Tag Archives: tack bra

210. A Best, er, Breast Punishment

210

Back to a topic that many of you seem to prefer over my blah, blah, blah, ramblings of self-reflection and discovery…spankings!

Last year my most visited post got 6 times the views of #2.  #1 was a spanking story, #2 was my contract.  And numbers 3-6 were all discipline stories.  Oh well, I am resigned to the fact that my eloquent, insightful, heart-felt, personal and profound revelations that mean so much to my personal growth and fulfillment and life take second fiddle to masturbatory fodder.  In celebration of the latter, here you go!

I shared in a prior post that we implemented a few extra submissive duties to give us added focus to help us “reset” and return to our pre-holiday submissive mindset.  These extra’s would stay in place for as long as Mike feels they are warranted.   

DAY OFF
We started this “reset” with a day off on Monday.  It was fabulous.  As much as I thrive at being submissive, a day of pampering and fun with Kayla was an amazing mental and physical vacation.  Like most vacations, as much as you enjoy them, you are glad to get back home.  We loved the girls day and evening out (and night in, wink wink, nudge nudge), but I was also happy to start focusing on returning to the submissive mindset I had leading into the holidays. 

BACK TO “WORK”
Mike worked from home Thursday (2 days ago as of this posting).  After I got back from dropping J off at school he called me and Kayla to his office.  He said, “as part of the reset I want you both to put your hands against the wall.  You will get six spankings, three on each cheek.  They will be very hard.  Now take position.”  Keep in mind my butt is still bruised from New Years Eve  (plus a Maintenance spanking, a few spankings as part of our “leave the house” spankings, and one for a punishment).

We did not hesitate and we take position, already naked as per our “dress code.”  In an instant Mike is behind me. He was not joking – they are very hard.  Whack! Whack! One on each cheek and I take a big suck of air. Whack! Whack! I start to flinch but the third two come so quickly that I couldn’t react. Whack! Whack! My knees buckle a bit and my ass is on fire.  He spanks Kayla and from the corner of my eye I can tell she has a similar reaction.

THE STICK
He was using this board he keeps out in the open in his office.  You would think it is just some spare piece of wood that belongs to something.  No one would think it is a paddle, which is why he likes to keep it out in the open.  We know what it is and we affectionately refer to it as “the stick.”  I measured it and it is 16.5 inches long. The striking surface is 2.5 inches wide and it is three-quarters of an inch thick.  I think it is pine, which is a softer wood, but at 2.5 inches thick, I wouldn’t call it soft.   

TOP OF THE HOUR (TOH)
Mike tells us he is working from home because Kayla didn’t have class.  With both of us home he had an idea.  “Return to my office at the top of each hour and without talking take position against the wall.  You will each get one on each cheek, very hard, and you will stay in position until I dismiss you.  I only want to hear a ‘Thank you, Sir,’ as you leave the room.  You may go now.”

By the burning I was feeling I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was by just how red Kayla’s butt was.  You would have thought she was spanked 50 times, not 6.  I am not one to always look at my butt after a spanking, but I was curious.  I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and indeed, my ass is very red, along with the now yellow splotches and the faint blue marbled remnants of the New Years Eve spanking.  

An hour later we return to his office and get our next spanking, and again an hour after that.  I have to go to the store so I go to his office for my “leaving the house” spanking.  I get six or seven with his belt.  He dismisses me and adds, “Since you will be gone at the top of the hour, come to my office as soon as you get home and we will catch up on any spankings.”

Luckily I only have a few things to pick up, which I do very quickly. I am only gone 40 minutes.  I enter the house relieved that I am only behind one TOH spanking and still have almost 30 minutes to recover before the next one.  I bring in the groceries, take off may clothes, and put the groceries away.  I make a much needed stop at the bathroom to pee, and then head to Mike’s office.

DISOBEDIENCE
I assume position against the wall and Mike ask, “It’s been almost ten minutes since you pulled up, why didn’t you come to my office right away?”

“I put the groceries away, Sir, and had to pee,” I said matter-of-factly and fully assuming there was not an issue other than he was curious.

In a monotone voice Mike followed with, “Did I tell you to come to my office when you got home?”

“Yes, Sir,” I said with a bit of a question on it.

“Did I tell you to put away groceries first?”

“No, Sir.”  I knew not to add a “but..” because he didn’t ask for an explanation.

“So you choose not to immediately come to my office even though I told you to do so.  Do you agree that was disobedient?”

Mike doesn’t usually ask me such things but I welcomed the opportunity to respectfully respond.  “No, Sir, I don’t agree that it was disobedient of me to not come in here right away.”   He asked me to explain.

“Sir, I also took the time to disrobe, as per my requirement to be naked.  Putting the groceries away also is a requirement, as leaving them out would not be in keeping with an orderly house.  I was following my rules and I came right away as soon as I attended to those duties.”

“Fair enough,” Mike said, “and the bathroom?”

“Well Sir, I really had to go.”

“So your comfort was more important than my command?”  His voice remained monotone, almost like an interrogation from an emotionless detective.  I can’t see his body language as I am in position facing the wall.  Is he being playful or being serious? I’ve learned that when in doubt, assume he is serious. 

“Sir, I knew I was getting a spanking, and I really had to go and was thinking based on the other spankings I could end up peeing on the floor if I didn’t go first.  I thought it best to be spanked on an empty bladder.”

“You could have thought ahead and gone before you left to the store, or, you could have respectfully asked for permission to speak before I spanked you and told me of your predicament.  You could have asked Kayla to put away the groceries.  You could have come to me first with your “conflicting” rules and asked for clarification.   You could have done a number of things.  Instead, you made a decision that contradicted my command.  It isn’t a matter of whether your actions were reasonable.  They were in violation of my command.  When I tell you I want you in my office, you need to make every effort to comply.  You didn’t show that effort regarding the groceries, and going to the bathroom is not even an obligation you have to me.  I will give you your top of the hour spanking and then deal with your disobedience.”

I manage a prompt “Yes, Sir,” and sigh ever so slightly and barely shake my head as if to say “No.”   He walks up behind me. Whack! Whack! One for each cheek – VERY hard.

He sternly tells me “Your sigh, nodding no, AND not promptly coming to my office needs to be addressed.I responded with a clear and undisputed “Yes, Sir.”  But my mind was already thinking about how much more of a spanking I could tolerate.   It was also Maintenance Thursday, which means a likely caning that evening.

Mike sits back down at his desk. I stay against the wall waiting for whatever he has in mind.  He says nothing for what seemed like forever.  Eventually he leaves his office without saying a word.  I remain in position. 

He returns and I hear items being plopped on his desk.  He tells me to turn around and I can see he brought our riding crop, some rope, nipple suckers, and my tack bra.  I am  a bit relieved as I had envisioned seeing some spanking implements.  Instead, these supplies mean I am in for a breast punishment.

I’ve shared before I like breast punishments, but let me explain.  All the discipline I receive is uncomfortable and serves as a motivation to avoid such pain.  However, I find something additionally submissively rewarding about my breasts being punished.  It feeds my submissive mindset more than spankings.   And it has been awhile since my breasts were the focus of a punishment.

PUNISHMENT BEGINS
Mike applies the suckers, pumps them many times, engorging my nipples as they extend to full attention.  My breasts get tightly wrapped with the rope and Mike affixes a ball gag that seemingly appears from nowhere.  I stand in the corner for about ten minutes.  My tits start taking on a pinkish hue from the restricted circulation.

Mike turns me around, removes the suckers and twists each nipple between his thumb and forefingers.  Ahhg!  It was like a bee was stinging my nipples as I gritted my teeth. 

The drool from my gag drips down my chin and streams down between my breasts.  Mike grabs the crop and strikes my breasts on top, then the sides, then underneath.  It is a medium force but each breast is hit probably 100 times or more at a very fast pace.

The leather pad at the end of the crop gently taps my nipple as Mike lines up his target.  Whack!  A very hard direct hit to my nipple! I lurch forward from the pain and as soon as I straighten up, Whack!  Another even harder hit.  Then another.  He then lines up and repeats this on my other nipple.  

Mike goes back to striking all over each breast and again ends with several hard strikes to my nipples.  He now uses his hands, slapping each breast many times in very rapid succession.  50?  More?  Too many to count.

Suckers are applied again, pumped numerous times. He removes the ropes but it is temporary. He repositions them, tighter.  Back to the corner I go.

I stay in the corner probably another ten minutes when I hear Kayla come in.  It was the top of the hour.  Kayla doesn’t say anything, assumes her position and soon I hear her two spankings. It is not long before I feel the hard strike to each of my butt cheeks. Mike sends Kayla off to get a damp washcloth.

My breasts are now a dark pink, not long before they would be purple.  Throbbing, I feel my heart beating in my nipples.  Mike removes the ropes and the suckers but before I can sense any relief, clothespins are clipped to my nipples.  Ouch!  I hadn’t seen those coming.

My gag and then the clothespins are removed.  Mike tells Kayla to wipe off my drool from my chin, chest, belly, and some that made its way all the way to my leg.  The cold washcloth feels good against my breasts but I jump as she wipes over my highly sensitive nipples.

Kayla finishes cleaning me up and Mike reapplies the clothespins to my nipples – twisting to the right, then the left.  He pulls, and pulls some more.  He keeps pulling – SNAP!  SNAP!  They come off, giving me an immediate shot of pain.

He then puts my tack bra on me.  He attaches the claps and immediately wraps his arms around from behind me and squeezes my boobs, pushing the tacks in.  He gives them a second, harder squeeze, then a third one, harder yet.  

“See you both in an hour.  Jen, we will remove your bra then.  You are dismissed,”

You can imagine how hard it is to do housework or do much of anything with tacks in your bra, especially with tender breasts and nipples at their height of sensitivity.   A few minutes would go by where I would forget they were there and then I move just right, or reach to get something, and “ouch,” yep, something is scratching or poking into one or both tits.  And the tacks on and near my nipples were the worst.  I walked very gingerly, attempting not to shift my upper body. 

I was so looking forward to the next TOH.  Finally it comes.  In addition to the TOH, after removing my tack bra I get another round of swats on the breasts with the crop.  We have our closing ceremony regarding my disobedience, and then I am dismissed.  The day continues as do the TOH spankings until it is time to pick up J from school.

RESET IS COMPLETE
On our last TOH spanking Mike asked us how we were feeling regarding our “reset.
Both of us said we felt it was going well and that we felt we were back to where we were prior to Thanksgiving regarding our submissive head space.   “That’s great to hear, so let’s plan on ending the reset starting when we get up tomorrow.  Today will be the last day.”

And with that, we are fully back in the groove we were at prior to the holidays – along with some tender breasts.

Next: 211. Eek! Dom Fail!

163. Domestic Discipline Antipatico?

163

I stated in my last post that I would share details of the punishment – or series of punishments in this case.  I am not a writer of erotica.  I’ve shared before that I prefer to write about my thoughts on my transformational journey versus sexually stimulating prose.  Sorry if my writing lacks any build up, climax, etc.  It’s not erotica, it’s just the facts.  I’ll share those facts here, and then “debrief” in my next post re my ruminations regarding this incident.

I want to mention that I was going to exclude some of these details, but Mike told me I must write about all aspects of this punishment.  You’ll soon read about an element of punishment I don’t like to share regarding urine.  I don’t know why that is since I share everything else and given that this is pretty anonymous, why should I feel the need to omit it?  In any event,  here you go. . .

PUNISHMENT DRIP
Picking up where I left off — About an hour later Mike came in after he finished dinner.  He told me that he and Kayla would attend to J the rest of the night and once J was asleep he would address “my situation.”  As that could be a several more hours, he said he would check in with me periodically and “adjust” how I would wait for him.  He told me he did not want to hear anything from me – I was to remain silent and simply comply.

He brought a 32 ounce cup of what he called “half and half.”  He said if I needed tea so badly, then I would have it, and to help me think of him as I drank it, he added a little something, that, let’s just say rhymes with tea.  Having to drink his urine was not a first for me, but it is something that I have rarely been subject to.  He had me quickly guzzle all 32 ounces.  He then put nipple suckers on me, pumping them tightly.  He put in a butt plug, had me sit in a chair, and then he cuffed my arms behind the chair.  Not intolerable, but uncomfortable to say the least.   Oh, and he put the bit gag back on me and left the room.

Another drip of punishment —  Sometime later he came back in.  I was a drooling mess and so happy to see him as I was at a high level of discomfort – my butt from not being able to shift much in my seat, from the long feeling of fullness from the plug, and my nipples had past the burning stage and were well into a numb throbbing stage where I could feel my heartbeat in my nipples.  

He removed the gag and the suckers and immediately applied clamps to my nipples.  That really burned!  The shot of pain brought tears to my eyes.  Not emotional, “oh what I have I done tears.”  Just plain old, “OMG that hurts,” tears.  I was going to call out my safe word but didn’t have to because based on my reaction Mike quickly removed the clamps.   Mike said, “I’ll think of something else.”

He uncuffed me, had me stand up, and he removed the butt plug.  He had me drink another large glass of tea with whatever pee he was able to add at the moment.  He then had me put my tack bra on.  He led me to the bathroom and told me to lay down on my stomach.  He then cuffed my hands behind my back, lathered up a bar of soap, and stuck it in my mouth.   He said if I needed to go to the bathroom I was to just go there where I lay and he left the room.   After the two large glasses of drink and not having gone to the bathroom for some time before this all began, I knew I wasn’t going to hold it for long.

Another drip —  Miraculously by the time Mike came in to “adjust” things, I still had not gone, but I had to pee something fierce.  He stood me up, removed the soap, let me rinse a bit, then had me drink yet more tea pee.  He then told me to get back down on the floor. He told me to pee, and as I desperately needed to do so, I didn’t hesitate to comply.  While the release felt good, it was very uncomfortable as I was basically laying in it as it pooled around me.   He then left again.

Yet another drip —  He returned fairly quickly, maybe 10 minutes, but it felt like forever.  He stood me up and uncuffed me, had me bend over and put my hands on the sink, and he paddled me countless times very hard on my butt as my torso and legs dripped with pee.  (J was taking a bath in our other bathroom and thus far removed from the sounds).   Mike must have spanked me about 30 or 40 times.  He then had me stand and he squeezed my breasts, pushing the tacks in more than they already were.  He then had me remove the bra, which required a bit of tugging as several of the tacks were deeply embedded. 

He told me to lay back down on the floor in the pool of pee, he cuffed my arms again behind my back and put a bar of soap in my mouth.  My breasts burned a bit as the pee on the floor came in contact with some of the scratches and small punctures on my breasts.  It was only a few minutes later that Kayla came in.  She told me I was not to speak and Mike had given her instructions to clean me up.  She removed the soap from my mouth, had me walk into the shower, and she rinsed me off.  She told me to stay there in the shower until Mike returned.  I stood there dripping wet, a bit cold, and ready to get this over with.

Mike had me bend over in the shower and he caned me about a dozen times, very hard.  He followed that up with about a dozen more with a hairbrush he pulled from the drawer.   He dried me off and led me to Kayla’s room.  He had my journal next to her bed.  He told me the punishment was not done.  I needed to journal and then I would sleep alone in Kayla’s room that night and the next two nights.  I would be spanked “very hard” each night before going to bed.  In addition, as a reminder that I’d rather be drinking water than piss, any time he needed to pee over those three days I would have drink it.

I could probably dedicated an entire post to my thoughts on piss drinking.  I don’t like it, and have given it strong consideration to adding it as  a “hard limit.”   I’ve resisted as I want to challenge myself before simply prohibiting it.  After this experience, I just may be added it to the hard limits list.  The taste of pee can range from tasteless, like water, to putrid.  More often than not it is on the tolerable side, but not always.  Anyway, not a topic that you probably want to know much about, so enough said.

So the next three nights were as Mike decreed.  On the morning of the fourth night we had an official “closing ceremony” regarding the punishment.   At my next Maintenance Session Mike asked me to talk about the incident, both what it was that I was feeling that led up to my “bratting” and about the punishment.

A quick aside — Mike knows I don’t like the term “bratting” as it sounds so immature and silly, but if the shoe fits!  I accept that indeed that was an accurate term as I knowingly and with forethought made the decision to disobey.

Anyway, I’ll share my reflections on the next post.  

164.  Reflecting on Behavior and Punishment

 

142. A Spanking, Lines, and Corner Time

142Nun

Sorry for bit of a cliff hanger on the last post.  I had to wrap up as I had things to attend to.  Oh the irony if I earned a spanking because I didn’t complete a chore because I was spending too much time writing about a spanking story!  

As I shared in that post, I was at the store and was tempted to buy something without permission.  I shared before that years ago I went through a compulsive shopping issue.  It actually spanned several years.  As part of putting my contract together I wanted to be subject to a budget, and it evolved to where I must ask Mike for permission to buy anything other than everyday household items like food and toiletries.  

The item was nothing extravagant – it was a simple blender.  Ours broke quite some time ago but we rarely use it and didn’t miss having it.  But I saw a cute one that was also on sale and I thought it would be fun to get.  I imagined the smoothies I could make, both alcoholic and kid-friendly versions.   I rationalized that I shouldn’t bother Mike at work with this, and I would just get it.  It seemed unnecessary and it was so clear to me we would use and enjoy this blender.  I went so far as having it in the shopping cart!

VICTORY!
I then had this deja vu moment as thoughts of
Post 71. Good Girl came to mind.  Not just the feeling I had for transgressing, but also the punishment!  Ouch!  Yes, the discomfort of a spanking can be a great deterrent.   So, I put the blender back on the shelf!   Win for DD.  Win for Jenny.    

This happened during the day while our son was at school.  Mike was working for home.  When I got home I shared this story with Mike thinking he would have the same sense of accomplishment for what our DD had done to help me mend my ways.  Instead, he sternly spoke to me.

DEFEAT?
He said, “Jen, yes, I am very happy you didn’t buy something without permission.  That would have certainly been bad to do, but, that doesn’t excuse how close you came to trying to rationalize actually buying it.  It concerns me that you went so far as to have the item in your basket.  While you should have a sense of accomplishment for putting it back, I none-the-less feel a responsibility to address your actions.”  He went on to say that he felt it wasn’t enough for a punishment to serve as a deterrent.  He felt part of the goals of DD, as I have expressed them, were to actually change my thoughts and behaviors.   While clearly it changed my behavior — I didn’t get the blender — it didn’t change my thoughts. 

There was silence when Mike was done speaking.  I didn’t know how to react and frankly there wasn’t anything I could say.   Trying to defend my actions would make it worse, and part of me understood what he was saying.  It was just so disappointing to go from this emotional high of thinking of this as a triumphant “win” to the sudden and jarring conclusion that it wasn’t.  I could tell Mike was thinking about what to do. 

LINES
He told me to go to our room, put on the tack bra, and sit and write lines.  I would keep writing until he came to the room.  The line was, “I will always ask Sir for permission to buy something that I am not allowed to buy without his permission.”   He had me repeat the assignment to ensure I understood it.  He then told me to go our room.  Walking there I kept repeating the line to myself so I wouldn’t forget it.

He came into the room about 10 minutes later.  I had written 12 lines.  He told me to lay on our floor, face down, hands behind my back while he reviewed my lines.  This pressed the tacks firmly against my breasts.  He then told me all 12 were incorrect.  I left off the word “his” as the second to last word.   He also did not like the way I wrote the word “permission” as it was messy on four of the lines.  He said that is 16 mistakes, and thus would earn me 32 spankings, two for each error.  

MORE LINES
He then said I had 10 more minutes of writing and he expected to see 15 perfect lines. He would add another 2 spankings per error and add 2 spankings per word that I was short.  In other words,  there were 20 words in the line.  If say I only got to 14 lines at the end of 10 minutes, he would add 40 spankings (20 x 2).  He had me repeat these rules back to ensure I understood them.  

He had me get up off the floor and told me not to adjust my bra and to sit and write.  He got out his phone and started the stop watch and said, “your time starts now.”

I’ve had to write lines before, and I’ve been timed before, but never had him there staring at me.  Also, when I’ve been timed I have been able to look at a clock so I could tell how I was progressing and whether or not I should try to speed up or not.  It was terrible not knowing how much time was elapsing.  Adding to this was the sharp pains in my breasts where several tacks were poking me something fierce.  

I was trying not to think much about the time and concentrate on my penmanship, but when I finished the eighth line I did think to myself, “okay, just over half way done and I think that was about five minutes.”   When I got through with line 12 i thought, “well, that’s as far as I got last time and I am going a little faster, so probably have a few minutes left.  It will be close.”   Line 13, “I will always ask Sir for permission to  – “STOP!”
Mike told me time was up.  

He told me to get back on the floor on my stomach while he reviewed my work.  10 words left on line 13, plus the 20 for line 14 and 15.  So 50 missing words.  That’s 100 spankings.  

He then said, “Again, you wrote the word “permission” a bit sloppy.” One…two…three…four…five times.  And on two of the lines you didn’t capitalize “Sir.”
That’s seven mistakens, for 14 more spankings.  So let’s see,  32 + 100 + 14. That’s 146. What do you think of that?” 

What was I to say other than, “I think this is good. Thank you, Sir.”   He then said, “Well, not quite good enough.” 

“I am going to give you your 146 spankings, then you are going to sit on what will be your red ass and you will write the word “permission” two hundred times.  We will then see if there are more spankings to come.”

Up to this point I was very composed.  He had me stand up and he removed my bra.  There were several tacks imbedded in my breasts such that my bra stayed stuck to me even though it was unclasped and the straps were  off my shoulders.  He pulled gently to fully remove the bra.  There was a short-lived but sharp sting as the tacks came out of my breasts.  While not overly painful, it made me start to cry.   As I shared in the prior post, I don’t cry that much over a punishment and when I do, it is mostly about what I was feeling at this moment.  

I was feeling very humbled and very remorseful.   The issue of controlling my shopping habits has a long and painful past.  I was feeling the guilt of those past transgressions, a guilt I thought had left me for good, but re-emerges anytime I make this type of mistake.
Further adding to my emotions was a part of me that was saying to myself “but I did so good in putting it back.” 

THE SPANKINGS
Mike said not all the spankings would be on my butt.  He went “Catholic school nun” on me and gave me 10 strikes with the ruler on each palm.   Those actually hurt more than spankings.  He then administered the remaining 132 on my butt, a combination of hand, belt, paddle, and wooden spoon.  The majority were with the spoon.  He said he choose the spoon because it was a kitchen item and thus seemed appropriate since this was prompted by a blender.   

YET MORE LINES
My butt was very red, sore, and ultimately bruised.  It was hard to sit and write “permission” 250 times, especially as my palms were still stinging as well.  He didn’t give me a time limit and it took about 30 minutes to complete.  I brought my papers to his office and he reviewed the lines.  He asked me if I were him, how many mistakes would I find.  I told him while every line was not identical, I felt they were all extremely legible and clear.  I always get a little nervous when he asks me to critique myself.  Luckily, he agreed.

FINAL PUNISHMENTS
I noticed that he had a butt plug, lube, and a ball gag at his desk.  He told me he wasn’t quite done with me yet.  He had me bend over as he inserted the plug and then he told me to stand in the corner in his office with my hands clasped behind my head.   He put in the ball gag and as I stood in the corner he rubbed my red butt and gave me five or six quick swats by hand.  At that time I didn’t expect more spankings and was now unsure of what was to come.  I was already quite sore and I immediately started to cry.

He gave me several more by hand and then explained that this was specifically for the transgression regarding the blender whereas the other spankings were over the mistakes in my lines.  He then spanked me some more by hand, maybe another 15 or so, then sat back down at his desk and went about his work.  I cried for several more minutes.  

If you aren’t familiar with ball gags, they can make the jaw uncomfortable after five minutes or so, but more than the discomfort, it is the drooling that bothers me the most. Quite a bit of spit ends up dripping down on and between my boobs and it just feels uncomfortable.  Add to that the tears and snot from crying and well, you get the picture. 

About fifteen minutes later he walked over, removed the plug and bit, and we had our Closing Ceremony.  That was that.  All was forgiven.  I left his office, cleaned up, and went about my day. 

REFLECTION
As I reflect on this punishment, I think about what if Mike had looked at my actions the way I initially did – as a triumph!   Would the encouragement and recognition of a job well done been more effective than a punishment?   Hard to say, but I believe Mike’s actions were justified given my history with shopping.  It is a history I need to always keep in mind so that next time, I don’t even think to put the item in the basket.  There are reasons I agreed to asking Mike for permission, and reasons I wanted his help in addressing my bad habits.  I accept his judgement that a punishment was in order and believe it will help ensure my compliance with the commitments I have made to him and to myself. And ultimately, that is what my Domestic Discipline is all about. 

Next: 143. My Evolving Submission

 

 

131. An Argument

Mike and I had our biggest disagreement since adopting Domestic Discipline over two years ago.  Granted, I wrote before about an argument (Post 44. Argument Part I and Post 45. Argument Part II).   But that was nothing compared to this.  On the one I posted about in 44 and 45, I was clearly in the wrong.  This one didn’t have a right or wrong.  Just two points of view that were equal on their merits, but only one could prevail.  

The issues are unimportant but I will say it had to do with our kids, namely our youngest J, and a disagreement over handling a particular situation.  I am not going to share the details because it really doesn’t matter.  It isn’t about someone being wrong or right, or who said or did what to whom.  Suffice to say we didn’t see eye to eye on something of which we both have strong feelings and perspectives – and those feelings and perspectives were not compatible.  Thus, an argument. 

There is nothing about our DD lifestyle that says I must agree with Mike or that says I don’t have a voice.  I routinely voice my thoughts and opinions but allow Mike to be the final arbiter.  I have never felt discounted or felt that my views were devalued, even though clearly I don’t always “get my way.”  That is no different from life before DD. 

The difference is that before DD, discontent would typically fester, pop, then linger.  With DD there is no opportunity for an issue to fester as we communicate openly, honestly, and timely.  Instead of “popping” in a heated argument, there is a “respectful disputation” that has a clear ending.  Yes, that ending is typically with Mike deciding on things, but I agreed to that,  and frankly, I like that.  At least in concept, because there are times where it is very difficult.  Basically, the more important and passionate I am about the issue, the harder it is to accept Mike’s “verdict” if it is not to my liking. 

Thus far there have been few issues that have come up and almost all are been very minor.  Mike has been very good at considering my needs.  While I don’t look at in terms of “wins” or “losses,” it makes it easy to convey if I sum it up as simply, “win some, lose some.”  Again, no different from pre-DD, except again, the process is much more respectful, quick, loving, and finite — no lingering resentments.   And of course, one other major difference is that ultimately, Mike rules!

I could not accept Mike’s decision on this particular issue.  We actually talked about it on several occasions over a few days before he came to a decision.  He was done talking about it but I was not.  I did not agree with his decision.  At first he graciously and respectfully said, “Okay, I see that this upsets you, so let’s talk so more.”  Sort of like, “I know I made my decision, but I am open to reconsidering.”  But after about the third time of doing this he grew impatient and drew the “Dom card.”  Basically he decreed the discussion over and the decision final.  I still could not accept it.  I’ll get back to that in moment.  

During the discussions (okay, fine, During the Argument!)
I earned a few punishments prior to him pulling the “Dom card.”  In each case Mike was clear that the punishment was not because we were in disagreement, but because of my attitude or disrespect in my attempts to communicate my feelings.  I accepted those spankings without hesitation.  I agreed to be respectful at all times and I wasn’t, so it was no different from any other transgression.   It also helped me stay calm when I talked to him, or, I would wait until I calmly collected my thoughts before bringing it up again.   So again, I thank our DD for helping in this way.     

As the issues and discussions spanned the course of several days, the mood in the house was a bit odd and awkward.  Not only was this our first big “fight” since adopting DD, we also have Kayla in our household.   Let’s just say that during those days I was not feeling particularly close to Mike, nor he to me, and Kayla was sort of stuck in the middle.  I didn’t particularly feel sexy nor sexually aroused towards Mike nor did he feel that way towards me.  In those days I did have sex with Kayla, and Kayla with Mike, but Mike and I did not have sex.   I know Kayla was a bit uncomfortable by it all, but she was wise to stay out the fray and Mike and I retained enough of our senses to not try to drag her in.  She did not give her opinion, nor was she asked. 

AFTER THE DOM CARD
When Mike pulled his “Dom card” and issued is final “decree,” he knew I was still unhappy about it.  Despite my efforts, I couldn’t “fake” it  and was clearly not my normal self.  At one point Mike finally said, “Are you happy being a submissive?”     Of course I answered yes (make that, “Yes, Sir!”   

“Do you want to remain submissive or stop?”   “Yes sir, I want to remain like this.  I do not want to stop.”

He went on to ask me why I didn’t want to stop, and my replies were full of all the things I’ve written about here regarding what I get from DD.  I know the point he was trying to make is that if I get all these wonderful things from DD, I need to accept that he has final say and that is that.  He heard me out, he even softened his position a bit, and he made his final decision.  If I couldn’t accept it, he was basically saying I can not accept DD and our D/s relationship.  This was similiar to the approach he took the first time we had an argument after adopting DD.  (Post 45 Argument – Part 2).

I still wasn’t ready to give in.  I wanted it both ways.  I want to be submissive, I want to serve Mike, and I want my way on this one.  Mike then turned my disagreement with him into a punishable offense.   He said he was done discussing it, had already made certain concessions and it was clear we would never fully see eye to eye on the appropriate solution, so either I accept he has final say or I don’t, and we are done with DD.  Since I made it clear I did not want to end our DD, nor want to accept his decision as final, I was punished. 

THE PUNISHMENT
The punishment was not an immediate event.  It was several days of basically a Master/slave immersion. More like a “mini” immersion because J was home with us, but while he was at school or asleep, it was very much Master/slave mode.  Mike said that perhaps having to go a few days of deeply submitting beyond our normal routine would help “get back into my submissive mindset.” 

It may be strange to say this, but I loved this.  I still hated the decision, and I didn’t particular enjoy parts of the “deep submission,” but I enjoyed the idea of it.  I have written before that I love it anytime Mike ad-libs things in showing his Dominance.  This situation was not explicitly addressed in our Contract so he had to use his discretion in determining how to respond to my actions.  He did so in an admirably Dominant way and I happy that he did so. 

Since I haven’t shared a spanking story in a while, I’ll share one particular punishment I got during this mini-immersion period.  The immersion was filled with spankings, some severe, nip and clit clips, tack bra, ball gag, mouth soaping (and the dreaded rinse), writing lines, and the like.  It also had its share of sexual submission as well.  At any time Mike would stop me and have me perform a sexual act on him or on Kayla.   There were standing orders that anytime he motioned a certain way I was to drop on all fours in front of him, take out his cock and perform oral sex, while Kayla fetched a paddle.  She would then paddle me while I went to town on Mike and continued spanking me until Mike finished. 

When Mike announced the mini-immersion was over, the entire issue was truly over.  I accepted his decision on the issue that started all of this.  I was definitely back in my submissive mindset.   In reflecting on it I also could say that while I still wish he would have decided otherwise, I can fully accept his decision.  While it isn’t what I would have decided, it was still reasonable, loving, and effective – just like the mini-immersion.  Score one for the Dom, and score another for DD.

NEXT:  Post 132.  Good Grove / Bad Move.

  

 

 

92.The Inspection. Defining Necessary.

shy

Thanksgiving
I hope your Thanksgiving was as wonderful as mine.  We spent time with all three of our kids and extended family as we went to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving.  They live about three hours away – a perfect distance for my liking.  Close enough for an easy visit, but far enough away that visits don’t have to be weekly or monthly – ha!

My eldest and his girlfriend left our festivities a bit early to spend time with her family, and my middle child left late in the afternoon to go camping with some friends.  My parents invited J to stay the weekend with them.  He loves staying with them – I mentioned before that typically he stays with them two full weeks out of the summer.  My parents are getting older and I am starting to have concerns about their ability to care for him.  He can be physically demanding at times.  Luckily my sister and her family said they were going to stay the weekend as well, so that meant not only more support to care for J, but more fun as he always enjoys his cousins.  That also meant was that Mike and I could be alone for the long weekend!

Kayla Visits
On Friday we invited Kayla over so we could have our long awaited talk.  She was ready to present “her document” (as mentioned in Post 91) where she wrote down her thoughts on what she wants out of a relationship with us.  She also asked Mike and me to prepare something as well regarding our thoughts on what we want.

She came over around 10 am, nervous, but eager to share.  I was not naked!  Kayla has seen me before in my submissive and naked state, but given that this was a time for us to focus on her without potential distraction or awkwardness, Mike asked me to get dressed as Kayla arrived.

I will use another post to talk about what Kayla put in her “document.”  For now I want to share something very surprising that occurred. 

Kayla handed us each a copy of the document she prepared.  As we were reading I could see that Kayla was very fidgety in her chair, biting her nails and looking down at the floor.  She asked, “What about the document you prepared for me?”

I responded that we didn’t prepare one for her.  She was clearly disappointed and annoyed.

“Hey guys, I really put a lot into this document and was looking forward to reading what you wanted from me.  I really poured out my soul here and I wanted to get your thoughts so I could consider your suggestions.”

Mike responded, “Kayla, what we want in a relationship with you is very simple.  We can sum it all up in one sentence, and tell you what, Jen will go ahead and write it out for you.   I grabbed a pen and pad, wrote it out, signed it, handed it to Mike and he signed it, and then I handed it to Kayla.

It read, “We want to help Kayla grow towards becoming the person SHE wants to become, whatever that person may be, not defined or limited by what we want or what anyone else wants.”

Kayla read the note and said, “Thank you, that’s so sweet, but still, I was hoping for some help so that I don’t make mistakes.”

Mike, knowing Kayla’s penchant for perfectionism, responded, “Kayla, that’s our point.  You have to discover what is and isn’t a mistake for you.  Mistakes not only should be expected, they must be welcomed as they are required as part of discovering yourself.  When you make a mistake, and you will, it means you are going about this correctly.  I am sure we will have some advice and guidance for you along the way, but it wouldn’t be right for us to limit something you want, or push something you don’t want.  There simply isn’t anything appropriate for us to suggest other than what Jen just wrote down for you.”

As Mike and I continued reading, Kayla was becoming more and more fidgety, pursing her lips and acting as if we were professors reading her dissertation.  With a lot of tentativeness in her delivery, she said, “I understand what you are saying, but, I know I’ll need your help and I was hoping for some constructive suggestions as to what some good acts of service and transgressions would be.”

At that point Mike put the paper down and looked at Kayla and said, “Okay, Kayla, do you really want some help in the details regarding your submission?”

“Yes,” Kayla responded.

“First, from now on it is ‘Yes, Sir’ when you speak to me,” Mike calmly stated.

“Yes, Sir, said Kayla.

“Secondly, stand up and take your clothes off,” Mike said in a matter-of-fact tone.

Kayla looked over at me with her eyes as big as saucers.  I felt like saying, “Mike, no, not now,” but I held back.

Kayla hesitated for a moment.  Mike didn’t repeat himself and just stared at her in silence.  It was probably all of five seconds but it felt like 60 when Kayla slowly stood up.  She looked at me, then at Mike, then at the floor.  She then began unbuttoning her shirt with a tremble in her hands.  Mike then told me to go get our full length pedestal mirror from our bedroom. I had no clue what he was planning, but I obeyed without question.

I quickly retrieved it and brought it into the room as Kayla was pulling off her panties and was now completely naked.  Surprisingly, Mike then told me to disrobe.  Whatever was on his mind wasn’t anything we discussed regarding what we would say to Kayla.  Of course, I continued to simply obey and I undressed.  He told me to stand by the chair I had been sitting in across the coffee table from where Kayla was standing.

Kayla was very nervous and clearly embarrassed as she stared at the floor. Mike placed the mirror in front of Kayla and told Kayla to look at herself and then to look over at me.  He asked Kayla what differences she saw.  Kayla began to describe some physical differences and he stopped her.

“No, not in looks.  What difference do you see in your beauty compared to Jenny?”

WTF?  Wow, that seemed harsh.  He knows she is insecure. What was he doing?  I stayed silent.  Kayla’s eyes began to tear up and she was puzzled.  “What do you mean?

“What do you mean, Sir,” Mike corrected her.

That only made Kayla more nervous as her lower lip trembled as she fought to not start crying.

Mike responded, “Kayla, physically you are just as beautiful as Jen or any other woman.  Your face and your body is very attractive, beautiful, and sexy.  But, it isn’t your body where people see beauty, or lack thereof.  It is in your energy, and frankly Kayla, your energy is very unappealing.”

While Mike was talking very monotone with no anger or disgust in his voice, Kayla’s eyes teared up and tears slowly began to stream down her face.  I was so tempted to intervene and just hug her and tell her it is all okay and I told myself I’ll give it just another minute or two before I just had to react.

Mike continued, “Kayla, you have a hard time making eye contact with us for more than a second and you can barely look at the mirror without immediately looking back the floor.  Your elbows are pressed tightly against your torso, your hands are in a fist, your knees are touching, your shoulders are drooping down, your bottom lip is tucked under your top lip, and you are slouched over.  Physically you are amazingly beautiful, but you carry your beauty like a meek apology instead of as a bold statement.  That’s what I want to help you with.”

Mike continued, “Since you want suggestions, I have an idea for a requirement of your submission, in fact, I will include Jen in this requirement as well.  We are going to have inspections, and we will have the first one right now.”

The Inspection
Mike called Kayla over to him and Mike stood up.  He said the inspection consists of him inspecting our bodies.  He said this will be a practice run without any punishments and the grading would be simple.  He explained, “You start with an A, and for each infraction you drop a letter grade. Anything less than an A is a punishment for you, and anything less than a B results in BOTH of you being punished.  I want both of you to be accountable to each other for maintaining yourselves at my standards.  So if one of you gets a C or worse, then both of you are punished.  Understood?

“Yes Sir,” we both responded.

Mike looked at Kayla’s head and said, “Your hair is nice, still an A.  And your make-up, it doesn’t matter to me if you wear any or a little, but I don’t want to see a whole lot. No need to cover your lovely face.  What you have on right now looks nice, so, still an A.”

I noticed that with just those few sentences from Mike that Kayla’s physical demeanor already began to change. She was standing taller and she was making more eye contact with Mike.  She seemed eager to absorb every word of his and her body seemed more relaxed.

Mike then told Kayla to open up her mouth.  He stuck a finger in and stretched her mouth open a bit and looked closely at her teeth.  “Okay,” he said, “in fairness, you didn’t know this was coming and we were just snacking on some stuff, so, yeah, not so good.   You’ll have to get in the habit of brushing and flossing right after every meal or snack.  So, yeah, that takes you to a B.”  He said it so nicely and jokingly that Kayla continued to be put at ease and there was actually a small smile on her face.

“Okay,” said Mike, “now your posture.  You need to get those shoulders back and stand up straight with your chest out.  Get those arms unglued from the side of your body, open up your stance a little, stand tall and proud.  Next time, that will cost you a letter, but we’ll keep you at a B for now.  Now, let me see your hands.”

Kayla put out her hands and Mike looked them over and said, “I think you know the grade now.  You are down to a C as you need to work on not biting your nails.  Tell you what, Jenny will take you for a manicure and pedicure, on us, as a welcome gift.  How does that sound?”

“Great, Sir,” said Kayla.   Her eyes now showed a spark and enthusiasm that hadn’t been present before.

“Alright, now, your breasts,” said Mike.  Just so you know, I am making this up as I go.  I hadn’t given inspections any thought until you seemed desperate for some guidance from us.  Clearly, I need to have some requirements of presenting your breasts.”

Mike put his fingers on his chin as if this required deep contemplation as he stared at Kayla’s breasts.

He snapped his fingers and said, “I got it.  When I call inspection, I want you to quickly tweak or pull your nipples so that they are as erect as you can get them in say, 10 seconds. That should be enough to satisfy what I am looking for.  Please do that for me now.”

With that, Kayla raised each hand to one breast, pinched her nipples and twisted and pulled for about 10 seconds, just long enough to get them to protrude a bit.  This even prompted a giggle from Kayla and a smiling “How’s that, Sir?”  She seemed to be totally at ease now and appeared to like the fact that Mike was looking at her breasts so intently.

“Great,” said Mike, “no change in your grade so you are still at a C, in fact, they look so nice maybe I’ll raise your grade to a B.”

Kayla laughed and said, “But Sir, when talking about my breasts I prefer to hear “C” and not “B.”  This was clearly a reference to her describing her breasts to me as “barely a C cup.”   Mike laughed and smiled and said, “Okay, then, you are still a C.”   All of this was even more evidence that Kayla had quickly become relaxed and comfortable.

He then gazed down between the stubble between her legs and said, “Now, tell me what you got going on down stairs?”

Kayla said, “Well sir, I normally keep it bare but I am a bit overdue for a shave.   I wasn’t expecting to be naked for anyone.”

“Fair enough,” Mike agreed, “but if you are going to be bare it needs to stay cleanly shaven at all times.  You’ll need to make a daily habit of shaving as anything less than totally smooth will decrease your grade.  So, if this were a real inspection, you would now be at D.

“And, now your toes.  I guess you can’t bite your toenails so they look nice.  So, there you have it, if this would have been a real inspection you would have a D and both you and Jen would be punished.  Again, I want the two of you to be accountable to each other to always be ready for an inspection at any time.

“Yes, Sir, but just so you know,” Kayla responded with a smile on her face, “I can bite my toenails, I just chose not to.”

“What?” Mike said a bit bewildered.

“Let me show you, Sir,” And with that, Kalya sat down and proceeded to put her toe in your mouth.  “Yes, I am very flexible” she proclaimed.

It was amazing how Kayla transformed in the span of a few minutes.  What had just been a bundle of nerves, shyness, and embarrassment was now comfortable, bubbly, and proud.  I couldn’t be more elated with what Mike was able to accomplish with this impromptu inspection idea.  It was unexpected and amazing, but wasn’t quite over.

Mike then said, “Oh, I almost forgot, the inspection isn’t quite over.  Kayla, please stand back up, turn around, and bend over.”

Kayla did so but was a bit befuddled.

“Okay, reach back and spread your ass cheeks,” commanded Mike.  Kayla did so and I could see once again she was pursing her lips.

Okay Kayla, sorry to say that you are now an F.  I expect your asshole to be clean as a whistle at all times, clean enough to eat, literally.  Okay, stand back up.”

Well, that was a buzzkill.  Mike then asked me to stand in front of him and he proceeded to inspect me.  It isn’t important to the story, but I got a B – hey, we had never done an inspection before so I wasn’t prepared.  I will be next time, as will Kayla.

With my inspection complete Mike asked Kayla if she had any questions or concerns about everything that had transpired thus far.

“Yes, Sir,” she said, “I just keep thinking about the inspection of my butt.  The mood was just getting so positive and then that.  Was that really necessary?”

Mike paused for a moment as he calculated his response.   “Necessary.  Necessary.  Humm… great word.”

Mike continued, “I think other than the lesson that mistakes should be welcomed as part of your growth, the next best lesson is actually about that word.  What is necessary?”   My mind jumped to a scene in the movie The Matrix as Morpheus discusses “What is real” with Neo, but I digress.

“Kayla, necessary to what?  Heck, Jen and I were married almost 25 years before Domestic Discipline.  Is it necessary for me to spank Jen or discipline her in any particular way?   Is it necessary to have an assortment of paddles, or use butt plugs, nipple clamps, or a tack bra?   Is submission itself even necessary?  The answer is simple.  No, it is not necessary.”

“In fact, Kayla, I think this takes our discussion full circle to where Jen and I started with you regarding our advice.  What is necessary is up to you.  My role is to help you find what is necessary to give you the level of submission and fulfillment that you want for yourself.  What is it that will give you the positive feelings that you want, that allows you to meet your commitments to yourself, and to allow you to become more like the person you strive to be?  I read enough in your paper to see that you want to become more confident in your body image.  I believe the best way to get comfortable in your skin is to, well, show more skin.  Through the continued acceptance and admiration that you will experience, the greater your confidence will grow.”  Laughingly, Mike then said, “Kayla, before long you’ll be willing to show anyone your asshole for no particular reason.”

We all laughed.  With that, Mike said, “Now let’s finish reading your document and talk about what’s next.”

Kayla asked, “Can we get dressed now, Sir.”

“No.  You might as well get used to both of you being naked around the house as long as the kids aren’t around.”

We completed reading her document and talking more about her vision for her submission and how the living arrangements would work.   I’ll share more about her document and our next steps in my next post.

Happy Thanksgiving!

NEXT: 93. Post Inspection.  Defining Needs.

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

84. Happy Place

observant

This post is mostly about Donna.  There was an “incident” this week worth sharing regarding our “experiment” with Donna staying with us while John is away. (I shared the story of when Mike went out of town in this post).   As I mentioned in another prior post, John required Donna to follow all the rules I am subject to, just as if my contract with Mike applied to her.  That lasted through yesterday and starting today she went back to her normal rules with Mike filling in for John.

Having Donna around has been wonderful.  I’ve had a lot of free time this week as the tasks get done in no time.   In addition to the helping hand from a fellow sub, I have a friend to talk with and, as a final bonus, an extra lover to share with.  As I suspected though, it has been far easier on me and Mike than it has been on Donna.  Here’s what happened:

THE INCIDENT
There was a point in the day yesterday where we weren’t quite done with our tasks when Donna proclaimed she was taking a break.  I told her I appreciated her help but the responsibility with the chores are mutual, and I prefer we finish before taking a break.  She encouraged me to take a break as well, but I told her I could not.  I didn’t want to come off as the bitch, but, I wanted to get everything done first.

I shared with her that I learned from experience that if I procrastinate, things can happen and then the tasks don’t get done.  That would be unacceptable to me and to Mike.  And – we didn’t have that much more to do anyway!   Her logic was, “Well Jen, since there isn’t that much more to do, you can just do it.”    So I did, but told her was compelled to tell Mike.

I reminded her that John asked Mike to question us about the day and specifically ask if she did her fair share.  I told her I cannot lie to Mike and would have to tell him.  I felt bad.  Donna was a huge help and I know this has been hard on her.  But, John set this rule for her and she should understand that rules from our Sirs are, well, the rules.  She wasn’t open to hearing me and flippantly said, “As long as everything is done what’s the big deal and tomorrow I can make up for it.”

I responded that I was not in a position to barter on behalf of John.  She continued to resist and said, “I’ve pretty much done my fair share today.”   I told her that this was true up to the point she sat down, but unless she gets up and helps finish things up that it would be untrue.  She shrugged me off.

In the evening when our son was watching TV, Mike pulled Donna and me aside to ask us about our day. He of course asked about the fair share of the workload.  I looked at Donna and said, “Sorry, Donna, but I have to be truthful.”  I proceeded to tell Mike what had happened.

SPANKING
Mike ordered both of us to the bedroom.  We both went to my room, disrobed, and stood in separate corners waiting for Mike.  It was a bit over an hour before he finally came in as he waited for our son to go to bed.  That was the longest I’ve ever stood in the corner and I was puzzled why I should be punished for Donna’s behavior.

When Mike came in he called us over and asked each of us bend over and he gave us each some warm ups with his hand.  He asked us why we were being punished.  Donna stated it was because she didn’t do her fair share of the work today, but for me, I had no clue.

Mike confirmed Donna explanation and added that John was explicit in his instructions and her failure to obey them by not doing her fair share was indeed why he would need to spank her.  Then, per our rules Mike administered another spanking on me for not knowing the reasons why I was being punished.  He then told me the reason. I was being punished for apologizing to Donna.   WTF?!?

Mike said that I should never apologize for my submission.  Being truthful is part of my submission and not something to apologize for.  He said my apology was basically apologizing for being submissive.  He said if my submissiveness inconveniences Donna, so be it.  No different than if Donna’s submission to John inconveniences me.   Mike said I was being punished for being disrespectful to my own submission.

Whoa!  I was a bit dumbfounded.  Part of me was thinking, “Are you serious?” while another part of me was, “Wow, Mike, how observant and creative, and yes, you are absolutely correct!”

Mike said this was a serious issue and the spanking was going to be with the prison strap.  He skipped the “Over/Under” game which was another signal to me that he was in a more serious mood about this transgression.   I got 17, then Donna got 12.

MISSING JOHN
Uncharacteristically, Donna cried and got very emotional.  She takes punishments very stoically and I’ve seen her gleefully take far worse in “fun” scenes her and John put on for us.  As I shared before, their relationship is a bit more M/s and BDSM.  I knew it wasn’t because of the sting from the spanking.

Donna apologized to me and Mike and reassured us it wasn’t anything we did.  She shared that it was hard being out of her normal routine.  In the past when John was gone she at least had her routine to keep her “observant,” as she put it.  Even though John ordered her to follow my routine, it just didn’t feel “observant” to her.   She said a part of her wanted to rebel and that was her motivation for not finishing the work.

She has been at this submissive thing much longer than me and really relies on John to keep her centered and focused.  I hadn’t really considered that submissiveness can lead to a greater dependency on the Dom.  You get so accustomed to giving such incredible focus on the needs of your Dom and being “observant” to your submission that you feel out of sync when your Dom isn’t around.

MY REFLECTIONS
I know I missed Mike when he was out of town, but I didn’t miss him the way Donna misses John.  I think having my son to focus on and still having my routine made it easy for me when Mike was gone.   Although John did task her following my rules from Sunday to Wednesday, it still didn’t feel quite like she was serving him.  She said it felt like she was serving Mike and me.

The good news was this occurred on the last day she had to adhere to the rules I have.   Today she was extremely upbeat and cheerful.  At the moment I am writing this she and Mike are over at her house getting some daily “treatment” that John usually gives her.  It involves hot wax, vibrator, whip, and sex.   What a treatment!  Afterwards Mike will come home and Donna will stay home awhile longer and Skype with John, which will include some kinky acts I am sure. Then Donna will come over and spend the night with us.

I am not sure what John has in store for her starting Sunday, as he indicated he would have further changes in routine for Donna to follow.  Both Mike and Donna will share with John what happened and the reasons why, so perhaps John won’t revert back to having her be subject to my routine and rules.  I know between Mike and John they will come up with something creative and rewarding for Donna.

Interesting, but Donna still helped out today with all my chores.  There were three major differences.  One, it was her choice to help out.  Two, she got to do them with her collar on.  Finally, she got to wear her “item of the day.”   John and Donna have a TTWD where one hour a day she has to wear the “item of the day.”   It could be a tack bra (and she has a mean looking tack bra made with upholstery tacks), butt plug, nipple/clit clamps, ankle or wrist cuffs, and I am sure I am forgetting some other things.,   Yes, sometime she has to walk around with her feet cuffed. There is enough slack that she can walk, but she has to take very small steps.  Although Mike and I haven’t tried everything they do, you can see where I get some of my ideas!

I am glad this incident resolved itself amicably.  More fun and adventure ahead!  I learned that Donna’s happy place is when she is mindful and observant to her submission.  I have identified many words in several different posts to describe my own feelings about submission – calm (Post 23), love, sexy,  and sensible (Post 27), open (Post 30),  fulfilling (Post 33), but I forgot the most basic one.

Happy!   Submission is my happy place too.

Next:  85.  Light or Dark?  Source of Submission.