Tag Archives: submit

60. Mine, Mine, Mine! Rediscovering my Thrill.

thrill
Did ‘ya notice I used an image for the first time on my prior post?  I’ve been wanting to do that but due to time constraints I always opted for the just plain text approach as I know I would spend way too much time trying to find that perfect picture.   Well, as much as I liked the picture on that post, it wasn’t me that did that. (although I did pick out the one on this post).

I mentioned before that I will often write my posts here and there throughout the day or couple of days.  Even when I am done I often let it sit for a bit and then come back and give it a final proof read and then post.  Well, last night I was already in bed asleep and Mike came in to get ready for bed.  I woke up and we talked a bit.  Mike asked me if I happened to post anything and I said no, but I had one ready to go and just need to give it a final proof read before I post. He said, “I’ll post it for you.”

I said, “No thank you Sir, I’ll get it tomorrow.”   He insisted, “No, I want to try that. Give me your login.”

Wow, that was a very dom-like request.  He is definitely getting the hang of it, but I wasn’t in a mood to give kudos.   This blog was MY space, my thoughts, and just plain old mine, mine, mine!   It reflects me.  I didn’t want him invading that space.

My response was sincere and not argumentative.  “Mike, I appreciate it, but I am not sure it says what I want it to say just yet and I need to review it.”

“But Jen, you said it was done and just needed a final proof read. I can check for typos you know.”

I responded, “I know Sir, but I think of the blog as part of me, and I want to do the posting.”
Mike quickly responded, “Sure, it is a part of you, and you want me to be in control of all parts of you, so give me the password.”

So I did and he logged in and posted that prior post for me.   He didn’t change anything, just fixed a typo or two and added the image.   It pained me as he was looking for an image and commenting on how it would be more appealing if I used images.  In my head I was thinking, “no shit, but don’t always have the time to spend looking for just the right image because I’ve got so many things to do.”   Even as I was thinking this I was also thinking to myself, “That is not a very submissive thought and, despite any anger, I am getting that nice sub-tingle feeling with Mike being dominant.”   I had this internal dialogue going on the same time I was talking to Mike.  It was like the pre-DD Jenny arguing with the submissive Jenny.   I made several attempts to persuade Mike to stop.  Ultimately, the final product looked fine, but my issue wasn’t about the final product, only that the final product wasn’t 100% produced by me.

I found my Thrill – Revisited.
Mike and I continued to talk about it.  I remained calm and respectful although inside I was mad.  Luckily I was able to stay calm and avoid a spanking over it.   Mike pointed out one of my prior posts, “I found my Thrill.”  In that post I wrote that full submission is a state of full attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  I further stated that submission is about total surrender of physical, emotional, and mental self. . . a state of pure bliss I wrote that this was the very source of my thrill about submission.

“Are there going to be exceptions, such as your blog?” Mike said rhetorically.   “Jen, you say you want and need to be submissive, but you tend to find little things that you want to exempt.  That is fine with me if that is the submission you want, but frankly, I don’t believe you do.  You may want that in the moment, but then you later feel lacking in your submission but can’t always identify why.  I think it is because you try to take these little exemptions here and there.  Well, I am not going to allow it.  I can edit or change your posts as I choose.  I have no desire to change your online persona from the person you are, but you’ll just have to trust me on that.  I am not going to answer to you on this issue, so just accept it.”

Wow.  I was stunned.   Stunned in a very hot, sexy, and tingling all over way.  He was being the Dominant I want.   I gave a very pleasing, “Yes, sir” with my eyes big and a smile!

While I have been getting more submissive – I’ve been saying the phrase in my head, “it’s not my preference, but I’ll do it” with ever-increasing frequency lately – Mike was right.  I still tend to probe for too many exceptions and perhaps Mike has been too quick to grant them in the past.  Not that I won’t still share my feelings, and not that Mike still won’t allow exceptions for me, but it was clear, it is Mike who is calling the shots now.  No longer is he just executing on my specific requests with the exactness that I have explicitly agreed to and taking our dynamic only in the specific course that I have set.  Now, he is leading.

His phrase was, “I may decide to allow you to have certain things of your own, but never will I allow us to violate the values of our DD and our D/s dynamic.  The result is, sometimes the answer will be no, and you’ll accept that answer the first time or else you will be punished.”

Yes, sir!

Next: 61. The Iceman Commeth

48. Birth of a Dom. Backstory.

This post belongs with the post “47. Birth of a Dom.”   You should read that one up to the point it links you to this post, prior to reading this one.     

Here is an example of events from the last two days living under my Attitude Adjustment.

We woke up.  He and I exchanged “good mornings” and he immediately corrected me.   “It’s good morning, Sir.   That will be an Immediate Reward.  Stay where you are.” (Which was in bed, on my belly, and already naked).   He got up and pulled the covers off.  I didn’t count but figure he gave me about 25 and they were very firm ones by hand.   Per our Contract, Immediate Rewards are delivered quickly and without warm ups.  He then asks me why I received the Reward and I replied, “I forgot to say ‘Sir’, Sir.”

With that he gave me about another 25 very firm ones, again by hand.  This is all keeping with how Immediate Rewards are administered per the Contract.  Spanking, state the reasons for it, then final spanking.  There was appropriate after care and that was that.

Then it was on to the Calisthenics of Doom
As per our morning ritual under our “Attitude Adjustment” period, I got out of bed and immediately dropped to the floor into “push-up” position ready to receive another spanking.  However, Mike had a twist.  Normally the “push up” spankings are where I am in the push up position while he spanks me, I don’t actually do push-ups.  If my knees touch, the spanking starts over.  This time he told me I had to actually do a push up between spankings.  I am not in the greatest shape, plus I am getting spanked, so 10 is not that easy for me, especially when he is spanking me slowly and I have to hold the position a long time.  He used his belt.  The first time I got to 7 and then barely touched the floor with a knee.  The second time and third time I only got to 5.  After that my arms were getting tired.  I only made it to four, then to just three.  That’s 24 spankings!   He said I would get another 24 since I couldn’t finish.  He had me get up and bend over and hold my ankles.  If I let go, the 24 would start over.  This time he used the new 12’ oak paddle with holes and was striking fairly firmly and rapidly.

This paddle is not too bad but he was doing them quickly so the stings rapidly multiplied, and keep in mind I already received 50 by hand and 24 with the belt.  I had to use our safe word to take a pause a little more than half-way through.  I regained myself and made it through the rest without incident.  He said that each morning would be like this until I could make it through the 10 push-ups.  Suffice to say, I willed myself through all 10 push-ups every day since.

Once the push-ups were done, it was on to the Jumping Jacks.  This is where he puts these nipple clamps on me that are a little heavy and I have to do 10 jumping jacks in a row.  The jumping jacks will stop if I can’t make it to 10, but then I earn 10 spankings for every jumping jack I didn’t do.  I have never made it past 5 before as the heavy clamps are just too much.    Anyway, after already being spanked very firmly 98 times now, I was going to try my best to get all the way to 10.  I made it to 8, a personal best, before I just had to put my arms down and grab my bend over from the pain.  Mike then told me to bend over and rest my elbows on the bed to, “Get the 20 I owed him.”   A term he hadn’t used before.   This time he used a rubber paddle, that is sort of half-way like a wooden paddle and half-way like a strap, but the texture seems to have more of a bite as it always makes me a bit raw.

That’s 118 spankings to start the morning.  That got the heart pumping and blood flowing better than a triple expresso, with the added pain/pleasure of my ass pulsating throughout breakfast.

Once the calisthenics were done, I got up and immediately got out the tack bra and put it on, as expected of me during this Attitude Adjustment period.

Now let me digress a bit about the bra. . .

I’ll get back to the experience that morning in a moment, but first want to relate what happened the day before regarding the bra.  After several inspections of my breasts upon removing the bra, Mike decided they weren’t poking me enough.  I would have little red dots here and there, and a few light scratches here and there, but he felt that didn’t reflect a very high level of discomfort.  Hate to admit it, but he was right.  While I was always feeling their presence, they only a minor nuisance except for an occasional poke when I would reach up, or bend a certain way, or if something pressed up against my chest.  The tacks were not in very firmly so there was some give to them.   While that was good from a poking perspective, it did mean they would sometimes shift to the side and scrape instead of poke.  They did actually stick me sometimes where I have pull them out, but they don’t go deep.  I never drew blood.

After his inspection Mike added 10 more tacks to each cup, making it 45 in each and even carefully lined some up to come out at around my nipples – an area I had purposely avoided putting any.  Once he made the adjustment I found it was just too much on my sensitive nipples and one was really sticking one of my nipples.  My dilemma was what to say to him.  While I can’t complain, I am compelled to be honest and to share what I am feeling, so, with that I said as matter-of-factly as possible,

“Sir, while they can stay if you want them do, the tacks near my nipples are proving challenging.   I think my reaction when they poke or scrape will cause our son to ask more questions, and they also may prevent me from doing certain tasks without serious injury.”

There.  I said it without asking him anything or complaining.  Just the facts!  He then gave me a choice.

“Okay Jen, you can adjust them, but first, come here.”

He looked me straight in the eyes as his hands went up my shirt and over my bra.  He firmly squeezed and said, “Count to 10.”

I was shocked as this seemed unnecessary and mean.  I already said they were hard to deal with and I had not even had it on for very long.  Now he presses them into me?

I didn’t argue and started counting.

Once to 10 he said, “Okay, take it off and make your adjustments.”

I took off my shirt and as I removed my bra, there were several that had pierced my skin, enough that when I let go of the bra it stayed pinned to my tits.  He watched as a plucked the three or four that had penetrated each breast and then casually said, “Make your adjustments and get it back on.”

This really shocked me as it seemed punitive and mean.  Had this been prior to our argument I know I would have said something.  I again did my best to dismiss the increasing thoughts I was having that he was just being mean and he must be angry at something.  Despite those feelings I didn’t say anything other than, “Yes, Sir.”

Okay, back to the morning experience.

I put on the bra and we went about our morning routine.  Our son was still asleep so it was just Mike and I that were awake.  I had just made some eggs and was walking the plate over to the table when Mike walked in the kitchen.  Suddenly he took my wrist and walked me to our bathroom.  He had never grabbed me in such a way before.   He had me pull down my pants as he grabbed the hairbrush and gave me 20 quick ones.  It was another Immediate Reward.  ? ? ?   I am supposed to state what I did wrong, but honestly I didn’t know.  That meant another 20 quick ones.  Then Mike explained I had left egg shells in the sink.  I rudely told him that I hadn’t started cleaning yet.

He then told me to bend over and he gave me another 20 quick ones.  At least I was able to explain why.

“I should not have talked back, Sir.”

He lectured and said I am not to create extra work and the moment I put the eggs in the sink I should have made sure they were down the drain and not left them behind for even a minute later.  He then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for the egg shell issue, and then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for talking back.  That’s right, it was 100 with the hairbrush.  I already had 118 to start the morning.  I got the normal aftercare and “all is forgiven” and then he went to have his breakfast.

I was dumfounded, and my ass was sore.  218 in about a thirty minute period is a lot for me, and all of them were very firm ones.  I felt like crying because by this time my suspicions that he was mad were no longer just suspicions.  He had to be mad at me and he had never given punishments before in anger.

When he left for work, it was only about 10 minutes to 8:00.  As part of my “Adjustment,” once he is ready to leave for work I can remove my bra and he will put clips on my nipples.  I have a small, somewhat discreet pair that hide well under the right clothing.  They have a little screw mechanism that tightens or loosens the pinch they can deliver.   When Mike said he was about ready to leave it was my cue to go to the bedroom and remove my shirt and bra and have the clamps in my hand ready to give to Mike.  Mike came in and put the clamps on and gave them a couple of extra twists so they were really tight.  He said, “Since they only have to be on for 10 minutes, they should be extra snug.”   Then he kissed me goodbye and left for work.

I was tempted to loosen them.  Not because it was unbearable, but I felt the entire morning was full of anger and spite on his part, so in spite I should loosen them, or even just remove them.  But I didn’t.  Despite what I was feeling, enough of me was still saying to trust Mike and stick with the program.

I set my alarm on my phone to go off every hour so I can add/remove whatever is required.  I am also required to text Mike with simply, “Made the change.”  Mike did check up on my sometimes, requiring me to Facetime with him and show him that yes, I made the change.  While Mike never set a strict time, he did say that I was not to ever swap items early and could deviate by being late by no more than a “few minutes.”   Other than any Facetime check-in’s this was the honor system, but our DD requires me to be honest, and I am committed to being honest.

That afternoon I had some errands to run and had my son with me.  I was out for a few hours and it was kind of comical as it came time to swap something out.  Finding a restroom is easy enough, but sometimes timing things would be a challenge.  If I had to be in a line that I could tell could take 10 minutes, but only had 5 until “changing” time, do I risk it?  Nope, I’d find some reason to putter around for another five minutes, then have to find the restroom, then got in line.  I had to tell my son my tummy was a bit upset, thus the many bathroom breaks.  I had already told him that my occasional flinch or shriek from the tacks was due to a sore back that would twinge when I moved just right.  Oh the things we have to tell our kids in order to live our DD lifestyle!

So it was about 3:45 and I was ready to head home.  I was about maybe 10 minutes from home, 15 max, so I felt like I could make it home by the 4pm “change.”  It was either that or wait around 15 minutes, find a bathroom, and then leave for home.  I had enough of that and I knew I could make it, so I headed home.

Damn traffic!

There was a stop light that was malfunctioning that caused traffic to back up.  When I got home I rushed to my room and took the clamps off and got my plug in and looked at the time, 4:12.  Not too bad.

I texted Mike, “Change made.”

He texted back, “Coming home now.”

I wasn’t sure if that was in response to me being late, or he was just letting me know he was getting off early.  Given the events of the morning, I was reading anger into his text, so suspected it was the former, not the latter.

When he got home he greeting me and our son as usual.  Some relief on my part, until he whispered in my ear, “You need to go to your room.  I want you naked and kneeling in corner. Lock the door and get up only to let me in.”

When our son is home I don’t undress while waiting for Mike to come to the room to give me a spanking.  This is in case our son happens to walk in the room while I am waiting.   Once Mike is in the room I will disrobe as we will have locked the door.  This was different.  By itself no big deal, but again, it just seemed like he was looking for ways to be mean and mess with routine.

He knocked on the door and I got up and let him in.

He said, “Back to the corner.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

He got out of his work clothes then came out and said 12 minutes late was not acceptable.  At this point I was frustrated with the entire day’s events and had to say something.  I knew I shouldn’t try to make excuses for being late, so I instead just simply said, “Sir, what’s wrong, you seem angry?”

He called me over from the corner and said, “I am not angry, I would never punish you in anger.  Now you know you are not to speak when you are in the corner and you are not to question a punishment.  You have your Maintenance Session on Sunday where you can ask for clarification.   Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

“Do you know why you are receiving this Reward,” he asked?

“Yes, Sir, I was late taking the clamps off and putting the plug in.  And I talked while I was in the corner.”

“Correct, that’s two Rewards.  Get the Prison Strap,” he ordered.

He had me lay on my stomach on the bed.   He said these were going to be very hard ones but would just be five.   He went and turned the shower on and the TV on in our room to help muffle the noise.  Thus far we’ve been able to execute all Rewards without raising questions from our son about noise.

While my ass was no longer pulsating for the 218 from the morning, it was still very sensitive.   The first whack caused me to bury my face deep into a pillow, and the second one caused me to scream into the pillow.  Yes, there was pain, but despite what Mike said, I still felt these were angry spankings.  Along with the pain was worry and yes, for the first time ever, a bit of fear.

I got through the five but was crying quite heavily.   Mike told me to stay in the room, get the Wand and masturbate, then shower and relax.  He was going to take our son with him to go pick up dinner and bring it home so I wouldn’t have to cook.

While not having to cook was a nice gesture, I wasn’t in a masturbating mood, but girls, that changes almost instantly when you touch that wonderful wand to your clit.   As lovely as climaxing is, and as relaxing as the shower was, I was still worried about Mike’s behavior.

That evening we had our dinner and I got our son to bed.  When I got out to the living room Mike immediately tells me to go to my room, get naked, and wait for him kneeling in the corner.   I thought, but didn’t say it, “WTF, what now?”   I went to the room, disrobed, and stood in the corner.  He kept me waiting for thirty minutes.

I let him in the room and went back to my corner to await instructions.  He didn’t say anything.  He went to use the bathroom then came out and turned on the TV and watched for another fifteen minutes or so.   My knees were hurting as our hard floors are not ideal for extended kneeling.

Finally he turns off the TV and calls me over.  He didn’t ask me why I was about to be punished, as he clearly knew I had no clue.

He said, “Since I’ve been home you’ve been sulking. Your blank stares and expressionless responses to things are displeasing to me.  No doubt you are aware, as I am sure your ass is fully aware as well, that I have been strict lately.  Did you think I would let that sulking go unpunished?”

“No, sir,” I replied.

“Well, I will let it go.  I will make this one last exception.  Let me explain.”

? ? ? I was perplexed? ? ?

Return to 47. Birth of Dom

NEXT: 49. Revealing More

33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment.

Just a quick post as soon my parents are picking up my son for a two-week stay with them. Mike and I are eager to begin our M/s immersion!   Mike has been sharing the rules for our immersion with me so I can be prepared and suffice to say, I am excited. There are some things that are quite shocking for me and that will be very uncomfortable (not just physically, but emotionally), but I am eager to please and willing to try everything he has laid out thus far. It seems so odd that the more I submit to Mike, the more I want to submit. It feeds on itself.

I’ve shared some of the reasons I believe are behind this in posts like Quick Reflections. I have another quick thought on why this has been so fulfilling for me. I have always tended to be more “reason-based” in my thinking. I would think through the various angles and then arrive at a conclusion. “Reason” is good that way. It results in conclusions.

One of the best rules of our DD is that I share everything and share it immediately, including my thoughts, dreams, and desires. The result is I am thinking more freely, thinking and sharing more on emotion, sharing what I am feeling in that moment, without any filters of “reason.”  I have found it liberating to share those thoughts. What I’ve found is that while “reason” is a good way to arrive at a sound conclusion, it is “emotion” that leads to fulfillment and action.

It is emotion that reveals the essence of who you are. Sharing that essence with Mike, and having him accept it and reciprocate that sharing is at the heart of why this has been so rewarding to me.

Okay, enough of my esoteric ramblings. It’s time for my immersion to begin. I may not post for a while. Mike has said no posting (or even asking for posting time) unless he specifically tells me to do so.

NEXT: 34. Immersion Complete

7. Accepting Punishment

The thoughts of my husband spanking me at best seemed silly, and at worst uncomfortable, demeaning, and humiliating.   I am not a child – and I don’t even believe in spanking children.  Even just thinking about the submissive nature of positioning my body to be spanked.  That didn’t “sit” well with me (ha – some spanking humor).  Oh yeah, and then there is the pain part.

Yep.  I was pretty convinced that I would never get comfortable with the thought of physical punishment.  But my mind kept working at it because as I shared in my prior post, I was convinced there was something DD could do to help my life in a profound and meaningful way.

I tried a Pro and Con list but it didn’t really work.  The only positive is that I have always liked a little pain with sex – light spanking when in a doggy position or very hard nipple twisting (I would often tell Mike to twist/pull harder!).  But that was sex, not punishment.  And then there were the non-physical forms of punishment.  The withholding of privileges or corner time.  I kept thinking maybe I could come up with something that has the rules but other consequences.  But what consequences?

Anything I thought of short of what DD calls for seemed shallow, and I wanted to be fully committed and wanted my husband to fully commit. I realized that because the thought of punishments was so abhorrent to me, that perhaps that is the point.  I should have a punishments consistent with providing an incentive to uphold my commitments to myself.  Since nothing else seemed like an appropriate way to be held accountable, I started warming up to the idea of being spanked.

I went back to the fact that I realized my life was not in good order.  In good order according to my wishes and desires – not anyone elses.  I was not living up to my own standards and I was not happy and it was mostly of my own doing.

The thought of giving my husband many of the controls continued to intrigue me.  I felt it would reduce my burdens, and give me structure to accomplish the things I want to accomplish as a person, a wife, and a mother. To really commit to my duties and obligations, I needed a strong consequence when I failed.

Ultimately, I never fully reconciled it in my mind to the point I was “for” it.   I simply decided to put aside my issues with the punishment and take a chance with DD.   A tremendous release came over me once I resigned myself to the idea of punishment. I knew I was ready for DD.  Now, how do I get my husband on board?

NEXT – 8.NOW I am ready to get hubby aboard.