93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

needshierarchy

MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.

11 thoughts on “93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.”

  1. Might I suggest not crying alone. If she feels that urge one/both of you should be present. It should be driven home to her that this emotion is not wrong or bad, you have interest in all of her and that she is not expected to be alone. Your presence and influence brings light into that place.

    Get the heck away from the alcohol. Too many reasons to list. Good start would be to only consume in your presence with permission. Show and guide consumption positively and in moderation.

    Sorry, I’ll put my high horse away now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the idea of having a rule for her about not crying alone. Having one or both of us present can help on so many ways. This is a perfect rule for her to have. She wanted more specific suggestions about rules and she will get this one. Thank you!

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  2. I think whatever y’all decide, Kayla needs a good strong box around her that allows her to purge all the negative influences in her life. I agree w/ C about the crying bit. Kayla seems to be used to holding everything in until it explodes. I get the strong impression that she wants to be torn down and rebuilt as a better person. The fact that she has been in your lives for so long will help but also contains a huge trap if not handled correctly. Self-loathing can be extremely destructive if not safely detonated, thus the comment about the box.

    I’d like to say personally to Kayla that she should seriously consider a blog, even if she keeps it private for now. Writing helps with putting everything in perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I rarely comment on posts, but I really feel compelled to here. I really identify with Kayla as I needed help with the same things you express minus the drinking. I hope sharing my experience might help you, help Kayla.
    I too felt disengaged from emotion and like I basically had to fake empathy. I put up a very thick wall because I am truly empathetic and compassionate to the point that it is easy for me to get hurt. So I put up a great big wall to not allow myself to really open up or truly feel. Here is what changed it for me, and changed my life to where I feel true happiness ( not to say I don’t have bad days).
    I became safe in my submission. By having the safety of my master and knowing that he will never cross my hard limits, I know deep down that I can be open and honest with him because the worst he will ever do to me is punish me and then he will help me be better. I also know that I can be safe to be more open because he will not let me get too over the edge with helping people to the point they take advantage of me to get hurt. He also lets me know all the time that it’s ok to get my feelings hurt or love deep because you have to accept those things that hurt to get the good stuff and truly feel love. Above all- he taught me to love me. Once I love me, I can really love and be loved.
    I don’t know why I am opening up so much right now with this, but I think Kayla might need safety, love, reassurance, and strict rules. I find safety in my rules even if I don’t like or agree with some of them, I know what he expects.
    Big hugs to you all, I hope things go great. I am really cheering for your success as a family.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing. Kayla actually expressed wanting a lot of strict rules about everyday things, so you may be on to something about seeking safety in the rules. I am touched that her story compelled you to share some of your story. I’ll make sure Kayla reads your comment. Thanks again

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    2. I also want to thank you for helping put my mind at ease. I wasn’t sure if submission could help her with some of her issues. While obviously there are no guarantees, it is comforting to know that it helped someone with some of the same issues that Kayla has. Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. “She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission”. I think if Kayla did not crave submission she would not be seeking to move in with the two of you. She needs this at least at this time in her life and she knows it.
    How will she take her first spanking? Hard to say for sure. I know Jen, you think your spankings are not all that severe but to a dabbler in DD, D/s like myself some sound intimidating. However if delivered with the love you both seem to have for her I think she will accept them in the spirit they are given. Plus if she needs to learn to cry only with you or Mike around and not cry alone a spanking will certainly provide her with that opportunity.

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  5. This will be merely an extension of some of the other comments but I feel compiled to put in my 2 cents.
    I’m in my mid 20’s and have only been in the lifestyle a year, my Dom is around Mike’s age and is in a long term relationship. Like Kayla I too was outwardly empathetic but it didn’t feel pure. Growing up I had to parent my parents at a young age and grew accustomed to being the back bone in no only their lives but everyone else’s. It makes it hard to let others in and to express yourself in a healthy manor. Until I fully grew as a submissive I would too lock myself somewhere and let it all out. Sir recognized this and worked diligently to help me find my voice, he knew when I was acting and would question me and make me talk myself through my emotions to a point I would release. I feel SO much better now that I’m able to healthily deal with stress and other things. I’ve stop compartmentalizing my emotions and haven’t been happier.

    I hope this helps!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, it does help. Thank you for sharing. All the insights you shared are encouraging for me and for Kayla. I had doubts about whether this lifestyle would help her. With your story and others who have shared, those doubts are dissipating. Your story is encouraging. Thanks again!

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      1. You are very welcome! I hope she does decide to blog it out, I love looking back at when I first started this journey and seeing how I’ve grown–I’d also like to read the POV of someone in a similar situation as my own.

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