No image for this post, let’s dive right back in where I left off on the prior post.
Good thing many of you are isolated with nothing to do but read stuff like this because this is a long one. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy sharing more about my dear Kayla!
Jen: Kayla, let’s fast forward 2016 when you became a part of us. What were your thoughts about us before the events that led us to where we are today?
– – – Kayla reminded me of a post she did on this blog. I had forgotten. Instead of repeating things, it turns out the answer to this question is covered in that post. Check it out here. Post 182. Hello, my name is Kala. —
Jen: Things moved pretty fast with us. According to things I blogged about, it was October 2016 when I first told you about the “new” lifestyle we adopted. About a month later, we were making plans for you to move in, which you did right after Christmas.
You went from the babysitter to a submissive in a triad with a married couple in a months time.
Kayla: A month? That would be ridiculous, like, I was some kind of desperate and needy whore. It was clearly six weeks! Yeah, kinda fast. A lot of thinking can get done in six weeks. It really isn’t that fast. And hey, I thought of myself as being more than just the babysitter.
Jen: I didn’t say “just” the babysitter. But sorry, you are right, you were much more than that. It makes for a better narrative for my kinky readers. But still, that was fast, wasn’t it?
Kayla: I get it. I know both of you thought fondly of me and I was always welcomed as part of the family, not just the babysitter. I believe everything was just perfect timing for where I was in life, what I was needing and hoping for, and what you all were able to provide me. I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, beyond just a young family friend. I had zero reservations. Did you?
Jen: Hey, I am the interviewer here. I think I blogged plenty about some of the things I went through at that time. (There’s probably about ten different posts about this beginning from Post 79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt to about Post 101 Compersion with a side of Submission and Spanking. Probably more after that as well).
– You can read those if you want the answer to Kayla’s question. Let’s move on. –
Jen: Speaking of a good narrative for my kinky readers, you told us before your first orgasm was to thoughts of Mike. Please elaborate.
Kayla: Yes, pretty sure my first real masturbation and orgasm were to thoughts of Mike. It wasn’t thoughts of sex with him, at least not at first. Him just hugging me, which he did in real life, as well as thoughts of him just caressing my arm, which he did NOT do in real life. Yes, the thoughts of a sexy man caressing my arm was enough to make young Kayla all warm and tingly inside. (laughing)
Jen: In other words, no different than what it takes to make you that way today? (more laughing).
Kayla: I go way beyond warm and tingly today, but yeppers, it doesn’t take much, even today. But those pubescent fantasies in my head eventually evolved beyond him caressing my arm. At some point I imagined him disciplining me – as in spanking me. Not at all in a kink way but like a real disciplining from someone who might spank their kids. After running those thoughts through my head, well, I’d get all the tingles down there. At first,my mind would shift to just focusing on the tingles and not thinking about Mike or about being spanked. But that eventually changed.
Jen: Why do you think that fantasy appealed to you?
Kayla: I don’t know. It’s hard to explain why something makes you feel a certain way, especially at that age when you can’t even comprehend what may be behind certain feelings. But if I were to guess, I think I wanted his attention and for him to care enough about me to want to help me. A fantasy of him being stern with me and spanking me was how those feelings were manifested.
Jen: At that time, did you ever think about what those fantasies might mean?
Kayla: Don’t forget, I was like 11 or 12 when those thoughts started creeping into my fantasies. And a twelve-year-old isn’t going to self analyze. Heck, most adults don’t even do that. People aren’t like you, Jen, striving to get to the bottom of every feeling. Most people are too afraid of what they’ll find. But at that age, it wasn’t about fear or anything. You just sort of feel how you feel and are confused by it. At that age I lacked the ability to try and reconcile that confusion. It’s called puberty!
I really didn’t understand sex or have a desire for it. I would vacillate between being scared by those fantasies and being turned on by them. I didn’t have thoughts of penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anything sex. I recall that following my spanking fantasies, my earliest thoughts regarding anything remotely related to actual penetration sex was having fantasies of him knowing I touched myself. I can’t remember the actual details of the fantasy, but it was basically like in my mind I would tell him that I do it and he would spank me for it. Kind of messed up. Part pleasure, part guilt, part older man fantasy. And I didn’t even know the term at the time, but in hindsight, part submission fantasy.
I also remember thinking how mortified and embarrassed I would be if I actually told him I touched myself. But I also distinctly remember being turned on by the thoughts of being so mortified and embarrassed. In your words, I guess I was pre-wired to be turned on by making myself vulnerable. But I never fantasized about actual PIV or even oral sex with him.
Jen: I think having mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure regarding sex is normal at that age. It can be so confusing. Even for adults who attach a lot of guilt to sex. Did you feel guilty about those fantasies?
Kayla: No. I never associated those feelings with guilt or of them being naughty. Maybe it goes back to my mom’s reaction when she walked in on me after a bath as I was rubbing myself rather aggressively with a towel. She set the tone that it wasn’t a big deal, but something that was personal and private. I do remember feeling a bit scared about my fantasies, like, “What does this mean?” “Am I normal?” “Is this weird?” But I think every kid goes through that when it comes to everything, let alone something dealing with sexual desires.
Jen: As you said, a lot of adults still deal with those questions, especially when it comes to kink. Do you remember your first orgasm? You’ve said it was about those thoughts with Mike.
Kayla: I like to think my first was over thoughts of him, but honestly I am not 100% sure. I think I had some mini-orgasms before I had the first big “O” regarding my fantasies about Mike. I just didn’t recognize them as orgasms until I had a really intense one. Are we supposed to be talking about this? I was like 11. Mike had to be what, in his late 30’s?
Jen: It’s your fantasies we are talking about, so spill the beans here. What was going on regarding those mini-orgasms.” Set the scene! My readers like filth. And the details of this will be news to me and well, I like filth too!
Kayla: Okay. My first sexual experiences may not qualify as sexual experiences. I mean, can you have a sexual experience without knowing what sex is? Is sex defined by the area of your body that is being aroused or is it defined by intent? Don’t you have some committee that determines these things?
Jen: Hum… I’d have to check with the kink authorities on that. But continue.
Kayla: Ew. I don’t like to think of it as sex and I definitely don’t like to think of it as kink. My earliest memories of anything we would call remotely sexual was when I was like eight-years-old for god’s sake!
Jen: Okay, okay. I’ll rephrase. What was your first experience where today, you recognize it as something that felt good in a way that today you would equate to a sexual feeling? Better?
Kayla: Uh, that’s not much better, because there is nothing at eight years old that felt like what sex feels like today. But I will quit arguing the point and answer your question. I vividly remember it because it is actually one of the few mother/daughter memories I have where her actions may have had a positive influence on me. It was the incident with the towel that I mentioned a few questions ago.
I remember drying myself off with a towel and liking the feeling when I dried between my legs. I probably was even younger than eight but it was never more than just a passing thought of, “Oh, that felt pretty good” and I’d move on to dry the rest of my body. But at some point, maybe when I was eight, definitely no more than nine, instead of just a quick wipe with the towel and fleeting thought of, “that was nice,” I decided, “Hum, I should give that another wipe.” A few baths later and it became many wipes and eventually full on rubs. Over time I spent more and more time drying between my legs than I did the time before. Eventually, I would put the towel between my legs with one hand in front of me and one behind and sort of ride the towel like a horse. A horse that moved rapidly back and forth under me, haha. It became a bath-time ritual.
I didn’t equate what I was doing to anything sexual. It just felt good, really good. It’s like, you know how the warm sun can feel good on your face when you walk outside? That’s not a sexual feeling, it’s just a good feeling. It was like that, except it wasn’t my face that got warm. Ew, did I just say that? Anyway, I had no clue what sex was and didn’t equate it to anything other than just a good feeling. And when I did it, I would just reach some point where I was like, “Okay, I’ll stop now.” Time to finish drying or getting ready for bed or whatever. Never another thought about it.
Then one day my mom walked in on me, humping away at this towel that was buzzing back and forth between my legs.
Jen: How did I never hear this story before?
Kayla: It’s to your credit that you never asked me about my sexual experiences in second grade! What kind of perv would that make you! (laughing) But for real, I thought I told you about this. I guess not.
Jen: So how did your mom react and how did you react?
Kayla: I was cool. I was like, “Oh, hi mom.” I didn’t even know enough to think what I was doing was a big deal. I don’t think I even stopped. Maybe I slowed down a bit. And the fact I don’t clearly remember much about her reaction sums up her reaction. She didn’t have much of one. She just calmly said, “If you’re going to play between your legs its best done in private, so lock the door when you do that.”
And two things stuck with me. For a long time, I thought “play between your legs” was an actual phrase meaning to rub or touch yourself down there. And in my mind, it was just play. I didn’t know it could be sexual, because I didn’t even know that term. More importantly, my mom’s reaction was such that it did not equate what I was doing with something should evoke shame or embarrassment.
But I guess as a kid you still sort of pick up on certain things. While I felt it was normal enough to keep doing it and not feel guilty about it, I not only now knew from my mom that it was supposed to be a private thing that I did behind locked doors, but somehow I also knew it wasn’t something you talked about. Fortunately, I didn’t go around to my friends and ask them if they also played between their legs. I was already a bit of the weird kid anyway. That would have been disastrous.
Jen: So did you do it more often after that?
Kayla: Eew, no. I am telling you, it wasn’t a sex thing! It was just a way to feel extra good after a bath.
Jen: But you certainly didn’t stop doing it?
Kayla: Hell no.
Jen: So let’s switch gears. You said you were a weird kid. In what way?
Kayla: There’s the 10-year old Kayla answer and the current Kayla answer. Which perspective do you want?
Jen: Too much to ask for both? Let’s start with kid-Kayla.
Kayla: Kid Kayla thought everyone else was weird. Well, I mean, I knew I was the oddball, but I felt I was odd because my supposed cohorts were weird. I didn’t like kids my age. I think it goes back to me wanting to be as small as possible so as not to upset my parents. Be that perfect kid, be mature, be thoughtful. Not that 14-year-olds are any of those things, but at age 10 I modeled myself after what I thought a 14-year-old should be. I befriended older kids and they seemed to accept me. Probably because in my mind they were the “better” kids in terms of the “right way” to be. I admired them, looked up to them, emulated them. That made it easy for me to be their friend because they liked how I treated them.
As I got older, my friends always stayed older. As a freshman in high school, my friends were seniors. And the following year when many of them went off to college, their new college friends became my friends and so when I was 16 I had friends who were 20 to 23.
Jen: Okay, what does the current Kayla think about why Kid Kayla was like that?
Kayla: Honestly, it wasn’t until the last year or so I’ve figured that out, thanks in large part to you. It was a self-esteem thing. I was never truthful with my feelings as a kid. The truth was too frightening. A mom who cared more about drinking than about me. More about making our lives miserable than about me. A dad who may have tried his best, but couldn’t compensate for all that was missing for me. I was fortunate that the way I reconciled this turned out to be somewhat productive. Instead of acting out and being a wild child, I worked harder to be what I thought was the best child.
At that moment I felt like I had high self-esteem. I just “knew” I was a good kid, even though it wasn’t enough to bring about change in my mom. But I know now that our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves. Because I was avoiding my true feelings and pretending that what I was doing was actually making a difference. Not just pretending my actions helped my parents, but pretending my actions were helping me. I was pretending I wasn’t being emotionally neglected. And all the things I was doing to cope with that was not really addressing that. When we aren’t truthful with ourselves, our self-esteem goes down.
I now know that is what led me to turn to alcohol as well. You could say it was genetics, and maybe that played a part, but for me, I think it was the environment. I didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t know myself, I never faced my emotions. As I felt those emotions coming to the surface I had to work harder to drive them down, and drinking helped do that for me. Fortunately, I had you all to stop that from ever reaching a critical point.
And that is why, as a child, I loved being around you guys. I felt loved, I felt respected, I felt valued. Not just from the two of you but from all three of the kids. It was such a warm and nurturing environment.
Jen: Thank you for saying that. At the time, we knew things weren’t good for you on the home front. We didn’t know all the details, but knew we were your respite. And it wasn’t like you were just a charity case. We truly loved having you around. You were so good with J and T1 and T2 enjoyed your company.
Let’s fast forward to the day I shared with you that me and Mike adopted Domestic Discipline. It really seemed to connect and resonate with you. Things happened so fast from that day forward. Why was that?
Kayla: Well, first, maybe it helps to understand I already knew I was bisexual. I had been with other girls, and at the time was living with a friend of mine and her husband and we would have threesomes. While I was basically a “friend with benefits” to them, I found I liked the idea of being part of three. I don’t know why. Two friends are just better than one, right? And then, of course, there’s the sex. But it was more than that. I just really liked being part of three. However, I was not really that close to them. I was definitely not in love with them. Deeply in-like? Is that a thing?
Jen: It is now
Kayla: So I was already predisposed to love the idea of being in a thruple. Then you add in the fact that by far the two of you are my favorite couple. Like, “favorite” didn’t even come close to describing it. I idolized your relationship. So the thought of being any part of it as an adult, not just a babysitter or kid? Count me in!
And I was feeling a lack of control at the time. I wanted to still be the perfect daughter but was drinking more and more myself, and I would feel guilty about that. It was this loop of working hard to be perfect to cover up my feelings of being neglected, drinking to cope with my true feelings, feeling guilty about drinking, thus, once sober, working even harder to cover up my feelings. And the loops got bigger and bigger. I wanted off that roller coaster.
And I was just getting ready to finish up my undergrad and was facing a decision to get a job, go to grad school, or move back home. I didn’t feel prepared to make that decision, mainly because of my drinking. I was feeling very anxious about that. Everything about the two of you just felt right. It felt safe, it felt sane. I was attracted to the two of you, you to me, and it all just felt so right. I really was in awe and so excited.
Jen: Beyond the more meaningful relationship with us, what were your thoughts about DD?
Kayla: It also resonated with me. Perhaps because of my earlier fantasies, but also because I had always been so self-disciplined for all the wrong reasons, I loved the idea of striving to be self-disciplined as a way to serve someone else. It’s like I had this power of self-discipline and could finally use it for good, and in return, focus that discipline on what is truly good for me. I just knew the two of you had my best interests at heart.
Jen: Thank you. We did, and we still do.
There’s so much more we could cover. And I received a few emails with questions specifically for Kayla. Some were practical things like how finances work, others about where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years and beyond. And then a few sex-related questions. So — we will just have to do a Part III!
And the answer to some of those questions are revealed in some wonderful news that Kayla shared with us. Should I wait for Part III to share it here?
Yes, I should.
But, I won’t.
There will soon be a new addition to our family!
How long should I let that sentence linger?
A little longer?
Okay, long enough.
No, it’s not what you think. Hum. I really should save this for another post.
Okay, okay. I will say it here.
The new addition isn’t really new, just new in name.
Kayla asked us, and we agreed, if she could legally change her last name to ours.
Her name will soon officially be, Kayla Ours!
Just kidding. You know what I mean. Her last name will be our last name. It was something she thought of and very much wanted. I will elaborate more on that in the next post.
What, you thought maybe the news was something different?