Tag Archives: self aware

208. Inspiration from Kayla

I’ve rewritten this post many times before publishing, finally getting it to a less than epic size.  Too many disjointed thoughts…maybe now it’s finally coherent.  Regardless, the process was beneficial to me as I find it therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings, even if I don’t publish them.  Maybe I’ll stop typing out every conversation in my head.  Maybe I won’t.  But then again, maybe I will.  Humm, no, maybe not.  lol.  

I do have a spanking story for you that I’ll share on another post.  Yep, Jenny got a pretty good one today.  But that story will have to wait.

I ended Post 203, asking Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react?  Did he actually get turned on by it?”

KAYLA AND MICHAUD
Kayla and Michaud have forged quite the unique relationship.  At Kayla’s urging, they committed to a “100% “Authentic” policy as she calls it.  They share with each other whatever whim they are thinking, without regards to political correctness, relationship correctness, or anything else.  A very “in the moment” way of being.  

Kayla said she was inspired by me and my incessant need to get to the root of a feeling (aw shucks).  She thought it would be interesting experiment and take some things she has learned as a submissive and try to apply them to a “normal” relationship.  Put aside the fact that Kayla and Michaud’s relationship doesn’t follow any “norms” that I am aware of.

She said the two of them are often asking the other, “Why?” or “How does that make you feel?” or, “What is it you want me to do?”  They have the habit of starting sentences with, “I feel…”  Neither one of them has ever been so transparent and straight forward in a relationship before. 

SELF CONFIDENCE SNOWBALL
Kayla told me she feels that both her and Michaud have developed a strong sense of confidence.  The confidence gives them the bravery required to reveal more and more of themselves and it feeds on itself.  The more genuine she is, the more she learns about herself.  With confidence high, she reveals more.  This new aspect isn’t rejected, fueling more confidence, more self awareness, which is again shared, and the cycle repeats.     

She also said that in learning so much about Michaud makes her see how unique he is.  She finds the increasing individuality she sees in him makes him even more attractive.  In her words, “He’s gotten sexier since we started this.” At the same time, I sense Kayla is learning a lot about herself, and Michaud is seeing this unique person emerge with her own strong individuality, making her even more attractive to Michaud.  Sounds a lot like Post 68.  To fall in love…do this.  Either that or the sex is just amazing.  Ha!  

Kayla feels all of this started a year ago when she moved in with us.  The self discoveries she made are the foundation for what she has with Michaud.  She said the joy, happiness, and clarity of her “internal monologue” has greatly improved.  She is excited to share that monologue and have it accepted in a relationship.

She knows Michaud could have rejected her from the beginning, or once she shared the news of our dynamic, or once he started experiences the implications of that dynamic, or for countless other reasons people decide not to pursue or continue a relationship.  If she had been rejected she believes it would not have been pleasant but she would not have been crushed – and prior to moving in with us, even the thought of rejection crushed her.   Her new found self confidence doesn’t make room for feeling threatened by rejection.  Of course, Michaud fully accepted her, which clearly is an affirming experience that gives her even more confidence.

And Michaud has fully accepted her.  He has not shown any behaviors I was expecting, at least not anything Kayla has shared with us.   No jealousy, no resentment, no frustration.  I think it’s because Kayla was so honest and clear up front regarding what he was getting into.  Not that he hasn’t had a few complaints.  

He told Kayla he wishes they could spend more time together.  Reasonable!  They do spend a lot of time together, but between school and family expectations, I understand why Michaud wants more.  Btw, I say “family” expectations because we feel Kayla is very much family.  Mike has eliminated a lot, but not all, of her household duties.  Kayla also sees and communicates with her mom and dad. 

Michaud also wants Kayla to spend the night with him.  Mike told Kayla from the beginning that there would be no overnights at Michauds.  Mike has indicated he might change this.  He did allow for a later curfew on New Year’s Eve and has indicated he might be willing to consider okaying an overnight or two. It may seem silly to have a curfew and these restrictions on a 23-year old.  It isn’t about age, it is about submission.  Kayla accepts and appreciates these restrictions.

JEN’S TAKE
I think this is all about authenticity.  Authenticity is highly attractive!  And being authentic requires one thing?  Here it comes again, I’ve only talked about it a bajillion times – vulnerability!  (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 and probably a bunch of others).

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable means you express your beliefs, ideals, standards, and expectations without feeling threatened by the knowledge that some people will take exception.  You also are not threatened by your own faults, so readily admit to them.  You are not judgmental of others, because you want others to be comfortable being vulnerable, because it is where you thrive.

Kayla said it can be exhausting at times, and when it is one of them just says, “I don’t want to play right now, can we just enjoy the moment without dissecting why we are enjoying it?   They’ve both learned to respect the other when one of them reaches this point.  Sometimes there is power in quiet stillness.

JEN’S INSPIRATION
I took several things from Kayla’s example.  I have always taken pride in my self-reflection and dedicated many posts to being authentic, vulnerable, blah, blah, blah (just checking to see if you are actually reading this).  Despite that, as I shared in my last post, I still often fail at being authentic in the moment.  At times I still hold back my feelings until I felt I formulated the “correct” feeling.  By then, the moment is gone.  What is left is bottled up, repressed, unexpressed.  Thus feelings of angst, uneasiness, and anger would manifest themselves out of nowhere in controlling, passive aggressive ways.

With inspiration from Kayla, I am doubling down on my making sure I express myself.  Reminding myself to separate “thoughts” from “feelings” and to just allow myself to feel and express that feeling, without the filter of thought.  I have definitely been doing a better job of this the last three years, but still not where I want to be.  I think finally connecting with the likely “source” of my bad habit (per prior post) will help me purge it entirely – if that is even possible to undo a habit ingrained since childhood.

EXPRESSIVE SUBMISSIVE?
Being submissive doesn’t mean being passive when it comes to sharing feelings.  In my DD we have created the perfect forum for expressing myself in a constructive manner.  My DD requires me to be respectful, truthful, and forthcoming.  And when it is one of those times where the only acceptable response is, “Yes, Sir,” I still have ways to express my feelings.  In those situations I have my journal and then in a Maintenance Sessions I can share what I was feeling in the moment.

I am not required to always agree with Mike, nor am I not allowed to take exception to something he does.  But my means of disagreement or objection are structured — not to quiet them, but to give them more impact.  I’ve found that being submissive has resulted in Mike being more attentive to my needs and feelings.  

ENOUGH, WHAT DID MICHAUD SAY ON NEW YEARS EVE?
I had this all written out in sexy, lurid, and nether-region tingling detail.  But when I shared it with Kayla she thought it was weird for me to write about what she told me.  So I decided to omit the blow-by-blow, titillating details (pun intended). 
Kayla told Michaud that Mike had sex with her just before she left the house.  In what has become his habit, Michaud asked her about the details, and Kayla obliged.  Kayla then told him, “Sir did this specifically with you in mind as he wanted me to have a good sex story to tell you.  And he specifically told me not to clean up”  

Michaud got this sort of “Ewww” look to his face and then said, “So, are you a bit messy down there?”  And in keeping with their “authentic” ways Kayla said, “I think so, I kinda feel it, let’s take a look.”  And she pulled her pants and panties down to reveal some wet panties. 

At that point I think they cheated.  Michaud said, “fine, just so happens I was hoping we would have sex in the shower.”  Kayla wasn’t sure what Mike would think of this but she went along and later that evening they had shower sex.  She was pretty sure Mike was going to spank her for this but he didn’t.  Mike said it wasn’t about trying to cock-block Michaud.  It was primarily focused on giving Kayla something to think about regarding a command from him and her submissiveness to him.  Clearly it was on her mind when she was Michaud, so mission accomplished.

DON’T CALL ME SOMETHING TO SHARE (exception)
I don’t know if there will be a point where Michaud tires of “sharing” Kayla with us.  I put that in quotes because when Kayla first read this she told me she is sensitive to using the word “share” regarding time with Michaud.  She said Michaud used that word once and she told him quite sternly she is not his to be “shared.”  She may choose to split her time with other duties in life, whether it be school or anything else, but it isn’t about sharing her time with him. 

She feels the word “share” should be reserved for something like dessert, or an Uber, or some other “thing.”  Not a person.  Then she was quick to add, “or reserved for a submissive, because if Sir is wanting to share me in some way, then yes, I can be shared.”

I found this to serve as further evidence that Kayla is not looking to be submissive to Michaud.   She has always said this, but it is stories like that which show she really means it.  And of course she does, because she tell us if she felt otherwise – her authenticity demands it!

P.S. I discovered I left Kayla off my updates I did to my ABOUT section.  Shame on me.  I wrote it out but forgot to cut and paste it into the post.  I will get on that now!  Sorry, Kayla!

NEXT: 209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

207. More about Me (than I even knew)

207

Boring alert.   No spanking or submission stories here.  Just a self-indulgent post all about me!   If you want to know more about my personal life and what makes me me, read on.  If you don’t, that makes me sad – so indulge me.  Read on anyway!

MORE ABOUT ME (THAT I KNEW)
I tidied up my blog a bit.  I also am now sharing a lot more personal details.  Up to now I’ve peppered a few personal details here and there, even “adjusted” a few facts around anniversaries and ages for privacy reasons.  Well, I have removed those “adjustments.”

Mike is especially conservative when it comes to what I share online.  Our names are real, as is Kayla’s, but other names have been changed or abbreviated.  As Mike puts it, I need to leave some room for “plausible deniability” if someone we know happens across my blog and we don’t want to own up to it.

I asked Mike if this post is acceptable to him and he agreed that it was.  We are so much more comfortable with our lifestyle and it is extremely unlikely someone we know will read the blog and connect it to us.  Not that we want to shout it from the rooftops, but if someone who knows us stumbles onto my blog, well, so be it.

Want to know more about me?  Read my updated —  About — section!
Also check out my new Shortcuts for those that want a condensed DD Jenny experience.  

My desire to share came with a recent breakthrough I made about myself.  It may seem minor to some, but it is a big deal for me.  

MORE ABOUT ME (THAN I EVEN KNEW)
I shared a little about my upbringing in Post 2. The Backstory.  But I recently made a major revelation that has helped my submissive state of mind.

My mom was always one to promote sharing of ones feelings.  She never made me or my sisters feel ashamed, afraid, ridiculous, or wrong for anything we ever expressed.  You would think the result would be that I became very open and quick to express every thought I had.  Well, it wasn’t that easy and I only recently realize why.

I vividly remember when I was little that I would observe my siblings share whatever feeling they were having about whatever topic.  I recall I would always “evaluate” what they were saying.   I didn’t call it that at the time, and wasn’t consciously choosing to do that.  I just did it.  Even though my mom never “judged” them on their feelings or desires, I secretly was doing so. 

As early as around the first grade I can remember listening to my siblings and then thinking to myself, “Humm, I don’t think that makes much sense,” or, “Come on, they really didn’t think that through very well,” or even, “What a waste of time. That will never happen so just move on.”  For some reason, while I wasn’t afraid of sharing my thoughts, I had convinced myself that when I did, I wanted it to be compelling and awe-inspiring.   I think it was the competitor in me that somehow thought I needed to “beat” my sisters at the thinking game.  This idea stayed with me, all the way up until I was 45.

I think that is why I always spend so much time analyzing my feelings.  I have gotten better where such analysis is “post-expression.”  Meaning it comes after I expressed the feeling.  But there was a time such analysis was “pre-expression.”  So I would never express the feeling.  I would let it percolate and cogitate, making sure it was the “best” feeling, before expressing it.  Almost as if a feeling was an argument.  I didn’t want to express it until I knew I could win the argument (with myself). Does that make sense?

If my family were a club, it would be the “be yourself, express yourself, be silly if you feel like being silly, be whatever if you feel like being whatever – club.”  Despite that, somehow it caused me to be the opposite, even though I thought I was still part of the club the whole time.  I was often called the “logical” one, but I was proud of that term.  I guess because making me feel bad for being “logical” would be against the family creed, so I was never made to feel that it was bad.

What I now fully realize is that I was never good at truly expressing myself, at least not in the moment.  And it is “in the moment” that we truly feel.  Thinking comes later.  To really see ourselves at our reflexes, you have to be willing to express the feeling in the moment, raw and unfiltered by “logic.”   In doing so, you can truly learn what makes you tick, and if you aren’t satisfied with your emotional reflexes, work to change them.   By doing this, you are changing your core…changing your perceptions and reaction.   You can only make such changes by being able to examine the true and honest feelings you have.  Those feelings only come from “the moment.”  Not from hours or days (or sometimes weeks or months) of percolating in the mind.

By the time I expressed a feeling, it may have sounded good, but may not have really reflected how I felt at the time.  It reflected how I WISH I FELT at the time.  Thus I never got to address the bad feelings in an honest way.  Thus those feelings festered, and manifested themselves into the need to control my environment, or passive aggressive habits where I felt resentment that others should have assumed to know what I wanted even though I didn’t express how I felt.

I even look back at my interest in counseling and feel it was less about helping people and more about learning ways to have a more sound “argument” with myself over what I was feeling before I dare express those feelings.

What I now see is a very clear pattern that precedes each time I ever doubt Mike.  It all starts with me not expressing something I am feeling.  Not because I am ashamed or afraid to express it, but because I feel I haven’t fully thought through every angle.  In my mind I hadn’t “earned” the right to express it.  Thus, frustration, anxiety, resentment, or a potpourri of various negative emotions build.  This ball of anxiety needs something to project itself on, and the easiest thing to project it on is the behavior of those around me.

In the case of Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year, there were some things nagging at me related to the holidays.  I won’t bore you with the details (you’re like, why not Jenny, you bored us with plenty so far), but simply put there were some things I had envisioned for the holidays that didn’t come to fruition.  The “old” Jenny felt like Mike should have known what I envisioned and made it happen, even though I never shared that vision with him.

I’ve done very well to keep this “old” Jenny from reappearing, but clearly haven’t fully exorcised her from my reflexes.   “Progress, not perfection,” as Mike always reminds me.  

NEXT:  Post 208.  Inspiration from Kayla