I know I’ve spent a lot of time posting about my “Interview with Kayla.” Don’t you know that I am slightly fond of her? Hee-hee. Hopefully, you find that hearing from her is interesting and entertaining. If you didn’t read the other parts, here ya go — Part I. Part II.
Jen: I had someone email me asking about finances. They were in a long term committed poly relationship and found the finances to be a point of contention.
Kayla: I think whether it’s a traditional or non-traditional relationship, money can be a source of friction. I think it is less about the type of relationship and more about any differences in how each person views money. You probably understand the psychology better than I do.
Jen: Yes, there is something universal about household finances as a potential point of conflict for any relationship. Economic power is just one more area a couple in a power-exchange dynamic has to address. Sometimes the submissive may be willing to submit in many ways except economically. This can cause conflict if the Dom expects such submission. No different than if talking sex or household rules of any kind.
There’s nothing wrong with a power-exchange that does not include an exchange of economic power. There is no right way or wrong way for a submissive or a Dom to think about this. The key is, no relationship can ignore this topic and like EVERY aspect of their relationship, they have to find a solution that works for everyone involved. You can assume a submissive is likely to submit financially, but they may not for many valid reasons. No different than say a submissive who does not want to be sexually shared or that just doesn’t do windows. Haha. They just have to find a Dom that accepts it. But this post isn’t about financial advice for kinksters, it’s about you. So explain how your finances work.
Kayla: I think you posted about this (I did). When I was going to school I paid you rent. My dad was still giving me money for living expenses and I had a part-time job for a bit. I would give all my money to Mike and he would give me an allowance. He monitored my purchases and I had to get permission for most expenditures. I didn’t have many expenses since you all took care of groceries, utilities, and stuff like that and my dad took care of school expenses.
When I started working a “career” job after finishing school, I didn’t hesitate to give all my money to Mike. Direct deposit into his account. We didn’t even discuss it ahead of time. I just did it as it was natural to me and I expected it of myself, as much as Mike expected it of me. The fact I was making significantly more money didn’t change this for me.
Jen: Did he expect it? What would you say to those that think he, or we, are taking advantage of you?
Kayla: If they are going to point to the money as the area of concern, and not all the other submissive things I do or that I am part of a relationship with a married couple, then to me that’s a positive. At least they accept those other parts and if they want to focus on the finances, so be it. To me, either I am being taken advantage of in every aspect of our relationship or I am not. I know I am not. What others think doesn’t bother me. You all bought me a car (Post 283. We are three) with what I thought was rent money I was giving to you. I have no reason not to trust you all.
Jen: I understand it, but what would you say to those that don’t?
Kayla: I think they say that because they can’t understand how I could be secure in this relationship, emotionally or financially. They assume my relationship with you all is tenuous and I should maintain an exit plan, including a financial one. That’s b.s. to me. I bet I am saving more money than my peers.
Jen: You have money in your own name?
Kayla: Yes, Mike insisted. But he does see my statement and I can not spend it – period. But to be clear, I would have accepted having nothing in my name. I was even willing to have the car in his name. I was willing to have no assets to my name. Mike was the one who insisted on an arrangement where I have money of my own.
Mike said that I deserved a semblance of financial security that you have as his legal wife. While legally it can never be the same, he felt it important that I had a safety net. I can’t get equity in the home, but I could build equity some other way. His explanation made me feel better because honestly, I wanted to 100% submit financially – give everything to him. Now, I cherish what I do have in my name because it represents a financial equity in this household and in our marriage, legal or not.
Jen: Explain how the arrangement works.
Kayla: All our money goes into our household “Bills” account that Mike controls. He takes care of the mortgage, utilities, and any recurring monthly expenses. There’s typically a set amount that he then transfers to our “Daily” account. All three of us are on the Daily account and use it for groceries, gas, clothing, and things like that. (I covered the basics of this is in Post 181. Domestic Financial Discipline). The two of us have rules on what we can buy without permission, like groceries and gas. This account is like our allowance. Mike rarely makes purchases from that account since we are responsible for day-to-day household needs. We are free to spend that account down to zero if need be as it is the amount Mike has allocated for all those daily type household expenses.
And when he puts money in the Daily, he also puts some in our individual savings accounts and the family savings account. That can be used for gifts for birthdays and Christmas and to build up for that rainy day. So savings is already taken out as if it were its own expense. Mike is so good with money. I have no clue how to spend wisely or save anything. Well, I do now.
I already have a nice savings balance, plus Mike was adamant I contribute a large amount to my employer’s 401(k). Believe me, financially speaking I am way better off than most of my peers. While it sounds ominous that my paycheck goes to Mike, I not only enjoy this arrangement, I am benefiting from it. Mike also provides me a level of financial discipline I could not provide on my own.
Jen: Speaking of discipline, let’s talk DD, more precisely, how your journey into submission has evolved. What’s your narrative to describe your journey?
Kayla: The summary of it is, I was insecure, I was self-destructive and headed down a path of even greater destruction, I was scared, I was lost. I was like a ship that on the outside seemed seaworthy but I had no rudder. Then you all let me in. From the moment you shared your dynamic with me I was intrigued. Make that hooked. (Post 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla). I remember immediately thinking, “I want Mr. H to treat me that way.” I think I became very flirty in hopes of charming you. I guess it worked!
Jen: Ya’ think? Speaking of me, at first, we dabbled with having me as a disciplinarian along with Mike. Talk about that.
Kayla: I liked the idea of being submissive and accountable to both of you. In some ways I still do, but not to the degree I needed it at first. I can’t explain it, but I think part of it was that I wanted to be accepted by both of you and a part of both of you. I didn’t want just a one-way relationship that was only me and Mike while the two of you had your own relationship. I wanted a three-way relationship and at the time I thought being submissive to you was one way to have that. Over time I realized I could have a relationship with you that didn’t include being your submissive, and anyway, it was interfering with your submissive mindset, so we both sort of moved on from that.
Jen: “Sort of?” So would you prefer that I discipline you?
Kayla: Sometimes. But I know when I think through the implications, while I like the idea of it, I wouldn’t like the reality of it. I love where things are between us and wouldn’t want to change it. But, I wouldn’t mind a spanking from you now and then, even if just play.
Jen: Noted. We can make that happen. How would you describe our relationship and your thoughts about the age difference?
Kayla: You are my wife. That’s how I describe it. I love you. Age exists but doesn’t change those feelings. I figure there is probably some element of psychology at work regarding my relationship with my mom – or lack of. When I was 12-15ish I thought of you as a motherly figure. No escaping that. I love the warmth of your nurturing soul, and I love to be the object of that nurturing. And at one time that nurturing may have had more of a mother-daughter vibe, but that vibe completely changed when I became a part of the family.
Jen: Thank you, and yes, it did. You are confident and vibrant. You are “adulting” very well. You don’t need mothering. But, you do like to be little? What do you think that is about? (Post 279. And baby makes three)
Kayla: We’ve talked about this a lot and I still can’t fully explain it. I think the really young age play — infant level play — was part of “resetting” my childhood from the beginning. I needed to start from that beginning. Sort of role-playing it out where I got everything I needed psychologically. And then eventually I “aged up” in that play from infant to toddler to young child.
Jen: And where are you today in that play?
Kayla: I don’t know any other littles, but from what I’ve read I am probably more in line with the more traditional little-play. I still have that need to be little now and then. It’s fun role play, but I get deeply into it, beyond a role. I become little in my mind. I’d say my little persona ranges from age 4 to 7 but occasionally may dip into age 2 or 3 regarding breastfeeding or diaper play.
Jen: I love that breastfeeding and diaper play rolls off your tongue as if you were talking about a favorite dessert or dress.
Kayla: What? You mean they aren’t normal things to talk about? If your readers could only hear some of our conversations! Besides, those are my favorite desserts and dress. (laughing).
Jen: What about your need for discipline. Do you think about why you need this lifestyle?
Kayla: Not really. I just accept it. It fulfills me. It just feels right. It’s like if you asked a vanilla hetero woman what she thinks about why she needs her vanilla hetero lifestyle. You just are what you are and should just be what you are. Go with it if it fulfills you and doesn’t harm others.
Jen: You’re right. I think I project my feelings on this. Coming from 20+ years of being that vanilla hetero wife, I guess it’s easier for me to think about why I changed. I lived the other side for so long and thus it may be more natural to occasionally reflect. But you never see a friend or co-worker or woman in the store or ever have thoughts of, “I wish I could do that. I wish I could be free?”
Kayla: Never. I cherish my role in our marriage and love being submissive. I am free! Free to explore something that means everything to me. Free to explore my submission and do so in a healthy and nurturing environment. I wouldn’t want any other life or lifestyle.
Jen: Your submission is deeper than mine, in terms of what you do and what fulfills you. In kink terms, it is more Master/slave than simply Dominant/submissive.
Kayla: Like you, I had to find my limits, that level of submission that fulfilled me and that Mike was comfortable with giving. He’s such a perfect Dom in helping both of us find our individual limits and not dictating them. I do love a more slave oriented dynamic than a submissive one. It’s hard to explain. I need Mike to know I am his in any and every way he wants. It isn’t enough for him to feel it is true, I want him to demonstrate it is true. No different than you. It’s just a matter of degree. Mike is awesome at recognizing the different degrees to set things for you compared to me.
Jen: I agree, but I always like to note on my blog that while Mike is the perfect Dom, he’s our perfect Dom. He’s perfect because he fulfills what we both need and want. Someone else with different needs and wants may find him inadequate. I like to tell my readers that the perfect Dom is the one that is perfect for you. Fortunately, Mike is perfect for both of us.
Kayla: Oh he sure is, and that makes it all the more fulfilling to serve him. He deserves it. He deserves you, and he deserves me, every ounce and fiber of me. While I may have freely given myself to him, he has shown me that he deserves all of me. It’s a wonderful feeling.
Jen: Yes, it is. When you first joined our family, I made several posts about adjustments I had to make, emotionally, dealing with feelings related to jealously. Have you ever been jealous of me?
Kayla: I don’t think so. I love Mike. But I don’t feel I need him all to myself. Maybe I was fortunate that early on I was too insecure to consider jealousy. That seems counter-intuitive as jealousy is rooted in insecurity. But I felt so deeply insecure that I felt like I didn’t even deserve the feeling of jealousy. Does that make sense? (yes!)
He was your husband and I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, that I didn’t give my mind the chance to think anything negative. I never once felt in competition with you. I didn’t feel I was even entitled to feel like I was competing.
By the time I knew my position in the family was cemented, there simply wasn’t a need for any negative feelings. If such feelings were bubbling around somewhere in my mind, I was in a place where they didn’t matter and I could reconcile them.
And what is there to be jealous of? What would I be competing for? Not legally being his wife? When I think that through I feel terrible, not jealous. If I were his wife, you would not be. I would never take that from you, or from him, or the kids. Their parents are married and in love. I could never want something that would require others to experience so much pain and anguish. Besides, I have everything I need from him and from you. I don’t feel anything is lacking. Like you, I love anything that brings joy to Mike, and there isn’t anyone that brings him more joy than you.
Jen: Thank you, and know that you bring him a lot of joy as well. He loves you, and I love you, and we both love that the other loves you. Lots of love to go around. As I stated before, Love is not Pie. It is not to be divided and rationed. It is infinite and to be shared.
You do a lot for Mike. Things I don’t even do. You clean his car every day, you run to put towels in the dryer when he showers so you can bring him warm towels when he is done. The two of you have a lot of rituals as well and he communicates a lot to you in simple gestures, like your own form of sign language. Mike is also a lot more strict with you. You probably get 2-3 times the spankings I do. And your discipline mixes in a lot of sex. Do you ever look at my dynamic with Mike and wish your submission was less deep?
Kayla: The question is, do you ever look at mine and wish yours was deeper?
Jen: No, that’s not the question. (I said in a mock stern voice). But I think I understand that as an answer. In other words, your submission is where you and Mike want it to be and that’s that. I totally get that. And for the record, I love watching the two of you interact. It always brings me joy to witness your submission to him.
Changing gears. You are changing your last name to match ours. This is an amazing commitment on your part and we are overwhelmed by your decision. It never dawned on us to even consider such a thing. It’s so special. I don’t have the right words to express just how special a gift that is to us. No question for you. I just needed to state that for my readers. On second thought, I do have a question. What gave you that idea and why did you ask both of us for permission and not just Mike?
Kayla: Thank you. And it isn’t my gift to you, but your gift to me. I was very nervous when I asked you all. I thought one or both of you might get upset and think I was taking things too far. But I kept telling myself that you all have been so supportive and transparent with our relationship – the ceremony, the tattoos. As for how it came to me, it was very sudden, like this lightning bolt. I friend of mine is friends with a gay male couple who were married. She was telling me that when her friends married, they created a new last name that was a mixture of their two names. (here’s a name-mixing tool I found that can help you with ideas)
In an instant it hit me. I need to change my name. And it was more than just needing it, I had to do it. I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of it before. Like I was lacking in trust in our relationship and every day I kept my last name was another day of not demonstrating my full trust. I think that’s why I got nervous. I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if you said no. I thought you all would be happy, but no one can be 100% sure about that. And I was mostly worried about your reaction, Jen.
You’ve always been so supportive and inclusive of me – as part of your family when I was a child, and as part of your marriage as an adult. But I still worried you might think I was going too far, that changing my name was a way to put myself closer to your level. It was a name you had taken, and that maybe you would think I was trying to minimize you taking his name. I felt it was important that I ask both of you and not just Mike. As much as I know Mike is the ultimate decider of all things in our family, I wanted your immediate reaction. I would feel guilty if I thought you were just going along with it because Mike agreed. I didn’t want you to just go along with it. I wanted you to honor it, to invite it, to welcome it. And you did.
Jen: Yes, we both did. Thank you for considering my feelings like that. It is a very big decision, but one I did not hesitate to support. The moment you asked I was like, “Oh my god, I love it. Why didn’t we think of this? It’s perfect.” You were there. I got reprimanded by Mike for not letting him speak first. Again, it’s a wonderful gift to give us and demonstrates your commitment to the three of us as a unified triad. So where do you see yourself in five or ten years? What about kids?
Kayla: I see myself a part of this family. We are three! In my mind, it is “until death do us part.” I know I am still young and that the road in life has a way of throwing unexpected curves or present divergent paths. If that happens, we deal with them at that time. But I am probably not much different than anyone who gets married. They don’t think about it as, “Well, what will I do when this is over?” The thoughts are, “What will WE be like in the future?”
I think we will be a lot like we are today. Our dynamic may evolve, but the three of us will remain three. And kids? Sure, I see them at some point. There’s always artificial insemination or good old fashion natural insemination. (laughing). So when the time comes there will be decisions we all will have to make and I do consider it a three-way decision since it impacts all of us.
Jen: For the readers, I think I’ve written before, Mike has been snipped, as coincidentally has John, TJ, and Matt. The only man in our COT who isn’t sterile is Jaime (condoms and/or birth control!). And we’ve told Kayla that we are supportive of her having a child at some point. We don’t feel now is a good time, nor does she, but we see it happening at some point.
So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex. What do you think about your sex life?
AND WITH THAT
I think I will end this post and will most definitely wrap up this Q&A with Kayla on the next post. I hope you all enjoy hearing from her and understanding more about her. I am so proud of her and so happy to be a part of her life and her a part of mine. Maybe I got too excited and am oversharing. But I tend to be an over-sharer. It’s my brand for this blog and you wouldn’t want me to get off-brand would you? So you’ll just have to accept it and skim through it or skip it if it is just too much blah-blah-blah for you.