Drama alert! I know I often paint a picture that we have achieved some nirvana in my household. Poly-bliss, D/s perfection! Of course not! As I recently wrote, we are human and thus subject to normal human frailty.
We’ve hit a little bump involving Kayla and her boyfriend, Michaud. I wrote before that Kayla asked us to allow Mike in our “circle of trust.” (our nickname for those with whom we engage with sexually, currently consisting of the three of us, John, Donna, and most recently, Matt). I won’t rehash our concerns (you can read the post), but Mike told Kayla no; but left it open for the future if we could get to know him better.
In the last month we have been able to get to better know Michaud. He is nice – good boyfriend material for Kayla. But that is different from “circle of trust” material. He just doesn’t seem comfortable with it all – which is totally understandable.
The frustrating part to me was that he would say he was “good with it” but I just didn’t feel it, nor did Mike. It feels like Michaud is going through the motions, trying to say the “right” things, but really isn’t happy. Not just unhappy with thoughts of our “circle,” but unhappy with his relationship with Kayla.
I can be very direct and would ask him very blunt questions, but frankly, Mike asked him way tougher questions than I did. But Kayla got annoyed at me for “intimidating” Michaud. That’s never my intent, but if honest intimidates (and it does!), then I am guilty.
I believe it serves no useful purpose to minimize what it is we are considering here. It is serious stuff, at least to Mike and I. If it is going to sour, then it needs to be now, not later. There is no benefit of putting lipstick on the pig and calling it something it isn’t. He needs to be honest with us and with himself.
Before Kayla brought any of this up to Michaud, we warned her of what might happen if we “rejected” him. And it isn’t like we are rejecting him – we are still evaluating him. Kayla finds it easier to blame me that his “evaluation” isn’t going well.
THE METAMOUR – POLY PLOT THICKENS
Adding to this is that Michaud has started dating another girl – with Kayla’s full knowledge and consent (and initial encouragement). Thus the growing complexity of metamours!
We will call her “X.”
X is aware of Kayla and they have met several times. Kayla’s take on X is that she is intrigued because it is “trendy” to date someone who is dating someone else. But she feels X doesn’t have the right heart or mindset for poly.
X is putting a lot of pressure on Michaud to spend more time with her and less with Kayla. And Kayla feels X is trying to get Michaud to dump her. Of course, Michaud says that isn’t true, thus Kayla feels like he is calling her paranoid. Adding to that, Kayla then feels Michaud is purposely ignoring X’s subterfuge, making her angry at Michaud.
The appearance of X makes the timing of Kayla’s request suspect. I accept Kayla’s word that these aren’t connected, but I also know sometimes our motivations aren’t always apparently to ourselves. Would she be asking for his inclusion had he not found a second girlfriend? X has made it clear she isn’t quite comfortable with this poly-thing, so having Michaud in our circle clearly has implications for his relationship with X. It’s just all to potentially messing — that is not the right foundation for admittance into our circle? Nope! No way!
Then, Kayla has said Michaud is getting more annoyed with her whenever she has other obligations, especially with us/Mike. Michaud got very annoyed with her when Kayla shared the nude resort plans with him. His reaction made her feel badly such that she asked Mike if she could invite him and they would get their own room. Mike agreed, thinking perhaps it would be a good step towards us getting more comfortable with him.
Ultimately it made things worse. Michaud said no. He was not only upset that Kayla didn’t invite him to start with, but that she had to get Mike’s permission to do so. And there it was. It is becoming clear that Kayla’s relationship with Mike is wearing on Michaud.
There’s more examples of this – but simply, currently Michaud can not be in our “circle,” but more so, maybe he isn’t prepared to continue his relationship with Kayla.
Neither Kayla nor Michaud are ready to admit that things are untenable. It frustrates me a bit because to me it is very clear and they are just being dishonest with themselves. Deep down they both see it, they just aren’t ready to admit it yet. So instead of moving on, they are becoming increasingly passive aggressive with each other.
Of course, Kayla doesn’t want to hear it from me. It is easier for her to just blame me for the strain with Michaud. I don’t like it, but that’s okay. She knows she can feel safe in blaming me as it won’t change my love for her. She will realize it soon enough and end things with Michaud (if he doesn’t end it first). And she might blame me for a bit, but I believe she will soon see I had nothing to do with it.
Adding to her feelings of acrimony towards me is that Mike actually spanked her for how she was treating me. She got very disrespectful in one of our conversations. Of course, she blamed me for that too. I recognize it is easier for Kayla to blame me than it is for her to blame herself, Michaud, or Mike. I am the safe one to blame. I’ll accept that for now.
My preference would be for them to realize that they give each other a lot of joy and fulfillment and thus cherish their moments together and look for more opportunities to express their love for each other. BUT — only if that is actually how they feel. Frankly, I don’t think it is and they just won’t admit it yet. But their realization of it is coming soon!