288. About dad

I thought I’d share a bit about my dad.   While a bit mundane, the truth is, most of life is pretty mundane, even for a bisexual, polyamourous, submissive, naturist, sexually adventurous person like myself! 

As shared in my last post, my dad died recently – just before Thanksgiving.   He was very much a product of his upbringing.  Like most people, he had a difficult time separating that upbringing with what truly made him happy.  He grew up in a very Anglo-Saxon-protestant-closed-minded-swallow-your-feelings-do-as-expected-the man-is-in-charge-appearance-over-substance family.   From what he shared with me about his father, it sounded like his father had it even worse than him, as did his father before that.  It’s as if each generation slowly shed this archaic and unhappy way of thinking, living, and loving.    

As part of this, my dad learned to drink his problems away, which clearly doesn’t work.  And when it doesn’t, the go-to is to then blame any problems on others — especially anyone “different.”   However, he also unlearned these things.  His life was very much one of transformation, into a thoughtful, loving, caring, and yes, even nurturing individual.   Having his own family – and namely my mother – is what changed him.  But it didn’t happen overnight.  

I never fully experienced the “old” version of my dad.  By the time I was born he had shunned most of his former ways (drinking, cheating, gambling, fighting — yeah, he spent some time in the county jail from various bar fights, drunk & disorderly, stuff like that).  My siblings experienced more of that version of him. 

He spent a long time trying to figure out how to be a good person.  It started with him first going down the path of trying to just be a good husband.  It took him a long time to get that right.  By the time I was born, (I am the youngest) he saw it as his last opportunity to get fatherhood right.  He worked hard to complete that path.  

He was present for me.  That’s saying a lot, as frankly, it all starts with being present for your kids.  Then, of course, it is about what happens when you are present.  My dad was involved and showed interest in all that I did, even making sure we had our own father-daughter outings without mom.   I felt loved, accepted, and special.  As a child, you can’t really ask for much better feelings than those.  I know I was fortunate that the dad I knew was not the dad my siblings knew or the person my mom first married. 

I think in some families this would have been fodder for resentment from my siblings, but honestly, it was the opposite.  They all were happy for me and for my mom – and for my dad.   While I am sure a part of them feels sorrow for what they missed out on, their lament never became resentment.  For that, all credit goes to my mom.  

My mom never made her kids feel responsible for their dad’s actions.  And she worked tirelessly to fill us with joyful experiences such that we never felt a void from our father.  And while my coming along was the impetus for his final transformation, it wasn’t a switch that suddenly flipped.   It did take him a little time with some backsliding — however, I was always oblivious to this as mom never let on as to what was going on.  Simply put, she allowed me and my siblings to experience the best of him and she shielded us from the worst. 

I often think of how hard that was on mom.  In many ways, the love we had for dad was undeserved and unearned.  If only we knew.  Ah, yes, what if we did?  What if we were exposed to his ugliness?   I can only imagine.   Instead, each of us was exposed to his love, to whatever extent he was able to give it at the time.  For me, it was a lot, and I will always be thankful to my mom for allowing him to express it and for me to experience it, absent any ill thoughts. 

And how do I know all of this?  Dad was very aware of his transformation and very open about talking about it.  Mom actually says little about it.  She never complained about how he once did this or once did that.  But he often apologized, openly and in front of us,  for having done certain things.   

He wanted us to understand who he was and who he had become so that we could understand that people can indeed change.  As a result, he also taught us that a lasting and joyful change can only be fueled by honesty, openness, and love.   And again, as much as I could credit my dad for teaching this lesson, it isn’t lost on me, nor was it ever lost on him, that this would have not been possible if not for my mom. 

She didn’t accept his behaviors and she even left him once for a time.  But despite his actions she still loved him.  Why?  I don’t know.  You can’t really explain love.  His actions would certainly be enough for most people to fall out of love.  Mom shared with me that she always saw that the best of him was always within him.  As long as she sensed it was in him, she couldn’t stop loving him. 

My dad was a fantastic grandfather to my kids.  He totally accepted T1 and treated him the same as all other grandkids (as a reminder, T1 is not my biological son, he is Mike’s from a prior relationship).   To be clear, T1 is my son, biology or not.  I am also grateful that my children got to experience the best version of my dad as possible, as have my nieces and nephews.      

Politics?  Family?   If you have only read my last few posts you’re probably confused as to what kind of blog this is.    Well, it’s a Jenny kind of blog!   I know the kink is more interesting, but there are times I need to show a bit of the person behind the kink. 

Yes, I am a wife, mother, PTA attending, suburban-living, middle-aged housewife living a pretty normal life.  It’s just wrapped in a lifestyle that is a bit unconventional (to put it mildly).  Domestic Discipline and all the other “stuff” that goes with “My DD” are things that I do and a part of who I am.  The occasional diversion into posts about other stuff is to help remind you that such things do not define all of who I am. 

Yeah, I am pretty normal.  For instance, just the other day after sex with my neighbors, my husband spanked me because . . .     

Next: 289.  The holidays – Thanksgiving

47. Birth of a Dom

As with many posts, to fully understand some of my references you may want to refresh yourself with my Contract, especially regarding Immediate Rewards and our Rewards Ceremony, and be aware of our temporary Attitude Adjustment reminders.

This is a long post, which I really try to avoid, but I think it has something for those that like the added insights, context, and emotions, and for those that like the saucy spanking stories.

I’ve created a Dominant!  As my Domestic Discipline has become more focused on Service and Submission and as I become more submissive, it stands to reason my husband therefore has become more Dominant.   Recent events made the transition official.

Let me preface this by saying that there are likely some of you in a D/s relationship who wouldn’t identify what we are doing as D/s.  I get it.  Labels can be difficult to affix to any relationship, as there are likely many inconsistencies you can find with any label you use for your relationship, but ultimately you settle on the one that seems to be the most consistent, but not exact.   I still think of TTWD as DD, and probably will for some time, but clearly, there is a march towards a more D/s relationship as evidenced by what I am sharing today.

Our recent Argument marked a transition from Mike taking his lead from me, where he responds to my duties and obligations, to one where he simply takes the lead, and creates my duties and obligations. The bit of irony in this is that a lot of the behaviors Mike exhibits are the same ones I used to call our neighbor a jerk for doing to his wife.  Of course, that was before I knew they had their own version of DD, D/s, M/s going on.  It may sound like I don’t like this transition in Mike, but far from it.  I am just pointing out that bit of irony.  Something I once saw in someone as “jerkiness,” I now see in my husband as loving – and in fact, I want it and crave it from him.

Here’s what happened:

If you’ve read most of journey you know I often refer to this as “My version of DD” and that “my DD” is all about me.  That’s been very true.  Mike has followed my lead when it comes to setting rules and punishments.  It wasn’t lost on me that when I asked him to come up with ideas for the “Attitude Adjustments” that he came up with all of them without my input.  And he didn’t present them as options or in a way that conveyed they were up for discussion.  He just said what they were going to be and that was that.  I really liked that!

What I didn’t like was that he has been very strict with me since implementing those “adjustments.” I’ve received countless more punishments over the last few days and at first began to feel there was an overtone of anger or resentment coming from Mike.    I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings in the past as his intentions have always been nothing more than loving when it comes to our DD.  If you read other stories, hopefully you see just how true that is.  However, it got to the point that it was getting hard for me to dismiss those feelings.

To keep this post short, I created a separate post that gives you an example of the events of the last few days.    Click here to read about those last few days.  
If you want to skip the details (those that like punishment stories should not skip), read on now. If you are returning from reading the details, welcome back!
. . . . .
. . . . .
Mike:  “I was going to wait until your Maintenance Session to explain, but I just couldn’t let you go on feeling what I can see in your eyes that you are feeling.  So, I decided we will have that talk now.”

He said he feels he has “consistently been inconsistent” since we started DD, and part of that is because he was always trying to follow what I explicitly wanted.  Even though the contract gave him a lot of latitude, if there was some behavior that wasn’t explicitly in the contract, he would either let it go, or get clarification from me first.  He said the reason he knew the contract so well was because he read it a thousand times.  He always wanted to make sure he was only doing what I wanted.  He told me that he has come to believe that what I now truly wanted was not for him to just follow my lead, but to actually just lead.  That meant he needed to go beyond just seeing if I failed to meet my own expectations, and then tying MY intended consequence to that transgression.  He had to actually set his own expectations of me and set my consequences.

He explained it best something like this,

“Think of it this way, Jen.   You expect ‘x’ of yourself and if you don’t do ‘x’ you have asked me to deliver the “y” as a consequence.   What did I bring to that event?  Just my body to give a punishment.  Not my mind, not my feelings, not my expectations.  That has worked up until recently, especially because I had no idea what I was doing at first or what it was you really wanted.  But we have both grown to a new level of understanding about what our DD means to us and how to use it, and you have grown to want more service and submission.  I believe in order to truly serve and submit the way you now want and need it, we need to change the equation.  The equation should be, I expect ‘x’ of you and if you don’t do ‘x’ then I deliver whatever “y” consequence I deem appropriate.”

Wow.  Yes, he was asking to lead.  He was asking to be Dominant.

He asked, “So, is that what you want from me?”

“Yes, Sir, absolutely,” I answered enthusiastically.

“So how am I doing,” he asked?

“Wonderfully.” And with a slight pause I added with the tone of a verbal approving wink, “Sir.”

We talked some more and at least for now, no dramatic changes in my rules, just a strict enforcement.  With that he said my “Adjustment” period was over and he said, “That doesn’t mean we get rid of the tack bra.  In fact, I want you to use your sewing and craft skills to make a better one.  That’s your first new order.”

“Yes, Sir!”

Next:  48. Birth of Dom. Back story.  If you didn’t read it, you can read it now!

34. M/s immersion complete

Immersion complete!

I don’t know where to start or what to share first.  I believe it will take many posts to share some of the ups and down of our foray into a Master/slave dynamic.

To summarize, it was exhilarating and exhausting, arousing and mundane, sensible and absurd.  While always in the veil of serving Mike, it also had moments of self-absorption and self-reflection.  Overall it was a positive experience and I am glad we did it.

I learned that M/s is not for us; however, there are elements we are taking back to what now appears to us as our tame and “normal” domestic discipline arrangement.

I’ll share some specifics on future posts but want to share now that the most surprising part of it for me was how physically demanding it was.  I had thought of quitting at one point as I was just exhausted.  I was trying hard to not show my fatigue but Mike could clearly see it.  The night of day 7 he allowed me to take a warm bath, (all bathing prior to this was with cold water).  He then put me to bed early and put a blindfold on me, put on some sound effect app that played the sound of water rushing through a river, and he turned out the lights.  In addition to going to bed early, I got to sleep until I woke up on my own.  That rest and lovely gesture was just the medicine I needed as I was ready to take on the last three days with a full head of steam.

As a tease, some of the more interesting stories were when we needed a plumber and Mike made me stay naked during the service call, or some of the things Mike and John worked out regarding me and Donna, or our attending two FetLife functions, or the several new toys/implements Mike surprised me with.  Mike also came up with two new punishment techniques, both of which are easily at the top of my least favorite list.  Also, I will share the things we are taking into our daily DD routine/rules.  Lastly, we “celebrated” the end of the immersion with getting my nipples pierced, which also has a fun story attached (although not as salacious as I had hoped it would be).

We have a few days to mentally and physically re-set and our son will be back home. Given that it is summer, our DD and TTWD will occur less frequently since our son will mostly be home.  DD is so inconvenient, but Mike and I have already devised a plan to make sure we don’t ignore it.

Next: 35. Calisthenics of Doom & a Tease 

14. Year One Reflections. Good, Bad, Growing Sexual Subtext?

I had promised to share my first Reward session in this post, but I thought of one more important item to address before doing that.  While I will get into sharing some of the specific experiences that served as unique “landmarks” in my DD journey, I decided first it was important to share a few things I learned about DD in our year of practicing it.  So, here’s the good, the bad, and the growing sexual subtext.

The Good.
I thought DD would have to be a constant focus, but it has just become normal in my day-to-day life.  It doesn’t even seem like a “thing” anymore.  We just do it.  We’re just used to it.  It is part of who we are.

DD has been more effective in quickly helping me love life, every moment, every day, than I could have imaged.  I am happier than I’ve ever been, things are better than they’ve ever been with my relationship with Mike and my kids.  Things are more orderly (a sort of a managed chaos, so not perfect, but at least managed).

Mike and I are truly one.  Mike and I never fight.  Literally never.  Not figuratively, and not literally as in the way the word literally gets use to describe something figuratively – but the old fashioned sense of the word “literal.”  We just do not argue.  Now, argue is not the same as disagree.  We do disagree.  Less than before, but a disagreement is not rare.  The difference is we have this amazing mechanism for handling it.  We respectively address everything in a timely manner.

In addition, Mike looks for opportunities to help me. He is a partner in the things that are important to me, more than he ever was.  He is more attentive to me emotionally.  I cannot describe the feelings we have for each other, other than to say we are one.  As the U2 song goes, “we are one, but not the same…”   That’s us.

The Bad
I don’t think it is believable to say there is no bad.  But, nothing comes to mind that I honestly can say is a bad consequence of our decision to get into DD.  Not to say there weren’t a bad moment or two when we first started living it (like my first spanking), but those were moments in time and not something ongoing.  The first thing that comes to mind when I think of what I don’t like about our DD relationship is that it can be so damn inconvenient.  That’s primarily because we have a child in the house.  It is very common for us to administer spankings only after Mike has to turn the televisions up, lock our bedroom door, turn on the shower, and we go into our bathroom or master closet.

Growing Sexual Subtext?
At first I felt sex and DD were distinct, but I’ve come to see that they are definitely related.  Not the same, but related, and we can thank human physiology and psychology for that.

• Physiology:  Why is it that DD is so focused on the ass and/or breasts (in our DD) and/or even the pussy in other DD relationships?  It is easy to feel discomfort with slaps or pinches to the hands, back, ears or tongues, why not focus on those body parts? The difference is the sensation of blood flowing to our privates!  The spanking and pinching cause blood to flow to those area and while it still hurts, it just feels better to have it flowing in certain places.  And not only does it flow to your ass cheeks, but the same major blood vessel supplying your ass also supplies your privates (for both men and women).  So, yes, a spanking to the ass can actually deliver a tingle to your genitals.  Note this is true of parents spanking their children and why that is just F’d up.  Anyway, spanking is physiologically sexual, regardless of the intent.
• Psychology: There are no negative connotations with the hands, back, ears, or tongue.  If someone puts their hand on my back in public, nothing is thought of it.  But grab my boob?
  There is something naughty about it.  And something submissive about allowing anyone to touch you “there” and something dominant about touching someone “there.”  Just the thought of those touches becomes sexual, whether we admit it or not.

Okay, so if it is similar but not the same, how is it different?   I guess that is where it depends on the person.  I imagine many people are so sexually turned on by spanking that it is very much like sex.  For them, spanking is sex.  I get it.  That’s just not me.  I do feel a sexual stimuli.  I know it is there, I recognize it often, but it is faint.  The best analogy I can think of is spanking is to sex like alcohol is to getting drunk (at least for me). Now there are flaws in that analogy, but here’s my point – I can have a drink and not get drunk.  I can be spanked and it not be sex.

However . . .  

I do recognize a growing sexual subtext in our DD relationship.  We started with nothing sex based, and now have several sexual based items in our contract.  I often think about what led me to want those in the Agreement (they were my idea).  Clearly it is that I get a level of sexual gratification from a spanking.  As I said before, for me, that gratification is present, but it is light – but it’s good, and just a little good, so, I want a little more, and a little more, like a drug.  And the brain is very much treating it like a drug.  So, I need to increase the sensations and thus increase the punishments.  I am VERY AWARE OF THIS.  I often think about what this means as we continue on our journey.  I want to keep our sex life distinct from my Rewards.  Right now it is, but I can see where it could be heading.  This is partly why I wanted a two year agreement this time around.  I didn’t want to be tempted to add more sexual based Rewards.   I do sense the desire will be there when our contract expires.  I have to commit to some boundary.  I’ll deal with that when the time comes.

Okay, next post I will share our first experience where Mike spanked me.

NEXT – 15. My First  Day.  100 Spankings of Thanks

13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”

In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD.  I have now done that. Now what?

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I  plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.

MY STYLE?
Not sure.  Blogging may bring out a different side of me.  I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way.  Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that.  If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.

So, instead of,  “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”

I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.   

I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.

DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?

Yes and no.  I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog.  We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.

I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations.  So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later.  Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information.  Mike did agree I could use our real first names.  Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already.  Perhaps that is story #2?).

Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so.  I can’t wait to hear his comments.

Next – 14. Year One Reflections, the Good, the Bad, and the growing Sexual Subtext

12. Our DD Contract

The length of this post will probably discourage you to read it, but I am so proud of our “creation” that I wanted to share it in its’ entirety.

Although we wanted a simple contract, we also wanted to be concise regarding intent, as there is a lot that is left to Mike’s discretion.  Remember, this is our third iteration of a contract and some of the details were added to specifically address real-life situations that came up so that the contract would continue to guide Mike as close to my wishes as possible.  If you read my other posts, you know that my version of DD is a selfish one where the rules are established on my terms.

I am happy to answer any questions about any part of this.

So, if you have some time to kill, have at it.   – and I apologize in advance for some formatting glitches as this didn’t copy and paste well. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Discipline Agreement for Mike and Jennifer

Table of Contents

1. Purpose
2. Definitions
3. Effective Date, Term, and Renegotiations
4. Duties and Obligations
5. Rewards
6. Maintenance Sessions
7. Journal Requirements

Whereas Mike and Jennifer wish to voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, wish to enter into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE. Establish a caring, consensual, fair set of obligations and duties that will have a positive impact on the life of Mike and Jennifer by codifying and reinforcing their commitments to one another with the purpose of helping Jennifer live the life she desires for herself, thereby allowing her to love life, every moment, and every day. The word “always” is intended to precede every condition set forth in this agreement, even if the word “always” was not used, as Jennifer and Mike agree to always be bound by the Agreement without exception, during the term of this Agreement.

Mike’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Jennifer, I love you with all my being and admire and respect all that you do for me and this family. I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated and together we can continue growing our love and respect for each other. Thank you for your tremendous trust and confidence, and most importantly, for your love. I enter into this agreement with the promise to adhere to your wishes in helping you fulfill the obligations you have committed to.

Jennifer’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Mike, I can’t thank you enough for taking this journey with me and having the love and respect necessary to do this. I have always held myself to high standards, first and foremost to myself, but also for you and our kids. I take responsibility for myself and I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as it was my idea and largely of my writing. This Agreement gives me the framework, with your assistance, to help me meet my own standards more consistently. I surrender so much of myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS.

1. Transgressions: Violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations
2. Rewards: A consequence of Jennifer’s Transgression(s). Other commonly understood terms given to such consequences include but are not limited to “punishment,” “penalty,” “spanking,” or “discipline.” Jennifer selected to use the term Reward to reflect Mike’s and Jennifer’s agreement that the consequences for Transgressions are the key to achieving her goal to continue to grow towards the person she wants to be. Anything that helps her towards this goal is therefore a Reward.
   1. Physical Rewards are those that include physical contact of Jennifer by Mike, such as a spanking.
   2. Non-Physical Rewards are those that exclude physical contact of Jennifer by Mike, such as a time-out or withholding of privileges.
   3. Additional Rewards are those that Mike may add in addition to the Rewards specified in this agreement, subject to Section V of this Agreement.
   4. Immediate Rewards begin with an immediate Physical Reward. For instance, a spanking that is administered immediately on the spot. Its purpose is to provide an element of “shock and awe” when Mike determines it is needed in order to provide the most effective Reward. It allows Jennifer to know that at any time she could be seconds away from a Reward if Mike determines her behavior calls for it.
   5. Prompt Rewards do not immediately begin with a Physical Reward. For instance, Jennifer is directed to her room to wait for Mike to come and present the Reward. It is Jennifer and Mike’s expectation that most rewards will be Prompt.
   6. Delayed Rewards can not immediately begin with a Physical Reward or Prompt Reward, such as when in a public place or when an Immediate or Prompt Reward is not practical.

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION

1. 1. TERM Mike and Jennifer agree to these terms effective October 17, 2015, and these terms remain valid until changed by Renegotiation. The next scheduled Renegotiation Date is in two (2) years, on October 17, 2017, and any changes, suspension, or termination of this Agreement are subject to the Renegotiation Stipulations.
   2. RENEGOTIATION
      1. Renegotiation Stipulations All terms and conditions of this contract remain in effect until commencement of the negotiation process. Mike and Jennifer shall meet on October 17, 2017 to discuss renegotiation of this Agreement. If the parties are unable to meet on the Renegotiation Date, both parties must mutually agree on an alternative Renegotiation Date.Any alternative date must be set no later than November 17, 2017. Failure to meet by that date will result in automatic renewal of the contract under its present terms and the Renegotiation Date will be reset by one full year, to October 17, 2018. If future Renegotiation Dates do not result in completion of the Renegotiation Process, the contract will continue to automatically renew in one-year increments in perpetuity.If either party purposely avoids a Renegotiation, this contract can be terminated with cause by either Jennifer or Mike by November 17, in the year the Renegotiation was avoided.
      2. Renegotiation Process / Suspension and Resumptions of Rewards
         The Renegotiation is to review this contract and update it as necessary.   It is not a review or critique of anyone’s performance under the contract. Such performance reviews are exclusive to Maintenance Sessions.At the prescribed date and time of the renegotiation, the parties will meet to discuss the changes they wish to make.The meeting will begin by Mike declaring “The Renegotiating Meeting is now in order.”Upon that declaration, the terms of this contract become suspended. Jennifer is free to express herself in any manner, no longer bound by any of the terms of this agreement. This allows Jennifer to speak freely and frankly and fully express herself without concern of punishment, retribution, rewards, or any other negative consequences. While Jennifer is free to speak without conditions, Jennifer understands the importance of maintaining an environment that is in keeping with the love and respect she desires for herself and her relationship with Mike. As such she desires to keep the conversation forward thinking, and not resurface long settled issues. For example, instead of a critique of “I wish you would have…” or “I hated it when…” she will strive to frame things in a forward thinking manner such as, “Next time I would like…” or “Going forward I want to…”Jennifer will speak first and discuss what has worked well and what can be improved. Allowing her to speak first recognizes that this Agreement is ultimately her Agreement that she is in control. Mike will then speak and dialogue will continue until all changes in terms have been agreed upon and a new contract is signed by both parties.When signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Renegotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.”If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, then Mike will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time}.”Upon that declaration, the suspension is over and all duties and obligations are in full effect until Mike calls the next Renegotiation meeting to order.

SECTION IV. DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

1. 1. General Duties and Obligations
      1. Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding her moral commitments she has made under this Agreement. She shall defer to Mike’s judgement as to the interpretation or application of any Transgression or Reward.
      2. Mike shall strive to reflect the spirit of this Agreement and never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable to her promises she made to herself.   It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be responsible to Mike for any and all of her Transgressions. Jennifer wishes, requests, and demands that Mike address every Transgression with an appropriate Reward as quickly as possible. If Jennifer feels Mike is performing otherwise, she will respectively discuss it during Maintenance Sessions.
   2. Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations
      1. Honesty: It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to always be unquestionably honest in all her interactions with Mike. It is at Mike’s discretion to determine if that honesty is in question and the mere doubt as to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest, as her honesty must be unquestionable.
         Dishonesty includes withholding the truth, embellishing a story, or withholding important information from Mike. Important information is any information that Jennifer should know is important to Mike. Jennifer should not bother Mike with trivial things or unnecessary details. Important information is any information that Mike labels as such at his complete discretion. Jennifer must learn to recognize what is important information to share with Mike and what is trivial. 
         
      2. Obedience:  Obedience includes Respecting Mike as the Head of Household, Physical Self-Care, Emotional Self-Care, Household Cleanliness, and Finances.
         1. Respecting Mike as head of household.
            – It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to be unquestionably obedient to Mike and do what she is told without hesitation and without body language that Mike may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Mike’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Mike. This includes any instruction Mike gives her on any topic.
            – Jennifer must always respond “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” when having conversations with Mike whether in public or private. The only exceptions are when we are in the presence of family or friends who are unaware of their DD lifestyle.
            – Jennifer is not permitted to cuss at Mike. Cussing at Mike will result in both being subject to both an Obedience and Emotional Self-Care transgression.
            – Sexual Obedience: Jennifer may ask for any sexual act to be performed upon or by her and it is at Mike’s discretion to allow or deny it. Mike may ask for any sexual act to be performed upon or by Jennifer and Jennifer cannot refuse, regardless of the act. Jennifer must also share any sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has. She may address concerns regarding any sexual acts at the next Maintenance Session following the performance of the act. If she does not wish to do that act again or requests a change in how it is done, Mike must either discontinue or modify said act the next time it is to be performed.
         2. Physical Self-Care: Jennifer must look after her own physical well-being; bathing before bedtime, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities), maintaining combed hair that is neat and controlled, going to regular doctor, dental, and optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking any meds as prescribed, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.) as agreed upon, and getting good rest. Jennifer will maintain her pubic area according to Mike’s wishes, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, or grow out her pubic hair.
         3. Emotional Self-Care: The facets of this care include Feelings, Workload, Masturbation, and Journaling.
            1. Feelings: Jennifer must never sacrifice her own feelings for someone else’s other than Mike or their children. This includes overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Mike will tell Jennifer if she needs to decrease her attention on others and Jennifer will comply with his instructions.   Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings and any cussing directed at Mike will be subject to both a Transgression of Obedience and of Emotional Self-Care.
            2. Workload: Jennifer must not take on more than she can handle. Mike will know when this has occurred because of how Jennifer is impacted when she is over worked. That impact manifests itself through things that include but are not limited to: missed deadlines for completion of various tasks, missed doctor appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or any other item that was needed for that errand, leaving the house without a fully charged cell phone, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged). Other indicators are at Mike’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report.
               Workload also includes completion of household chores. Neither Jennifer or Mike intend for Jennifer to do all the cleaning but Jennifer is responsible for identifying any household duties that need to be completed, whether or not she is able to immediately address them. This ensures Mike is aware that Jennifer is aware of the need, and they can set expectations on when those chores must be addressed. Mike will continue to perform household cleaning as is able, and Jennifer will do the same; however, Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, socialize in any manner, be on the computer, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when there are household duties to perform. At some point Mike may assign a time at which Jennifer must complete the chore. In addition, Jennifer will not behave in a manner that increases the household chores such as leaving trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out on end tables, towels on the floor, etc.
            3. Masturbation: Jennifer must make time to masturbate to climax at least once a week not including Maintenance Session and such time can not include time when Mike is in bed with her as this is meant as her own personal time alone. If Mike is home, she needs to ask permission if she can go masturbate; otherwise, she is free to do it when can so long as it occurs once a week.
            4. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain an adequate daily journal as described in Section VIII. Journaling.
         4. Finances: Jennifer must keep within her monthly budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities such as food and toiletries without Mike’s consent. If something needs to be return, she is to promptly return it.  
         5. Safety:
            1. Risk of Accident or Injury: Jennifer must not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others as determined at Mike’s discretion. This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed it or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Mike will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.
            2. Risk of Judgment of Family or Friends: As Jennifer and Mike recognize that others may unfairly judge them for their DD lifestyle, or may misconstrue the meaning of that lifestyle such that Jennifer or Mike may be at risk of harm, Jennifer and Mike agree not to share their involvement with this lifestyle with anyone unless they mutually agree to do so.

SECTION V: REWARDS

1. Rewards General Guidelines:   It is Jennifer’s duty and obligation to fully accept any and all rewards prescribed under this Agreement. Jennifer had significant input and accepts that she is the sole author of these Rewards even if she had input from Mike. Jennifer created these Rewards for herself and of her own free will. They reflect her full wishes and she gives her full and complete consent to Mike to administer these Rewards and agrees to hold Mike harmless of any and all injury that results.
   1. It is Jennifer’s intent that the Rewards remain significant enough as to cause an appropriate level of discomfort for her such that she will wish to avoid such a Reward in the future.
   2. Jennifer gives Mike full and ultimate authority to determine an appropriate Reward and Mike may use his discretion to provide Additional Rewards if he feels the prescribed Reward is not providing the level of discomfort that Jennifer intended for her Rewards. Other reasons for Additional Rewards include but are not limited to Delayed Rewards where Rewards could not be given promptly where Mike feels Jennifer should not have put herself in the position of a Delayed Reward. Other reasons for Additional Rewards can be repeated transgressions for the same or similar Duty and Obligation.
   3. If Jennifer feels a Reward was not in keeping with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Reward and accept the Reward as given without complaint. Jennifer may journal any concerns and the next Maintenance Session will provide her opportunity to seek clarification.
   4. Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving a Reward. “Hold on” would instruct Mike to slow down or lessen the intensity. “Mercy” would instruct Mike to stop the Reward. The Reward would not be canceled, but would be postponed an appropriate amount of time or modified to allow Jennifer to ultimately accept her Reward. It is at Mike’s discretion to postpone or modify but Jennifer is free to continue using safe words throughout the continuation of a Reward and Mike must continue to postpone or modify as needed. No additional Reward is given due to the use of any safe word.
2. Reward Timing:   Rewards are to be primarily administered promptly, but may be Immediate if Mike feels Jennifer will benefit the most from immediate action. When a Prompt or Immediate Reward is not possible, it is to be administered as soon as reasonably possible and will be referred to as a Delayed Reward.  When out in public, reasonable actions must be taken to ensure a Prompt Reward. Those actions include but are not limited to finding a family bathroom that Mike and Jennifer can go into, pulling over to a reasonably private area and administering the Reward in the car, or leaving an event to return home for the Reward. Deciding how or if to Reward while out in public will be at Mike’s sole discretion. If the Transgression occurs at home and there are guests or kids present, Mike has discretion to give a Prompt or Delayed Reward.
3. Rewards Ceremony:
   1. 1. Ceremony Integrity: Rewards are to be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner. The purpose of the Reward is for Jennifer to remain Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered and appropriate After Care is required. Mike will close the Ceremony with a clear and declarative statement to indicate with the Ceremony has ended.
         1. 1. Reflective: Sufficient discomfort should result so that Jennifer is reminded to reflect on her duties and obligations and how she could have avoided her transgression. In addition to the discomfort, Mike may lecture Jennifer, either before or during the Reward so that she may properly reflect on her Transgression.
         2. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is only to herself, and not to Mike or anyone else, as she has made these commitments to herself alone, and thus can only feel remorseful to herself for letting herself down.
         3. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically surrendered during the Reward, granting Mike the authority to deliver the Reward he feels is in keeping with the intent of this Agreement. This means no pulling away, pushing Mike’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Reward.
         4. After care: Mike is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintain a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. Neither Mike nor Jennifer will talk about the Reward she just received as all focus is on their love and on reassurance for Jennifer.
         5. Closing Ceremony: Mike will say “all is forgiven” and Jennifer will respond “all is forgiven” as a sign that she has forgiven herself for her Transgression and also holds no negative feelings towards Mike for administering the Reward and that Mike holds no lingering feelings about the Transgression. Life moves on in peace. Any aspect of Prompt, Immediate, Delayed, and Additional awards may be modified by Mike at his discretion so long as they maintain Ceremony Integrity. Jennifer is never to question a Reward and always accept the Reward given. She may later ask for clarification during a Maintenance Session subject to the terms of a Maintenance Session.
      2. Prompt Awards:
         1. 1. Mike will instruct Jennifer to go to her room. This instruction may be direct and verbal, or may be a non-verbal, disapproving nod from Mike (to be used when kids or guests are present).   Jennifer will excuse herself and go to her room.
         2. Upon entering the room Jennifer will disrobe completely (if no guests or children are present/awake in the house), or remain clothed if there are others in the house or children that are awake.
         3. Jennifer will stand facing the designated corner waiting for Mike. Absent any other instructions from Mike, her posture will be upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. Mike may prescribed a variation, such as sitting in a chair or kneeling, or standing with a quarter pressed against Jennifer’s nose and wall, or standing with arms out to her side.
         4. Upon Mike’s entrance into the room, Mike may remain silent and leave Jennifer in the corner until he is ready to continue the Reward. Jennifer is to remain silent. Mike will then instruct Jennifer to either retrieve an implement or he will simply call Jennifer over.
         5. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Mike with her eyes open and her head bowed.
         6. Mike speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is due this Reward. Jennifer must look up and into Mike’s eyes and accurately state why she is receiving the Reward, else Additional Rewards may be earned. Her statement should be spoken clearly and matter-of-factly so that Mike can easily hear. If Mike has to ask her to repeat herself she will earn additional Rewards. She must apologize for not living up to the standards she has set for herself and letting no one down except herself. She must thank Mike in advance for recognizing her transgression and for presenting her Reward, and accept and ask for the reward that is to come. She is to maintain eye contact with Mike as she speaks and return to bowing her head after she has completed speaking. While it does not need to be verbatim, her statement should sound something like this, “Mike, I am sorry for doing x, as that does not live up to the standard I have set for myself and I have let no one down except myself. Thank you for noticing the transgression and for presenting me with this reward so that I may reflect on my transgression and not repeat it. I gladly accept the Reward you are about to give me. Please give me my Reward now.”
         7. Mike will thank Jennifer for recognition of the transgression and Mike will lecture Jennifer as he deems appropriate. When Mike has completed lecturing Jennifer, he will instruct her as to the position she must take. Mike is free to continue lecturing during the Reward.
         8. Jennifer will go across Mike’s knee unless Mike has prescribes an alternative position.
         9. Warm up of 10 swats by hand.
         10. Commencement of Reward.
         11. Appropriate After-Care.
         12. Closing Ceremony.
4. Immediate Rewards
   1. Jennifer agrees to be subject to an Immediate Reward at any time, at any place, with no exception. If Mike is comfortable administering the Reward in a given location, Jennifer must accept the Reward in that location, regardless of how public or private it may be.
   2. Mike will immediately direct Jennifer to pull down or remove her pants and panties. He does not need to explain why.
   3. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply. She is not to move from the spot she is standing and must immediately and quickly bare her bottom and immediately and quickly bend over without Mike instructing her to do so.
   4. Mike will then give her the Reward. There are no warm-ups as the purpose of Immediate Rewards is to administer the Reward as swift as possible.  Strokes will be in quick succession and continue as long as Mike wishes.
   5. Immediate Rewards must maintain the integrity of the Ceremony.
   6. While Jennifer is still bent over, Mike will ask Jennifer why she earned that Reward.
   1. 1. 1. If Jennifer is uncertain, incorrect, or just does not know why, Mike will administer another Reward. Mike will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Reward. While maintaining her bent over position Jennifer will then apologize consistent with the Prompt Reward apology. Mike will give a third a final Immediate Award.
         2. If Jennifer was able to identify why she received the Immediately Reward, Mike will let her know she was correct and while maintaining her bent over position Jennifer will apologize consistent with the Prompt Reward apology. Mike will give a second and final Immediate Award.
   1. 1. 1. Jennifer may receive further instructions from Mike, such as to stand in the nearest corner. Jennifer is not to pull up her pants until instructed to do so.
         2. Appropriate After Care.
         3. Closing Ceremony.
      2. Delayed Rewards follow the same ceremony as Prompt Awards, but often include Additional Rewards at Mike’s discretion.
      3. Additional Rewards follow the same ceremony as Prompt Awards.
   2. Reward Levels: Mike has full discretion as to type, length, and severity of rewards with the understanding that all Rewards are intended to help Jennifer meet her duties and obligations to herself, her family, and to her husband by providing sufficient discomfort such that it serves as a physical and emotional reminder as to the goals Jennifer has set for herself.   Rewards consist of Common Rewards, Escalated Rewards, Intense Rewards, and Maintenance Rewards.
   1. 1. Common Reward As the name suggests, these are the most commonly prescribed Rewards. They are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand to bare buttocks
         2. 30 swats total. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek. It can be all 100% one cheek if he so chooses.
         3. About 1/3^rd force.
      2. Escalated Reward This is for situations that call for greater Reward so as to fulfill the stated purpose of Rewards and are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand and/or implement of Mike’s choosing. Common implements are hair brush, wooden spoon, paddle board, or belt but may be anything that Mike chooses.
         2. Number of swats may vary based on implement. Typically no more than 60 in total with about half being by hand. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek.   It can be100% one cheek if he so chooses.
         3. About one-half force.
      3. Intense Reward For the most egregious of Transgressions or for repeating the same Transgressions many times.   These call for the greatest Reward so as to fulfill the stated purpose of Rewards and are characterized by the following:
         1. Bare hand and/or implement of Mike’s choosing.
         2. No limit to the prescribed number of swats. This is typically a timed event, where Mike may tell Jennifer the Rewards will continue for a set amount of time, or, he may simply keep the time limit to himself so Jennifer has no sense of when it will end. There may be breaks as Mike deems appropriate where Jennifer will be left alone and for Mike to return later to continue.
         3. Typically the level of force will vary during the Reward and include up to any level Mike chooses.  As the purpose of an intense reward is to deliver an extended Reward experience to Jennifer, Mike should use a level of force necessary as to allow for an extended Reward Ceremony. In other words, too much force will likely result in a short session, thus negating the purpose of an Intense Reward. The intent of Intense Rewards is to deliver a prolonged experience.
      1. Maintenance Reward These are delivered each week at the Maintenance Session. This Reward cannot be substituted, altered, or changed. It is intended to be a consistent and reliable reminder to Jennifer’s commitments to herself, her family, and her husband and something she is to look forward to and know what to expect.
         1. Bare hand to the buttocks
         2. 15 swats with two-thirds force in rapid succession. Mike uses his discretion as to how the swats are distributed per cheek.   It can be 100% one cheek if he so chooses.
5. Spanking Substitutions and Other Rewards
   1. Spanking Substitutions: Spankings may be substituted with swats across the palms with a ruler or belt at Mike’s discretion.
   2. Other Physical but Non-spanking Rewards:  Mike may provide other physical but non-spanking Rewards at his discretion. These are intended to be in addition to Rewards already given and intended to be applied either concurrently with a Reward or as part of a time-out or corner time. Other Physical but Non-spanking Rewards include application of breast bindings, nipple clamps, and insertion of a butt plug. These Rewards are administered at Mike’s discretion and are intended to provide heightened sensitivity and/or discomfort. Use of these implements will be timed events where Mike will instruct Jennifer to set a timer and she may remove the items when the time expires. Mike my require use of these implements while Jennifer goes about her household duties or even out in public.
   3. Other Non-Physical Rewards:  Include extended corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet, and grounding such that Jennifer may not see friends or family for prescribed time that is not to exceed one week.

SECTION VI. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS Maintenance Session are weekly meetings (typically Sunday evenings) where Mike and Jennifer meet to discuss the events of the week and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Rewards both at the beginning and the end of the Session. The Maintenance Session will follow this order.

1. Mike will have Jennifer join him in the bedroom and advise her it is for their Maintenance Session (or alternate location as needed).
2. Upon entering the room Jennifer shall disrobe without instruction from Mike and will remain nude throughout the Session.Mike will administer the Maintenance Reward. The purpose of starting the meeting with this Reward is to remind Jennifer that while the Maintenance Session allows her to ask questions of Mike, she must maintain respect and a matter-of-fact tone to avoid a Transgression.
3. Mike and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Mike. Mike will in turn express his love for Jennifer and thank her the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.
4. Mike will instruct Jennifer to get her journal. Jennifer will retrieve it and then kneel down in front of Mike. She will open the journal to where she may have noted anything she wants clarification to. Jennifer must do so from a point of wanting to clarify so as to perform better in the future. She shall not whine or be argumentative and her tone will remain matter-of-fact. Jennifer must keep her inquiries to things that occurred in the prior week only as all previous issues were closed as of the last Maintenance Session.  Mike and Jennifer will then have a dialogue regarding the issues Jennifer raised. Jennifer will remain respectful at all times.
5. Mike may bring up any concerns he had during the week where he believe Jennifer may want clarification or bring up anything else he wishes to address. He will never express disappointment in her performance for the week as all Rewards will have been given and thus those issues are resolved and closed.
6. Mike will ask Jennifer to read any self-reported transgressions from her Journal. She must present them matter-of-factly, no excuse or reasons. Just state the Transgression. Mike will thank Jennifer for staying true to her commitments and self-reporting her Transgressions. Mike will determine the appropriate Reward for those self-reported Transgressions.
7. Jennifer shall present her Journal to Mike for inspection. Mike will review to ensure it meets the Journal Requirements.
8. Mike will administer any Awards necessary regarding self-reported Transgressions or journal deficiencies. If no such Awards are needed, he will administer another Maintenance Reward so that she has some sensations to see her through her self-reflection time.
9. Mike will give Jennifer some self-reflection time where she first is to masturbate to climax. Jennifer will choose the location in the bedroom where she wishes to masturbate. She may ask Mike if she can use an aide such as a vibrator. Mike may allow it at his discretion. Mike may stay present during her masturbation but will remain silent and away from her immediate proximity.
10. Upon climaxing, Jennifer will lay relaxed, in thought, reflecting on her past week and the week to come. She may nap or otherwise meditate in thought. Mike will leave Jennifer alone if he has not already left the room.
11. Mike will return to the room after a period of time of choosing, usually 45 minutes to an hour later.
12. Upon Mike’s return, Jennifer will kneel in front of him and looking him in the eyes will recommit herself to her duties and obligations and her hopes to meet her expectations for herself for the coming weeks. She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.
13. When Mike is ready he will hold her outreached hands while Jennifer remains kneeling with her head bowed down. They will maintain that position until Mike asks her to stand.
14. Mike will instruct Jennifer to bend over and receive her last Maintenance Reward. This is to remind her again of the commitment she has made to meet her Duties and Obligations to herself.
15. Mike and Jennifer will embrace and cuddle as per After Care procedures.
16. Mike will call the Maintenance Session to an end.

SECTION VII. Journal Requirements

Jennifer shall keep an adequate hand-written daily journal that Mike will check at Maintenance Sessions. Entries do not need to be written in complete sentences and there is no requirement that it be a certain length – however, it must be easy to read and must be easily understood. “Adequacy” is at Mike’s discretion. The journal must be stored in the safe in the master closet. The journal will consists of daily entries regarding:

1. What Jennifer was most proud and thankful of for that day.
2. Jennifer’s reflection on any Rewards, if any that day. She does not need to document every Reward, but is expected to reflect in general on the Reward(s) of the day and comment on whether the considered them a bit light, just right, or a bit tough.
3. Any Transgressions that occurred that Mike was not aware of.
4. Noting any masturbating she did (exclusive of Maintenance Session) including details around when, where, and how she masturbated.
5. Any points of clarity she wants to ask for during a Maintenance Session.

   UPDATE:  You can view our October 2017 contract HERE!

Next – 13. Now what?  The sting of the paddle. . .

3. The Search

I didn’t go looking for Domestic Discipline.  I was online looking up info on self-help as I often do and I stumbled across some DD information.  I heard of submissive/dominant relationships, but not DD.  My first reaction was quick – “No way!”

I am not submissive.  I was repulsed.  “How could any woman be involved in this misogynistic crap?”  DD meant that my husband would make the rules, boss me around, be overbearing, dominant, and demeaning and would spank me?  WTF!

My curiosity kicked in to see what could motivate someone to live this way, so I started reading, and reading, and reading.  The more I read, the more this “thing” began to take shape in my mind.  I discovered that yes, DD can be those things that I just described, but what if it could mean something different?  What if DD were simply a system for allowing me to meet expectations I set for myself, with some help from my husband?Ultimately this “thing” taking shape in my mind was my own version of DD.

Please note I said “my version” of DD.  I noticed many DD stories are different, although it seems like a lot are also trying to follow some pre-set rules about it, but that is mostly those that try to make it about religion.   Many DD relationships seemed ridiculous to me (and still do, but I know I shouldn’t get all judgey given my own DD lifestyle).  I saw a common theme in DD that resonated with me, and all I needed to do was shape that theme more precisely to my liking.  I probably knew within about thirty minutes of reading that I was on to something and I stayed up reading more.  By the end of that night I had a revelation – a moment of clarity that forever changed my life for the better.  I developed a two part plan to once again love life, every moment, every day.

Next – 4. The Plan.

2. The Backstory: Love life…every moment, every day.

I believe sharing the details of my story can enable you to find a path toward greater fulfillment and satisfaction in life, so you too can “love life, every moment, every day.” 

This “creed’ was instilled in me by my mother.  I’d like to say this came about because my mother was a strong, independent woman, but that would be a lie.  She grew up in a very misogynistic environment and my dad did not provide respite from the misogyny she knew as a girl.  Perhaps that is why it was so important to her that I would love life, every moment, every day.

She never told me exactly what the term meant.  She knew I needed to discover that for myself.  What it came to mean was that if there was an aspect about my life that I did not love, I, and I alone, was responsible for changing it.  No man, no drug, no other person.  Just me.   Thus, I, Jennifer, grew up a very self-empowered woman.

Yes, my name is Jennifer, Jenny to most, although my family calls me Sadie.  I can thank a cousin for that nickname.  That story isn’t important to my journey, but I mention it just in case I refer to myself as Sadie later on.  I often think of myself as Sadie in the context of recalling stories from my youth.

Anyway, back to my story.  Yes, I grew up very self-empowered and “with it.”  That self-empowerment led to me being the informal psychologist, coach, mentor, and confidant to many family and friends.  I was the one that “had it all together.”

Mike and I got married when I was 21, he was 22.  I admit I was the more dominant one and in aspects of our relationship I still feel I am, but as you’ll learn, that no longer applies in many ways.  I had it “all together” and “knew” how things should be so Mike pretty much learned to defer to me.  I know I frustrated him at times.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want his input, but, I was stuck on the fact the loving life meant things had to happen a certain way.  How can I honor my “creed” if I suppressed my hopes and desires?  Okay, so, I became selfish, but justified it because if I can’t be happy, then I can’t make others happy.  Basic psychology, right?

Then came kids.  I was a high school counselor (see, credentials to “prove” I could solve problems) but quickly put my career aside to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) after a short stint back at work after the birth of our second.  It was always my desire to focus on my kids without worrying about a regular job – that was loving life.  Mike accepted me as a SAHM although he would have preferred I return to work.  Being a SAHM was always my plan and I also justified it because my husband made an income that “I” felt we could live on and maintain the lifestyle that “I” wanted for my family.

So, three kids later (all sons).   The eldest is just wrapping up post-grad work and lives on his own.  My middle is out of the house and half-way through college.  My youngest is still at home and has special needs and will never be independent.  With all three kids I threw myself into maintaining my mantra, “Love life…every moment, every day.”

It worked well for many years, but then in the last few years morphed into a terrible thing.  I kept placing greater and greater demands on myself.  Maybe it was because of the needs of our youngest, but I became increasingly focused on controlling everything.  This meant trying to solve everything for everyone – not just my problems, my husbands, or kids, but my siblings, in-laws, nieces, nephews, and friends.  It grew to mean I must not only meet my needs, but meet everyone else’s, and even anticipate them and meet them before they even knew they had them.  Add in the extreme demands of a special needs child, and I was overloaded.

The overload showed.  I would “trick” myself to convince myself of my happiness, but those tricks were wearing off.  I was argumentative with my husband, I became moody and a slob.  My husband said I was like a storm leaving a mess in my wake wherever I went in the house.  Not only did I rarely clean anymore, but I was compounding the cleaning work for my husband.  Up until then I would say we split the chores adequately (I did most but he  did his share).  Household chores had never been a point of argument.  We had a system and it worked, until I started messing it up.

I became forgetful- constantly losing or misplacing things or even just forgetting what I was talking about.  I felt like too many thoughts at once were going on in my head. Maybe all that noise in my head also caused a distraction because I also became a klutz.  I dropped and cracked three cell phones in less than a year, I lost my car keys, my credit card, plus constantly losing things around the house.  I lost interest in keeping within a budget – if I wanted something, I got it on impulse.   I started staying up later and later to binge watch television, often until 2 a.m. Because of all of that, I wasn’t getting good rest.   Add to that the physically and emotionally demanding days of caring for our son (plus caring for everyone else’s needs) and 4-5 hours of sleep just won’t cut it.

Arguments with my husband increased – too many nights of silent treatment, yelling, or one of us storming off to sleep in the spare room.  Most of the arguments were of my own doing but you could not have convinced me of that at that time.  After all, I was “loving life!”   My husband was losing patience and I could feel he was becoming less and less loving, despite efforts to try and express his love.  He would tell me of the amazing job I was doing with our son and that picking up some extra household chores was a simple way to honor and respect what I was doing with our son.  (Did I tell you how wonderful Mike is?)  While I appreciated those words, I knew I was letting him down, and by letting him down, I was letting myself down.  This went on for about a year

I am someone in constant self-reflection and frankly, for a long time my self-reflection was dishonest.  My internal monologue was like this, “yep, I made the right decision, even if the outcome wasn’t what I thought it would be, so there isn’t anything I should change.”

Finally the breakthrough.  I realized I was not loving life, not for any moment, not any day, and I needed to change.   I was probably clinically depressed, but being who I am I felt I created the problem and I can fix it.  Once I had admitted to myself I had a problem, my mind kicked into overdrive on how I was going to correct it because I knew I could solve this problem.

Skipping over the details for a moment, suffice to say it all changed March 17, 2015.  Almost immediately on that date my life changed in wonderful, positive, and previously unimaginable ways.  I am truly loving life, every moment, every day.   And all without aide of anti-depressants!  My drug was Domestic Discipline (DD).

I am certain my specific path is not for you to take.  However, there are elements of my journey that I am convinced can help everyone.   My hope is that you will focus on the basic principles that are providing my love for life and don’t focus on my specific methods.

No two DD lifestyles are the same and some may say what I practice is an odd form of DD. You may not like my methods or ever do anything that remotely could be called DD.  But if you can suspend your judgement while reading my blog, perhaps, just maybe, you can come away with how you might apply some of the principles I use in a way that best suits you and your relationship.

So, how did my search to improve my life lead me to DD?
NEXT – 3. The Search.