228. Addicted to Vulnerability (psst..and a spanking story)

I got a spanking last Friday after almost three weeks discipline-free.  That’s a long time for me.  I enjoyed the break.  I was feeling a bit down after many transgressions to end and start the year.  Constantly failing to do as Mike expects (and I expect of myself) wears on me and I was starting to feel like I was failing.  The nice stretch of excellent obedience helped reinvigorate me.  

THE TRANSGRESSION
Mike asked me to organize a bunch of family papers…insurance, invoices, tax documents, stuff like that.  I forgot!  He linked my inattentiveness to my prior transgression of spending too much time on the internet…”You don’t forget to log on the first chance you get, but you forget a chore I assign you.”

THE DISCIPLINE
He was working from home when he realized I failed to do as he asked.  He told me to get a paddle and the nipple clamps with the chain and come back to his office.  He put the nipple clamps on me and added some weights that pulled the chain down.  He had me bend over and he spanked me 10 times on each check with a paddle – so 20 spankings. I then had to organize the files and return when I was done (the clamps stayed on).

I returned to his office about 45 minutes later.  He removed the clamps, lectured me a bit, then told me to stand in the corner.  In about 10 minutes he called me over.  He told me to firmly affix the clamps back on my nipples myself.  He then had me bend over and said I was getting 10 more on each check and, “There will be more if the clamps fall off.”  There is always a bit of jostling to my body during a spanking.  The weighted clamps start swinging, but almost always hold.  I guess I cheated a bit and didn’t have them on as firmly as I should.  One fell off half way through, and the last one fell off on the very last strike.  Thus he gave me an additional 10 more per cheek.

In all that was 30 on each cheek, and in various spots such that my entire ass was very red.  He then peed in a glass and had me stand in the corner and he gave me a few minutes to drink it up.  It was a lot!  Luckily it wasn’t too bad, pee can be pretty tasteless at times.  Anyway, yuck, I know.  This was a bit unusual for a punishment but not unheard of and I accept it.

When I finished drinking he tightly clamped my nipples and told me to stay in the corner.  Again about ten minutes later he walked up to me and told me to take a step or two back and lean against the wall.  There was no count, but I was spanked maybe 10 or 12 more times.  He then told me to pull the clamps off…not unclasp them…simply pull until they snapped off.  Ouch!   We then had our closing ceremony and that was that.  Sore butt and sore nipples!

THE REFLECTION TRAIN
I am almost three years into my DD and find that I don’t reflect on punishments as much as a once did.  I accept them and move on.  But, with almost three weeks punishment free, it put me in the mood to ride the reflection train. 

First stop, give thanks.
Before considering a negative thought for even a nanosecond, it is best to first give thanks.  I am thankful not only for all that DD has given me — more fulfillment than I ever had in the ~24 years of marriage that preceded our DD.  But I am thankful for our routine that allows me to maintain the submissive mindset that I love and thrive in.  Spankings from our Maintenance Sessions and our “leave the house” policy (were I get a quick reminder spanking anytime I leave to go somewhere with Mike) showed their value during the almost three weeks I went without discipline.  

Second stop, doubt.
Yep, even if just for moment, I sometimes take a quick stop at the Doubt Station and wonder why.  Why do I accept this?  Why do I need this?   I think occasional doubt is healthy.  You want to allow yourself to reassess things from time to time.  It doesn’t take me long to quickly squash those doubts.  I simply think through the answer and “poof,” the doubt is gone.  I thrive being submissive, I love everything about my household environment.  ~24 years of non-DD was never as fulfilling!

Third stop, “What if?”
My mind then takes a stop at the “What if?” Station.  I tend not to stay here too long either.  Personally I find “what if” to be unproductive.  But sometimes getting lost in thought doesn’t have to be about finding personal growth.  It can just be entertaining, and playing “what if” can be like a short imaginary adventure (or nightmare).  I wonder, back when I first brought up DD – what if Mike had rejected the idea?

It wouldn’t have made him a bad person.  Clearly, this dynamic is not for everyone.  Where would I be..where would we be…without it?   Worst of all, I’d be the same controlling Jen I used to be.  Mike wouldn’t be as happy, I wouldn’t be as happy, J wouldn’t be as happy.

And beyond no DD, would it mean no Kayla in our lives?  That crushes me too – we love her so much!   And I guess we would just have continued our platonic friendly relationship with John and Donna?  Clearly no Matt, and perhaps E not opening up to us about her naturism?  My lunch bunch friends would just be lunch bunch friends, unbonded over sharing some of our deepest desires.  Sex toys?  Probably few, if any.  My nipples wouldn’t be pierced, my blog wouldn’t exist, and the list goes on and on.

I feel so fortunate that Mike was open to exploring this with me.  He met the vulnerability I was showing with vulnerability of his own.  It takes two to have a successful DD or D/s relationship.  I am so fortunate to have Mike embrace this as he has. 

Last stop, Revelation!

My mind then takes it’s longest stop in it’s journey — the  Revelation Station.  Is there something my thoughts can reveal to me that perhaps was buried in my psyche? 

It begins to reveal itself to me. 

The old Jenny was impenetrable, vulnerable to no one, but who was nourished by the vulnerability of others — some life crisis people would share with her, eliciting her advice and guidance.   On the surface you could extol positive virtues on that Jenny — helpful, caring, loving, nurturing, wise.  In hindsight, her behaviors can be seen in a more accurate light – she had a need to feed off the tragedy of others.  That’s pretty pathetic.

Sure, others received some benefit in having a compassionate shoulder to cry on, but that compassionate was more selfish — about my need to feel better about my insecurities, my shortcomings, my unstated desires, as well as to continue to cover up and suppress the desires I didn’t even recognize were in me.

It changed when I became vulnerable through DD.  Yes, I still like to talk with people about their challenges, hopes and desires, but now it is truly from a compassionate, loving place.  Through my own vulnerability, I feel complete, confident, and courageous.  I am more honest with myself than I ever imagined possible – more honest with Mike and those around me in ways that would have scared the hell out of the old Jenny. 

Honesty — yeah, that’s the courageous part.  You have to have a lot of courage to be so honest about your needs, your hopes, your desires.  It takes tremendous courage to make yourself vulnerable to someone.  But once you do and experience positive results, it becomes addictive. 

I believe that’s were my satisfaction from exhibitionism comes from.  It isn’t just about sexual exhibitionism.  It is an emotional exhibitionism.  I am thriving off making myself vulnerable.  I think that is what makes Mike so adamant about reigning me in.  As I said before, if it were up to me, I’d be putting all of this on a YouTube channel, not an anonymous blog.   

And I don’t do it because of any need for attention or “look at me.”  I do it because I discovered the key to others being truly vulnerable to you, is for you to be vulnerable to them.  It then feeds on itself.  And for a vulnerability addict like myself, provides an amazing high.   

I never really understood that before, but it makes so much sense to me.  I guess that’s why I have so many posts dedicated to vulnerability.   (67, 129, 134 and others. And now I get why, to fall in love with someone, you do this).  

Vulnerability is an amazing aphrodisiac .  Either that, or I am just an eccentric psycho succubus slut of a weirdo.  Humm..nah, that’s not it.  Ahem, well, maybe one out of four?  You’ll just have to guess which one.  HA!

Next: 229.  Heading to Splitsville?

99. Be Here Now Slut – Eyes Wide Open

It’s been awhile since I’ve indulged in a somewhat esoteric ramble – the aptly named Post 67: An Esoteric Ramble or Post 81: Expectations.  You may not enjoy them, but I find them cathartic for me.

I’ve had a “boring” couple of days when compared to my run of excitement over the past month or so. No spankings, no wild sex, minimal nakedness about the house (due to too many people coming and going lately). My excitement binge is actually more than a month old – it dates back to starting this blog in April.   At that point my DD was just a year old. I thought that first year had a lot of twists and turns, but nothing like the last eight months. I think the blogging and the events over the last eight months are linked.

EYES WIDE OPEN
The blogging helped reinforce my trust and confidence in my decision to embrace a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. In turn, as I perused other blogs it introduced me to a wider community of kink – a community that was always there, but perhaps one that I was not inclined to explore previously.

Plenty of things happen to us that we aren’t prepared for; however, I believe the chances for new experiences greatly increase when we are most open to receiving them.

When we are open our vision is more acute – we see and recognize the opportunities that may have always been there but we just couldn’t recognize them before. We now not only see them, but we welcome them into our thoughts. Once in our thoughts we may still eventually dismiss them, but we are now that much closer to actually embracing them.

Since April I have been open to just about anything when it comes to exploring things with Mike – and of course a lot of that is sexual. That openness led to our relationship with John and Donna – friends we’ve known for years but now that relationship is more than “just friends.”  And of course this whole thing with Kayla that has dominated my recent posts. I am sure opportunities like there were out there before (perhaps not with those same people), but I was not open to them. That is why just a few years ago if someone told me I would have those types of relationships I would think they were crazy. Not only was I not “into” that, I couldn’t imagine anyone else would be.

WHY NOT DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE YEARS AGO?
Kayla asked me if I wished I embraced DD sooner.  That’s easy.  I have no sense of loss for not embracing DD sooner.   Simply put, my needs were different and my outlook was different.

For most of my life, what I sought and accepted as being fulfilling to me were things that are not conducive to submissiveness. In hindsight I might recognize some of those things were not as fulfilling as I believed them to be, but to me, regrets are a waste of energy. At the time there would have been no convincing me as I was living the lifestyle I accepted as right for me at that time.  No way would I have accepted DD.

I think I mentioned before, I am more “outcome” focused when musing about my life.   I choose not to waste much energy on the past. Whatever attention I give to the past is about how to make the “now” better, not play “what if” regarding events of the past. When you waste energy on the past it takes energy from your present. I want to fully “be here now” to address my “now” the best I can. I want to “be here now” for Mike, for my family, for all of those I love – including for myself.

At this moment in my life “being here now” is about being submissive to Mike and remaining open to all of life’s possibilities, sexual and otherwise. For me, love is happiness, sex is happiness, and submission is happiness. If a doctrine of happiness is considered self-indulgent and hedonistic, then I am guilty.   I am a “be here now” slut! 

Next: #100: Thank you Readers and Followers.