209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

I know I said I would post a spanking story.  I got a whopper, but it will have to wait.  One more self-indulgent post please.

I am really feeling good about life.

• DD stuff is going great.  Back to a  normal routine now that holidays are done – other than the few tweaks re Post 204).
• On the family front, my youngest continues to do remarkably well, showing a growth and maturity we didn’t think possible just a year or so ago.  My eldest is getting married in the fall, and the middle child graduates college soon.
• My blogprovides me joy.  I love writing out my thoughts and experiences for no one other than myself – and it feels great to findothers appreciating it.  My traffic inexplicably doubled in December and continues to be even higher in January.?? Don’t know what that’s about, but I likeknowing what I write is resonating.   Although I think it is mostly just pervs needing to get off to a good spanking story, as those posts get far more views than my esoteric ramblings.  Hey, I am still happy to provide a public masturbatory service.
• Kayla.  I am very happy for her and how far she has come in the year she has lived with us.  She says she feels like a different person.  I tell her that the positive things she is seeing in herself aren’t new — I’ve seen them for years.  The difference is that she is now “Consistently Kayla” as I call it.  Those things used to be buried and rarely would come out and now they are just her default personality.

THE COBBLERS CHILDREN HAS NO SHOES
Until recently I was feeling a little bit like the story of the cobbler’s children with no shoes.  I helped promote this loving, nurturing environment for others to flourish, based in large part on sharing your feelings – while I was often over thinking, over analyzing, and “processing” my thoughts before expressing myself.

While I feel a great sense of accomplishment and growth over the last three years (with the help of DD), I still feel that I haven’t yet slayed this big personal dragon.   I am far from the controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, person I once was, but still have a ways to go.  I won’t repeat myself as I covered that in a prior post and will just say that I feel confident that I am now fully equipped to set sail and slay that dragon.

THREE THINGS HAVE PUT EXTRA WIND IN MY SAILS

1. My faltering on New Year’s Eve (Post 201) gives me added resolve to not repeat it.
2. Inspiration from Kayla(Post 208) regarding her taking my “teachings” to heart.  Sometimes the master needs to be the student.  And I don’t mean “master” in a kink way. 
3. Out of the mouth of babes.   Hey, a bible verse from Jenny.   Did you know that?  The full verse is “Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength.”  I digress.  
   J was watching Spiderwick Chronicles for the first time.  I was busy doing household things and I don’t know how far into the movie he was, but at one point he proclaimed, “Oh, I get it now.”   I asked him what it was that he “got.”
   “Truth isn’t what you see, it is what you feel in your heart.”

I was so moved by the look on his face as if he discovered the wheel and was envisioning the possibilities of his discovery.  And I felt it wasn’t just him discovering it, but him telling me about it because he sensed he needed me to know.

I didn’t even have to give it any thought.  I felt no desire to taint his moment with any of my influence.  I simply let him simmer in his discovery and then I asked him what it meant to him.  He said, “It’s like a rainbow, mom.  You see it but it really isn’t there.  It doesn’t really do anything and you can’t touch it.  It’s just light reflecting, you know.  But, it makes you feel good to see one, so that makes it something to you, even though not everyone can see it.”

I cried!  It was beautiful.  Especially coming from a child with impaired cognition about the world around him.  Yet he 100% understands something as complex as feelings and truth.    

I also realized I have made progress.  Yes, I still self reflect, but for learning purposes, not for the purposes of calculating an appropriate response.   Pre-DD Jenny would have felt compelled to impart her own “wisdom.”  I would have likely said something like, the “feeling” was only true once you thought it through. Or, “sometimes what we feel can trick us,” or who knows what?!?  I just know I would have ruined it for him and left him feeling he should trust his eyes more than his gut.  I am so relieved I didn’t do that.

I now know, more than ever, that if a feeling is “thought out” then it isn’t an accurate representation of what was initially felt.  It is no longer “true” to the moment.  A feeling that was “processed” is still a feeling, but it doesn’t represent the truth of what was felt in the moment.  It was processed.  It’s as different as a chicken is to a McNugget.

Sorry, I took this beautiful moment my son created and made it analogous to a McNugget.   Yeah, I need to work on my literary skills.  That’s not my focus right now. 

NEXT: 210. A Best, er, Breast Punishment

118. The Stick of Truth, Part II (Ass play/punishment?)

I had to break this up to two posts (actually will be three!) as I wanted to share some of the details.  You’ll have to read the prior post to understand where this picks up.  It’s not like me to share this level of detail, but, I thought it was important in understanding what we went through, and, it was kinda fun writing about it!  

Before I get back to the story, a quick observation that Kayla made about my posts.

She noticed I always refer to Mike as “Mike”, or to myself as “Jen” when sharing the dialogue that went on between us.  The truth is, when talking to Kayla, I always refer to Mike as “Sir.”   Kayla always addresses me as “Ma’am.”  So I might say to Kayla, “Sir wants us to such and such…” instead of “Mike wants us to…”    However, when I write about it, I always refer to it  as “Mike wants us to…”

I believe that makes it easier for you all to read.  After all, he is my Sir, not yours!   Also, when reading it on my blog, I hope it reminds y’all (yes, I say “y’all” – I am from Texas after all) that we, in fact, just Mike and Jen.  Our lifestyle doesn’t change the fact we are normal people.  Hey – I heard that!  Who just said, “Geesh, normal?  What’s normal about them?”  

BACK TO WHAT HAPPENED
After dinner Mike helped me clean up, which is rare, but not unheard of.  He then asked me to tend to getting J’s evening wrapped up and getting him to bed and he would go “check on Kayla.”  He added, “Then we all have some things to discuss, don’t we?”

I knew Kayla said something to him and I wasn’t sure what all he meant by “checking on Kayla.”  I was concerned that she told him everything and he was going through with the punishment.  I asked him if we could talk and he said no, we could talk after J was asleep. He then added, “And don’t go to our room or Kayla’s until J is down for the night.”  I reluctantly gave a “Yes, Sir,” but fortunately my reluctance didn’t show.

Mike went to Kayla’s room.  She apparently had been crying quite a bit and between the tears and the slobber was a bit of a mess.  Mike rummaged through her “toy chest” and did not respond when she asked, “Is that you, Sir?” (she was blindfolded).   He eventually walked over to her and pulled up hard on the chains attached to the nipple and clit clamps and finally said, “Yes, it is me.  I am pondering an appropriate way to respond to your transgression.”

He took off her blindfold and removed the clamps, but left the ball gag in.  He then attached these nifty suckers we have (called the Fusion Triple Suckers, I recommend them!).  He put one on each nipple and her clit and then just stared at her for a while, occasionally ratcheting the suckers another half turn.  He told her that she was going to have to stay there until J was down for the night.  That could be an hour or more.  She mumbled something so Mike removed the gag.  She had to pee.  He asked her if she could hold it and she said not for very long.  He said he would be back soon and he left the room.

He returned with some hospital grade absorbent bed pads.  We had some left over from years of J having incontinence issues at night (that issue eventually resolved itself).  Oh – and he also brought a glass of water.    He told her she could try to hold it in, but if not, she would just have to go in her bed.  He lined some pads underneath her and laid another one over waist.  He had her drink the glass of water as quickly as she could.  Mike put the ball gag and blindfold back on her and removed the sucker that was on her clit.  As he left the room he then told her someone would return once J was down – which could be n hour or more.

BALL GAG SAFETY
This particular gag is medium-sized.  Large enough to cause a lot of drool, but small enough that your jaw is not stuck too wide open.  The ball is soft and does not go much past the teeth.  You can partially close your mouth if you bite down really hard.  Lastly, we are always sure to leave the person’s head free to move from side to side.  All of this is in the name of safety as you want to prevent all possible breathing obstructions if leaving a gagged person alone.   Even with all of this, having it in more than 15 or 30 minutes will leave you with a sore jaw.  She already had it in at least 45 minutes before her brief respite.

CLEANING UP KAYLA
Mike didn’t say a word to me when he returned from checking on Kayla.  I was tempted to ask him or say something, but I knew he would not appreciate it.  Clearly he is choosing not to say anything to me, plus, I knew it would not make for family dinner conversation.  I think he knew his silence was driving me crazy.  I had no idea what Kayla had told him or what Mike was having Kayla do.  It was a bit a mind fu*k by Mike.   I often enjoy this mental torture and would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t worrying about Kayla.

I did my best to encourage my son to go to bed, but it was still another hour and half before he did so.  Once J was asleep Mike told me to check on Kayla.  He told me that there might be a mess in there and to not mind the mess.  He told me to just remove whatever Kayla had on or attached to her except the blindfold, and to take her into the shower and get her clean.   He told me to tell her that she is not to speak until he speaks to her and she is not to assist in her cleaning.  She is to stand there and allow me to wash her down and dry her.   Lastly, after I tell her all of that, I am not to speak another word to her until Kayla was clean.

Once Kayla was clean, I was to remain clothed, sit down, and instruct her to get over my knees.  We would both remain silent and remain in that position until he comes into the room and gave further instructions.

I went to Kayla’s room and saw the soaked pads across her lap and on her bed. I also saw her nipples and areolas were purple – not a heavy purple, but purple none-the-less.  That’s what suckers can do when left on a long time.  Her pillow, neck, and chest and sides were wet with drool.

I removed the suckers and ball gag and although I hadn’t said anything, I guess she sensed my touch as she immediately said, “Thank you, Ma’am.”  I grabbed a tee shirt from her drawer and wiped her down a bit and told her she is not to speak until Mike comes.  I led her from her room into our bathroom and into the shower.  

As I showered her off, she never said a word.  The only reaction she gave was a quick wince when I wiped her chest, as apparently her nipples were a bit sore.   I kept the blindfold on her as Mike ordered, but it was soaked from the shower.  When I dried her off I tried my best to dry the blindfold without removing it.  I was tempted to take it off and wring it out, but Mike told me to leave it on and I didn’t want to deviate from his instructions.   Having that wet thing pressed against her face was just one more discomfort she would have endure.  All clean!   I instructed her to get over my knee and we would wait for Mike.

I kept waiting for Kayla to say something.  I was impressed and amazed that Kayla never said a word. She was told not to speak until Mike spoke to her, and she was obeying without fail.  She was not teary eyed and was very calm.  Her vibe actually made me feel a bit better as it gave me a sense that she was enjoying this.  Not sure why I sensed that.  She wasn’t smiling or seemed very expressive in any way.  Perhaps it was hard to read her feelings because the blindfold covered her eyes, but I still picked up a stoic and calm demeanor from her.

SPANKINGS. . . and more!
Mike entered the room and immediately told me to start spanking Kayla with my hand and not stop until ordered.  I began spanking her and several times Mike told me to spank harder or faster, so I did.  Kayla was now much more animated, flailing a bit.  Mike told her that every time her hand reached back to block mine or she tried to rub her ass, he would add another five minutes to the spanking.  I did my best to spread the whacks around.  My hand and arm was growing tired and finally Mike told me to stop after what seemed like around ten minutes.  At the pace I was spanking her, that was probably 600+ spankings.  Her ass was a bright cherry red. 

She couldn’t have received that spanking six weeks ago with J in the house.  This type of spanking used to require one of us to take her over to John and Donna’s (they have been very accommodating).  Kayla is a crier, and while she still almost always cries when spanked, she has become a bit more muted and muffled with her noises.  Still lots of tears, but not as much wailing.

Mike then handed me a bottle of lube and told me to finger Kayla’s ass, something I never did before.  Mike positioned her over my knee so that her ass was more squarely in my lap and she had to prop her arms on the floor to maintain her balance.  As gently and with as much lube as possible, I did as I was told.

My mind was thinking about how there has been an increasing amount of incorporating sexual type acts into punishments, something that used to be separate for us.   While some of this was just a slow and natural progression of my DD, I recognized that this particular act was directly due to Kayla’s past requests to be more dominated.  

Even though I was using quite a bit of lube, I could tell her pussy was very wet.  I saw that as another sign that she was enjoying this to some degree.  At some point Mike walked over and told me not to stop.  He pulled his pants down and his cock out, walked around, and lifted Kayla a bit by the shoulders so her head was better positioned to reach his cock.  He told me to keep fingering and get “that ass ready for me” as Kayla sucked away on Mike. 

He soon dropped Kayla back down so she was once again had her arms extended, hands on the floor, to keep herself propped over my knees.  Mike walked to the other side of her and told me to spread her ass.  I’ve been present when Mike and Kayla had anal sex, but not from this vantage point.  Mike entered inside her and while a tight fit, it went in fairly easy. 

I thoroughly enjoyed my vantage point.  I could feel Kayla’s heartbeat through my thighs,.  She was also making soft, pleasurable groans.  And I could see that Mike was enjoying it.  I had this close up view of watching his cock go in and out of her ass.  I actually forgot we were even in a punishment session.  It wasn’t long before Mike came inside her butt. 

He then told both of us to stand.  He embraced us and said that this concluded the punishment “for now.”  He wanted us to have a good nights rest and tomorrow there would be a second part to this punishment.

 Although it was not a night that Kayla was scheduled to sleep in our bed, Mike told her she would sleep with us tonight.  He said there would not be any sex, just loving cuddling.   I believe he knew that after Kayla endured the intensity of the last several hours, it would be rough on her if he just said, “Goodnight, now get to your bedroom.”  That just wouldn’t be proper aftercare!

He removed the damp blindfold and told her she would need to find another one (we have several) to wear to bed.  He wanted her to wake up in darkness and keep the blindfold on in the morning until he told her to remove it.  We all embraced and lovingly kissed each other for several minutes.  We then resumed our evening routines and soon it was bedtime and that was that. 

Unlike a normal Rewards Ceremony, Mike never asked Kayla or me to state what the transgression was.  And he never asked about what happened in the day that caused me to spank Kayla.  I was still in the dark as to what he knew or what was said between he and Kayla.   I was assuming the punishment she got was due to the cussing, but was a bit confused since it didn’t conform to what I expected.  Mike didn’t punish me or scold me in any way, so what was this all about?  I felt like reminding him that he said that there was something we were going to discuss, so, what was it?  However, I didn’t want to ruin the moment and he clearly was content with the state of things at the moment.  I didn’t see any reason to potentially disrupt that.

I would just have to wait until morning to find out what else he had planned.

NEXT:  119. The Stick of Truth, Part III.  

 

 

               

 

 

  

 

    

 

 

 

 

 

95. Much ado about…spanking!

You’ll understand the image I chose when you read the post.  It seemed to fit, except for one part of the quote.  If there are any theorists of written discourse among you, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what Blair meant by “masculine.”  I digress.

Hankerin’ for a Spankin’
With a lot of our attention (and my posts) on Kayla lately, it dawned on me that I haven’t been spanked in a while.  I’d like to chalk it up to my impeccable ability to achieve all that I commit to.   I’d like to chalk it up to that, but I can’t.  Frankly, it’s been a combination of just being in a good groove and a bit of latitude by Mike.

Overall on a strictness scale I’d say Mike had been an 8-9 for some time now as I urged and encouraged him to be strict as I was seeking greater submission.  However recently I’d put his strictness at about a 6.  I am not stating this as a critique – it would be inappropriate for me to be scoring Sir on his choices of punishments.  I don’t make it a practice of keeping “score” as it is completely up to him.  I only share this as a way to convey to you, the reader, what I am feeling and experiencing regarding Sir’s strictness.  I felt it necessary to clarify that in light of what this post is going to address.

I really enjoy my submissiveness and have grown to find a lot of satisfaction in structure and expectations, including being highly accountable to that structure in the form of punishments.  I’ve evolved from just living a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline to living the lifestyle of a submissive.   I have even wondered if I should change the name of my blog to reflect more about my life as a submissive vs DD?    I digress again.

I spoke with Mike and he agreed he has been a bit lax and said he would remedy that.  The reason for this post is to share a recent event where Mike took my request for greater strictness and applied it in an unexpected way.  The result was a spanking and as part of the punishment he wanted me to post about it.  Thus, the reason for this post.

I’ve been untruthful in my posts!
I’ve been untruthful!?!   Okay, those are Mike’s words, at least how I heard them.  In my words I sometimes simply “reorganize the facts” so as to more effectively convey what happened.

Here’s what happened.
Mike doesn’t regularly read my blog but will sit down and catch up in one reading. He recently did this and he made an observation.

What I heard Mike say was, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts!”  This assertion really hurt me and my defenses immediately went on high alert.  Pre-DD such an accusation would have certainly caused a big argument.  While I didn’t yell or use profanity, I still lost it, at least on the scale that my DD rules would call “losing it.”  Part of my response was, in a not so nice tone, “You’re crazy and you are wrong.  I strive to be truthful at all times, including my blog.  Name one thing that was not factual?”

Mike responded, “Whoa, watch the anger and sass!”

“Well SIR, if you dare to question my honesty you are going to get some sass.  I am just defending what I believe to be true and am offended you think I’ve been untruthful.”

“Oh,” said Mike, “how dare I?  So, I can’t calmly question you without you being offended?  I didn’t question this in an accusatory way.  I simply said I found that some of your posts embellished or told the story in a way that was different from how it occurred.   We can have a calm discussion about it so I can better understand why, or you can argue.  You chose that latter.”

Yes, he didn’t actually use the words, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts.” However, that is how I interpreted his words and thus reacted defensively.   I apologized to him for overreacting  and again said that such an accusation is so abhorrent to me that I couldn’t control my reaction.   Mike said he would address this lack of control soon enough, but wanted to have a discussion about the blog first.

Mike went on to point out some various parts of different posts that were not “entirely accurate.”  The specifics examples he gave aren’t important, but, yes, he was correct. Some of the things I post are not entirely accurate.

What?  Untrue you say?
Yes, some events as I portrayed them were not precisely as they occurred – nor will they be in the future.  I write to portray what happened as succinctly as possible – and if you read my posts, I probably am not as succinct as I could be.  So here is my confession to you:

• Yes, I admit I don’t always recall the words verbatim.  I do recall the impact of what was said, so I may choose words to more succinctly and accurately describe that impact.
• Yes I choose to omit parts of the exchange that I feel are not relevant to the event, emotion, or revelation that I wanted to share.
• Yes, I sometimes even change the order of events because it makes it more coherent for you, the reader.
• Yes, sometimes I add some of the “unspoken” things that I know were intended, otherwise, what I write could be confusing. There are times something gets said that is in reference to an earlier exchange.  It is entirely unnecessary for me to share the entire earlier exchange just to give the reader the context for that reference.  Instead, I’ll find a way to give that context within the dialogue I choose to write.  It isn’t intended to mislead.  It more effectively communicates my experience and it is my experience that I am wanting to share.  Not a verbatim recitation of every second of a given experience.
• Yes, sometimes when I or someone speaks they may not articulate the full meaning in a given statement and I may rewrite that statement so that you can better understand the impact of what they said or did.

There is some artistic license that is necessary when sharing any story – and, this blog is about my perception of the world around me.  Our perceptions will naturally filter certain elements of “the truth.”  Two people can see, hear, or feel the same event differently.  That doesn’t make them untruthful when they recount the event.  Everything I state is truthful in that it reflects my reality.   I believe as long as I am accurately describing the intent, emotions, reactions, or impact of a situation, I am being authentic, if not truthful.   Come on, do I really remember every strike of the paddle, ever thrust of the penis?  No, but  I can convey those emotions in a way that allows you to better feel them as I did.

Much ado about nothing.
And what was Mike’s reaction after I was able to calmly explain myself in the manner I just explained it to you?

“Oh, okay.  That makes sense.”

Doh!   It was all much ado about nothing.  Unfortunately, because I couldn’t control my temper and reacted the way I did, I still got a spanking.  I accept that.  One of my mantras is to seek to understand before being understood.  If I would have simply taken the time to understand where Mike was coming from, I could have then given my explanation and this would have been an uneventful and soon forgotten conversation.  Instead, it resulted in too many to count with the hairbrush!   Ouchy!  But delightfully so.  It had been too long between spankings!

At least it gave me something to post about other than Kayla!  My plan was to share the events of her first spanking – it is quite a story that needs no embellishing!   Perhaps next time.

NEXT:  96.  Kayla’s first. . . 

89. Spanking jealousy away

I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla.  It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it.   It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate.   They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…”    As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth.   Saying it out loud is very healing.  It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”

I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy.  Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic.  To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode.  My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation.  It’s like envy+fear+anger.   Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has.  Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have.  It doesn’t demand immediate resolution.  It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.

I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive.  One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command.  It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.

Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment).  Should I be punished?  Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation.  I respectfully disagreed.  I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish.  They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything.  They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for.  So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.

So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment.  He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it.  Well, that didn’t take long.

Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away.  Their options are limited only by their time and money.  I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience.  Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.

My Punishment
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts.  I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.”  I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike.  (Hand spankings are my favorite!).  He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.

At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked.  It was way harder than I thought.   The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why.  After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer.  Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!

I got to 48, which I was very proud of.  Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings.  I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65.  At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit.  I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling.  Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.

And that was that.  Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements.   Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?

Next: 90. Delightfully Naughty – Mike’s Date Night with Donna.

 

46. Reflections: Service, Submission, Brass Tacks, and Colonel Jessup?

This is one of those self-reflecting posts; however, for those that like to hear stories of submission, there is something in it for you as well.   Lastly, if you are a fan of a Few Good Men, the next time you watch it I hope you remember reading this post and it puts an extra smile on your face.

Reflecting on the Argument
Wow, three straight days of posting.  That’s unusual but is due to a combination of less hectic demands of the day and better organization on my part.

While all is forgiven regarding the Argument, I still need to understand what led to it so as not to repeat it.  I am not dwelling on it from the perspective a negative emotion like guilt or shame.  I am reflecting on it to seek a greater understanding for the triggers that led to my behavior.

Thank you jadescastle!
I have to thank jadescastle for her comments that rang very true to me.  She thought perhaps it was a combination of vulnerability and anger that compromised my coping skills.  I believe that was a big part of it.   The lack of control over my son’s injury along with the challenges in dealing with his compounded needs certainly had me in a vulnerable state.  No system, DD or otherwise, is a guarantee that you won’t be emotionally vulnerable from time to time.  I just didn’t recognize it because until then, a situation like this hadn’t occurred since we began our DD.  I believe now I will be more sensitive to recognizing the early signs and avoid a recurrence of what happened.

I also believe part of it was that I was sensing the distance that I was getting from our DD and it made me anxious.  I enjoy our DD.  I want our DD.  I need our DD.  (Said in my head with the intensity of Colonel Jessup).   In fact, that inspired me to modify his monologue.  It would be my message to anyone who finds anything to do with DD abhorrent and who feels entitled for me to explain myself:

You can’t handle the truth!  Women live in a world that has challenges, and we can get help with those challenges from our men.  Who else is gonna’ do it?  You?  I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.  You weep for my DD and you curse our methods.  You have that luxury of not knowing what I know.  Our DD, while at times uncomfortable, improves our lives.  And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, improves our lives.  You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want some DD, you need some DD.  We use words like Duties, Obligations, and Rewards.  We use these words as the backbone of our lifestyle.  You use them as a punchline.  I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who has no idea as to the fulfillment, nurturing and love I receive and provide, and then question the manner in which I receive and provide it.   I would rather you just said “good for you,” and went on your way.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a paddle and stand ready to receive it.  Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Okay, I digress.  Back to the issue at hand.   Although I sensed the distance, I told myself I could handle it and it was temporary and I would “close the gap” soon enough on my own.   Thus I resisted when Mike forced the issue.

One major “doh!” moment was courtesy of another comment from jadescastle, pointing out I could clean/cook while on the phone.  I feel like I am not as good of a listener when I multi-task, but, given my top commitments are to my family, it would have been an easy and preferred trade-off versus ignoring my duties.

Lastly, jadescastle mentioned something about “not prioritizing over his needs.”  That statement really hit home as it reminded me that serving him is what gives me tremendous pleasure, more pleasure than helping my niece, more pleasure than anything else.

“Serving him” was not what I originally intended with our DD, but I get tremendous joy in doing so and I momentarily forgot that.  I’ve learned I really love submission.  In fact, I have come to think of what we do not as Domestic Discipline, but as Service and Submission.  If SS was an understood and accepted term, that is what I would call our DD going forward.

As such, I asked Mike for something.  I asked him for a Reward that could be considered an overall “attitude adjustment.”   Things that would remind me and demonstrate my love for serving him and my willingness to submit to him.

Mike came up with some things which we implemented yesterday.  We will review them at our next Maintenance Session to discuss what, if anything, will continue.  I call these my Service and Submission Reminders as the purpose of this exercise is to get me refocused on my desire to serve and submit.

Mike came up with two of what he calls “Behavioral” Reminders:

1.  Mike leads:  He will lead me when we are out in public. I will walk a step behind him and he will hold my wrist, not my hand.   I don’t think people pay that much attention, but if they do, the visual is clear – he is leading me.
2. I do not speak:  In any interaction with others, I will not speak until given permission, which may be verbal or a head nod from Mike. We did this during our M/s immersion.  It is awkward and uncomfortable, but I think of it as a game.  I like to see the reaction it gets when someone asks me something and I look to Mike and he either answers it or nods his head to allow me to speak.  And when I do speak, more often than not the answer is, “Whatever pleases him.”

He then came up with two of what he calls “Physical” Reminders:

3. Daily physical challenge: Mike had me make a Tack Bra. It took some trial and error, but I had a bra that turned out to be perfect for this.  It had just enough padding and material so the tacks held snug yet still left enough of the tip out to provide the right amount of poke.  There are 35 tacks in each cup.  While absolutely uncomfortable, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.  It definitely serves as a constant reminder of my service.  Certain movements will give me a scrape or poke.  I had to explain my occasional teeth gritting or mild groan to my son.  I had to tell him my back was hurting a little and if I twisted just right it would give me a sharp pain.
   So, here is my daily routine for the near future:
   – Each morning we start with the Calisthenics of Doom. 10 jumping jacks and 10 swats in push up position.  And if you read the post out these “exercises” you’ll know that the 10 jumping jacks could come with 50+ swats depending on how well I do.  Definitely gets your blood pumping first thing in the morning.  Better than any caffeine!
   – I put on my tack bra and do not take it off until he is ready to leave or start work (sometimes he works from home).  At that time he will affix clamps to my nipples to the pressure of his liking and I am to leave them until the top of the current hour.  At that time I remove the clamps and now have to insert and keep an anal plug in for one hour.  I then remove it and wait an hour before starting over with the bra.  The process repeats until Mike gets home from work.  If he isn’t working from home he can face time me any time during the day to check on my adherence.   The times work out something like this:  6:30am calisthenics of doom, bra on immediately following the calisthenics, so from about 6:50-7:30, maybe 7:45am.  Clamps on until 8:00am, plug in from 8am-9am.  9-10am break.  10-11am bra, 11-12pm clamps, 12-1pm plug, 1-2pm break.  2-3pm bra, 3-4pm clamps, 4-5pm plug.  5pm bra ,and then Mike is typically home or done with work about 5:30.  He said typically I will keep the tack bra on until after dinner and then can remove it until our son is asleep.
   I must adhere to this even when I go out during the day, so I have to take my “supplies” with me.   A lot more trips to bathrooms than usual so I can swap items out!
4.  Bare Down There!:   We got a sitter for Friday and are going over to John and Donna’s. Mike picked up a Brazilian Waxing kit.  It is supposedly a very good one and he bought a wax warmer so we don’t accidentally burn anything precious!   He and John are going to watch Donna give me a wax.  I’ve never been fully bare.  The thought of not having a trained professional doing the waxing concerns me a bit.  Donna and I watched some videos this morning so hopefully we know what we are doing.

Also borrowing from our M/s experiment, Mike is enforcing a strict bedtime for me as I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should.   This is something I actually love.  Good rest is definitely a reward!  I should be going to sleep earlier but it is something I would never do unless Mike tells me.   Last night I went to bed about 8:30 with instructions to journal, masturbate to climax, then go to bed.  I am to sleep naked and when Mike gets to bed he might wake me for sex, it is up to him.  Last night I was asleep by 9:15.  It was wonderful, and yes, he did wake me for sex.

Overall, the argument was a good thing.  It made me appreciate what I have with Mike and have an even greater appreciation for sticking with our DD.   Best yet, it made me full recognize and acknowledge to myself that service and submission is what completes me.

NEXT:  47. Birth of a Dom