Tag Archives: spanked

147. Submissive Roller Coaster

147

I thought about what a graph would look like if I plotted my emotional state since adopting Domestic Discipline in early 2015.  On the left of the graph would be negative thoughts that deal with feelings of uneasiness and lack of fulfillment.  To the right would be happy thoughts dealing with confidence and satisfaction.  My graph would be trend very sharply upwards and to the right.

But growth in life is rarely a straight line up. Life plots out more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. . . and it’s share of loops!  And if we are fortunate, when it is time to get off, we reflect fondly on the highs and have few, if any, regrets. 

After about 27 months of sharply going up and up and up, I’ve hit a bit of a downward trend.  I am confident I will reverse this through my usual positive self-reflective habits. But, I am not there yet. So what’s my funk about?

I’ve shared that lately I’ve been punished more so than usual – prompted by my own request of Mike.  I asked him to help me in subduing my non-submissive thoughts.  I want a greater level of submission.  I do not just want to just act submissively, I want to think more submissively.   This has been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

I’ve shared some examples with you on prior posts. Here’s another recent one — I was talking to Mike about something to do with John and Donna and I said, “Well, let’s see what they think.” Mike punished me for my statement saying that I am fully aware of John and Donna’s dynamic and should have phrased it as, “Let’s see what John thinks.”

With each “mistake” in my thinking, I go deeper into over thinking.  Over thinking ways to not think in nonsubmissive ways.  Wow, that’s a mouthful to say, let alone do.  That heavy focus on my intentions has caused me to perform poorly (flash back to Post 30. I found my thrill).  Not only have there been numerous punishments for not thinking submissive, but I am getting in trouble for other things too.  

Ha!  That makes me smile.  I’ve never framed it before as “getting in trouble.”  That seems like a wrong way to state it, but, hey, the shoe fits!  

I’ve misplaced something – spanked, forgot to pick up a needed item at the store – spanked, left a mess – spanked, etc., etc.,   The more I concentrate, the more I Transgress.  It has even impacted my demeanor and the result?  I was punished for my “displeasing disposition” in response to something Mike said.  Adding to this has been an increasing sense of irritability.  Case in point – I had a dentist appointment this week (yea, no cavities!), and my appointment was a 9 a.m.  I arrived a few minutes early.  9:20 still waiting, 9:30, still waiting.  At 9:35 they finally attended to me.  

This is enough for anyone to be displeased or annoyed, but I was very upset by this – that is not normal for me.  My thoughts were, “I’ve got things to do and they are being disrespectful of my time.  I would be spanked for showing such disrespect.  How dare they be so flippant about it.”  

Suffice to say I’ve been troubled lately – moody, unfocused, and basically just out of sorts. 

TALKING WITH MIKE
I shared my feelings with Mike in my last Maintenance Session. Mike is a great active listener, even with his new Bachelors of Dominance (ha!).  People may view such compassionate listening as un-Dom like, but I believe it goes to the core of being a good Dom.  I also know such listening skills tend to be uncommon in men in general, and perhaps even more so in Doms. 

Here’s some quick comic relief. It made me think of something funny I came across before and was able to find again. Check this out – It’s Not About the Nail  It makes light of the generalization I just made about how men and women respond when the woman is in need.  Back to my story – 

Mike was able to help me identify the source of my uneasiness – I’ll get back to that in a moment. I first want to state that I give a lot of credit to my DD with how Mike is able to help me, even with things that have nothing to do with discipline.  While he has always been a good listener, pre-DD I rarely shared “problems” with him.  I wanted to be self-sufficient (remember, I had it all together!), and given my counseling background, I felt I shouldn’t have to go to Mike for counsel.  I was the “fixer” (much like the man stereotyped in the “Nail” video).  I  looked to solve my own problems, plus everyone else’s.  My DD requires that I share my feelings and it provides the structure in which to do so where I am comfortable and receptive to Mike’s feedback or guidance. 

So, what’s the source of my uneasiness?  Well. . . getting there is a bit like pealing an onion, one layer at a time.  While each layer is valid, they aren’t the core of the issue so you have to keep peeling.  So here were some of the layers that Mike was able to help me recognize:

  • My growing frustration with my failure to quickly master the new “skills” I desire.
  • That frustration leads me to doubt whether I truly desire this.  Maybe my subconscious is at fault for my failure, as a way of telling me I really don’t want this. 
  • Those doubts lead to other doubts about submission in general, and DD in general.
  • I see Kayla, a sub-newcomer, and half my age, (ahem, okay, a little more than half), quickly internalize the thinking I am striving for? Or at least think I am striving for.
  • I begin to view Kayla’s submissiveness towards me as interfering with my submissive mindset. How can a keep my thoughts submissive when there are times I discipline or have to direct Kayla?   If only Kayla didn’t need me and if only I didn’t feel compelled to help her that way.
  • If I really did fool myself into thinking I want this (deep submissive thinking), how did I let that happen? Do I feel in competition with Kayla, who gets enjoyment from a deeper level of submission than I do?  Did I tell myself, “Well, I can do that too, thus, I want that too.” Even though I really didn’t want it?
  • As I ponder that, I then start projecting my anxiety onto Kayla. I start interpreting her unique needs as somehow selfish of her (as if my unique needs are not selfish). Why did Mike do such-and-such with her? Why does she get to do that?  Why does she get such “special” attention?  I have been a bit intolerant of Kayla lately.  Not very nice. More in a passive-aggressive sort of way, but clearly, not nice.  
  • Sure, I asked for Mike to be strict.  I also asked him to focus on not just my behaviors, but my thinking.  Damn, does he have to do it so well?  Come on, give a submissive a break! He has got to be running out of creative ways to punish me. I am sure running low on wanting to tolerate those punishments.

SUMMER ROUTINE = LESS SUBMISSION
Adding to my mixed soup of emotions is the fact that transition from school to summertime means increased anxiety with J, and thus increased stress on me and the household in general.  

I’ve shared some things before about J’s special needs.  He always has a hard time transitioning, even just from day-to-day activities, but especially with big changes in his routine.  Back to school and the start of summer both mark big changes in his routine.  His already heightened anxiety is off the charts.  

We work hard to immediately go into a structured summer routine that resembles past summers.  This helps, as knowing in advance as to what is to come will help with his adjusting.  This also means lots of planned activities.  We do something every day – go to the park, go to a museum, go to a theme park, etc.  Primarily look for things that require him to walk as it is good exercise (for all of us) and he does better when he is kept active.  This also means a huge break in my submissive routine.  I am gone at least 2-3 hours of the day, sometimes Kayla comes with us as well.  Suffice to say, not getting my full dose of “submission” that I’d like.  That adds to my unfulfilled needs as well as serves to distract me from thinking submissively. 

So, what came of my talk with Mike?  A big spanking, that’s what!  I’ll share that on my next post.  But to be honest, it was a lot more than a spanking.  There was talking too. But still,  I didn’t post for a few days as I needed the benefit of time and further reflection to reconcile what happened.  Which I’ll write about on my next post. 

NEXT: Dom/sub Therapy Session

 

 

77. Heart to Heart with Kayla

h2h

I introduced you to our babysitter, Kayla, in my last post.  Yesterday I invited her to join me on some errands, just the two of us.  Mike took our son on an afternoon out at a local amusement park.

As mentioned in my last post, I decided to “come out” to Kayla regarding my relationship dynamic with Mike.  Overall it went well, but there were unexpected turns and revelations.

We were having lunch and I said, “Kayla, I wanted to talk to you about something very important to me regarding the relationship between Mike and me.”   I proceeded to tell her that about a year and half ago I choose to become submissive to Mike.  I explained why I not only enjoy it but feel I am thriving.  I told her that I am telling her this because I am thriving in so many fulfilling ways and simply put, it brings me great joy.  (Thanks jadescastle for the suggestions re the “joy” line.  I was a great way to accurately and simply sum up my feelings).  “Because of this I don’t like it when I have to suppress or alter my actions when around other people.  Since you spend a lot of time with us, I want to be able to completely be myself, and express myself with Mike as I would normally do.”

Her initial reaction was pretty simple.  “Oh, gosh, I am sorry you felt you had to be different around me.  Thank you for trusting me and sharing that.”

She is such a great person.  She is so self-aware and empathetic and very smart – she finished in the top ten of her high school class.  It was just like her to come at it from my perspective.  Most people react to things about how it impacts them, or inconveniences them, etc.  Not Kayla.

She then asked what exactly was involved in my being submissive.  I explained as simply as I could and focused on it being a way to help me be the person I wanted to be.  I told her I suppose mine was a selfish submission, at least in the beginning, as it was all about what I wanted, but that I recognized my entire family would benefit.  I said that I defer to Mike’s needs and focus intently on meeting his needs, but, again, the genesis of all of it was that it was a way to focus on my own dreams and desires, which are directly linked with being submissive to Mike.

She said something like, “Wow, that is amazing.  I never really noticed anything like that was going on, but, I still don’t understand exactly what it means.  Are we talking ‘50-shades of Grey’ submission?”

I tried to not answer that directly.  Instead, I explained my submissiveness is about accountability to the commitments I have made to myself and to Mike.  It reminded me of how I introduced the concept of DD to Mike way back when.  I avoided the term “spanking” or “punishment” and left it as simply “accountability.”   And, almost verbatim like Mike, she said, “Accountable in what ways?”

My response was that he will point out the times I fail to act in accordance with what I committed to.

She was far more inquisitive and more aware of submission than I was prepared for.  She obviously had seen 50 Shades as she said, “Like putting you over his knee for rolling your eyes?”

I smiled and said, “Look at you with that ’50 Shades’ reference.   Well, honestly, yes, something like that could happen, but it is all in a very different context than what’s in that movie.”

“Oh,” she said.   I could see she connected the dots regarding spankings.

“So Kayla, tell me what you think about this?”

“Honestly I am surprised, but not shocked.  It’s cool.  I see how you and Mike are together and I look up to you all so much as a model for a great relationship.  I’ve never known the specifics of what you all do to make your relationship work, but I’ve always observed that you both treat each other with so much respect.  You two are so relaxed around each other and even when you all disagree with something it is like it is no big deal.  And I am talking about years of watching you.  And you said this submission thing is only a year and half old.  While I never suspected something like that, in looking back now I can say that I did find both of you even more outwardly happy than before.  You’ve both been ultra relaxed and so cool to just be around.  I mean, I always felt that, but yes, in the last year or so even more so.   I thought it was just because I was getting older and thus just more aware and even envious of your relationship.”

She then said, “I am really curious and I want to understand what this means day-to-day.  Would you tell me what the last three things that Mike called you out for and what happened when he did?”

Oh my.  She was wanting me to share my last few punishments!

I said, “I don’t look at it as Mike calling me out.  I expect him to hold me accountable for the things I have agreed to do and for the ways I have agreed to act.  I even hold myself accountable.  And, suffice to say, when I fail to meet my commitments I expect and I receive our agreed upon consequences.  Kayla, I don’t mind sharing a lot of details with you, but let’s not move too fast here.  I’ve shared a lot and I am sure your mind is spinning.   We can talk more about any details later.”

“Okay,” said Kayla, “but what does this really mean regarding changes I should expect to see?”

A very fair question.   I explained that I would be not hide my submissiveness when she was around.  She would hear me always refer to Mike as “Sir” and expect me to more outwardly be deferring to him.

She wanted to know if Mike would spank me when she was around.  I told her that it would be up to him, but that I suspect if I did something wrong he would either send me to my room for a punishment, thus she wouldn’t have to witness it, or, defer it until she left.  Either way, it would be up to Mike.

I told her one of my main concerns with telling her all of this is how she would perceive Mike.  I shared that I had met another submissive couple and, before I understood their dynamic of a submissive lifestyle, I always thought the husband was a jerk.  I didn’t want her to think that way of Mike.

She proceeded to tell me all these glowing things that she thought of about Mike.  How she used to wish Mike was her father and, when she was younger she even had a puppy-love type crush on Mike.   That she thought Mike was an amazing father and so cool to be around.  She then started to cry a little.  She then said, “I guess since you’ve shared something with me, I’d like to share things with you.”

She started to share a lot of very personal stuff with me.  About her parents and about herself.  She was getting pretty shaken up.  We left lunch and I told her we could go to my house as Mike and my son were out.

She continued to share all sorts of things with me on the drive home and once we got there.   There were things about her parents and about her sex life.  She shared that she considered herself bisexual, but preferred the term pansexual.   She was currently in a relationship with one of her best friends and her best friend’s boyfriend.  Basically a poly-type thing but that she didn’t really consider herself a part of their relationship like that, but that she would often join them in threesomes.  She said she had dated both men and women and while she did come out to her parents as “pan” they did not approve.   She said her mother almost kicked her out, but ultimately let her stay.   She said that despite all her great grades and frankly, in my opinion being such a great kid, she felt like she was a disappointment to her parents.

She got highly emotional and upset many times but continued to pour herself out to me.    There was a lot more to what she shared with me that I won’t share here.  She was so open and honest and completely uncensored in what she shared that I thought about just pointing her to this blog and telling her she could learn a lot more here – but, I decided against it, at least for now.

Ultimately, as things calmed down and we had a very lengthy intense talk about the things she shared, she showed her wit by saying, “Okay Mrs. H, so now will you tell me about the last three times you did something wrong?”

After she poured her heart out, I didn’t feel right telling her no.  So, I did.

Three Spankings.
I told her I got a spanking for forgetting a few items from the grocery store and we ran out of several items when we needed them.  I also got punished for leaving the garage door open after I came home from some errands.  This is something I have done on occasion and Mike really up’d the punishment accordingly, but I didn’t share that detail with her.    Then, the last one was just the day before, on Friday afternoon.  Mike took the afternoon off and we went shopping together.  When I got home I forgot to disrobe at the door.  It had been so long since I’ve been somewhere with Mike when our son wasn’t with us or wasn’t home that I just wasn’t thinking about it.   Oh, yes, I then had to share that one of our rules was that I had to be naked whenever I was home and our son was not here, although recently we agreed I could keep my panties on.

Kayla pointed out that my son was not home and I was not naked.   Kayla reminded me that the reason I shared all this with her was that I didn’t want to behave differently when she was around.  “Mrs. H, if you are supposed to be naked, and you told me all this so you could follow your submissive rules around me, then, shouldn’t you be naked now?”

Damn, what to do?  I told Kayla I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable but she assured me she would not be.  Hell!!!  I was also reluctant because of the detail I left out regarding my punishment for the garage door incident.  It wasn’t just a spanking, but also a breast punishment.  Mike decided I needed an escalated punishment for repeating the same transgression many times, and he whipped my breasts.  They still had bruises (they really seem to bruise so much more easily than my butt).   I didn’t want her to see that.  I felt I already shared too much, too soon, and she didn’t need to see that.

Kayla was jokingly relentless.  “Come on Mrs. H., you said you told me all of this because you didn’t want to act differently when I am around.  Well, I am around and you are acting differently.”

I told her, “Yes, that is all true, but I need to make sure it is okay with Mike and he is not here.”

“Text him,” she said slyly.

I told her that I would not and that perhaps next time if my son wasn’t home she just might be seeing me naked in my house.   I told her to remember that my submission is not just about the salacious details of nakedness and spanking and that it is so much deeper than that and that I want her to focus on my love and devotion and not my spankings.

“Okay, Mrs. H.  Okay”

“By the way, Kayla, please just start calling me Jenny.  You can drop the Mrs. H.”

“Okay, Jenny,” I’ll do that.  But Mr. H is still Mr. H., right?”

“You’ve caught on well,” I responded.

Next: 78. Three’s -not- a Crowd?