Tag Archives: slave

143. My Evolving Submission

evolve

COMMENT TO A BLOG COMMENT
Something interesting (to me anyway) happened.  Mike was looking at my blog on my phone, reading some of the comments and said, “Hey, I am going to respond to this comment as if you are responding.”  He then proceeded to type away.

To acknowledge his statement I responded with a nonchalant, “Okay, Sir,”

He then said, “Aren’t you wondering what the comment was or what I am writing?”

“Sure, Sir, I am curious, but I am sure I will read it in due time.”

“Wait,” he said, “you aren’t burning to know right now what it’s about?”

“No, Sir.  I am not.”

He seemed shocked.  “So, you aren’t dying to know what I am stating.  You know they are going to think it is you that is replying?  That doesn’t concern you?”

“Sir, I would never lie about such things.  I am not dying to know.  I trust whatever you are writing is something you believe is appropriate.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike continued in amazement, “Jen, come on now, this blog is your little baby and I am messing with it.  What if I am saying something you don’t like.”

“Sir…Mike, I am fine with anything you decide to write.  Whatever it is, it represents what you want my response to say and therefore I accept it as my own.  I will read it in due course, no hurry.” (I have a habit of using his name when I am dead serious about something.  I still use “Sir,” but will throw in his name as well).

Mike continued to question me as if he didn’t believe me.  Well, not “as if” he didn’t believe me.  It was clear, he didn’t actually believe me.

“Mike! I am serious and also saddened that you aren’t believing me…Sir.  I truly do not care that you responded on my behalf and I am 100% fine with whatever you chose to write.  I accept it as my own even without knowing what is says, because I know it says what you want it to say.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike was a bit dumbfounded and said, “I am sorry that I inferred you weren’t being honest about your feelings.  It just surprised me that you didn’t feel the least bit violated that I was treading on your blog turf.”

“Sir, I don’t believe I can ever interpret anything you do as an imposition or as violating me in some way.   I trust you explicitly and without question, especially when it comes to any decision you make on my behalf.”

Mike was in awe and immediately had to hug me.  He said he always tries to wield his Dominance in a way that builds trust and was worried a bit about the recent punishment regarding the blender I didn’t buy.  He was concerned that maybe it went too far as it didn’t recognize the progress I’ve made in controlling my purchasing habits.  He then told me that ultimately he felt that particular punishment was in order as this was just too serious of a subject and I needed to not only keep my actions in check, but also my thoughts.  

I told Mike I appreciated that punishment and never expect him to have to justify a punishment.  If I feel confused or unsure about the motives or purpose, I will bring it up at a Maintenance Session, and frankly, I was neither confused nor unsure about the purpose of that punishment.

FREE MYSELF FROM INTENTION
I did admit that more than likely, if he made that blog comment on my behalf before the last punishment, I probably would have been like, “Noooo!”  Or, “Please tell me what you’re writing.”  But, the last punishment reinforced to me that consistently meeting my Duties and Obligations is not just about my actions, but also about my thoughts.  While not every thought leads to an action, every action starts as a thought.  Given my history with reckless buying habits, I need to free myself of the impulses and of the thoughts – not just try to suppress those impulses.  It is very much about freeing myself of my intentions, as I wrote about in Post 30. I found my thrill.

I told him that last punishment had me reflecting on my submission and on his dominance.  I finally fully understood the power of freeing myself from my intentions (per Post 30).  I  told him he has done everything to deserve my complete trust, my complete surrender.  While I’ve been very submissive, I haven’t fully submitted in my thoughts.  That’s something I want to work on.  

I realize a lot of it is around letting go of petty issues and yes, letting go of some old baggage I still carry regarding my disdain for misogyny.  I want to focus only on what is most important.  Our DD has evolved such that what is most important has changed.  It is still important to me to meet my Duties and Obligations, but of greater importance is simply my submission to him.  Thus, when he said he was going to respond to the comment on my behalf, I truly had no concerns or hesitations.  Nothing but trust that his comment was to his liking, and as a result, would be to mine as well.  In fact, I am glad he showed interest in whatever comment he felt he needed to respond to.

This marks another evolution of my DD, which is really D/s more than “just” DD.  I now look at Mike as my leader and the leader of our household, not just the executive in charge of administering the DD that I prescribed.   I love when Mike tells me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.  I love cherishing and serving him, and I love that he cherishes and loves my servitude.

It sounds so misogynistic to state that.  But as I stated before, I don’t advocate this lifestyle for women, no more than I would for sub men.  Submissiveness is gender-neutral to me.  It just so happens I am a woman and it works for me.  Life would suck if my submission was a societal expectation.  I want women to lead in business, government, and in households.  But such leadership is not for me.

WHAT WAS THE COMMENT?
Oh –
the comment was on 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0, from lurvspanking who questioned Kayla’s preparedness for multiple sexual partners at one time.  Mike’s comment was simply to state the topic is still in discussion and proceeding with caution. He ended it with, “It may not happen.”   His point being that we are well aware that reality may not live up to fantasy, and even if it does, it may not be best for Kayla right now.  Although he didn’t state it, because he was responding as me, it is going to be his decision and he is not yet convinced it should happen.

So, there you have it.  More evidence of my ever evolving submission. 

NEXT: 144.  To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir’, that is the question. . . 

125. Kayla’s Immersion (and “slappy” anniversary to me!)

ImmerseK

Wow, almost 3 weeks between posts.  That’s a record for me.  

Couple of reasons for this respite.  Same old, “life got busy” stuff but also we had flu bug hit our house.  First me, then my son.  It probably accounted for about four or five days of being all off schedule.  Then there was just other things we can file under “stuff happens” that kept me at bay.

The most noteworthy item regarding my DD household will, of course, be about Kayla.  But before that….

Slappy Anniversary!
Oh, by the way, March 17 was the two-year anniversary of us adopting a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline!   Still loving it and I can’t imagine myself living any other way!

Okay, back to Kayla…
Her original “contract” is up soon and she has been anxious to update and replace it. She found this “play” checklist that she used to articulate her desires and limits, and suffice to say, there were only a few things on this checklist that she marked “no.”   It really is a well thought out list.  I encourage you to check out it.  

For some of the items it was a “yes, but…” but again, very few no’s.  Kayla has recognized that she has a desire for a much deeper submission a more Master/slave versus Dominant/submissive.  Much like my Submissive Frenzy, and my subsequent M/s immersion, she is craving more subjugation.  Before she codified her terms of subjugation, I strongly encouraged her to have her own M/s immersion.  I wanted her to first experience some of the things she was craving and make sure they really “scratched the itch” in the way she anticipated.  

Spring Break gave us a great opportunity to do this “immersion” as there was a three-day period where J would not be with us.  He and his cousins were spending time at my parents.  Let the immersion begin. 

I am not going to share many details as those details are about Kayla’s journey, not mine. But I will share a few observations.

KAYLA PREPARES
Kayla went in confident that the immersion was an introduction to a new way of living versus just a trail that would soon end.  She prepared herself in some pretty extreme ways. She shaved off all her hair, from head to toe.  She got her nipples and her clit pierced, which is a fun story by itself that I’ll try to remember to post about later.  Just know that Kayla, who can take a spanking like pro, is not fond of needles and didn’t even get her ears pierced until she was 17.   She would tell you that she had more trepidation over getting those piercings than she had about the immersion.  

For me the most extreme things was shaving her head and eyebrows.  She said she wanted to look different and to her it represented starting anew and growing anew.  It was very emotional for her.  She cried when she first looked in the mirror, but not in a sad way.  She said she was overwhelmed with a euphoria and a sort of extra sensory reaction from seeing the visual representation of starting a new journey.   It wasn’t a bawling type of cry.  She was smiling and chuckling as tears streamed down her face.

We got a general agreement as to what she was looking for in her immersion. She didn’t want to give Mike or me too many specific requests or guidelines.  Through the checklist she told us what would be acceptable, plus she went over a range of ‘acts of service” that she wanted to have expected of her, and sexually she said she was completely at Mike’s disposal for anything, any time,  – and anyone – that he commanded.  She wanted to be surprised and have her limits pushed.  So push we did, especially Mike. 

KAYLA’S IMMERSION
I am not comfortable sharing much about it.  I think perhaps in some ways it is because it was more than what I would want for myself, so I have a little harder time connecting to it enthusiastically.  I also had to see Mike be the Master and again, in ways that were more than I would want for him.   I had to keep my mind focused on Kayla’s wishes and focused on her happiness.  Spoiler alert – she was happy with the entire experience.  However, I still don’t have the enthusiasm to write about it, plus, it was such a personal journey for her that I don’t want to risk diminishing it through my own interpretations.  It was something for her and not intended for me, so why risk taking her experience from her through my own analysis of it?  

The things she did and had done to her were very intense, both physically and emotionally. So much so I don’t even want to relive it in writing.  There were a couple of times I told Mike I thought it was too much, but he persisted and said as long as both of us felt Kayla was capable of speaking for herself he would continue until Kayla said she had enough. Half way through the third and last day, Kayla actually relented and called “red” to stop, not just the particular activity, but the immersion.

She went to sleep very early that day and we let her sleep in the next.  She slept for almost 18 hours.  Before she went to sleep we spent a lot of time with her, reassuring, lots of after care, and that continued the next day, and luckily J didn’t come home until late that day.  That gave us pretty much the entire day to focus on Kayla.  

She was chipper, and said she felt refreshed, but a bit sore, like after an intense work out.  We went easy on her for the whole day and pretty much took the day off from any DD.  She reflected positively on the experience and felt very good about reaching her limit.  She had no regrets, which was a relief to Mike and I as we thought perhaps things got a bit too intense.

She said she definitely wants some of the M/s things in her new contract but agreed she doesn’t want to try to live the immersion 24/7.  For one, it just isn’t practical for us, but more importantly, it isn’t what she wants.   She has already shared a draft and has made several edits.  She also wants to plan for another immersion in the summer.  Yikes!  That is asking a lot of Mike.  I plan to somewhat repeat my  M/s immersion from last year.  (J spends at least a week at my parents during the summer).  

It all makes for a funny conversation – talking about how to accommodate Kayla’s submissive needs and desires as well as mine.  If anyone overheard us they would think we are crazy.  Maybe we are!    Crazy happy, that’s for sure! 

NEXT: 126. Catching Up (on spankings and other stuff)

 

 

 

 

 

 

119. The Stick of Truth, Part III

sotpart3

This series of three posts are unlike what I typically write about.  I originally wrote out a post that simply reflected on these events of these posts and I just peppered that reflection with some of the details.  The problem was I felt it didn’t really convey the experience well enough, thus I decided to first write about the details and then the reflections and lessons learned.  

PUNISHMENT CONTINUED
In the morning Mike instructed me to get J off to school as usual and that he would be going into work a little late.  Kayla said she needed to use the bathroom.  He told her to leave the blindfold on and he led her to the restroom.  Once done he returned her to the bed and removed all the covers.  He then tied her to the bed.  Our bed is not the most conducive to restraints.   The only way to make it work well is to be completely splayed out, like in a giant “X.”   One arm on one side of the headboard, one on the other, and ankles to each side of the footboard.   It takes some extra rope to make it all reach as it is a king sized bed.  He again applied the suckers to her breasts and said that she would remain there until I returned from taking  J to school.  I woke up J and Mike joined us for breakfast

When I returned Mike called out for me from the bedroom.  When I entered the room I saw that he had Kayla on laying on her stomach and he was finishing up tying the last restraint.  She was still in the “X” position but now on her stomach instead of her back (the suckers were removed).  Mike had eight or nine different spanking implements laid out on the bed alongside Kayla.

Mike told me to quickly pick one.  I grabbed one of the short wooden paddles, shaped a bit like a ping-pong paddle but a little bigger.  He took it from me and gave Kayla three very hard swats on each cheek.  He then gave me the paddle and told me to give her 10 in row on each check with the same intensity.  If any were not to his liking he would administer 5 additional ones to Kayla.  I gave the first set of 20 and Kayla and fortunately did so to his satisfaction.  He then had me choose and repeat with another paddle, then another, then another.  Kayla was crying.

I had finally had enough and asked Mike what he was doing.  He sternly said, “I have Kayla’s trust, don’t I have yours?”  I thought for a second and said, “Yes, Sir.”  I really didn’t understand what was going on.  I still didn’t know for sure what this was all about, but, Mike has never let me down before and I do trust him.  I just wasn’t sure if all the stuff with Kayla had perhaps clouded his judgment.  (Remember my post regarding the Stanford Experiment Post 114. Resist! And remain Kinky!.) 

With that, Mike told to choose another implement, and then another.  Soon the only one left was the cane. We only got the cane because Kayla asked for it.  It had been used before (on both of us) but not after this long of a severe spanking session.  Mike pointed to the top of her buttocks and said he wanted to see a stripe “here”, then pointed to two other areas and said “here” and “here.”  Kayla cried very loudly with each one.  Mike then continued to point lower on her buttocks and all the way to her upper thighs, “Here, here, and here.”   When done he said he wasn’t satisfied with the stripes and to repeat, so I did.Before I could finish Kayla called out her “yellow” safe word, which meant we would pause or change things up. 

Mike said “Okay, Kayla, let’s give you a few minutes and you tell us when you are ready to proceed.”  He called me over and whispered in my ear, “Get the prison strap and I want you to keep spanking her with it until she uses her safe-word again.  We are going to continue until she calls “Red.”

My thoughts went to the few times Mike brought me to my limits and I called “Red.” (which for me is “Mercy.”)  I was thinking that it probably would have been hard for someone else had to stand by and watch me at that time, yet, I look back fondly on those punishments.  I knew I had to put aside my protective instincts when it comes to Kayla and recognize that she thrives in being submissive    While I was able to do just that, my mind was still swirling with exactly what led to this.  Was there something else that happened when Kayla was talking with Mike?   Was this because of the cussing?   Why was Mike having me administer the spankings, both the night before and this morning?  I knew there was more to this than I understood at the time. 

“I am ready, Sir,” Kayla said.  The thoughts in my head then shifted to whether I should strike hard, hoping to get to red faster, or get there over a long series of strikes?  Her ass was already fiery red, and the stripes from the cane showed boldly.  I thought I would start pretty hard and hope she called “red” soon.  She cried very loudly with each strike, and I just tried to block it all out and kept striking her every few seconds.  I didn’t keep count, but she took a lot, maybe ten, maybe a dozen, before she again called “yellow.”  

I wished Mike would just tell her that this wasn’t going to stop until she said “Red.”  I’ve learned to sense when a punishment was going to be never-ending.  While I never call “Mercy” until I truly reach my limit, it is helpful for me to recognize these types of punishments so that it becomes a battle of my own will.  I was concerned that Kayla had never been pushed to her limit, and may not recognize it and may take more than she physically should allow.   

“I am ready, Sir.”  Mike then told Kayla that we would be going back to the cane and they would be harder than before.  Kayla was still crying heavily but managed an “Okay, Sir.”  This time Mike took the cane and gave her a very hard strike that loudly popped when it hit.  Kayla let out a scream followed quickly by “red, red, red,”

Mike untied her and held her for some time.  She continued to sob as he held her and she was saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”   Mike calmly told her there was nothing to apologize for, and that everything was okay.  He didn’t let go of her until her sobs subsided.

He then called me over and told me to get on my knees in front of the two of them.  Mike was standing with Kayla’s head still buried in his chest, tears still coming from her eyes but she was no longer wailing.  Mike then began his lecture.

“Kayla shared with me that you told her to not tell me something, that you felt it would be best if you told me whatever it is, versus having Kayla tell me, is that true?”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded

“While you may have had good intentions, it seems to me that you forgot or felt it unimportant that we already addressed the two of you conspiring to break rules (See Post 109. The Tuck, The Spank, and the Slumber).  Which one was it, did you forget, or just felt it was unimportant?”

I’ve learned that these aren’t rhetorical questions and he expects me to either choose one or state another.   In addition, I knew the questions wouldn’t stop until I quit trying to justify breaking a rule.  “Sir, I know it is important to not encourage Kayla to break her rules, or to break mine.  And yes, I did feel that was less important than me talking to you first.”

“So, not only did you encourage Kayla to break a rule, but then Kayla accommodated your request.  That is why Kayla earned this Reward, and she will earn such a Reward anytime this happens.  I told you both before that this type of Transgression was serious, and I should not worry about the two you working together to break rules.  I expect one of you to help prevent the other from breaking a rule.  And Jen, as Kayla is submissive to you, it is even more egregious for you to put Kayla in such a predicament.  This punishment was intended to give Kayla something she would not forget so that she would think twice the next time you did anything to encourage her to break a rule.  It also gives you something to think about if she encouraged you to break one.”

Then he added, “Whoever instigates the rule breaking will be the one to administer the punishment on the one who went along with it.  Do you both understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” we both responded.

So now, Jen, tell me what it was that was so important that you needed to tell me about it before Kayla? “

DOH!   Okay, before we get to that, let me say a few things about the experience up until that point.

REFLECTION
What I write here doesn’t do justice to the amount of discussion and reflection that occurred.  Simply put, this experience helped me realize that I need to think of Kayla as an adult who not only chooses to be submissive, but thrives in her submission.  In addition, I need to dispel my preconceived notions of what it was going to be like with Kayla in the household.  I shared before that “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” (Post 81. Expectations).  Before Kayla moved in I tried hard to get everyone on the same page with clear expectations, but sometimes you just can’t predict where things will go.  At the time, Kayla wasn’t sure of her needs or how her desires would evolve.  Despite her honesty with what she was feeling and thinking at the time, she now has a much better sense of herself and realizes her needs are not going to be fulfilled with simply following my DD.  

KAYLA’S NEEDS
This experience told me I still didn’t completely “get it” regarding reconciling my domestic discipline with Kayla’s needs.  I first wrote about this in Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style.   Kayla has now clearly articulated her needs and expectations.  In her words, “She is Mike’s.”  She says she feels pain when she is not submissive, not honest, and not completely surrendered to Mike.  She says the emotional pain of letting him down is worse than any spanking.  She wants to be fully observant to all his wants and needs without thought of her own desires.  I disrespected those feelings by asking her to keep something from Mike, even if just for a moment.  Of course, I didn’t really understand how deep those feelings were.  I do now.

I know understand and accept that Kayla’s relationship with Mike has nothing to do with Domestic Discipline.  While there is some overlap in acts of service and punishments, her relationship with Mike is clearly Dominant/Submissive, and has some Master/Slave overtones.

MY NEEDS
I have never been threatened by Kayla’s needs nor had any concerns, and that is still the case.  Her needs don’t change what I get out of being submissive, or change what Mike expects and deserves from me. I enjoy and thrive within the domestic discipline that has evolved between Mike and I.  I also love and admire him for his added responsibility of being a Dom to Kayla.  It actually turns me on to watch him in that role.   

From the start my hopes for Kayla were for her to find what fulfilled her, and those hopes haven’t changed.  I will continue to talk with her to help ensure she is honest with her self assessments.  “Self-knowledge” is so important.  As we already learned in just two months, your understanding of your needs can change over time, and if you don’t stay in touch with yourself, it is hard to act on those changing needs or voice those changes to those around you that aren’t understanding your needs have changed.  Kayla had actually been trying to voice this for a while, but these events allowed her to clearly articulate her need for a distinct D/s relationship with Mike.

Oh, and Kayla doesn’t hold any grudge for me “getting her into trouble” and believe me, I will make sure to never “conspire” with her on anything.  And I continue to be her “Ma’am.”

OH. . . THE SOAPING
I decided against providing details, but yes, Mike followed through with the “rinsing” punishment with Kayla regarding her cussing.  Kayla said it was much like other punishments where us submissive’s have a love/hate relationship with the punishment.  I’ll take her word for it.   

NEXT: 120. Am I a feminist? (Epic Rant)

 

 

   

 

 

 

37. Uggh! Assistance with Activites of Daily Living

Yea! I have some unexpected free time and get to do another post today. In typical Jenny style, I can’t just jump in and share my most dreadful experience during our immersion. It needs a little set up.

I already shared the most challenging rule of the immersion and now I will share the most humbling.

When Mike and I first talked about what our immersion would be like, we talked about how far he should push things. Mike had shared several ideas with me prior to our immersion, but I told him not to tell me everything he had planned. I wanted there to be the element of shock and awe.   And for everything he did share I was quick to reassure him I was comfortable with those things and was willing to go deeper. I told him to go far, even if he felt it was humiliating to me. I told him I don’t and wouldn’t look at any of the things he was thinking of as humiliating. I vividly remember telling him that I would take anything he thought was humiliating and at worst I would just likely be humbled by it, not humiliated.  Well, I guess I lied. After all, humbled, mortified, and embarrassed, are all meanings of the word humiliated, and I felt all of those things.

Mike had this idea that I could not be responsible for any of my self-care; eating, dressing, bathing, and yes, using the bathroom.

Eating: I would fix Mike’s meal and he would eat it as I waited, kneeling nearby, getting up only to fetch anything else he needed. When he was done I would clean up, and then could make myself something. I would bring it over to Mike and then kneel down next to him.   He would cut my food and feed me. I could not use my hands at all, even to use a napkin. (There were a few times Mike “invited” me to dine with him as a special treat, although frankly, it was probably because feeding me was pretty tedious). A few times we had John and Donna over and they would take turns feeding me. Oh, keep in mind I also had a standing rule at all times that I could never speak unless spoken to.

Dressing: I was always naked when we were home, but we did go out in public a few times during our immersion (those outings can be another story I can share). Mike would pick out my clothes and dress me. He really couldn’t handle my hair and would call Donna over to brush and fix it nicely. Oh, and when we got home, I couldn’t undress myself. He had to undress me.

Bathing: I could not lift a hand and had to be bathed by someone else. It included a very thorough washing and drying of every nook and cranny. The water was always cold, except one night when Mike rewarded me with a warm bath.  Mike also enlisted the help of both John and Donna.   Sometimes Mike would bathe me, other times it was John and other times it was Donna. While Johnf had seen me naked before – heck, he had seen me masturbate – having him bathe me was a bit eerie.   Mike was not present when one of them would bathe me so it seemed a bit more personal, a bit more intimate. And again, I could never speak unless spoken to.   One time I said something to John and when he reported it to Mike, Mike had John spank me for the infraction.

Bathroom: This was the most shocking and humbling and yes, I will say humiliating. Having to always ask permission to use the bathroom was no big deal. It was the only time I could speak without being spoken to. What was a big deal is that I couldn’t use the bathroom alone. Someone, usually Mike, always had to be with me. Worst yet, I could not attend to certain things on my own. Okay, I’ll just say it. I was not allowed to wipe myself. When it came to #2, Mike thought such a task was not going to fall on him either, so, I had to call Donna when I needed assistance with that. Yes, just imagine the phone call. “Donna, this is Jen, can you come over and wipe me?” There were a few times Donna was not available and Mike made me call and ask John. Luckily, John declined the invitation each time. I guess he even has limits. Ha!   But Donna didn’t have the luxury of declining. John loved the idea of her having to do this that he soon had me return the favor and Donna was calling me when she needed assistance.   Of course, this was the first thing I said had to go once our immersion was over. I was not going to carry this over to become routine.

So, there it is.   I wasn’t going to share this one but Mike reads my blog and insists I share. Uggh!

I imagine there can’t possibly be anything that would be more difficult for me to share than what I just shared with you (or is there?).

Next: 38. Bow-chicka NOPE!  plus Tattoo Parlor Confessions

34. M/s immersion complete

Immersion complete!

I don’t know where to start or what to share first.  I believe it will take many posts to share some of the ups and down of our foray into a Master/slave dynamic.

To summarize, it was exhilarating and exhausting, arousing and mundane, sensible and absurd.  While always in the veil of serving Mike, it also had moments of self-absorption and self-reflection.  Overall it was a positive experience and I am glad we did it.

I learned that M/s is not for us; however, there are elements we are taking back to what now appears to us as our tame and “normal” domestic discipline arrangement.

I’ll share some specifics on future posts but want to share now that the most surprising part of it for me was how physically demanding it was.  I had thought of quitting at one point as I was just exhausted.  I was trying hard to not show my fatigue but Mike could clearly see it.  The night of day 7 he allowed me to take a warm bath, (all bathing prior to this was with cold water).  He then put me to bed early and put a blindfold on me, put on some sound effect app that played the sound of water rushing through a river, and he turned out the lights.  In addition to going to bed early, I got to sleep until I woke up on my own.  That rest and lovely gesture was just the medicine I needed as I was ready to take on the last three days with a full head of steam.

As a tease, some of the more interesting stories were when we needed a plumber and Mike made me stay naked during the service call, or some of the things Mike and John worked out regarding me and Donna, or our attending two FetLife functions, or the several new toys/implements Mike surprised me with.  Mike also came up with two new punishment techniques, both of which are easily at the top of my least favorite list.  Also, I will share the things we are taking into our daily DD routine/rules.  Lastly, we “celebrated” the end of the immersion with getting my nipples pierced, which also has a fun story attached (although not as salacious as I had hoped it would be).

We have a few days to mentally and physically re-set and our son will be back home. Given that it is summer, our DD and TTWD will occur less frequently since our son will mostly be home.  DD is so inconvenient, but Mike and I have already devised a plan to make sure we don’t ignore it.

Next: 35. Calisthenics of Doom & a Tease 

30. I found my thrill . . .

No, it wasn’t on Blueberry Hill, unless that is a new nickname for my buttocks!  Ha, you’ll never listen to the song the same!

I hope this post is not overly esoteric.  I try to get to the bottom of my feelings as it allows me to dismiss that feeling when I recognize it as petty or false or to own the feeling when it represents who I want to be or not want to be.  Well, I think I found a way to articulate why I get a thrill from submission.  Unfortunately, in typical Jenny style, it takes a lot of words to explain it.

I was reading an article called the Power of Openness and realized it could have been called the Power of Submission.   Much of the rest of this post is based on re-purposing the points (i.e., gratuitous copying) of that article to reflect how I connected my Submission with the concept of Openness.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream.

This dream was the consequence of how the mind works.  The article calls it the “nature of the mind.”  Once the mind has focused its attention on something, intention automatically appears to us.  “Intention” meaning purpose, aim, goal, or objective. Thus, for a goal oriented person as myself, when I take on something, intention appears to me in spades.  The intention will focus my attention, and by focusing, it must narrow my attention.  It narrows it down to a specific idea and narrows it further down to the specific desires and emotions connected with that idea.  At that moment, my life was no longer under my control, but under the control of the intention.

Put another way, I intended for my life to be x (and y, and z, and every other letter), therefore all my focus was on achieving x, and y, and z (and every other letter).   As such, my attention and focus, my entire consciousness, was obscured and narrowed.  This creates a tension as my alphabet soup of thoughts compete for top priority.  The “tension” of my intention made me have to use more of my energy to stay highly focused on my many specific goals.  The result was that my intentions took control over my actions.  I was not living, I was a slave to my intentions.

My actions were all part of my hopes that someday in the future, my intentions would become reality.  I would achieve my goals and would harvest the fruit of my efforts.  I could then rejoice and be free, having achieved some admirable hopes and dreams.   There are two errors with that thinking.

One is that assuming I did meet my goals, I sacrificed truly living and experiencing life along the way.  Is that really worth it?

The bigger error is that intentions are never ending.  The hope of making intentions a reality was a futile hope.  It will never happen.  I simply replaced one goal with another as there were so many things I wanted to achieve in life.  All my energies and time are limited, so most of my goals are inaccessible for me.  Even when I reached one (and I reached many), very soon a hundred new ones vied for my attention.

The act of focusing on my intentions was hypnotic.  That hypnotic work locked me up in a prison of my desires and objectives.  That hypnosis made it impossible for me to consider accepting a state of submission.  I was loving life, or so I thought.  What a falsehood. Although I was unable to articulate it at the time, I now understand why that once I opened myself up to the idea of submission, the sense of falseness in my life came rushing in and I immediately knew that submission was my path to truth.

Full submission is a state of pure attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  This level of consciousness is not focusing on anything, it does not aspire to get anywhere, it plainly and simply is here and now.

That is the source of my thrill about submission.  I feel free, I feel clarity, I feel connected, I feel a oneness, I feel an openness.    I am here.  I am present.  I am now.

In my state of submission the fire of desire is not burning in me, my glance is not blocked and obscured by various opinions and thoughts.  My hopes are now in ashes because after a great deal of suffering, I have finally realized that my hopes were the sources of my suffering.  The openness that I have been searching for was available to me from the beginning, it was just locked up behind the bars of my intentions.

This is where the article I mentioned ends, so I am left to connect more dots on my own.

My hopes in ashes?
It sounds sad that my hopes were the source of my suffering, but I believe the point is hope is just a feeling that weighs you down.  Hope is not a plan.  Hope is like a giant “maybe” weighing around your neck.  Action is where it is at.  Commitments, Duties and Obligations are not hopes.  I freed myself of hopes.  I don’t hope to do anything.  I just do.  And if I fail in my commitments, duties, and obligations, I have clear consequences.  Once I am served those consequences, the failure is immediately dismissed. It is behind me.  I am refocused on the here and now, no “hopes” to weight me down.

For the author of the article, oneness is about total surrender of the physical, emotional, mental self.  It is a state of pure bliss.  Hmm, that’s how I see my submission.  I guess the unanswered question is whether or not submission in the DD sense or some other submissive “kink”, can provide the level and/or consistency of oneness the author is talking about?   Perhaps not.  We shall see.

I no longer mortgage my present for some elusive promise of the future.  Remember, even if a promise is fulfilled, it is immediately replaced with dozen new mortgages for a dozen new promises.  The more I think as a submissive, the more my mind is freed from my intentions.  As it becomes free, it craves even more freedom, thus my Sub Frenzy.  That freedom not only feels good on the inside, it brings with it a clarity of mind that allows me to live, every moment, every day.   I am more present as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, a daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, you name it.  I am living life.

Through my submission, I will no longer be a slave. I’d like to say “I am no longer a slave,” but I am not there yet.  As long as I have that craving, I am not fully free, I am not fully one.  Satisfying that craving is my new intention, and I can’t be free until I let that intention go.

And so my submission deepens.
NEXT – 31. June Butterflies – 10 Day Total Power Exchange

28. Losing Myself? (and a sexy story)

This is another story about our get-togethers with our neighbors, John and Donna, who I introduced in my post Putting on a Show.  I am sharing some emotions I have that I am still trying to sort out – PLUS – you also get to hear about my most surprisingly erotic experience ever.

This happened almost a month ago and I am still trying to come to terms with it. Not in a bad way, but in my usual self-reflective way of always trying to get to the bottom of a feeling. I was waiting to share this story once I sorted out my feelings; however, as I can’t seem to make any progress and though sharing the story might help. I feel a bit like a hypocrite, especially after a recent post boasting of being so  sure of myself. But, I never said I was perfect, and I know I will have moments of doubt. The issue is whether those moments are fleeting or long lived. Here’s what happened.

At a recent get-together at John and Donna’s, Donna shared that she has been feeling conflicted the last several times we were over. She stated that when she and John were alone they were M/s, but when others were around they were just John and Donna. Now that we knew about their relationship and the fact that her and I even display our submissiveness when we all get together, any time we were around she was having a hard time discerning between when to be “on” and when to be “off” as slave. She felt like she was often only “half on” when around us and it didn’t feel comfortable to her. She felt she was failing in her role and that her role is very important to her.

I asked, “So what does it mean to hang out with Donna the slave?”

Donna said it is different than Donna the neighbor as her submission is deep. It was physical, erotic, sexual, and psychological. It goes far into exploring the space between pleasure and pain and involves intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios that test and push her limits. While they had shared some of this with us and we even got to witness one of her floggings, she said that was only the tip of her submission. Full-on slave mode would be different, and we were about to find out just how different. John explained that once Donna was “on” that we are not to speak to her or even acknowledge her in any other way other than how John has directed. Basically consider her a “piece of furniture” that we can ask John for permission to utilize. Donna’s sole purpose is to serve John and be fully attentive to only John unless he instructs otherwise.

They asked us if we were up to that? I explained that when we got together I wanted to interact with Donna, my friend, not Donna the slave. Donna said, yes, they thought similarly, and had an idea to balance her need for submission and their need for our continued friendship and interaction.   Donna said she is accustomed to turning it off and on, but just can’t have this in-between state. What they suggested was alternating such that when they visited us, they would be “public” John and Donna, and when we visted them, they would be “private M/s John and Donna.

That worked for Mike and me.   With that, John said, “And so it begins. We’ll be right back.” John and Donna left to their bedroom. Mike said, “This ought to be interesting!”

Soon we saw the two of them emerging from the hallway. John was carrying various “supplies” and was leading Donna by a leash and she walking on all fours. She had a collar around her neck and a mask covering her eyes. She was wearing a black cupless mini dress. As he led her past us, I can see she had no panties on under her mini-dress.

John reminded us that we are not to speak to Donna. Further, Donna is not to make eye contact with anyone when her blindfold is off. John said Donna was there for his amusement and he has some fun in mind that we all get to share in. John tapped on this small pad on the floor near his chair. Without a word from John, Donna felt her way around the pad and then kneeled in the center of it. Her body arched at attention and her hands were clasped behind her back. “Good girl,” said John.

I mentioned before how gorgeous Donna’s breasts are. Perfectly shaped, firm, natural, 36-D’s on a fit body. Her nipples are full and erect, teasing to be suckled. Her pink areolas tempted me as well as the pink slowly faded into her bosom with the faintest of circular outline where they ended. Their puffiness was every so slight, further teasing an invitation to my mouth. The positioning of her body combined with the support around the cupless outfit further accentuated her voluptuousness. I was already in love with her boobs and now they were displayed to perfection.

John told us that Donna would be our entertainment for the night. John took off Donna’s mask and Donna stared forward, not making eye contact with anyone. She had a calm and resolute look on her face. Her stance, stare, and dress (more like undress) evoked a great vulnerability that I was finding highly erotic and stimulating.

John began rubbing Donna’s nipples with some ice. He circled her nipple very slowly and occasionally he would stop and just hold it in one place for a while. He then took two ice packs out of their freezer. They were about the size of his hand. He pressed the packs hard against her breasts. Donna took in a deep breath followed by many short breaths in until she just held her breath for about ten seconds before exhaling. Obviously they were cold. Her nipples stood even more erect than before. The wanting that was already inside of me literally made my mouth water such that I had to swallow. John then grabbed a crop that had this hand-shaped end to it. He proceeded to whip her breasts with it, focusing mostly on her nipples. John stopped once her breasts reached a pinkish hue.  Donna just gazed directly forward, as if all three of us where not there.

John walked over to a table and picked up a burning candle and walked over to Donna. He dripped the hot cream colored wax across one of her breasts. Donna pursed her lips but remained resolute. I remember watching as the hot wax made its way down her breast, only to harden and stop just short of her areola. He dripped more. Again I watched it run down her breast, this time it reached the areola but went around her nipple before stopping. I remember staring with great intensity, watching each drop of hot wax run down this amazing breast. Finally, a bead of hot wax made it over her nipple. I was really getting turned on watching every bead of wax meander down her breast.  My eyes would glance at Donna who was not making a sound. Her face remained stoic, except that her jaw was clenched. The visual of the wax going down her breast and the way she was surrendering herself was so compelling to me that I felt like I was feeling everything that Donna was feeling. It was very odd, but oh so pleasurable. I was getting really turned on.

He then handed a candle to Mike and told him to “take care of the other tit.” Mike walked over and began dripping wax on her other breast. Now it was even more intense for me as I watched Mike do this. Donna’s reactions increased as her body would rise up, tensing with pain, and then relaxing in bliss. After Mike poured four or five times, John then told me to come over and take a turn. I would have never thought doing this would be such a turn on. I could feel both the butterflies in my stomach and the wetness growing in my pussy. I remember even thinking, “Wow, why this such a turn is on for me?”

We all kept pouring hot wax on her breasts until there was a nice layer of wax covering every part of both boobs. I really felt that all I would have to do is touch myself for about ten seconds and I would cum. I was shocked at just how turned on I was… but I wasn’t complaining.

As John took our candles, Mike came over and held my hand. His simple touch set sparks through my belly and I could feel even greater wetness in my pants. I remember us both staring at Donna as Donna avoided eye contact and started ahead into nothingness. Other than her slow breathing, she didn’t move or make a sound. The serenity of the moment with Mike and I holding hands, staring at her sweet surrender was turning me on. John grabbed a flogger. He had us step back and he began whipping one of her breasts. He was hitting pretty hard. He kept hitting until almost all the wax was gone from one breast. Then he gave a flogger to Mike and said he could try and clear off the other breast.   All of this just turned me on more. Part of the turn on is that I have this thing for Donna and would love to have sex with her (she isn’t into women, and while I would so have sex with her, it’s been about 25 years since I’ve been with one). Plus I am completely in love with her breasts, and the whole hot wax and now whipping of her tits was getting me closer and closer to the edge. I remember thinking that if this kept going I would actually come. I had never came from just watching something. I always required a rub or touch or some sort of contact.

It took Mike quite a while to get it off as he kept having to hit harder and harder. I noticed that Donna actually had tears in her eyes. I know she loves this stuff and while it did have to hurt, she was enjoying herself. Another odd thing – her tears were just another turn on for me. They were not tears of sadness. I can feel she was crying for completeness. With each strike across her chest I felt I too was with her on that journey to completeness.

There were still little bits of wax here and there but for the most part the wax was gone. John then handed me a flogger and asked me to clear the rest. I was surprised how hard I had to hit in order to get the remaining flakes to start falling. Then, as I was working to clear one breast, John started hitting her other breast with the other flogger. He told me to keep going as well. So we were alternating. I would hit one breast and a second later he would hit the other and then I would hit again, etc.

I remember watching Donna’s face and as the very last flake of wax was flown off her beautiful breasts, these two long tears went down her face.   The entirety of the experience coupled with that ending was enough to put me over the edge and I actually came while I was standing there whipping her.

I stopped whipping as I came. At first I tried to hold back my reaction as it all seemed silly to me that this episode made me come. But then I just let it go as I figured it was too obvious anyway and hey, they had all see me have an orgasm before.   As I breathed heavily and let out a whoosh of air through my mouth, I caught Donna looking over at me and cracking a little smile before she quickly averted further eye contact. Mike said, “Wow, Jenny, did you just come?”

I admitted that I had and I shared with them that this was amazingly erotic to me. There was more to that visit that I could share but it isn’t relevant to this post and I’ve gone on for long enough.

The thing that has been weighing on my mind since then is what is it that I found so erotic and exciting? I really surprised myself about getting that excited and even now just writing and thinking about it gets my juices flowing. In addition to all the reasons I already gave about why it was erotic to me, I discovered the biggest turn on for me was Donna’s submission. And I find myself wanting to do it again, but with me in Donna’s place.

As I write this, I think I had a breakthrough. I believe I am becoming addicted to submission. I know that can be a real thing as the endorphins that get released can become addictive.   While I tend to be one to just go with a feeling, I am holding back on going with this one. I think I am concerned that this DD thing is going into a different stage. A stage of deeper submission, a dip into the realm of BDSM. I think if I have the three of them do to me what we did to Donna, then what’s next? And what is next after that? And after that?

Those thoughts scare me a bit. I am usually so sure of myself, but for this moment, I am not. That’s why I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Okay, so, we all have moments of doubt. The good news is, experience tells me these moments don’t last too long and clarity is right around the corner. I am too self-reflective and too much of a positive thinker to let this weigh me down very long. I’ll think it to death until I solve it. And, because of DD, I now have Mike to share this with and perhaps together we can sort it out.

It’s like I don’t know if this journey is about finding myself, or losing myself? Perhaps, to find oneself you must first lose yourself?
NEXT:  29. A girl has no name – A Submissive Frenzy