I started writing this over the weekend although didn’t post until now. Kayla has moved in, but let me first take you back about a week or so . . .
Kayla was spending more time with us as her move-in date neared. She would pop-in at various times of the day, and evenings, and spent the night a few times. Mike then realized something was wrong and he told Kayla she could no longer just show up as she pleased. It was very un-sub like!
For context – This began on Wednesday, December 14. Our son J would be off for the Christmas and New Year’s break starting Monday, 12/19. In addition, Mike was working from home all day for the 15th and 16th.
Mike told her that he felt it was unwise and unsubmissive to allow her to pick-and-choose when to be submissive or when she wanted to sleep with us. She must come over on Thursday and Friday, arriving at 9am and that she would leave at 4pm. That night she was expected to return and spend the night with us, and also come over for dinner and spend the night on Saturday. For the following week they would discuss her needs and he would set a firm schedule for her. The alternative to all of this would be that she could not come over until the move in date.
Mike’s actions were a pleasant surprise to me. I love it when he does dom-like things that I am not expecting. I found it erotic to hear his firm commands to Kayla regarding her schedule. It also showed great awareness on his part for needing to exert his dominance as her carefree approach to her coming and going was not in keeping with a submissive mindset.
Her only response was “Yes, Sir. I’ll stick to your schedule.” Mike didn’t end his instructions there.
Mike told her that her unsub-like attitude deserved punishment. For her visit on Thursday and Friday she is to text him just before arriving to ensure J was not home. She was to let herself in and immediately disrobe once inside. She was not to say anything to me (if I was home) and was to immediately go and choose a spanking implement and go into Mike’s office. Once there she was not to make any eye contact with Mike at any time. She is to stand in the corner, holding the implement, and awaiting further instruction. When he is ready she is to get on her knees and hold up the implement to Mike, again without making eye contact. Mike will then instruct her as to the position she is to take and he will then spank her for five minutes at the speed and force of his choosing. He again stressed she is not to make eye contact with him. She will be instructed when to leave the room and there will be no aftercare. She is to return at the top of every hour, never early and never late and this scene will be repeated. The “closing ceremony” will take place at the 3pm.session. (As per both my contract and Kayla’s, the closing ceremony outlines the aftercare that occurs after a punishment).
He asked Kayla what her feelings were about this. As I covered in other posts, Kayla has a hard time expressing herself and one of the things she wants to work on is sharing what is truly on her mind. As part of her contract she is expected to explain her feelings anytime she is asked. If her answer is unsatisfying she will be asked to “elaborate.” That word is her queue that she has one last chance to express herself to our satisfaction or else she will be punished. No stammering or hesitations. It’s okay if she is uncertain, but she must state whatever comes to mind and she is allowed to amend or elaborate as necessary. The key is she needs to express something, anything. It doesn’t have to be “correct.” Just quickly express her feelings with whatever words come to mind.
To Kayla’s credit, she had a quick and thorough answer. “I feel good about it, Sir. I deserve it and while it makes me anxious, it also makes me happy to know that you are looking out for the things I said I needed and wanted. I am ready.” No need to elaborate there.
Kayla arrived the next morning, on time, and proceeded according to plan. Kayla picked a medium-sized wooden paddle for her first spanking of the day. Despite my curiosity I avoided hanging out near Mike’s office.
It will be odd to some of you but I felt that this punishment was between Mike and Kayla. In my mind any eavesdropping on my part would diminish their experience together. I feel that way in general and not just about this particular punishment. I want Mike and Kayla to have a relationship that doesn’t always include me. It excites me to allow Mike to explore on his own (as per Post 90 – Mike’s Date Night with Donna). I know that is counter-culture and is contrary to how I am “supposed” to feel. But it is my true feeling – I enjoy Mike’s enjoyment, even when it means he is experiencing something without me.
I also enjoy it for Kayla. I love the thought that she is exploring and experiencing a relationship with Mike that is her own – without my interference. I am around plenty, and I am involved plenty, so there is no reason for me to insert myself at every opportunity to do so just because I am able. I already told Mike and Kayla they don’t have to inform me of the things they experience together. They can share if they are wanting to share, but they shouldn’t do so out of a sense of obligation to share with me. I get a thrill out of thinking of Kayla and Mike’s relationship as their own, different from my relationship with Mike and different from my relationship with Kayla. Compersion! I never heard the term until recently but it fully describes what I feel.
BACK TO THE SPANKING
Although I avoided going near Mike’s office, I could hear Kayla crying. When she came out she immediately came to me and had me hold her. I just let her cry for a while and eventually asked her what she was feeling. She said it was a mixed bag of emotions. Part good – happy and love. Part bad – disappointment and embarrassment. She felt she let Mike down and also felt embarrassed in front of me. Oh, and of course, part of her, her ass to be precise, felt bad from pain.
I reassured her that her feelings were normal and I feel that way too at times. I told her that sometimes I have to remind myself that Mike does not feel let down. Our submission is about our commitments to ourselves and feelings of letting someone down should be directed to ourselves. Then, use that feeling as fuel for upholding the things we committed to. As far as being embarrassed in front of me, I told her that for me, I relate the feeling of embarrassment to one of vulnerability. As a submissive I thrive on feeling vulnerable to Mike, thus embarrassment is welcomed and enjoyed. She wants to be submissive to me, thus her embarrassment is actually demonstrating the vulnerability she is feeling and that vulnerability in turn demonstrates her submission. I encouraged her to try to welcome that feeling and wear it with pride, not shame.
She stopped crying and said she thinks she gets it. She then said her other feeling was one of being anxious over the rest of the day as she was in for many more sessions (six more!). She wasn’t sure she could take it. I told her I could relate. One of the worst parts of a deferred punishment is the deferring – that waiting and knowing what is to come. I told her ultimately she would need to discover what works best for her in dealing with that feeling, however, I would share how I do it.
Again, I try to tie it back into my submission. In this case Mike is choosing to prolong the punishment and purposely making her feel the anticipation of what is to come. So if that anticipation manifests itself as anxiety, or nervousness, or whatever the feeling is, it is that feeling that we are submitting ourselves to. That doesn’t make the feeling go away, but for me it makes it easier to accept and helps make it feel more positive than negative. So whether we are submitting to a spanking that physically hurts, or submitting to the anxiety of the deferred punishment, it is still all about submission. In that way, it makes me joyful. Lastly, as for the pain part, I reminded her that the safe words are there for a reason and don’t hesitate to use them.
Kayla became more apprehensive as the top of the next hour approached but I chose not to bring it up or ask her anything as I thought it would just add to her anxiety. She went to Mike’s office and soon I again heard her cries. She came out and again rushed into my arms. I didn’t say anything to her for some time. I just held her and rubbed her back. As she calmed down I asked her again how she was feeling. She said that it was better than the first time. She tried to connect the various feelings with her submission and that “sort of” worked. She said she wasn’t completely there, but felt better about it. She also said she longs for the closing ceremony with Mike and that she feels empty leaving the punishment without him holding her. I simply acknowledged that this was tough and I can imagine feeling the same way and I was sorry she had to go through that.
Another hour and another spanking. I didn’t hear any crying but could hear an occasional “Ow!” She came out teary eyed but did not need my consoling. She told me it hurt like heck but she was able to get through it and is determined to get through it. I reminded her not to hold back her feelings and if she needs to cry, cry. She said she did not and the feelings of embarrassment or of letting Mike down were gone. She said any look of distress was simply due to her throbbing butt, which, after three sessions, was quite red.
Another hour and another spanking. I didn’t hear anything coming out of the room. When she emerged she was teary eyed but smiling. She told me that Mike put down the implement and simply used his hand. While she got a “ton of spankings” they didn’t seem as intense to her. When she showed me her ass I could see that every square inch was red. One thing with hand spankings is that it is easier to direct your aim to specific parts and it looked like Mike’s intention was to fully cover her ass.
She was in there a lot longer and when she came out she was crying. She told me she had to use her safe word several times to have Mike pause for a while. She said it is also driving her crazy that Mike is not saying anything to her. He just tells her to get in whatever position, spank her, and then says, “we’re done.” I held her and reassured her she was handling this all very well and was almost through it.
She emerged with teary eyes but didn’t seek any consoling from me. I asked her what she was feeling and she said “fine.” I felt bad for pushing for an answer but given her need to better express herself I felt I couldn’t just let it go. I asked her to “elaborate.” She said that she is focused on her submission and everything she is feeling can be summed up as “submissive.” She is joyful in her submission and any tears are out of physical discomfort only and that emotionally she is joyful and she looks forward to the final spanking and Closing Ceremony. (that’s basically our term for After Care as per the Contract).
She was in Mike’s office for twenty minutes. I walked by the office and it was quiet. Through the closed door I told them I was leaving to pick up J. Mike simply said, “Okay, we’ll be done by the time you return.”
Kayla was taking a bath when I returned home. I went to speak with her and I could see her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying, but she was smiling and happy. When I asked her what she was feeling she proclaimed, “Proud, happy, excited, love! I am looking forward to returning tomorrow.” I didn’t see the need to ask her to elaborate.
I never asked Mike what occurred and he never told me. Later he told me that Kayla really seems to “get it” regarding being submissive and wants him to continue being strict with her. As much as I’d like to know the details of what went on in the last session, I take solace in simply knowing the outcome. Kayla was happy.
GETTING UP TO DATE
The next day (December 16) she received the same punishments as the day before, but in emerging from each session she never sought solace from me. She would be a bit teary eyed, but it appeared she did little crying. Mike did each spanking by hand this time and Kayla said she really liked that. After the first few sessions I stopped even asking her how she was feeling as each time she said “Wonderful. Joyful. Happy.”
She spent several mornings and afternoons with us last week. J was on Christmas break from school and our son T2 also spent several days with us. Suffice to say the visits from Kayla that week lacked the submissive intensity of the prior week. Kayla did earn some spankings, as did I. Nothing cathartic or unusual. We had to navigate the issue of our sons being home, which we did by either scheduling some errands so that either Kayla or I could be alone with Mike, or, some quick visits to John and Donna’s.
She moved in yesterday and I already have some fun stories to share. I think my posts will continue to be filled with Kayla stories for some time. Suffice to say Mike and I are in love with her, and she with us.
I remain cognizant of the fact that love, too, can come with an entourage of associates (not just jealousy as per Post 88 – Something True). We must not let it blind us to the things that could be present that are unhealthy for any of us. I am confident that Mike and I are mature and experienced enough to avoid this, but the fact is Kayla, at 22, may lack the life experience to recognize those things. As such, we continue to do everything we can to ensure she is expressing what is on her mind and sharing not just her thoughts, but her motivations. Thus far, everything seems to be aligned around one simple truth. Love. Since there are three of us, more aptly, Compersion – with a side order of submission and spanking!