Drama alert! I know I often paint a picture that we have achieved some nirvana in my household. Poly-bliss, D/s perfection! Of course not! As I recently wrote, we are human and thus subject to normal human frailty.
We’ve hit a little bump involving Kayla and her boyfriend, Michaud. I wrote before that Kayla asked us to allow Mike in our “circle of trust.” (our nickname for those with whom we engage with sexually, currently consisting of the three of us, John, Donna, and most recently, Matt). I won’t rehash our concerns (you can read the post), but Mike told Kayla no; but left it open for the future if we could get to know him better.
In the last month we have been able to get to better know Michaud. He is nice – good boyfriend material for Kayla. But that is different from “circle of trust” material. He just doesn’t seem comfortable with it all – which is totally understandable.
The frustrating part to me was that he would say he was “good with it” but I just didn’t feel it, nor did Mike. It feels like Michaud is going through the motions, trying to say the “right” things, but really isn’t happy. Not just unhappy with thoughts of our “circle,” but unhappy with his relationship with Kayla.
I can be very direct and would ask him very blunt questions, but frankly, Mike asked him way tougher questions than I did. But Kayla got annoyed at me for “intimidating” Michaud. That’s never my intent, but if honest intimidates (and it does!), then I am guilty.
I believe it serves no useful purpose to minimize what it is we are considering here. It is serious stuff, at least to Mike and I. If it is going to sour, then it needs to be now, not later. There is no benefit of putting lipstick on the pig and calling it something it isn’t. He needs to be honest with us and with himself.
Before Kayla brought any of this up to Michaud, we warned her of what might happen if we “rejected” him. And it isn’t like we are rejecting him – we are still evaluating him. Kayla finds it easier to blame me that his “evaluation” isn’t going well.
THE METAMOUR – POLY PLOT THICKENS
Adding to this is that Michaud has started dating another girl – with Kayla’s full knowledge and consent (and initial encouragement). Thus the growing complexity of metamours!
We will call her “X.”
X is aware of Kayla and they have met several times. Kayla’s take on X is that she is intrigued because it is “trendy” to date someone who is dating someone else. But she feels X doesn’t have the right heart or mindset for poly.
X is putting a lot of pressure on Michaud to spend more time with her and less with Kayla. And Kayla feels X is trying to get Michaud to dump her. Of course, Michaud says that isn’t true, thus Kayla feels like he is calling her paranoid. Adding to that, Kayla then feels Michaud is purposely ignoring X’s subterfuge, making her angry at Michaud.
The appearance of X makes the timing of Kayla’s request suspect. I accept Kayla’s word that these aren’t connected, but I also know sometimes our motivations aren’t always apparently to ourselves. Would she be asking for his inclusion had he not found a second girlfriend? X has made it clear she isn’t quite comfortable with this poly-thing, so having Michaud in our circle clearly has implications for his relationship with X. It’s just all to potentially messing — that is not the right foundation for admittance into our circle? Nope! No way!
Then, Kayla has said Michaud is getting more annoyed with her whenever she has other obligations, especially with us/Mike. Michaud got very annoyed with her when Kayla shared the nude resort plans with him. His reaction made her feel badly such that she asked Mike if she could invite him and they would get their own room. Mike agreed, thinking perhaps it would be a good step towards us getting more comfortable with him.
Ultimately it made things worse. Michaud said no. He was not only upset that Kayla didn’t invite him to start with, but that she had to get Mike’s permission to do so. And there it was. It is becoming clear that Kayla’s relationship with Mike is wearing on Michaud.
There’s more examples of this – but simply, currently Michaud can not be in our “circle,” but more so, maybe he isn’t prepared to continue his relationship with Kayla.
Neither Kayla nor Michaud are ready to admit that things are untenable. It frustrates me a bit because to me it is very clear and they are just being dishonest with themselves. Deep down they both see it, they just aren’t ready to admit it yet. So instead of moving on, they are becoming increasingly passive aggressive with each other.
Of course, Kayla doesn’t want to hear it from me. It is easier for her to just blame me for the strain with Michaud. I don’t like it, but that’s okay. She knows she can feel safe in blaming me as it won’t change my love for her. She will realize it soon enough and end things with Michaud (if he doesn’t end it first). And she might blame me for a bit, but I believe she will soon see I had nothing to do with it.
Adding to her feelings of acrimony towards me is that Mike actually spanked her for how she was treating me. She got very disrespectful in one of our conversations. Of course, she blamed me for that too. I recognize it is easier for Kayla to blame me than it is for her to blame herself, Michaud, or Mike. I am the safe one to blame. I’ll accept that for now.
My preference would be for them to realize that they give each other a lot of joy and fulfillment and thus cherish their moments together and look for more opportunities to express their love for each other. BUT — only if that is actually how they feel. Frankly, I don’t think it is and they just won’t admit it yet. But their realization of it is coming soon!
Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! 
I too am very intrigued by your lifestyle and the ramifications of someone as young as Kayla living it with you. Yes, she is an adult and capable of choosing for herself. However, as she continues to experiment with other boyfriends or girlfriends and have relationships with others, it seems to me there will be great confusion and discord. She knows she is with you two and currently submissive to Mike, so doesn’t that put a big crimp in any “exploring” she does? How fair is it to her to even begin to date someone and then have that person be obligated to “pass inspection” as it were, by you and more importantly, Mike? I guess what I’m wondering is, how can she actually date someone else not in the lifestyle and still be with you two…? It doesn’t seem possible nor logical, but then I’m not part of your household. It does seem fair for her to want to blame someone for things not working out with Michaud, maybe even herself. I also wonder if in time, she might want to put some distance in your threesome (such as maybe getting her own place or sharing with someone) so she can further explore her adulthood and options.
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Many of the things you wonder, I wonder as well and have wondered that since she first moved in with us. The three of us have even talked about her longer term plans.
She holds all the cards regarding her relationships so I don’t see that there is any issue about fairness. She is free to distance or not distance herself from us. There is no “passing inspection” with us unless she desires to bring that person into a relationship with us. When that happens, as in any plural relationship situation, the only fair thing to everyone is that everyone must be agreement. At this point there is no confusion or discord. If her desires become counter to ours – as in any relationship, when that happens, one must reassess their priorities and decide what is best for them. We totally understand at some point that may mean she goes her own way. Thus far, she has been confident in her choices and in knowing what she wants. Her current situation has her reassessing some things, but I wouldn’t portray that reassessment as confusion or discord — just normal growth that comes from trying to understand what is most important in your life and how to achieve it. Clearly, as you state, how would see ever date someone not into the lifestyle and still stay with us. My guess is she can’t, but she doesn’t indicate any desire to do that at this point.
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Wow, there is a lot going on, with a lot of hearts/feelings involved! I’m sorry to hear that Kayla is finding you to blame for discord which was probably inevitable. Your situation is very unique to most people and the way Michaud initially accepted it totally blew my mind. He and Kayla are both very young, and while maybe sexually experienced, not as emotionally experienced as you and Mike, and John and Donna. I am curious…does Kayla ever talk about the future, as in marriage, building a family, owning a home, etc.? I can’t help but wonder if her inability to see the problems in her relationship with Michaud clearly, aren’t tied to a desire to one day have those things for herself. She may be with you and Mike now, but Mike won’t ever be available for marriage as he is married to you. He won’t father her children (I’m assuming), as he has built a family with you. He wouldn’t be buying a home, etc. with her, as he has done those things with you. And I wonder…if she doesn’t want those things one day. Just food for thought. And as always, I appreciate the honesty in which you share with us. I am not coming from your perspective or experiences, and therefore the ideas I have proposed may serve no relevance…and please know, there is no judgement. As someone who works in mental health, I can honestly say, that reading your blog has taught me a lot about a side of human nature which I have never been exposed. Wishing you all the best as you sort through this all.
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Thanks for the well thought out comments. And I am happy to see I present a different side to human nature. That’s the nicest way I’ve ever heard someone call me a freak. Ha! just kidding. I understand what you are saying and appreciate it. Let’s see, a lot to unpack here. You are exactly right that some of the issue is simply inexperience/immaturity. But I think even the most experienced/mature person sometimes has a hard time admitting when a relationship is over. And as for blaming me, I think it has more to do with the fact I am a “safe” person for her to blame. The things she wants to say to herself but can’t admit to, she can project onto me. That’s my take anyway. As for Michaud – Kayla has always said that Michaud was Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. She does see herself getting married one day, but is in no rush and open to marriage with either a man or a woman, depending on where her life takes her (although she gives the odds at being 90% to a man). And interestingly, the three of us just had a conversation about some of this and I plan to blog about it. Basically, the question we all pondered was, “If plural marriages were legal, would Kayla get married to us/Mike?” The short answer, no, but, it led to a very interesting conversation. And, Mike had a vasectomy, so no kiddo’s there. I’ll be working on this post soon. As I said, it raised a lot of interesting questions, some of the same that you posed here. Thanks again. Your comments and questions were quite timely!
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I do so enjoy your wit, ddjenny! I would never presume to judge your lifestyle…in fact, in many ways, I am starting to see (through your eyes and guidance) the draws to your poly dynamic and I am enamored with the way that you, Mike, and Kayla make it work. While I am glad to hear that you have already had conversations about the topics I posed, I cannot say that I am surprised… the communication between you three is incredible and I believe it is upon that foundation which your dynamic works so well. I would love to hear more about your conversation regarding marriage and why if plural marriages were in fact legal, Kayla would not want to enter into marriage with you both…hoping to see that post soon! Oh, and as a huge fan of your blog and self-proclaimed spanko, I cannot help but wonder what exactly Kayla said to you that earned her a spanking from Mike…. such a tease to mention that and not provide the details! 🙂
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Does Kayla read your blog? Just curious.
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Yes, on occasion., and nothing I write about any of my thoughts or observations about her is anything I haven’t shared directly with her.
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