So this writing funk I mentioned two posts back. . . yeah, it started about mid-July and for about a month I couldn’t quite place what it was. I just didn’t feel an energy to get on my computer for any reason. It wasn’t just my blog and my “private” me (the one that blogs and corresponds with a handful of “email buddies” met via this blog). But even the “public” me – the one with Facebook, surfing YouTube, and chatting with IRL friends, as well the one who surfs various news, Twitter, etc. I had this need to just stay away from it all. Part of it was PTSD – President Trump Stress Disorder, but that was only a part of it.
ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
My submissive mindset has always been very “active.” Three-plus years of actively pursuing the “right” level of submission. Actively looking for validation – little mental markers or milestones as evidence that I was on the right path. Activity looking for feedback from Mike to make sure we stayed calibrated in understanding each other’s needs. Actively needing to reconcile the “threat” submission has to my upbringing and society norms.
It also included actively guiding Kayla on her journey. I worry about her and want to make sure she is being fulfilled, both in her relationship with me and with Mike, as well as feeling good about herself.
All this “active” efforts kept me focused on my submissive journey, a journey that has been fulfilling beyond all expectations. And these efforts compelled me to want to share my journey and project my joy on to others via my writing.
PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Well, lately I’ve felt more of a passive mindset. As I stated in that prior post, I feel we have found the right level of domestic discipline, or D/s dynamic that works best for us. I no longer have a need for validation every step of the way, for I am here, no more steps, and my validation is that I am happier and more secure as a wife, mom, and person than I have ever been.
Additionally, Mike and I have basically “institutionalized” our calibration process. That is, we don’t have to think about it. It just happens. The Maintenance Sessions and continued open and honest communication is a reflex that doesn’t require effort. It just happens!
I don’t feel submission is a threat to my upbringing or social norms. Better yet, I don’t feel my submission threatens my upbringing. I was taught to pursue my passion and love life, every moment, every day. While I am sure my mom didn’t think my passion would include submission, the great thing about how I was raised is that I was left to define my own passion. Further, being open to my friends and family about my submission and not being rejected for it has further reconciled any “threats” I once felt ( far from rejected, it has led to others opening up about their own “kinks” or “unique” relationship dynamics).
Lastly, Kayla has grown tremendously. The once awkward and sullen wallflower now exudes a confident, shining personality and inner beauty. She had just turned 22 when she moved in with us, and will be 24 in a few months. A great age for a lot of personal growth and maturity, with or without my influences. I don’t see her as that little girl in need of protection. I see her as a young woman who can hold her own and who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get it.
The result is my submissive mindset is now a bit more passive. Don’t mistake that for docile or disinterested. It connotes a level of acceptance that is void of resistance or effort. It just is!
WHAT PASSIVE SUBMISSION IS LIKE
I still can’t fully describe it, but perhaps I can describe what it isn’t. There isn’t this yearning, this ache for something that seems just beyond my grasps. It is comfortable, it is automatic, it is a reflex. And yes, it is still just as fulfilling as the “active” submission.
I was already feeling it a few weeks prior to Immersion. It struck me during a spanking (hee hee, a little spanking humor). Simply, I wasn’t feeling like a spanking. I mean, it isn’t like I typically look forward to one, but, they always have the effect of feeding my submissive mindset. In this case, I wasn’t feeling like it served that purpose. It was simply a consequence of my actions, and not a part of making me feel submissive.
That sounds subtle, but that was huge for me. I still can’t quite articulate what the difference is. I can only repeat it in various forms — I fully accepted the spanking as a consequence of my actions, not as a result of my submission. I was being punished because I earned the punishment, not because I was submissive. That all just feels soooo different to me. I felt equally fulfilled, but just different. Again, I can’t explain it (which means my next post will probably be an attempt to do so!)
THE EPIPHANY CANING
We had just dropped J off at my parents and returned home. It was Maintenance Sunday and our plan was to have a normal evening and start our Immersion in the morning. Mike gave a Maintenance spanking using the cane.
He struck me about six or seven times, a couple more than normal for a Maintenance, and a bit harder than usual. Then he said he wasn’t satisfied with the results and he repeated the six or seven strikes, a bit harder than the first set. I had to grit my teeth and squirmed a bit as they were starting to really hurt. He inspected my ass and again said “not good enough, one more set.” And he repeated the strikes, even a bit harder than the previous set.
By this point it was really hurting and my increased whimpering turned into tears. I didn’t know why he was giving such an aggressive Maintenance. Then he said he still wasn’t satisfied and there needed to be a few more really hard ones. My thought, which I kept to myself was, “like those last ones weren’t hard enough?” I got three more and really started to cry. He then said that was enough.
I don’t know what came over me, but, I asked him if he would repeat the Maintenance. Not just the last strokes, but all of them. That meant another 20-25. I’ve never had so many with the cane. Mike asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I told him, “Not now, can you just do it?”
Mike complied. I ended up a crying, sobbing mess. I hadn’t cried that hard in a very long time. It was a pretty monumental cry. And my butt looked as you would expect. Very striped and very red and soon purple.
What was that about?? Next post.
Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! 
Sorry for not being around as much lately but glad to be able to stop by tonight. Maybe I can help with a bit of perspective.
You know how I enjoy putting words to new uses and (hopefully) helping others see a problem more clearly via a different angle. The story of such a time years ago might be of use.
I was mentoring (for the lack of a better descriptor) a lady in her relationship. She had realized her urges and they had THE talk. He agreed and she was estatic. Everything will be just like in the fairytale right? Uhm, no, he was vanilla but he wanted to please his beloved wife. BUT, he wasn’t giving her those moments that she craved. Maybe one act a month seemed enough to him. She was sitting, waiting and flustered. I needed to get through to her what she needed to do and the conversations so far weren’t cutting it. Out of some pondering came the word play “Active Submission”.
I explained to her that it is what she needed to do, to think of it as you would think about how you may act or dress in a given environment. Instead of awaiting a command, act. Show the submission. Wait outside the shower with his towel, serve his food after he is seated and dress as he might desire. (Does he like the color shirt you have on? Does he prefer skirts or jeans.) Doing that shows a willingness to please, to serve. It is also quite likely to begin to get his attention in a new way.
The phrasing made things “click” for her and she soon had her fairytale. It has helped a lot of others over the years (and I like that) but I’m not sure you aren’t doing quite well there. In watching you over time it has never appeared a thing you lacked and so I’m not sure if either “active” or “passive” is necessarily fair here.
I say all of this because I understand the fatigue you feel but I also believe you to be lucky. You have (in many ways) reached an equilibrium and peace that most only dream about. It may lack vivid highs and lows and they may run longer at times but yet it is a wonderful balance.
Hmmm…, haven’t read much in the past couple of months so it is a bit of a guess but I hope it is useful and you have been well in the interim.
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Equilibrium is a good word. It lacks the thrill of the “highs” but is void the “lows.” It represents a desired state thus i am happy, but its not as “fireworky” to coin a phrase.
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True and I suppose this is what I meant to highlight. It isn’t at all negative however, it is just your “new normal”. Ponder that you had an equilibrium before this and, if you had to pick between the two, which would you prefer? Not a bad normal ma’am.
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No preference. They each were what I needed at a given time.
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Wise point.
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Wow! This is huge for you. Notice some changes in your posts. Like you gave up the inner fight with yourself. Yes threat! You can truly live this life to its fullest. Glad you see Kayla as a young woman who can make her own choices and maybe put Mamabear to rest. I know from past posts it did cause you a lot of pain.
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At some point, things become second nature to you – it’s like breathing, something you do without giving it any thought until, say, you get a stuffy nose or have a cold and breathing is something you gotta focus on. So I’m not surprised that your DD adventures seem to be passive and you can’t really say what that’s like – it’s not easy just like trying to explain how you breathe isn’t easy – you just do it, right?
When I found myself hip-deep in a poly relationship I was actively working at it every single moment of every single day (man, that’s a lot of work) but one day, the relationship was like on cruise control – it had become second nature to me and didn’t require the very active attention it needed in the beginning – things were… passive and automatic.
Just like breathing.
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