Tag Archives: vulnerable

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

189

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin

 

 

134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

134

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something.  Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.”   Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically.  He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you.  You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ”   His retort floored me.  This was very un-Mike like.  It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning.  But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

I’ve made several posts on this subject of vulnerability:  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble,  Post 68 reblog: To Fall in Love…, and Post 129. Vulnerability. Plus…

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment.  The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique.   I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you.  It is about being authentic.  By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what?  The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity.  You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all.  The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection.  It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me.  I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me.   There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits.  Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla.  They get the full and unedited version of Jenny.   I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters).   It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.”  (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move).   And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely can be more so.  THAT was Mike’s point with his comment.  I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures.  But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people.   Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike.  Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two.   Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee.  I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me.  I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail.  Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.”  Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details.  Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike.  I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was.    So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.”   I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it.  But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments.  This isn’t something I have to do.   Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in.  And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOG
Switching gears  – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago.  Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts.   Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts.   And I took notice that by far the most visited post is Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract).   You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement.  Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it.  I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission.  That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so.  But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

NEXT: 135. Kayla and me.

 

68. reblog: To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

This is all about making yourself vulnerable to someone. The effect of doing so causes them to reciprocate and the net effect is that you become closer to that person, perhaps even falling in love.

This was perfect in addressing some of what I was trying to convey in my post #67.

Next:  69.  Hot Dog!  Are you ready for some football?!?

Sex(uality) & the City

in_the_mood_for_love_1200x627

by Mandy Len Catron

This article was originally published in the Modern Love section of The New York Times.

UPDATED: You can now hear this essay read by the actress Gillian Jacobs in Modern Love: The Podcast. Look for the “play” button below or subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. You can also try “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” here or by downloading a free app for your phone, tablet or other device.

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with…

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