Tag Archives: undress

94. Kayla’s Contract. Defining her submission.

dsk
Kayla is working on a D/s contract. We felt she should write her own. She likes the framework of mine and it will have a lot of similarities, but will be modified to her needs and desires. Of course, we all know a contract is not binding, but it is the best tool to demonstrate commitment, and the second best tool for communicating and maintaining expectations. The best tool for that is, of course, old fashion talking!

EXPRESSING
No, this isn’t about some Hucow fetish, not that there is anything wrong with that.  This is about expressing feelings.  Sharing her feelings is going to be critical. I can tell it will be hard for her to truly identify what she is feeling. It may take some intense questioning/pushing in order to get her to identify the “true” feelings.  One way we will support this is that she is encouraged to ask me lots of questions, even to politely express her disagreement with anything, including me. With Mike, her questioning of his decisions, requests, or statements are reserved for Maintenance Sessions, just like for me – however, instead of weekly, her sessions will more frequent.

We all agreed that Kayla does enough suppressing of her emotions that we felt having to wait for a once a week session would be counterproductive. Kayla suggested “Immediate Maintenance” session that either she or Mike could call. Sort of like, “I need to express myself now, but want to respect the moment and not simply blurt out in anger.” Having a formal maintenance session, even an impromptu one, provides the best atmosphere for sharing. These “Immediate” sessions would have much of the pomp and circumstances of a weekly meeting, including a spanking. In addition, she would still be a normal weekly Maintenance Session. We might call these Immediate Sessions something else – still working on the details of that.

One other way we are supporting this is that at any time she may be questioned on what she is feeling in that moment.  She needs to quickly articulate it and possibly be pressed further to confirm or change her answer.  This could be very frustrating for her as she is used to answering, “Fine” to most questions about her feelings.

TERM
We talked about making the initial term of the contract 90 days. I feel setting a term is more about making a commitment to yourself.  From my personal experience it helped me not give up too quickly early on if I had a bad day or two.  Understanding that there is this end point helps give you strength to see the tough days through.  Of course, nothing keeps any of us from us walking away at any time, but writing it down in a contract makes you more committed.   I know I learned a lot after my first three months and being able to “renegotiate” was helpful in keeping my DD on track until Mike and I better settled into a routine.

KAYLA’S SUBMISSION TO ME
Surprise! She does what to be submissive to me. We talked about various concerns with that. I believe there is a chance she can feel overwhelmed submitting to both of us.  And it could be hard on us.  It is difficult enough for Mike to learn how to best be her Dom, and now I am put in that position as well?   Consistency? Duplication?  Lots of concerns there.

We ultimately agreed that she will always respond to me with a “Yes Ma’am” or a “No Ma’am,” but my punishing her would be limited. We agreed that I would be responsible for Immediate Rewards if Mike was not around.  Mike will address any transgressions that doesn’t require an immediate action. Also, as previously stated, she is able to question me more (still respectfully).

While this works for Kayla, I am a bit concerned that this can get me out of my submissive head space. I am not sure if it will, but I recognize the risk is there. We will just have to see. I am willing to give it a try and frankly, the thought of being a bit Dom intrigues me.

KAYLA’S DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS
Kayla also wants similar “Duties and Obligations” regarding honesty, obedience, self-care, and safety. The M/s community often refers to the 4 D’s of Dishonesty, Disobedience, Danger, and Disrespect. I wanted to flip them to their positives of Honesty, Obedience, etc. It just sounds more positive! She wants to word her a bit differently, as she does have different obligations regarding school, etc., but she is keeping the same headings. Sounds good!

She is putting in a lot more rules than I have. For instance, keeping her room clean is good enough for us, but she wanted lots of specifics as to what it means. She said she gets a thrill thinking about having to focus on little details. She feels that focusing on and accomplishing her duties and obligations is a huge thrill, so having more of them will give her a bigger thrill. Of course, it also means more opportunities to be punished, but she said she is okay with that.

She says doesn’t have false expectations of never failing.   I wasn’t so sure at first. I don’t want her to take on too much. There have been days, especially early on in this lifestyle, that I felt a bit defeated. I know there will be days like that for her. I want her to be prepared and be equipped to shake those days off.   We spent a lot of time discussing this and ultimately I think she is going in with the right expectations.

We talked about the Sexual Obedience part of my contract. You would think that this shy, self-conscious young woman would wilt under the discussion of sex, but other than needing a bit of extra prying and encouragement, she is comfortable talking about it. Partly because we’ve talked about sexual things before, but not in this detail or context.   Ultimately, while Mike has full discretion in requesting any sexual act to be performed on or by me, Kayla wanted some limits. As it pertains to Mike and I being the ones performing “on or by her,” she was fine with full discretion for Mike. Otherwise, Mike can ask if she wants to partake (or be partaken – is that a word?), and she is free to decline.  I am happy she put some limits on this. I would be worried if she was just accepting everything. It tells me she is giving it some thought.

PUNISHMENTS
She plans to have similar “rewards” such as Immediate, Deferred, and Escalated.   She did have one request that I feel also shows she was giving this a lot of thought. She wants any spankings during maintenance sessions to only be by hand. I think she recognizes that hand spankings are a bit more intimate and the thought of that makes her feel good.

We talked about getting some new implements (as well as toys), sort of “hers, hers, and ours” where some could be used on/by both of us, and others were just for one of us.   Not quite an XXX-mas in July, in fact, more like a Merry XXXmas! There is some fun shopping ahead. We spent some time perusing some sex toys online. This was another great bonding experience with all of us sharing what did and did not look appealing to us. Suffice to say, our tastes were not that different, except she definitely likes the idea of handcuffs, ropes, and restraints way more than I do.

RECAP
Later in the day when we were recounting the events of when Mike asked her to undress, Kayla shared that while she was a bit shocked, she also got this “good” nervousness in her belly and nether-regions. She said she really looks forward to being submissive. She is excited about getting spanked but also worried about just how much it might hurt. She expressed concern about “not being able to take it.” We both reassured her that she should never hesitate with a safe word and she does not let anyone down if she needs to cut a punishment short. She even asked a couple of times that day if Mike was going to spank her as she would forget to call him Sir. Mike finally had to sternly tell her that there would be no spankings today. Her nakedness and inspection was enough submission for now. Mike is really letting the tension of thinking about a spanking build up inside her. I thought not spanking her that day was a bit unfair given how Kayla is. I think she would have benefited from a firm spanking right there, even for no particular reason. But I also know it will make her first spanking all the more memorable.

Until then!

Next: 95.  Much ado about. . . spanking

93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

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MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.