Tag Archives: sir

144. To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir,’ that is the question. . .

144.ToSir

There’s a class participation request at the end of this post. Any ideas? 

Mike or Sir?
Mike asked me why, in my posts, do I always refer to him as “Mike” with the exception of using “Sir” when I am sharing specific dialogue?

Being in an increasingly submissive mindset, instead of answering him, I proudly said, “Sir, I will always refer to you as Sir from now on in my blog if that is what you want?”

He told me to bend over and he took off his belt and administered an Immediate Reward. I knew what it was for as this wasn’t the first time this occurred.  I failed to provide him an answer to his question.  Instead, I assumed he was displeased and  i assumed he was asking me to change.  In other words, I felt he was being dishonest in his question and it wasn’t really a question at all, but a request.   Thus, I was being disobedient for not answering him and assuming he had other unstated intentions.

When the Reward was concluded, he again asked me the question.  

“Sir, I purposefully do that in my blog.  I prefer to refer to you as ‘Sir’ when I am sharing what I said in a conversation.  Otherwise, I like to refer to you as “Mike.”  I look at it from the reader’s perspective.  You are not their “Sir,” you are mine.  And I want them to connect to you as person, as the regular guy you are.  If I only referred to you as Sir or Dom or any other title, the risk is that readers will attached their preconceived notion of what those terms infer about you, and some of those inferences may be wrong, or even negative.   As much as possible I want readers to understand you are a great husband, parent, and person.  You’re just “Mike” to them.  You are “Sir” to me!”

 Mike responded, “Fair enough, thank you!”

Such is the challenge a sub can have.  In my zest to want to please Mike and anticipate his needs, I may answer his questions in a manner I think will please him.  I forget that first and foremost, what pleases him the most is answering his questions as simply and directly as possible.  

He has told me before that each time we speak he isn’t always asking me to do something.  Sometimes he just has a question and wants a straight answer.   He’s told both Kayla and I that he doesn’t go for the, “Whatever you think, Sir” response.  That may be in violation of  Code 1516 of the Dom Handbook, but hey, it’s our TTWD, not anyone else’s.  

Mike said it would drive him crazy if each time he asked us our opinion the answer was, “Whatever you think, Sir.”  He feels that is a rude and disrespectful answer with the undertone of, “Duh, Sir, don’t you know I will shape my opinions to yours. Why do you keep asking me these things?”  I’ve received a few spankings in the past due to this as has Kayla (in fact, she got a lot of them for this early on as she was a bit over eager to please). Mike has made it clear that when he asks us a question or our opinion, he is expecting an answer and he doesn’t care if it fails to conform to his wishes or way of thinking.  If he has issues with our true feelings, we can then talk about it.  He believes that we can have “respectful disputation,” as Mike calls it, even with a D/s relationship.  I believe that too, and I am not just saying that, hee hee.

Of course, if the opinions being shared are about a particular action that needs to be taken, Mike is the ultimate decider.  After the respectful disputation he will make a decision and that is that, Kayla and I accept it.   

Three Cheers for BDSM Practioners! 
Check out this article, The Surprising Psychology of BDSM.  Us kinksters may be more “normal” and well adjusted than you think!   I’ll let you reach your own conclusions of how you interpret that study, but here is one of the positives they observed about BDSM practitioners:
“BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being.  Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity.”

Class Participation
To ‘Sir’, or not to ‘Sir’- that is the question 
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Spanks and nipple clamps of outrageous punishments 
Or to… humm… couldn’t think of a good line here.  
Or to…???    Any ideas?   

NEXT: 145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview

97. Less Kayla, more Mike, Jen, and Kayla

3feet

The topic of Kayla has surely dominated my “news” lately (6 out of my last 7 posts).  I am only now beginning to realize how big this change will be in my life.  At first I thought of Kayla moving in as more of helping her out.  Then came the prospects of her being submissive to Mike.  At that point I still thought of her as being on her own little journey with us there to provide some guidance and love.  As we get closer to her move in date, and have more meaningful discussions and interactions with her, I see that it is much more.  It is truly a relationship of love.  I guess you could describe where we are at – or clearly are headed – is a polyamorous relationship.  I hesitate to call it that just yet, but whatever the name, it is an intimate relationship on many levels.

I think Kayla is an amazing person and I love her.  It is hard to describe.  There is an attraction and passion that goes beyond the maternal feelings I have for her.  It feels odd, like the infatuation that I haven’t felt since I was very young.  It is like I have this crush on this young woman who is 25 years younger than me.  No, it is not “like” that.  It IS that.   And Mike feels the same way, as does Kayla.   It has surprised all three of us.

She wrapped up her finals this week and spent a couple of nights with us.  It is not uncommon for her to go out with her friends and spend the night, so her mother was not concerned about her not coming home.   We have fully “consummated” our relationship, but I will leave the details out.  For some reason I don’t feel like sharing them.  To help guide your imagination closer to the truth, think of it as soft, loving, slow, and tender.  Not hot, heavy, hard, and pounding.

Kayla has started regularly calling me “Ma’am” and Mike “Sir.”  She has also presented us with her contract.  I won’t share the details for now – however, she is definitely going “all in” on her submission.  She has required a lot of subjugation of herself and has asked for a level of strictness that surprises me.  I see lots of spankings in her future, even some by me.  I believe she is truly ready for what she committed to. She put a lot of thought and research into this.  She told us to stop reminding her that she can stop this at any time.  She said she understands that but never wants us to speak of her ability to quit ever again. For someone who is shy and uncertain about herself in many ways, she is also confident and bold in many others.

I have used my blog to both reflect on things that I have done and to try to dissect what I felt and am feeling.  I am fine speculating about my own feelings and motivations, or even of Mike’s, but, it is unfair to do so about Kayla’s experience.  I will continue to post about what I am feeling and experiencing, so I am sure there will be plenty about Kayla – but I need to be respectful of Kayla’s journey.  She will surely share her feelings, how she interprets her experiences, her needs, her desires, etc.   And I will share those things to the extent she allows – but I will not rely on conjecture in sharing what I think those things are for her.

I continue to encourage her to start a blog.  She does have to journal after all, so why not blog it?    She has said she wants to give the journaling a try and perhaps after a bit she would be comfortable putting it out there.  Right now she feels like it is enough to just be living it – she isn’t ready to share like that.  That is another reason I need to show discretion about what I post about her.   Her words were, “I am fine with you blogging about me the way you blog about Donna.  But I am uncomfortable if you blog about me the way you blog about yourself.”   What she says she meant is that she doesn’t want me opining about what I think she is thinking but I can write about what she outright expresses.  And she would like me to focus on the three of us, not just her.  So to the extent I share things about her she asked that I include the thoughts or reactions of all three of us.  In other words, less Kayla, and more Mike, Jen, and Kala.

That’s fair.

NEXT: 98. Threes Company Housekeeping

80. Breakthrough – what a week.

breakthru

I have only previously blogged about stuff that has happened and that I resolved already, or perhaps that happened and I resolve within my next post.  Sorry that this has turned into my own little soap opera where the plot lines barely budge.  Such is life!

So yes, once again my topic is about Kayla.  But, if you can stand this awfully long post, there was a breakthrough today!!.  No, not a clearer path forward, but, to be exact, clearer paths from which to choose, with “choice” being the operative word.

I thought about breaking this up into two posts, but this is already my fifth straight post about this situation that all started less than a week ago. (If  you want to start from the beginning, you can start at 76. Meet the Babysitter).  I don’t want to bore you and thus think it is time to put this topic to rest until there is some clearer resolution.  I’ll try to post about something else next time.

I left off at my last post stating that I asked Kayla to better articulate how she envisions our relationship if it were to become sexual.  She doesn’t have classes on Friday’s and spent practically the entire day with me, from about 8 this morning until about 4.  Oh, here’s a chance to share a bit more with you about Kayla.

MORE ABOUT KAYLA
She graduates in a few months.  She is leaning towards taking the Spring semester off and starting grad school next fall.  Her father does well and I think both her parents make up for some of their shortcomings by providing financial support.  While she has worked a few part-time jobs here and there, she has mostly volunteered her time.  Her parents (mostly her dad) fully pay for her school and give her a nice monthly allowance and she has a car.

She has talked about moving out of her mom’s at the end of this semester and getting her own apartment but would need a roommate to make it work.  Even if she wouldn’t start classes until next fall, her dad offered to up her allowance and help with living expenses if she does decide to enroll in a Master’s program for next fall and decides to move out at the end of this semester.   Even with that help she wants a roommate to keep the costs down and just feels safer living with someone.  She is currently talking to friends and looking for roommate prospects.

I would share more about her parents but since I am using her real name I figure I shared enough already.  Suffice to say there are some challenges she has faced in her upbringing that make it all the more remarkable that she does not have the types of personal issues you might expect.  She credits having a couple of good role models – Her aunt and us!

I was touched by her telling us this.  She shared more about how she always paid close attention to how people interacted and was very aware that her parents were not representative of how it could be or how it should be.  While there were times it was tough to not blame herself, she mostly understood it as their problem, not her problem, and thus didn’t take a lot of the disappointment personally.  She said that both her aunt and us were so loving and nurturing that she never fully felt “wrong, weird, or unloved.”  I think that is amazing, especially when she talks about thinking that way when she was a little girl.  Sad that a child had to show that maturity, but I guess it is also fortunate that she did because it allowed her to cope in more positive ways.   Yes, I feel she has some abandonment issues, but she doesn’t do drugs and appears to be very stable emotionally.

She said she always felt older than she was, which is why her friends always tended to be 3-5 years older than her, if not more.  It was also why she loved to hang around us so much.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years she would come over or join me on an outing, offering to help even when it wasn’t for pay.   When her parents divorced when she was 15, she stayed with us for about week as her dad moved out and her mom “came to terms” (I’ll just call it that), with her new reality.

BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION
I asked her what her “dream” relationship with us would look like.

She admitted that she was still formulating that in her mind, and that she thought having time to think all this through was beneficial.   She has also been reading up on Domestic Discipline and Dom/sub relationships.  She said the thought of all of that is new, but not completely foreign.  She did have a boyfriend once who liked to tie her up, just her hands and legs.  She found it very thrilling and likes the thought of giving up control, but, that was specifically around sex and not day-to-day or with spanking.  She has never been spanked before.

She said a part of her just wants to have fun, more the “F*ck Buddy” scenario, a casual sexual relationship.  She used John and Donna as an example.  She asked, “Why not just something like that?”

I responded that certainty that was one of the options we’ve been talking about and then I went into all my previously stated concerns that could result.

But, she said she does think about something more intimate, more of a relationship.  She’s already the third wheel in a casual sexual relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  She said she definitely doesn’t want a second one like that and would stop having sex with them if the three of us were having sex.  But she said the thoughts of that just don’t seem as fulfilling to her as what she would like to have right now.

She said she also can envision being part of our dynamic, a “fellow sub.”    Ugg, that word “fellow” is a trigger word for me, I had to remind myself to stay compassionate and loving as she meant no harm in using those words.

I held back my impulse to say, “Look missy, you will never be “fellow” anything.  The pecking order would be Mike, me, and THEN you, get it.  We may both submit to Mike, but you follow my lead too, and don’t think for a second you’ll somehow have less expected of you than what is expected of me…blah, blah, blah, anger, anger, anger.”

Instead, I did say, “again, that is one of the options we’ve been talking about and in that arrangement, I would not be comfortable with you as a “fellow sub.”   While to some extent we would be in it together, I would also want you to defer to me in some way.  I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I know that one of my stumbling blocks is that I cannot accept you a peer.  A close friend, confidant, and lover, yes, but, “peer”, no.  I told her this is my hang-up for thinking this way, not her hang-up for wanting it that way.  Perhaps over time I could see it differently, but I know that is not going to change any time soon.”

We also talked about my concern for her thinking it as a “game.”  After all, she would have her life to go back to.  It is hard to be a part-time sub.   What, she comes over for a few hours and is submissive?  I just don’t see that working.  In order for me to be comfortable I need to feel she is more committed.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Then Kayla had an epiphany that perhaps seems obvious to you, but Mike and I missed it.  What if she moved in with us?   Yikes, a whole different proposition and potential for problems.

Let me give a bit more context about the potential living arrangements.  We have a four bedroom house and we have a large master bedroom that has double doors to enter.  When you enter, immediately off to the left is a whole other bedroom.  To the right it goes into the master bedroom.   When the house was built we had an option of putting a door in the hallway to lead to the fourth bedroom, or, leave the hallway wall intact, and put the door on the inside of the master bedroom entry way.  We opted for that because when my son was smaller, we liked him being basically right next to us.  We later installed another set of doors to the right of the master entry way, such that when you enter the double doors, to your left is the door to the spare bedroom, and the right is another door into the master.   We did this for added privacy, and because we have used that room as a guest room and someone usually has to sleep in it when all my boys are home at the same time.

Well, if I suspend all judgement just for the moment and entertain the thought of her moving in, it would make sense that we could make that Kayla’s room.  We also have one other spare bedroom, but it used a lot by my other son when he is home, and still has a lot of his stuff in it.  Our fourth room has become my husband’s office.

Then there is the issue of my son.  It may help to understand a bit more about his relationship with Kayla.  Although there is only a 5 year age difference chronologically, with my son’s special needs he is more like an 11-12 year old on many levels vs 16.   And Kaya, as I already talked about, is wise beyond her years and perhaps is more like a 30-year-old than 21.  And my son sees her the same way.  When he was actually about 8-9 years old he started calling her Ms. Kayla, even though she was 13-14 at the time.   We joked at that time that perhaps subconsciously our son figured out that since Kayla now had breasts, she deserved the title of “Ms.” Whatever the reason, he has looked at her as an adult for some time.  Furthering that mindset is that many times for many years, we’ve told him before, “let the adults talk” or “don’t worry, that is something us adults can be concerned with.”  Yet we were including Kayla as one of those “adults” even though she was a young teen at the time.

What I am trying to say is that their relationship is not that of a playmate, but as a caregiver.  This doesn’t change any of the concerns I shared, because I have known this since the beginning, I just didn’t clarify that with you, the reader.  So don’t think my sharing it now is a way of justifying acceptance of her moving in, it is not.  I just wanted you to have the full context.  My concerns remain.

I told Kayla that I hadn’t considered the idea of her moving in.  That definitely would show a greater commitment to us, so my concern is whether or not her commitment to us would match ours to her.  I can only imagine that it can be very difficult and it would be easy to develop “third wheel syndrome.”   It would take effort on all our parts to avoid this.

I went on to share that if we did that, I don’t see it working unless she became submissive to Mike.  She couldn’t be living her AND has a casual sexual relationship.   We would even need her to write a contract, similar to mine (not identical unless she wanted).  I asked her to go ahead and work on one so we could talk about it.  I half regret saying that as it seems like a self-fulfilling thing.   Her writing one creates momentum towards it actually happening, and that momentum may be hard to stop.   I was clear that I was not committed to any particular path forward yet.  I have a lot of concerns, but some of them could be answered in knowing what kind of structure she would willing to live under.

At that point I don’t know if I was feeling better, or worse, about where things are.  Still a bit confused and it still seemed like it is moving too fast – even though at this point we are just talking options and all agreed not to pursue anything right away.

A BREAKTHROUGH
I shared this with Mike.  He said that he has definitely heard me and my concerns and while he doesn’t share all of them, he completely understands why I feel as I do and that he would have a hard time demanding something of me that where I have so many doubts.  He said there are some things where he feels he knows me better than I do, so is able to request something of me that perhaps in the moment I might not like.  However, he can see that I have given this a lot of thought and it could be a disaster if he forced a solution.  Sounds good, but then he said, “But, ultimately, while Kayla can decide for herself, I am the decider for us and if I believe we can address your concerns, then so be it.”

When he said this, my first reaction in my mind way, “Oh, he just wants to play with me and keep me in suspense while also keeping the mantle of Dom.”  But, he didn’t say it in a playful tone.

Then it hit me!  This is the root of my hang-ups.  Kayla has a say, because she is deciding for herself, and I don’t.  This is about my need to not be “less than” Kayla.   Even though it was no one’s intentions for that, clearly, she has more power in this situation than I do, so in that respect, I may be subject to her will, assuming Mike agrees with her.

THAT’S MY ISSUE.   That is jealously and resentment at its’ finest!

I realized that for the most part I was able to talk calmly with Kayla about the possibilities, entertaining the pros and cons of each.  But my resentment raises its ugly head once it comes down to thinking about an actual decision that I don’t have final say in or if she uttered any words that inferred we were equal.  I was not feeling equal, I was feeling “less than” so in reaction, I wanted to be sure that whatever we did made it clear I was not her equal.

It became clear to me that I don’t just want to be an advocate for my feelings and hope that Mike sees it my way.  I need it to be my way.   How very un-sub of me!

I shared these thoughts with Mike, as I am required to.  Nothing says my thoughts have to be submissive, and I am required to share all my thoughts with Mike.  I just must maintain a respectful tone and ultimately agree with his decisions.   Also, while typically any difference of opinion I have on things are reserved for discussion during our Maintenance session, Mike already established an exception on the topic of Kayla, as he knew Kayla and I were talking daily and that he and I needed to openly discuss the issue on a daily basis.

IF IT PLEASES HIS LORDSHIP 
I went to Mike, took his hand, and kneeling before him I said, with an utmost respectful and overly formal tone, “Sir, with all your good grace, and in keeping with your spirit of wisdom and authority, and in knowing that I will act in revelation and fulfillment to your deepest desires and the best interests of our family, I humbly ask that you demand of me the task of being the decider on any changes in our relationship with Kayla.”  It may have helped that I stroked his cock while I said it.

In any event, he said, “Sure.”  Then he took on an English accent, waved his arm and proclaimed, “Let it be granted.”  Then said in a monotone, “but do it by the time the fall semester is over, if not sooner.”   We often use humor as a way of conveying how serious a matter is to us.  Seems backwards, but that’s how we roll!

Immediately, I felt a weight lifted.  Now I am energized to really work at a solution in a positive mindset.    And I don’t mean a solution that puts Kayla in our house or that does not put her in our house.  Just that I can now take time to talk with her and attempt to set all the right expectations for the both of us.  If we can’t come to a common understanding of how it should be, then we know it is simply not going to be.

So now a new doubt came to mind.  If you consider this a “negotiation,” which sounds so dull, but I guess reconciling our concerns is a type of negotiation, then is this negotiation fair?  Kayla is at a transition point in her life with moving out of her mom’s house, and the uncertainties that has may make living with us seem so much safer to her.  Will that persuade her to agree to something that perhaps she normally wouldn’t agree to?    That could be a set up for disappointment.   Ug, I think I over think this stuff.  I am always concerned about the decision we make that we think are for one reason, but later learn were influenced by other factors that we were oblivious to at the time.

I called Kayla and told her that when drafting a contract I want her to forget what I told her about my needs to not come across as a peer.  I told her if that made her comfortable, then that is what she needs to ask for.   I told her that the only way I am every completely going to let go of some of my concerns is if I feel confident that she is going into it not just committed, but truly on her own terms.  I said I am just as happy if she looks at what she writes and then decides, “Nope, I just can’t do that.”  We can then talk about whether the casual sex route is the way to go.  And if we don’t like the way that would be, then hey, we have had some amazing conversations, are closer than ever, and things continue a bit more like normal.

I FEEL BETTER! 
Still unclear where this will go, but better that we have three clear paths and the fortitude to take the one that is best for all.   Okay, I’ll admit, best for me. . . but, not in a selfish way.  Best for me means I am convinced that it is best for Kayla and Mike too. . . But ultimately, yes, best for me. . . there, I admit it, no qualifying it.

NEXT:  81. Expectations

78. Three’s -not- a crowd?

threes

I feel a bit naughty with how I ended my last post. It sure inferred a lot of stuff with my last line – and I fully intended for that.  I like doing that in a post (maybe I will do it on this one, hint hint).  It is fun to let your imagination run wild, as it is likely more exciting, daring, and shocking than real life.  The problem is, it is reality, not a story. But boy, what a story it could be!

This post may be different from my others. I typically share a situation or feeling and try to take it through to conclusion. I try hard to be authentic, accurate, and open with you, thus probably err on the side of TMI. But even while being a bit too verbose I do try to provide you with a read that has some forward momentum to it. For this post I am far from a conclusion and don’t know where this will go, but it sure seems to be leaning a certain way.  Flooding you with my prose won’t make for a good read so I’ll do my best to revise and edit my pounding out of random thoughts.  You can be the judge if I am successful or not.

If you haven’t read about Kayla, you can do so here and here.

Despite all that Kayla has revealed to me (and I to her), I still can’t let myself think of her in “that” way. I recognize she is an adult, but a young one at that. I am stuck on the fact that if one of my sons had a sexual relationship with a woman who was 25 years older than they are, I would be highly suspicious of that woman. Despite my tendency to assume the best in people, and to not judge them on a single criteria, that tendency is squashed when it comes to the thought of that. I guess since I would not look fondly upon it, it is hard for me to open myself up to the possibilities.

HOWEVER, Mike looks at it differently. The primary difference is that again, I think I see myself as more motherly in my relationship with Kayla. Mike on the other hand, sees her as a “hot young thing” that wants us.   After talking with Mike, I figured before we get to riled up in our differences, let’s find out how she see us. Perhaps she isn’t even interested. Well, that got clarified both yesterday and today.

Mike did say that now that Kayla knows a bit about our dynamic that all rules apply when Kayla is around.   He said he reserves the right to punish me with her watching, but would be mindful of not making Kala uncomfortable. I think that means he won’t actually do it, but he likes the threat of me thinking that he might. Honestly, I like it too. That is, I like the threat that it could happen, but honestly, I don’t want it to.

Sure enough, Kayla came over about 1pm yesterday as she just had morning classes. I jokingly told her she was just a voyeur and came over just to see my tits. Her sly response was “Maybe, but that was just a bonus. Really, I want to talk more.”

So we talked as I went through my daily chores. It was nice to have an extra set of hands to fold clothes and stuff like that. She shared more details about her sexual experiences as well as her views on both relationships in general and her various relationships specifically. I learned that her best friend is 28 and her best friends’ boyfriend is 31. This is the couple that she often joins with in a threesome. I didn’t realize they were that much older than her. Granted, 7 and 10 years isn’t huge, but to me a big difference between 21 and 31. I guess that is my personal hang up.

In turn I ended up sharing more with her about our DD lifestyle. Kayla asked a lot of questions and it got to the point that it seemed pointless to hold back certain things.   While I didn’t tell her everything, such as the relationship with John and Donna, I told her plenty. I ended up giving her the name of my blog and told her that it would completely reveal my DD journey to her (as well as what goes on with John and Donna). I did tell her that I blogged about her and used her real name. Oops, I hadn’t thought about that when I first mentioned her. Anyway, she was fine with that and was anxious to look it up. She got on her phone right away and started reading some of it – enough to make me blush – hey, I never knew that even my boobs turned a bit red when I blush. Is that normal?

Okay, so I am basically fully out when it comes to Kayla and being a pretty straightforward person I just put it out there and asked her if she had any inclinations about sex with Mike and I. She didn’t say no, but she was a bit hesitant. She said the thought did cross her mind but she wasn’t sure what she wanted. She did say she has always liked older people – all her friends were always older, even when she was in high school, I knew that as a freshman she seemed to be friends with most of the seniors, and as a senior, all her close friends were in college or finishing up college. She did say she had a bit of a crush on Mike when she was younger, but hadn’t really thought of him in “that” way.

She of course then turned the tables and asked me what I thought. I told her that I was very fond of her company, enjoy being around her, and think she is a wonderful human being. I told her she was beautiful, both inside and out, however, I am stuck not just on the age difference, but by the fact we have known her since she was so young that I have a hard time thinking of her in “that” way. I told her that it is hard for someone to think of their parents or their kids as sexual beings. Everyone else can be wild sexual beings, but not parents or children.   She laughed as she agreed that she can’t think of her parents that way either. I told her I think of her more as an extension of the family, closer to a daughter than just a babysitter or neighbor. Thus my hang up.

In all the conversation went very well. I did sense that she was unsure, albeit perhaps for difference reasons than me. So, I felt relieved and that there was nothing imminent to justify worrying about this.

When I talked to Mike last night and shared the conversation I had with Kayla, he got pretty excited over the prospects. While Kayla didn’t say she was game, it seemed clear that she likely would be. Now, this could have become an argument between Mike and me, but I kept my cool.   I told him that there is absolutely no doubt or hesitation that I would go along with his wishes as I always fully intend to honor my sexual submission to any of his wishes. (It’s in the contract!)  That being said, I did have reservations.

I explained that while we know Kayla well, we don’t know her that well. I didn’t know about her sex life and while I don’t find it shocking, it does raise safety questions for us. We have kept our “swinging” to just John and Donna. Expanding that opens not only us up to STD’s and the like, but opens up John and Donna. We can take precautions, but, that is a change in our “routine” and we would have to stick with it.

More importantly, as Kayla revealed more things to me I have found her to be a bit needier than I previously perceived her to be. She has some emotional baggage and my arm-chair psychological diagnosis is that some of her sexploration is to fill a need to be loved and accepted. Not to knock people who fit that description, but, I don’t know that I want to invite that type of neediness into my “inner circle.” My life is very good right now, so why potentially complicate it?

My next reasoning is that thus far if somehow any of my children found out about TTWD, I would not feel any embarrassment or shame. A bit uncomfortable yes, but more uncomfortable FOR them because I think they would be the ones more freaked out by it.   However, if we were to have sex with Kayla and they found it, I would feel terrible. This is someone they’ve known for a long time and is more of a peer to them. It would be way uncomfortable for me.

My final reasoning was that it was just too much, too fast. I tend to take a situation, do a deep dive into all the feelings and permutations of what if this, what if that, and then make a decision and move forward. As a submissive I have given up a lot of that in deference to Mike, and it has taught me that I don’t need to be in a rush to decide things. Of course, in our new dynamic it is not about me deciding things but I still get to be an advocate for my feelings.  I feel I must advocate for taking it slow, if at all. Last night after sharing all of this with Mike, he ultimately agreed with me.  Not so much that he saw it my way, but he saw that it was important to me and was willing to go along with it and not push the issue.  Then today happened.

Today
Kayla came over again. Back-to-back visits when she is not there to watch our son is rare, but, Kayla wanted to talk.   I was very open with her and shared every concern I shared here…both about sexual diseases and about neediness.  It was a very emotional conversation for her and while I got to understand her even better, it didn’t change my concerns.  One quick fairly comical aside – At one point when I was talking to her about all the reasons we should cool it and just put off even considering this for some time I told her, “I know it is very hard to come across as the prude when I am standing here with my tits out, but. . . “   Anyway, it got a laugh and helped break a bit of tension that had built up. Maybe you had to be there to get how funny it was. Oh well, next . . .

Then Mike came home a bit early and said he had a few things to finish up but would work out of his home office. Kayla already knew I had talked to Mike about all of this so when she saw him she boldly asked him his thoughts. Mike looked at me and I recognized his face as being the face of “oh crap, I don’t want to say something different than you.”   I told him, “Sir, whatever feelings you want to share about this is fine by me. You know I’ll support you, Sir.”

I thought he would perhaps take the opportunity to say, “Okay, let’s all get naked” but he didn’t. I was relieved when he said, “Kayla, we love you and want what is best for you. We don’t want our sexual appetites to cloud that.  Despite whatever fun or extra connection we could have by having sex, it may end up being a terrible thing for you. Let’s just take our time talking through it, understanding everyone’s needs and expectations better, and see where it goes. No harm in waiting, right?”

Kayla agreed, but reiterated to him what she told me previously. “I am not some fragile flower. I understand the pros and cons here.   All this talk makes it all sound so clinical and planned, which a big turn is off.   I figure if it happens it would happen when we aren’t expecting it, and I certainly don’t want to have to schedule it. So, fine, yes, let’s just cool it. It sounds like we all want it on some level, so if it happens, it happens.”

Wow. I found her response very erotic! But I found Mike’s response an even greater turn on.

Mike responded, “If it happens, it happens. . . ‘Sir.’”

Kayla and I both smiled and she repeated, “Yes, if it happens, it happens, Sir!

NEXT: 79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealously, Guilt.

74. Interview with Sir

notes

I figured I’d change this up and share a conversation I had with Mike, but in the form of an interview.  I asked him if I could do a Q&A and share it with you all, and this is the result. I hope you enjoy.

After reading it I think my interview skills are lame, so if there are other questions you would have, let me know.  

Jen:  What did you think when I first suggested DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I didn’t know what to think.  I wasn’t sure what you really meant, how far you wanted to take it, or any of that.  My initial reaction was to try to understand what you were feeling and what you felt it would help address, and then, it was all about understanding what DD was in general, let alone the version you wanted for yourself.   What do you think about my initial reaction?

Jen:   Hey, I am asking the questions, Sir, but as always, I was amused by how serious you took it.  You didn’t seem aroused by the sexual overtones or shocked by the fact I was willing to be submissive.    You approached it in your matter-of-fact style you approach everything.   Why do you think that was?

Mike:  You know my style has been to always try to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.   This was no different.  I really wanted to understand what it all means, what YOU meant by it, and then form my own thoughts and feelings about it. 

Jen:  And once you formed those thoughts and feelings, what did you think?

Mike:  As you know, I was for it.  You were very fervent in your belief on what it could do for you and for us.  It was convincing.   Once I understood what it meant and what it meant to you, then I was able to let my imagination run a bit and think about the possibilities.  Honestly, it was a turn on, but even so, I wasn’t sure how far you really would go with it.

Jen:  That’s my Sir, mister analyze and survey the area before making a decision.

Mike: Yes, and when it comes to our relationship, I think that is why in the past you’ve perceived me as more submissive.  I am not prone to just give you my off the cuff reaction to something.  I’ll hear you out and, because I love you, my inclination is to look for ways to make you happy and have what you want. 

Jen: Has it been difficult to adjust to being Dominant?

Mike:  Yes, but clearly you’ve had to make the far greater adjustment, so, anything I had to adjust to pales in comparison.  

Jen:   Thank you for recognizing that, Sir, but tell me about the adjustments you had to made?

Mike:  It really comes down to having to be more assertive, and when assertive,  I don’t always have time to think through a situation for the length of time as I’ve been accustomed to thinking things through.  And, I don’t always seek understanding when coming to a conclusion.  I simply seek to be understood as quickly and clearly as possible.  It means I have to not only make quick decisions, whether it means to give you quick instructions or a quick punishment, but I have to do so very emphatically and with confidence.  

Jen:  How has that impacted you?

Mike:  It helps in that I know that you know I won’t be perfect.  That the way we structured things allows you to give me feedback and help me know what I need to do better.   At first I needed a lot of validation in what I was doing.  We finally reached a point where I don’t rely on that validation.  I still like to hear it, but it isn’t a requirement anymore.  Early on, I needed you to help guide me so I that I understood that I was actually delivering what you were looking for.

Jen:  And if you have to sum it up, what is it that I was looking for, and still want?

Mike:  You want to truly serve me.  The real me.  Not that version of me that may suppress my inclinations or desires in favor of yours, but the actual me.  And I learned that it is okay if I am irrational at times, as that is part of being human.  For some time I had this thought that you would think less of me if I asked you to do something or if I did something to you that you didn’t like.  It took me some time to know that you wanted me to show you all of myself, all of my thoughts and desires, and that you were completely willing to fulfill them.   When I think of how I was prior to DD, I think part of what you were missing is that I wasn’t giving you all of me.  It seems odd, but, by you giving all of yourself, it has made me reveal all of myself.   You know every impulse I have, and you not only accept them, but you embrace them.  I am very lucky to have you.

Jen:  Aw, shucks.  Thank you, Sir.   How would you sum up our differences?

Mike:  That’s easy, I’ve said it many times before.  I was raised to value planning.  I thought things through, planned what I was going to do, and then executed the plan.  I did this to avoid mistakes in life.
You, on the other hand, were raised that if you aren’t making enough mistakes in life, you aren’t living.   That’s what always attracted me to you.  Much more impulse, less thinking.  While it is still my nature to be planning oriented, you’ve helped me be more spontaneous and less concerned with negative consequences.  Our DD has taken that to another level, especially our evolution towards a more D/s relationship.   And it has influenced me outside the house.  At work I am far more decisive and commanding.  While I’ve been in a leadership role for most of my career, I believe I am far more effective now than say two years ago.   

Jen:  So you are more dominant at work?

Mike:  No, I wouldn’t call my style more dominant, just more decisive.  I am deciding things faster and more decisively than before.   I still get all the appropriate inputs, but I don’t dwell on them for as long.

Jen:  What do you like most about our DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I do enjoy the control.  Who wouldn’t?   It is empowering to be given such control over someone.  But it isn’t the control itself, it is the fact that you wanted to give it to me.  In other words, it isn’t my dominance that I like the most, it is your submissiveness.  I also enjoy the intimacy.  The intimacy that has resulted in both of us fully revealing ourselves to each other, but also the specific physical intimacy of the punishments and the sex.

Jen:  Talk about the sex.  How is it different now?

Mike:  If you are just talking about the two of us, it is just far more passionate and physical.  We have freed ourselves of anything that could possibly hold us back.  We ask for and receive whatever we want.  That’s pretty amazing. 

Jen:  What about sex with John and Donna?  How do you feel about that?

Mike:  I am fine with it.  I don’t give it much more thought than if you enjoyed spending time with them just talking and having a barbecue.   I want you to enjoy yourself, and sex is just another way to do that.  It turns me on that you are sexual and that you like sex.   I enjoy watching you enjoy yourself and I enjoy knowing you are enjoying yourself, even if I am not there.   It doesn’t minimize your love for me or negatively impact our love in any way. 

Jen:  Had you had thoughts of sharing me with others before?

Mike:  I don’t think of it as sharing you.  Maybe more of allowing you to share yourself.  And, no, other than fantasies of threesomes – which I thought would never actually happen – it hadn’t even been something that came to mind before. 

Jen:  Does it surprise you that basically you and I are now swingers, albeit with just John and Donna?

Mike:  Hell yes.  Don’t really need to elaborate on that.  I am very surprised.  But in a good way.

Jen:  Are there things you wish I would do better?

Mike:  Yes, and we have talked about this before.  I wish you would rest more.  I like the fact you keep the house immaculate, but frankly I don’t mind if you skipped dusting or vacuuming here and there.  The reason I don’t decree that you rest is because you make it clear you enjoy it and want to maintain responsibility for doing it.   Although, I do give you permission to take time off now and then.

Jen:  Yes you do, and I appreciate it.  Speaking of which, it’s been awhile since I had a spa day, Sir.

Mike:  But aren’t those special days special because I surprise you with them?  Where’s the surprise if you have to ask for them.

Jen:  Yes, Sir, I understand.   Just sayin’.

Mike:   Noted.

Jen:  Are there sexual things for us that you are looking forward to exploring?

Mike:  Yes, but nothing specific.  Just knowing we practically have no boundaries is what excites me.   Right now we are both good with our routine and our time with John and Donna.  We haven’t sought out anything more.  We did attend those two FetLife functions some months ago, and perhaps we will get back to that, but, there isn’t this pressing feeling that we need to push those limits right now. 

Jen:  You aren’t’ giving my readers anything spicy, Sir.

Mike:  Okay then.  I’ll share a fantasy with them that I’ve shared with you.   It is you, tied up naked with many people watching as one or more from the crowd, male and female, come up and use you sexually and when they are done, others step up and continue.

Jen:   What would you put the likelihood on that happening some day?

Mike:   What’s the likelihood you would do it?

Jen:  100% if it is what you wanted, Sir.

Mike:   I thought so.  Actually, I’d put the chances at very slim.  It would take knowing a lot more people who were into such things and with us being as comfortable with them as we are with John and Donna.  I don’t see it happening, but I guess you never know.  I never thought that one day I’d be spanking you.

Jen:  Do you have a favorite spanking implement?

Mike:  My hand is my favorite.  Far more control and much more intimate.  I like the tawse and I like the wide paddles.  In order I would say I enjoy the ones that cause you to make more sounds – more grunts and moans, and the ones that make louder sounds when they impact, and by the marks they leave.

Jen:  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share your thoughts today Sir.

Mike:  No problem.  By the way, you asked me several questions without calling me “Sir”

Jen:  (drops pants and bends over).

NEXT:  75.  Public Display of Submission.

 

70. What the Funk?

funk

I’ve never gone this long without posting (more than two weeks!)

There is too much to cover to share all the various goings on during the last two weeks, so I’ll just share one particular item that was profound in my DD journey.

I’ve shared numerous stories of my ever-increasing need for deeper submission (a common backdrop since the beginning, but definitely a theme starting in 46. Reflections and 47 Birth of Dom.)  Well, I believe I found the limits of the submission I desire. 

I fell into a bit of funk and even my sexual appetite was low.  Part of me thought it was simply that I’ve had a year and a half of almost constant stimulation, amazing sex with Mike, amazing sex with John and Donna, and my body finally couldn’t produce any more “spark.”   But the feeling lingered far too long for my liking.  More concerning to me was that I was feeling less than fully satisfied with my acts of submission.  I still submitted, but, in some cases there just wasn’t the same joy in it.

It was also odd that this “funk” came on in an instant, not slowly over time.   It was quite odd to me, like in a flash – all of a sudden I was looking at my DD journey from the outside, as if I was looking back at someone else’s experiences.  I was feeling how some of it just seemed ridiculous to this “outside” me.  It gave me a moment of doubt that perhaps this journey should end.  That thought didn’t last long, but it shocked me that I had the thought at all.   Ultimately I came to the conclusion that, no, I thoroughly enjoy being submissive, but, I needed to back off on some of the things we have implemented.

It strange how we interpret changes in our life.  In the past when I wanted to change to submit more, it always made me feel good.  In no way did I think it indicated a failure in what we were doing.  So why is it that now I wanted to submit less,  it made me bad, like it indicated a failure in what we were doing?

I’ve concluded that this inconsistency in my perception of change is much like any journey.  In a new adventure there is wonderment, amazement and excitement, not just in the moment, but for where the moment might take you.  Once you have reached the end of the journey, instead of being excited that you have done so, you are saddened that the journey is over.  As far as submission goes, I do believe I exceeded the limits of what I want, so my seeking the “right” level of submission for me is at an end, at least for now.

Let me share how this came about and what exactly it is we are changing.  It will probably be very anti-climactic when I tell you what is changing, but for me it isn’t about the number or degree of changes, it is simply that any change, however slight, marked the end of the journey (for now).

Before I ever hit this funk Mike and I had talked about the likelihood this would happen someday.  We knew we would not recognize the level of submission that worked best for us until we exceeded the threshold of what made us the happiest.  So I told Mike that I believe I was beyond that threshold.

I told him all I wanted to change was the constant nudity during the day, and the “Device Days” we implement three days a week (discussed in Post 57).   I told him for whatever reason, those have come to bother me.  They didn’t at first, but somehow got to a point where they seemed unnecessary, punitive, and just uncomfortable and inconvenient.    That was all I wanted to change.

The surprising thing was Mike said no!

He said he is all for dialing down my submission, but, he wasn’t convinced that is what I truly wanted.  He knows me so well.  He knows anytime I get in any type of funk or have doubts creep in about anything, my first instinct is to start changing things – any things.  Even though I gave this a lot of thought, he knows that sometimes for me making any change is simply a distraction and not an actual solution.  Thus it might provide a temporary lift out of my funk and feel like progress, but soon the funk would return as it didn’t really address the issue.  He said, “Let’s give it one more week, as is, and then see how you feel.”

I really didn’t want to wait, as I felt pretty certain about my feelings.  The old Jenny would have persisted until I got my way, but, this submissiveness has grown on me.   I felt that if this is what Mike wanted, then I could do for one more week, and who knows, maybe he would be right.

Funny thing, I really enjoyed that week more than I had in some time.  The thought that in essence Mike was making me do this against my explicit wishes actually turned me on.   That feeling I got confirmed in me how much I like to submit to him.  However, as the week came to a close I knew I couldn’t maintain doing those things I mentioned. Ultimately Mike agreed and we made some changes.

No more “device days” as a routine, but they still could occur as punishment.  And, I would remain topless during the day but could wear panties – it was really an issue of comfort for me. I get that doing uncomfortable things is part of submission, but for whatever reason, those two things just crossed the line.  Yes, spanking me until I cry is fine.  Yes, making me stand in the corner is fine.  Yes, calling you Sir is fine.  Yes, sometimes making me too sore to sit is fine . . . . but just please let me have my panties on.

And like that, the funk was lifted.   We are in an incredible routine with my submission.  I feel great, Mike feels great, our son is thriving, Mike and I have plenty of adult time, and things couldn’t be better.

Perhaps now I’ll share some of the more salacious and kinky things that went on over the last few weeks.  Mike did go out-of-town on business, allowing me to go solo over to John and Donna’s!  Perhaps that will be my next post?

Next:  71. Good Girl.

60. Mine, Mine, Mine! Rediscovering my Thrill.

thrill
Did ‘ya notice I used an image for the first time on my prior post?  I’ve been wanting to do that but due to time constraints I always opted for the just plain text approach as I know I would spend way too much time trying to find that perfect picture.   Well, as much as I liked the picture on that post, it wasn’t me that did that. (although I did pick out the one on this post).

I mentioned before that I will often write my posts here and there throughout the day or couple of days.  Even when I am done I often let it sit for a bit and then come back and give it a final proof read and then post.  Well, last night I was already in bed asleep and Mike came in to get ready for bed.  I woke up and we talked a bit.  Mike asked me if I happened to post anything and I said no, but I had one ready to go and just need to give it a final proof read before I post. He said, “I’ll post it for you.”

I said, “No thank you Sir, I’ll get it tomorrow.”   He insisted, “No, I want to try that. Give me your login.”

Wow, that was a very dom-like request.  He is definitely getting the hang of it, but I wasn’t in a mood to give kudos.   This blog was MY space, my thoughts, and just plain old mine, mine, mine!   It reflects me.  I didn’t want him invading that space.

My response was sincere and not argumentative.  “Mike, I appreciate it, but I am not sure it says what I want it to say just yet and I need to review it.”

“But Jen, you said it was done and just needed a final proof read. I can check for typos you know.”

I responded, “I know Sir, but I think of the blog as part of me, and I want to do the posting.”
Mike quickly responded, “Sure, it is a part of you, and you want me to be in control of all parts of you, so give me the password.”

So I did and he logged in and posted that prior post for me.   He didn’t change anything, just fixed a typo or two and added the image.   It pained me as he was looking for an image and commenting on how it would be more appealing if I used images.  In my head I was thinking, “no shit, but don’t always have the time to spend looking for just the right image because I’ve got so many things to do.”   Even as I was thinking this I was also thinking to myself, “That is not a very submissive thought and, despite any anger, I am getting that nice sub-tingle feeling with Mike being dominant.”   I had this internal dialogue going on the same time I was talking to Mike.  It was like the pre-DD Jenny arguing with the submissive Jenny.   I made several attempts to persuade Mike to stop.  Ultimately, the final product looked fine, but my issue wasn’t about the final product, only that the final product wasn’t 100% produced by me.

I found my Thrill – Revisited.
Mike and I continued to talk about it.  I remained calm and respectful although inside I was mad.  Luckily I was able to stay calm and avoid a spanking over it.   Mike pointed out one of my prior posts, “I found my Thrill.”  In that post I wrote that full submission is a state of full attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  I further stated that submission is about total surrender of physical, emotional, and mental self. . . a state of pure bliss I wrote that this was the very source of my thrill about submission.

“Are there going to be exceptions, such as your blog?” Mike said rhetorically.   “Jen, you say you want and need to be submissive, but you tend to find little things that you want to exempt.  That is fine with me if that is the submission you want, but frankly, I don’t believe you do.  You may want that in the moment, but then you later feel lacking in your submission but can’t always identify why.  I think it is because you try to take these little exemptions here and there.  Well, I am not going to allow it.  I can edit or change your posts as I choose.  I have no desire to change your online persona from the person you are, but you’ll just have to trust me on that.  I am not going to answer to you on this issue, so just accept it.”

Wow.  I was stunned.   Stunned in a very hot, sexy, and tingling all over way.  He was being the Dominant I want.   I gave a very pleasing, “Yes, sir” with my eyes big and a smile!

While I have been getting more submissive – I’ve been saying the phrase in my head, “it’s not my preference, but I’ll do it” with ever-increasing frequency lately – Mike was right.  I still tend to probe for too many exceptions and perhaps Mike has been too quick to grant them in the past.  Not that I won’t still share my feelings, and not that Mike still won’t allow exceptions for me, but it was clear, it is Mike who is calling the shots now.  No longer is he just executing on my specific requests with the exactness that I have explicitly agreed to and taking our dynamic only in the specific course that I have set.  Now, he is leading.

His phrase was, “I may decide to allow you to have certain things of your own, but never will I allow us to violate the values of our DD and our D/s dynamic.  The result is, sometimes the answer will be no, and you’ll accept that answer the first time or else you will be punished.”

Yes, sir!

Next: 61. The Iceman Commeth