SUCCULENTLY NON-SUCCINCT
I thought I was getting better at being more succinct in my post. But this one rambles a bit.
Oh well, if you’ve read most of my posts, that’s just how it goes. Mike calls it, “Chasing butterflies.” I am about to make a point and then, “Oh look, a butterfly.”
For instance, I feel compelled to share this – At first, I had a typo in the word “succinct” in that first sentence of the post. Spell check suggested “succulent.” That made me smile and recognize that I also think I’ve been getting better at being succulent in my posts. Maybe the key is to focus on the succulence and not worry about the succinctness? {insert Seinfeld reference: Kind of like whether I should focus on my import business or my export business.} I digress.
I left off the post before last with having to ask Mike if we can fulfill Kims’ request to watch us have sex. I felt prepared when went to him with this request.
WHY MIGHT THIS HELP?
I had asked Kim what is the outcome she envisions? This is always a great question to ask someone who asks you for their help. Maybe I am the wrong person to deliver what she is looking for or maybe she has unrealistic expectations. Whatever the case, it’s a great question to ask anyone who is asking you for help.
She told me she felt she needed to see sex from a different perspective. One that she felt would be authentic, passionate, and loving. Things she couldn’t find in porn. “Even the amateur stuff lacks authenticity to me.”
“Oh, a budding porn critic, I see,” I said jokingly, “So just how much porn did you watch to come to that conclusion?”
“That’s what I am talking about,” she said. “You are easy to talk to about this stuff. It it doesn’t even phase you to talk about porn.”
Humm. Maybe she is on to something. Sort of a “porn acceptance litmus test” for measuring one’s ability to be vulnerable with someone. That could make for an interesting Ph.D. dissertation. And again, I digress.
She believes that through watching me she can get a sense of what’s it like to be comfortable and at ease at both giving and receiving sexual pleasure. Right now she understands people say this exists, but she just can’t imagine that it really does and perhaps seeing it would help. “Besides,” she said slyly, “not only might it light my fire, but based on what you’ve told me, you love putting on a show, right?”
Hey, she is being both vulnerable and humorous. That’s a good mix!
I asked her more about TJ’s reaction and she assured me he was supportive. He did question her about her motives and what she had in mind. She assured him it was view only mode. “I want to strictly just be a fly on the wall.”
MIKE CALLS FOR EXMOT
Mike has always been very cautious about our “Circle of Trust.” Although he continues to get more and more adventurous. The way he puts it, “I am still cautious, but I am willing to consider more candidates for my vetting.”
His vetting consists of getting to know them a bit more and feeling better about their “EXMOT” as he calls it. Expectations and Motivations. And he requires sharing of lab tests regarding STD’s. In this case, since she is in observe mode, it’s just about the EXMOT.
Oh, I guess this is a good spot to add – we’ve attended several kink/swinger parties throughout the year. Great fodder for some blog posts, if I get to blogging consistently. We’ve met some new friends that we have played with a few times. Not enough to call them permanent members of our COT, but they definitely have guest member status! Yep, our swinging has been in, well, how do a phrase it? Got it! Full swing!
Okay, okay. So what did Mike say? Well, that will have to be for my next post. Gotta go!
Just kidding.
Like TJ, Mike wanted the four of us to meet. So one weekend afternoon, Kayla took J out and about and TJ and Kim came over to our house. We wore clothes. While I told Kim we were nudists and typically were naked at home, we understand that can be a bit distracting or uncomfortable for others, especially as a first impression. This would be there first time meeting Mike, although I shared with him all of the details about them.
THE MEETING
Kim was so nervous and embarrassed. After some normal meet-and-greet pleasantries, it was time to talk about, you know. Kim showed her sense of humor by breaking the ice with, “Time to just get it all out there. Here we are, to talk about my sex phobias. What do you want to know?”
I won’t go into the play-by-play, but I was impressed with Mike. He pointed out that while our experiences are not the same, there were some grains that were relatable. He told her a story about knowing me throughout high school and knowing all the guys I ever dated. I think I mentioned in one of my early posts – Mike has met every single guy I ever dated. And I don’t mean since we got married. Of course, he’s met those men (okay, technically just one, Matt). I mean before we got married.
Mike also pointed out that, like TJ, he was also previously married, although admittedly his first wife wasn’t bisexual. The point was, we all get what it’s like to wonder how we stack up sexually with our partner’s prior experiences.
In her case, because she knew TJ’s ex-wife as a friend, and TJ’s ex-wife was very “sharing” with information, Kim was privy to a certain amount of details. And because Kim basically hounded TJ for even more details, she was aware of a lot, including the threesomes they had. It was probably TMI for anyone to know, let alone someone like Kim who is dealing with a lot of hang-ups about sex.
By the way – – – Long ago Mike and I shared who all our previous sexual partners were. But we knew each other in high school as friends, then dated, then as friends again, before dating again. We just sort of knew without talking about it, which made talking about no big deal. It wasn’t until after we adopted DD that one day the topic came up and we shared all sorts of details. Details about our first this and first that. About funny experiences, not so funny experiences, and plain old fun experiences. It’s so much easier to share that after you’ve established a high degree of confidence in your sexual relationship.
Back to Kim. I thought Mike did a great job of making her feel at ease, and he eventually asked her a lot of specific questions about her thoughts on a variety of sex-related topics.
At first her responses were very guarded but soon she opened up. Mike also kept TJ in the conversation, asking him what he thought of Kim’s responses. It was a bit like an interview, although he did tell them to feel free to ask us any personal questions, which they did. And when they didn’t ask us questions, Mike made it a point to add in his comments about how he viewed things or about things we experienced. At times it felt a bit clinical, especially at first. But soon it felt like longtime friends relaxing and talking about an otherwise sensitive topic as if they were talking about the weather, sports, or vacation tips.
BOND OR BURDEN?
Then Mike said, “I’d like you to excuse us as I want to talk privately with Jen and will be back in a bit.” We went up to our bedroom and had them wait in our living room. Mike asked me about my perception of things. Did I feel she had a screw loose, might flip out at some point, or suck us into some needy, drama-filled void that, in his words, “becomes more of a burden than a bond.”
Mike uses that “burden or bond” phrase to mean are we letting people into our lives that will burden us emotionally or bond with us emotionally. Not necessarily a deep, meaningful, life-long type bonding. Think of it as a bond of friendship. He’s simply saying, “will these people make good friends for us?”
I’d love to credit Mike with being so deliberate in having the foresight and sensitivity to ensure we surround ourselves with people that are good for us. (Kind of like the “Filter” thing I talked about in a prior post). But, not to brag, he credits me with “teaching” him this. Whoever gets the credit, I was proud of how he was handling it.
“Bond! Yes, bond, without a doubt,” I answered.
He asked, “Why do you say that?”
It’s mostly a vibe thing you can’t really quantify. I believe it’s her willingness to be so vulnerable yet still appear strong. To be so nervous and afraid, yet still appear strong. To be totally mortified, yet still appear strong. Someone who is unstable couldn’t do that, or make jokes about it, or have the fortitude to ask us such a thing without having good intentions.
In classic Mike fashion, he responded, “It isn’t the intentions I am worried about, it’s the impact.”
I went into a bit of rant, saying something like, “While we never know for sure how someone will react to anything, it seems a low risk to me to allow her to watch us have sex. What’s the impact? If it does nothing for her then she is no better or worse off. And for us? Hey, we got to have sex in front of somebody. We enjoy that, right? (Jen increases the “whine” factor).
“And her expectations aren’t that she watches us and gets zapped by our sexual chemistry and goes home to fuck like a rabbit the rest of her life. This is just a first step, and if she needs our help with other steps, we can reassess it along the way. It is a BOND up to the point it isn’t. At this point, it isn’t a burden. She is sweet, loving, a good mother, and secure with herself so many ways other than sex. She even has the strength to know her hang-ups are her own. She has a healthy view of sex regarding how she deals with the topic with her children. And her husband is loving, patient, and fully onboard. My vote is to do it.”
Mike thought for a moment. “Okay, sounds good to me, let’s do it.”
I thanked him and as I hugged him he whispered, “I sensed a tone of frustration with me in your little rant, and was that a cuss word I heard?”
Let’s just say it was about another five minutes before Mike returned to our living room, and about ten minutes after that before I returned.
And so it was to be. Kim would watch us have sex. Kim asked that it would just be me and Mike, no Kayla. And for the record, Mike invited TJ to watch, but he declined.
I am not going to go into post-after-post of what transpired when she watched and what went on between then and now. I’ll just jump to the present and tell you where things are today.
Or make that where things are tomorrow, or maybe the next day, or whenever I post next. Yep, I’ll save that info for another post! hee-hee! This cliffhanger thing is kinda fun.
Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! 