275. Active Submission vs. Passive Submission

So this writing funk I mentioned two posts back. . . yeah, it started about mid-July and for about a month I couldn’t quite place what it was.  I just didn’t feel an energy to get on my computer for any reason.  It wasn’t just my blog and my “private” me (the one that blogs and corresponds with a handful of “email buddies” met via this blog).  But even the “public” me – the one with Facebook, surfing YouTube, and chatting with IRL friends, as well the one who surfs various news, Twitter, etc.   I had this need to just stay away from it all.   Part of it was PTSD – President Trump Stress Disorder, but that was only a part of it.  

ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET 
My submissive mindset has always been very “active.”  Three-plus years of actively pursuing the “right” level of submission.  Actively looking for validation – little mental markers or milestones as evidence that I was on the right path.  Activity looking for feedback from Mike to make sure we stayed calibrated in understanding each other’s needs.   Actively needing to reconcile the “threat” submission has to my upbringing and society norms.   

It also included actively guiding Kayla on her journey.  I worry about her and want to make sure she is being fulfilled, both in her relationship with me and with Mike, as well as feeling good about herself.   

All this “active” efforts kept me focused on my submissive journey, a journey that has been fulfilling beyond all expectations.  And these efforts compelled me to want to share my journey and  project my joy on to others via my writing.

PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Well, lately I’ve felt more of a passive mindset.  As I stated in that prior post, I feel we have found the right level of domestic discipline, or D/s dynamic that works best for us.  I no longer have a need for validation every step of the way, for I am here, no more steps, and my validation is that I am happier and more secure as a wife, mom, and person than I have ever been. 

Additionally, Mike and I have basically “institutionalized” our calibration process.  That is, we don’t have to think about it.  It just happens.  The Maintenance Sessions and continued open and honest communication is a reflex that doesn’t require effort.  It just happens!    

I don’t feel submission is a threat to my upbringing or social norms.  Better yet, I don’t feel my submission threatens my upbringing.  I was taught to pursue my passion and love life, every moment, every day.  While I am sure my mom didn’t think my passion would include submission, the great thing about how I was raised is that I was left to define my own passion.  Further, being open to my friends and family about my submission and not being rejected for it has further reconciled any “threats” I once felt  ( far from rejected, it has led to others opening up about their own “kinks” or “unique” relationship dynamics).   

Lastly, Kayla has grown tremendously.  The once awkward and sullen wallflower now exudes a confident, shining personality and inner beauty.  She had just turned 22 when she moved in with us, and will be 24 in a few months.  A great age for a lot of personal growth and maturity, with or without my influences.  I don’t see her as that little girl in need of protection.  I see her as a young woman who can hold her own and who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get it.

The result is my submissive mindset is now a bit more passive.  Don’t mistake that for docile or disinterested.  It connotes a level of acceptance that is void of resistance or effort.   It just is!

WHAT PASSIVE SUBMISSION IS LIKE
I still can’t fully describe it, but perhaps I can describe what it isn’t.   There isn’t this yearning, this ache for something that seems just beyond my grasps.   It is comfortable, it is automatic, it is a reflex.  And yes, it is still just as fulfilling as the “active” submission.

I was already feeling it a few weeks prior to Immersion.  It struck me during a spanking (hee hee, a little spanking humor).   Simply, I wasn’t feeling like a spanking.  I mean, it isn’t like I typically look forward to one, but, they always have the effect of feeding my submissive mindset.  In this case, I wasn’t feeling like it served that purpose.   It was simply a consequence of my actions, and not a part of making me feel submissive.  

That sounds subtle, but that was huge for me.    I still can’t quite articulate what the difference is.  I can only repeat it in various forms —  I fully accepted the spanking as a consequence of my actions, not as a result of my submission.   I was being punished because I earned the punishment, not because I was submissive.  That all just feels soooo different to me.  I felt equally fulfilled, but just different.  Again, I can’t explain it (which means my next post will probably be an attempt to do so!)  

THE EPIPHANY CANING 
We had just dropped J off at my parents and returned home.  It was Maintenance Sunday and our plan was to have a normal evening and start our Immersion in the morning.   Mike gave a Maintenance spanking using the cane. 

He struck me about six or seven times, a couple more than normal for a Maintenance, and a bit harder than usual.  Then he said he wasn’t satisfied with the results and he repeated the six or seven strikes, a bit harder than the first set.   I had to grit my teeth and squirmed a bit as they were starting to really hurt.  He inspected my ass and again said “not good enough, one more set.”  And he repeated the strikes, even a bit harder than the previous set.   

By this point it was really hurting and my increased whimpering turned into tears. I didn’t know why he was giving such an aggressive Maintenance.  Then he said he still wasn’t satisfied and there needed to be a few more really hard ones.  My thought, which I kept to myself was, “like those last ones weren’t hard enough?”   I got three more and really started to cry.   He then said that was enough.

I don’t know what came over me, but, I asked him if he would repeat the Maintenance.  Not just the last strokes, but all of them.  That meant another 20-25.  I’ve never had so many with the cane.   Mike asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I told him, “Not now, can you just do it?”

Mike complied.  I ended up a crying, sobbing mess.  I hadn’t cried that hard in a very long time.  It was a pretty monumental cry.   And my butt looked as you would expect.  Very striped and very red and soon purple. 

What was that about??   Next post.

Next:  276.  My submission becomes His Dominance

148. Dom/sub Therapy Session

My last post talked about my little spiral towards a self-pity party.  The trigger for this self-absorbed unhappiness was the challenges I was having in maintaining a submissive mindset.   Those frustrations with myself leached into frustrations towards others (such as Mike and Kayla).   This led me to my discussion with Mike that I shared in that last post.  

Before I get into how that discussion went, I want to give kudos to my man!  Mike is such a great listener and the perfect Dom for this submissive!  Kisses!!

THE DISCUSSION
After venting, I said I think I should give up trying to shape my thoughts to be more submissive.  I felt I just am not cut out to think that way and it is too hard to undo a lifetime of reinforced behaviors that were far from submissive.  I’ve conquered being submissive in my actions, and it has brought me great joy, but I can’t seem to keep my default thinking, my reflexes, from being non-submissive.  I told him I wanted to scrap the “think submissively” goal I had.   

HOW CAN I HELP?
After sharing my frustrations, Mike asked, “Is that it, or is there some way I can help you?”  

My answer?  I wasn’t sure.  Just like the “nail” video I linked to in my prior post, I think I just wanted to be heard and vent.  And it seemed simple that just reverting back to our “normal” D/s routine would fix it.    

Mike agreed it was good for me to vent.  But, he said that abandoning this “submissive thinking thing” could be a missed opportunity to get at the root of my challenge.  This could mean the issue is still there, unresolved, and can fester.  I admitted it was impacting how I treated others.  As he put it, I owed it to everyone, including myself, to find resolution.  He asked me if simply venting and abandoning this goal was enough to resolve whatever I was feeling.  

I admitted that it would not.  It sure would “take the nail out,” but, it wouldn’t identify why I struggled with it in.  

I WONDER IF?
I told Mike I’ve done the soul-searching and can’t identify why I am feeling and reacting the way that I am.  Mike said, “Do you think giving up is better than continuing the search?”   No, I do not.  

Mike then said, “I wonder if your frustration is really about your doubts of whether or not you really want to go “deeper” with your submission.  It might be, but let’s assume for a moment it isn’t that.  Let’s assume just the opposite.  That it is what you really want.  Then why the frustration?”

I said, “Because it is harder than I thought it would be.”

He replied, “So, I wonder if it were easy, you would want it, but because it is hard, you don’t?”

I had to admit that yes, I wanted it if it were easy.  Yes, I still wanted to think more submissively.  His response was, “Then why stop?”

I then went back in to the litany of things I listed on my prior post.  It would be easier if this, easier if that, etc., etc.  If those things didn’t exist, it would be easier, but because those things exist, it will never be easy, so why keep being frustrated?  I especially pointed out the things with our son.  His needs have been especially high, although they did just recently settle into routine again.  

Mike pointed out that the needs of our son are often a trigger for me.  A trigger into frustration over other aspects of life.  I know where he was going as we have had this conversation before.  I figured it out myself long ago.  When J’s needs increase, my stress increases.  As my stress increases, I vent it by being more controlling and demanding of others.  I then see others as obstacles to my happiness, and passive-aggressive tendencies emerge, jealousy emerges, and basically, the pity party is in full swing.

I told him that I get all that.  Been there, done that, too many times in my life.  I told him that because my attempts at “thinking submissively” were not going well, yes, it caused this spiral.  But I just want off the spiral – Now – and not incrementally over time as I improve towards my desired thinking.  I told him perhaps we just revisit this in a few months.

What Truly Matters?
Mike then said, “You have said many times that what truly matters to you is to be submissive to me.  You’ve said that your greatest enjoyment and pleasure has come from when I do things off script (the things not explicitly stated in our Contract).   You admitted just now that you want to think more submissively and your only reason for abandoning this is that it is ‘too hard.’  So here is what we are going to do.”  

He continued, “You are to no longer punish Kayla.  It is understandable that having to be part-Dom at times would make it hard to stay in a submissive mindset.”   

“Secondly,” he added, “our mini-Maintenance Thursdays will change.  You will journal all your non-submissive thoughts and we will review and discuss them on Thursdays.  The Thursday maintenance will always be the same.  5 with the prison strap, 5 with the cane, hard intensity, followed by 30 minutes sitting in the corner for reflection.  There will not be any other punishments for ‘not thinking submissively.’  We will continue these mini-sessions until I am satisfied you have reached your goal.

“Lastly, there will be no further discussion about this for a month.  You can bring it up at a Maintenance Session in a month if you have questions or concerns.  Oh, and one more thing, we will end today’s session with 10 hard from the strap and 10 hard with the cane.”  

That’s a hard ending to a Maintenance Session as most sessions have low to moderate spankings.  I didn’t question why he did that, nor do I care.  He was right, my greatest enjoyment and pleasure comes from him being Dominant in his own way, separate from anything we specifically outlined in our Contract.  

Retrospect
I am only one day removed from this, so don’t have the benefit of much thinking about this.  Part of me absolutely loved Mike’s actions, but part of me still wonders if this “submissive thinking” is a worthwhile goal.  Knowing that basically there is no punishments involved, other than what is scheduled for Thursdays, helps relieve a little bit of the pressure I feel.  — That statement may be easy to misconstrue.  The pain of a spanking doesn’t create pressure for me to perform.  Actually, the pain is very much a release, sort of absolution, for me.  It is about what the spanking represents… failure…and not about the pain… that serves as a deterrent. 

This experience highlights for me that my pre-DD ways are not far from the surface.  I can quickly devolve into my control-freak ways if I allow it.  Well, let me correct myself.  Now I can say, “if Mike allows it.”   Which apparently he won’t, as my bruised butt attests!    

NEXT:  149. Kayla Rises.  A Submissives Manifesto

133. Intense Punishment

Laying in bed the other day, sore nipples and butt, with a lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had the “WAID” thought.  The thought of “What Am I Doing?”   I’ve had this thought a few times.   I believe occasional doubt is healthy.  Doubt is simply a lack of knowledge.   Often this is momentary, and the knowledge can be found in a short conversation with yourself.  Other times it may take a bit more than a moment of reflection, but for me, any doubts about DD have always been self affirming regarding my choice to live this lifestyle.   My doubts have always led to a deeper appreciation for what DD has done for me and my family.   WAID never lasts more than a few minutes, and it was no different this time.

The punishments I was reflecting on were from that day and the day before.  Part of my “Rewards” for what my actions that I shared in the prior post.

I’ve shared a couple of the more severe punishments I’ve received, and there haven’t been many.  Although I didn’t use my safe word, this punishment topped any I had before, even the one I shared in 24. Intense Spanking , although I didn’t er had to use a safe word this time.  As our son J is home, the punishments were done throughout the day while he was at school or in the evening after he was asleep.

As I think about it, this one wasn’t the worst in terms of pain.  It was the worst in terms of overall discomfort.  In some ways, lingering discomfort or anticipation of what is to come is worst than a moment of acute pain.

I am not that good at sharing punishment stories.  It isn’t my “thing.”  I’d much rather be waxing philosophical about events in my life than sharing the specific details.   (you can find my favorite “waxing philosophical” posts in my Shortcuts).   Mike says it is because just stating what happens in my life is a very vulnerable thing to do, as it leaves more to interpretation of the reader, and those interpretations may be unfavorable.  A very interesting comment that I want to explore further, but I’ll wait to ponder that one for another post.  So with that ,here’s the punishment I received.

Mike started me off with a mouth soaping, figuring it was appropriate for me opening my mouth and sharing what I shared with my friends.  For a soaping, I open my mouth and stick out my tongue.  Mike rubs an already wet and lathered bar of soap all over my tongue.  I then open wide and he rubs it all around the roof of my mouth, cheeks, and scrapes it across my teeth.  He then has me bite down on the bar to hold it in place in my mouth.

He then used a lot of our new implements from our recent Joy Box additions.   With soap in my mouth, he used our new cupping system on my breasts.  He applied some oil to my breasts, attached some small nipple clamps to my nipples, then applied the cups.  They provide a lot of suction on the breasts.  In the short run you don’t really feel much, but it gets increasingly uncomfortable overtime.  More blood rushes to the breast and they get a pinkish-purple like hue.  He then had me stand in the corner with my hands clasped behind my head.  I was then spanked as I stood there, first by hand, then with various paddles and straps.  Mike inserted a butt plug in me and left me in the corner for an hour.  By far the worst part was holding the soap in my mouth and standing in one place.  By the end of the hour I was a drooling mess and my jaw was sore.

He then walked me to the shower and using the hand nozzle he sprayed me down with cold water to clear the suds and drool from my face, chest, stomach, and legs.   He pulled the cups off my breasts and replaced the small nipple clamps with another pair that are far more intense and he adjusted them to be extremely tight.  He had me lay down on my stomach on the bathroom floor and got out the new cleansing system he ordered.  This was my first enema.

I anticipated it would be uncomfortable, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of the pressure and cramping.  Mike made me hold it in for five minutes, but it felt like much more.  He spanked me a few more times and then allowed me to get on the pot and get it out.   After I was done, he repeated the enema and spanking.  Then he did a third enema and had me hold it in for even longer before expelling.  He then finally removed the nipple clamps, but the respite for my nipples was short.

Mike got our nipple suckers, applied them to my nipples and pumped, and pumped some more.  He pumped more than I thought they could even be pumped.  I’ve never seen my nipples get so big.  He returned to me to the corner where I stood again with hands clasped behind my head.  Mike told me I was not to leave the corner for any reason else more punishment.  Well, I soon learned that the effects of an enema can last awhile and it wasn’t long before I just had to use the toilet.  I was clenching and holding as long as I could, and just about the time I was ready to give in and leave the corner (I wasn’t about to make a mess of things. I’ll take the added punishment), Mike entered the room.   I didn’t say anything as I am not to speak unless spoken to, but luckily Mike asked me how I was doing.  I told him I needed to go and thankfully he let me.

When I was done he removed the suckers and ran the pinwheel hard over my very large nipples for what seemed like a long time, but probably wasn’t. He then went back to the put the cups and applied them to my breasts.   Mike decided to break in another new toy, the anal beads.  I’ve never used anal beads before.  It is one of those progressive sets, and he put all but the last one inside me.  Thankfully even the largest one isn’t crazy big.  Big enough for sure and I was glad he didn’t insert that one, but this set of beads is what I would call an intermediate set.  Whatever you call it, it still call it uncomfortable to have them in for an extended time.  He then had me stand in the corner again and he left, returning in about 45 minutes.

He removed the cups and again added the suckers.  He ordered me on all fours and he played awhile with the beads, pulling them out, inserting them, pulling out, inserting. He took my hand and helped me to my feet and walked me over to a chair.  He sat down, put me over his knee, and spanked me by hand for what seemed like forever – had to be over 100 of various intensities.

He then did another enema and this time when he took the tube out, I was surprised as I immediately felt a butt plug being inserted.  Mike grabbed the bar of soap and administered another mouth soaping.  I was then walked over to the shower.  He told me to stand in the shower with my hands clasped behind my head, bar of soap in my mouth, with a rectum full of warm water.  Mike told me not to leave the tub and he would be back “at some point.”   He came in a few times to check on me and each time he didn’t say a word and then left.  At some point I just couldn’t hold it any longer.  I pushed the plug and water out.  At least after several enemas it was basically just water.

Once I expelled the water, my mind became more aware of my painful nipples. They were burning.   I was so uncomfortable that I started to cry.   Not from any specific pain, but just because I felt miserable, both emotionally and physically.   Expelled water from my ass, terrible soap in my mouth and soapy drool all down my body, nipples on fire, a sore bottom from the spankings, a bit crampy from the enemas, and a sore sphincter from all the clenching.

Mike returned and said, “I’ll be right back.”  He left and returned very shortly with Kayla.  He told Kayla to remove the suckers, clean me up, and dry me off.   He watched as she showered and then dried me off.  “Almost done,” he said.

With Kayla there, he had me state what I did to earn this “reward.”  He then gave a lecture.  He does this sometimes, usually near the end of a punishment.  It’s his way of recapping the events that brought on the punishment, making sure they remained top of mind.  He then told Kayla to get the prison strap and the cane.  He walked me over to the bed and  had me lay down on my stomach.   He then took the strap from Kayla and struck me, then handed it back to Kayla and took the cane and struck me, and then alternated back and forth for I think just five strikes with each item.  It wasn’t many, but they were very hard and were more than enough.  I cried, which again is uncommon for me, but it happens.

We then had our “closing ceremony” complete with aftercare, with one caveat.  Mike said we would repeat our entire morning again tomorrow PLUS that night and the next I would spend thirty minutes in the corner with the clamps on, followed by a spanking before bedtime.  Only then would the punishment be fully over.  As bad as the punishment itself was, the anticipation of knowing it would be repeated was just as bad.  Anticipation of a punishment, especially one this long and intense, is a punishment itself.

And when it was all finally over, it was truly over.  What I did was fully behind us, like always.  No lingering resentments.  All is forgiven.  Oh, and Mike added, “You know, if you just would have asked me beforehand, I am pretty sure I would have been fine with you telling your friends whatever you felt comfortable sharing with them.”

NEXT:  Post 134. Vulnerable to my readers / 1yr blogiversary