30. I found my thrill . . .

No, it wasn’t on Blueberry Hill, unless that is a new nickname for my buttocks!  Ha, you’ll never listen to the song the same!

I hope this post is not overly esoteric.  I try to get to the bottom of my feelings as it allows me to dismiss that feeling when I recognize it as petty or false or to own the feeling when it represents who I want to be or not want to be.  Well, I think I found a way to articulate why I get a thrill from submission.  Unfortunately, in typical Jenny style, it takes a lot of words to explain it.

I was reading an article called the Power of Openness and realized it could have been called the Power of Submission.   Much of the rest of this post is based on re-purposing the points (i.e., gratuitous copying) of that article to reflect how I connected my Submission with the concept of Openness.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream.

This dream was the consequence of how the mind works.  The article calls it the “nature of the mind.”  Once the mind has focused its attention on something, intention automatically appears to us.  “Intention” meaning purpose, aim, goal, or objective. Thus, for a goal oriented person as myself, when I take on something, intention appears to me in spades.  The intention will focus my attention, and by focusing, it must narrow my attention.  It narrows it down to a specific idea and narrows it further down to the specific desires and emotions connected with that idea.  At that moment, my life was no longer under my control, but under the control of the intention.

Put another way, I intended for my life to be x (and y, and z, and every other letter), therefore all my focus was on achieving x, and y, and z (and every other letter).   As such, my attention and focus, my entire consciousness, was obscured and narrowed.  This creates a tension as my alphabet soup of thoughts compete for top priority.  The “tension” of my intention made me have to use more of my energy to stay highly focused on my many specific goals.  The result was that my intentions took control over my actions.  I was not living, I was a slave to my intentions.

My actions were all part of my hopes that someday in the future, my intentions would become reality.  I would achieve my goals and would harvest the fruit of my efforts.  I could then rejoice and be free, having achieved some admirable hopes and dreams.   There are two errors with that thinking.

One is that assuming I did meet my goals, I sacrificed truly living and experiencing life along the way.  Is that really worth it?

The bigger error is that intentions are never-ending.  The hope of making intentions a reality was a futile hope.  It will never happen.  I simply replaced one goal with another as there were so many things I wanted to achieve in life.  All my energies and time are limited, so most of my goals are inaccessible for me.  Even when I reached one (and I reached many), very soon a hundred new ones vied for my attention.

The act of focusing on my intentions was hypnotic.  That hypnotic work locked me up in a prison of my desires and objectives.  That hypnosis made it impossible for me to consider accepting a state of submission.  I was loving life, or so I thought.  What a falsehood. Although I was unable to articulate it at the time, I now understand why that once I opened myself up to the idea of submission, the sense of falseness in my life came rushing in and I immediately knew that submission was my path to truth.

Full submission is a state of pure attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  This level of consciousness is not focusing on anything, it does not aspire to get anywhere, it plainly and simply is here and now.

That is the source of my thrill about submission.  I feel free, I feel clarity, I feel connected, I feel a oneness, I feel an openness.    I am here.  I am present.  I am now.

In my state of submission the fire of desire is not burning in me, my glance is not blocked and obscured by various opinions and thoughts.  My hopes are now in ashes because after a great deal of suffering, I have finally realized that my hopes were the sources of my suffering.  The openness that I have been searching for was available to me from the beginning, it was just locked up behind the bars of my intentions.

This is where the article I mentioned ends, so I am left to connect more dots on my own.

MY HOPES IN ASHES?
It sounds sad that my hopes were the source of my suffering, but I believe the point is hope is just a feeling that weighs you down.  Hope is not a plan.  Hope is like a giant “maybe” weighing around your neck.  Action is where it is at.  Commitments, Duties and Obligations are not hopes.  I freed myself of hopes.  I don’t hope to do anything.  I just do.  And if I fail in my commitments, duties, and obligations, I have clear consequences.  Once I am served those consequences, the failure is immediately dismissed. It is behind me.  I am refocused on the here and now, no “hopes” to weigh me down.

For the author of the article, oneness is about total surrender of the physical, emotional, mental self.  It is a state of pure bliss.  Hmm, that’s how I see my submission.  I guess the unanswered question is whether or not submission in the DD sense or some other submissive “kink”, can provide the level and/or consistency of oneness the author is talking about?   Perhaps not.  We shall see.

I no longer mortgage my present for some elusive promise of the future.  Remember, even if a promise is fulfilled, it is immediately replaced with dozen new mortgages for a dozen new promises.  The more I think as a submissive, the more my mind is freed from my intentions.  As it becomes free, it craves even more freedom, thus my Sub Frenzy.  That freedom not only feels good on the inside, it brings with it a clarity of mind that allows me to live, every moment, every day.   I am more present as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, a daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, you name it.  I am living life.

Through my submission, I will no longer be a slave. I’d like to say “I am no longer a slave,” but I am not there yet.  As long as I have that craving, I am not fully free, I am not fully one.  Satisfying that craving is my new intention, and I can’t be free until I let that intention go.

And so my submission deepens.

NEXT – 31. June Butterflies – 10 Day Total Power Exchange

27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

— Hey!  Yes, you.  Please read all the way through and give me your thoughts on how you’d complete the sentence I give you at the end of this post.  —

Another post about my version of DD. If it helps you get in the mood, know that I am writing this while naked and with nipple clamps very firmly attached for the last 30 minutes or so. This is part of a Reward I earned. I can take the clamps off after an hour. Suffice to say, my nipples are burning. Mike is definitely getting creative with his non-spanking Rewards. So, on to the topic at hand. . .

If you’ve read my contract you know I strive to clearly state how DD works in our household.  As one who tends to obsess over whether intentions are clearly understood, I recently took the further step of codifying what  I call our Doctrine of Submission. I started writing it but had a lot of input from Mike.

While the contract explains HOW we do DD, our doctrine explains WHAT DD means to us. Both are important topics to discuss with your partner. As we evolve I know that our “how” will change, which is why we have set renegotiation periods for our Contract.  In addition, I know that there will be changes in what DD means to us. That is why I believe it is important to write down those beliefs.  Doing so gives us something to refer back to and alter, elaborate, or remove as necessary.  My doctrine is not going to be the same as yours, nor should it.   It should be about whatever you both agree it should be. It can be tricky. It isn’t just about what works for you individually because whatever your doctrine, it must work for both you and your partner if it is to be successful.

Our doctrine is:

• Submission is Love.
• Submission is Personal.
• Submission is Mutual.
• Submission is Beneficial.
• Submission is Counter-culture.
• Submission is Sexy.
• Submission is Fearless.
• Submission is Sensible.

Submission is Love
Forget DD for a moment. Every day, each one of us expresses love in a way where we chose to voluntarily limit what we might naturally do in order to benefit others.   This is true whether DD exists in your life or not. It can be as simple as I’d prefer to have chicken today, but I’ll make steak because I know that is Mike’s favorite. Or, I prefer to sit and do nothing today, but I need to run some errands for my kids. In that context, we all agree those are expressions of love. Those expressions all fit the definition of submission.

Submission is also where I voluntarily limit what I might naturally do in order to benefit others.  Obviously it is about the degree of power, but regardless of the degree, everyone in a loving relationship submits to their partner in some ways each day. It may mean they skip the chicken for the steak, or it may mean they write their blog with clamps burning into their nipples.

Put another way, when some conflict happens in our household, instead of doing what I use to instinctively do such as argue with Mike, I instead show him respect and honor and submit to his wishes.  If he truly loves me, his wishes will not be unreasonable and, due to the mutual transparency, I will see that they are not and I will see his best intentions. Over time this makes it easier and easier to submit, and the submission becomes the new instinct. And remember, I am not brain dead in my submission. I have thoughts, I have a voice, and I do get to use them in a calm and respectful manner (which is why our Maintenance Sessions are so important).

Absolutely. Submission is love and love is submission.

Submission is Personal
Ultimately you must establish your own doctrine based on your relationship.  Each person in a couple needs to work together to define what it means to their relationship and each person must be comfortable with it.

The best thing about DD is that it is whatever you want it to be. There is are no arbitrary set of rules.    It’s all left up to what you and your partner wish it to be.   To clarify, I should say, I believe there shouldn’t be any arbitrary set of rules. I know for some they follow rules that they believe are set in biblical terms such as in Christian Domestic Discipline. That’s not for me, but again, it may be for you.

Submission is Mutual
What?  How can that be?  Every sub has a dom! That doesn’t sound very mutual?

Don’t confuse “mutual” with “equal” or “sameness.”  While authority may be greater with one person, there are still responsibilities that both people must correctly carry out. (“Correct” being a term that the couple has to define for themselves as we have done in our Contract).   Both parties have a role, and they both have their own “submissions.”

Mike must submit to our agreement that requires him to act in certain ways that he would not have acted if not for DD. And while it was not required, Mike has also naturally submitted to me through revealing more of himself to me than ever before (the “transparency” that I mentioned earlier).

Submission is Beneficial
Many people are quick to equate submission with enslavement. It does not enslave me, it frees me. It freed me of the burdens and emotional baggage that weighed me down. It freed me from my creed that once was a positive influence, but had morphed into chains of enslavement as I turned it into meaning that I must always get my way.  I know DD is working for us because it has made both Mike and I better people. We have grown in freedom, joy, and character. This can only be described as beneficial.

Submission is Counter-culture
We have been raised to admire self-reliance, strength, and independence.  Dependence is weakness, you must think and act for yourself, and you are inferior if you do or believe otherwise! These are the lies that are consistently fed to us.  Truth is, even our country (USA) was built on interdependence, community, and mutual aide, but I digress. Truth is we live in a complex and interdependent society and to thrive we must learn to acknowledge our dependence, as well as our strengths and weaknesses.  I am not advocating that you surrender to everyone in a DD sort of way. I am saying you would be more comfortable in surrendering to your partner if not for the societal stigma regarding surrendering anything to anyone. Culturally we are told surrender is weakness, when in fact, it takes courage, strength, and fortitude.

There is also the issue of potential abuse in DD and there are those that would call it abuse no matter what. I acknowledge there is potential for abuse in all things, including DD. I accept that you can’t have physical abuse without hitting, and you can’t have DD without hitting (spanking), but that doesn’t mean that DD is akin to abuse. No more than you can’t have a car crash without a car, but you can have a car without having a car crash.

Submission is Sexy
Surrendering yourself to someone is inherently erotic, as is the act of giving and receiving punishments. There is no getting around addressing how sex and DD will intertwine within your household. At first I looked at sex and DD as distinct, but now I realize there is an overlap. It is up to you and your partner to determine how much overlap.

There was a time when we are doing something sexual that I absolutely knew whether or not that activity was falling under our DD rules or not. Now, the lines are blurred and perhaps no longer exist. I believe this is because DD gave Mike and I the freedom to completely express ourselves sexually. So, when he asks (commands) me to do something sexually, or when I request something sexually, is that DD or is that just us?   The philosophies of transparency that I talked about in my prior post permeates everything we do, so the truth is, the influence of DD is in everything we do. DD is us.

Submission is Fearless
I believe submission terrifies many people because they see it as an absolute. A complete surrender of mind, body, and soul, which has no limitations.   Because of this they won’t even entertain the thought of submission. I believe this hides the real fear… fear of revealing ourselves.

I encourage everyone to fully reveal themselves to their partners. You can try to do this absent punishments, but for me it wouldn’t be the same.

Submission is Sensible
At first DD seemed irrational at best, insane at worst. But once I opened myself to the possibilities, I quickly saw how practical it could be.  Even though I couldn’t articulate it or possibly understand it as I now do, I still sensed it would bring me all the things that I have now received from DD.  I am a more loving person, in a more loving relationship, more energized, playful and respectful than ever before.  I am calm, I am at peace.  It just feels right and has made an immeasurable difference in our lives. It is functional, it is mindful, it is no-nonsense.  It is sensible!

The revelation that Domestic Discipline was Sensible is what motivated me to start this blog! I want others to consider the possibilities it holds for their own relationships. You can strip away the punishments, strip away anything sexual, and what I am advocating is for full and complete transparency in your relationship.  If you can find that without submission, good for you, but I would never have found it without domestic discipline.

There are other things submission means to me, but those are the ones most meaningful to me.  How would you complete the sentence, “Submission is . . . . “

I would love to hear you thoughts   Okay, just about time to remove these clamps!

NEXT – 28. Losing Myself?  (and a sexy story)

26. Submission = Transparency = Love

Where am I today with my DD?  No, this isn’t going to be about the latest punishment.  This one is going to be more the emotional touchy-feeling part of DD.  It’s my favorite part to share, but probably the least fun to read about.  So, “no pull-down your pants and bend over” stories today, but I hope you find it enlightening and thought provoking.

I am sure of me.
Technically I am a relatively newbie to DD, having started this lifestyle 14 months ago in March 2015.   However, I already feel like a veteran.  I have received far greater personal satisfaction from DD than I ever imaged.  I am at peace with myself, my thoughts, my aspirations, and my desires.  I am “sure” of myself.

I am sure of Mike.
My relationship with Mike is almost indescribable.  I can describe it, but it would likely sound like a fairy tale, almost delusional.  But the fact is, we are closer than ever.  We absolutely share everything and do so without judgement and with full acceptance.  The most succinct way I can possibly describe it is that we are sure of each other.  Sure of our intentions, sure of our love, and sure of respect.  This sureness translates into a oneness that again is hard for me to put into words.  I again refer back to the U2 lyric that goes, “We are one, but not the same.”   That’s Mike and I.

Path to Oneness:  Transparency, not Surrender
No question, we could have not have reached this point or have moved there so quickly if it wasn’t for DD. I often think about why that is.  I believe in order to get to complete oneness, someone in the couple must surrender themselves to the other.  To me, surrender is not about enslavement, it is about revealing oneself, it is about transparency.

A full and complete surrender breaks down every emotional wall that stands between you and your partner.  All sense of shame, embarrassment, and self will vanish.  Even though technically you are the submissive one, if you have the right partner they too surrender parts of themselves to you.  Once the “full reveal” is complete, both parties will have achieved total transparency with themselves and with each other.  They can now see, feel, touch, and explore both themselves and the other like never before.  This creates the self-actualization within both individuals, and leads to the oneness with each other.

Is DD the only way?
Of course not.  But it was the way for me.  For me, I can’t imagine getting to the level of surrender that would lead to complete transparency in any way other than DD.  If you can find some other way that works for you, go for it – but I encourage you to find that way, because complete transparency is truly amazing!

Why must one first surrender to the other?
I lack any research and can only surmise that it is much like a “you go first” mentality that humans have about revealing themselves.  Absent something dramatic, “the reveal” can take many years of incrementally sharing more of yourself with your partner.  I believe most of us go through life without ever fully revealing to our partner our thoughts, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, compulsions, hang-ups, kinks, etc.  And I don’t mean just hinting around those things, but actually clearly and consistently sharing those things.   It is just too uncomfortable, even with a life-long partner.

Once one person fully surrenders, something magical happens that causes the other to surrender as well. Each person becomes “sure” of themselves, and in turn, becomes “sure” of each other.  While technically only one person has “surrendered” and is the submissive, both people have given of themselves to achieve total transparency in the relationship.

Thinking about that is so sad to me now.  I think of all the years that I wasn’t 100% present to Mike, and that he wasn’t 100% present to me.  In the past I would have told you our relationship was great.  I was oblivious to what “great” really meant.  Frankly, I didn’t realize this level of greatness existed.  I didn’t understand transparency.  Thanks to DD, I do now.   Submission equals transparency equals love.
Next – 27 Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission