Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, “Can submission lead me to healing?”
I remember pre-DD Jenny. The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like. It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control. It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.
It’s too early for me to forget my anger. No, it won’t be forgotten that easily. But, I can put it aside momentarily. Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.
So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again? Oh, anger! I thought I put you down. Let me try again.
So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it. Anger, I thought I put you down. Let me try again.
So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there. Let me try again.
So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away. Let me try again.
Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate. What does that matter anyway? I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.
I got to find my happy place. Just for a little while. The anger will be there later for me to pick it up. Happy place? Hum. I got it. Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party.
{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage } Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike. Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.
ONE ETERNITY LATER
Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization. A very important truth about discipline. At least, it is a truth to me.
THE TRUTH ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.
For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves. That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).
But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF. We all have rules we must abide by. Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society. Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline. (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope).
For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner. And for me, that discipline, more so than SD, provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down. If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline! Oh wait, I got one! I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.
This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me. It completes my self-discipline.
THE ACT AND THE RESULTS
With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS.
The act of discipline is NOT punishment.
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline. Spanking, chastisement, being shunned. Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?
The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD. Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability. And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline. It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.
The result of discipline is NOT pain. The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments. Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves. DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.
MIKE IS CAPABLE
I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!). He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me! He has done amazing things for Kayla as well. His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different. Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.
Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust. Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful. In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little. While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful. Once again, progress, not perfection
DOM MIKE IS A BETTER LISTENER
Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires. He does that MORE since DD than ever before. Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him. Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited. Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.
MIKE IS WORTHY
Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline. Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this? I know he put a lot of thought into his decision. Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself. Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision. Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue. especially on this issue.
Submission is not easy. Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike. My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt. I can begin to heal my anger through submission.
STILL CAN’T “SUBMIT” THE BAD FEELINGS AWAY
So maybe I am like 80% there. I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling. So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.
MOTIVATION
What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party? He wants me at the party, I know it! He enjoys having me there. But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun. The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it. My behavior warranted it. Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.
And what of my motivations to be angry? Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.” ‘Nuff said.
I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom? I can.
No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now. While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment. So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?
There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross. But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges. What is the risk for my heart? It doesn’t feel good to feel angry. At least, not long term. Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good. It is very self-serving…. downright selfish. But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.
I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order. I appreciate that Mike feels this way too. To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.
When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead. I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger. While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head.
You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.
P.S. I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger. I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net. Lot’s of great practical advice. While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission. I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.
Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! 