336. Hello from the kinky side

I GHOSTED YOU, BUT I AIN’T DEAD
I am happy to report I am not dead!  

I had a deep-seated need to disengage from my blog as well as from a handful of email buddies I’ve been fortunate enough to pick up along the way.  Honestly, I ghosted everyone online.  I know it’s mean.  Sorry, I could have easily just spent a few minutes with a short note, but I kept thinking, “I’ll post something this week.”  And then the weeks went by.   ONE ETERNITY LATER. . .

WHY?   
I am still unsure.  It was like a switch went off and nothing about my anonymous online life interested me.   I am not sure exactly why.  I think it was a multitude of factors which I will go through.   I will try to be a better “online friend” and at least share that a hiatus is self-imposed and nothing bad is going on. 

One of the influences of my growing disinterest is that I was having this increasing feeling of being exposed and vulnerable.  If you’ve read most of my posts you know me as an exhibitionist and vulnerability addict and one who is an over-sharer.   In fact, I think that was the very fuel that kept me posting.  But suddenly, it just didn’t give me the same reaction.  I wasn’t feeling exposed and vulnerable in a good way, but in the way that every post created a darker cloud of being susceptible to attack or harm.

To be clear, there have never been any outward threats and this feeling I had was mostly just in my head.   99.9% of comments and emails and interactions as a result of my blog have been positive.   You all have been great, comments are overwhelmingly positive, and the handful of email buddies have been great to interact with and get to know in a more meaningful one-on-one way.

Maybe it’s part of a mid-life crisis?   I started having this overwhelming need to protect the lifestyle I cherish and for some reason, I began viewing my blog as a threat.  I even considered deleting it, but Mike encouraged me not to “go nuclear” and give it time.  He was very reassuring and that means a lot to me given he is the one that is the privacy hawk and I am one that lets information flow like a sieve.

I am not sure what triggered my need to become so insular, especially when I am a lifelong over-sharer.   There are several things I can point to that all contributed to this hiatus.

• I received ONE nasty comment from an anonymous person.  Typically I understand their perspective and look at it as an opportunity to respectfully disagree.  But this one triggered a “mama bear” type of reaction that made me want to not just defend my lifestyle but wrap my arms around it and run away saying, “Mine.  Leave me alone!”  I’ve always accepted that my lifestyle is abhorrent to many people. But for some reason, it suddenly mattered to me that they were attacking it.  It made me feel very protective of what I have.  What I have is amazing to me.  I cherish it and would never do anything to knowingly undermine it.
  
• The next thing was my post about one million views as well as discovering I made list of top sex bloggers.   I was like #360-something out of 500.As for the million views –
• I never started out with a goal to have lots of views.  I needed an outlet to organize my thoughts and think more deeply about my life.  It is amazingly therapeutic to have to think through and write what is meaningful to me, question my own motivations, and question whether the outcomes are truly fulfilling.   And being so bold as to put it out there for people to scrutinize actually added to that therapeutic value.
• The increased views made me start worrying about being a “poster child” for any one aspect of my life.  A swinger, a submissive, a nudist, bisexual, polyamorous , etc.  It was as if I recognized that if someone has a problem with one element of the various terms that label me, they use it to reject the others.   I’ve written before that I don’t like writing much about nudism because I do the nudist community an injustice as many outside the community who don’t know better think it is about a bunch of pervy kinksters.  Then I started thinking maybe I do the same for bisexuals, or those who are poly, or those who are submissive, and so on.  I don’t want to be the fodder for the ignorance that is out there that fuels someone’s disgust for particular lifestyles.
• As for the sex blogger list – it was on Kinkly (a fantastic website!).   At first, I thought it was cool (and I still do).  I’ve known about it for about a year, but suddenly, in combination with the one million views, the one negative comment, etc., it began to bother me.  It elicited that bad exposed and vulnerable feeling.
• The “final straw” and probably the biggest catalyst to my ghosting everyone was that I was becoming increasingly aware of how lucky I am.  Call it a mid-life crisis moment!  Not as in a real crisis, but as in a taking inventory of what I have and appreciating it immensely!  I am largely worry-free in my life other than first-world problems.
• My biggest lifetime worry has been about my special needs son, and as it turns out he has far exceeded every expectation regarding his self-reliance.  My other kids are doing well.  My marriage is incredibly strong and rewarding.  I get to love two amazing people in my marriage!  Our network of friends is full of close and rewarding relationships, albeit with some unique elements!  My prior post was about the potential powder keg of living an open lifestyle with several couples – yet we have navigated it well.
  

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
I think I started hearing myself repeat one of Mike’s often repeated phrases when it comes to sharing details of our lifestyle with others.  “What’s the upside?”   While my blog is sufficiently anonymous, I’ve been more forthcoming with some personal details in some of my email friends I’ve met via this blog.  While I feel all of them earned my trust, it started to nag at me that maybe I am getting too comfortable with sharing certain details about myself.   But anything I shared was always with Mike’s approval, and he is the privacy king!   But as some of those online relationships evolved and headed to actually meeting them, I thought, “Why upset my apple cart with this wild card?  I have everything I need and adding another stick of dynamite can ruin what I have.”

I also started feeling like my blogging would be taking time away from living this life I’ve built.  Why blog about it when I could be living it?   And this was compounded by several things that have made my free time much more scarce (I hope to update you on those things, such as me working part-time!).  It truly got to the point that in order to consistently blog I knew I would have to take precious time away from something else.  I simply didn’t want to trade that time for blogging time, especially given the online world wasn’t exciting to me in any way.      

So what changed to prompt my post today? 

I CAN BALANCE
I realized I’ve been blogging for almost four years and have easily balanced my over-sharing nature with the needs for privacy (and Mike is ever watchful to ensure that stays in balance).   

IT FEELS GOOD
I still feel a therapeutic benefit from blogging.  See, I told you I am a bit selfish.  It’s about what I get from my blogging, not so much about what my readers get.  Sorry, just being honest, but I think everyone who blogs must first do it for themselves.

I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF
Come on, this is still an obscure little blog that is not going to change the worldview for the worse regarding human sexuality and kink.  In whatever small way I know the net impact of my blog is positive.  Sure, it’s likely masturbatory fodder for some, but hey, everyone’s got needs!   As for me, I need to get over any thoughts that I am portraying everyone who fits into any one (or more) of my “labels.”  I am portraying me!  And I need to portray the exhibitionist-over-sharer that I am as much as I do any other aspect of myself.

IT’S EMPOWERING
I provides me a sense of validation to know what I write appeals to certain people (my kind of people!).   Kink is such a personal topic and can come with all sorts of negative baggage.  I hope my blog can help normalize sexual exploration.  To me “normalizing” things is what all blogs do.  They normalize and humanize our individual experiences, whether they be about something as salacious as kink, or as simple as shopping, baking, clothing, or a day-in-the-life.    Blogging connects us and validates us in ways other media can not.

We learn people are more than the sum of their parts.  We learn that underneath a particular avocation, kink, or interest, they are not a swinger, a submissive, a nudist, a bisexual woman, or a polyamorous wife.  I am just a much those things as I am a mom, a mom of a special needs child, a neighbor, a friend.   THAT’s the part of blogging that excites me.   That I can illustrate you can be all of that and NONE of that defines you.  What defines you are the relationships you forge with others, whether family or friends, or even anonymous online friends.

The written word leaves a lot to our imagination.  I know for the blogs I read the blogger becomes a living character to me.  They only share snippets of themselves and we are free to fill in the blanks to create a complete “character” that becomes our friend.  I like the idea of being one of those friends to you.   It intrigues me to know what blanks you fill in about me.  Hey, I heard that.  Come on, I am not into THAT kind of kink.

 While I doubt I will blog with the same intensity as before, I do plan to keep blogging.  I hope I can be a better online friend and not one who ghosts you again. One thing hasn’t changed.  I can take a topic that can be covered in a few paragraphs and I end up writing a short story!  Being non-succinct is just one of my endearing qualities! (so I have to tell myself).

NEXT: 337.  Outsourcing Domestic Discipline

326. Look at me! Validate me!

Well, that break was unexpected.  2 months!

In that time we

• celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary
• Mike turned 51
• J turned 19 and spends almost all his time away from home (i.e. household adjusts to quasi-empty-nest).
• Kayla starting her full-time job (yet another household adjustment).
• And, um, er, ah.  . . Very soon, I’ll be the BIG 5-OH!

My blog-neglect extended to neglecting email friends I’ve met via this blog.  I hope to catch up with them soon (if they aren’t upset with me).   I also shunned social media in general, staying away from Facecrook – I mean, Facebook, and other social media.

POST TRAUMATIC TWITTER DISORDER
The impetus of my social media blackout was that I had a sort of “social media” trauma.  There is a family member who is a sort of social media “star.”  I use that term loosely but they make a very good living simply off their social media presence.  The bigger their following grew, the more the trolls came out of the woodwork.  Over time the trolls became more aggressive and dangerous.

Their harassment extended to family members and evolved into physical threats.  The root of it all is one particular online community (I won’t name it as I don’t want to give them any promotion) where people go ostensibly to “exchange gossip.”  But, this isn’t about “sharing tea.”  It’s about getting followers.  Thus, it becomes about making up the tea – the more outlandish the “accusation” (which soon becomes accepted as “fact”), the better. 

Their accusations aren’t just laid out in words.  They use screen shots, video, emails, and text messages that are often altered to fit their narrative.  Once published, the troll and their minions go out to various social media to boost the fantastical narrative they created.  All with the aim of bringing their target down (ridicule, embarrass, and harass).

Many of the trolls do this for sport, but the more astute ones find ways to monetize it.  Yes, they can put their conspiracy-theory-like personal attacks on YouTube.  And of course, they do so anonymously.   YouTube has monetized hate and harassment and provides protection via the veil of anonymity for those who wish to hate and harass.

YouTube loves it and promotes it.  If you like a particular person, YouTube will start showering you with suggestions to watch the people who troll the person you like.   More clicks simply mean more ad revenue for YouTube (and the troll).  YouTube doesn’t care that they empower, embolden, and reward the trolls.

Now, add in the backdrop of all the news around the snooping and illegal tracking and sharing of info by Facebook and others (including many of the apps on your phone).  Well.  Crap.  I just wanted to get away from such technology and “go dark.”

BLOGGING IS UNNECESSARY ME
The thought of “putting myself out there” via blogging felt unnecessary – like a pretty ornament that didn’t fit in with the decor.   Even though I am anonymous, I am not anonymous to me, if that even makes sense.   It still requires me to put my thoughts and actions out there and subject them to hate.  Not that the WordPress community has much of that (the bizarre (Post 295 “The Fuck-you John Troll,” notwithstanding, and that wasn’t hate – that was just friggin’ weird and nuts).

WordPress is very good in that respect.  No, not the weird and nuts part, but the lack of hate part.  Okay, maybe a little weird and nuts, of which I am a contributor.  Regardless, by blogging I felt I was participating in the “look at me / validate me” mindset that shares a link to what motivates trolls.   I was so disgusted with the trolls that I didn’t want to swim in the same ocean as them, even if they were a thousand miles away.

BLOGGING IS NECESSARY TO ME
To be honest, “look at me / validate me” motivates us non-trolls as well.  It motivates me!  It’s a part of all of us who share on any social platform.

I’ve stated before that I find blogging very self-affirming, i.e., validating.   But I think we all know the difference between seeking affirmation for who we are proud to be versus seeking a feeling of being valued because I am insecure and harassing someone makes me feel better about my pathetic life.   Slight difference.

So, yeah. . . I just felt “blah” anytime I thought of posting.   If any of this sounds familiar, I went through this a bit last fall which I shared in Post 287.   My guess is I will go through this again at some point in the future.   That “blah-ness” is not totally gone but has subsided, thus —  HERE I AM!   LOOK AT ME!  VALIDATE ME!  lol.

No, on second thought.  There shouldn’t be a “lol” attempting to diffuse the point.  Really.  Look at me, validate me!

Ha.  Just kidding.

Or am I?

Okay, okay.

I’ll admit it.  Yes, blogging helps me actualize myself, to challenge, expand, and become my potentialities. . . to express and activate all the capacities that are within me to love, be loved, and be the person I want to be. . . to reconcile conflicting emotions. . . to simply vent when needed. . . to be heard, even if only to a few. . . to expand what it means to be me.   If that means “look at me, validate me,” then so be it.

Phew.  Okay.  Got that over with.   On to some kinky-fuckery.  Next post.

NEXT: 327. When the kids are away, the adults shall play

297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

I know I said I would post a spanking story.  I got a whopper, but it will have to wait.  One more self-indulgent post please.

I am really feeling good about life.

• DD stuff is going great.  Back to a  normal routine now that holidays are done – other than the few tweaks re Post 204).
• On the family front, my youngest continues to do remarkably well, showing a growth and maturity we didn’t think possible just a year or so ago.  My eldest is getting married in the fall, and the middle child graduates college soon.
• My blogprovides me joy.  I love writing out my thoughts and experiences for no one other than myself – and it feels great to findothers appreciating it.  My traffic inexplicably doubled in December and continues to be even higher in January.?? Don’t know what that’s about, but I likeknowing what I write is resonating.   Although I think it is mostly just pervs needing to get off to a good spanking story, as those posts get far more views than my esoteric ramblings.  Hey, I am still happy to provide a public masturbatory service.
• Kayla.  I am very happy for her and how far she has come in the year she has lived with us.  She says she feels like a different person.  I tell her that the positive things she is seeing in herself aren’t new — I’ve seen them for years.  The difference is that she is now “Consistently Kayla” as I call it.  Those things used to be buried and rarely would come out and now they are just her default personality.

THE COBBLERS CHILDREN HAS NO SHOES
Until recently I was feeling a little bit like the story of the cobbler’s children with no shoes.  I helped promote this loving, nurturing environment for others to flourish, based in large part on sharing your feelings – while I was often over thinking, over analyzing, and “processing” my thoughts before expressing myself.

While I feel a great sense of accomplishment and growth over the last three years (with the help of DD), I still feel that I haven’t yet slayed this big personal dragon.   I am far from the controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, person I once was, but still have a ways to go.  I won’t repeat myself as I covered that in a prior post and will just say that I feel confident that I am now fully equipped to set sail and slay that dragon.

THREE THINGS HAVE PUT EXTRA WIND IN MY SAILS

1. My faltering on New Year’s Eve (Post 201) gives me added resolve to not repeat it.
2. Inspiration from Kayla(Post 208) regarding her taking my “teachings” to heart.  Sometimes the master needs to be the student.  And I don’t mean “master” in a kink way. 
3. Out of the mouth of babes.   Hey, a bible verse from Jenny.   Did you know that?  The full verse is “Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength.”  I digress.  
   J was watching Spiderwick Chronicles for the first time.  I was busy doing household things and I don’t know how far into the movie he was, but at one point he proclaimed, “Oh, I get it now.”   I asked him what it was that he “got.”
   “Truth isn’t what you see, it is what you feel in your heart.”

I was so moved by the look on his face as if he discovered the wheel and was envisioning the possibilities of his discovery.  And I felt it wasn’t just him discovering it, but him telling me about it because he sensed he needed me to know.

I didn’t even have to give it any thought.  I felt no desire to taint his moment with any of my influence.  I simply let him simmer in his discovery and then I asked him what it meant to him.  He said, “It’s like a rainbow, mom.  You see it but it really isn’t there.  It doesn’t really do anything and you can’t touch it.  It’s just light reflecting, you know.  But, it makes you feel good to see one, so that makes it something to you, even though not everyone can see it.”

I cried!  It was beautiful.  Especially coming from a child with impaired cognition about the world around him.  Yet he 100% understands something as complex as feelings and truth.    

I also realized I have made progress.  Yes, I still self reflect, but for learning purposes, not for the purposes of calculating an appropriate response.   Pre-DD Jenny would have felt compelled to impart her own “wisdom.”  I would have likely said something like, the “feeling” was only true once you thought it through. Or, “sometimes what we feel can trick us,” or who knows what?!?  I just know I would have ruined it for him and left him feeling he should trust his eyes more than his gut.  I am so relieved I didn’t do that.

I now know, more than ever, that if a feeling is “thought out” then it isn’t an accurate representation of what was initially felt.  It is no longer “true” to the moment.  A feeling that was “processed” is still a feeling, but it doesn’t represent the truth of what was felt in the moment.  It was processed.  It’s as different as a chicken is to a McNugget.

Sorry, I took this beautiful moment my son created and made it analogous to a McNugget.   Yeah, I need to work on my literary skills.  That’s not my focus right now. 

NEXT: 210. A Best, er, Breast Punishment

99. Be Here Now Slut – Eyes Wide Open

It’s been awhile since I’ve indulged in a somewhat esoteric ramble – the aptly named Post 67: An Esoteric Ramble or Post 81: Expectations.  You may not enjoy them, but I find them cathartic for me.

I’ve had a “boring” couple of days when compared to my run of excitement over the past month or so. No spankings, no wild sex, minimal nakedness about the house (due to too many people coming and going lately). My excitement binge is actually more than a month old – it dates back to starting this blog in April.   At that point my DD was just a year old. I thought that first year had a lot of twists and turns, but nothing like the last eight months. I think the blogging and the events over the last eight months are linked.

EYES WIDE OPEN
The blogging helped reinforce my trust and confidence in my decision to embrace a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. In turn, as I perused other blogs it introduced me to a wider community of kink – a community that was always there, but perhaps one that I was not inclined to explore previously.

Plenty of things happen to us that we aren’t prepared for; however, I believe the chances for new experiences greatly increase when we are most open to receiving them.

When we are open our vision is more acute – we see and recognize the opportunities that may have always been there but we just couldn’t recognize them before. We now not only see them, but we welcome them into our thoughts. Once in our thoughts we may still eventually dismiss them, but we are now that much closer to actually embracing them.

Since April I have been open to just about anything when it comes to exploring things with Mike – and of course a lot of that is sexual. That openness led to our relationship with John and Donna – friends we’ve known for years but now that relationship is more than “just friends.”  And of course this whole thing with Kayla that has dominated my recent posts. I am sure opportunities like there were out there before (perhaps not with those same people), but I was not open to them. That is why just a few years ago if someone told me I would have those types of relationships I would think they were crazy. Not only was I not “into” that, I couldn’t imagine anyone else would be.

WHY NOT DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE YEARS AGO?
Kayla asked me if I wished I embraced DD sooner.  That’s easy.  I have no sense of loss for not embracing DD sooner.   Simply put, my needs were different and my outlook was different.

For most of my life, what I sought and accepted as being fulfilling to me were things that are not conducive to submissiveness. In hindsight I might recognize some of those things were not as fulfilling as I believed them to be, but to me, regrets are a waste of energy. At the time there would have been no convincing me as I was living the lifestyle I accepted as right for me at that time.  No way would I have accepted DD.

I think I mentioned before, I am more “outcome” focused when musing about my life.   I choose not to waste much energy on the past. Whatever attention I give to the past is about how to make the “now” better, not play “what if” regarding events of the past. When you waste energy on the past it takes energy from your present. I want to fully “be here now” to address my “now” the best I can. I want to “be here now” for Mike, for my family, for all of those I love – including for myself.

At this moment in my life “being here now” is about being submissive to Mike and remaining open to all of life’s possibilities, sexual and otherwise. For me, love is happiness, sex is happiness, and submission is happiness. If a doctrine of happiness is considered self-indulgent and hedonistic, then I am guilty.   I am a “be here now” slut! 

Next: #100: Thank you Readers and Followers.