275. Active Submission vs. Passive Submission

So this writing funk I mentioned two posts back. . . yeah, it started about mid-July and for about a month I couldn’t quite place what it was.  I just didn’t feel an energy to get on my computer for any reason.  It wasn’t just my blog and my “private” me (the one that blogs and corresponds with a handful of “email buddies” met via this blog).  But even the “public” me – the one with Facebook, surfing YouTube, and chatting with IRL friends, as well the one who surfs various news, Twitter, etc.   I had this need to just stay away from it all.   Part of it was PTSD – President Trump Stress Disorder, but that was only a part of it.  

ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET 
My submissive mindset has always been very “active.”  Three-plus years of actively pursuing the “right” level of submission.  Actively looking for validation – little mental markers or milestones as evidence that I was on the right path.  Activity looking for feedback from Mike to make sure we stayed calibrated in understanding each other’s needs.   Actively needing to reconcile the “threat” submission has to my upbringing and society norms.   

It also included actively guiding Kayla on her journey.  I worry about her and want to make sure she is being fulfilled, both in her relationship with me and with Mike, as well as feeling good about herself.   

All this “active” efforts kept me focused on my submissive journey, a journey that has been fulfilling beyond all expectations.  And these efforts compelled me to want to share my journey and  project my joy on to others via my writing.

PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Well, lately I’ve felt more of a passive mindset.  As I stated in that prior post, I feel we have found the right level of domestic discipline, or D/s dynamic that works best for us.  I no longer have a need for validation every step of the way, for I am here, no more steps, and my validation is that I am happier and more secure as a wife, mom, and person than I have ever been. 

Additionally, Mike and I have basically “institutionalized” our calibration process.  That is, we don’t have to think about it.  It just happens.  The Maintenance Sessions and continued open and honest communication is a reflex that doesn’t require effort.  It just happens!    

I don’t feel submission is a threat to my upbringing or social norms.  Better yet, I don’t feel my submission threatens my upbringing.  I was taught to pursue my passion and love life, every moment, every day.  While I am sure my mom didn’t think my passion would include submission, the great thing about how I was raised is that I was left to define my own passion.  Further, being open to my friends and family about my submission and not being rejected for it has further reconciled any “threats” I once felt  ( far from rejected, it has led to others opening up about their own “kinks” or “unique” relationship dynamics).   

Lastly, Kayla has grown tremendously.  The once awkward and sullen wallflower now exudes a confident, shining personality and inner beauty.  She had just turned 22 when she moved in with us, and will be 24 in a few months.  A great age for a lot of personal growth and maturity, with or without my influences.  I don’t see her as that little girl in need of protection.  I see her as a young woman who can hold her own and who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get it.

The result is my submissive mindset is now a bit more passive.  Don’t mistake that for docile or disinterested.  It connotes a level of acceptance that is void of resistance or effort.   It just is!

WHAT PASSIVE SUBMISSION IS LIKE
I still can’t fully describe it, but perhaps I can describe what it isn’t.   There isn’t this yearning, this ache for something that seems just beyond my grasps.   It is comfortable, it is automatic, it is a reflex.  And yes, it is still just as fulfilling as the “active” submission.

I was already feeling it a few weeks prior to Immersion.  It struck me during a spanking (hee hee, a little spanking humor).   Simply, I wasn’t feeling like a spanking.  I mean, it isn’t like I typically look forward to one, but, they always have the effect of feeding my submissive mindset.  In this case, I wasn’t feeling like it served that purpose.   It was simply a consequence of my actions, and not a part of making me feel submissive.  

That sounds subtle, but that was huge for me.    I still can’t quite articulate what the difference is.  I can only repeat it in various forms —  I fully accepted the spanking as a consequence of my actions, not as a result of my submission.   I was being punished because I earned the punishment, not because I was submissive.  That all just feels soooo different to me.  I felt equally fulfilled, but just different.  Again, I can’t explain it (which means my next post will probably be an attempt to do so!)  

THE EPIPHANY CANING 
We had just dropped J off at my parents and returned home.  It was Maintenance Sunday and our plan was to have a normal evening and start our Immersion in the morning.   Mike gave a Maintenance spanking using the cane. 

He struck me about six or seven times, a couple more than normal for a Maintenance, and a bit harder than usual.  Then he said he wasn’t satisfied with the results and he repeated the six or seven strikes, a bit harder than the first set.   I had to grit my teeth and squirmed a bit as they were starting to really hurt.  He inspected my ass and again said “not good enough, one more set.”  And he repeated the strikes, even a bit harder than the previous set.   

By this point it was really hurting and my increased whimpering turned into tears. I didn’t know why he was giving such an aggressive Maintenance.  Then he said he still wasn’t satisfied and there needed to be a few more really hard ones.  My thought, which I kept to myself was, “like those last ones weren’t hard enough?”   I got three more and really started to cry.   He then said that was enough.

I don’t know what came over me, but, I asked him if he would repeat the Maintenance.  Not just the last strokes, but all of them.  That meant another 20-25.  I’ve never had so many with the cane.   Mike asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I told him, “Not now, can you just do it?”

Mike complied.  I ended up a crying, sobbing mess.  I hadn’t cried that hard in a very long time.  It was a pretty monumental cry.   And my butt looked as you would expect.  Very striped and very red and soon purple. 

What was that about??   Next post.

Next:  276.  My submission becomes His Dominance

251. . . . and sometimes reminders do have to be spankings

Routines are comfortable, that’s why we like them.  But there are benefits to mixing things up.  “Studies show” when you change things up, you coax your brain into thinking more creatively.  This injection of creativity can improve your mood and outlook.  Yeah, sometimes change just for the sake of change, is good. 

I put “studies show” in quotes because, I don’t know if there are any studies backing up what I just wrote.  I thought it added credibility to a plausible statement.  Hey, at least I admit it. 

Although, I do recall reading somewhere that forcing your brain to make new connections does have positive effects on brain function and well-being.  So there, it must be true if I recall reading it somewhere!  “Studies show…” and “I read…” are always followed by highly credible and accurate statements!  I know it because I once read a study about it.  

NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
I shared in the post before last, that Mike changed up my Thursday Maintenance.  It is now a “family” meeting of sorts with Kayla and I.   A time to talk about our collective relationship(s), connect and bond in some dedicated triad discussion time.

If you read that post, you know that it was more than just discussion.  It was very erotic in a way that we have never experienced before – Kayla and I simply following every sexual request made by Mike.  I mean, we’ve followed his commands before, “do this…” “do that…”  but not an entire series of sexual acts based only on his commands and not just out of the blue.  It was totally unexpected, but totally fun!  I thought perhaps this would be how each of our Thursday sessions would begin. 

I thought wrong.

OUR SECOND NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE SESSION
Kayla and I undressed and Mike remained clothed, as is customary for a Maintenance.  Like last time, Mike had two chairs arranged facing the chair he would sit in.  The three of us sat down.  With my mind on thoughts of  last Thursday, I was looking forward to what Mike would say next. 

“Kayla, stand up, turn around, bend over and put your palms on the chair. Butt out.”
Mike takes off his belt and hands it to me.  “Now Jen, spank her.” 

“Give her 10 and they need to be hard enough so that anyone looking at her butt could tell that she was just spanked with a belt.  If they aren’t hard enough, you’ll repeat the 10 and keep doing so until I am satisfied with the result.  And, if it takes any extra spankings beyond the first 10 for you to achieve my desired result, I will be adding it to the spankings I will administer to both of you.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”  In-so-much that I didn’t exactly follow the math but I understood the point that it meant more spankings for both of us if he wasn’t satisfied with the results.

I started spanking her and at about five, Mike said, “You are going to have to hit harder than that if it is going to leave any marks by ten.”   I increased my intensity.  It has been a long time since I have spanked Kayla.  Maybe eight or nine months?    

“When I was done he got up and closely inspected Kayla’s butt.  “Not good enough, I don’t see anything.  10 more, now.”

“Yes, Sir.”  I spanked her much harder this time, enough to elicit an occasional “Eee!” and “Ow!”  No need for Mike to inspect.  The red marks were clear.

“Jen, give the belt to Kayla and you take position and she will spank you.  Kayla, same thing.  I need to see clear evidence that she was spanked or you get more from me.”

Kayla gave me ten.

Mike took a look and said, “Kayla, come on now, I could tell you weren’t putting enough into it and look, I don’t see any redness or mark.  Now give her 10 more and make it count.”

Kayla gave me ten and boy did they count.  Mike then took the belt and told me to stay in position as I had ten coming from him since I failed to spank Kayla hard enough the first time.  Instead of handing Kayla his belt, he went and got the tawse and handed it to Kayla.  

“Kayla, you will smack that cheek with the tawse and I will smack this one with the belt.  It will be ten, but ten on each cheek, and the cheek you are striking better be more red than the one I am doing or we will repeat this.  

I took my 20 — 10 on each cheek – and my butt was stinging.  In looking back, I credit my submissive mindset to the fact I no longer was trying to process why he was doing this.  I simply accepted it, just as I accepted the sex play last Thursday.  No need to question. Just acceptance. It felt good to just acquiesce and accept. 

Then it was my turn to spank Kayla with the tawse, and again, Mike used the belt and we alternated smacks on our assigned cheek.  Kayla’s face told me she was accepting the spankings much like I was.  No sign of puzzlement or distress.  Only signs of obedience and submission.  It felt good to see that in her.  

Once Kayla’s spanking was done, Mike told us both to sit. 

 As if nothing just happened, Mike calmly said, “So.  Let’s talk,” 

ACTUAL TALKING
We proceeded to discuss the weeks events, upcoming plans, how we were feeling about submission, our relationship, life in general.  How school and things were going for Kayla, what our collective thoughts were on Matt, nudism, you name it.   Very nice discussion, but not as nice as what led up to it!

Neither Kayla nor I asked what that was about.  We knew what it was about.  It was about his Dominance and our submission. 

Sometimes reminders DO have to be spankings!

REFLECTION
A part of me is curious about our last two Thursday sessions.  Not curious about why Mike conducted them the way that he did, but about what is in store for future sessions.  I also feel that my lack of curiosity regarding “why” is a great sign of where I am at submissive-wise.  I don’t need or desire explanation.  I only need and desire obedience and submission.  This feels so good!

Uh-oh!  Pre-DD Jenny just threw up a little in her mouth.  Well pre-DD Jenny, you only wish you were as fulfilled, happy, optimistic, excited, and energized about life as I am.

Next: 252.  Still there? The Naked Caravan

249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

About a year ago Mike and I added to our regular Sunday sessions by holding a second weekly Maintenance Session on Thursdays.   It was the result of my need for some added focus after a string of submissive fails.  What started as temporary, became permanent and we added them to our latest contract.

Mike asked me how I felt about changing the focus of the Thursday sessions as it seemed to him they served their intended purpose and perhaps weren’t needed.  I agreed they were no longer influencing my focus, which has been consistently strong and I asked what he had in mind as I would hope we would continue to have this second touch point — and I don’t mean the cane touching my butt, I mean Mike and I discussing our D/s, hee hee.   

UPDATED THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
The end result is Mike decided to change our Thursday sessions, for now.  I will no longer be caned to start and open the session, and my “unsubmissive” journal, where I write down unsubmissive thoughts, will be part of my normal journal and reviewed at our Sunday session.  

Instead, he wants to use this time for a “family” meeting with both Kayla and I.  This gives us a scheduled time to focus on our collective relationship – discuss how things were going, how we were feeling, and just keep us all collectively in sync.

I love this idea.  We kind of do this already at night, but only in short bites and not always consistently.  Some times you just want to have sex and go to sleep and don’t want to discuss concerns or stresses or be a downer to end the day.  These Thursday sessions will be great.  I just didn’t realize how great!

OUR FIRST NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE SESSION
Kayla and I undressed and Mike remained clothed, as is customary for a Maintenance.
There wasn’t the customary spanking that begins our sessions.  He had two chairs arranged facing the chair he would sit in.  The three of us sat down.  Kayla and I weren’t certain what to expect since this was new to all of us.  It quickly became clear that Mike new what he expected.

We were both sitting in front of him and Mike said, “I want the two of you to follow the instructions I am going to give you.  Don’t do anything other than what I ask. Understood?.”

“Yes, Sir,” we said in unison. 

SO.  LET’s TALK.
Mike calmly said, “Kayla, kiss Jen.  No, don’t put your hand on her, just reach over and give her a kiss on her lips.”   

“Again.”  

“Now Jen, kiss Kayla. . . one more time.  Okay.  Now, I want you start kissing each other, a really good make out session, keep your arms down to your sides.”

“Kayla, slide your hand between your legs and start playing with yourself.   Jen, I want you to play with one of your boobs, squeezing and rubbing it.”

“Now Jen, pinch a nipple and pull as far as you can until it snaps out between your fingers.   Again.  Now keep playing with it”.

“Now stop kissing but Kayla keep playing with your pussy and Jen keep rubbing your breast and playing with your nipple.  Both of you keep your free hand down to your side and I want your eyes staring at me.”

“Kayla, if your finger is good and wet, bring your finger up to Jen’s mouth and let her lick it.  Let her lick it really good then put it back in your pussy and get it wet again and feed it to her again.”

“Jen, scoot your butt to the end of the chair and spread your legs.  Kayla, get up and kneel down in front of her on all fours and lick her pussy – and keep fingering yourself.

Mike got undressed and got behind Kayla and entered her from behind as she continued to lick me.  After a couple of minutes Mike withdrew and ordered Kayla to get on the bed and lay on her back.   He had me stand on one side of the bed as he stood on the other, both of us looking down at Kayla.

“Kayla, keep masturbating however you want, using both hands.”

We stood and watched her for while, then Mike called me over towards him and told me to get on my knees and suck him while he continued to watch Kayla.  At some point he told me to get up.  “Look at Kayla, she is playing with her pussy and her ass hole.  I want you to switch places with her and you play with both holes.  Kayla, get over here and suck me.”

“Both you keep doing what you are doing but neither of you take your eyes of me.”

Kayla was near climax.  I’ve told you before that she can orgasm just giving head. It was clear she was close.

“Kayla, stop sucking.”  He then positioned m so my legs hung over the side of the bed as my back was still laying on the bed.  He spread my legs and entered me and told Kayla to climb on the bed and sit across my face so I could eat her pussy. 

I wouldn’t say we came in unison, but it was close.  Kayla first, then me, then Mike.  Mike then told Kayla to knee on the floor where he was just standing over me and get on her knees and lick me clean.  Having just cum, I could hardly stand it.

Mike got dressed and told Kayla to keep going at my pussy.  He went and got one of the vibrators and put it on my clit as Kayla licked below it and inside me.  It wasn’t long before I had another orgasm. 

Mike told Kayla to stop and to have a seat back where she first was sitting.  He gave me about a minute to catch my breath, and then told me to have a seat. 

As if nothing just happened, Mike calmly said, “So.  Let’s talk,” 

ACTUAL TALKING
We proceeded to discuss the weeks events, upcoming plans, how we were feeling about submission, our relationship, life in general.  How school and social life was going for Kayla, what our collective thoughts were on Matt, nudism, you name it.   Very nice discussion, but not as nice as what led up to it!

Neither Kayla nor I asked what that was about.  We knew what it was about.  It was about his Dominance and our submission. 

Sometimes reminders don’t have to be spankings!

Next: 250. The Nude Normal

145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview

My M/s immersion is coming soon.  Exact date TBD as still coordinating with my parents.  That didn’t sound right.  I am not, of course, coordinating our M/s immersion with them – just the dates they will have my son staying with them.  My sister and her husband are also staying with my parents, as are her kids.  She’ll be a great help with my son as my parents are getting up there in age and the needs of my son can require a lot of physical and emotional energy.

Mike has shared a few things he has planned for us but is keeping a lot of it under wraps.  He wants to keep a “shock and awe” aspect to having to do the unexpected.  Oh my!

This led to another spanking!  I am beginning to think my Thursday canings/mini-Maintenance Sessions are unnecessary.  Mike calls those sessions at his discretion but has called them every week, (including tonight! – ouch!) since we began them about four weeks ago.   The purpose is to provide me added focus and release.  I’ve shared before that when I’ve gone a long period of time without a spanking I’ve actually asked Mike to give me one, “just because.”  He thought having these extra sessions would help.  I agree that they do, but only when I’ve been punishment-free for a while.   Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case lately but Mike has still called for these extra sessions.  I may ask him about that during our formal Sunday sessions.  

The recent string of punishments have had more to do with my thinking than they do with specific actions.  That’s consistent with the evolution of my submission that I shared in Post 143.   There was the spanking I just shared in my prior post, and also the one in Post 142.  There have been a few others.  

It isn’t all spankings and punishment.  There is plenty of dialogue too.  We have both talked about what it means to us to have me surrender my thoughts to him.  It is a delicate balance.  Neither of us intend for me to lose who I am.  I have a brain and I will use it.  Our intent is for me to not only be more outwardly focused on Mike and his needs and desires, but also to be more internally focuses on him regarding my internal “monologue.”   That’s an extremely submissive state of mind.  

I feel I have achieved the level of submission that we both desire regarding various acts of service (sexual and otherwise).   Other than our Immersion fun, I don’t crave more acts of service, nor does Mike.  We are aligned and in balance on that, which is a great and fortunate thing to achieve and something I do not take for granted.

What I am now craving is to purge certain thoughts I have.  Okay, purge may be unrealistic — but at least lessen the frequency of certain thoughts.  Thoughts that lead to actions.  Actions which are at the core of the Duties and Obligations that I not only imposed on myself, but also those that are important to Mike.  

I don’t know how long it will take to get to the state of mind I am looking for, but I think I am moving along that path very quickly.  Maybe more than half way already?  I don’t know.  Much of it was simply an awareness.  Now that I am aware, I am more in tune and deliberate in my thinking.  While some “wrong” thoughts crop up, I typically squash them in nanoseconds.  Plus, I find they are cropping up less often.   The best way I could put it is that my default thinking is becoming submissive and focused on Mike.  Before, I would frequently have non-submissive thoughts that I had to think through and “defeat” in order to act submissive.  It’s like retraining my mind, such that submissiveness is a reflex and doesn’t require thought.  

THE SPANKING
My latest punishment was when I told Mike that I wasn’t planning on blogging about certain aspects of our immersion because my sisters might read it.  Mike spanked me because he said my thinking was a violation of my Self-Care clause in our Contract.  He used a pair of slippers, which is actually a first for us.  When he started I thought, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much” but I learned even slippers can pack a whollup if used hard enough and with enough strikes.  Yep, a very red bottom indeed!

While not an explicit violation, he said it clearly violated the spirit and intent of that clause.  He said, “You are being Rewarded because you were going to sacrifice something that gives you joy because of your desire to share certain things with your sisters.  I will not allow you to set a precedent and start censoring your blog because of concerns about what they think.  You said you weren’t concerned about them thinking anything negative, so either you were being dishonest with yourself and me, or your weren’t. Either way, you will share those things in your blog and you will be spanked.”    

In hindsight, I don’t regret  telling my sisters about TTWD, but perhaps I shouldn’t have told them about my blog!  Mike also reminded me what he said back when he agreed to allow me to “come out” to my sisters.  He was prophetic in that at that time he said there is no way to anticipate all the implications and once out, there was no un-telling them.

It is unnecessary for me to worry about what my sisters will think.  For one, I’ve shared a lot of things that would be major embarrassments for most people to share with their siblings.  In addition, my relationship with my sisters is unbreakable.   We already share so much with each other and there is no judgement, only love.  So with that, here are things Mike has shared with me and Kayla about some of the things he has planned for us.

IMMERSION PLANS
Full Body Flog
He said that there would be a day of extended flogging, spanking, and other punishments.  He said while there would be the requisite focus on our butt and breasts, he was going to also focus on things we typically don’t include — thighs, back, stomach, legs, palms, feet, and yes, the pussy.  

Jen’s “Special” Day 
One of the days I will basically be an “animal” for the day.  I must not speak, must only walk on all fours, eat out of bowls, etc.  He is allowing me to use a straw to drink from — it’s hard for humans to lap up liquids.  Our tongues just aren’t designed for that.  The more undignified part of it is not being able to use the bathroom.  He has designed a sort of large litter box for me to us.   Oh the joy.  . . NOT.   Kayla will assist in any necessary hygiene issues.

Kayla’s “Special” Day
For one of the days Kayla will basically be a “baby” for a day.  No speaking, must crawl to move around, must be fed by others, and she will be diapered and not allowed to use the bathroom.   An exploration of DDlg / ABDL.   Not to mention what I shared before about the pursuit of her “gang bang” fantasy.  I know that is a harsh word, but it is the word she actually uses, so, that’s how we refer to it. 

Other Stuff
He said we will not be allowed to wear a bra or panties when we go out.  He actually has a particular sun dress in mind for each of us to wear.  The fit is such that the ta-ta’s and the vajay-jay are well covered as long as we stay aware of the position of our bodies.  Lean too far one way or the other, or bend over, and, well, someone is in for a show. Going bra-less is less of an issue for Kayla, whose perky breasts do a good job of standing up on their own, but for my 3-kids later droopers, it is very obvious when I am not wearing a bra.  

Some of the less salacious ignominious activities are a “zero tolerance” on non-submissive behaviors.   He is already pretty strict on this but, as he puts it, he normally doesn’t go looking for reasons to punish us.  He will during the immersion.  

The examples he gave were things like making sure we immediately stop what we are doing when he is talking and make eye contact with him throughout.  Another is showing that we are enthusiastic about what he says and asks of us and that we are ensuring he is comfortable and doesn’t need anything (sexual or otherwise).  A new thing he added, which I find interesting, is that when we do speak to him he wants us to touch him.  Not sexually – it could just be touching his arm or back.  He said, “no talking to me unless you have physical contact with me in some way.”   He said the only exception is if we are restrained or have been told not to move.   This sounds like a fun challenge.  See, not everything involves a punishment or sex!

Those things are just SOME of what he has planned.  Last year was both physically and mentally challenging and it sounds like this year will be no different.  Who would have thunk it back when I first had this “idea” to pursue domestic discipline!  Oh the places we go! 

Our immersion will start in four to ten days.  Still working on the firm date.  Like last year, I might not be posting during it but at least I’ll have some fresh material to share when it’s done.        

NEXT: Post 146.  Slow Down!

 

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

82. Enjoying the Ride

Okay, time to talk about something other than Kayla for a bit. Here’s a bit of a succulent story to quiver your cravings.

So John left Sunday for a trip overseas. He’ll be in the Middle East doing some engineering stuff that engineers do. We made up our spare room for Donna. The room is off our master bedroom, not that Donna slept there Sunday night or last night, nor is she likely to any other night, hee-hee.

It was different to sleep three-to-a-bed (yes, at some point, we did get to sleep, tee-hee!). We couldn’t decide if Mike should be in the middle, or Donna, or me. I preferred me in the middle because I like to be the center of attention!  John set some rules for her for this week. Through the end of tomorrow she is only subject to ALL of my rules and NONE of hers. It was quite an adjustment for her. Following my rules wasn’t the hardest part – the biggest challenge was for her to remember NOT to follow her own rules. While Donna hasn’t enjoyed being outside her comfort zone, she has enjoyed the fact that it is what John required and thus, is just another twist in her submission.

A Twist!
After tomorrow she then has to switch to all her own “normal” rules, with Mike acting in John’s role. This means that there will be times where Mike has to go “help Donna move some furniture” or, “help Donna fix a leaking faucet” or whatever other excuse we can give our son for Mike needing to go over to Donna’s house with her.   The reason for this is that there are certain activities that John requires that will occur while our son is home, and thus the need to do them in the privacy of Donna’s house.   Suffice to say they involve a mix of pain and pleasure. I believe I shared before that John and Donna’s TTWD have a greater degree of BDSM and M/s compared to Mike and I.

Another Twist!
We are a bit alike in that Donna isn’t all that into submitting to someone other than her husband. What makes it enjoyable to her is that it is what John wants, so her submission to John is paramount and the only reason she is submitting to Mike. The added twist is that starting Thursday when she returns to her normal rules, she has to submit to both Mike and to me! I am accountable for administering any punishment if she has an infraction and Mike is not around, PLUS, I specifically have to administer her maintenance. In addition, she must call me “Ma’am! Donna did not express any concerns with this.

She said she is very focused on being in her “submissive” mindset and wanting to please John while he is away. She said that focusing on remembering my rules through tomorrow, and on what happens starting Thursday, is her way of honoring John while he is absent. She said her submission is a way of feeling that he is still present, and that warms her heart.   She is very dedicated and I admire that in her.

As for me, I guess I am looking at it more from the perspective of her friend, not from the perspective of me being submissive. While I know what I am doing is also part of my submission, it just doesn’t have that same feel to me as I am feeling for Donna. I don’t look at what I have to do as that big of deal compared to her.   It will be odd to hear her say “Yes, Ma’am,” “No, Ma’am” and such, and it will be odd to spank her. The mental adjustment on my part seems slight compared to hers.

That’s not to say I look upon this with trepidation. I am looking forward to it in a positive way. I think it will be interesting to learn how I really feel when it actually occurs and believe I will learn something about myself that I don’t know today. As for Donna, I can tell it brings her happiness because it honors John, but perhaps that is just keeping her from really thinking about it. I am curious what she will have to say when it is over.

Final Twist?
The rules are then up in the air starting Sunday. John and Donna will discuss it, as will Mike and I and John and Mike. Then, we’ll see what clever things the boys come up with! John isn’t back until November 19, so they have a long time to come up with creative ways to “torment” us.  I can’t wait to see what they come up with.

Wow.  Kayla, and now this. To think that just a few posts ago in 71. Good Girl, I was opining the routine in my Domestic Discipline!   I am enjoying this fun and wild ride!

It makes me wonder – I am putting out a vibe that attracts this adventure, or am I just lucky to stumble into these adventures?   I’ll save that pondering for some future esoteric ramble. Until then, I’ll just continue to enjoy the ride!

Next: 83. Over/Under. A Spanking Game.