I split this in two posts as there is a lot to explore on my attraction to Matt.
CAN I DATE MATT?
A great discussion ensued when I asked Mike if I could have a date night with Matt. A very straightforward and calm discussion. It was the only detailed discussion we have had on this topic thus far. Not that we don’t talk about it, but thus far we haven’t had a need to go back to re validate feelings or concerns. It’s early, so that will probably occur at some point. But I recognize that it is atypical that we addressed our current feelings in a single discussion. It illustrates where Mike and I are in our relationship.
We didn’t leave anything unsaid but frankly didn’t have to say much. We said what we were thinking and feeling so there is no need to keep rehashing it until/unless those thoughts and feelings change. Mike knows he is not just my priority, but I am his. He can say no, say yes, change his mind at any time, and I will accept it.
In reflection, the weirdest thing about my discussion with Mike is that is didn’t feel weird at all. I wasn’t concerned about Mike feeling jealous and he wasn’t showing any signs of it either. Just a normal conversation. Weird indeed.
MIKE ALLOWS IT
Mike said I could have my date night with Matt – make that nights! I have to text him to keep him informed of what we were doing – text him if we arrive or leave a restaurant, movie, etc. And of course, let him know when we get to his place and are going to have sex. I am to call him afterwards and tell him what sexual acts we did.
So is Mike a cuck? I’ve used that term before but it was jokingly. It really doesn’t apply to Mike. Cuckolding is more about deriding the husband and there is no derision going on here. The accurate term to describe Mike’s kink regarding this is to say he is into candaulism. The accurate term to describe my kink regarding this is to say I am a into being a slut. Ha! I don’t mind owning that term.
DATES WITH MATT
So Matt and I went out. I was very clear with Matt regarding what our relationship could and couldn’t be. I love Mike in insane and immeasurable ways and would never leave him in a million years. But that doesn’t mean Matt and I can’t enjoy each other’s company whenever we could, including having sex. Matt seems to understand it and we seem to be on the same page.
I had a second date night with Matt late last week, and Mike has said he would like it to be a weekly thing, with us alternating whose place we go to for sex. Matt agreed – on our next date night in two days we will come back to my house after going out.
The dates were great. I really enjoyed myself and Matt’s company. I enjoyed texting Mike and I know he enjoyed receiving them. And as he requested, I called him after Matt and I had sex and was explicit in sharing what we did.
Matt added something interesting. He told Mike he only wants to have sex with me. He doesn’t want to have sex with Kayla and he doesn’t want to join us at John and Donna’s. Simply put, he will have sex with me either alone or with Mike watching/participating. If Kayla is there, Mike can have sex with her but he won’t.
His reasons were that he enjoys the sex with me the most and as twisted as it sounds, wants to be “exclusively” for me. How sweet. I know it took a lot for him to be willing to state this. I am sure he had concern for how Mike or me might react. It actually makes me feel better about his readiness to get into a relationship like this. I would be concerned if he simply just shrugged and said, “okay” to everything. He has needs to be confident to share his needs.
His statement prompted me to recheck in with Matt regarding my intentions to make sure we are on the same page. Matt said he has no notions of “taking me away” and he wants to enjoy whatever time we get to have together. He was uncomfortable having sex with Kayla due to her age as his daughter is actually older than Kayla. Fair enough. The most interesting comment was the he said he doesn’t like watching me have sex with John. When he watched me having sex with John he said I don’t have the same “look” about me that I do when he or Mike has sex with me.
I wasn’t aware that I had that “look” when I had sex with him, but, he is right. As I wrote previously, there is a growing element of intimacy…more emotion, when Matt and I have sex. And of course, it is there with Mike. But John? It is more just physical. Still feels good, but more mechanical, less uninhibited and emotional. Again, how sweet of him to notice.
I can’t resist poking fun at the absurdity of my sex life. How sweet it is for my boyfriend to notice that I am more emotionally invested when I am having sex with him or my husband when compared to John. Isn’t that special? Ha!
My dates with Matt won’t necessarily be weekly, but weekly-ish. Between my yoga classes, volunteering on the weekend, and various other appointments, keeping up with my household duties and obligations are the priority over Matt. There is also the date night Kayla and I each have on alternating weeks with Mike. The weekend after next the four of us plan a double date (J stays the night at a cousin’s). That was Mike’s idea!
Just thinking about the double date gives me a tingle. What’s the opposite of cuck? Whatever it is, that’s what I feel when Mike watches me have sex with Matt. Way more than the feeling of having sex with John in front of Mike. Mike knows that Matt and I are attracted to each other. This increases Mike’s pleasure in watching and increases my pleasure in being watched by him.
And I get a tingle just thinking about a date night with Mike watching. Holding Matt’s hand while Mike holds Kayla’s. While it may look like we are separate in that moment, the truth is we are both getting off on watching the other enjoy themselves.
I remain submissive to Mike, even when Matt is around. I am not submissive to Matt. He is not “my Sir.” I think that is also part of my attraction to Matt. I get to have a relationship and temporarily leave behind some of my submissiveness.
Don’t misinterpret that as me wanting to get away from being submissive to Mike. I love being submissive to Mike. It’s just a nice break. And it comes at a time I am so entrenched in my submission that it hasn’t impacted my submissive mindset at home. I am able to get right back into it. I don’t know if a year ago I could have done that.
Of course, just being with Matt is a submissive act as it only happens because Mike allows it and wants it. Although now I want it too!