Tag Archives: jealousy

192. Vanquishing Negativity

192

Failure to understand the problem impedes any attempts to solve it.

If you’ve read enough of my posts, especially ones I’ve filed under Random Ruminations, I am someone who gets to the bottom of what I am feeling.  I keep at it until I am satisfied that I can reconcile what it was that triggered that emotion.   The reason I am that way is because I believe negative feelings are always symptoms of a problem. They are never the problem themselves.  Shining the brightest possible light on your feelings will help you get to the root of the problem.   

JENNY PSYCHOLOGY 
I am quick to play armchair psychologist.  I don’t have a degree in psychology, (but I was a school counselor and have a master’s in guidance and counseling).  So yeah, enough to play an expert on my blog.   No offense to you real experts out there.  Hey, if you disagree, then share your comments!

Example: “It makes me angry when you do x.”

You can deal with the symptom of anger by simply avoiding x.    Problem solved. Or is it?
More than likely, x will recur, and again you get angry.  In fact, other things may occur and you get angry at that as well.

Or, you can find out why x makes you angry.  You are likely to find it was rooted in far more than x.  There was a y and z that you didn’t realize were there.  Now address the root causes of  y and z, and suddenly, not only does x no longer anger you, but you are no longer unsettled by y and z that were subconsciously nagging at you.   Result- you are a happier you!

FIND YOUR TRUTH (Hint: it isn’t always going to easily reveal itself)
The challenge is having an open and honest dialogue with yourself.  Typically, this is where it goes wrong as the first fault is typically yours.  You fail to be honest with yourself, thus you justify your anger instead of confronting it.  To successfully confront it, you need to ask yourself “Why?” and whatever the answer, ask yourself again, “But why?” and then again, “But why?”  Keep doing it until whatever you are thinking soundly resonates with your soul. That’s when you know you’ve found your truth.

If you are honest with yourself, now you have to deal with being honest with others, and they must be honest with you.  That’s two more potential faults to overcome.  And where does all this honesty come from so that you can avoid the faults?   Hey, if you read my blog, I don’t have to say it.  Here it comes.  It’s that “V” word again. Vulnerability.  Many, many posts dedicated to that topic (just Google ddjennifer vulnerability). Lastly, sometimes all the vulnerability and honesty just aren’t enough.  That’s where I was with this.  I was stuck in trying to reconcile what I was feeling.   

I realized that I typically post about my feelings after I have reconciled them.  Thus, I probably come across as always joyful, always positive, etc.  Well, I am a joyful and positive person, but of course there are times I have to deal with stuff. 

This time, I posted before I worked through my issues.  Reason being was I was feeling stuck.  In other words, despite my best efforts I wasn’t connecting to the core of what I was truly feeling.  I had to really work through reconciling my feelings over the events I shared on my last post.    Writing about it helped. After I wrote about it, it just took one final talk with the three of us and it all started to come into focus.

REALIZATIONS
Here is a summary of the “mental walk” I went on:

PART 1:  My feelings about Kayla

  • Sex that is raw, wild, and even crude, is not unfamiliar to me.  The three of us have been plenty “freaky.”  We have watched and have been watched by each other.  So it wasn’t the “rawness” that bothered me regarding Kayla, I am sure of that.
  • I believe for me it “crossed a line” because it encroached on the “sanctity” of the Discipline Ceremony and Discipline Integrity.  However, those terms are unique to my Contract, not Kayla’s. 
  • While Kayla’s submission has always been a “deeper, darker” submission than mine, until that moment her punishments still followed in the spirit of my ceremony and integrity.
  • Part of what I was feeling was disconnected from what was happening.  That disturbed me.  But as I think about it now, I don’t have a right to require such as connection.  That connection is a bonus.  It is not an obligation that Mike or Kayla have towards me. 
  • Her needs are different from mine. She is not me.  Mike has been phenomenal in treating us based on our unique needs and personalities.  I do not want Kayla to be treated like me, nor do I want to be treated like her.   
  • My feelings that were at the root of my lack of compersion for what Kayla was experiencing were reasonable in the moment.  It was just something I never experienced before so it shook me a little.  I was thinking, “Does she really like that?” “Is that what she wants?”   
  • Upon reflection, I see those questions were rooted in a bit of selfishness on my part.  “I” didn’t like that.  “I” don’t want that.  Thus, my selfish feelings disconnected me from the joy I normally feel for Kayla’s pleasure.     
  • I rejoice in Kayla’s happiness with her dynamic with Mike.  I believe if I were to witness that incident again, I will feel joy for Kayla.

Part 2:  My feelings about Mike

  • Although the rawness and forcefulness no longer bothered me regarding Kayla, it still bothered me regarding Mike.  It was like I was watching a part of him I hadn’t seen before.  That was unsettling as we’ve been married 26 years and experienced a lot of things sex-wise. 
  • Clearly, I did not like watching him delivering discipline and having sex in the manner he was doing it.  But my initial reaction was more than just dislike.  The word that resonated when I thought of it was “safe.”  In that moment, I didn’t feel safe. In other words, I felt threatened.   Now that I had a word for my feeling, I can work on resolution. 
  • To clarify, feeling threatened is not the same as feeling jealous, although they are close cousins of one another.  Feeling threatened can come from jealousy, but it can come from other places to.  
  • In this case, since I most connected to the word “safe” I believe the threatening feeling was rooted in fear. Fear in that this was what Mike liked. This was what he wants. Not from Kayla, but from me.  And since I did not have any positive feelings about what I was seeing, I was fearful that I could soon be in Kayla’s place, experiencing that kind of sex with discipline.  
  • I will do a lot of things for Mike that are not what I would choose absent Mike’s demands.   The act of doing them is an act of submission.   The boundless joy and fulfillment I get from the submission completely negates any thoughts about my own preferences.  My overarching preference is to do as he demands, not do as I prefer absent his demands.  BUT — 
  • There are limits.  And this is one of them.  Mike and I talked about not mixing sex with discipline. I even wrote a little bit about it back in April 2016, as sex started to intertwine with our DD (POST 14).   We never talked a whole lot about it because our early talks were very clear and we understood each other.  Thus, it was a non-issue until this incident.  
  • Mike and I had an honest discussion and he agreed that we would continue to keep sex and discipline distinct in our DD.  He said he had no desire to mix them and in addition, knows that I don’t either.  
  • Mike is not promising he won’t do this again.  He might incorporate the two with Kayla, but now feels this should be relegated to a rare exception.  While Kayla enjoyed it, as did he, he understands the value of keeping them separate.  In fact, he said that after seeing how Kayla reacted– she was very into it–  withholding sex when she is getting turned on by the discipline will serve as another punishment all by itself. He just will have to be more diligent with any urges he is feeling.  

So there you have it.  I fully accept what happened.  In hindsight I am pleased that it worked for Kayla and Mike.  Further, I can accept a recurrence of it, with the caveat that it remains an exception.  I still believe I will have an issue with it if it were an everyday thing.  Both Mike and Kayla understand why that is, and at this point they agree that they don’t want it to be a “go to” thing.  With that, I am closing the file on this emotional incident and stamping it, “Vanquished!”

BUT WHY?
P.S.  This post didn’t get into why I want to keep sex and discipline distinct.  The three of us had a lot to share about that.  Suffice to say, it’s just how I am wired.  Since there was consensus, we saw no need to dive further into why it should or shouldn’t be distinct.  Such a deeper dive would have been necessary if Mike or Kayla felt differently.  I wonder what the discussion would have been if we needed this deeper dive, but there is no value in speculating.   Everyone is happy with the outcome.  That is, assuming we were open, honest, and vulnerable to each other,   Based on our history, I feel confident we were.

NEXT: 193. Lovebirds and Spankings

186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend

186

PREAMBLE
I believe that everyone should have exactly as much sex as they do or don’t want to have, with whomever they do or don’t want to have it, in whatever fashion they do or don’t want to have it.  Only two conditions; 1. Legal consent must be present.  2.  You must be transparent with your committed partner(s) regarding your sexual activities that do not include them.  If those conditions apply, then no one needs to justify their sexual choices.

Not sure why I felt compelled to share that, but I did.  With that out of the way. . .

KAYLA’S PLUS ONE PART TWO
This is a continuation of my last post, Kayla’s Plus One.

So Kayla told Michaud about her being Mike’s submissive as well as her overall dynamic with Mike and I.  Not every detail mind you, but the “big stuff” that allowed him to understand what he was getting into if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Kayla.

HIS REACTION
Simply put, it went well.  Kayla was happy and that is all that matters.  Michaud still wants to see her, albeit a bit bewildered.  

She told us he did have a lot of questions after all.  Turned out, he was suspicious that something “unique” was going on with her but couldn’t place it.  He purposely didn’t pepper her with questions.  He was concerned that he might offend her if he presumed something incorrectly.  I can see how awkward it could have been if he questioned her “collar” with some BDSM or M/s reference only for Kayla to say, “Uh, what are you talking about?”   

He had concerns about what it could mean for them in the long run if things get really serious.  However, after they talked about it he resolved this much like we have.  Michaud’s view was, “Why worry about that now.  We only know a little bit about each other at this point.  Let’s not create problems that don’t exist and see where it takes us.  We can deal with problems when we are actually faced with them.”  I believe this is the perfect mindset to have in this situation.   

He very clearly told her that he does not want to stop seeing her and that this “only intrigues him more.”  He told Kayla, “There are a lot more layers to you than I thought.  I find you very interesting, not as an oddity, but as in, I want to understand this girl more.”

He had questions trying to understand what the D/s dynamic was about.  Lunch in a restaurant wasn’t conducive to such detailed talks.  Kayla told him that she needed to get home as she has chores to do, but she should be available after dinner to Face Time or Skype or whatever they use – “assuming Mike allowed it.”  Their lunch ended with a hug and kiss, so clearly he took it well.

SHARING THE MEAT AND POTATOES OF HER DYNAMIC
Last night they talked for about two hours. 
Kayla was very clear on how things were and needed to be.  She shared with him the fulfillment she gets from being submissive to Mike, the types of behaviors she gets punished for, what Mike and I mean to her, a little bit about what types of discipline she receives, and that she has sex with Mike and I “all the time.”  Okay, maybe that is more than “meat and potatoes.”  A bit of salad and desert too?   Whatever the idiom, suffice to say she shared plenty, but not every detail.  

Kayla also asked him plenty of questions about what he thought.  His biggest concern was about her availability to be with him given her “obligations” to Mike and I.  She told him that she would work out something with Mike.  She said they simply should get together whenever they could do so.  She told him, “The answer may be no sometimes, but that’s just the way it is, no different than if I were working, had other family obligations, school, etc.”  

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP COMMITMENT IS THIS?
Michaud asked Kayla if she planed on pursuing more sexual relationships.  She said the way he put it was, “Just how many boyfriends or girlfriends are enough?”

Kayla jokingly responded with, “Who said you and I were ever having sex?  Assuming you are able to woo me, here’s how it works with me. . . ”  Kayla told him it wasn’t about “enough” and she wasn’t going to commit to anything regarding other relationships.  She did say that she has no plans to pursue more relationships, but in all honesty she can only commit to him that she would be open and honest when and if she had the desire to seek additional relationships.    

Further, Kayla asked for, and received, an equal commitment from him that if their relationship got to be “too much” for him, he should share those feelings with her and share them quickly, not letting them fester.  From the sound of it, it seems Kayla has her head on straight when it comes to this poly stuff!

They talked about Michaud being free to pursue other relationships.  They wouldn’t consider themselves exclusive to each other, but would consider themselves “responsible” to each other regarding not hiding other relationships.   This was all new to Michaud.  He has only been in “traditional” relationships until now.  And Kayla jokingly added, “Yeah, those kind where people cheat.”  She did so because Michaud had shared some prior relationship experiences of being both the cheater and being cheated on.

Kayla also suggested that he read up on poly relationships so he could better understand the potential pitfalls, along with the potential fulfillment, they can bring.   

Michaud asked Kayla if he was required to meet with Mike.  Kayla told him, as we had already discussed, that no, there was no “requirement” for him to meet Mike (or me).  Both Mike and I believe her thing with Michaud is “her thing.”  It does not include us.  Not that we are opposed to ever meeting him, but, it is not a prerequisite.  Such meetings don’t have to be more than him dropping by to see Kayla or pick her up.  Michaud was good with that.

Overall, Kayla said Michaud was “good” with everything.  While he had several answers that were, “we will just have to see how that plays out,” there wasn’t anything he seemed overly concerned with or that he objected to.

From her account of the conversation, it seems Kayla was unapologetic about her dynamic with us.  She seemed to convey a strong resolve in staying committed to our dynamic and was frank and honest in her answers so as not to set an unrealistic view of how things are or will be.  She presented our dynamic as very much a part of who she is and Michaud must accept it, else he is rejecting who she is and that would be that.  Thus far he has accepted it.   But, talk is one thing.  When you start living it, human emotions take over and things get “real.”

JEALOUSY
Kayla, Mike, and I had another discussion on what to be prepared for, namely regarding jealousy.  For instance, at some point Michaud may want to know why she isn’t submissive to him, or why Mike has a level of control over her that he does not have.  It may be irritating to Michaud for Kayla to have to be accountable to Mike.  Even more irritating is simply knowing your girlfriend does things for someone else that they won’t do for you, whether mundane acts of service or something sexual.  It is only natural for someone to have a hard time with that.   They didn’t have that conversation yet, but it is best to have it soon, before such feelings fester.

We even talked about the risk that either Mike or I could become jealous.  Mike half-jokingly said, “Well, I can always play the Dom-card.”  He added, “But seriously, we want you to have a fulfilling relationship with Michaud and it is up to you to sense when you need more or less fulfillment from us or more and less from him.  It would be unfair for me to impose anything that took away from your fulfillment.  Of course, the caveat being I will step in if I sense you are fooling yourself or Michaud regarding what you get and give to your relationship together.  Is that understood?”

Yes, Sir,” Kayla smiled.

“And not that I am fond of repeating myself,” added Mike, but given your spanking yesterday, I will reassure you yet again.  We are very happy for you and encourage you to pursue a relationship with Michaud to the extent YOU want to do so.  Don’t feel obligated to us.  Stay obligated to yourself, your feelings, your needs, your desires.  That is what brings us the greatest joy.  My role as your Dom is not to dictate what fulfills you, but to lead you to what fulfills you, even if that means you want to spend more time with Michaud than us.  Is that understood?

“YES, SIR,” Kayla said loudly and proudly.

ADMINISTRIVIA
Oh, and Kayla told him he needed to get tested for STD’s.  She reciprocated and offered to have Mike and I do the same if he wanted that (we discussed this before hand).  At first he was a bit reluctant, saying it just seemed “weird” to do that, but he eventually said he understood why and that it was probably a good idea.  He would get tested and he asked that the three of us do as well.

Off to the doctor!   See, already something we have to do because of Michaud!  I told you relationships can complicate things!  (Sarcasm implied).  Oh the things we do for This Thing we Do!

NEXT:  187. Happy Wife. Happy Life.

98. Three’s Company Housekeeping

housekeeping

I thought I’d share some various “housekeeping” issues that we have had to address with Kayla soon moving in.  I am sure we will discover there are more things we have to tackle once she is here, but her are the topics we’ve thought about and discussed thus far.

Sleeping arrangements
Kayla is moving into the bedroom adjacent to our master bedroom.  I’ve shared the layout (Post 80-Breakthrough) of our rooms before but will recap again.  This bedroom is actually attached to the master with its own entry way after you have entered the master bedroom.  It was designed to serve as a nursery.  We had the option of putting a door in the hallway so it was indeed a completely separate bedroom, or putting the door within the master bedroom.   The way we designed it is that there are large double doors that lead into the master and immediately to the left when you walk in is another door into what will be Kayla’s room.  To the right is one more door that leads to our master.  It sounds way more opulent that it is.  Suffice to say, in many ways we are sharing the bedroom with Kayla.

Of course this may raise questions from family members.  We have J’s room, our middle son’s room, and Mike’s office.  So unless Mike moved his office, there really wasn’t another choice.  And there is sufficient privacy for Kayla’s room that gives us “plausible deniability” regarding any suspicions of hanky-panky.  Our middle son, I’ll call him T2 (because T1 would be our eldest), is practically on his own.  T2 is in college and only spends maybe a month out of the year with us but still needs a room to call home.

The reality is Kayla will sleep with us most nights.  Our king sized bed will comfortably accommodate three adults.

Sex
There are no specific rules around sex.  The three of us are free to have sex with any one of the other two.  Neither Mike nor Kayla are compelled to tell me about any sex they have, nor are they discouraged from doing so.  It is up to them and I see no reason that I must know every time they do something together.

Outside relationships?
We told Kayla she is free to date as she wishes.  At this point she says she has no interest in doing so and is committed to focusing on our relationship with her.  She will let us know if it happens and she promises to practice safe sex.

Birth control and that time of the month?
I believe I mentioned before that Mike has had a vasectomy and I had an “oblation” procedure that basically stops me from having a period.   Coincidentally, John also had a vasectomy and Donna had the same procedure I did.  Thus, we have not had to give any thought to this before Kayla.   Kayla has been on birth control but is stopping it.  She says she doesn’t like the way it makes her feel and she sees no reason for it as long as she is exclusive with us.  It is her choice and we are fine with it.  We also have to modify things regarding her nakedness, punishments, and sex when she is on her period.  Just one of those things when you are a young and fertile sub!

Money
Kayla’s father provides her a nice monthly allowance and said he would continue to do so as long as she returns to school in the fall.  Kayla has held a part-time job before, but hasn’t been working lately.  She really wants to spend a lot of time volunteering the first half of the year with a local pet rescue association.   We are charging her a nominal rent, and her car is paid for, so she does not have that many expenses and will be fine with what her father is providing her.

Date Nights?
As Kayla was one of our go-to babysitters, what now?  Is it fair to leave her home while Mike and I go out?   We all decided that it was, but, would also give Kayla some one-on-one time.  Once a month we will have a girls-night-out with just her and I.  Donna may join us depending on what we are doing.  Once a month Mike and I will have a date night that is just the two of us.  No Kayla, no John and Donna.   Once a month Mike and Kayla will have a date night and I’ll stay home.   That typically leaves one extra weekend where the three of us will go out together and I’ll get my sister to watch J.

To avoid suspicion we may have to get clandestine about it.  Perhaps Kayla leaving on her own to “go out with friends” and then we meet up with her.  Whatever, we will figure it out.

Five’s a crowd?  John/Donna?
Kayla is not interested in sex with John and Donna.   At some point she may change her mind and want to be more involved but she says she just wants to hang out with the four of us and just observe.   Both Mike and I think that is a great idea as there is enough for Kayla to adjust to for now.   We don’t want her to feel left out and we don’t want her to feel compelled to have sex out of a feeling of being left out.  We will have to watch her reaction and stay sensitive to her needs.  We love our time with John and Donna but Kayla will come first. (Or perhaps in this scenario, come last – ha!  That was a sex joke just in case you missed it).

Maintenance Sessions/Punishments
I mentioned in Post 94-Kayla’s Contract, that Kayla wants a daily Maintenance Session, at least at first.   That, plus any punishments she may get will both pose a potential problem.  As we have already experienced, Kayla is a crier and a pretty loud one at that.   While our room is pretty far from J’s room, the noise is just too much.   We encourage Kayla to be as loud as she needs to be, thus we don’t want her to feel pressured to muffle it.  We talked with John and Donna and they agreed that when necessary we can send Kayla over to their house to await a punishment.   They even suggested that she simply knock on the door and state that she is being punished, nothing else.  They will let her in without speaking further to her.  She will take her clothes off and go stand in a corner and wait for Mike.  While she would be in their full view while waiting the corner, Mike and Kayla will go into one of their bedrooms when it is time to spank her.

Kayla dreads the idea of this but at the same time said she was thrilled by it.  Of course, we also had to address logistics such as letting John and Donna know what was up if they weren’t home (as Kayla will let herself in and we need to make sure John and Donna aren’t expecting company.  Also, in the event it isn’t convenient to John and Donna there will just have to be a deferred punishment.

Third-wheel syndrome?
Let’s face it. The level of commitment that Mike and I share will always surpass the level between Mike and Kayla or Kayla and me.   That’s just the reality of it and we all felt we had to address it head on.  Being the bookworm she is, Kayla has read a lot about polyamory and says she knows what she is getting into and is prepared.  She recognizes that she is in a bit of a honeymoon phase, as we all are with her, and can’t predict where emotions will lead any of us.  She says she has no delusions about us being Mr. and Mrs. Right.  As cold as it may sound, she cherishes the fact that we are most definitely Mr. and Mrs. Right Now.  She has expressed many times how lucky she feels to be a part of us and how excited she is to be on this journey.  As she puts it, she knows we are but one chapter, maybe two or three, of what is to come with her life but we are not the entire book.

Privacy
She will have her own room with her things and can request some private time when she needs it, as long as it does not include crying (see Post 93-Post Inspection).  Also, we purchased her a large chest with a lock.  She can store her journal and sex toys. Speaking of which . . .

Toys / Paddles – Her’s, Mine, and Ours
I mentioned in Post 94-Kayla’s Contract, that we talked about getting some new spanking implements and toys just for Kayla.  We can share some things, but we both liked the idea of having our own.  Kayla and I already did some online shopping together and she picked up a vibe, plug, restraints, outfit, and a few paddles.   Oh, here is an interesting factoid about Kayla.  She has never owned a sex toy and has never done anal.  Oh, is that TMI?  I got her permission to share that!  Regardless, her lack of experience was more than offset by her curiosity and sense of adventure.  She picked out some great items!

Jealousy?
If you read my Post 79-Anxiety…Jealousy  or my  Post 87-There it Was, you know I am no stranger to jealousy or resentment.  I can honestly say I feel none of those things.  I think more correctly, I do not sense their presence.  I’ve learned that doesn’t mean they aren’t there, but in all good conscience,  I do not believe they are.  I am thrilled with how things have turned out thus far and am excited about where this is headed.   Like we remind Kayla, there are bound to be some missteps along the way but our intentions are pure and our hearts are open to the possibilities of what may come.

Any other logistics that we should address?

Next: 99.  Be Here Now Slut 

90. Delightfully naughty – Mike’s date night with Donna

naught

If you are a regular reader I hope you aren’t getting tired of hearing about Donna.  John returns home this weekend so things should get a bit back to “normal” (if you want to call anything about my life “normal”).   I do have some Kayla updates, perhaps my next post?  Until then . . .

I wrote this last night but ran out of time due to my “curfew” so I am posting it now.

Strange(love).
Mike wanted to see the movie Doctor Strange but he knows that type of movie doesn’t appeal to me. So today he said he and Donna were going to go see it tonight.  She loves all the Marvel movies.

Convention says I should be jealous.  Given I am no stranger to jealousy, it should be a no-brainer that it would rear its’ ugly head – but it did not.  I really am not a jealous person, with the glaring exception of what I’ve already addressed in my recent posts.

I was actually excited – very excited. Surprisingly extremely excited.  Like, way more excited than I could have ever imagined, and more excited than Mike or Donna was.  I proclaimed to both of them, “Awesome, a date night for the two of you!”

They both dismissed my proclamation of it being a “date” and said it was just a movie.   I told them they should play it up as a date – go to dinner too.  Make an evening of it. I even told them they should go over to her house afterwards for a nightcap (sex).  They thought I was being facetious.  I assured them I wasn’t.  I was genuinely excited for them.  Just the thoughts of it made me warm and tingley inside.   The whole idea was erotic to me.

They both looked at each other and I could tell that my encouragement was causing them to warm up to the idea of considering it a date.  Donna felt compelled to ask John if it was okay, even though he already told us all that with few exceptions, Mike had carte blanche regarding dictating Donna’s activities.  None-the-less, this seemed more intimate (as if sex isn’t intimate but dinner and a movie is?).  John was good with it.

Mike and Donna were still downplaying it but I was hyped up like a kid in a candy store.  I wanted them to have a real “couples” date.  I told them they should hold hands while they are out and present themselves as a couple.  So what if someone we know sees them.  It’s all part of the naughtiness and fun.

I never contemplated a date night for them.  While I am not surprised that I am okay with it, I am surprised how excited it made me.   Literally got that special tingle in my tummy and in my nether-regions at just the thought of the two of them enjoying the company of the other in a date-like setting.  I liked the idea of Mike getting time with Donna in such a setting.  Donna is my best friend and while obviously they know each other, having that informal one-on-one time is an opportunity to know each other in a different way.   The thought of them having a closer friendship excites me.

With my encouragement they added dinner to their plans.  I even cajoled Donna to go home and shower and dress up a bit and wait for Mike to pick her up.  I asked Mike to shave and wear something nice too.  I convinced them to go to a nice couples-oriented restaurant versus something that is more family fare.  I told Mike that just thinking about them holding hands or exchanging a “peck” in public or doing anything couple-like was making me wet.  And knowing their date could end with their “night cap,” – oh my, I told them that just the thought of it was making me want to touch myself.  It sure got my juices flowing.

Mike gave me an order regarding what I must do while they were out.  I can not stay up waiting on them.  I am to journal and do my blog if I wish, then put on some nice music, light some candles, and take a long nice bath.  Then, get into bed and I am NOT to masturbate (oh no, I am so ready to do that!).   He wants me in bed with lights out no later than 9:15.  He expects to be home by one or so and would wake me when they got home. He said only then can I masturbate while they watch me.

OMG!  I am already wanting to get my hands in my pants just thinking about their night out.  Then, having such a relaxing evening will just increase my libido even more.  Then, knowing I will get to put on a show for them gives one more exciting thing to anticipate.  I can’t wait!     Well, it’s getting close to bed time and I need to take my bath.  Then it is lights out – and hands out (of my panties).  Oh wait, I don’t wear panties to bed.  So technically, it is hands off, not hands out – at least until they get home!

This is all so delightfully naughty!

NEXT: 91. Undressing Kayla

89. Spanking jealousy away

flung
I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla.  It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it.   It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate.   They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…”    As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth.   Saying it out loud is very healing.  It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”

I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy.  Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic.  To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode.  My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation.  It’s like envy+fear+anger.   Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has.  Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have.  It doesn’t demand immediate resolution.  It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.

I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive.  One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command.  It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.

Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment).  Should I be punished?  Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation.  I respectfully disagreed.  I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish.  They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything.  They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for.  So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.

So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment.  He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it.  Well, that didn’t take long.

Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away.  Their options are limited only by their time and money.  I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience.  Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.

My Punishment
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts.  I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.”  I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike.  (Hand spankings are my favorite!).  He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.

At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked.  It was way harder than I thought.   The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why.  After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer.  Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!

I got to 48, which I was very proud of.  Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings.  I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65.  At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit.  I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling.  Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.

And that was that.  Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements.   Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?

Next: 90. Delightfully Naughty – Mike’s Date Night with Donna.

 

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.