Not THAT kind of restriction! Ha. Sorry, I couldn’t find an image to deal with what I am writing about. I am talking about having various privileges taken away, specifically the recent restrictions Mike used as discipline. By the way – he ended all of my restrictions this morning! Yea!
I am not sure how to organize my thoughts on this so this may come across disjointed and rambling (Hey! Whoever just whispered, “Isn’t that all your posts?” I heard that!). I also need to blog a bit more quickly and not edit so much (Hey, stop that, I heard that too. Who just mumbled, “Since when have you edited?). It may be better to simply see my stream of consciousness anyway. I’ve showed you so many parts of me, so now we are really getting kinky. I don’t show my stream of consciousness to just anyone!
I AM A FRAUD
I feel like a fraud. My last post leaned heavily towards me finding healing, although I did admit I was not all the way there. However, I boldly wrote, “When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead. I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.”
Yeah, not so much.
Mike came by probably two hours after my last post. He brought me a barbecue plate and other sides that they had made at John’s. Instead of being appreciative, instead of saying all the things I planned to say, I whined and complained. It earned me quite the spanking. Mike even demanded an apology. Something he has never done before. I mean, I often say, “I am sorry, Sir” but this time he told me I needed to apologize to him. Of course I did. I felt terrible.
Luckily, that evening, I was more in control of my feelings and was able to do as I planned. The humbling act of contrition, clearly demonstrating my submission and surrender to his guidance – it was more healing than anything else I’ve done. It felt good to verbalize my commitment to follow his lead.
Anyway, yes, the “restriction” thing really has me perplexed. It wasn’t just missing the Super Bowl party. It was everything about it. I’ve never been put on restriction like that. I really don’t like that punishment. I can’t quite put my finger on why.
DISCONNECTED FROM MIKE
It feels a little disconnected from Mike. Clearly, he is actively involved in physical punishments. But I also feel he is connected even when I am given corner time or lines.
With corner time he comes to release me. Lines I have to turn in for his approval. But restrictions? They just linger around. He doesn’t have anything to do other than order them and lift them. He doesn’t even have to think about it until he is ready to lift them. No physical investment and very little emotional investment. I guess that is why I don’t feel connected to him.
I never realized that it was important to me to have Mike more physically and emotionally connected to my discipline. In some ways this could be interpreted as me needing his “attention,” but that is not the right word. I never got into DD for attention. I’ve known since the start of our DD that I enjoy connecting with him regarding my discipline. I think that is it. It goes back to my last post about self-discipline (SD). Having him involved in furthering my SD is important to me, and restrictions just don’t give him a level of involvement that is satisfying to me.
DRAWN OUT PUNISHMENT
I also don’t like the protracted negative consequences that come with restrictions. Being disciplined is a somber event. Lot’s of various emotions like I shared on Post 178. Embracing Shame.
Being put on restriction is void many of those emotions, or, it extends some of them, such as shame, to the point it hurts. What I mean is, the emotions I feel during a spanking are acute — intense and short-lived. They end with the Closing Ceremony and I quickly reconcile my misbehavior with both myself and with Mike. But with restrictions, the emotions are chronic – not as intense, but they linger throughout the entire restriction period. It just feels awful to feel so awful for so long.
Yeah, I don’t like restrictions.
If they have a silver lining, it is that after the fact, in looking back on them, it tickles my submissive-spot to know that I accept such discipline from Mike. As much as I dislike them, knowing that he can put me on restriction at any time pushes all my pleasure buttons! Oh, such is the mind of a submissive!