I know I said I would post a spanking story. I got a whopper, but it will have to wait. One more self-indulgent post please.
I am really feeling good about life.
- DD stuff is going great. Back to a normal routine now that holidays are done – other than the few tweaks re Post 204).
- On the family front, my youngest continues to do remarkably well, showing a growth and maturity we didn’t think possible just a year or so ago. My eldest is getting married in the fall, and the middle child graduates college soon.
- My blogprovides me joy. I love writing out my thoughts and experiences for no one other than myself – and it feels great to findothers appreciating it. My traffic inexplicably doubled in December and continues to be even higher in January.?? Don’t know what that’s about, but I likeknowing what I write is resonating. Although I think it is mostly just pervs needing to get off to a good spanking story, as those posts get far more views than my esoteric ramblings. Hey, I am still happy to provide a public masturbatory service.
- Kayla. I am very happy for her and how far she has come in the year she has lived with us. She says she feels like a different person. I tell her that the positive things she is seeing in herself aren’t new — I’ve seen them for years. The difference is that she is now “Consistently Kayla” as I call it. Those things used to be buried and rarely would come out and now they are just her default personality.
THE COBBLERS CHILDREN HAS NO SHOES
Until recently I was feeling a little bit like the story of the cobbler’s children with no shoes. I helped promote this loving, nurturing environment for others to flourish, based in large part on sharing your feelings – while I was often over thinking, over analyzing, and “processing” my thoughts before expressing myself.
While I feel a great sense of accomplishment and growth over the last three years (with the help of DD), I still feel that I haven’t yet slayed this big personal dragon. I am far from the controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, person I once was, but still have a ways to go. I won’t repeat myself as I covered that in a prior post and will just say that I feel confident that I am now fully equipped to set sail and slay that dragon.
THREE THINGS HAVE PUT EXTRA WIND IN MY SAILS
- My faltering on New Year’s Eve (Post 201) gives me added resolve to not repeat it.
- Inspiration from Kayla(Post 208) regarding her taking my “teachings” to heart. Sometimes the master needs to be the student. And I don’t mean “master” in a kink way.
- Out of the mouth of babes. Hey, a bible verse from Jenny. Did you know that? The full verse is “Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength.” I digress.
J was watching Spiderwick Chronicles for the first time. I was busy doing household things and I don’t know how far into the movie he was, but at one point he proclaimed, “Oh, I get it now.” I asked him what it was that he “got.”
“Truth isn’t what you see, it is what you feel in your heart.”
I was so moved by the look on his face as if he discovered the wheel and was envisioning the possibilities of his discovery. And I felt it wasn’t just him discovering it, but him telling me about it because he sensed he needed me to know.
I didn’t even have to give it any thought. I felt no desire to taint his moment with any of my influence. I simply let him simmer in his discovery and then I asked him what it meant to him. He said, “It’s like a rainbow, mom. You see it but it really isn’t there. It doesn’t really do anything and you can’t touch it. It’s just light reflecting, you know. But, it makes you feel good to see one, so that makes it something to you, even though not everyone can see it.”
I cried! It was beautiful. Especially coming from a child with impaired cognition about the world around him. Yet he 100% understands something as complex as feelings and truth.
I also realized I have made progress. Yes, I still self reflect, but for learning purposes, not for the purposes of calculating an appropriate response. Pre-DD Jenny would have felt compelled to impart her own “wisdom.” I would have likely said something like, the “feeling” was only true once you thought it through. Or, “sometimes what we feel can trick us,” or who knows what?!? I just know I would have ruined it for him and left him feeling he should trust his eyes more than his gut. I am so relieved I didn’t do that.
I now know, more than ever, that if a feeling is “thought out” then it isn’t an accurate representation of what was initially felt. It is no longer “true” to the moment. A feeling that was “processed” is still a feeling, but it doesn’t represent the truth of what was felt in the moment. It was processed. It’s as different as a chicken is to a McNugget.
Sorry, I took this beautiful moment my son created and made it analogous to a McNugget. Yeah, I need to work on my literary skills. That’s not my focus right now.