’s where it ends.   Some end up asking, “What does your husband do?”  And the more “with it” coworkers keep it gender neutral and say, “What do THEY do?”  I will say, what he does, but then  I might add, “and my wife does x.”   That usually takes the conversation from casual small talk to one of significant intrigue on their part. 

I am open and honest.  I look to answer any question accurately, but only with enough information to satisfy the question.  It’s our policy!

(She’s referring to the policy we follow regarding “Tell if asked.”  The caveat is to only “tell” as much as needed to appropriately answer their question, which sometimes is a fine line such as her throwing in….”and my wife does x.”)

Jen:  I imagine it didn’t take long for the whole office to know.

Kayla:  Nope!  And I have a few pictures of us on my desk, so there’s that too.  Of course, I get a few, “Is that your parents?” comments, to which I answer, “No, it’s my partners.”

Jen: So do you describe us as your husband and wife or as partners?

Kayla:  It depends.  While legally I am not your wife, I believe the term husband or wife best describes the relationship, but sometimes “partners” is less shocking to the other person and they don’t seem to ask me as many questions.   If I am asked, “are you married” it is easier to just say “Yes” as that often ends the questioning.  If I said, “No, not legally, but…” well, then I just invite too many questions.  I am not opposed to answering questions, but sometimes the situation doesn’t warrant inviting the questions.  Typically the setting is just office small talk and thus not conducive to a longer conversation.  If it’s over lunch or something like that, I might respond in ways that invite more questions.

Jen:   Mike would be happy as that is our rule.  So, do you read my blog?

Kayla:  I have, here and there, but, I live those things with you and the things you blog you often talk about, so it’s like stuff I already know.  I sometimes like to just read the comments or the stuff that is about me.  Is that bad?

Jen:  Hum… if I say yes should you be spanked?  (laughing).   Of course not.  I haven’t provided a lot of background about you as I’ve always felt it is not my story to tell.  Well, now you can tell it.   I think… make that, I KNOW readers like the sizzle so give me a summary of what you see as your sexual evolution.

Kayla:  Sexual evolution?  That sounds so comprehensive.  How about I start first with some non-sexual stuff about my childhood?

Jen:  Sure, take it away.

Kayla:  My mom was emotionally absent and an alcoholic.  She was a closet alcoholic most of my early years but I always knew something was off.  As I got older she would be drunk more often.  She wasn’t an abusive drunk – more a nonsensical one and a depressed “woe-is-me, look what I’ve done with my life” one.   It always made me feel helpless since there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  I guess the one thing I was able to do was to try and be the perfect daughter.   I got excellent grades, stayed out of trouble, stayed pretty quiet and didn’t ask for much, which is good, because she had nothing to give emotionally.

Dad, on the other hand, was “normal,” whatever normal is.  He worked a lot which meant he wasn’t around, and I always longed for him to come home.  I felt excited when he would come through the door.  Like, “Yea! It’s time for normal!”   And he always tried to spend time with me.  If mom was particularly checked out, he would take me out for dinner.  Saturdays were “father-daughter” days.   We would always go do something that took all day.  Movies, zoo, museum, shopping, theme park, whatever.  He also tended to spoil me, giving me the material things I wanted.  Once I moved out he helped financially and every time I would see him he would give me whatever he had in his wallet.  I think he felt guilty.  A little about the fact he couldn’t do even more with me because of work, but mostly because he knew my mom couldn’t and didn’t contribute much to my well being.

Jen:  They eventually divorced.  How did that impact you?

Kayla:  Eee, yeah.  It did impact me, that’s for sure.  I was 15 and 16.   It was a mixed bag of emotions.  I think the uncertainty was the hardest part, but the actual news was a relief.  I saw it through my dad’s eyes as something he deserved to get out of.  But still, there was some anger as well, directed mostly at my mom since she was the root cause of it.  But even some anger at my dad, like, why couldn’t he have fixed her or even thinking why didn’t he just leave sooner.  Of course I know now that it wasn’t right to think that way, but that’s how I felt and thought at the time.  I also remember thinking maybe it would change my mom for the better.  That was wishful thinking.  She just doubled down on her drinking and depression.

Jen:  How did that make you feel?

Kayla:  I don’t remember ever feeling sorry for her. I reserved that feeling for my dad.  But in hindsight, I understand her choices better now.  They were still the wrong choices and she was weak for having behaved as she did.  But I now see her through the lens of her being a person, not a mom, if that makes sense.  I mean, as a kid, your parents are people you think have some special powers given to parents.  Like,  they are supposed to be endowed with special insights and knowledge about parenting.  As a kid you don’t realize they are just people, with their shortcomings as well as their own strengths.  The thought that they actually lack anything that qualifies them for parenting other than they were able to make a baby is too scary for a child to ever consider. 

Jen: So that’s now.  But what about then.  How did you deal with the various emotions you went through?

Kayla:  While most kids probably end up acting out like, I did what I normally did as a kid.  I doubled down on my goody-two-shoes persona.  I remember thinking, “If I can just make myself as small as possible, my problems will be smaller.”    I studied even harder, did more things around the house for both my mom and my dad, I didn’t complain, didn’t speak unless spoken to..  Let them complain to me.   That’s really where you and Mike come in.

Jen: How so?

Kayla:  I had been babysitting for you all for three or four years at that point, and you all always let me hang around.  I never had to be small around your family.   You, Mike, T1, T2, and J…everyone was so fun to be around.  It was my personal getaway and my chance to be big, not small.   Ha.  The irony just dawned on me.   Now I like to play “little,” yet you and Mike were the ones that gave me the confidence to be “big,” to be heard, to want to engage people around me.  Of course, it’s a different type of little and big, but still, that’s funny to me.

Jen:  Kink humor!   Before we get into our kinds and our relationship, how’s your relationship with your parents now?

Kayla:  Mom is about six years sober now, recently got a boyfriend, and I feel like I am getting to know her for the first time.  It’s strange and awkward at times, but she’s apologized and seems to be a good place emotionally and mentally.   I try to at least call her once a month and stop by maybe once a month or every other month.  We text more frequently lately.    

Dad is dad.  He checks in with me if I haven’t checked in with him recently.  You know I make it a point to see him, probably a week doesn’t go by where I don’t see him.  We have him over here now and then which I really like.

Jen:  That’s a good segue into our relationship.  How did your parents handle that?

Kayla:  As much as you say kids don’t want to know about their parent’s kink, it’s also true that parents don’t want to know about their kid’s kink.  They basically both knew I was bisexual.  I mean, I had never announced it in some declaration.  But I never hid it either.  And before moving in with you I was living with a friend and her husband in sort of a poly-light type relationship.   As you know, in that relationship I was more of a third wheel that was a friend with benefits. It wasn’t really a deep and meaningful relationship.

But no surprise, they were a bit shocked and concerned when I told them I was doing more than just living at your house.  They had initially just thought of it as the two of you just helping me out.  I let them think that for a while.  It was just easier, and I didn’t know where things would really go in our relationship.   But I eventually told them, very straightforward.  “I am in a relationship with Mike and Jen.”   

Because they knew you and already had positive thoughts about you, they didn’t seem to focus on thoughts of perhaps you all were taking advantage of me.   There was a little bit of that, but not much.  It was mostly, “Are you sure?”  “Why would you want that?”  “What’s in it for you?”   “Be careful.”   They both were more focused on me and my decision, which I expected.   My parents were never much about getting mad at others or blaming others.

The one behavior they both modeled for me was personal responsibility.  This may sound odd from an alcoholic mom, but even in her drunken stupors or non-drunk depressive moods, she never railed against the world.   She always blamed herself for her situation.  I guess in some weird ways that had a positive impact on me.   And dad, of course, was always big on personal responsibility.   If I could show him I gave a decision its’ proper consideration, he always supported me.

Jen:   It’s time to throw a bone to my readers, or a boner to the male readers, and use this to segue to more kinky stuff.

UNFORTUNATELY, this post is already pretty epic.  Some I am going to end it here and do a Part II with Kayla, including some pretty amazing and meaningful news that she announced.

NEXT 343:  Kayla Part II.  Kayla Ours – A New Addition

 

208. Inspiration from Kayla

I’ve rewritten this post many times before publishing, finally getting it to a less than epic size.  Too many disjointed thoughts…maybe now it’s finally coherent.  Regardless, the process was beneficial to me as I find it therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings, even if I don’t publish them.  Maybe I’ll stop typing out every conversation in my head.  Maybe I won’t.  But then again, maybe I will.  Humm, no, maybe not.  lol.  

I do have a spanking story for you that I’ll share on another post.  Yep, Jenny got a pretty good one today.  But that story will have to wait.

I ended Post 203, asking Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react?  Did he actually get turned on by it?”

KAYLA AND MICHAUD
Kayla and Michaud have forged quite the unique relationship.  At Kayla’s urging, they committed to a “100% “Authentic” policy as she calls it.  They share with each other whatever whim they are thinking, without regards to political correctness, relationship correctness, or anything else.  A very “in the moment” way of being.  

Kayla said she was inspired by me and my incessant need to get to the root of a feeling (aw shucks).  She thought it would be interesting experiment and take some things she has learned as a submissive and try to apply them to a “normal” relationship.  Put aside the fact that Kayla and Michaud’s relationship doesn’t follow any “norms” that I am aware of.

She said the two of them are often asking the other, “Why?” or “How does that make you feel?” or, “What is it you want me to do?”  They have the habit of starting sentences with, “I feel…”  Neither one of them has ever been so transparent and straight forward in a relationship before. 

SELF CONFIDENCE SNOWBALL
Kayla told me she feels that both her and Michaud have developed a strong sense of confidence.  The confidence gives them the bravery required to reveal more and more of themselves and it feeds on itself.  The more genuine she is, the more she learns about herself.  With confidence high, she reveals more.  This new aspect isn’t rejected, fueling more confidence, more self awareness, which is again shared, and the cycle repeats.     

She also said that in learning so much about Michaud makes her see how unique he is.  She finds the increasing individuality she sees in him makes him even more attractive.  In her words, “He’s gotten sexier since we started this.” At the same time, I sense Kayla is learning a lot about herself, and Michaud is seeing this unique person emerge with her own strong individuality, making her even more attractive to Michaud.  Sounds a lot like Post 68.  To fall in love…do this.  Either that or the sex is just amazing.  Ha!  

Kayla feels all of this started a year ago when she moved in with us.  The self discoveries she made are the foundation for what she has with Michaud.  She said the joy, happiness, and clarity of her “internal monologue” has greatly improved.  She is excited to share that monologue and have it accepted in a relationship.

She knows Michaud could have rejected her from the beginning, or once she shared the news of our dynamic, or once he started experiences the implications of that dynamic, or for countless other reasons people decide not to pursue or continue a relationship.  If she had been rejected she believes it would not have been pleasant but she would not have been crushed – and prior to moving in with us, even the thought of rejection crushed her.   Her new found self confidence doesn’t make room for feeling threatened by rejection.  Of course, Michaud fully accepted her, which clearly is an affirming experience that gives her even more confidence.

And Michaud has fully accepted her.  He has not shown any behaviors I was expecting, at least not anything Kayla has shared with us.   No jealousy, no resentment, no frustration.  I think it’s because Kayla was so honest and clear up front regarding what he was getting into.  Not that he hasn’t had a few complaints.  

He told Kayla he wishes they could spend more time together.  Reasonable!  They do spend a lot of time together, but between school and family expectations, I understand why Michaud wants more.  Btw, I say “family” expectations because we feel Kayla is very much family.  Mike has eliminated a lot, but not all, of her household duties.  Kayla also sees and communicates with her mom and dad. 

Michaud also wants Kayla to spend the night with him.  Mike told Kayla from the beginning that there would be no overnights at Michauds.  Mike has indicated he might change this.  He did allow for a later curfew on New Year’s Eve and has indicated he might be willing to consider okaying an overnight or two. It may seem silly to have a curfew and these restrictions on a 23-year old.  It isn’t about age, it is about submission.  Kayla accepts and appreciates these restrictions.

JEN’S TAKE
I think this is all about authenticity.  Authenticity is highly attractive!  And being authentic requires one thing?  Here it comes again, I’ve only talked about it a bajillion times – vulnerability!  (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 and probably a bunch of others).

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you express your beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations without feeling threatened by the knowledge that some people will take exception.  You also are not threatened by your own faults, so readily admit to them.  You are not judgmental of others, because you want others to be comfortable being vulnerable, because it is where you thrive.

Kayla said it can be exhausting at times, and when it is one of them just says, “I don’t want to play right now, can we just enjoy the moment without dissecting why we are enjoying it?   They’ve both learned to respect the other when one of them reaches this point.  Sometimes there is power in quiet stillness.

JEN’S INSPIRATION
I took several things from Kayla’s example.  I have always taken pride in my self-reflection and dedicated many posts to being authentic, vulnerable, blah, blah, blah (just checking to see if you are actually reading this).  Despite that, as I shared in my last post, I still often fail at being authentic in the moment.  At times I still hold back my feelings until I felt I formulated the “correct” feeling.  By then, the moment is gone.  What is left is bottled up, repressed, unexpressed.  Thus feelings of angst, uneasiness, and anger would manifest themselves out of nowhere in controlling, passive aggressive ways.

With inspiration from Kayla, I am doubling down on my making sure I express myself.  Reminding myself to separate “thoughts” from “feelings” and to just allow myself to feel and express that feeling, without the filter of thought.  I have definitely been doing a better job of this the last three years, but still not where I want to be.  I think finally connecting with the likely “source” of my bad habit (per prior post) will help me purge it entirely – if that is even possible to undo a habit ingrained since childhood.

EXPRESSIVE SUBMISSIVE?
Being submissive doesn’t mean being passive when it comes to sharing feelings.  In my DD we have created the perfect forum for expressing myself in a constructive manner.  My DD requires me to be respectful, truthful, and forthcoming.  And when it is one of those times where the only acceptable response is, “Yes, Sir,” I still have ways to express my feelings.  In those situations I have my journal and then in a Maintenance Sessions I can share what I was feeling in the moment.

I am not required to always agree with Mike, nor am I not allowed to take exception to something he does.  But my means of disagreement or objection are structured — not to quiet them, but to give them more impact.  I’ve found that being submissive has resulted in Mike being more attentive to my needs and feelings.  

ENOUGH, WHAT DID MICHAUD SAY ON NEW YEARS EVE?
I had this all written out in sexy, lurid, and nether-region tingling detail.  But when I shared it with Kayla she thought it was weird for me to write about what she told me.  So I decided to omit the blow-by-blow, titillating details (pun intended). 
Kayla told Michaud that Mike had sex with her just before she left the house.  In what has become his habit, Michaud asked her about the details, and Kayla obliged.  Kayla then told him, “Sir did this specifically with you in mind as he wanted me to have a good sex story to tell you.  And he specifically told me not to clean up”  

Michaud got this sort of “Ewww” look to his face and then said, “So, are you a bit messy down there?”  And in keeping with their “authentic” ways Kayla said, “I think so, I kinda feel it, let’s take a look.”  And she pulled her pants and panties down to reveal some wet panties. 

At that point I think they cheated.  Michaud said, “fine, just so happens I was hoping we would have sex in the shower.”  Kayla wasn’t sure what Mike would think of this but she went along and later that evening they had shower sex.  She was pretty sure Mike was going to spank her for this but he didn’t.  Mike said it wasn’t about trying to cock-block Michaud.  It was primarily focused on giving Kayla something to think about regarding a command from him and her submissiveness to him.  Clearly it was on her mind when she was Michaud, so mission accomplished.

DON’T CALL ME SOMETHING TO SHARE (exception)
I don’t know if there will be a point where Michaud tires of “sharing” Kayla with us.  I put that in quotes because when Kayla first read this she told me she is sensitive to using the word “share” regarding time with Michaud.  She said Michaud used that word once and she told him quite sternly she is not his to be “shared.”  She may choose to split her time with other duties in life, whether it be school or anything else, but it isn’t about sharing her time with him. 

She feels the word “share” should be reserved for something like dessert, or an Uber, or some other “thing.”  Not a person.  Then she was quick to add, “or reserved for a submissive, because if Sir is wanting to share me in some way, then yes, I can be shared.”

I found this to serve as further evidence that Kayla is not looking to be submissive to Michaud.   She has always said this, but it is stories like that which show she really means it.  And of course she does, because she tell us if she felt otherwise – her authenticity demands it!

P.S. I discovered I left Kayla off my updates I did to my ABOUT section.  Shame on me.  I wrote it out but forgot to cut and paste it into the post.  I will get on that now!  Sorry, Kayla!

NEXT: 209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

182. Hello, my name is Kayla!

Someone commented asking if Kayla would post something, so, without further ado . .  .

Hi ya!   Yes, I am Kayla. Jenny asked me if I wanted to write on her blog, and asked me, and asked me.   I didn’t know what to write so I kept putting her off, but, finally, here I am.   She asked me to write about something I am passionate about.  Well, like many twenty-somethings, I am passionate about putting off adulting!  HA!!!  

I think adulting means to live on my own, financially independent, with of course, a job.  At least I have an excuse.  I am still a student and I just turned 23, not 33!  But to be honest, part of the appeal of graduate school was the excuse it gave me to put off having to fully “adult.” Of course Jen and Mike tease me that I am kinda “adulting” in a different form of the word.  After all, I am participating in their adultery!   But as Jenny says, “I digress!”

I have other passions, like Mike and Jen!  lol.  Seriously though, they are a passion of mine.  I figure you want to know how or why.  That’s what people ask me when I tell them about my relationship.  It’s hard to describe why you are attracted to what attracts you.  It isn’t simple, but I’ll give it a go.

I first met them when I was about 10 or 11 as I lived a couple of houses down from them.  One of their sons is about my age.  I tried hard to be his friend just so I could spend more time with his family.  T was always nice to me and tolerated my showing up to “hang out.”  But, we didn’t have a lot in common.  On the upside, I did get to learn Grand Theft Auto, which I feigned interest in just to have a reason to hang around.

For some reason I immediately connected with Mike and Jen.  My parents always said I was their “little adult.”  Even when I had family gatherings, I was more comfortable with my aunts and uncles than I was with my cousins.   It wasn’t that I wanted Mike and Jen to be my parents, but I did love spending time with them.  I always felt so warm and welcomed in their house.  So “visible” and included.  I liked the way everyone in the family treated each other.  It was fun, loving, and most of all, nurturing.   This was different from my own home.  There were moments of fun, a thread of love that loosely bound us, but not much nurturing.  The simplest example is that Mike and Jen’s family are huggers.  It is how they say hello and goodbye.  My family?  Hugs only came when there were apologies or consoling needed.  Unfortunately there were plenty of those kind of  hugs.

There were times I came over to hang out with T but then spent the whole time talking to “Mr. and Mrs. H” as I use to call them.  As soon as I was able I volunteered myself to babysit J.  It was simple things…just playing with him while Jenny ran an errand.  But as I got older and earned more trust, I would watch him in the evenings as Mike and Jen went out.  I even went along with them on outings to serve as another set of hands for Jenny.   I even went on a couple of vacations with them.  Very wonderful memories for me.

At first I wanted to be like Jenny when I grew up.  She seemed so confident and controlled.  I also remember recognizing that her happiness was from within, independent of others around her, even though it was clear her family brought her a lot of joy.  I always thought, “I want to be like that.  I need to be like that.” 

My initial thoughts of Mike were that he was a nice man.  He treated Jenny and his family so well, and was always nice to me.  Like Jenny, any time I was over he made it a point to have a conversation with me.  It made me feel important.  There were times I wished he was my dad.  I really loved it when we would be out and they would refer to me as their “niece.”  It was just a simple way to answer people who asked if I was their daughter.  It was nicer than, “No, just some kid who hangs around our family.”  

Then, about when puberty hit, I got this crush on Mike.  I remember the exact moment it hit me.  I hugged him goodbye and I squeezed a little harder than usual, and he squeezed back.  Nothing extreme, nothing sexual.  Good God, I was only 12!   Just that little bit harder hug than usual and perhaps a little bit longer as well, by like a second or two.  Whatever, it put such a huge smile on my face and it put a tickle in a place I’ve never felt tickled before.  Ooh, gross, I know, but that was just me and my body reacting.  Mike didn’t do anything weird to cause it.  It’s just what happens around that age.  It just so happens that for me, my trigger was some “old guy.”  LOL! 

I don’t know if Jenny wrote about this but I told them my first memory of masturbating was to thoughts of Mike and it occurred shortly after “the hug.”  We aren’t talking graphic sexual images in my head.  It was really just playing that hug over and over in my mind.  Thoughts of  running my hands over his hairy chest.  I’ve seen him in bathing suits so knew what his chest looked like.  Just thinking about him hugging me, telling me nice things, and stroking my arm (which he didn’t actually do….this was just in my fantasy).   That was all it took to have my first orgasm  (okay, that and my fingers).  Okay, okay, I know. Icky!  You are like, “STOP TALKING ABOUT PRE-TEEN SEX STUFF!”  I am just sayin’ that yes, I had this crush on Mike at a young age.   

When Jenny shared that her and Mike were into DD, my initial reaction was I just had to know more.  I admired them both so much I figured whatever they were into had to be interesting.  Add to that was Jenny seeming so enthusiastic and happy about it.  And her sharing something that personal really made me feel special.  I also had no idea what all their dynamic really included.  At first I thought, “Like, okay, Mike spanks her because she wants him to, no biggie.”  I had no idea what their DD or D/s was about.    

I just know when she shared it with me I knew she was sharing something very personal.  This made me pour my soul out to her about lots of things in my life.  In the process of sharing so much, I felt a different type of closeness with Jenny.  I can hear her say, “Vulnerability does that to people!”.  Even though she is much older than me, I felt more like a peer, a friend, a confidant.  I felt I was no longer that “little girl” who just hung around their family. 

Although I am shy in crowds I’ve been pretty sexually adventurous even before this. I was already a “third” in another relationship before getting into a relationship with Mike and Jen.  I had sex with boys and girls, including threesomes, so, I wasn’t sexually naive.  As the three of us starting talking and sharing more, I knew I wanted to be a part of their life and a part of their dynamic.   And here I am! 

Now you know a little about what got me into this crazy thing — Ha ha!  J/k of course.  I love it here! 

NEXT:  183 Spanking with F.O.C.U.S.

 

 

 

135. Kayla and me. The MILF and the Nubile

I thought I’d write a bit about my relationship with Kayla.  Just her and I.   This post is a bit of a ramble – a collection of various disjointed thoughts on our relationship.   Sorry about that, I wasn’t feeling creative enough to weave a story with a nice intro, arch, and conclusion.

It sounds and feels very natural to me to say we are in love.  It was a progressive thing.  I shared the background of her relationship with our family in several posts and introduced her on Post 76. Meet the Babysitter.  She grew up around my family and even joined us on some family vacations.  The way we described it at the time was that Kayla was like a cousin to our kids and Mike and I were like her uncle and aunt.  There were times we even told people she was our niece, or she told people we were her aunt and uncle.   It made it easier to explain and I know it made Kayla feel good as well.

When I decided to come out to Kayla about my submissive lifestyle, I had absolutely no inkling that it would lead to where it has led.  I wanted her to know about my DD simply because she hung around our household a lot and I no longer wanted to hide it from her.  I simply wanted to be my full self around her.

The revelation to her, covered in Post 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla,  resulted in her confiding a lot in me.  I learned a lot more about her regarding her sexuality (pansexual). She also shared she was a “third” in a relationship with another couple.  Even then, I had no thoughts of her and I together, or her and Mike, or any of that.  But I was feeling something at the time.  I think it goes back to the power of vulnerability.   People become very attractive when they are vulnerable.   But I didn’t think of it as love. It was more like adoration.  But, I did give sex a thought but only in jest as it seemed so cliché regarding sex with the babysitter.  I didn’t seriously think anything of it.  It wasn’t long until those thoughts began to be more serious. 

Kayla admitted that she always had a crush on Mike, ever since she was about 13 or 14-years-old.  And she says that while she didn’t identify as bisexual or attracted to girls in general, she always felt attracted to me.  She wanted to be like me, wanted my approval, and physically liked being close to me.  She said the first time she masturbated to the thoughts of being with a woman, it was a fantasy that included me.   Kayla says that when I opened up to her about my DD it immediately lit the spark that was already in her heart for me and for Mike.  (Vulnerability and authenticity can be powerful like that).

As for me and Mike, our sexual attraction and deeper love for Kayla took a little time to build, but not much.  For Mike, it started as simply sexual.  He was initially ‘for it” simply on sexual grounds.  For me, it was a mix of emotions and reasons.   Part love, part curiosity, part submission to Mike, part excitement, and part wanting to help Kayla.

As we quickly got to know the full “adult” Kayla, both Mike and I realized how much we loved being around her.  She injected a new energy in the house and fit so perfectly with how Mike and I “operate” as a couple.  It is hard to describe what it is, but her demeanor, her take on life, her approach to things, etc., all complimented me and Mike.   They aren’t exact, no more than they are exact within a two person relationship.  The few differences were complimentary and never a source of conflict.  Instead, they were sources of growth for all of us.  Just a perfect fit that I can’t fully describe.

She moved in just after Christmas, so it has only been five months, but it feels longer.  Not longer in the sense of someone overstaying a welcome, but longer in the sense that I can’t imagine not having her with us.  In addition to the intense emotional connection she has with me and with Mike, there is of course the amazing sex, the submission, and the mundane household support.  It is amazing what one more set of hands means to running a household.  I was already running a pretty tight ship regarding household chores, but with Kayla here, the house is immaculate.  Mike had to add dozens of new chores for us to do because we work so well in getting everything done.  She enjoys the various household acts of service as much as I do.

Day-to-day Kayla and I stay very busy.  Every day has many household duties for us to perform and we diligently do them all.  I don’t think I mentioned our fish before. We have four different fish tanks, some fresh water, some salt water.  They take a lot care and attention.  Mike’s the fish aficionado and Kayla knows an awful lot about them too.  It is a hobby they share in.

There are days with some down time, and Kayla does schedule in time to spend with her friends or visit her mom. There are some days where Kayla and I have sex during the day, just the two of us.  And there have been some threesomes with just the two of us and Donna.

We also spend a lot of time talking about just about anything ranging from current events, pop culture, you name it.  We also talk a lot about our individual needs for submissiveness.  As I shared before, Kayla thrives on a more Master/Slave dynamic with Mike. She is submissive to me, but definitely in a D/s way and even then, I’d call it “D/S-light.”  She calls me Ma’am, and always make sure there isn’t anything I need of her before she does something for herself.

I spank her when necessary, depending on the situation. If it is something significant, I might do an appropriate immediate punishment and leave it for Mike to determine her ultimate punishment needs once he gets home.  On days Mike is working at home, I consult with him and he might instruct me as to a punishment to perform, or he may tell me he will address it when he has a moment.

Anytime I punish Kayla I give Mike a full report.  When I do punish her I am accountable to Mike for giving Kayla “the punishment she needs and that is consistent with the punishment he would give.”  This means I have to try to think like Mike in determining how to punish her.  I could be punished by Mike if he feels I was too soft or too harsh on Kayla.  Mike will question me as to why I choose a particular punishment and why I thought he would agree it was appropriate.   So far, I’ve gotten it right and haven’t been punished for giving an “incorrect” punishment to Kayla.  

While I don’t thrive on being a Dom, I do enjoy my role with Kayla.  It is a softer type of Dom.  I like the lecturing part of a punishment the best, and I like the after care.  When I am spanking her or performing some other punishment,  I identify more with her than as a Dom.  I think about what she is feeling and going through and don’t focus on or give thought to what I am doing or seeing.  I don’t get a sense of  “domination”  but I do get a sense of her submission.

I have mentioned before that I love to watch her and Mike. Even just knowing they are having sex is arousing to me.  I like sharing Mike with her in that way,  and I like knowing that she enjoys herself immensely.  I have no complaints about Mike’s lovemaking, but Kayla considers his prowess to be at the level of a sex god.  I like that she feels that way, and I like the fact that Mike knows she feels that way.  I will say, Mike is very attentive to her sexual needs and I think because of the whole dynamic we have, Mike is able to give her things that other guys, especially those closer to her age, simply can’t or would never give.  

If there is anything more you’d like to know, just comment.  I am happy to share or answer any questions.

Oh – and in case you’re wondering, “Did Jen just post an actual picture of her and Kayla?” Part of me wants to keep you in suspense on that one.  It would be a nice cliff hanger… 

Okay, so no, it isn’t, but it is a great representation.   It is about the right age difference – the person in the photo looks perhaps just a few years older than I am (I am referring to the young gal on the right.   Not!).  Both people share a lot of facial features consistent to how we each look, which is why I used it.  We are both brunette’s though.  So sorry to disappoint if you thought it was us.  Hey, this vulnerability thing can only be taken so far. If it makes you feel better, maybe it really is us?  

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